Odd Questions/Venting/Regrets LONG

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

I would have posted on the 40 and up board (I'm 37) but it seems fairly dead. If any of you are say mid 30s and up and it's your first wedding, do you do the whole "princess" thing? I want to have a wedding I will remember but looking at numerous photos of the couple getting ready for their wedding along with up close pictures of their shoes, and staring at things like invitations, floral arrangements, and several white dresses which look the same doesn't appeal to me along with planning to wait a long time to get married. Probably has to do with my age though. I'm 37 and my fiance is 40 and both of us want kids since we do not have any. Most likely will just be 1 though again due to our age. I kind of feel I shouldn't have put things like travel and career first because I missed out on being a young mom (for me the ideal age to have had kids would have been late 20s).

With our wedding, we are just planning a small destination wedding in Hawaii. At first we both planned to just elope with no family or friends there but we decided not to do it because our parents would really want to be with us. We figured we were going to honeymoon there anyway and loved some of the ceremony and reception sites that seemed fun, beautiful, and low key. His family is cool with it, but some of my relatives are angry because it's not a local wedding and they felt it should have been. I mean I know my parents will go but my grandmother probably won't go (too long of a flight for her) and neither will my uncle (refuses to fly). Did a destination wedding make family members of yours angry if you planned a destination wedding? My mother even went so far as saying she would pay for the wedding and honeymoon if she was the one who called the shots on the wedding location and involved her in the plans. I gave a polite no thanks and my fiance and I are the ones footing the whole wedding.

Also and this is probably the most uncomfortable question for me to ask, but do any of you (or your spouse) have no to little friends? My fiance is a "man's man" and has several friends. I only have 3 friends and I think 1 will probably go (the other live in NY while we live in CA). I figure this wedding would only have my mom, dad, brother, sister in law, 1 friend and her husband, and the rest would all by my fiance's family and friends (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, 2 sisters, 2 brother in laws, and probably 5 friends with 5 dates). I anticipate this wedding to have between 20-30 people including the 2 of us. It just seems so unbalanced.

Lastly we were thinking of doing our wedding like this but I'm afraid our guests would feel like they were maybe cheated financially (I may be overthinking this).... Ceremony and reception would be at the same location on the grounds of our favorite hotel in Hawaii. We figured we would get married on the hotel's grounds which face the beach and are only 10 feet away (hard to explain) and then give our family and friends a reception at the luau that the hotel has which costs (all taxes and tips included) just under $100 a person which includes a really good buffet (I attended a few years ago and the food is great!)and up to 3 alcoholic drinks (I think that's plenty lol.... We don't have a single guest under 35). We do have an option of making the reception private with basically a smaller buffet, maybe a 2 hour open bar, and our own music. I feel like we may look like we are "short changing" our guests either way.... If we do the luau which is available to any one staying at the hotel or the public really, our guests may feel like this was something that they could have just done themselves. If we do a private reception it would just feel like a fun dinner. I couldn't imagine a private reception being more than 3 hours due to it being an older crowd that is smaller. We would have music and do a first dance, but I know our crowd really won't dance so we figured to have someone just play vacation music. I'm just afraid our family and other guests may plan a 5-7 day trip, only to feel like the wedding did not feel like a wedding. What would you prefer if you were a guest at my wedding? Lastly (maybe we are freaks lol) we figured with a photographer either way, we would just have some pictures taken during the ceremony and some group wedding shots taken during the reception. Like I mentioned early, we don't need pictures of me getting my hair done wearing a shirt that says "bride" and him drinking with his friends.

Viczaesar · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

I would have posted on the 40 and up board (I'm 37) but it seems fairly dead. If any of you are say mid 30s and up and it's your first wedding, do you do the whole "princess" thing? I want to have a wedding I will remember but looking at numerous photos of the couple getting ready for their wedding along with up close pictures of their shoes, and staring at things like invitations, floral arrangements, and several white dresses which look the same doesn't appeal to me along with planning to wait a long time to get married. Probably has to do with my age though. I'm 37 and my fiance is 40 and both of us want kids since we do not have any. Most likely will just be 1 though again due to our age. I kind of feel I shouldn't have put things like travel and career first because I missed out on being a young mom (for me the ideal age to have had kids would have been late 20s).

With our wedding, we are just planning a small destination wedding in Hawaii. At first we both planned to just elope with no family or friends there but we decided not to do it because our parents would really want to be with us. We figured we were going to honeymoon there anyway and loved some of the ceremony and reception sites that seemed fun, beautiful, and low key. His family is cool with it, but some of my relatives are angry because it's not a local wedding and they felt it should have been. I mean I know my parents will go but my grandmother probably won't go (too long of a flight for her) and neither will my uncle (refuses to fly). Did a destination wedding make family members of yours angry if you planned a destination wedding? My mother even went so far as saying she would pay for the wedding and honeymoon if she was the one who called the shots on the wedding location and involved her in the plans. I gave a polite no thanks and my fiance and I are the ones footing the whole wedding.

Also and this is probably the most uncomfortable question for me to ask, but do any of you (or your spouse) have no to little friends? My fiance is a "man's man" and has several friends. I only have 3 friends and I think 1 will probably go (the other live in NY while we live in CA). I figure this wedding would only have my mom, dad, brother, sister in law, 1 friend and her husband, and the rest would all by my fiance's family and friends (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, 2 sisters, 2 brother in laws, and probably 5 friends with 5 dates). I anticipate this wedding to have between 20-30 people including the 2 of us. It just seems so unbalanced.

Lastly we were thinking of doing our wedding like this but I'm afraid our guests would feel like they were maybe cheated financially (I may be overthinking this).... Ceremony and reception would be at the same location on the grounds of our favorite hotel in Hawaii. We figured we would get married on the hotel's grounds which face the beach and are only 10 feet away (hard to explain) and then give our family and friends a reception at the luau that the hotel has which costs (all taxes and tips included) just under $100 a person which includes a really good buffet (I attended a few years ago and the food is great!)and up to 3 alcoholic drinks (I think that's plenty lol.... We don't have a single guest under 35). We do have an option of making the reception private with basically a smaller buffet, maybe a 2 hour open bar, and our own music. I feel like we may look like we are "short changing" our guests either way.... If we do the luau which is available to any one staying at the hotel or the public really, our guests may feel like this was something that they could have just done themselves. If we do a private reception it would just feel like a fun dinner. I couldn't imagine a private reception being more than 3 hours due to it being an older crowd that is smaller. We would have music and do a first dance, but I know our crowd really won't dance so we figured to have someone just play vacation music. I'm just afraid our family and other guests may plan a 5-7 day trip, only to feel like the wedding did not feel like a wedding. What would you prefer if you were a guest at my wedding? Lastly (maybe we are freaks lol) we figured with a photographer either way, we would just have some pictures taken during the ceremony and some group wedding shots taken during the reception. Like I mentioned early, we don't need pictures of me getting my hair done wearing a shirt that says "bride" and him drinking with his friends.

Either public luau or private reception is fine as long as you are hosting (and paying) completely. It's not appropriate to have a drink limit - host everyone the same for the entire reception. If that means that you pay for any additional alcohol consumed over and above the 3 drinks that's fine, but you can't say "You only get 3 drinks, make it count."

levioosa · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

I would have posted on the 40 and up board (I'm 37) but it seems fairly dead. If any of you are say mid 30s and up and it's your first wedding, do you do the whole "princess" thing? I want to have a wedding I will remember but looking at numerous photos of the couple getting ready for their wedding along with up close pictures of their shoes, and staring at things like invitations, floral arrangements, and several white dresses which look the same doesn't appeal to me along with planning to wait a long time to get married. Probably has to do with my age though. I'm 37 and my fiance is 40 and both of us want kids since we do not have any. Most likely will just be 1 though again due to our age. I kind of feel I shouldn't have put things like travel and career first because I missed out on being a young mom (for me the ideal age to have had kids would have been late 20s).

With our wedding, we are just planning a small destination wedding in Hawaii. At first we both planned to just elope with no family or friends there but we decided not to do it because our parents would really want to be with us. We figured we were going to honeymoon there anyway and loved some of the ceremony and reception sites that seemed fun, beautiful, and low key. His family is cool with it, but some of my relatives are angry because it's not a local wedding and they felt it should have been. I mean I know my parents will go but my grandmother probably won't go (too long of a flight for her) and neither will my uncle (refuses to fly). Did a destination wedding make family members of yours angry if you planned a destination wedding? My mother even went so far as saying she would pay for the wedding and honeymoon if she was the one who called the shots on the wedding location and involved her in the plans. I gave a polite no thanks and my fiance and I are the ones footing the whole wedding.

Also and this is probably the most uncomfortable question for me to ask, but do any of you (or your spouse) have no to little friends? My fiance is a "man's man" and has several friends. I only have 3 friends and I think 1 will probably go (the other live in NY while we live in CA). I figure this wedding would only have my mom, dad, brother, sister in law, 1 friend and her husband, and the rest would all by my fiance's family and friends (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, 2 sisters, 2 brother in laws, and probably 5 friends with 5 dates). I anticipate this wedding to have between 20-30 people including the 2 of us. It just seems so unbalanced.

Lastly we were thinking of doing our wedding like this but I'm afraid our guests would feel like they were maybe cheated financially (I may be overthinking this).... Ceremony and reception would be at the same location on the grounds of our favorite hotel in Hawaii. We figured we would get married on the hotel's grounds which face the beach and are only 10 feet away (hard to explain) and then give our family and friends a reception at the luau that the hotel has which costs (all taxes and tips included) just under $100 a person which includes a really good buffet (I attended a few years ago and the food is great!)and up to 3 alcoholic drinks (I think that's plenty lol.... We don't have a single guest under 35). We do have an option of making the reception private with basically a smaller buffet, maybe a 2 hour open bar, and our own music. I feel like we may look like we are "short changing" our guests either way.... If we do the luau which is available to any one staying at the hotel or the public really, our guests may feel like this was something that they could have just done themselves. If we do a private reception it would just feel like a fun dinner. I couldn't imagine a private reception being more than 3 hours due to it being an older crowd that is smaller. We would have music and do a first dance, but I know our crowd really won't dance so we figured to have someone just play vacation music. I'm just afraid our family and other guests may plan a 5-7 day trip, only to feel like the wedding did not feel like a wedding. What would you prefer if you were a guest at my wedding? Lastly (maybe we are freaks lol) we figured with a photographer either way, we would just have some pictures taken during the ceremony and some group wedding shots taken during the reception. Like I mentioned early, we don't need pictures of me getting my hair done wearing a shirt that says "bride" and him drinking with his friends.

So, there are a few things going on here.

1. The princess thing is just a false image given to brides by the monster that is the wedding industry. It is fine to have a smaller scale event in mind. And frankly, I side-eye brides who demand a day of being a princess. That's not the focus of the day. Marriage is the focus of the day. I'm not saying having a large event is bad, but it is bad when you put your vision over your guests' comfort. Because the second you invite people to the wedding, the day ceases to be about you, and becomes about hosting well. You were going to elope originally, which means you could have done whatever you wanted, but now you are inviting family and friends. But more on that later.

2. It is perfectly fine to have a destination wedding, but you have to realize that to some degree, it is selfish. It means you are dictating a very large part of your guests' time and financial resources. Your family is angry because that is a very long way, and Hawaii isn't exactly known for being cheap. Did you check with your VIPs before setting the date and location? If you did, and they are okay with it, then you are in the clear. Other family members/friends can choose to attend or not attend. In that same vein, you need to realize that because it is so far, people may not attend. You cannot get upset if that happens, because you have made the choice to place your vision above convenience. Once again, you are in the clear as long as you have checked with your VIPs first, and as long as you properly the host the people who did come.

3. If you ask people to spend literally thousands of dollars traveling to your wedding and to spend their precious vacation time, the absolute least you can do is to provide a full reception. The reception is a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony. This is a destination wedding, so really this means a full meal, and unlimited drinks, whether alcoholic or non-alcoholic. Limiting your guests to three drinks each after they have traveled so far is not only super cheap on your part, but tacky and super rude. It doesn't matter if your crowd is older or younger, don't anticipate or dictate how they drink. A dry wedding is also a perfectly acceptable alternative (although if you and your crowd are drinkers, I really would host alcohol for a destination wedding). But absolutely no cash bar or drink ticket situation. I don't know how I feel about a luau after the wedding. If it is a quieter crowd, like you say, then I would keep it to an intimate reception dinner. Luaus are much more "party tourist vibe (depending on the venue)," and I think your guests can plan that on their own time if they so desire. You don't have to have spot light dances or cake cutting, or a bouquet toss. Those have no bearing on guest comfort, and so can be forgone.

You also need to have a contingency plan for the ceremony if it rains (which happens all the time, unexpectedly, in Hawaii). What will you do? You cannot ask your guests to stand (there needs to be a seat for every butt regardless of the time of the ceremony), and you cannot ask them to watch your ceremony in the rain.

4. Don't overthink the friends thing. I don't have a ton of friends, but I am close to the ones I do have, and I do have more friends than SO. SO doesn't really have any close friends at all. But that doesn't mean social events are awkward. It's not about who is there for each side. It's about everyone coming together to celebrate the unity of your marriage. Focus on that aspect, and on hosting your friends and family well, and everything else will fall into place.

levioosa · June 2016

Oh, and I wanted to add, don't feel guilty for doing things for you when you were younger. You don't have to choose between being successful and having a family. Thirty-seven is not too old to have kids, so don't feel discouraged. I wanted to have children as well by the time I was 30, but life doesn't go to plan, and now I'm looking at probably late 30s as well. It's okay. That's life. You have time.

Heffalump · June 2016

I agree with everything @levioosa said re: your wedding plans. And re: the kids, I had my first a couple of weeks before I turned 34 and my second when I was 38 (I was classified as "geriatric pregnancy" for that one--good times!) and it's been fine. There are trade-offs to everything, and one of the nice things about being older is that DH and I are more established in our careers so we have a little more flexibility than when we were just starting out. (The additional $$$ comes in handy when you're raising kids, too!)

I think if you're fine with the DW having a relatively small number of attendees and you host everyone properly (i.e. no drink limits) and you're footing the bill, then you're good.

Also, I know correlation =/= causation, but the two most princessy me-me-me weddings I ever attended were over before their two year anniversary. So obviously that's not the secret to success.

ETA: redid the math and I was 37 when I got pregnant with DS and 38 when he was born, not that it makes much difference.

laurad75 · June 2016

I agree with PPs. I am about to turn 41 and just got married last month (H is 40, first marriage for both of us). My priorities were that we got married and that we hosted a great party for our friends and family.

I had some of the same concerns when I first starting planning - I'm 40 so should the wedding be smaller, should I not have BMs, should my dress be more conservative. I figured out quickly (thanks knotties) that not of that matters. We invited the people we wanted to share the day with, I asked my three closest girl friends to be my 'women of honor' and I wore the dress I felt was right for me. Plan your wedding based on what is important to you and how you feel your guests will enjoy themselves the most.

vikinganna87 · June 2016

Agree with @levioosa.

I'm not entirely sure about your motive for posting and asking advice since it seems like you've already made your mind up about almost everything related to the wedding. Your post strikes me as an explanation of why you're choosing to do things a certain way vs. questioning whether or not you're being accommodating to your friends & family.

scrunchythief · June 2016

I was 24 when I got married and wasn't into most of the princess-y things. I mostly wanted people to eat, drink and dance (apart from getting married!). But, if you're treating your guests well and can afford it, I don't see anything wrong with wanting princess trappings (big poofy dress, carriage, etc.) at any age. One of the sweetest seeming women on say yes to the dress was 40 years old and wanted a princess dress.

I would definitely do a private reception, since it seems like the luau is included in the resort fee. If you choose a destination wedding, I really think you need to raise the bar on the reception. Kind of like a New Year's Eve wedding. You're asking your guests to go more out of their way than a normal wedding (though yes they can just decline the invitation. But most of the time, if they're close to you, they really want to make it work to be there.).

If I were in your shoes, I'd reconsider your mom's offer. Or don't and just have the wedding in CA. Keep it as simple as you like. Then maybe bring your wedding clothes with you to Hawaii. You could reaffirm your vows with just the two of you and maybe hire a photographer for some amazing honeymoon pictures. But you're totally fine to stick the destination wedding if you're set on it. Just my two cents.

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

Okay sorry if this response is formatted weird- trying to address all of you while eating my breakfast!

With the luau it includes 3 drinks on a ticket (it's not us who decided that). Of course if any of our guests drink more we would cover it! I've always thought cash bars were tacky. We know our guests would have spend money on airfare, a hotel, and car rental and some would have had to request time off of work. We don't want them to have to spend any money during the wedding itself. We would cover all the food, drinks, entertainment, and parking. They just would show up and hopefully be well fed, enjoy the drinks, and have a good time.

If we did a private reception, it would just be the same food but on a smaller scale. It would just be quieter. With the exception of my fiance's friends, it's overall a quiet, older crowd. It's financially cheaper for us to do a public luau but the cost is't a factor. We just thought it would create more of a fun, upbeat atmosphere. Since reading some responses here though it seems like the overall feeling is to go with a private reception which gives me some food for thought.

On the date itself, we have not set a date yet but we know with destination you should give guests enough time to book a ticket and hotel as a courtesy. I'm an attorney and my fiance is a dean at a high school. We have pretty set schedules (would have to fall over winter break or summer break). We are leaning towards June or January. The good news is we would be getting married on the dry side of the island (I lived there years ago) and it's rare if it rains.

We really just want our guests who are going to enjoy our wedding. I almost want to ask everyone invited what would their preference be (luau with a more upbeat atmosphere or a quieter private dinner) but I know that's a no no.

Laurad yeah that's pretty much how I intend on doing it. Even if we had a local wedding, I don't really have super close friends so the idea of a best _______ seems silly for me. My fiance doesn't really care either on his side because these guys are just either friends from college or people he is in a softball league with who he watches football with. We really just spend our free time with each other and our dogs.

Viking, I'm not going to try to argue with you.

scrunchythief · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

Okay sorry if this response is formatted weird- trying to address all of you while eating my breakfast!

With the luau it includes 3 drinks on a ticket (it's not us who decided that). Of course if any of our guests drink more we would cover it! I've always thought cash bars were tacky. We know our guests would have spend money on airfare, a hotel, and car rental and some would have had to request time off of work. We don't want them to have to spend any money during the wedding itself. We would cover all the food, drinks, entertainment, and parking. They just would show up and hopefully be well fed, enjoy the drinks, and have a good time.

If we did a private reception, it would just be the same food but on a smaller scale. It would just be quieter. With the exception of my fiance's friends, it's overall a quiet, older crowd. It's financially cheaper for us to do a public luau but the cost is't a factor. We just thought it would create more of a fun, upbeat atmosphere. Since reading some responses here though it seems like the overall feeling is to go with a private reception which gives me some food for thought.

On the date itself, we have not set a date yet but we know with destination you should give guests enough time to book a ticket and hotel as a courtesy. I'm an attorney and my fiance is a dean at a high school. We have pretty set schedules (would have to fall over winter break or summer break). We are leaning towards June or January. The good news is we would be getting married on the dry side of the island (I lived there years ago) and it's rare if it rains.

We really just want our guests who are going to enjoy our wedding. I almost want to ask everyone invited what would their preference be (luau with a more upbeat atmosphere or a quieter private dinner) but I know that's a no no.

Laurad yeah that's pretty much how I intend on doing it. Even if we had a local wedding, I don't really have super close friends so the idea of a best _______ seems silly for me. My fiance doesn't really care either on his side because these guys are just either friends from college or people he is in a softball league with who he watches football with. We really just spend our free time with each other and our dogs.

Viking, I'm not going to try to argue with you.

I might be wrong, but as long as you're not mentioning costs, I don't see a problem with asking some VIPs what they'd enjoy more.

What about kind of both? Have the wedding in the afternoon, have a cocktail reception right after that's private, and then continue on with everyone to the luau?

Thanks for the more info. It's now much clearer that you're concerned about treating your guests well:) (a lot of people who come here aren't)

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

Scrunchy, the luau is not included with the hotel fee. I just meant it's open to the public if they buy a ticket for $90something dollars which includes the entertainment, buffet, and 3 drinks. Sorry if I wasn't clear. We are set on a destination wedding. I know some people we will invite will not show up do to it being costly (though, many people we will invite will still have to buy a plane ticket and get a hotel since they are on the East coast anyway) and others would actually like it because it's a wedding with their family/friends and a vacation too. My mom is really the main one who would be annoyed. My parents are both retired and go on trips a lot (especially cruises). My dad loves the idea of getting married in Hawaii since he's like me, very into diving and tanning! My mom is kind of strange though. She would be willing to spend more $$$ on throwing a wedding in CA versus only spending money on a hotel and airfare to Hawaii (that would cost significantly less than a local wedding). I think though she just likes the idea of being in control and planning everything based on what she wants. I do not want her having any say in my wedding since she doesn't get my taste or style at all. For the dress example, she is really into the princess or ball gown thing. I have a dress I got at Macy's which is clearly not a wedding dress but I would like to wear it on my wedding day. I've looked at dresses online that seem beachy and only found a couple that I cared for. Nothing holds a light though to my $80something dollar dress I got at Macy's!

Is it "socially appropriate" to call up each guest who is confirmed to go and ask them to their preference and go with what the majority says? My fiance and I are wanting the luau but we aren't set on that if the majority wants it more private.

Anyway I was just hoping the 40 and up bride (or even if there was an older bride forum on here) would be more active. Most of the posts on Theknot that I've read are from 20something brides who spend money I things that are either so over the top or way too cookie cutter for me. I knew I wasn't going to be the "normal" bride once I realize most people today take engagement photos. Just seems so me, me, me, aren't I great. I dunno. I'm not into the whole cell phone attached at your side, take a million pictures of yourself, and post what you had for lunch on Facebook thing. Probably why I have few friends lol.

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

Oops one more thing and then I have to go to work. Whether we do a luau or private reception it would start around 5:45. We do like the idea of something else before or after. I think a day after brunch would be nice and we would pay for that. Just haven't looked into the details yet for that.

climbingsingle · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

Scrunchy, the luau is not included with the hotel fee. I just meant it's open to the public if they buy a ticket for $90something dollars which includes the entertainment, buffet, and 3 drinks. Sorry if I wasn't clear. We are set on a destination wedding. I know some people we will invite will not show up do to it being costly (though, many people we will invite will still have to buy a plane ticket and get a hotel since they are on the East coast anyway) and others would actually like it because it's a wedding with their family/friends and a vacation too. My mom is really the main one who would be annoyed. My parents are both retired and go on trips a lot (especially cruises). My dad loves the idea of getting married in Hawaii since he's like me, very into diving and tanning! My mom is kind of strange though. She would be willing to spend more $$$ on throwing a wedding in CA versus only spending money on a hotel and airfare to Hawaii (that would cost significantly less than a local wedding). I think though she just likes the idea of being in control and planning everything based on what she wants. I do not want her having any say in my wedding since she doesn't get my taste or style at all. For the dress example, she is really into the princess or ball gown thing. I have a dress I got at Macy's which is clearly not a wedding dress but I would like to wear it on my wedding day. I've looked at dresses online that seem beachy and only found a couple that I cared for. Nothing holds a light though to my $80something dollar dress I got at Macy's!

Is it "socially appropriate" to call up each guest who is confirmed to go and ask them to their preference and go with what the majority says? My fiance and I are wanting the luau but we aren't set on that if the majority wants it more private.

Anyway I was just hoping the 40 and up bride (or even if there was an older bride forum on here) would be more active. Most of the posts on Theknot that I've read are from 20something brides who spend money I things that are either so over the top or way too cookie cutter for me. I knew I wasn't going to be the "normal" bride once I realize most people today take engagement photos. Just seems so me, me, me, aren't I great. I dunno. I'm not into the whole cell phone attached at your side, take a million pictures of yourself, and post what you had for lunch on Facebook thing. Probably why I have few friends lol.

You are one year older than me. There are many of us here in our 30s and 40s. Not sure why you need specific advice from that age group? You don't need to lump everyone into one group. Many brides in theirs 20s don't give a shit about what you think is "normal".

PamBeesly524 · June 2016

climbingwife said:

Knottie1464374655 said:

Anyway I was just hoping the 40 and up bride (or even if there was an older bride forum on here) would be more active. Most of the posts on Theknot that I've read are from 20something brides who spend money I things that are either so over the top or way too cookie cutter for me. I knew I wasn't going to be the "normal" bride once I realize most people today take engagement photos. Just seems so me, me, me, aren't I great. I dunno. I'm not into the whole cell phone attached at your side, take a million pictures of yourself, and post what you had for lunch on Facebook thing. Probably why I have few friends lol.

You are one year older than me. There are many of us here in our 30s and 40s. Not sure why you need specific advice from that age group? You don't need to lump everyone into one group. Many brides in theirs 20s don't give a shit about what you think is "normal".

uhhh yeah. I'm in my 20s and I didn't spend money on anything I would deem "over the top". But maybe my 26 year old brain is blind to what's considered over the top and what's not. Also I didn't take engagement photos, I wasn't "me me me" i was "we we we", and I didn't have my cell phone the entire night of my wedding - i actually thought I lost it later that night because I hadn't seen it so long.

Please stop trying to lump everyone into groups based on their age - it's insulting.

anidorikiladra · June 2016

PamBeesly524 said:

climbingwife said:

Knottie1464374655 said:

Anyway I was just hoping the 40 and up bride (or even if there was an older bride forum on here) would be more active. Most of the posts on Theknot that I've read are from 20something brides who spend money I things that are either so over the top or way too cookie cutter for me. I knew I wasn't going to be the "normal" bride once I realize most people today take engagement photos. Just seems so me, me, me, aren't I great. I dunno. I'm not into the whole cell phone attached at your side, take a million pictures of yourself, and post what you had for lunch on Facebook thing. Probably why I have few friends lol.

You are one year older than me. There are many of us here in our 30s and 40s. Not sure why you need specific advice from that age group? You don't need to lump everyone into one group. Many brides in theirs 20s don't give a shit about what you think is "normal".

uhhh yeah. I'm in my 20s and I didn't spend money on anything I would deem "over the top". But maybe my 26 year old brain is blind to what's considered over the top and what's not. Also I didn't take engagement photos, I wasn't "me me me" i was "we we we", and I didn't have my cell phone the entire night of my wedding - i actually thought I lost it later that night because I hadn't seen it so long.

Please stop trying to lump everyone into groups based on their age - it's insulting.

Thank you, this is what I was just signing on to say. I am 24, my fiancé and I don't care about most of the crap the wedding industry says you have to get. Please don't assume my generation is all the same. It's incredibly insulting.

For the record, we didn't take engagement photos, we aren't doing "getting ready" photos, and the photographer is only hired for 4 hours. Enough time for some before the ceremony shots, the ceremony, and portraits. We want these photos to look back on, not so someone can be focused on us for hours. Most photo packages come with an engagement shoot included, it's not all about people being self centred.

That said, there is nothing wrong with people wanting all the wedding trappings that have become the trend. As long as guests are treated well, I don't care if the couple does all those extra things.

scrunchythief · June 2016

So yeah, since it sounds more like your mom just wants control, I go back on my advice to take her up on the offer. In your first post you didn't quite sound as set on the destination.

Most people on here will say all you really need for a wedding is you, your spouse, an officiant+license and witnesses. If you invite guests, then host them well. Apart from that, just focus on what's important to you. Music is important to us, so we spent a bit more on ceremony musicians.

Your $80 Macy's dress sounds awesome! Do you have pictures? I'd love to see:) My bridesmaids got their dresses from Macy's business section at $70 (and for real have worn them again). I ended up with a pretty traditional David's bridal dress that I loved, but my original vision was a sapphire color ball gown.

princessleia22 · June 2016

I was 34 and DH was 40 when we married (first wedding for both). I also didn't really want the whole big princess event, but we still wanted a somewhat traditional wedding.

Our families are spread all across the country, so there really wasn't one perfect location. If we married in my home state, we would have probably had more attendance from my extended family, but it would have been more trouble for many of our VIP guests. We ended up choosing to married on a cruise ship in New Orleans. It was a central location that was fairly easy to travel to for guests and had plenty to do if people chose to vacation there a few days. We had the wedding before ship left port, so guests were able to attend without having to go on the cruise.

Before booking anything, we discussed it with our VIP's (parents, siblings, closest friends) to make sure that they would be able to attend. But, we only discussed it with people that were important enough to us that we would have changed plans if they couldn't make it. There were others that we would have liked to attend, but we were okay with it if they couldn't be there. So, if you are okay with grandma (or other guests) not being there, then don't let that stop you from doing what you want. You will never make everyone happy.

For my wedding, I have much larger extended family than DH, but I knew most would be unable to travel. In total, we invited 75 people... about 1/2 being my extended family. DH only has 2 uncles and 2 cousins. As far as friends, DH had 1 friend he really wanted there. I don't really have close friends. My high school best friend is married to my brother, so she was the only one I really wanted there. In the end, we had 25 people attend the wedding. 14 of those were our parents, siblings, nieces & nephews. 2 of my co-workers and their wives attended. DH's best friend attended. Then DH's family filled the remainder. Half our guests were over 60 years old. It was a wonderful, very intimate affair. The ship did provide a full reception. There were a few people that got out and danced, mostly the few kids that were there and the under 40 crowd. But, everyone enjoyed just chatting and getting to spend together. Plus the food & cake were awesome (and all top shelf liquor was included in open bar, so that helped, too). Our reception was only 1.5 hours, which it may have been nice be have been a bit longer as everyone was still enjoying themselves.

We still did the wedding dress and most of the typical wedding stuff, but didn't go crazy with it. I put together my own bouquet. We had DH best friend and my sisters as bridal party, but we told them to find any blue suit/dress they wanted to wear. We didn't do flower toss or any of that. We didn't even really do bachelor or bachelorette parties. We kept it simple and as low stress as possible. And I loved my simple wedding.

I think your options of reception or luau both sound great. Having done a small, low key reception, I think that could be a good option. But, even with a quieter crowd, they would probably have fun and enjoy the luau. Personally, I think I would probably choose the luau, though... it may be more memorable.

levioosa · June 2016

I am in my 20s, and I hate what weddings have become. I've been in so many nightmare weddings now, it's not even funny. Please don't lump people into age groups. It doesn't matter if I'm 27 or 57, the advice I have is solid, and not tied to my age. SO and I have talked about eloping, but I have a bad feeling he is going to spring the desire to have a larger wedding on me. And he is several years older than I am. So gender and age really don't play a role in what people want, or think is normal for a wedding.

CMGragain · June 2016

My daughter was 31 when she was married. She had a traditional church wedding and a buffet brunch reception at a nearby country club. I know several women who had their children starting at age 38 and up.

About your angry relatives, they have no reason to be angry. You have chosen to be married in a place that you love with only close family members. You might have eloped. They are not entitled to an invitation, and you are not required to make your plans for people who are not invited, anyway. Those who are invited can make the choice - accept or decline.

Your plans sound lovely, except for the drink limit. Others have covered this.

For a good laugh, try to find a copy of Cathy Guisewite's The Wedding of Cathy and Irving. The character (like the author in real life) was married in her 40s. She did the whole princess bride thing. Nothing wrong with that at any age if it is what you want. I played the organ at a wedding for a first time bride who was in her 60s. Her white wedding gown looked beautiful with her white hair. She glowed with happiness.

CharmedPam · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

I would have posted on the 40 and up board (I'm 37) but it seems fairly dead. If any of you are say mid 30s and up and it's your first wedding, do you do the whole "princess" thing?

I was 35 when I was engaged and planned our wedding. I'll be 37 when it happens. My answer is yes.

edit - although, I didn't really plan it that way.....kinda just happened. Also - I think your reception (Luau, minus the drink limit) is fine.

badbnagdway · June 2016

OP, it sounds like you are really considering what your guests will enjoy and that is great.

On the friends thing - most people don't have that many friends that are close enough to travel to a DW - don't feel weird about it.

I was 33 last year when I got married and H was 32. I had always looked forward to meeting someone I wanted to spend my life with, but I had never really "dreamed" of my wedding day. We had a pretty conventional wedding but the focus during planning was definitely on considering our guests and spending within our limits. We also skipped some traditions that I didn't care for - no bouquet toss, garter whatever, or giving away of the bride. Also, <gasp>, the sides weren't even in terms of bridesmaids and groomsmen!

WinstonsGirl · June 2016

Hey OP, I pretty much did your wedding. We got married in Hawaii, 40 people plus us and did a private luau instead of a dance. Let me know if you have questions about that.

Check with your VIP's to make sure they can make Hawaii. Everyone else is icing on the cake.

People are travelling, you really need to do a full meal and full bar, which it sounds like you are. Yay!!

Private luau or public, either is fine, though check on the public one, as they usually include dinner as well. Ours was a private show put on through our hotel/coordinator, so the show was for us and our guests. It was fantastic and our guests loved it. I don't think you need to ask them, or maybe only your VIP's. Everyone else can attend what you host.

We also got married 'older-ish' (32 and 41). Let me know if you have any questions on specifics. We went to karaoke after, since we lost amplified music after 9pm. Wedding at 4:00, cocktails at 4:30-ish and dinner about 5:30-6:00, luau show at 8:00 - 8:45, moved down to karaoke about 9:15pm

princessleia22 · June 2016

As far as asking your guests, you don't have to, but if you are that worried about what they would like, I would maybe consult a couple of your VIP's to see if they have a preference. I did a lot of back and forth with my mom, sister, and MIL when making decisions or even just running an idea past them to see what they thought of it.

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

Hi. Just got home. Will read the rest of the responses in a bit. I read the first few. I'm sorry if some of you do not like my observations but I stand by what I said and believe my observations are valid. I will live if you are insulted by my shared observations. Life will go on for me!

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

Hi. Just got home. Will read the rest of the responses in a bit. I read the first few. I'm sorry if some of you do not like my observations but I stand by what I said and believe my observations are valid. I will live if you are insulted by my shared observations. Life will go on for me!

No need to get defensive.

Tyvm · June 2016

Most of the posts on Theknot that I've read are from 20something brides who spend money I things that are either so over the top or way too cookie cutter for me. I knew I wasn't going to be the "normal" bride once I realize most people today take engagement photos. Just seems so me, me, me, aren't I great. I dunno. I'm not into the whole cell phone attached at your side, take a million pictures of yourself, and post what you had for lunch on Facebook thing. Probably why I have few friends lol.

@Knottie1464374655 I hate to tell you, but a destination wedding in Hawaii isn't exactly not-cookie-cutter. You're totally normal and not a speshul snowflake. Welcome to the club.

Knottie1464374655 · June 2016

This is the dress except mine doesn't have that rose looking pattern. I want to look beachy and sexy at my wedding. https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://cdnb.lystit.com/photos/f088-2014/06/13/guess-white-maxi-dress-lace-crochet-maxi-dresses-product-1-20759405-0-434295792-normal.jpeg&imgrefurl=https://www.lyst.com/clothing/guess-maxi-dress-lace-crochet-true-white/&docid=KKKhQZi-8rri5M&tbnid=tUwRJbW0qR65wM:&w=1200&h=1500&ved=0ahUKEwjqgf-f_4zNAhUS3WMKHTBUC70QMwhhKAEwAQ&iact=mrc&uact=8&biw=1242&bih=606

levioosa · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

Hi. Just got home. Will read the rest of the responses in a bit. I read the first few. I'm sorry if some of you do not like my observations but I stand by what I said and believe my observations are valid. I will live if you are insulted by my shared observations. Life will go on for me!

Um, okay? You posted here. You got good advice. People also told you to broaden your horizons, because not every bride is a 25 year old who wants a pretty princess day. You got specific examples of many people in their 20s who want a smaller scale event. But by all means, continue to believe that every 20-something year old is attached to their phone and lives on selfies and frappuccinos with a burning desire for a big blow out wedding event. *eye roll* Everything you are planning on doing is relatively normal. My parents went to a wedding in Hawaii a few years ago that was exactly like the one you are planning.

scrunchythief · June 2016

Knottie1464374655 said:

This is the dress except mine doesn't have that rose looking pattern. I want to look beachy and sexy at my wedding. https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://cdnb.lystit.com/photos/f088-2014/06/13/guess-white-maxi-dress-lace-crochet-maxi-dresses-product-1-20759405-0-434295792-normal.jpeg&imgrefurl=https://www.lyst.com/clothing/guess-maxi-dress-lace-crochet-true-white/&docid=KKKhQZi-8rri5M&tbnid=tUwRJbW0qR65wM:&w=1200&h=1500&ved=0ahUKEwjqgf-f_4zNAhUS3WMKHTBUC70QMwhhKAEwAQ&iact=mrc&uact=8&biw=1242&bih=606

That is so pretty!! And still decently wedding-ish, so I don't know what your mom's upset over. I can definitely see that with a lei or a flower crown. Ooo, or a big hibiscus in your hair. ....I'm gonna go geek out over flowers over here...

ETA: @WinstonsGirl I love that you had karaoke at your wedding. That sounds awesome:)

Tyvm · June 2016

@levioosa Yeah, seriously! What the hell's with insulting 50% of the board's population while asking for help? I guess she was truthful when she admitted "Probably why I have few friends lol. "

WinstonsGirl · June 2016

Oh yes, I forgot to comment on those other things. You got me pre-nap.

I had mostly family there, since my friends are all newly married with young kids, so the cost was much higher for them and many couldn't make it. DH had mostly friends and only his immediate family, as his extended family all lives in Chile. We still all had a great time.

I had a full on wedding dress, not crazy poofy, since it was an A-line, but small train, not a beach wedding dress. Wear whatever you feel beautiful in. DH wore a light linen type suit.

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