In my situation there still HOPE right? Please please tell me there still HOPE.. Very LONGGG post.

OliveOilsMom · March 2016

I don't have any book recommendations sorry.

You have to remember that your mother fucked up your childhood and its impacting your adult life. Your H loves you. Don't self-sabotage that relationship. Stop trying to find fault with your H.

I agree with your therapist in that all of the problems you are facing are because of you. You have self-doubt, low self-esteem, and other issues that you need to work on. Keep working on them with a therapist. Go more often if you can afford it.

No family is perfect. What may look perfect usually isn't. Some people choose to not see their blood relatives because they are toxic people. Recognize that your father has abandoned you. He abandoned you when you were a child too because he refused to stop the way your mother treated you and refused to try and get you back from foster care. I don't know why you are wasting your thoughts on him, if he cared for you, he would have done everything in his power to stop all the abuse and get your back from foster care.

I also hope you are not just focusing on the words I'm writing because many posters in this thread are giving you really good advice. In the end, people can give you all the advice in the world, but if you don't follow it, our words are useless. If you need to get words out, then a journal could be beneficial for you.

Knottie66031159 · March 2016

I'm sorry this has been so challenging for you, because I know that despite everything, you still want to be a good daughter and have a connection with your father. A lot of people want to talk about your past, but that is in the past. I think the question you want answered is what you can do to communicate with your dad, but I think your dad has shown you that he is not as serious about communicating with you. Now whether it's due to your mom or because he is mentally or physically unable is hard to know. You need to recognize that you have tried, and if you are continuing to try, you will have to be at peace with that. It sounds like your mom is holding your dad hostage in an attempt to hurt you and I worry that your endless efforts are only going to hurt you more. Perhaps it is time to make one last attempt. You could write everything you want to tell your dad in a letter and give it to him in person. Let him know that it will be your last attempt and provide all your information and how he can contact you and that you hope he will.

More importantly, if you are worried something is going on and that your father is being poorly cared for, abused, neglects, etc, I'd call the police.

Jen4948 · March 2016

I am sorry your parents have been so toxic to you. But there is nothing you can do to change them-only how you respond to them.

It may seem sad that your chilrey won't have active maternal grandparents, but I think they would be better off without your parents in your lives. Your mother has been horrible and so has your father for not protecting you from her abuse. And they would add nothing positive to your husband's or children's lives.

If your mother thinks she's "lost face" because of you and your marriage, that's ultimately not your issue to deal with, regardless of what is common in her background. It's a way of blaming her victim and absolving herself from responsibility. You, your husband, and any future children you have don't need that in your lives.

If your current therapist isn't helping you, I would find another who will help you feel strong and happy with yourself and your life, I would find another one who will. If you think a Western therapist will do that as opposed to an Asian one, than that's who I'd use.

But in the meantime, I think you need to accept that your parents won't change and won't meet or accept your husband or your future children, and stay focused on the family you have now rather than expending time and energy wishing they were different.

thestaircase · March 2016

My dad is 15 years older than my mom, due to his old age (he have health problem regards the colon and stomach).. But he can drive, he can walk, he prefectly capable of talking and communicating.
My older brother do come back home to visit my dad, twice a month. My older brother, his wife, and their 4 children do come visit my parents.

Last time when I come back home visit; I try bring up the topic of my husband/my marriage, hoping they can met my husband.. And my dad still able to yell at my face and tell me he doesn't want to hear it. He perfectly capable of talking.
He said he doesn't want to met my husband. My mom also said she doesn't want to met my husband. This I have the answer very clearly, I know BOTH my parents don't want to met my husband.

In our chilhood, my mother verbally abuse and belittle BOTH my old brother and me.. But my older brother grow up fine, it doesn't seem to affect him. A mother being critical of her children is VERY common in China and Vietnam.
My older brother is not close to my mom.. But my mom didn't disown him. He married, my SIL is Chinese. He still come back home to visit my dad, including take my SIL and their 4 children to visit too.

Here in USA; my dad and mom and my aunt, together have Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant business.. My mom and dad take care one restaurant location. And my aunt and uncle take care one restaurant location.
My dad drive my mom to the restaurant everyday to keep an eye on the restaurants, see how their business doing. They the boss, they pretty much just collect money.
My parents are doing great. They have their restaurant business. They own a house in an Asian community where alot of Chinese and Vietnamese people live. They are set in their old age, they have everything set for retirement.

I feel that my dad is ashamed of me, he just won't said it in my face.
For example, last year on Father's Day June 2015. Both me and my older brother was home visiting my parents.. My dad dad smile and talk to my older brother happily. It just when it come to me, he doesn't talk to me as much.
Dad seem perfectly fine, looks very healthy. He talk and laugh with my older brother..
BUT when it come to me, dad doesn't talk doesn't laugh with me. He said I KNOW both him and my mom doesn't approved my husband, but I still married my husband. There nothing for him and me to talk about.
My dad talk with my older brother happily, I can see it his face how happy he is when he talk to my older brother.. But when it come to me, he doesn't have that happy face, he doesn't talk to me as much. I feel that he ashamed of me.

He did make it loud and clear many times that he doesn't approved my husband.
Back when I date my husband, my dad said it to my face that he doesn't approved. Same to my mom said it to my face she also disapproved.
When I got married, my dad doesn't come to my wedding ceremony. BOTH my mom and dad refused to come.
The only answer I don't have is my dad didn't said the word he 'disown' me. Only my mom said that word.
My dad have my cell phone number but he won't call me. Your right, perhaps he just doesn't want to talk to me.

I do ask my older brother to let my dad know I said Hi, and asked how he doing.
My older brother try to help, he did try to bring up the topic about my husband and my marriage. But both my mom and dad shot it down everytime.
I know this is accurate because when I came back home to visit, I tried to bring up the topic of my marriage and my husband, and try to get my mom to met my husband. My mom shot me down everytime.
My mom just said alot of hurtful words about my husband. She said she ashamed of me, ashamed of my marriage, she doesn't want to hear it.
And my dad then change topic and talk to my brother. It clearly that my dad also don't want to hear it, doesn't want to met my husband.

I know my mom wants me to divorce my husband, but No. I'm not going to divorce my husband just to make my mom happy and welcome back with open arms. No.
It just so unfair, just so unjustice. My mom NEVER once met my husband before, Not even once. Why she discriminate against him and hate him so much when she never once met him? It just so Unfair and Unjustice for my husband.

I try, my brother also try. But my parents refused to accept my husband, refused to met my husband.. They make it clear they disapproved my husband. My mom make it very clear that she ashamed of me and ashamed of my marriage.
I don't know what else to do, I feel that I'm doomed all around. It just so hard, my parents make it so hard for me. It just so hard; they put Alot of pressure on me, my mom give me Tremendous pressure.

SP29 · March 2016

Your post just answered all my questions.

No, there is no relationship to save between you and your dad- he's made it pretty clear.

I am sorry you are going through this, but both of your parents are toxic to your life, so I think you need to remove them and look for other things to make you happy- such as your husband and your own future children.

You keep looking to your parents to provide you with love and support, but it's just not going to happen. You can't change them or how they feel. They cannot give you what you need. Which is sad, but the best thing is for you to find this in yourself and from your husband.

Hugs!

thefanciestbeckler · March 2016

This is sad, OP. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this. I do think that it will be more healthy for you to choose to move forward without your family now, though. I know how tough of a choice that can be to make - I had to choose to do that with my father. You don't deserve this pain and hurt.

Thankfully, you do have a wonderful and supportive husband. Move forward with him by your side and create a new family together! That is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

short+sassy · March 2016

On a positive side, it sounds like your older brother is in your corner. Are you close to him and his family? I know it isn't the parental approval you crave, but if he is a positive person in your life, hopefully he is a part of some of that sense of family you are looking for.

Yes, in light of your most recent post, your father is purposely choosing to not be in touch with you because of who you chose to marry. You're absolutely right. It's not fair. It's not fair at all that your parents would cut you out of their life because of your husband, who they refuse to even meet. But I can say that. And you can say that. And everyone on this board can say that. It doesn't change their attitude and I don't think there is anything that will.

Quite frankly, even if your parents agreed to meet your husband, it's a bad idea. They are going to have a hostile attitude toward him. If not downright verbally debase him, like your mother does to you. You wouldn't want to subject your husband to abuse like that.

thestaircase · March 2016

SP29 said:

Your post just answered all my questions.

No, there is no relationship to save between you and your dad- he's made it pretty clear.

I am sorry you are going through this, but both of your parents are toxic to your life, so I think you need to remove them and look for other things to make you happy- such as your husband and your own future children.

You keep looking to your parents to provide you with love and support, but it's just not going to happen. You can't change them or how they feel. They cannot give you what you need. Which is sad, but the best thing is for you to find this in yourself and from your husband.

Hugs!

Thank you Ms. SP29 for your direct and positive words. Thank you for spare few minutes of your time read my wordy post.

Your right.. It is time for me to accept that it doomed between me and my mom. There no hope that she will ever change her mind and her rigid discriminate views on my husband.
Already 3 months into 2016, and I haven't call home or drive back home to visit. And she doesn't give a shit, she knows my phone but she never bother to call me.. I know she completely cut me off is a way to force me to leave him. As long as I'm still married to him, she doesn't want anything to do with me.
It is time for me to accept this and let her go, or else I will never have any peace inside myself.

It is also time for me to let my father go, so I can have peace inside myself.
I been thinking about this a lot lately, and I'm not sure if my dad wants a relationship with me or wants to see me.. I feel that he made it pretty clear, I just don't know why it so hard for me to accept that both of my parents have abandon me.

-----------------------------------------------------
My mom said many hurtful words to me, and make hurtful comments regarding my husband and my marriage.

I know my mom called me and my future children dirty, is she making reference to me being dirty in regarding to my husband.
She flat out said it, her exact words is because I sleep with him.. I just don't get it, why am I dirty because I sleep with a guy who lawfully is my husband?
She also called me the word [ Ji ] in Chinese.. It means a whore, a prositute. My mom flat out said in my face that I'm a whore a prositute. And I'm nothing but a dirty girl.
I don't undertand how can she gave birth to me and called me those words? It just hurts so much because she is my mother, but she labels me those.

NEVER once my mom care enough to give one single chance to met my husband. She doesn't even care enough to know his name, or anything about him other than his ethnicity.. It clearly that she disrespect him.
She further disrespect him knowing that my heart only have him, I'm his wife.. BUT she still attempt to matchmaker me with other men.
From dating to married him.. My mom keeps try to matchmaker me with other men. I know she disapproved my husband since day one, but why she disrespect him like that?

--- One time mom tried to matchmaker me with a divorce Chinese man who much much older age than me.. But she said he rich and have a business; a businessman like my father. She wants me to go have dinner this man she chose for me.
--- Then another time she tried to matchmaker me with a Vietnamese guy (few years older age than me), who is a son of one of her close friend.. She said he have a Master degree, and a high paying job. Again, she wants me to go have dinner with this guy she chose for me.
If those dinners goes well, and everything goes as her plan.. She wants me to divorce, and come to those men. She said the good thing is I don't have kids with my husband yet, just don't let those men know that I was married to a guy with an 'ethnicity' like my husband.

This is blatantly disrespectful to my husband; please don't disrespect him like that.
So what if my husband is not rich, not a businessman, not have a Master degree; I don't need any of that.
What matter is he treats me really really well, and he is an awesome husband.
And he is a stand-up guy, he have one heck strength of character, and he have a ridiculously patience level.
(everyone that know him all said he is a stand-up guy and he have
strengh of character.)

I was very upset at what my mom did. I told her that I will NOT go to dinner with those men, I will NOT let she matchmaker me.. Beep, I don't even know those men, I never met those men before. Why the beep do I have to like them? Why the beep do I have to go to dinner with them?

I know matchmaker/introduce men to their daughters is strange to the western culture; but it is very common in China and Vietnam.. My Vietnamese mother still do it to me.
Not only she did it to me, but she also tried to do it to my older brother. My older brother make it clear that he not interested in she matchmaker him.. He also left home; back then he headed off to college far from home so he can get out of my mother house.

And I'm sorry please excuse my language, I know I said beep. I'm just upset when I think about this.. Perhaps I'm indeed an unfilial daughter, but I resent my mother for this. Am I wrong for being upset? Because everytime I think about this, I still get very upset.
Please don't get me wrong; I 'adoreee' Chinese guys. Growing up I always want to married a Chinese guy.. But fate didn't give me one; what do I do, go blame my husband that he not Chinese?
Beep, I'm Not going to let my mother matchmaker me with those men I don't even know. I'm Not going to force myself to love someone I don't know and don't love.

And it not simple as I can just completely erase my husband out of my heart, it not simple like that. There just so many things about him that I can't forget, and alot of memories between us.. I wish it simple as I wake up one day and completely forget who he is; erase his image erase everything about him out of my memory and my heart.

I don't understand my mother, why she discriminate and so hateful towards my husband.. NEVER once she care enough to met him. How can she hate so much someone that she never met before?
I know that she doesn't like his ethnicity.. BUT why disrespect him to the point of know that I'm married to him, but still introduce me/matchmaker me to other men?
Sorry, if that's not a big deal to some people; but I find what she did was very disrespectful.
Sometimes I just want to drive up to the mountain to scream and scream my lungs out. It just so much pressure my mom puts on me.

-----------------------------------------------------
My mom verbally abuse and belittle both me and my brother in our childhood.
(mothers that say verbally hurtful things and being critical to their children is quite common in China and Vietnam.)
But my older brother grow up fine, he snap out of it himself.. He did left home, he headed off to college to get his degrees (Bachelor's and Master's degrees). And he got married; have his own family.
His relationship with my mom is not close.. But he do take his wife, and their 4 children come back home to visit my parents; they usually visit twice a month, or once a month if busy.
My parents welcome my SIL. And my parents love and adore their 4 grandchildren.

It just hurts so much when I see my mother adores their 4 grandchildren (my older brother kids).
BUT then she called my future children dirty; and make it loud and clear to Do Not ever bring my dirty children back to see her, my children are not welcome.. And I'm also dirty; not just only I'm dirty but I'm also a whore a prositute.

You know how people said that grandchildren soften their grandparent's heart..
How there a chance that my future children will soften my mother heart, but I don't know why inside I don't have that optimistic.. Especially knowing that my mother already have 4 grandchildren from my older brother's kids already. Can having another grandchild make a difference for her when she already have 4 grandchildren?

Why my heart tell me that it won't make a difference, and she probably will just verbally abuse and belittle my children just like how she did to me.. My heart tell me to keep my children far far away from my mom. My heart tell me to do NOT let my children see my mom, or let them anywhere near her.
My brain is another story though; my brain want my children to have their maternal grandma (maternal grandparents), my brain want them to see their maternal grandma.
My heart and my brain always in conflicts like that, and my brain always win my heart. I really need to work on this.

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Thank you everyone for your advice. know everyone time is precious, so thank you for spare few minutes of your time help me. I really appreciated.

I'm close with my older brother. I have good relationship with my brother and my SIL, we get alone fine..
I know my brother do visit my parents. So I do asked him to help let my dad know I said Hi, and asked how dad doing.. He also tried to help bring up the topic about my husband and my marriage. BUT both my mom and dad shot it down everytime.
It not his fault, he does try to help me. It just my mother is very rigid in her thinking.

My older brother is the only person in my family that accept my husband.. He met my husband many times, they went out to eat and have conversation and talk. He really really like and approved my husband, he said I'm a lucky girl.

Both my parents make it very clear since day one that they disapproved my husband. Both my parents refused to give me their blessing, and didn't show up at my wedding ceremony..
But I guess Karma didn't treats me bad after all; I did have two important people gave me their blessing and were witnesses at my wedding ceremony.. That was my MIL (my husband's mother), and my older brother; they were the 2 witnesses.
I know I have my MIL and my older brother approval, or else they wouldn't be witnesses at my wedding ceremony.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2016

Prepare for bluntness:

Your parents aren't making this hard on you. You are. They told you, if you marry a black man we will disown you. You went ahead and married your husband (because fuck racists) and don't understand that they stood by their word.

What I no longer understand is why you would disrespect your husband by trying to force a relationship with people who hate him, especially after a lifetime of abuse. Your husband is your family now and deserves your loyalty. He also deserves a mentally healthy wife. I highly recommend you find a new therapist outside of your culture to help you come to terms with the status quo.
Not only does your H deserve it, but so do you. You shouldn't allow yourself to be held hostage by their misgivings and judgments for the rest of your life. Forget them and free yourself.

thespeshulestsnowflake · March 2016

Not sure if anyone else suggested this, but if you have trouble vocalizing your thoughts and feelings to your therapist, why don't you write out what you are thinking/feeling and read it to her/him? You could take what you've written here or something else to your next appointment.

mollybarker11 · March 2016

Something you've mentioned a few times now is that you want to know WHY your parents treat you so horribly and what you did to deserve it. @LondonLisa summed it up perfectly: Your parents are sick people. There is something wrong with THEM not YOU. No child could ever possibly do something to deserve abuse.

I understand that you want to hold on to hope that you can maintain a relationship with your father that you see as a positive one. The truth is that you do not have a positive relationship with your father. He may not have physically abused you, but he failed to protect you from your mother. He may not have verbally disowned you, but he has failed to put any effort into your relationship. He has chosen not to call you, he has chosen not to see you, he has chosen not to stand up to your mother when she got between you.

Again, I understand that this is hurtful and confusing. There is no explanation for WHY a parent would treat their child this way. The most important thing you can do is continue working with a therapist to accept that they are no longer a part of your life. Your mindset should be that YOU are cutting THEM out so that they will no longer cause you harm. I suggest finding a new therapist, perhaps one that specializes in familial relationships or abuse survivors.

You said you feel forced to choose between your parents and your husband. To me, this is an extremely easy choice. Your parents are hateful and cruel. Your husband is loving and supportive. Sadly, I do not think grandchildren will soften your parents' hearts because they are racist and awful. Please cut them out of your life so that your beautiful future children aren't exposed to their nastiness. I agree with @short+sassy that you must look to other sources of that "family" feel, like your brothers, or new friends in the Chinese/Vietnamese community that share your traditions and holidays.

It is clear from your posts that your thoughts on this topic are swirling and spiralling and hard to sort out. I think it would be helpful to journal your thoughts in a stream-of-consciousness format as you do here, and then later review them and try to edit them into something more clear and direct. This may help you get your points across in your therapy sessions.

ShesSoCold · March 2016

I applaud you ladies for having the patience to get through this user's posts and formulate a good response. I couldn't get through the entire first post and by the third response from OP that was 100 miles long and should have been a paragraph or less, I was screaming in my head "NO THERE IS NO GOD DAMN HOPE".

You're better people than I.

thestaircase · April 2016

I'm sorry, I'm not good at wording. I always type straight out what in my head. I don't think before I talk. My train of thoughts are scatter all over the place. I have no clarity.. I know my post is long-winded, and it just blocks of rambling text. IF my post in any way bothering, please just skip it or ignore it.
I know everyone time is precious, I really really appreciate your advice. I don't know how to thank you enough. I can say thank you a thousand times, and I still feel it not enough.. I do re-read this thread, like I'm re-reading it right now. It helps give me strength. Thank you.

My husband be from Sierra Leone, West Africa. He Not mixed, he fully African.. But he born raised and grow up in California.
He was raised in a matriarchal household.. His dad deceased when he was little, so he was raised by two women: his Mom and his older sister. So he did grow up in a matriarchal household.
His immediate family is all here in the U.S.. His dad deceased, so his blood immediate family consist of his mom and his older sister.

In the previous page, PP asked how is my relationship with my mother in-law. I do have a good relationship with my MIL.
My husband was keen on get get married. And I was very worried how his mom going to take this, or if she going to let her son married me.. I'm sure no mother in this world would be happy when see their son want to married a girl who her whole Chinese family discriminate against him.
BUT my MIL was very understanding.. She never blame me that my parents discriminate against her son. This was not a surprise to her, seem like she already know something along this line would happen.

Eventhough she was not suprise when we dating, she was not surprise at when her son wanted to get married.. But I still worried that she might not let me married her son, due to how my Chinese parents discriminate against him. You know what i Mean?
BUT MIL quite understanding. Her views is: my parents is my parents, me is me. As long as I love her son, as long as I don't discriminate against her son.
She did ask me to answer her if I love her son, I said I do.. I guess what matter to her is I love her son. And she gave me her blessing, and she was witness at my wedding ceremony.
I know I have my MIL approval, or else she won't be a witness my wedding ceremony.

--MIL likes me, she smiles and hugs me all the times. Everytime she see me, she always smiles and hugs me.. She she wants me to call her 'Mom', and said that I always have her as a family.
(MIL do know about my abusive childhood, and the strain situation I have with my parents.. Maybe she feels bad about how my mother treats me, perhaps that's why she wants me to call her mom? I dunno.)
--MIL also said when we have kids, she will help watch the baby for us.
--MIL often make cream puffs for me. Everytime she make cake and bake cookies for her grandkids (sister in-law kids); she remember I like to eat cream puffs, so she always bake me some.. I thought that was very nice of her.
--On Christmas she gave me Red Lobster Gift Card. She knows I like to eat at Red Lobster; so I guess that was why she give me Red Lobster Gift Card, so I can use it go eat there.. I thought that was very nice of my MIL to remember where I like to eat.
I think my relationship with my MIL is good. We not best friend or anything but for sure we don't have a bad relationship.

--------------------------------------------------------

Me and my husband is an odd pairing couple, we do have a huge cultural difference between us (China and Africa)..
BUT somehow his persistent and patience make it work, marriage have been very peaceful. Zero drama in our marriage. No MIL problems, Zero MIL drama.. Marriage have been sooo peaceful. Heck, we don't even fight or argue.
And I'm dissect my marriage apart trying hard to find a problem. Dissect my husband into millions pieces trying to find something wrong with him; when my therapist clearly said it NOT a husband problem. It a "ME" problem. It a "My" problem.
I know I have alot to work on myself. It all a "ME" problem; it Not a we marriage problem. Not a husband problem. Not a MIL problem.

I asked myself many times; It is fate that bring us together? It is 'familiarity' that bring us together? Can 'familiarity' bring two single/unmarried people together?
I'm the girl in his neighborhood. We met in the same neighborhood.
We met because we live in the same neighborhood. I saw him everyday.
Can 'familiarity', and our close distance bring us together?

He chase me but I want to test his patience. I said we only can be 'just friends'; se were just friends in the first 2 years knowing each others.. I use 2 years time to observe him, and get to know him; before I agree to be his GF.
Because I'm the girl in his neighborhood. Seeing each others day in and day out, it not hard to get to know him well.
When I became his GF; I make him wait 1 year into our committed relationship before I sleep with him. he waited.
Then when we live together; he was keen on tied the knot, I make him waited again before I agree to be his wife.
We got married 13 months ago. I know how much he wants a baby to complete our little family.. But I'm not ready for a baby yet; so I keep hold off baby plan, and he still wait.
I always look for ways to tes this love and patience. And I'm at the point that I don't know what else is there left to test this guy love?

He Never was the romantic/passionate fireworks type.
His love (past or present), always been the stable and steady type. It his steady devotion and stable. All the things that he do and still do, the daily things he do to show he cares.
He very understanding; understanding and accept my childhood baggage, understanding and accept my culture.
He knows I always test his love and patience; and he still here, still have all the patience.. Due to my dysfunctional chidlhood. I'm a very difficult girl to live with, I can be exhausted. It his ridiculusly patience level that can to deal with me and my childhood baggage.

He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. Thank you to him, I live a comfy life.
I often asked him if he will resent me because of my mother disapproved/discriminate against him? He answered that he will never resent me, because he knows all about this since the begining already, and he still 'chose' to married me.. He accepted the situation with my mother, he can't change how my mother thinks.
Got married was his choice, stay in this marriage is his decission; therefore he have No resentment.

He only 30, for a man that age he still young. He still can find another wife, go find his happiness.
I know how much he wants a baby to complete out little family, but I still make him wait. We don't have kids yet, there no baby to tied him down to me.
Also, I was NOT pregnant when we got married, it was him that keen on want to tied the knot get married.
I'm extremely careful with taking my BCP. I take my BCP very very carefully.. I'm still NOT pregnant yet--there no baby to tied him down to me.
He can walk out of this marriage anytime; he not stupid, he fully know this very well..

BUT he said he wants to 'stay married'; he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to hear the word divorce. He said he happy, and he wants to 'stay married'.
He asked me to trust him when he said he loves me, believe him when he said he want to 'stay married.. Don't push him away, he said he doesn't want to leave me.
He understand my emotional childhood bagage. He knows all about my abusive mother, and know all about she discriminate against him.. He said he understand everything, he knows everything, and he accept everything.

He knows it will take time for me to get used to his love--the way he love.. But he wants me to let him love me his way. Have faith in him, and let him show me "his" definition of what love is. His love, 'his' meaning of what love should be.
NOT the love that I saw from growing up with my mom/my parents.

He believe in the saying: "easy comes, easy goes". He believe that relationship take efforts. When two people go through hardship to be together, they will learn to treasure the relationship/treasure each others more.
He confident believe that as long as I'm by his side; he will use his persistent, patience, and sincere to will show me what love is.. And one day I will love him, we will have our baby, we will have our happy little family.

Past or presents, he always treats me with respect; eventhough I'm just a silly girl.
He treats me really well. And he flexible and very understanding. He just have one request, his request is communication.. He likes to face the problem, communicate it through and solve it. He strongly against the silent-treatment route.
To him love/marriage go side by side with communication.. Don't rug-sweep problems, face it and work it out together. Don't run away from the piles, it will just build up more and more.

To him whether in life or marriage. When there is a problem, you face it and solve it. Don't run away from it.
Rug-sweep or run away from a problem doesn't make it goes away. It will just build up to more problems, and you will end up have a piles of problems to solve instead.. He doesn't want headache or drama; so when there is one problem arise, face it and solve it. Don't let that one problem lead to more problems down the road. That his reasoning.

He always tell me that he believe in communication, honesty and respect. He said he wants BOTH me and him to be upfront to each others, both lays everything out on the table.. That was what we both did, lay everything out for each others to see.
As he wanted, I lay everything out on the table for him to see. He knows exactly what he was getting into.. He knows everything, and accept everything about me it. Perhaps this is why our relationship still survive till today?
He said he understand everything, he knows everything, and he accept everything. (whatever that suppose to means)

He wants and needs complete honestly in relationship/marriage..
He said he doesn't want to build a marriage based on lies. He believes that a strong marriage needs to be based on complete honesty, where two people accept each others for who they are.. Knowing the good and the bad about each others, just lay it all out on the table and start build the relationship from there.
He thinks that a relationship start out from honestly since the begining, it will save you from alot of headache later on.. He hate hate drama, he doesn't want any drama in his life. Again, that is his reasoning.

I duno, he just have 'his ways' of doing things, and solving things. He ridiculously patience, it his ridiculous patience level that hold this marriage together.
He a confident guy, he positive and optimistic.. And he very balance. It nearly impossible to tip his balance scale; he just very calm and level-headed. He balance his life, his family, his two jobs. Heck, and balance me--the very unbalance wife. I'm a very unbalance person.

He have no problem with facing his own emotions. He dares to love, dares to show his love and show his emotions.. I don't know why he a guy, but he so in touch with his emotional side. The only reasoning is because he was raised matriarchal household. His dad deceased when he was little, so he was raised by two women--his mom and his older sister.
He a guy, but he have zero problem facing his own emotions.
I'm the opposite of him. I'm a girl but I suppress my emotions, and I definately don't dare to love.

-----------------------------------------------------------

When we married, he see how much pressure I have regarding my Chinese mother disapproval of our marriage. He knows I married him means my mother will disown me.
He said when I feel grief, he feels grief too.
He said we can start over at another state. If that means I can forget about my childhood, forget about my abusive mother and forget the pressure from the Chinese/Vietnamese community.
He said we can move to the South; he have relatives/family members in GA. His aunt family live in Georgia, (his mom's younger sister--his aunt). His mom very close with his aunt.
He said we can move the South. We start over with just me and him, and our future children.. We leave California, and start over in Georgia. If that can help me forget about my childhood, forget about my abusive mother.

All he asked me is for some time, because he can't just quit his 2 jobs immediately the next day and move.
He is a planner, so he needs some time to find new jobs a the new state. Find new place to live, and have everything prepare and ready at the new state before we move; he just wants to secure everything first before we move.. When everything ready, all I have to do is move with him.

But I refused, I said NO! I don't want to move.
Because I feel that it not fair for him to give up everything he has here; And start his life over in another state just because of me, just because he wants to help me with my childhood.. My emotional childhod baggage is "My" problem, it Not a 'him' problem.
He born and raise in California. His mom is here, his 2 jobs are here. (He work 2 jobs. He has a full time job and a part time job).

I know when he give me the option that we can move to the South; It not because he wants to leave CA, he do it because of me.. Because he see how much pressure I have from my Chinese/Vietnamese family.
I'm not even sure if moving to the South with him will solve anything in my childhood emotional baggage. Because this is an 'emotional' problem for me, I will carried it with me regardless of anywhere I go. So why emotionally torture this guy?

He said long gone were the days when I have to wash dishes and do food server/waitress. Long gone are the days I had eat rice with soy sauce to save money. Long gone were the days when I have to sleep in Homeless shelter.
He said back then when I left my mother house; I was in a situation where I didn't have a choice, so I have to work those jobs for to survival. I was alone by myself.
BUT now I have a choice, now I have him. He said put all those hard days behind me, and let him take care of me.

Regarding him not want me to work in Shoe Retail, but want me to work in Office job instead. It because he doesn't want to see me be on my feet running around get shoe for people to try on. Climb on ladders getting shoe boxes for peopel to try on, that is a No.. Especially when I'm pregnant, that is a No.
He said he make enough money for me to stay home. He said stay home is a choice I have, an option I have.
But I tell him No, I want to work. He doens't get it, it NOT about the money.
I know my job is minimum wage, $10 an hour.. BUT it give me my self-worth. Due to my childhood, independence and freedom is the most important to me.

thestaircase · April 2016

I know my Chinese family disapprove him. My mother unreasonably discriminate against him and disrespect him.. I feel terrible for him.
I know I have my emotional childhood baggage to work though. I have zero self-worth.
Myself alwyas told me I need to leave an "exit" for him.. I always leave "an Exit/an out" for him. He knows he have the financial freedom to walk out of this marriage anytime he wants. Yes, I purposely leave a financial exit for my husband.

Back when me and my husband got married. I make it very clear insisting on keep 'Separate' financial after marriage, separate Saving/Checking accounts.. My husband make 4x more income than me, so 'the husband' clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.
I'm the one that keep on insist on keep separate financial. Frankly, he didn't have much of a choice, what can he do when his wife keep insisting on separate bank accounts?
This is my insist, and he have no choice on this. This is what I want; if he want to married me, he have to let me have this my way. I make this loud and clear prior to getting married.. And he let me have it my way.

He always bank with Chase. I always bank with Wells Fargo. We both have our own Checking/Saving accounts there, and I insist on continue keep it like that after marriage.. NEVER once we had fights or arguments over money, there nothing to be argue about. Eventhough we have separate accounts, we completely financial transparency with each others. It works for us.

We both Debt-free, zero debt. No school debt, No credit-cards debt.. We far far from rich, but because (past or present) we Debt-free, and we both are not big spender; life is comfy for us.
We pay all our credit cards bills early every month. Once we get the bills, we pay it right away; so our credit scores is excellent. We pay rent and bills on time early every month too.
We live BELOW our means. It just a two of us, so there isn't much to spend on.. We do have decent amount in Saving accounts. We save for retirement saving. Financial is not a problem in our marriage. With his income alone, he doing well by himself.

He very responsible with money, he work hard to secure for the future. Every month he always puts money in saving account in case of rainy days. He make sure we have a decent amount in saving, make sure we in a comfortable financial position. He save for our baby future and save for us, and save for emergency. He's a huge planner.

Me? Pffffffffff! I'm not a planner. I'm the girl that live paycheck by paycheck; because my job is minimum wage, it not much to save.
Him--he worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. Thank you to him, I live a comfy life.

Yes, we have keep financial separate.. I'm the one that do checkbook balance, keep track of money, balances the checkbooks.
He doesn't like to go online. He doesn't like to do any banking/financial stuff related online. He Never do eStatements, everything is through paper mail home to him.
All bills all financial bills stuff, monthly credit card bills, saving/checking bank statements; are all mail home to him in paper. He like and prefer to keep Paper Statements for everything.

He wants me to help balance his checkbook for him. And I do help him, I balance it and let him check it over afterwards.
He wants me to check his credit card bills, check all transactions receipts; make sure the amount payment is correct before he pay off the bill.
Same with his bank accounts transactions; when the saving/checking statements come home, he wants me to help him check it.. He said he wants me to balance his checkbook.
All financial stuff related are all mail home in paper, he wants me to check it for him. We have complete financial transparency. He said I'm his wife, and he trust me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because it was me that insist on keep financial separate after marriage, seem like he try to find ways to make it up for me.

I don't know if this is 'His' way of make it up for me because I insist on keep seperate bank accounts. Or perhaps he feels bad for me, because he knows all my life I work mimimum wage jobs that doesn't pay much.. BUT he always give me money whenever he get pays.
He didn't do this when I was his GF in our committed relationship. He didn't do this when we live together.. BUT after we "officially" got married--I became his wife; he begin to give me money everytime he get pays from his two jobs.

He have two wallets. One wallet he take with him to work, and one wallet he said he leave at home for me.
He have a full time job that pays weekly, and a part time job that pays bi-weekly; so he get pay six times a month.
Every time he get pays, he always bring back those $100 new hundred-dollar bills for me, (more than one $100 bills).. He gives it to me, but I refused to take it; so he puts the money in the wallet at home for me.
Every.single.time. he get pay he do that, he do it out of his own willing. He said spend it on anything I want, go shopping and buy things for myself.. but I don't want to spend his hard work money.

Those new $100 dollars bill he give me does add up quickly, because he get pays six times a month.. And he always give me more than one $100 bills everytime time he get pays.
Each time he gets pay he always give me $200 to $300; he give me that amount but six times a month, so it does add up quickly.
A month he give me from $1,200 to $1,800 each month.
The months he work more (holidays/overtime), he give me more money.. He did work Thanksgiving and Christmas, and he gave me more because he get pay more from from working overtime/holidays.

There twelve months a year; the amount he gives me each month times twelves. It does add up.
(it probably not be alot to others; But I'm just a girl who work minium wage jobs all my life, to me it alot of money).. And especially these monthly money he gives me; he said it is my 'spending money' for each month. He said go buy anything I want, spend it on anything I want; he give it to me, it is mine.
I flat out tell him I put the money in the saving. Because I don't spend it, so the money will just keep adds up and up weekly, as he keeps put money into the wallet at home for me to use/spend.

I don't use, I don't spend it. And I can't keep have these cash laying around at home, so I told him I put the money he give me in to a saving. I said I hold it for him, and he can take it back anytime he wants. I will give it all back to him whenever he wants it back.
He thinks I'm silly. He said he will not take back the money. He said he give it to me; it is mine, it my spending money.
gahh.. I make it loud and clear that don't give me money, but he say he 'wants' to. He said go buy anything I want, spend it on whatever I want, do whatever I like with it.

We got married 13 months ago, and he give me money eversince and he still giving me money. I did open a saving account to put the money he give me separately.
I told him I don't want his money, I don't need him give me spending money. But he keep wants me to accept it, I accept it so he can be happy.. It not worth it an argument over this. I just put the money he gave me in the saving account.
We live in California, a High Cost of Living state. We do need to keep saving money, everything is so expensive in California.

I don't know if it because he feels sad for me, or pity love or whatever.. I don't know why he married me, perhaps it just pity love.
I don't understand why he keeps give me money everytime he get pays. When he clearly knows I don't want it, I will just continue put it in the saving.. I told him I want his name on the saving too, but he doesn't want to. He said he gave me the money, it is my money. He wants me to use it, spend it on whatever I want; it is my spending money.

If someone have a few minutes to spare, can help give me advice or suggestion. ugh.. he Still give me money everytime he gets pay. He get pay six times a month, and every.single.time he get pays he give me money.. I tell him many times that I don't need it. But he said he 'wants' to give it to me.
I don't know how can I make him understand that I don't want him to give me money everytime he get pays. How to word it to him to make him understand? How to get him to stop give me spending money?.. All I know that it not worth it an argument. I guess I just have to keeps continue put the money in the saving account.

I know my husband doing this is because I keep on insist and insist on keep financial separate after marriage. I know he trying to find ways to make it up for me. Perhaps this is his wasy to make it for me.. Or he feels pity for me because he knows all my life I work at minimum wage jobs.
I will save the money for our future baby; when the baby comes this money can be spend on the baby--use it for baby expense, Or save it for baby college. At least this is something me as a mom I can do for my baby.

drunkenwitch · April 2016

ShesSoCold said:

I applaud you ladies for having the patience to get through this user's posts and formulate a good response. I couldn't get through the entire first post and by the third response from OP that was 100 miles long and should have been a paragraph or less, I was screaming in my head "NO THERE IS NO GOD DAMN HOPE".
You're better people than I.

Thank you. I have skimmed the miles of text and bit my tongue. You can only change yourself, not other people. If you aren't willing to make those changes in yourself then no one can help you.

STARMOON44 · April 2016

Enough. he gives you money because you are married. CA is a community property state. Half of everything he earns is legally yours. Just combine your accounts. Making a martyr of yourself is helping anything.

start rereading and editing your posts. It might help you see how repetitive your thoughts are.

thestaircase · April 2016

Lol, I KNOW the marriage laws. And I know the divorce laws.
California is a community property state doesn't matter, because I refused to fight for it. It only matter if I take him to court and fight for half of what is mine.
IF divorce; and I refused to take half of what his, refused to go to court to fight for half of what I can have. Then what the laws can do? This is a freedom country. There no laws that force me to take anything from him.
There no laws that will automatic give me give me half of what his (if divorce). In order to get half of what his, I have to go to court then the laws will give it to me.. If I refused to to to court, refuse do take it; then what can the laws do? Lol

I don't have to take anything you don't want, there are NO laws forcing me to.
I'm not a martyr. I purposely want to leave him a "financial" exit. It has nothing to do with being a martyr or not.
I told him if he not happy in this marriage, or not happy with me want to keep separate financial; then he can go find his happiness.. It 'Him' that said he happy and want to "stay married". He wants to stay married, that his choice.

I repeatedly told him many times, make sure he knows that IF we divorce; I'm willing to walk out empty handed. I myself chose to walk out empted, it what I will do.
I know there laws that protect my rights as his wife; if divorce I can claim what mine (during the time we married).. BUT if I refused to claim it, and chose to walk out empty handed; there no laws that can stop me. If I don't want to fight for my rights when divorce; there no laws that can force me to fight when I refused to.
I don't want half his money or whatever the laws said I can claim, (during the time as his wife married to him). Financially he free to leave. Financially or not, he always has the freedom to leave if he wants.
He knows this too well; and he doesn't want to leave, that his choice.

I have nothing further to said on this financial topic. I refused to have 'joint accounts', I refused to take a penny from him IF we divorce. And there no laws that can force me to.
There no laws that will go take a half of his money/assets, and automatically hand it to me (if divorce).. IF I want it, I need to go to court and ask for it, then it will give to me. And I refused to go to court, refused to fight for it, then what can the laws do? Lol

Anyways, I didn't ask for advice on whether I should keep financial separate or joint.. I didn't ask for advice on wehther I should or should not take half of his money/assets IF divorce.
In my post above; I simply asked one question, is how to get him to stop give me money every single time he gets pay. He get pays six times a month, and he give me money six times a month.. I told him many times that I don't need it, and I don't use it. I will just put it all in the saving account in the bank.
It 'Him' that insist on give it to me, and said that he "wants" to give it to me.

Frankly, I don't need lecture on how I should keep financial with my husband. Whether it joint or separate, it is up to us to decide.. Just like it is up to you and your DH to decide how do you guys keep your financial, that is your business.
My post above, my question I didn't ask for a lecture on how I should keep financial with my husband.

Anyways; Ms. MOD, please feel free to close this thread if you find it necessary.. Because I have nothing further to comment about this--the financial situation. As it crystal clear that I made up my mind that I want to continue keep financial 'separate'. I refused to make any chances to the financial situation, so there nothing left to say on this.

STARMOON44 · April 2016

thestaircase said:

Lol, I KNOW the laws. And I know the divorce laws.
CA is a community property state doesn't matter, because I refused to fight for it. It only matter if I take him to court and fight for half of what is mine.
IF divorce; and I refused to take half of what his, refused to go to court to fight for half of what I can have. Then what the laws can do? This is a freedom country. There no laws that force me to take anything from him.
There no laws that will automatic give me give me half of what his (if divorce). In order to get half of what his, I have to go to court then the laws will give it to me.. If I refused to to to court, refuse do take it; then what can the laws do? Lol

I don't have to take anything you don't want, there are NO laws forcing me to.
I'm not a martyr, far far from it. I purposely want to leave him a "financial" exit. It has nothing to do with being a martyr or not.
I told him if he not happy in this marriage, or not happy with me want to keep separate financial; then he can go find his happiness.. It him that said he happy and want to "stay married". He wants to stay married, that his choice.

I make sure he knows that IF we divorce. I'm willing to walk out empty handed. I myself chose to walk out empted, it what I will do.
I know there laws that protect my rights as his wife; if divorce I
can claim what mine (during the time we married).. BUT if I refused to claim it, and chose to walk out empty handed; there no laws that can stop me. If I don't want to fight for my rights when divorce; there no laws that can force me to fight when I refused to.
I don't want half his money or whatever the laws said I can claim, (during the time as his wife married to him). Financially he free to leave. Financially or not, he always has the freedom to leave if he wants.
He knows this too well; and he doesn't want to leave, that his choice.

I have nothing further to said on this financial topics. I refused to have 'joint accounts', I refused to take a penny from him IF we divorce. And there no laws that can force me to.
There no laws that will go take a half of his money and assets, and automatically hand it to me (if divorce).. IF I want it, I need to go to court and ask for it, then it will give to me. And I refused to go ot court , refused to fight for it, then what can the laws do? Lol

Anyways, I didn't ask for advice on whether I should keep financial separate or joint.. I didn't ask for advice on wehther I should or should not take half of his money/assets IF divorce.
In my post above; I simply asked one question, is how to get him to stop give me money every single time he gets pay. He get pays six times a month, and he give me money six times a month.. I told him many times that I don't need it, and I don't use it. I will just put it all in the saving account in the bank. It him that insist on give it to me, and said that he "wants" to give it to me.

Frankly, I don't need lecture on how I should keep financial with my husband. Whether it joint or separate, it is up to us to decide.. Just like it is up to you and your DH to decide how do you guys keep your financial, that is your business.
My post above, my question I didn't ask for a lecture on how I should keep financial with my husband.

Anyways, Ms. MOD, feel free to close this thread if you think it necessary.. Because I have nothing further to comment about this--the financial situation. As it crystal clear that I made up my mind that I want to continue keep financial 'separate'. I refused to make any chances to the financial situation, so there nothing left to say on this.

Then why the fuck are you posting? No. There is no hope with your parents, because they are abusive racists. No, there is no way to stop your husband giving you money if he wants to. No, your therapist is not doing a good job.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

@Starmoon44 It's too early to get through those walls of text. Summary?

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

Well it's more interesting to read someone be pissy than it is to read pages and pages of whining about the same thing.

STARMOON44 · April 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

@Starmoon44 It's too early to get through those walls of text. Summary?

She complained about her husband giving her money, because they have separate accounts. I suggested they just combine since legally it's all their money anyway. She said she didn't need help about their finances and didn't want advice okay!!! Sigh.

drunkenwitch · April 2016

All I see from these posts is pages and pages of whining and excuses about why the OP refuses to grow up and take responsibility for her own life and own her shit.

I can't.

SP29 · April 2016

Nothing wrong with having separate bank accounts.

But stop complaining that your husband is giving you money- because he wants to. Use it to buy the family groceries. Put down extra payments on your mortgage. Put it in a separate savings account for your future children's education fund.

Yes, I think you need a new therapist.

You are pushing away the one person who truly wants to be with you- your husband. Sabotaging yourself. Stop trying to make things work with your parents and make things work with your husband.

mollybarker11 · April 2016

I've had to start skimming too but I get the gist by reading sentences here and there.

OP - I don't understand why you keep talking about divorcing this man when in the same posts you rave on and on about how wonderful he is.

Your parents' racism does not have an impact on how much your husband loves you, so why do you keep thinking he'll resent and divorce you because of it??? You're a different person, your parents aren't in your life, so why would he give a shit about two random people he's never gonna meet?

Please find a better therapist who can help you work through your desire to self-sabotage.

short+sassy · April 2016

In answer to your question about what to do with the money he gives you, if you're uncomfortable spending it because you like to keep the finances separate, than maybe you all should open just a savings account together. And you can put that cash in the savings account. You all would still be keeping the majority of your finances separate, but you'd also be saving a nice nest egg for your all's future. That could be a savings account for future baby expenses, future child college savings, retirement, and/or a down payment for a house.

But whatever you all do, don't keep huge amounts of cash in your home. That's just not safe.

Viczaesar · April 2016

No, there's no hope. Stop obsessing over your childhood and the past and live your life. Stop trying to sabotage your relationship with your husband. Get some more therapy.

thespeshulestsnowflake · April 2016

From what I've skimmed, your parents are not going to ruin your relationship with your husband. You are. You are not putting him first, you are putting your abusive parents first. You need to put yourself and your husband first. And cut off your parents.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

One of the greatest fallacies in life is that happiness is inherent. It's not, it takes work to be happy.

Your work is to find a new therapist, learn to let go of your parents, learn that you are not doomed to the life they set out for you, and learn to stop sabotaging your relationship with your husband. The emotional abuse from them is so strong that in your own head you think you don't deserve your H, and if you let your marriage dissolve, you just let them win; again.

arrippa · April 2016

Bottom line: there is no hope. Your H is your family.

Look, I understand what parents can do to their kids but there comes a time, as an adult, that you need to stop enabling it. Your parents are racist abusers and frankly, I don't understand why you haven't cut them off. I know guilt is a powerful thing but there comes a time where you need to do what's right for you and your DH and your parents aren't it. They made their bed and know they have to sleep in it. Please get some good therapy and move on with your H.

climbingsingle · April 2016

OP, I don't know why you keep coming back here for advice. Now you want us to tell you how to explain to your H that you don't want him to give you money?? Are you serious?

I think you need a better therapist, and then additionally I think you need to see a marriage counselor so you two can learn how to communicate better.

In my situation there still HOPE right? Please please tell me there still HOPE.. Very LONGGG post.

Re: In my situation there still HOPE right? Please please tell me there still HOPE.. Very LONGGG post.

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