Bridesmaid Ettiquette?

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

Alright so I had posted this on another site and dealing with baby and typing on my phone.. I dont think I wrote it properly as people had assumed I had said tons o rude things to one of my bridesmaids.. so full attention to write properly, lol.

I got engaged New Years Eve 2015/2016. Wedding is September 26, 2016..so soon. So I have 3 bridesmaids. Sister and two friends. I asked them they said yes, blah blah blah.

I worked near my one bridesmaid and on our breaks just about every day we would pop in and chit chat when we could. Talk and all this stuff. So before anything had been planned really... she had asked what I want to do for their hair, I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail. So I was shyly like "Oh well Id kind of like you all to match." and we talked a bit more then that was that.

Took us forever to get together and make an appt to get bridesmaid dresses, and she was very hard to work with there but we got them in march.. We had picked them out finalized were up at the desk ready to order/pay. And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair... after all I am a stylist of course Im all about the hair! This day we also picked out a day for the Bachelorette Party in August.

So our wedding has a lot of DIYs. Ive never demanded they help or got pissed anyone for not helping. Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?" I never got an answer no or yes or some other time - just ignored right from the get go. She is artsy and love to craft and all that so I had assumed she would be into it. I love to craft so it really isnt bad that she would of said no.... I jsut never got a no or any acknowledgement.

We had finalized bachelorette camping june 27. Everyone was notified.
July 26 we went shopping for my dress, and bachelorette was further discussed there. Now two weeks ago I had asked this bridesmaid if she needed a ride.. she had no idea what I was talking about. So I told her it was the bachelorette camping party and she wasnt stoked on the idea... but i figured it was cheaper than a night on the town.
She has had to of known because of the above... and because we've discussed it in a group chat for the 4 of us, and another group chat of just the bridesmaids and they have been talking about it and shes been talking back some but mostly ignoring - but they can see shes read it. Theyve asked if she wants to help set up, any ideas, and they touched on $$ to help out. She nostly reads and ignores from what I've been told from their group..I stopped messaging in the other group we had.
So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry" well are you able to borrow your dads car after for a special occasion? "No he probably wont let me" ...she is able to use the car a lot.. So obviously a bridesmaid isnt coming so Im sad! And she didnt seem t care or want to try to come.. So I got really disasspointed and then said "Im kind of disappointed we knew about this date a long time ago. I know other bridesmaids have been talking about this to you in another chat aswell. I thought you would be all excited to help me craft and everything" and then I said I dont want to make drama but it just feels shitty.
I got a big long thing about how I picked the most broke bridesmaid, how shes asked me to craft lots (shes asked once and it was pretty much done by then and she mentioned that) and that shes sorry shes broke.
Now I am not dictating how she spends her money and I guess in my other post on the other site I wrote it really bitchy because were all broke! But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled. How that makes me feel because theyve only asked for $20...is pretty shitty.
I left it at that. I didnt want to go back and forth and I sucked it up and I said as long as your up there with me on the day thats all that matters i dont want to argue.
So that was a week ago. Two days ago I asked if she wanted to come over for a bbq this weekend. I havent got anything from her at all.

The other bridesmaids have messaged her since that and no replies to them or anything. I guess what bugs me the most is the lack of involvement, care or whatever... I assumed a bridesmaid would and should attend a bachelorette, would answer you. I thought bridesmaids helped with things wedding related. I've never demanded anything from any of them, or set my foot down on anything except for a hairstyle (cause a slicked back ponytail would look ridiculous). and Ive never said anything harsh or rude other than Im disappointed.... Ive never been married but friends around me have their friends willingly helping and offering to help them. Im scared week of she will bail, not reply or something.... and day before wedding Im sure we will need all the help we can.... but will she... is that asking too much??

Im very soft spoken and never speak out of my feelings but I felt I had too with all the frustration piling up of being ignored/lack of caring - i know its not hher wedding but I know if i was a bridesmaid id be all over it. But everyones different I guess

Anyways what do you all think? Sorry for the big story lol

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

Alright so I had posted this on another site and dealing with baby and typing on my phone.. I dont think I wrote it properly as people had assumed I had said tons o rude things to one of my bridesmaids.. so full attention to write properly, lol.

I got engaged New Years Eve 2015/2016. Wedding is September 26, 2016..so soon. So I have 3 bridesmaids. Sister and two friends. I asked them they said yes, blah blah blah.

I worked near my one bridesmaid and on our breaks just about every day we would pop in and chit chat when we could. Talk and all this stuff. So before anything had been planned really... she had asked what I want to do for their hair, I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail. So I was shyly like "Oh well Id kind of like you all to match." and we talked a bit more then that was that.

Took us forever to get together and make an appt to get bridesmaid dresses, and she was very hard to work with there but we got them in march.. We had picked them out finalized were up at the desk ready to order/pay. And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair... after all I am a stylist of course Im all about the hair! This day we also picked out a day for the Bachelorette Party in August.

So our wedding has a lot of DIYs. Ive never demanded they help or got pissed anyone for not helping. Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?" I never got an answer no or yes or some other time - just ignored right from the get go. She is artsy and love to craft and all that so I had assumed she would be into it. I love to craft so it really isnt bad that she would of said no.... I jsut never got a no or any acknowledgement.

We had finalized bachelorette camping june 27. Everyone was notified.
July 26 we went shopping for my dress, and bachelorette was further discussed there. Now two weeks ago I had asked this bridesmaid if she needed a ride.. she had no idea what I was talking about. So I told her it was the bachelorette camping party and she wasnt stoked on the idea... but i figured it was cheaper than a night on the town.
She has had to of known because of the above... and because we've discussed it in a group chat for the 4 of us, and another group chat of just the bridesmaids and they have been talking about it and shes been talking back some but mostly ignoring - but they can see shes read it. Theyve asked if she wants to help set up, any ideas, and they touched on $$ to help out. She nostly reads and ignores from what I've been told from their group..I stopped messaging in the other group we had.
So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry" well are you able to borrow your dads car after for a special occasion? "No he probably wont let me" ...she is able to use the car a lot.. So obviously a bridesmaid isnt coming so Im sad! And she didnt seem t care or want to try to come.. So I got really disasspointed and then said "Im kind of disappointed we knew about this date a long time ago. I know other bridesmaids have been talking about this to you in another chat aswell. I thought you would be all excited to help me craft and everything" and then I said I dont want to make drama but it just feels shitty.
I got a big long thing about how I picked the most broke bridesmaid, how shes asked me to craft lots (shes asked once and it was pretty much done by then and she mentioned that) and that shes sorry shes broke.
Now I am not dictating how she spends her money and I guess in my other post on the other site I wrote it really bitchy because were all broke! But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled. How that makes me feel because theyve only asked for $20...is pretty shitty.
I left it at that. I didnt want to go back and forth and I sucked it up and I said as long as your up there with me on the day thats all that matters i dont want to argue.
So that was a week ago. Two days ago I asked if she wanted to come over for a bbq this weekend. I havent got anything from her at all.

The other bridesmaids have messaged her since that and no replies to them or anything. I guess what bugs me the most is the lack of involvement, care or whatever... I assumed a bridesmaid would and should attend a bachelorette, would answer you. I thought bridesmaids helped with things wedding related. I've never demanded anything from any of them, or set my foot down on anything except for a hairstyle (cause a slicked back ponytail would look ridiculous). and Ive never said anything harsh or rude other than Im disappointed.... Ive never been married but friends around me have their friends willingly helping and offering to help them. Im scared week of she will bail, not reply or something.... and day before wedding Im sure we will need all the help we can.... but will she... is that asking too much??

Im very soft spoken and never speak out of my feelings but I felt I had too with all the frustration piling up of being ignored/lack of caring - i know its not hher wedding but I know if i was a bridesmaid id be all over it. But everyones different I guess

Anyways what do you all think? Sorry for the big story lol

There's a lot to deal with here, but to be honest with you if I told my BFF I wasn't able to leave at the time they were driving to the campsite due to a hugely important meeting at my work - you know, my career - and she responded by asking me to move it, I'd be much less inclined to make the effort to attend, full stop. Idk what you posted on this other site, but if this is the version you think makes you sound less high maintenence then you are sadly mistaken.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

I just dont understand how that is high maintenence wanting a bridesmaid at your bachelorette and exploring the options to make it work? And its not that she couldnt leave at the same time - its that she couldnt come at all... of course I wanted her there so naturally one would ask those questions!
Everyone around where we live knows tax meetings dont happen on Saturdays (which is the day of the bachelorette) so I thought it was weird. Plus if we knew the dates and had discussed them multiple times... wouldnt you not make that appt on that day?

MesmrEwe · August 2016

The real question to ask has your friendship run its course? Are you better to write her a check for the cost of the BM dress (you can cancel her bouquet early with the florist that'll free up some budget) and give her the "out" and not have her in your pictures for eternity. While the only thing she's required to do is show up the day of relatively sober in the designated attire, stand there, and snap a few pictures. Assume she won't be involved in any other capacity nor expect her to do so. It sounds though that she's "Wanting an out" from what you posted, realize it's a friendship ending move to kick her out, but if the friendship has run its course, is it really a loss.. At some point budget was not discussed so there's a mutual issue there (I'll ask this - was the BM dress she picked out cheaper than the one y'all liked previous?)..

There's a failure to communicate and the lines of communication need to be opened up to find out what the real issue is. It's more than the hair, the BM dress, the bach (my idea of roughing it is a hotel with a door to the outside so camping - meh), craft projects, DIY, setting up, etc. If she looks crazy with a high and tight ponytail, that's on her, but unfortunately, even though you're a stylist you can't force her to have a hairstyle she doesn't want. Stop with the texting and pick up the phone or swing by, and NO wedding talk!

JaxInBlue · August 2016

I think you need to step back and accept that your friend isn't going to meet your vision of what you think a bridesmaid should be. In all honesty, even if you aren't proactively recruiting them to do things (although texting them about crafting seems to be on that line), if you expect them to volunteer their time and energy, then you are expecting them to do more than they are required to do.

A bridesmaid's only requirements are to show up on-time, sober, in the agreed upon attire, and be relatively cooperative for some photos. She doesn't need to help you craft, she's entitled to set a budget for her attire, to speak up if she feels a dress is too expensive, unflattering, uncomfortable, to spend her money and time doing things for herself rather than stow away funds for you and your event. It's okay that your wedding isn't her top priority.

Along with that, if you want a specific look on your wedding day, beyond the dress, you need to pay for that. If you are absolutely set on matching hairstyles, you need to arrange and pay for them. But, honestly, letting everyone do their hair themselves or request a style they like will go a long way to making your wedding party feel more comfortable. And that will reflect in their attitudes and in your pictures.

Finally, does your friend even like camping? Does she go often? The number of people I would muster the enthusiasm to camp for is ridiculously small - like DH and maybe my sister. I would not be thrilled to go to a camping bachelorette - and probably would skip it unless you were my absolutely favorite person ever. But since she can't go because of the work meeting, it's NBD.

Dial back your expectations, remember that this is something to honor your friendship, and be happy your friend can join you at your wedding.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

I just dont understand how that is high maintenence wanting a bridesmaid at your bachelorette and exploring the options to make it work? And its not that she couldnt leave at the same time - its that she couldnt come at all... of course I wanted her there so naturally one would ask those questions!
Everyone around where we live knows tax meetings dont happen on Saturdays (which is the day of the bachelorette) so I thought it was weird. Plus if we knew the dates and had discussed them multiple times... wouldnt you not make that appt on that day?

Sure they do. I doubt you know every accountant in your area and their hours of business. My salesman and his parents see their accountant only on Saturdays because that's when it's convenient for them. Even if it's just an excuse, it's pretty bratty sounding to demand that she move it.

Do all of your conversations revolve around your wedding? It kind of sounds like they do. That gets really, really, really old. Have you asked her how her life is going?

Oh, and the fact that she gets her lips filled is none of your business even if she then can't give $20 for something for you. Becoming a BM doesn't mean that you open your wallet to the bride and do without what you want.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

I never demanded she moved it - I asked if it was possible... I feel like anyone that would of wanted their bridesmaid celebrating with them would, no?

And just because I didnt post our regular conversations doesnt mean we dont do stuff wedding related? I visit her at work, we workout, we talk about regular people things...

charlotte989875 · August 2016

So, I agree this is a little much; from the hair to repeatedly asking her to help you craft, to assuming she will pay toward a party, being devastated she found a dress she (and another BM) liked better, and you're frustrated at her? i would have been annoyed the minute you told me I had to wear my hair the same as other women just because of your vision, especially if I told you I didn't think it would work for me.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

So for those of you who are married or getting married. Do you plan and do everything for your Bachelorette and shower? Cause if bridesmaids are expected to do nothing. ..who does it?

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

My FI is on his stag do this weekend, so since I'm at a loose end tonight let me try to help you see what seems obvious from your post, and evidently on the other website too.

"I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail."

You want her hair a certain way, fine, but lets not pretend this wasn't your friends way of letting you know she'd prefer something else. Just because it is possible, doesn't mean she feels comfortable.

And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair

Which is it? You were devastated she wanted another dress than the one you picked, but you also didn't care about anything but the hair. If that's what you told her, why wouldn't she think it was okay to have a look at whatever dresses she likes? Especially since another BM agreed with her.

"Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?"

But yet you continued to ask? Clearly she didn't want to. Just because she loves to craft as and when she feels like it doesn't mean she's excited to be free labour for your wedding.

"So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry"

So you think she is lying? If you do then thats one thing, but if not why the fuck would you ask her to move a work meeting?? You have not said that she has declined to attend, just that she couldn't make the morning ride due to work and therefore had no way of getting there. Why don't you leave later so she can work and attend your bachelorette?

"But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled."

Just staaaap! None of this "oh nothing wrong with how she spends her money" except you mean how dare that bitch spent her own money on whatever she wants instead of my wedding.

There is actually more but I'm now more bored of this that I was of watching tv when I started so no more copy/pasta.

You know individually none of these things would be a big deal, but I can see how your friend would easily be able to see that she is not living up to your expectations. Your wedding is not her responsibility! She doesn't need to do a damn thing except turn up on the day. Stop expecting her to, and telling her you are "disappointed" (which is a really harsh thing to say btw, don't you remember your parents saying "we're not angry, we're disappointed" when you were a teenager? It was way worse!). Maybe if you lighten up a little she will actually want to be around you.

Maybe - just maybe - it isn't the way you are telling it. Maybe its you.

Eta: cutting down the quote tree

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

So for those of you who are married or getting married. Do you plan and do everything for your Bachelorette and shower? Cause if bridesmaids are expected to do nothing. ..who does it?

Bridesmaids are expected to do nothing. They offer to do the things they choose to do. See the difference?

charlotte989875 · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

So for those of you who are married or getting married. Do you plan and do everything for your Bachelorette and shower? Cause if bridesmaids are expected to do nothing. ..who does it?

I had people offer to plan the shower and b-party for me. And no you shouldn't plan it yourself.

BMs are not expected to do anything other than show up in the dress and be there for the ceremony/photos. Many, many offer to do things like showers, bachelorette parties, bridal teas, but they definitely don't have to and you should never ask anyone to do these for you. If no one offers then unfortunately you don't have one.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

So for those of you who are married or getting married. Do you plan and do everything for your Bachelorette and shower? Cause if bridesmaids are expected to do nothing. ..who does it?

No. You do not plan your own bachelorette or shower. If no one offers, you don't get one.

kylexo · August 2016

One of my bridesmaids, while able to attend my bachelorette, chose not to due to the fact that we were going to be drinking and she doesn't and doesn't like to be around it. Do I wish she had been able to make it? Absolutely! She's one of my best friends and has been for over 15 years. Would I ever hold it against her that she needed to do what was right for her? Absolutely not! Careers, family and personal beliefs are all incredibly legitimate things to prioritize over a friends wedding.

Main what you've said, maybe your friendship with her is phasing out. That's ok, it happens. One of my other bridesmaids chose to phase herself out of my life after I'd asked her to be in the wedding. Did it suck? Sure! Did it make our "sides uneven"? You betcha! Did it in any way effect the fact that DH and I got married that day and has a blast with the people we most loved? Nope!

Take a step back and look at it objectively. Is this a friend issue or is it a wedding issue! If it's a friend issues, discuss it with her without bringing up ANYTHING wedding related. If it's a wedding issue, check yourself. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding or wedding related activities as you and your FI are.

OliveOilsMom · August 2016

Has this BM always been flaky when it comes to responding to texts/emails? If so, she won't change her behavior because there is now a wedding involved. I think you need to really lower your expectations of this BM so she doesn't disappoint you further.

BMs only need to get the agreed upon dress and show up sober to the wedding. Anything above and beyond that is done at the BMs discretion. So if a shower or b-party is held, its because they want to host one. But really, any person can host a shower or b-party, it doesn't have to be limited to people within your BP.

Also, think long term about your friendship, do you always make the effort? Do you always go see her? Do you always contact her to hang out? Its possible you are more excited about the friendship than she is.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

Can I also say this is one of the reasons I hate group chats/tests/Facebook messages. Especially if some of he members message all the time. I don't always read them closely if it looks like a few are having a conversation. Or if I missed a bunch throughout the day, I'll read the last few and see what I missed.

The annoying thing then is that it looks like I "read" all of them, even if it was only the last few.

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:

Can I also say this is one of the reasons I hate group chats/tests/Facebook messages. Especially if some of he members message all the time. I don't always read them closely if it looks like a few are having a conversation. Or if I missed a bunch throughout the day, I'll read the last few and see what I missed.

The annoying thing then is that it looks like I "read" all of them, even if it was only the last few.

Agreed! Also, my job means I don't always have time to respond to people in the daytime. I regularly have to present or be the lead in meetings so even if I *read* a message, most often I don't take it in.

But also these 'my BM is terrible' threads are the worst.

Signed,
bridesmaid x5

missJeanLouise · August 2016

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

missJeanLouise said:

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

I guess I have been suckered into the Hollywood version! Also seeing other friends having their bridesmaids willingly doing such things has set off a different expectation as well.

But Im still partial to her attitude... maybe doesn't have to do any of these things but to just blatantly ignore me and other girls seems wrong. A simple answer would suffice.
Taking the wedding out of it and invited her to a bbq.. and she wouldnt be stuck to my side there would be other friends there..

I just wish she at least tried to make it seem like she cared a little bit.... but I guess that is totally wrong of me to expect....

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

missJeanLouise said:

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

I guess I have been suckered into the Hollywood version! Also seeing other friends having their bridesmaids willingly doing such things has set off a different expectation as well.

But Im still partial to her attitude... maybe doesn't have to do any of these things but to just blatantly ignore me and other girls seems wrong. A simple answer would suffice.
Taking the wedding out of it and invited her to a bbq.. and she wouldnt be stuck to my side there would be other friends there..

I just wish she at least tried to make it seem like she cared a little bit.... but I guess that is totally wrong of me to expect....

It's not wrong to wish at all, but you still don't seem to understand how you may be making her feel? You care that she is not delivering the experience you 'deserve', but don't seem to care that it isn't her responsibility to do so. I'm sure you can understand how it might be hard to be your usual self around a friend that is telling you she is disappointed in your decisions surrounding her wedding? Just try to have a little alternative perspective.

I know you are bummed, but speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of someone expecting too much of me around their wedding I can tell you that it is hurtful and that bad taste is not easily forgotten. A wedding is one day, a friendship is (usually) years in the making and years maintaining. Something many a bride on here seems to easily forget.

SP29 · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

missJeanLouise said:

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

I guess I have been suckered into the Hollywood version! Also seeing other friends having their bridesmaids willingly doing such things has set off a different expectation as well.

But Im still partial to her attitude... maybe doesn't have to do any of these things but to just blatantly ignore me and other girls seems wrong. A simple answer would suffice.
Taking the wedding out of it and invited her to a bbq.. and she wouldnt be stuck to my side there would be other friends there..

I just wish she at least tried to make it seem like she cared a little bit.... but I guess that is totally wrong of me to expect....

It's OK to be disappointed- for any reason. It comes down to how you act upon it. You can be disappointed your friend isn't showing as much interest as you'd hoped, because presumably you would do the same for her, but realize that she doesn't HAVE to be interested. Thus you don't say anything to her about it and let it go.

If you feel like there is a communication issue, that's another thing, but take the wedding out of it. Call her up, make a date to meet in person, even for coffee, something just the two of you. Ask her what is going on in her life. You can bring up something like, "Friend, you seem really distant lately, anything going on that you'd like to talk about? I've tried to contact you regarding various things over the past few months and you rarely respond back. I understand that maybe you don't have time, or just aren't interested, and I don't expect you to say yes, but I feel disrespected when you don't respond at all, even to decline".

I do think you need to adjust your expectations regarding your wedding, but if you have an issue with the friendship, I think you need to be direct and honest with her instead of stewing over it. Hopefully she'll be direct an honest with you. Myself, I hate confrontation. But I would 100% rather someone TELL me if they are upset with me (even if my response is that I don't agree) than stew about and complain to others.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

ShoreWedding2016 said:

missJeanLouise said:

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

I guess I have been suckered into the Hollywood version! Also seeing other friends having their bridesmaids willingly doing such things has set off a different expectation as well.

But Im still partial to her attitude... maybe doesn't have to do any of these things but to just blatantly ignore me and other girls seems wrong. A simple answer would suffice.
Taking the wedding out of it and invited her to a bbq.. and she wouldnt be stuck to my side there would be other friends there..

I just wish she at least tried to make it seem like she cared a little bit.... but I guess that is totally wrong of me to expect....

It's not wrong to wish at all, but you still don't seem to understand how you may be making her feel? You care that she is not delivering the experience you 'deserve', but don't seem to care that it isn't her responsibility to do so. I'm sure you can understand how it might be hard to be your usual self around a friend that is telling you she is disappointed in your decisions surrounding her wedding? Just try to have a little alternative perspective.

I know you are bummed, but speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of someone expecting too much of me around their wedding I can tell you that it is hurtful and that bad taste is not easily forgotten. A wedding is one day, a friendship is (usually) years in the making and years maintaining. Something many a bride on here seems to easily forget.

The same thing happened to me. I was a MOH, living OOT from the bride and was really upfront about what I could come back for/afford and she told me repeatedly she deserved more. That I was a bad friend and bad MOH. She eventually thanked me for what I did do for her (throw her a bachelorette, contribute cash she and her mom demanded from me and other BMs for a shower w/o asking our budget) but our friendship will never be the same; it couldn't be after how she acted. It sucks because we'd been best friends for 15 years.

Just think about your role in this and see if this is how you want your friendship with her to go.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

My FI is on his stag do this weekend, so since I'm at a loose end tonight let me try to help you see what seems obvious from your post, and evidently on the other website too.

"I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail."

You want her hair a certain way, fine, but lets not pretend this wasn't your friends way of letting you know she'd prefer something else. Just because it is possible, doesn't mean she feels comfortable.

And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair

Which is it? You were devastated she wanted another dress than the one you picked, but you also didn't care about anything but the hair. If that's what you told her, why wouldn't she think it was okay to have a look at whatever dresses she likes? Especially since another BM agreed with her.

"Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?"

But yet you continued to ask? Clearly she didn't want to. Just because she loves to craft as and when she feels like it doesn't mean she's excited to be free labour for your wedding.

"So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry"

So you think she is lying? If you do then thats one thing, but if not why the fuck would you ask her to move a work meeting?? You have not said that she has declined to attend, just that she couldn't make the morning ride due to work and therefore had no way of getting there. Why don't you leave later so she can work and attend your bachelorette?

"But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled."

Just staaaap! None of this "oh nothing wrong with how she spends her money" except you mean how dare that bitch spent her own money on whatever she wants instead of my wedding.

There is actually more but I'm now more bored of this that I was of watching tv when I started so no more copy/pasta.

You know individually none of these things would be a big deal, but I can see how your friend would easily be able to see that she is not living up to your expectations. Your wedding is not her responsibility! She doesn't need to do a damn thing except turn up on the day. Stop expecting her to, and telling her you are "disappointed" (which is a really harsh thing to say btw, don't you remember your parents saying "we're not angry, we're disappointed" when you were a teenager? It was way worse!). Maybe if you lighten up a little she will actually want to be around you.

Maybe - just maybe - it isn't the way you are telling it. Maybe its you.

Eta: cutting down the quote tree

I know she wears her hair like that so she must comfortable if she does it! She wears her hair in various different ways..

I should've wrote.. I "openly" didnt care about the dress.. cause I didnt want to seem like a bridezilla... so I let it be! The color is all the same, which thinking now I dont think she liked the color. It just sucked that I saw them all in it and vocalized how I loved it and it was perfect...then upon ordering she looked at other dresses. Which I had also based the original dress off of her because she said she totally did not want any straps. Which the dress she ended up with had straps..

I continued to ask because maybe she was busy, I didnt think at first she was just ignoring.. but I clued in and stopped... and again I would be fine if she said no Im not into it... like acknowledge it at least?

The other two bridesmaids suspected she would bail and had talked about that privately and they told me when they found out she wasnt coming... and all think she is lying because like I said in another post where Im from the likelihood of a tax meeting (not a work meeting) being on a Saturday is VERY VERY slim... I believe it is through the government is what she is doing...so chances EVEN MORE SLIM!.
And I didn't demand it be changed I asked if it was a possibility. It wasnt a work meeting it was a meeting SHE BOOKED knowing the date of the bachelorette well before. And since it being at 11am I thought maybe she could still come so I asked thinking there was a way to make it work if the car could work. From that scenario Im bummed from the lack of care to even come or try to make it work...

I use the fillers and lavish dinners as an example. I am not "how dare that bitch spend her money." All I mean to complain about in that scenario is dont play the im broke game to the other bridesmaids...but flaunt all the expensive things. I guess saying shes broke is a nice way to say "no I dont want to"

Rewriting this all out... I feel like I expected her to give a damn, and care... after all she is my friend. I'd assume a friend would care, be excited, want to come.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

It seems to me like your BM has been passive-aggressively telling you these things all along but you didn't listen. She's probably worried about coming to the BBQ because she will have to hear again about how bad of a friend/bridesmaid she is.

Take me a step back, a deep breath, get over your expectations and call her and apologize if the wedding seems to have gone to your head. Tell her of course all you care about is having her there, styled the way she feels most comfortable and can't wait to dance the night away. Then change the subject back to her.

ShoreWedding2016 · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

ShoreWedding2016 said:

missJeanLouise said:

There is a lot going on here. OP, It seems you got sucked into the bridal/ Hollywood version of what a bridesmaid should be/do. A BMs only responsible for showing up sober, on time, and in the agreed upon outfit. If you are requiring them to get specific shoes, nails, make up, or hair then you need to pay for it. I get that you are disappointed your BM chose not to come to your bachelorette but you just have to let it go. If you want to remain friends with this woman, you need to take your wedding out of it and talk to her.

I guess I have been suckered into the Hollywood version! Also seeing other friends having their bridesmaids willingly doing such things has set off a different expectation as well.

But Im still partial to her attitude... maybe doesn't have to do any of these things but to just blatantly ignore me and other girls seems wrong. A simple answer would suffice.
Taking the wedding out of it and invited her to a bbq.. and she wouldnt be stuck to my side there would be other friends there..

I just wish she at least tried to make it seem like she cared a little bit.... but I guess that is totally wrong of me to expect....

It's not wrong to wish at all, but you still don't seem to understand how you may be making her feel? You care that she is not delivering the experience you 'deserve', but don't seem to care that it isn't her responsibility to do so. I'm sure you can understand how it might be hard to be your usual self around a friend that is telling you she is disappointed in your decisions surrounding her wedding? Just try to have a little alternative perspective.

I know you are bummed, but speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of someone expecting too much of me around their wedding I can tell you that it is hurtful and that bad taste is not easily forgotten. A wedding is one day, a friendship is (usually) years in the making and years maintaining. Something many a bride on here seems to easily forget.

The same thing happened to me. I was a MOH, living OOT from the bride and was really upfront about what I could come back for/afford and she told me repeatedly she deserved more. That I was a bad friend and bad MOH. She eventually thanked me for what I did do for her (throw her a bachelorette, contribute cash she and her mom demanded from me and other BMs for a shower w/o asking our budget) but our friendship will never be the same; it couldn't be after how she acted. It sucks because we'd been best friends for 15 years.

Just think about your role in this and see if this is how you want your friendship with her to go.

See... I haven't done anything like that... the only thing I said was just recently (ive been engaged since january) about the being disappointed cause she knew the date before making the appt. I havent demanded money from her (bridesmaids asked her to chip in though), never told her I deserved more, never told her that she was a bad friend. I asked to if she wanted to craft cause she likes that shit. I didnt demand it of her.
I apologized after saying i was disappointed and said all that matters is that shes up there the day of with me..... this was last week...

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

My FI is on his stag do this weekend, so since I'm at a loose end tonight let me try to help you see what seems obvious from your post, and evidently on the other website too.

"I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail."

You want her hair a certain way, fine, but lets not pretend this wasn't your friends way of letting you know she'd prefer something else. Just because it is possible, doesn't mean she feels comfortable.

And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair

Which is it? You were devastated she wanted another dress than the one you picked, but you also didn't care about anything but the hair. If that's what you told her, why wouldn't she think it was okay to have a look at whatever dresses she likes? Especially since another BM agreed with her.

"Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?"

But yet you continued to ask? Clearly she didn't want to. Just because she loves to craft as and when she feels like it doesn't mean she's excited to be free labour for your wedding.

"So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry"

So you think she is lying? If you do then thats one thing, but if not why the fuck would you ask her to move a work meeting?? You have not said that she has declined to attend, just that she couldn't make the morning ride due to work and therefore had no way of getting there. Why don't you leave later so she can work and attend your bachelorette?

"But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled."

Just staaaap! None of this "oh nothing wrong with how she spends her money" except you mean how dare that bitch spent her own money on whatever she wants instead of my wedding.

There is actually more but I'm now more bored of this that I was of watching tv when I started so no more copy/pasta.

You know individually none of these things would be a big deal, but I can see how your friend would easily be able to see that she is not living up to your expectations. Your wedding is not her responsibility! She doesn't need to do a damn thing except turn up on the day. Stop expecting her to, and telling her you are "disappointed" (which is a really harsh thing to say btw, don't you remember your parents saying "we're not angry, we're disappointed" when you were a teenager? It was way worse!). Maybe if you lighten up a little she will actually want to be around you.

Maybe - just maybe - it isn't the way you are telling it. Maybe its you.

Eta: cutting down the quote tree

I know she wears her hair like that so she must comfortable if she does it! She wears her hair in various different ways..

I should've wrote.. I "openly" didnt care about the dress.. cause I didnt want to seem like a bridezilla... so I let it be! The color is all the same, which thinking now I dont think she liked the color. It just sucked that I saw them all in it and vocalized how I loved it and it was perfect...then upon ordering she looked at other dresses. Which I had also based the original dress off of her because she said she totally did not want any straps. Which the dress she ended up with had straps..

I continued to ask because maybe she was busy, I didnt think at first she was just ignoring.. but I clued in and stopped... and again I would be fine if she said no Im not into it... like acknowledge it at least?

The other two bridesmaids suspected she would bail and had talked about that privately and they told me when they found out she wasnt coming... and all think she is lying because like I said in another post where Im from the likelihood of a tax meeting (not a work meeting) being on a Saturday is VERY VERY slim... I believe it is through the government is what she is doing...so chances EVEN MORE SLIM!.
And I didn't demand it be changed I asked if it was a possibility. It wasnt a work meeting it was a meeting SHE BOOKED knowing the date of the bachelorette well before. And since it being at 11am I thought maybe she could still come so I asked thinking there was a way to make it work if the car could work. From that scenario Im bummed from the lack of care to even come or try to make it work...

I use the fillers and lavish dinners as an example. I am not "how dare that bitch spend her money." All I mean to complain about in that scenario is dont play the im broke game to the other bridesmaids...but flaunt all the expensive things. I guess saying shes broke is a nice way to say "no I dont want to"

Rewriting this all out... I feel like I expected her to give a damn, and care... after all she is my friend. I'd assume a friend would care, be excited, want to come.

Okay. I guess you are right and everyone on this site, the last site, and your bridesmaid are wrong. Don't worry about trying to have any empathy with your friends, you have a wedding to plan, amirite?! She totally wont be able to pick up on your disappointment even when you don't explicitly voice it, nor will she feel pressure from your multiple requests to diy. Most people can read between the lines. You sound like so many women I see post on these boards - as soon as their friends become a bridesmaid all of a sudden the whole friendship is seen in terms of the wedding only. I'm sure this woman has not dealt with every situation you describe in exactly the best way, but your posts suggest a really high maintenence bride.

Also, can I just add that you have two options here: 1) accept that this is how much she is willing to give to your wedding and adjust your expectations, or 2) kick her ass out and be prepared to lose the friendship completely. The decision is yours, OP.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

Rewriting this all out... I feel like I expected her to give a damn, and care... after all she is my friend. I'd assume a friend would care, be excited, want to come.

This part, in my opinion, is totally fair and understandable. You are allowed to be hurt if she doesn't seem to care about you and your friendship. And I agree, not responding is super annoying and I'd much rather just have someone tell me "no" than ghost. However, you need to stop and see if she's not showing any care for your friendship or for your wedding. Because those are two different things. She might be still a great friend and excited for you, but really not care about the wedding at all. If that's the case, let it go. The more you try to force her to care about your wedding, the more of a brideszilla you are going to come across as, which is actually not something I really get from your posts. But if you think it's more of a friendship thing, talk to her directly about it, but leave wedding-related examples out of the conversation. Hopefully your friendship will be stronger or maybe it wont. But either way you will have open communication.

levioosa · August 2016

If the majority of the hive is telling you that you fucked up...you really fucked up. You keep saying that you "don't have expectations," but you clearly do. And your other post was pretty freaking judgy and snarky. The only thing a BM is required to do is show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire. What she did with the dress was a little rude, sure. But let everything else go. You shouldn't be dictating hair anyways. It doesn't matter if you're a stylist.

This reminds me of a wedding I was in. I was really busy and in some critical classes for school. When I had time, I offered to help the bride. Then school started up again and I had zero time to breathe between two jobs and my education. One day the bride asked me for help, and when I couldn't help, she went off on me saying I never helped, and I was against supporting her. She wanted to know why I couldn't just do my homework another day (for a major exam). Um, no. That's not how friendships work. TBH, you are the one sounding like a bad friend here.

TrixieJess · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

I just dont understand how that is high maintenence wanting a bridesmaid at your bachelorette and exploring the options to make it work? And its not that she couldnt leave at the same time - its that she couldnt come at all... of course I wanted her there so naturally one would ask those questions!
Everyone around where we live knows tax meetings dont happen on Saturdays (which is the day of the bachelorette) so I thought it was weird. Plus if we knew the dates and had discussed them multiple times... wouldnt you not make that appt on that day?

I work for an accountant, yeah tax meetings happen on a Saturday if that's when the client is available.

The saying on most wedding sites is this: your wedding is only important to you.

Your BMs only job is to show up in the dress the day of the wedding, relatively sober, in good spirits.

Did you speak individually to all your BMs about their budgets? What kinds of dress they were comfortable wearing? As for hair, no, not everyone can have the same hairstyle. You are entirely discounting your friend's comfort for your vision.

As for your Bachlorette, pre-wedding parties are not a requirement, work comes first or maybe she just didn't want to go, either way, she didn't have to. As for what she spends her money on, that's none of your business. You need to ask budget and stick to it, and not require anything other than your BMs just showing up on your wedding day.

YogaSandy · August 2016

I would NEVER go camping for someone's bachelorette (not my sister, not my BFF). I would never go camping. One - I despise it with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. Two - I'm allergic to nature. Yes, you could say your friend doesn't have allergies, but that doesn't mean she would like camping. I might book a meeting the same day too, if I was feeling passive aggressive, because if I was sure I would continually get pressured and badgered into going even if I said no, it would be easier.

jacques27 · August 2016

ShoreWedding2016 said:

glasgowtolondon said:

My FI is on his stag do this weekend, so since I'm at a loose end tonight let me try to help you see what seems obvious from your post, and evidently on the other website too.

"I was originally thinking down and pulled to the side and loose and what not. She said that wouldnt work for her hair cause she has fine hair. I am a hair stylist and it is possible and I told her so! She had wanted a slicked back high ponytail."

You want her hair a certain way, fine, but lets not pretend this wasn't your friends way of letting you know she'd prefer something else. Just because it is possible, doesn't mean she feels comfortable.

And she pulls another dress saying she is trying it on and convinced one other to try it on.. and they both liked it. I was secretly devastated but never showed it or said anything. I didn't care what shoes, nails, makeup... only envisioned the hair

Which is it? You were devastated she wanted another dress than the one you picked, but you also didn't care about anything but the hair. If that's what you told her, why wouldn't she think it was okay to have a look at whatever dresses she likes? Especially since another BM agreed with her.

"Over the course of 6 months (over 6 months it was multiple times) or so I had periodically asked her if she wanted to craft. Just simple texts or messages "Want to come craft today?"

But yet you continued to ask? Clearly she didn't want to. Just because she loves to craft as and when she feels like it doesn't mean she's excited to be free labour for your wedding.

"So then a week ago she messages me telling me shes got a "super important tax meeting at 11am on the day of the bachelorette...which we are leaving that morning for a day of fun and camping. I said oh you cant change it? "no cant sorry"

So you think she is lying? If you do then thats one thing, but if not why the fuck would you ask her to move a work meeting?? You have not said that she has declined to attend, just that she couldn't make the morning ride due to work and therefore had no way of getting there. Why don't you leave later so she can work and attend your bachelorette?

"But we can choose where to put our money because she goes into the city for lavish dinners, gets fillers, etc etc. Now theres nothing wrong with how she spends her money but dont give the story of "Im so broke you shouldnt of picked methen go pay $500 to get your lips filled."

Just staaaap! None of this "oh nothing wrong with how she spends her money" except you mean how dare that bitch spent her own money on whatever she wants instead of my wedding.

There is actually more but I'm now more bored of this that I was of watching tv when I started so no more copy/pasta.

You know individually none of these things would be a big deal, but I can see how your friend would easily be able to see that she is not living up to your expectations. Your wedding is not her responsibility! She doesn't need to do a damn thing except turn up on the day. Stop expecting her to, and telling her you are "disappointed" (which is a really harsh thing to say btw, don't you remember your parents saying "we're not angry, we're disappointed" when you were a teenager? It was way worse!). Maybe if you lighten up a little she will actually want to be around you.

Maybe - just maybe - it isn't the way you are telling it. Maybe its you.

Eta: cutting down the quote tree

I know she wears her hair like that so she must comfortable if she does it! She wears her hair in various different ways..

I should've wrote.. I "openly" didnt care about the dress.. cause I didnt want to seem like a bridezilla... so I let it be! The color is all the same, which thinking now I dont think she liked the color. It just sucked that I saw them all in it and vocalized how I loved it and it was perfect...then upon ordering she looked at other dresses. Which I had also based the original dress off of her because she said she totally did not want any straps. Which the dress she ended up with had straps..

I continued to ask because maybe she was busy, I didnt think at first she was just ignoring.. but I clued in and stopped... and again I would be fine if she said no Im not into it... like acknowledge it at least?

The other two bridesmaids suspected she would bail and had talked about that privately and they told me when they found out she wasnt coming... and all think she is lying because like I said in another post where Im from the likelihood of a tax meeting (not a work meeting) being on a Saturday is VERY VERY slim... I believe it is through the government is what she is doing...so chances EVEN MORE SLIM!.
And I didn't demand it be changed I asked if it was a possibility. It wasnt a work meeting it was a meeting SHE BOOKED knowing the date of the bachelorette well before. And since it being at 11am I thought maybe she could still come so I asked thinking there was a way to make it work if the car could work. From that scenario Im bummed from the lack of care to even come or try to make it work...

I use the fillers and lavish dinners as an example. I am not "how dare that bitch spend her money." All I mean to complain about in that scenario is dont play the im broke game to the other bridesmaids...but flaunt all the expensive things. I guess saying shes broke is a nice way to say "no I dont want to"

Rewriting this all out... I feel like I expected her to give a damn, and care... after all she is my friend. I'd assume a friend would care, be excited, want to come.

So, in other words, instead of communicating like an adult, you thought that playing the "cool girl" and not saying anything would make you not a bridezilla? Because what it actually sounds like is you're not very good at communicating or seem to think that all communication where people may not happily agree is "confrontation" so you just end up silently holding it against them and being passive aggressive.

It seems like you think that people can't read subtext, body language (in person), or understand tone. Or maybe you can't and assume others can't as well? Because it's clear from the way you tell the story that she's just not that into camping and was trying to clue you into that...but you just charged ahead and made assumptions that it was either her "duty as bridesmaid" to go camping or you just didn't care she wasn't into it. And you don't have to say the words "how dare that bitch spend her money" for it to come off that way when you're clearly taking notes about how she's spending her money and judging away silently. People can pick up on that. Maybe you're not purposely standing there with a calculator, but you could have told this story without telling us about those details. If you really don't care how she spends her money, had no expectations that she spend her money on you, and were respectful of her budget, then it's irrelevant to the story. The fact that you included those details speaks volumes about what you really think about it. If we can pick up on it in your writing, I'm sure she can in person.

I'm not saying that your friend is 100% right in how she is acting and reacting and you are 100% wrong - truthfully neither of you come out of this tale smelling like a rose. There's a whole lot of passive aggressive happening between you and your friend and neither of you seem to be able to communicate. Reset your expectations (as others have already explained in great detail) and learn to communicate directly without all the silent judgment and passive aggressiveness.

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