Moms and Maids

Underwhelming bridesmaids

Hello! This may come across as being very rude or unappreciative, but bear with me. I am trying not to complain to family and wanted to get some honest feedback to appropriately digest what is going on- and to get over it because its really distracting me from enjoying wedding planning and our engagement.

I have seven bridesmaids, including my younger sister as a MOH (she is still in college and has no experience with weddings so I have taken over most of her "duties" but let her do as much as she wants with planning). My dad insisted that we pay for their dresses right off the bat. My aunt picked out matching jewelry for everyone and we purchased their jewelry together (the dresses are plain and we thought mis-matched jewelry would be distracting). We are also paying for hair/makeup, but the girls are on their own for their shoes.

No one really took the lead as far as planning my bachelorette party goes, so I planned an entire weekend getaway (in the bridesmaids' current town for their convenience)- paid for everything as well (we did go out for drinks and dinner one night and then for brunch). No one offered to pay for any of my drinks or meals or offered to "pitch" for the house or any of the food/alcohol I purchased. Two girls brought gifts and I thought that was nice.

I also had a couples shower in the city I live in (also the hometown of 4/7 bridesmaids and the other are from cities nearby- no one came (except my MOH/sister, obviously). 

I hate to seem greedy or to seem like I am paying for their things to be able to rub it in their faces, but I never received any sort of thank you or apology for not helping or anything along those lines. Am I being a bridezilla? If this is crazy on their parts, what do you recommend to "get over it"? I just feel like this is a super special time in my life and its a little underwhelming. 
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Re: Underwhelming bridesmaids

  • Sorry I did not clarify- it was a couples shower so it had groomsmen and family and friends and invites were definitely sent out. I guess where I am from, bridesmaids have more responsibilities as far as planning and duties go. I don't care about the money aspect- but not getting a thank you is a little rude. 
  • I think that the wedding industry has made brides think that their bridal party members should do things for the wedding and have 'duties'. The wedding industry is only interested in making money and is not correct.

    The bridal party is only required to show up (mostly sober or sober depending on the nature of the ceremony), in the agreed upon attire (which should be based on the lowest budget provided that you privately asked for and does not include things like jewelry/hair/makeup ... unless you pay for it and even then it is discouraged), at the agreed time (not required to get ready together) and then pose for a FEW photos.

    Some bridal party members may want to help with things or make arrangements for a shower or bachelorette party but those actions are not required.

    You are sounding like you are a bridezilla. Sit back, have a drink and remind yourself that this is an important day for you and your FI but you are the only ones who need to be excited or doing 'stuff' for your day.

    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • Your expectations are too high and you need to adjust them. 

    Nobody is obligated to throw you a bachelorette party or buy you drinks just because you're getting married. Plenty of woman (including me) don't have bachelorette parties, either because they don't want them, nobody offers, or both. They're just as married as anyone else. I understand being bummed that more of your bridesmaids weren't at the shower, but people have things going on in their lives other than your wedding, and frankly, it's a lot to expect people to travel much distance for a bridal shower. It's fantastic if they do, but you also need to accept that not everyone can or wants to take the time or expense. 

    You were not required to pay for your bridesmaids' dresses, and I'm not sure why you did or why you expect to be thanked for it. I also think it is very controlling to pick out your bridesmaids' jewelry. Hair, jewelry, makeup, and shoes are all pretty personal, and you really shouldn't be dictating them for other people. 

    Overall, it seems that you've fallen into the trap of assuming everyone is as excited about and into your wedding as you are. Well, they aren't. Stop expecting your wedding party to do anything but show up that day sober, smiling, and properly attired. Focus on the fact that you are getting married and your own excitement about it. You'll be a lot happier that way.
    image
    SP29
  • edited September 2016
    Repeat after me, OP, I chose my bridesmaid to honor them, they are not slaves or employees or "maids", they are my very closest friends and family that I couldn't imagine getting married without. They only need to show up the day of, smiling and [relatively] sober in the outfit of my choosing (within their budget, but you got that covered). Nothing else is required of them, they are free to offer whatever assistance or get together they'd like, but that's at their own discretion. I am honoring them. I am honoring them. I am honoring them."

    Then take a bath, have a drink, rub one out, go for a run, do whatever it is you do to relax and repeat "I am honoring them" until you fall asleep thinking it and wake up refreshed and ready to show your bridesmaids just how much you appreciate them and how you wish you could take back every bad thought you've thought about them that you posted here. You are not entitled to a Bachelorette party and throwing your own is AWish and inappropriate. No one is entitled to a shower, no one is entitled to envelope staffers and centerpiece makers. No one is entitled to all the other "duties" that come up in threads like these. 
    PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • And please let us kno, who threw your shower? 
  • Wow sorry, I think I take for granted that I live in a part of the country where people are nice and considerate. I was only asking for advice on how to handle this situation, not to be attacked and berated.

    Where I am from, these are common duties of bridesmaids. The bachelorette weekend was more of a way for everyone to get to know each other and was in no way an excuse to be the center of attention and demand things. And as far as "honoring them" - that's great and all, and I think of them as much as I can and try to make things easier for them (i.e. buying their dresses and scheduling things to make it easier on them). I did not demand a shower- my mother in law and sister hosted them. I also did not demand envelope staffers and centerpiece markers so I'm not really sure how either of those things got brought into this. 

    With that said, I think I will stay off these message boards and stick to my part of the world where people say thank you and are nice.
  • And pray tell, what part of the country are you from?

    We have posters here from various parts of the world, but I would say the majority span across the U.S., Canada and the British Isles. We acknowledge there are various cultures around the world and there are cultural differences to weddings, however your description of your wedding/events sounds pretty western to me, so none different than the weddings other posters have had and attended.

    I had both a bachelorette party and shower. My MOH planned my shower. My bachelorette was planned by 2 friends who were not in my WP! In both cases, they offered, I accepted, and let them plan an event they were comfortable with hosting. My MOH and BM also lived in different parts of the country, as such my MOH did not attend my bachelorette and my BM did not attend my shower; I would have thought them crazy if they said they were going to take a plane flight to attend! WP =/= party planner. Common? Sure. Required? No.

    What exactly is your WP supposed to be thanking you for? You are supposed to be thanking them for standing up for you on your wedding day.
    ernursejcharlotte989875
  • Wow sorry, I think I take for granted that I live in a part of the country where people are nice and considerate. I was only asking for advice on how to handle this situation, not to be attacked and berated.

    Where I am from, these are common duties of bridesmaids. The bachelorette weekend was more of a way for everyone to get to know each other and was in no way an excuse to be the center of attention and demand things. And as far as "honoring them" - that's great and all, and I think of them as much as I can and try to make things easier for them (i.e. buying their dresses and scheduling things to make it easier on them). I did not demand a shower- my mother in law and sister hosted them. I also did not demand envelope staffers and centerpiece markers so I'm not really sure how either of those things got brought into this. 

    With that said, I think I will stay off these message boards and stick to my part of the world where people say thank you and are nice.
    And to think that where you're from (and most of your BMs, as you'd said) where everyone says thank you, your crappyass BMs can't thank you.  Underwhelming indeed.  I'd fire them all!  

    *end sarcasm*
    your expectations are way too high. Aren't these your closest friends? Leave them alone.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • People here just want to keep you from alienating the people you've chosen to honor by asking them to stand up with you on your wedding day. If you express your feelings to them that's what will happen. If you learn from this and remember this is entirely on you and a self-created situation, you'll all be happier. 
    SP29
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So you're mad because they haven't been your bridal bitches to stuff envelopes and run errands, you are dictating every aspect of their outfit, including their hair, and because they haven't shown gratitude enough to satisfy you?  Yeah....we're the nasty ones here.  

    The only things the WP is required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding.  That's it.  They're not free labor.  They don't have to plan parties for you, decorate, plan, pay, or clean up anything.  If they offer, that's great.  But it shouldn't be expected.  And yeah, you sound like an entitled greedy bridezilla right now.  


    image
  • Wow sorry, I think I take for granted that I live in a part of the country where people are nice and considerate. I was only asking for advice on how to handle this situation, not to be attacked and berated.

    Where I am from, these are common duties of bridesmaids. The bachelorette weekend was more of a way for everyone to get to know each other and was in no way an excuse to be the center of attention and demand things. And as far as "honoring them" - that's great and all, and I think of them as much as I can and try to make things easier for them (i.e. buying their dresses and scheduling things to make it easier on them). I did not demand a shower- my mother in law and sister hosted them. I also did not demand envelope staffers and centerpiece markers so I'm not really sure how either of those things got brought into this. 

    With that said, I think I will stay off these message boards and stick to my part of the world where people say thank you and are nice.
    Really? Because you are coming across as a controlling bridezilla who is micromanaging her bridesmaids and they are trying to let you subtly know that they don't want to do things for you. 

    Your part of the world seems to have super high expectations of people that are supposed to be the nearest and dearest to you that you choose to honour by having them stand beside you in your wedding. 

    It is also extremely tacky and against etiquette to plan parties in which you are the guest of honour, so planning your own Bachlorette and Shower was a big no-no. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Wow sorry, I think I take for granted that I live in a part of the country where people are nice and considerate. I was only asking for advice on how to handle this situation, not to be attacked and berated.

    Where I am from, these are common duties of bridesmaids. The bachelorette weekend was more of a way for everyone to get to know each other and was in no way an excuse to be the center of attention and demand things. And as far as "honoring them" - that's great and all, and I think of them as much as I can and try to make things easier for them (i.e. buying their dresses and scheduling things to make it easier on them). I did not demand a shower- my mother in law and sister hosted them. I also did not demand envelope staffers and centerpiece markers so I'm not really sure how either of those things got brought into this. 

    With that said, I think I will stay off these message boards and stick to my part of the world where people say thank you and are nice.
    Common duties =/= their responsibility.

    You should honour them. They're your friends and they're honouring you by standing with you on yours and your FI's special day. Damn well thank and honour them! It doesn't even have to be huge if the budget isn't there.

    No where were you berated.

    What about those who don't have a wedding party? My coworker got married and didn't have a wedding party at all, so by the 'common duties' she would miss out. She did not. Other people stepped up and offered to host things for her.

    Drop your expectations of people lower. Even if 'your part of the world' is different, not everyone is the same.

    FWIW these ladies know what they are talking about, they are being nice and none of them have to say 'thank you' to you ..
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • Sure, it's a "super special time" for you (and hopefully the person you are marrying...)  But you realize that getting married is a one day event - it doesn't entitle you to be fairy princess for a year whom everyone must bestow upon their undying adoration, right?  And everybody else?  Just keeps on living their lives. 

    You asked them to stand beside you on your wedding day.  All the other days of the year that aren't your wedding day?  They aren't your bridesmaids - they are your friends and family (with their own lives to live).  Remember?  The people you supposedly couldn't see yourself getting married without having them by your side?  They are not required to throw you parties and buy you things leading up to that day.  Anyone (except you - you really crossed the line on the bachelorette party) can throw you a party.  If no one offers, then you just don't get one (but you can still get married - the government has no party requirements in order to get married).  And if it really wasn't a bachelorette but you wanted it to be a get-to-know-everyone party, then you rightly should have been paying for that.

    Readjust your expectations, remember that these people are your friends and family first and not your entourage, and maybe rethink bragging about how you're from a "part of the world that's nice" considering you're a) on here complaining that your friends (who are from the same part of the world as you) are unappreciative and don't say thank you so it can't be that nice there, and b) you're calling your friends ungrateful and underwhelming and complaining about them behind their backs on an easily searchable public message board, which doesn't exactly strike me as the hallmark of nice behavior.  Would your friends think it's nice if they found out you are "underwhelmed" with their performance as your unpaid entourage?  
    MCmeowSP29DrillSergeantCat
  • You know I bet she's rethinking her relationship with these people now. I think I read too much weddingbee drama for fun. But I wonder if she is currently doing mental gymnastics to see how her friendships have always been lies, looking back on hidden meanings of their words and lack of thank you's...
    Ok I'll stop. It just always astounds me when someone has an event all about them, an event about two specific people for 6-8 hours and friends give them the time and money to be a part of it and yet people like OP still find a way to make it seem like others aren't doing enough for them.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    InLoveInQueensSP29OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238
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