What would you do??

MairePoppy · May 2016

tigerlily6 said:

OP, are your parents around and aware of any of this? I know you and your brother are full grown adults and it's really between you two (or three, as FSIL sounds like she should be involved as your are her bridesmaid, presumably). But as an older sister myself, I think if one of my brothers ever treated me this way when I had a young nursing infant, he'd have more than just an annoyed big sister to deal with. Pretty sure our mom and dad would rip him a new one and tell him to at least let me bring the baby. Pissing off your older sister is one thing, and maybe he doesn't care about that. But he may be getting side-eyed badly by your family in general over this.

Oooh, that's sneaky. Usually I wouldn't condone getting parents involved in dispute between adult siblings, but damn, your brother is acting like an inconsiderate ass. I'd tell him it's not possible to attend the wedding without your breast feeding baby. Then I'd call mom and dad to tell them you'll bring the baby to visit another time. I'm sure they'll let brother know how disappointed they are.

CMGragain · May 2016

MyNameIsNot said:

CMGragain said:

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

Where do you get this? Just pure sexism?

There's nothing in the post that suggests that the brother isn't an equal partner.

This! "Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. "
You don't really think her brother is the one involved in deciding this, do you? He is not directly involved. There is no communication from the bride. Why not?

Knottie1462257109 · May 2016

My parents are aware of the situation! My dad doesn't want to get it involved. My mother ripped him a new ass and is so pissed about the whole ordeal. My mom told him he was ridiculous for expecting me to leave the baby with strangers.

His reply was something to the effect of being appreciative of the accomodations being made, but blah blah blah same story about no kids because they could ruin the ceremony with crying, steal the scene at the reception, if my kid comes it's not fair to everyone else who wasn't able to bring their child...

It's all very ridiculous. If I don't use my ticket I lose it. It's with crappy spirit airlines. Maybe when he looks around and doesn't see me there for a majority of the evening it'll sink in that he's been an unreasonable dick. If not, I'm solid in the fact that I did everything I could. You can bet your ass though I'll be feeding the baby for WP pics and announcements at the reception. That ought to raise a few eyebrows. Heaven help him if he says one word about it...

Seriously though, thanks for to all for your advice!! Maybe I should copy the link to this thread and send it to him

LondonLisa · May 2016

CMGragain said:

MyNameIsNot said:

CMGragain said:

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

Where do you get this? Just pure sexism?

There's nothing in the post that suggests that the brother isn't an equal partner.

This! "Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. "
You don't really think her brother is the one involved in deciding this, do you? He is not directly involved. There is no communication from the bride. Why not?

Why can't brother be making these decisions?

OP, they are allowed to have adults-only but you are allowed to decline for that reason. I'd just say "logistically, I can't leave a nursing baby. I have tried several solutions and they just won't work. So unfortunately I need to decline."

Look, I know he is your brother, but he clearly doesn't care about your feelings and enjoyment of the day, why are you so concerned with declining?

zitiqueen · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

My parents are aware of the situation! My dad doesn't want to get it involved. My mother ripped him a new ass and is so pissed about the whole ordeal. My mom told him he was ridiculous for expecting me to leave the baby with strangers.

His reply was something to the effect of being appreciative of the accomodations being made, but blah blah blah same story about no kids because they could ruin the ceremony with crying, steal the scene at the reception, if my kid comes it's not fair to everyone else who wasn't able to bring their child...

It's all very ridiculous. If I don't use my ticket I lose it. It's with crappy spirit airlines. Maybe when he looks around and doesn't see me there for a majority of the evening it'll sink in that he's been an unreasonable dick. If not, I'm solid in the fact that I did everything I could. You can bet your ass though I'll be feeding the baby for WP pics and announcements at the reception. That ought to raise a few eyebrows. Heaven help him if he says one word about it...

Seriously though, thanks for to all for your advice!! Maybe I should copy the link to this thread and send it to him

Another option, since you're insisting on allowing him to treat you this way, would be to drop out of the wedding party now, attend the wedding with your child, and skip the reception all together.

In any event, remember that since you are going, you lose the right to complain about his treatment of you ever again because you are the one allowing this treatment.

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

zitiqueen said:
Another option, since you're insisting on allowing him to treat you this way, would be to drop out of the wedding party now, attend the wedding with your child, and skip the reception all together.

In any event, remember that since you are going, you lose the right to complain about his treatment of you ever again because you are the one allowing this treatment.

QFT - people can only treat you poorly if you allow it. I cannot believe you are willing to kowtow to his ridiculous demands and think "you'll show him" when you're not around for photos. He's already fine with your H and other kids not coming and angering your mom. You are clearly not as important to his vision as you think you are.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

CMGragain said:

MyNameIsNot said:

CMGragain said:

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

Where do you get this? Just pure sexism?

There's nothing in the post that suggests that the brother isn't an equal partner.

This! "Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. "
You don't really think her brother is the one involved in deciding this, do you? He is not directly involved. There is no communication from the bride. Why not?

Where do you get that he is not directly involved? He's the one telling her all this!

I don't really think her brother is involved in deciding who is invited to his own wedding? Of course I do! Having a penis does not prevent one from making a guest list.

Why is there no communication from the bride? Because blood talks to blood. OP barely even knows the bride.

flantastic · May 2016

Tell him his reply is bullshit.

Seriously, whether your child is invited has no bearing on whether other children are invited. It's amazing how many people don't get that (or pretend they don't). And if he's worried about the scene being stolen by a baby, he's just an attention whore. If they manage to become legally married, yet their ceremony was truly "ruined" by a baby crying, their marriage is apparently worth shit (hint: the marriage is what you get out of the ceremony - if that happens, success!)

You can tell him that, which is what I'd do, because I like people to know exactly how they're being an ass to me. It's possible, albeit unlikely, that he'd reconsider after hearing it if he's just managed to convince himself that these stupid things are "unfortunate necessities?" However, you don't have to tell him that. He's made his own shitty priorities clear with his bullshit excuses. But if you don't decline, you are allowing him to get away with being a huge dick. Others are right that you can't complain after the fact if you allow it.

downtondiva · May 2016

Not being there for the pictures will not "show" your brother anything. He will only accuse you of ruining the pictures and being spiteful. If you think that will get him to see the error of his ways and apologize, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

As others have said, if you still choose to go to this wedding, you really can't complain about the situation ever again. The answer will be that you still attended. We can't make this decision for you, but just remember that your last chance to stand up for yourself is going to be before the wedding, not after.

tigerlily6 · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

My parents are aware of the situation! My dad doesn't want to get it involved. My mother ripped him a new ass and is so pissed about the whole ordeal. My mom told him he was ridiculous for expecting me to leave the baby with strangers.

His reply was something to the effect of being appreciative of the accomodations being made, but blah blah blah same story about no kids because they could ruin the ceremony with crying, steal the scene at the reception, if my kid comes it's not fair to everyone else who wasn't able to bring their child...

It's all very ridiculous. If I don't use my ticket I lose it. It's with crappy spirit airlines. Maybe when he looks around and doesn't see me there for a majority of the evening it'll sink in that he's been an unreasonable dick. If not, I'm solid in the fact that I did everything I could. You can bet your ass though I'll be feeding the baby for WP pics and announcements at the reception. That ought to raise a few eyebrows. Heaven help him if he says one word about it...

Seriously though, thanks for to all for your advice!! Maybe I should copy the link to this thread and send it to him

He apparently shouldn't be allowed at his own wedding, because it sounds like he's being the biggest baby of all.

I know it sucks that you have this plane ticket and you can't refund it. But the way I see it is that even if you go, you're can basically say goodbye to that money (a) for "nothing", but get to stay home with your whole family, know your baby is well-cared for, and hopefully get some sense of a lesson drilled into your brother's thick skull, or (b) for an ordeal in which you'll be stressing all weekend about juggling the roles of bridesmaid or mom, and not feeling adequate at either one. And lose any chance of teaching your brother a lesson.

Sometimes money gets flushed down the drain, and that is never fun. But in this situation, I'd seriously just call it a wash and stay home. I would be incredibly insulted by my brother if he did this, even after our own family has also called him out on it. And not only insulted on behalf of myself, which I can sometimes handle and suck it up over. But angry and insulted on behalf of my nearest and dearest, and I have zero tolerance when that happens.
(1) Your brother's inflexibility is resulting in you not being able to attend with your own husband -- the person YOU love and married. If they can't honor your marriage, then why the hell should you honor theirs. Sorry, not sorry.
(2) It sounds like he and his FI were only ever interested in your children as props for their big day. Your kids are not props. They are people. And to ask for two kids to participate but the others not to attend (breaking up a family) is RUDE. Way to be a total dick uncle.
(3) And now he won't even let you keep your newborn around so you can care for her. This is not a matter of you breaking rules by bringing a child to the wedding. This is a matter of him being completely selfish, and wanting to just use YOU as a prop. Don't let him. He is being a pis-poor host. Anybody who would side eye you for having to have a breastfed baby around would probably (and should) be side-eyed themselves. Most guests aren't going to care. I have been to "no kid" weddings before where a bridesmaid was a nursing mom, and had her infant. Everybody understood. He's trying to shift the blame to the other guests' feelings about you bringing a baby, but it is all him and/or his FI.

Seriously, let them panic last minute when they realize the're short a bridesmaid -- if you go they won't get the picture at all. Maybe FSIL will finally call you when you don't show up to the rehearsal and she's distraught at the concern of their "vision" being ruined.

ETF grammar

OliveOilsMom · May 2016

Attend the the ceremony as planned, then just show up with the baby at the reception. What are they going to do? Kick you out? If they ask, just say "I didn't want to miss anymore of the reception having to go back and forth for feeding the baby."

MandTFebruary62011 · May 2016

It sounds like you've decided you're going and that is set in your mind. It's time to talk to your brother and tell him that it is unreasonable to tell you you must drive multiple times between the wedding and the childcare because your infant will have to eat and that has to be with you. If this were my family I would let them know that I have considered not coming but realize I would not be happy with that. I would tell him that the position he has put me in is making me want to act in a spiteful way and I don't like it. He may not have children but this is not a time when you can be separate from a 4 month old and as such you will be there for the wedding and so will your infant. I'd even go so far as to say if anyone has a problem with it they can talk to me. He needs to know how you feel and he needs to know before.
I was in a wedding last year and a lot of what the bride did was disrespectful of me and my relationship. I didn't say anything because at the time I knew it felt icky, but I didn't realize how rude it really was. It's over now and I put up with it but it definitely affects how I view/think of her which is really shitty because I have now let this put negative feelings into our relationship which could have been avoided if I had just told her it was unreasonable to expect my fiance was going to drive up separate from me and force us to get a hotel while everyone else could stay at the house and so on and so on... Say it now or you will regret it and be unhappy with how your relationship is affected.

bleve0821 · May 2016

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't go. At all, and regardless of the money I had already spent to go. If my brother ever treated me like this, I wouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate him. I'd stay home, eat the plane ticket (fuck Spirit), sell the dress, have a lovely weekend with my family, and send him a generic congratulatory card with a picture of his nieces and nephews. Sorry, not sorry.

Your relationship with him has already been negatively impacted, and so has your relationship with his future wife. If you don't do something about it now, they're going to continue to treat you and your family like second-class citizens.

You're a far better person than I am to still be considering attending the wedding and making these kinds of concessions for your brother, but at some point, enough has to be enough. His wedding does not now, nor will it ever, trump your responsibilities as a wife and a mother.

Jen4948 · May 2016

CMGragain said:

MyNameIsNot said:

CMGragain said:

"Hello, brother, dear. I am sorry, but I won't be able to attend your wedding, since I am nursing the baby. Please have a happy day, and I wish you both joy and happiness."
Keep in mind that these restrictions are probably coming from the bride-to-be, not your brother. Now let him carry the football.

Where do you get this? Just pure sexism?

There's nothing in the post that suggests that the brother isn't an equal partner.

This! "Any info has come via my brother. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I received an invitation to the shower, in the mail. I only knew the bridesmaids were doing a weekend away because I asked my brother. "
You don't really think her brother is the one involved in deciding this, do you? He is not directly involved. There is no communication from the bride. Why not?

Because we always tell each other to communicate with our own families and let our FIs communicate with theirs.

Sorry not sorry, but in this situation, the groom is the one responsible for the communication. He may even be the one responsible for the policy. The presence of a vagina does not make the bride responsible for every wedding decision, and the presence of a penis does not absolve the groom from responsibility for every wedding decision - good or bad.

banana468 · May 2016

I'm going to echo the others that if this is falling on deaf ears you're better off making a trip to the wedding location with your daughter and not attending the wedding itself.

But once you agree to be in the wedding and you agreed to leave your child, you have no one but yourself to blame for being absent and running around for half the afternoon. You can choose to stand up and say, "I'm sorry but your'e creating a logistical nightmare for me and this makes no sense." Your alternative only starts to turn you into a bit of a drama llama for the reception.

That doesn't mean that your brother is doing the right thing. I think he's being very short-sighted and completely lacks an understanding of what it means to have children. But you're now going to run around to take care of your child to give your brother what he wants. Is it worth it??

Like I said above, he'd get one last chance from me and if he still turned me down I wouldn't go.

Heffalump · May 2016

Knottie1462257109 said:

My parents are aware of the situation! My dad doesn't want to get it involved. My mother ripped him a new ass and is so pissed about the whole ordeal. My mom told him he was ridiculous for expecting me to leave the baby with strangers.

His reply was something to the effect of being appreciative of the accomodations being made, but blah blah blah same story about no kids because they could ruin the ceremony with crying, steal the scene at the reception, if my kid comes it's not fair to everyone else who wasn't able to bring their child...

It's all very ridiculous. If I don't use my ticket I lose it. It's with crappy spirit airlines. Maybe when he looks around and doesn't see me there for a majority of the evening it'll sink in that he's been an unreasonable dick. If not, I'm solid in the fact that I did everything I could. You can bet your ass though I'll be feeding the baby for WP pics and announcements at the reception. That ought to raise a few eyebrows. Heaven help him if he says one word about it...

Seriously though, thanks for to all for your advice!! Maybe I should copy the link to this thread and send it to him

Loss aversion and the sunk cost fallacy

tl;dr: "In the above example involving a non-refundable movie ticket, many people, for example, would feel obliged to go to the movie despite not really wanting to, because doing otherwise would be wasting the ticket price; they feel they've passed the point of no return. This is sometimes referred to as the sunk cost fallacy."

OP, you've already spent that money one way or the other, so take it out of your decision-making process. It's already gone, regardless.

TBH, I would have a very frank conversation with my younger brother if he pulled this crap with me. I wouldn't go crazy, but I would very clearly say "This is why this a problem for me, here are possible solutions and one of them involves me not attending your wedding--not out of spite, but out of necessity. Your move." And then based on his answer, you know where you and your family stand with him, and can decide from there.

I don't know how a kid would even begin to steal the scene at the reception. Grab the mic and give a borderline-lewd toast and close by singing Sinatra (badly) off-key? Better not invite Uncle Mike to the reception, then. At least misbehaving kids can be put in timeout if they act up...

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

I don't know how a kid would even begin to steal the scene at the reception. Grab the mic and give a borderline-lewd toast and close by singing Sinatra (badly) off-key? Better not invite Uncle Mike to the reception, then. At least misbehaving kids can be put in timeout if they act up...

^^^^Sounds like there's a story in there, @Heffalump. Care to share?

Tyvm · May 2016

Alternatively, why not just show up with nursing baby in tow? Other than the fact you're not supposed to...screw it.

pinupbride6189 · May 2016

Tyvm said:

Alternatively, why not just show up with nursing baby in tow? Other than the fact you're not supposed to...screw it.

Yeah, just walk down the aisle with a baby instead of a bouquet, then stand there and feed through the vows.

ernursej · May 2016

I don't agree that OP should show up with an uninvited guest (even if that someone is a baby). This just reads like a potentially disastrous situation where people may get upset. Do one of three things 1) have a conversation ahead of time highlighting the issues (which I would highly recommend) 2) Go to the wedding and figure out some sort of way to make it work with baby not going to the wedding 3) Don't go because it is not going to work with your situation.

I fully believe in Adult Only weddings, but I do think there are always extenuating circumstances. Bad situations most always stem from poor communication and I would hate for this to become a worse situation.

drglitter · May 2016

I agree that your brother's being a dick and I'd just stay home with my husband and kids, even if it meant eating the cost of a plane ticket. But, if I felt obligated to attend, which it sounds like you do, I'd peace out about 5 seconds after the ceremony and skip the reception entirely. Your duties as a "bridesmaid" end once the ceremony is over, and definitely don't include multiple trips back and forth.

MyNameIsNot · May 2016

AtomicBlonde said:

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't go. At all, and regardless of the money I had already spent to go. If my brother ever treated me like this, I wouldn't be bending over backwards to accommodate him. I'd stay home, eat the plane ticket (fuck Spirit), sell the dress, have a lovely weekend with my family, and send him a generic congratulatory card with a picture of his nieces and nephews. Sorry, not sorry.

Your relationship with him has already been negatively impacted, and so has your relationship with his future wife. If you don't do something about it now, they're going to continue to treat you and your family like second-class citizens.

You're a far better person than I am to still be considering attending the wedding and making these kinds of concessions for your brother, but at some point, enough has to be enough. His wedding does not now, nor will it ever, trump your responsibilities as a wife and a mother.

I agree, except the bolded. (And I realize is just a figure of speech, but OP is missing this.) Being a doormat does not make one a better person.

Letting someone treat you badly just means you are ok with being treated badly. You don't get points for dealing with it.

Tyvm · May 2016

Your duties as a "bridesmaid" end once the ceremony is over, and definitely don't include multiple trips back and forth.

@drglitter Yes. 100%. As a bridesmaid, you're only required to show up in the requisite dress for the ceremony.

MesmrEwe · May 2016

So it's clear your brother has ZERO - ZILCH - NADA understanding of what it means to BF and it's not as easy as saying "give them a bottle" if they're latching and you've been unable to find a way for them to take a bottle/sippy yet (I do know some babies who won't eat anything the entire day of daycare - the refusal of a bottle is that strong!)..

Have a talk to state your position with your brother - this isn't a convenience decline, it's a "This is the real world sunshine" decline and accept their decision. Assume the money for the plane ticket is gone, if you don't go, you won't have the hotel and other travel expenses, by comparison the plane ticket is cheap. But, it's their choice to not have children attend, including yours. Does it hurt for someone you love to reject you/your 4mo, absolutely, but it's about necessity here and respecting their boundaries as well. Who knows, maybe he can hook up a live-stream so you don't miss it.

katsandtatts · May 2016

I'm a little late to this post and I didn't really read everything, but I'm going to throw in my two cents anyway!!

We are having an adults-only wedding (we're not doing the whole bring your kids to the ceremony but not the reception because that's just a pain and can get confusing). I have a ton of cousins that all have kids that range from 4-14 and they are all totally fine with this. However, my fiance's two half-sisters live in South Carolina, which is like 1600KMs away. One has two kids that are around 12 & 14 and the other is due to have a baby this November. We have never even had the adults-only discussion with them because their kids will be invited.

These kids are welcome because:

They're his nieces and nephews which is more direct relation than the kids in my family which are only second cousins
Two are practically teenagers so they're not like little hellion 3 year olds running around and the other will be about 9 months old, therefore dependant on its mother and also not a hellion
They're travelling from another country to celebrate with us! I would NEVER expect them to leave their kids with family in SC or come all this way to leave their kids with some random babysitter they don't even know up here

It's kind of just the way it is and your brother needs to realize that. It's not his day (or the bride's), it's a day to celebrate your marriage together with family. Unfortunately, it's kind of an all-or-nothing thing when it comes to family. Sure, I'm not stoked about my super weird uncle being there but you can't pick and choose your family members!

Knottie1462257109 · June 2016

Thanks all. I thought I'd write a quick update and let you know how it turned out. I ended up needing to go home anyway. My grandmother passed away the Monday before my brother's wedding, so my being in town was a given. I let my brother know that I would be there for the ceremony and I would be heading back to the hotel after WP pics. I told him I Ioved him and that I had made every accomodation I could. He pulled me aside before rehearsal dinner and told me to just bring the baby to the reception. He apologized for being a prick and that he understood I was a mom first and foremost and the baby and I were a package due to his age. In the end he wanted me there to celebrate with him more than sticking to his original plan. The baby was perfect in every way that day. A few of the other guests, not so much

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

I'm so sorry about your grandma, but I am happy that your brother came around.

levioosa · June 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I'm glad your brother realized that your presence was more important than "no kids."

downtondiva · June 2016

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. But I'm glad your brother came around and apologized to you. That is a rather nice surprise.

MairePoppy · June 2016

I'm sorry for your loss, Knottie#s I'm glad your brother came to his senses. I was wondering how everything turned out for you. Thank you for the update.

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