This is about you, not your mom. Do you, boo-boo.
Dear Prudence,
When I was a baby, my biological father committed some terrible crimes. My mother’s testimony helped convict him, and she never truly recovered from his betrayal. She fled the state to avoid court-ordered contact between his family and myself. Fast forward almost 40 years. My relationship with my mother is not very close: I resemble my biological father a great deal physically and in temperament (although I am law-abiding). I have contacted my biological father, who is still in jail. I am interested in slowly getting to know him and maybe meeting some of the family I never knew, and they are open to this as well. But I am worried that my mom will cut me off if she ever finds out. Is cultivating a relationship with the half of my family I have never known worth possibly alienating my mother?
—Long-Lost Father
Re: This is about you, not your mom. Do you, boo-boo.
I agree. Though, I think if the meetings go well and he plans to stay in contact, he should be honest with his mom and let her know what he did.
I can understand why his mom literally ran from that part of her life, but she can't change that his father/F's family are a part of HIM. And he wants to learn more about them.
I hate to be the bearer of reality but, in all likelihood, they won't become much of his life anyway. Sure, the first meeting might be great. Everyone talks a mile a minute. Catches up. But, especially if they live OOT from him, it usually dials quickly back to occasional contact via FB/e-mail. And that's an almost best case scenario.
My H is adopted. I've heard his and a lot of other adoption stories. That's usually the way it shakes out. He has three bio brothers and his bio mom. He doesn't know where two of his brothers are. He has met one bio brother and his bio mom. Bio dad died before he knew his name, but he knows it now and that is how he found out about the death.
He said it was initially neat to meet his two bio family members, but it was hardly the epiphenal (sp?), earth shattering experience that society likes to pretend it is. He kept in touch with them fairly regularly in the first few years after the meetings, but that has dwindled down to very occasional, sporadic contact.
I think I need more info b/c there's room for a lot of horrible things to go down, regardless of LW's relationship with their mother.
Even though bio-dad was an ass, MIL never denied his family access to DH and his brother. She didn't hold what ex did against the family. DH still harbors baggage from being abandoned by his dad, but had very fond memories of his grandparents. He always knew about that side of the family. That is often half the issues with kids who are adopted and/or abandoned by a parent and their family. The unknown.
While I agree with shorty+sassy that reunions are not always as great as hollywood portrays, I think they are still important.
Just this past year we found out about a first cousin who was adopted some 47 years ago. She lives in a different state (cross country from most of the family). Her mom (my aunt) is deceased, as is the father. We connect via FB. My parents and her half-brother have met her. I, along with an aunt an cousin are going next spring. My sister made her a book with pictures and details of the family. She very much appreciates it. She had/has no expectations of being super close with the family (her half-sister is BSC and she dialed into that pretty quickly). I feel like us answering her questions about her mom and the family in general is what she appreciates the most.
I would tell the OP to met the dad and the family. Do not have expectations of a Hollywood ending. Let the relationships develop as they will. Sometimes just knowing whatever it is you are looking for is good enough. Sometimes you can become the best of friends.