Issues with the best man?

[Deleted User] · April 2016

So, to make this quick.
the best man and my fiance have been friends for years, they had a few issues back 2 years ago and reconnected before I met my fiance. This past Friday he showed up uninvited to our home, with booze ready for a long night of drinking. I was upset with my fiance because I felt like my privacy had been disturbed, we spoke about it (while we were having a conversation between ourselves, his friend comes back inside grabs all his things) and his friend was rude and slammed my front door on the way out, after i had told him "I really hope you're not planning on drinking this in my house, I don't want booze in my home."

I told my fiance to call him back, which he did I went out for a coffee with my mom and when I came back he had parked in the driveway blocking my way in. I called asked if he could move his car, he refused. I was upset and told him to move it or I'd move it myself.

Bottom line was he left that night, upset and called my fiance the next day. I noticed early the next day he had blocked/deleted me off all social media. He lives 4 hours away. He asked him if he was going to go down to see him my fiance told him he wasn't going to see him without speaking to me first especially since we hadn't resolved the issue from the night before. He was mad said my fiance wasn't allowed to come see him anymore. My fiance told him that wasn't the case that he was at fault for me being upset, he forgot to tell me he was coming down and he wanted to fix things with me before going down. My fiance said some things he said made him mad, "your picking her over me...." and my fiance said "dont make me choose between you and her...it's going to be her."

He than texted my fiance saying "It was nice knowing you, bud. best of luck with all that."

My question is what do I do? apologize? I asked my fiance he said no, i dont want you to apologize he obviously wasn't a true friend.

Some advice please?

JediElizabeth · April 2016

Knottie1453136565 said:

So, to make this quick.
the best man and my fiance have been friends for years, they had a few issues back 2 years ago and reconnected before I met my fiance. This past Friday he showed up uninvited to our home, with booze ready for a long night of drinking. I was upset with my fiance because I felt like my privacy had been disturbed, we spoke about it (while we were having a conversation between ourselves, his friend comes back inside grabs all his things) and his friend was rude and slammed my front door on the way out, after i had told him "I really hope you're not planning on drinking this in my house, I don't want booze in my home."

I told my fiance to call him back, which he did I went out for a coffee with my mom and when I came back he had parked in the driveway blocking my way in. I called asked if he could move his car, he refused. I was upset and told him to move it or I'd move it myself.

Bottom line was he left that night, upset and called my fiance the next day. I noticed early the next day he had blocked/deleted me off all social media. He lives 4 hours away. He asked him if he was going to go down to see him my fiance told him he wasn't going to see him without speaking to me first especially since we hadn't resolved the issue from the night before. He was mad said my fiance wasn't allowed to come see him anymore. My fiance told him that wasn't the case that he was at fault for me being upset, he forgot to tell me he was coming down and he wanted to fix things with me before going down. My fiance said some things he said made him mad, "your picking her over me...." and my fiance said "dont make me choose between you and her...it's going to be her."

He than texted my fiance saying "It was nice knowing you, bud. best of luck with all that."

My question is what do I do? apologize? I asked my fiance he said no, i dont want you to apologize he obviously wasn't a true friend.

Some advice please?

It's kinda confusing, but let me know if I'm getting this right from the bolded:

Your FI knew his friend was coming to your shared home on a Friday night and wanted to drink/party.
Your FI didn't tell you about this.
He came, you were blindsided and upset.
Your FI did not immediately explain the situation and suggest an alternate option that allowed him to party without messing with your plans (such as a bar).
Now you and the friend are fighting, because your FI did not communicate.

Did I get that right, or was he actually uninvited, and therefore blindsided your FI as well?

If I'm right, this is a mess your FI needs to clean up by taking responsibility for his actions and talking to all people involved before you talk to the friend.

If I'm wrong, and your FI wasn't expecting him either, it sounds like this guy's an asshole, and there's no reason to mend things. Goodbye to bad rubbish.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

my FI knew he was coming, but forgot to tell me (he had a stressful day at work, and the friend called him last minute to tell him as he was leaving work) but he wasn't aware of booze. But my FI didn't like how he said he felt like he was choosing me over him. After all was said and done, my FI doesn't want me to apologize.

lembaslover · April 2016

Knottie1453136565 said:

my FI knew he was coming, but forgot to tell me (he had a stressful day at work, and the friend called him last minute to tell him as he was leaving work) but he wasn't aware of booze. But my FI didn't like how he said he felt like he was choosing me over him. After all was said and done, my FI doesn't want me to apologize.

Sounds like your issue is with your FI then not the best man. Also sounds like you were pretty rude to the friend. I get being surprised and frustrated when someone shows up unexpected but if your FI knew then you need to let it go and be nice to the friend and work things out with your FI after.

Personally I think you both owe the friend an apology. He drove 4 hours to see your FI and was treated rudely by both of you.

bleve0821 · April 2016

I agree with scribe. This was not handled in an adult manner by anyone. A friend of your FI drives over FOUR HOURS, on a Friday, after work (presumably), looking for some quality time with your FI. He's greeted with whatever welcome that was rather than a polite, "Hi, nice to see you, you must be exhausted, come in, and we'll talk this out." That welcome would piss me off, too.

It sounds like you just flew off the handle and kicked him out. In a shared home, this is a red flag. What if this had been your FMIL? If she had dropped by "uninvited," would you have treated her this way?

Your FI dropped the ball, but you still weren't right to treat the friend the way you did. I'm not understanding FI's role in all of this, but I think you both owe the friend an apology. This friend was your FI's guest in your shared home, whether he remembered to tell you beforehand or not. You made it very clear the friend was not welcome, and that was incredibly rude of you, regardless of the circumstances.

lnixon8 · April 2016

Between kicking him out for the alcohol and telling him you would move his car yourself when he didn't respond as quickly as you wanted I don't think the friends reacted all that poorly.
Did he know you are so insecure about alcohol?

LondonLisa · April 2016

I can't believe you aren't embarrassed by your actions. I'm not going to sugar coat it: you sound very controlling and prone to fly off the handle.

Your fi messed up, not the BM. And the way you freaked out at everyone, I'm not surprised your fi panicked and didn't admit his mistake right away. No wonder he is siding with you saying don't apologise: are you going to shout, sulk and be rude to him if he didn't?!

Shouting about 'alcohol in your house' (oh no! Heaven forbid!) or yelling 'move your car or I'll move it for you' (such kind words!) is really rude. You should be embarrassed by your behaviour. You really owe this guy an apology.

bleve0821 · April 2016

Also the parking in the driveway.... unless your driveway is 5 miles long, having to park on the street while your guest uses the driveway wouldn't logically hurt anyone.

ETA clarification

bleve0821 · April 2016

Duplicate post, sorry!

climbingsingle · April 2016

You both owe him a HUGE apology. Also, does he know alcohol is not allowed in your house?

crowsgirl15 · April 2016

I fail to see one thing the best man did wrong other than maybe slamming the door. You owe him a big apology, and it also sounds like you and your FI have some communication issues you need to work out.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

My friends and I drop in on each other uninvited frequently. If it isn't a good time we say so - no big deal. But since your fiance knew about it, he wasn't uninvited. You and FI owe BM an apology.

drunkenwitch · April 2016

You were really rude to FI's friend. It was not his fault FI didn't give you a heads up and you took out on him. Also, if you are that adamant about alcohol on the house, you need to work that out with your FI, not fly off the handle at his friend who has no idea.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

I'm team BM.

whoabethers · April 2016

Knottie1453136565 said:

So, to make this quick.
the best man and my fiance have been friends for years, they had a few issues back 2 years ago and reconnected before I met my fiance. This past Friday he showed up uninvited to our home, with booze ready for a long night of drinking. I was upset with my fiance because I felt like my privacy had been disturbed, we spoke about it (while we were having a conversation between ourselves, his friend comes back inside grabs all his things) and his friend was rude and slammed my front door on the way out, after i had told him "I really hope you're not planning on drinking this in my house, I don't want booze in my home."

I told my fiance to call him back, which he did I went out for a coffee with my mom and when I came back he had parked in the driveway blocking my way in. I called asked if he could move his car, he refused. I was upset and told him to move it or I'd move it myself.

Bottom line was he left that night, upset and called my fiance the next day. I noticed early the next day he had blocked/deleted me off all social media. He lives 4 hours away. He asked him if he was going to go down to see him my fiance told him he wasn't going to see him without speaking to me first especially since we hadn't resolved the issue from the night before. He was mad said my fiance wasn't allowed to come see him anymore. My fiance told him that wasn't the case that he was at fault for me being upset, he forgot to tell me he was coming down and he wanted to fix things with me before going down. My fiance said some things he said made him mad, "your picking her over me...." and my fiance said "dont make me choose between you and her...it's going to be her."

He than texted my fiance saying "It was nice knowing you, bud. best of luck with all that."

My question is what do I do? apologize? I asked my fiance he said no, i dont want you to apologize he obviously wasn't a true friend.

Some advice please?

I completely understand your frustration because this is actually a relatively frequent occurrence at my house - FI always forgets to tell me when he invites people over. Yes, it's annoying, but I only ever get cranky with FI about it. If i'm really not in the mood to hang out, I just go upstairs and pretend I'm doing homework lol. Taking it out on the friend isn't really a fair reaction. You should definitely apologize, and you should tell FI that he owes an apology too.

levioosa · April 2016

Wow. All of this is just so immature. BM WAS invited...BY YOUR FI. He drove four hours to see his best friend, and then he shows up and is met with bitchy comments. If you didn't know about the plans, that's a FI problem, not a BM problem. It's not like BM came over truly unannounced, drunk, and ready to party all night. This was a previous agreement between him and FI. And you made it a complete clusterfuck instead of acknowledging how shitty it was of your FI not to tell you, and then going to your room to read, or asking the guys to take it to another room/garage/wherever. And, am I assuming correctly, that after all of this, BM made the 4 hour trip home that same night?!? Jesus, I feel bad for him.

You and FI both need to apologize, and then you and FI really need to work on your communication skills.

flantastic · April 2016

levioosa said:

Wow. All of this is just so immature. BM WAS invited...BY YOUR FI. He drove four hours to see his best friend, and then he shows up and is met with bitchy comments. If you didn't know about the plans, that's a FI problem, not a BM problem. It's not like BM came over truly unannounced, drunk, and ready to party all night. This was a previous agreement between him and FI. And you made it a complete clusterfuck instead of acknowledging how shitty it was of your FI not to tell you, and then going to your room to read, or asking the guys to take it to another room/garage/wherever. And, am I assuming correctly, that after all of this, BM made the 4 hour trip home that same night?!? Jesus, I feel bad for him.

You and FI both need to apologize, and then you and FI really need to work on your communication skills.

All of this.

And I'd like to add, being a gracious person means that you shouldn't have acted the way you did EVEN IF the bolded were true. Which it wasn't. This is not an issue with the best man.

If someone showed up invited by DH and he hadn't told me, and I wasn't prepared for it and that made me angry, and booze was for whatever reason not allowed in our house, I would:
a) Be angry with DH, but not in front of the guest, whose fault it was not;
b) Leave it to DH to enforce any house rules on booze, or not;
c) Graciously hang out or graciously excuse myself.

banana468 · April 2016

I'm with the others. Without knowing any more than what was stated, I'm team BM.

I'm also team your FI needs to be a better communicator.

Your FI knew this was happening and then didn't tell you and you flew off the handle?

I'm curious about why the booze was so awful to be in the house. Are you both recovering substance abusers? If that's the case I can have a bit of sympathy. But regardless, I think you messed up big time.

downtondiva · April 2016

You were all immature and all owe each other apologies. You should've reacted more politely when BM showed up. He shouldn't have gotten so nasty and given your FI an ultimatum. And of course, your FI should've told you that BM was coming over. If you're going to be pissed at anyone, be pissed at him for not telling you (I don't care that he had a stressful day at work, you tell people when company is coming).

As for the alcohol thing, I am also curious as to why you were so upset that it was brought into the house. Obviously, if you've told this friend before that there was no booze allowed, then I understand your frustration, though you still could've been more polite about it. Anyway, I think you all need to come together and apologize to one another and try to put this behind you.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

This one falls on FI for not telling you, however you could have also handled it much better. Damage control needs to be done but I suspect the damage has been done for the long-haul.

Just because there's alcohol doesn't mean that you need to partake. I'm a teetotaler so I get the WTF with alcohol showing up at my home however, I have wine loving friends and would shrug it off. Also, it's not as though you've just had a baby that is colicy and hasn't STTN in months and he's showing up unannounced - in which case, a beotchy reception could be argued and justified.. As for your parking spot, take a breath and roll with that type of thing in the future...

drunkenwitch · April 2016

Well well well, looks someone didn't get instant validation so she took her ball and went home.

levioosa · April 2016

drunkenwitch said:

Well well well, looks someone didn't get instant validation so she took her ball and went home.

The lack of the DD does surprise me though. Along with the lack of bingo, which I was looking forward to playing.

bleve0821 · April 2016

Funny story... For the longest time, I thought DD meant "drunken drama." Silly me, there's my blonde showing.

spockforprez · April 2016

Dammit. I came for the bat signal and there were NO juicy bratty replies from OP!!! I am disappoint.

TrixieJess · April 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Funny story... For the longest time, I thought DD meant "drunken drama." Silly me, there's my blonde showing.

I like this...we could use this for some of the replies we get back.

madamerwin · April 2016

Really disappointed in the lack of replies from OP. I was really hoping she would come back and tell everyone they were bullies and that she feels bad for our husbands. No ragrets here.