Clashing Families..Help!

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

I'm a MOB, and hubs and I are hosting what is shaping up to be a lovely wedding/reception for our only daughter and her FI, whom we love like our own son. So what's the problem with that?

They are very nice people, but live a much simpler, more frugal lifestyle and see things differently.

It seems that the reception we are planning is just too upscale/nice for the other family. Nobody has directly asked them for any money, by the way, but FSIL has asked them how, if at all, they would like to help or be involved. They are willing to contribute, but only if their contribution goes towards things that they approve of.

After touring many venues (in THEIR hometown, not ours, I might add) with the bride, groom and other mother, and comparing prices (all would be within a few hundred dollars bottom line of each other) the bride and groom liked one venue the best because it had the most character.

Now, snide remarks are being made to the groom about that choice and other things as well. Making my daughter out to be a high maintenance bridezilla (she's not, by the way, she just wants everyone to be happy).

They are willing to host a rehearsal dinner, but unwilling to invite the out of town guests. Wedding party only. The groom needs to handle this one, right?

At the moment, my blood is boiling. WHY is is considered acceptable to criticize and make snide remarks about something being too nice, when if it were the other way around and we were criticizing something they planned as not being good enough we would be considered totally snobbish and rude?

Wedding planning is NOT starting off very well

Thoughts or advice, anyone?

holyguacamole79 · August 2016

Knottie1460321313 said:

I'm a MOB, and hubs and I are hosting what is shaping up to be a lovely wedding/reception for our only daughter and her FI, whom we love like our own son. So what's the problem with that?

Apparently his family, whom we have only met a few times, are not happy with the "unnecessary" things we are planning, such as a champagne toast. Not exactly sure what else falls into that category for the, but apparently quite a few things. They are very nice people, but live a much simpler, more frugal lifestyle and see things differently.

It seems that the reception we are planning is just too upscale/nice (unnecessary?) for the other family. Nobody has directly asked them for any money, by the way, but FSIL has asked them how, if at all, they would like to help or be involved. They are willing to contribute, but only if their contribution goes towards things that they consider necessary.

After touring many venues (in THEIR hometown, not ours, I might add) with the bride, groom and other mother, and comparing prices (all would be within a few hundred dollars bottom line of each other) the bride and groom liked one venue the best because it had the most character.

Now, snide remarks are being made to the groom about that choice and other things as well. Making my daughter out to be a high maintenance bridezilla (she's not, by the way, she just wants everyone to be happy).

They are willing to host a rehearsal dinner, but unwilling to invite the out of town guests. Wedding party only. The groom needs to handle this one, right?

At the moment, my blood is boiling. WHY is is considered acceptable to criticize and make snide remarks about something being too nice, when if it were the other way around and we were criticizing something they planned as not being good enough we would be considered totally snobbish and rude?

Wedding planning is NOT starting off very well Thoughts or advice, anyone?

The only people that need to be invited to the rehearsal dinner are the BP and their significant others. OOT guests can be a nice touch, but they are not really required.

And, yes, the FIRST should be standing up to his parents when they bad mouth you to him. But it needs to come from him. If they say anything directly to you, that's another story.

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

Well only wedding party and their SOs (plus immediate family) are "must haves" at the RD, so they are doing nothing wrong with what they're planning. Stick to worrying about your own party and try your hardest to not criticize their choices like they are criticizing yours...

Honestly, it's probably FAR better that they're NOT contributing to the wedding itself or you'd have to coordinate. Imagine coordinating ideas and costs with people who have such a different outlook. It'd be stressful and divisive. You stick to planning the wedding and let them do their thing with the RD. Everyone will be happier that way.

Now pull up those big girl panties and ignore their rude remarks.

MandyPandy87 · August 2016

Agreed with @holyguacamole79, the son should really be handling any and all difficult conversations (or at this point just any communication if they're being rude to you).

But it's really okay to not invite the OOT guests, if you feel strongly about hosting those guests (and it's in your budget) maybe consider hosting something at the hotel if they have a bar/restaurant? As you said, it's in their hometown, so maybe they see it that most of the OOT guests are from your family and it's just not in their budget to host those extra guests.

downtondiva · August 2016

It's perfectly fine not to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. We did not invite them to ours.

Everything else that you're saying is pretty bad, though. They are not required to contribute anything to the wedding, so there is no reason for them to be concerned with what's necessary and what isn't, or to be unkind about such things. However, this needs to be your future son-in-law's battle, not yours. He needs to tell them that he and your daughter are happy with the plans and that they need to be more fair and more respectful toward your daughter.

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

MandyPandy87 said:

Agreed with @holyguacamole79, the son should really be handling any and all difficult conversations (or at this point just any communication if they're being rude to you).

But it's really okay to not invite the OOT guests, if you feel strongly about hosting those guests (and it's in your budget) maybe consider hosting something at the hotel if they have a bar/restaurant? As you said, it's in their hometown, so maybe they see it that most of the OOT guests are from your family and it's just not in their budget to host those extra guests.

This would come off to me as a competing event. Same night as the RD just a different fraction of the guest list? Would she invite some of the groom's family who wasn't invited to the RD but are still OOT guests? Awkward.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

We plan on hosting a brunch the morning after the wedding for all family/out of town guests. So there is that. I just want our guests to feel well hosted and taken care of.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Hosting out of town guests at the rehearsal dinner and/or a next day brunch is nice, but neither is necessary. The only thing necessary is to make sure they are properly hosted during the reception itself.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

I just know that when we've traveled out of town for weddings we have always been invited to attend the dinner. It only seems right to reciprocate. But I've already told my daughter that it's up to his family to make those decisions since they are offering to host it and we should accept their decision gracefully.

I just don't see why everything needs to be such a battle. Why do they need to snark about the nice extras we want to do for the reception when they are not hosting it.

lnixon8 · August 2016

You said your blood is boiling. Is your daughter coming to you because she is truly upset (would be okay if she was) or because she is venting about her new in laws? Or is the groom reporting back to her their concerns?

There are huge differnces between someone telling her directly " Champagne toasts are stupid and you're a bridezilla for wanting it." vs "My Mom says the champagne toast is a little much"

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

She is truly upset, hurt, and in tears.

The gist of the conversation between groom and mom seems to have been that we should scale back the wedding reception because it's not a level of formality their family is comfortable with. I'm not ok with that, but maybe that's just my southern upbringing.

It's really a matter of these two coming from totally different backgrounds and the bride being upset that the wedding of her dreams (promised years ago by a doting dad

) is in jeopardy because of what seems like reverse snobbery (is that a word, haha?). It should be noted that the groom was totally on board until the conversation with his mom.

whoabethers · August 2016

What a mess! I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. As someone who has COMPLETELY DIFFERENT tastes in everything from my FMIL, I totally understand the clashing. Sounds like your daughter's fiance needs to stand up to his parents!!!

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

She is truly upset, hurt, and in tears. The inlaws told the groom that a champagne toast isn't necessary and people can just get a drink from the bar before it closes for dinner hour and toast with that. Therefore, IF they pay for the bar bill, they won't pay for that. But it was within the context of it all just being over the top. My words, not theirs (I think). But it's not really just about a toast.

The gist of the conversation between groom and mom seems to have been that we should dumb down the wedding reception because it's not a level of formality their family is comfortable with. I'm not ok with that, but maybe that's just my southern upbringing.

It's really a matter of these two coming from totally different backgrounds and the bride being upset that the wedding of her dreams (promised years ago by a doting dad ) is in jeopardy because of what seems like reverse snobbery (is that a word, haha?). It should be noted that the groom was totally on board until the conversation with his mom.

So is the groom asking for plans to change?

My family comes from far less money and formality than FI's is used to, and it's tough for us to plan an event that will make sure both sides are comfortable, but not impossible.

At the end of the day, I truly believe if your guests are well fed, comfortable and don't have to reach into their pocketbooks, none of this will really matter unless the event is on one extreme or another (i.e. black tie and your uncles don't even own suits or a potluck and you're serving millionaires). Now, with that said, you are free to host the event you want and choose to, but some people may not attend, like in my black tie example.

I think it's important to know if their concerns are truly "reverse snobbery" or legitimate "my family may not be comfortable in this setting."

SP29 · August 2016

I am a bit confused on who is paying for the different parts of the wedding... he who pays gets a say.

Initially it sounded like you and your husband are covering the cost for the reception, thus if you would like to provide a champagne toast, go for it and ignore the rude remarks. But then in your last post you said, "IF they were to pay for the bar....". If they do not wish to pay for a champagne toast because they think it unnecessary, that is completely acceptable. The option is that the bride and groom cover that cost if they want the toast, or they do not accept the ILs offer of money if they don't like the strings attached.

Yes, FSIL should be dealing with his parents, but your daughter and he need to get on the same page. It's very generous for you and your husband to offer so much, but if the two agree a simpler affair would be best, then follow their lead.

MobKaz · August 2016

I have been a MOB and MOG. You have several issues with which to contend.

The first is budget. Is there a reason the future in laws think they are on the hook for the bar tab? "Nobody has directly asked them for any money, by the way, but FSIL has asked them how, if at all, they would like to help or be involved". You said you and your husband are hosting the wedding. Host the wedding that your daughter and her FI feel are a reflection of them. Stop sharing particular details that do not involve the in laws. FI needs to make it clear to his parents that you are hosting the wedding and they are not being asked to make any monetary contribution. (They should not be asked for any money.)

I married in a suburb of Chicago 38 years ago. A plated, sit down dinner with open bar was the norm. My husband's family was from rural Wisconsin. A simple buffet that may or may not have included beer, seated at long card tables, was the norm. Both are perfectly fine, albeit quite different. My husband's family, not accustomed to our style of wedding, assumed my family was well off financially. Everyone ended up having a great time because no one made any issues of anything. Many guests from Wisconsin wore short sleeved shirts and came without ties and jackets. Who cares? As the host, worry about making sure your guests are hosted properly. Encourage your daughter to have FI assure his family that they will enjoy themselves if they focus on the reason for the event.

The rehearsal has the same criteria. The hosts are in control of that. If they choose to have a modest dinner, then that is their choice. Their only obligation is to include any and all members of the wedding party and their SO's.

FWIW, my daughter's in laws included some OOT guests to the rehearsal, but none from my family. That was their prerogative. The rehearsal was on a Thursday evening, with the wedding on Saturday. We hosted immediate family OOT guests on Friday evening. It's not as if any of the OOT guests were privvy to any of these arrangements.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

MobKaz said:

I have been a MOB and MOG. You have several issues with which to contend.

The first is budget. Is there a reason the future in laws think they are on the hook for the bar tab? "Nobody has directly asked them for any money, by the way, but FSIL has asked them how, if at all, they would like to help or be involved".

I married in a suburb of Chicago 38 years ago. A plated, sit down dinner with open bar was the norm. My husband's family was from rural Wisconsin. A simple buffet that may or may not have included beer, seated at long card tables, was the norm. Both are perfectly fine, albeit quite different.

As for budget, I think FSIL, when they asked, told his parents what the groom's family traditionally helps with. Not that they are expected to, or required to, but if they choose to.

Your wedding example is exactly what we are dealing with.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

That was what THEY said.. IF they were to pay for the bar tab. Nobody directly asked them to, but FSIL did answer their question when asked what the groom's family traditionally helps with.

As of now, as far as I know, hubs and I are paying for the entire thing, and we are very happy to do so.

mollybarker11 · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

She is truly upset, hurt, and in tears. The inlaws told the groom that a champagne toast isn't necessary and people can just get a drink from the bar before it closes for dinner hour and toast with that. Therefore, IF they pay for the bar bill, they won't pay for that. But it was within the context of it all just being over the top. My words, not theirs (I think). But it's not really just about a toast.

The gist of the conversation between groom and mom seems to have been that we should dumb down the wedding reception because it's not a level of formality their family is comfortable with. I'm not ok with that, but maybe that's just my southern upbringing.

It's really a matter of these two coming from totally different backgrounds and the bride being upset that the wedding of her dreams (promised years ago by a doting dad ) is in jeopardy because of what seems like reverse snobbery (is that a word, haha?). It should be noted that the groom was totally on board until the conversation with his mom.

I would caution the couple against having the groom's family contribute toward the reception at all. As @southernbelle0915 pointed out, you would then get into the difficult matter of coordinating planning. Next time they bring up what they would & wouldn't cover, the groom should thank them for their offer but assure them the rehearsal is taken care of.

I'm sure you just meant it as an expression, but keep in mind that a less formal reception is not any "dumber" than a formal one! If the reception would truly make the groom's family feel uncomfortable, that wouldn't be my idea of a dream wedding. His parents should not be so rude and you're certainly free to just ignore their remarks, but I think they are coming from a place of discomfort.

Hopefully your FSIL can convince his folks that they do not need to worry about the reception and that your daughter is not a bridezilla, just someone who wants all her guests to have a nice time.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned. I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

The "being comfortable" thing was mentioned. I have trouble understanding, however, how anyone could be uncomfortable in a pretty setting, being served good drinks and and a great dinner, surrounded by those you care for and celebrating a wonderful family event.

Because you are used to this level of service and formality, not everyone is.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that anything would be dumb. Maybe scaled way back would be a better phrase. That said, she's just not about a casual reception. The venue is elegant, and they both chose it.

South Carolina Mama · August 2016

I'm not used to any particular level of formality. But I am used to being considerate and appreciative of my hosts' efforts and rising to the occasion when need be.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

I'm not used to any particular level of formality. But I am used to being considerate and appreciative of my hosts' efforts and rising to the occasion when need be.

If you use the quote button it will quote who you are responding to and make this much easier.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being used to a level of formality that not everyone else is.

But your entire conversation contradicts your last post.

The venue is elegant.
The champagne toast to the couple.
Hosting out of town guests all weekend.
A doting father who promised a dream wedding.

All of these are really nice if you're able to do so and has absolutely nothing with being a good host. You can have an amazing wedding in the courthouse, with a simple, dry, thank you lunch for your guests, all paid for by yourself and be no less married or no poorer of a host.

STARMOON44 · August 2016

I think your daughter and her fiancé need to make it clear to his parents that they don't need to contribute to the wedding at all. It sounds a bit like they were given a list of things to do, including the bar. That may not have been the intent, but seems like that is what they heard.

And then buy your daughter some big girl panties!! Your future mother in law not liking a champagne toast is eye rolling and annoyance territory, not vale of tears time.

banana468 · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

I'm not used to any particular level of formality. But I am used to being considerate and appreciative of my hosts' efforts and rising to the occasion when need be.

*********************************
Pretend I'm not stuck in a box:

You can be considerate and appreciative of your hosts but as hosts, please don't forget to be considerate and appreciative of the guests. I hope your FSIL is not the type who just "yesses" the women in his life without actually inputting an opinion. If he's acting as the tennis ball here without input (not saying he is but I'm concerned that he's telling your daughter his mother's opinion without standing up for their mutual decisions. It makes me wonder if he's saying, "Yeah sweetie I like it too," )

Is it possible that your FSIL's crowd is one to find the kind of reception you propose to be outside their comfort level?

As an example: My mother and father were once invited to a black tie New Year's Eve party. They didn't attend. It had nothing to do with their plans for the night (they didn't have any) but my mom is not a black tie gal and felt uncomfortable by the notion that attending required a gown and a tux rental for dad. Is it possible that the venue could be out of the comfort range of the guests?

DH and I had a lovely wedding with top shelf booze but a black tie wedding was never in the cards. We aren't black tie people. I'm not saying that your wedding is either - but using it as an example of a style that could make a host think, "What's to complain about??" and a guest could say, "Well, let me make a list for you."

How much is being clearly communicated to the MOG and FOG? Have you two talked directly to them? Are they trying to offer some feedback or are they putting their foot down? Is it also possible that you and your DH are in better financial shape?

FWIW, we had a champagne toast but if I had to do it all over again, I'd have it poured and offered but not on tables. It's a waste for those who drink two sips and then never finish it. I love it but most don't.

Also, remember that this occasion is not a tit for tat battle. Just because you were hosted as an OOT guest at other weddings does not mean that your guests need to be. Most do understand that finances are limited.

banana468 · August 2016

Also, one more piece of advice - this is JUST THE BEGINNING of your relationship with your FSIL's parents. It's one day. You may be the parents who talk about their daughter's wedding day with tears in their eyes but remember that there's a big picture here. She's marrying this man and his family will be her family. Pick and choose battles wisely.

I am no stranger to some IL issues. My MIL can be.....interesting. However my ILs and parents are so close that they plan events together without DH and me and our kids. And I am thrilled that after being married 9 years, it's not just my relationship with my husband that's stronger.

You don't need to be friends with your daughter's ILs, but please do what you can to remember that unless the FMIL is trying to end the engagement, the rest are just details.

lyndausvi · August 2016

Sort of off-topic: Honestly, champagne toasts are so "yesterday". Fact is champagne is a love hate thing. As a worker I see it mostly go to waste. Making it a total waste of money. Now I love champagne. If it's available at the bar I will drink it all night long. There are others like me at most weddings, but we are not the majority. Nope the majority of guests take the obligatory sip and put it down on the table.

Anyway, I get how you feel. My family has more money than my siblings' in-laws. While they stop short of being black tie, they are go big or go home type hosts. They also do not like to be told what to do with their own money.

Since they were paying, they felt ZERO need to discuss things with the in-laws. Nor did they want my SILs/BIL to discuss costs with their parents (ideas were fine, just not finances). It's not anyone else's business.

On the flip side they let didn't interfere with anything the in-laws were hosting. Like my parents, it was their party (or whatever they were going to pay for) and it was their budget and their choices. Even though they would have done things differently (i.e we invite OOT guest to the RD also), it wasn't their place to tell others how to host and/or spend their money.

Champagne toasts are not reason for nightmares. If your daughter and FSIL are happy they should just thank the in-laws for their comment. Tell them they like [insert whatever] and then bean dip.

MairePoppy · August 2016

South Carolina Mama said:

She is truly upset, hurt, and in tears. The inlaws told the groom that a champagne toast isn't necessary and people can just get a drink from the bar before it closes for dinner hour and toast with that. Therefore, IF they pay for the bar bill, they won't pay for that. But it was within the context of it all just being over the top. My words, not theirs (I think). But it's not really just about a toast.

The gist of the conversation between groom and mom seems to have been that we should dumb down the wedding reception because it's not a level of formality their family is comfortable with. I'm not ok with that, but maybe that's just my southern upbringing.

It's really a matter of these two coming from totally different backgrounds and the bride being upset that the wedding of her dreams (promised years ago by a doting dad ) is in jeopardy because of what seems like reverse snobbery (is that a word, haha?). It should be noted that the groom was totally on board until the conversation with his mom.

If you're hosting and paying for the wedding reception, you get to decide on the details, such as the champagne toast, with the bride and grooms approval. I would suggest you not accept their contributions for the bar bill or other items for the reception. That makes them VIP guests, who are expected to enjoy your hospitality, rather than co-hosts. Likewise, if they are hosting the rehearsal dinner, it's theirs to plan. They aren't obligated to invite out of town guests.

Your FSIL should figure out, very, very soon, that it's not a good idea to repeat the things his mother has said about you, your daughter, the wedding. He should let his mom know that he is very grateful for your generosity and that you have included him in the decision making process. You should be careful about what you say to your FSIL, in regards to his parents and your Southern upbringing and their dumbed down standards. Who knows what he might repeat? You wouldn't want them to think you're being catty.

missJeanLouise · August 2016

While I do not agree with your in-law's rudeness, I do agree that a champagne toast is unnecessary. I wonder if these were comments between a mother and son that were supposed to be kept private.
If you were the bride, advice would be to plan the wedding you and your partner can afford and to stop talking to people about wedding details. Obviously, you can not exclude your DD and FSIL but, the criticism, I would shake it off.

Etf: autocorrect

drunkenwitch · August 2016

What does a southern upbringing have to do with being a good hostess? I hear that a lot and I think, really? Only people in the south know how to host? No one else in the country has any manners?

missJeanLouise · August 2016

drunkenwitch said:

What does a southern upbringing have to do with being a good hostess? I hear that a lot and I think, really? Only people in the south know how to host? No one else in the country has any manners?

Sitb.

I laughed out loud at this. I hear it from my (sourhern) FMIL constantly, and it is all I can do to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head. Also, all about my "non-traditional" wedding b/c it will be in fall and our colors aren't brown, orange, and yellow.

Clashing Families..Help!

Re: Clashing Families..Help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards