Chit Chat
Options

In the mood to chat...long post...

RedheadIshidaRedheadIshida member
Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
edited November 2016 in Chit Chat
Hey there, I'm Amanda.

Some of this may be repeating myself, but I figured I would blab a little bit about myself and what's going on in life and with the wedding. I'm a second time bride. I used theknot and wedding by color to plan my last wedding. I really enjoyed it. My first wedding was an emotional rollercoaster. Although the bridal party looked great, the wedding just sucked. I don't really want to get into all of it, but my old wedding gown is in my daughter's closet in the bedroom she has at her Grandmother's house. My ex MIL is actually my closest friend. She helps me raise my daughter and we are doing a great job. Her father is also a great father and he has a great girlfriend. No complaints there!

As for the upcoming wedding. I am marrying a very handsome Japanese man that I met by freak chance. Our relationship was a whirlwind at first. He is younger than I am. I am his first relationship, so he took some crappy relationship advice from his college roommates/friends and I almost just walked away. Instead, I laid it out for him that I would not be dealing with the bullsh*t, and he saw the light. Since then he has actually grown into a man and has also become a responsible father. We have a beautiful little boy together.

The hardest part about it all is that he has never held his son. We are working on immigration, since his visa ran out while I was pregnant. We are currently working on his green card and I am working on paying off a huge debt that is preventing me from getting a passport.

We have been long distance for 2 years and 6 months. It was very traumatic at first, very heart wrenching, but we have come to adapt to the situation. We use skype to have family time every day and saturday nights (for me) are date night. It's Sunday during the day in his timezone. I get to spend time with his family and he even brings me to the store with him on skype on his phone. We truly have made this work. I'm surprised we have adapted so well. 

Our plans are to get me over to Japan so we can live with his family and our son will have that time to be with all of them. It's mom, dad, grandmother, uncle and dad living in the family house. I've spent the last 2 years studying the culture and I especially love learning about the food. They love to cook! They have a huge garden and run a successful family business in construction. Both of those things support the family. 

We have decided not to have the traditional Shinto Buddhist ceremony. Instead my guy has looked into some hotels that offer everything from small to large ceremonies and receptions.

He wants to have a real wedding, but it will be very small. I would be ok with a ceremony under a tree, but I will do what I can to make this fun for him. 

There won't be any wedding related parties, just a ceremony and small reception...and then a night on the town if we aren't too tired. He is a musician, so his request is to be able to bring his guitar and play with friends at a club/bar. I'm fine with that. 

We are shooting for fall 2017 in Nagoya, Japan. If the date changes to something earlier, I'm also fine with that. I will just switch my gown to something hot weather appropriate. I love dress shopping, so whatever. :)

That's all for now, and thanks to anyone who cares to read about our stuff going on. 

Now I will jump back into the boards and post some pretty stuff. 

 <3 to you all!
«134

Re: In the mood to chat...long post...

  • Options
    Wow! What an experience for you!

    That will be a big move for you and your son- but sounds like you're immersing yourself into the culture already as much as you can. Have you learned the language yet? Just being nosy here- will your daughter be coming to live with you in Japan, or will she stay with her dad/grandmother? Will you be living in your fiances family home?

    Just something to think about (and maybe you already have), are you aware of the family culture? Will it work for you, or have you discussed possible boundaries with your fiancee and his family, particularly if you are living in their home? You don't have to answer this- it's just something that came to my mind as I know from having a FIL from Eastern Europe, that European and Asian family culture is much different from what most practice here in North America (older generations living with the younger generations or not, who takes care of who, men very much still being the head of the household).

    DH and I know that in the future his dad will likely come to live with us, but my FIL has a different way of life compared to us due to the generation and place he grew up in. Thus when he comes to live with us we would be looking at a house with separate in law suite. I also know that when/if we do have children, he will be opinionated on how they are raised (he told my SIL he hoped she would be a stay at home mom, at least until the youngest was in school full time- SIL and BIL have 2 kids, SIL did not stay at home- and of course he would never think of his son to stay at home as an option either- not that either SIL or BIL would). Definitely some things to think about and get on the same page about before they happen- there are a few things I may need to bite my tongue about ;)

    As for your wedding, coming from North America, it will definitely be unique and I am sure you can find some beautiful elements, that while maybe common there would be so unique to us over here. I hope you can post a few pictures for us when you get married. Finding a dress in Japan would also be pretty awesome.

    Keep in touch.
  • Options
    RedheadIshidaRedheadIshida member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2016
    There are certainly things that are not acceptable in his family, but we have talked about those things extensively. I want to be polite living in their home. I lived with my past in-laws and it was amazing. I've also spent a lot of time with the family on skype. We sometimes set up the laptop while they are cooking dinner and then he moves the laptop to the table so I can "eat" with them. Haha! It's fun. I've gotten to know their personalities. Grandma is such a peach. Mom is so strong and hard working. Dad is the company owner, but my guy is sort of taking over since dad's health is getting worse. My job will be to take care of the family, cleaning, cooking, gardening and mostly taking care of my son. All things that I already do by myself here at home. Honestly, it will be nice to have other people around. I have been so lonely all by myself with two children in the household to take care of. I came from a busy, big family.

    I have learned some Japanese, but I need to learn a lot more. Maybe I could work on that today. I'm actually not crazy about the language, but I'm in love with the whole family and I love adventure. I study anthropology in my free time, so this will be a great experience!

    As for the wedding, I bought a gown last weekend! I've been shopping around here and there for two years. In fact, since I got such a great deal on my dress, I am considering buying one more from the same shop. It's my local shop and this is my second wedding gown I have bought from them. 

    I thought about buying two when I was there, but my kids were getting squirmy. I figured that our date could be moved and it would be nice to have a spring/summer dress and a fall/winter dress. My dress was a steal marked down from $1,100 to $300. The other dress I am looking at is $275! Two dresses for less than $600. <3 

    I had plans to have a simple gown for a wedding in Japan and to use kimono fabric to make a long sash to mix the two cultures. Everyone approved. That was until he saw my simple dress that I had on hold and was very underwhelmed. He insisted I try on dresses that were more "grand". I had no clue that's what he wanted, but I will do that for him. 

    Since summers are so hot in Japan, he said I really should have one more and I won't complain about having two dresses. :)

    Another neat thing I have learned about Japan is that most of the venues have bridal gowns and/or kimonos to choose from! They have wonderful selections, too. The packages include almost everything you need for the day. Western style weddings are quite popular. 




  • Options
    Here's an example of a summer look. 



    We'll just have to see what happens. :)
    That is beautiful!
  • Options
    That's really exciting! I don't know if I would be brave enough to leave everything I know to go live somewhere that I've never been before. Are you going to leave your daughter behind when you move, or is she going to go with you? 

    Are you planning a trip to visit before the wedding? Not to overstep my bounds, but I would put priority on actually meeting the family in person and seeing what life would really be like over getting a second dress.

    I could be biased from my own experience. I thought my MIL was this sweet little lady after a bunch of face time and phone calls. It turns out, she's a manipulative bitch. I had to actually spend real time with her to see her true colors. 
  • Options
    vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2016
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo
  • Options
    I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I definitely have some concerns about your post. Basically everything that Starmoon stated above, but most importantly, what will happen with your daughter? If you take her, will her father be cool with that? Or are you planning on leaving her behind? Why are you moving to Japan, and not the other way around? Has he even met his son? I'm assuming not since you say he never met him - so how is he a responsible father? Did you pay off your debt? 
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

  • Options
    What's happening with your daughter? How can he be a responsible father if he has never held his son? How in 2 years have neither of you been able to save up enough for you to get a passport? Why are you abandoning your life to move to
    Japan to cook and clean and be completely financially dependent on a man you don't really know? 
    So this.    

     I'm guessing the responsible father means he financially contributes? But, then that doesn't make sense because in theory they should be able to afford a passport in those 2 years.        

    Another thing, who buys a wedding dress (maybe 2), yet can't afford a plane ticket and passport to visit?   I think someone's priorities are a little off.

    I'm also curious of the daughter?  I doubt with how close she appears to be with her ex-in-laws they are going to allow her to move to Japan.  

    Sorry, this story isn't passing a sniff test to me.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Options
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
  • Options
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    image
  • Options
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    Really?  I never knew that. 
  • Options
    kaos16 said:
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    Really?  I never knew that. 
    I just received mine but was a bit obsessive when waiting and was looking into things that can tie up your passport, others could be child support, probation or parole, warrants, mistakes on your application.
    image
  • Options
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    I missed the she says she is unable to get a passport because of debt.  

    It's my understanding that they withhold a passport if you owe $2500 in child support, $50K in back taxes (although I wasn't sure that passed yet?) or have some federal loan debt.    

    If any of the above are the reasons I'm surprised at her buying the wedding dress.  If I was in that situation, every and all funds would be devoted to getting my passport.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Options
    lyndausvi said:
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    I missed the she says she is unable to get a passport because of debt.  

    It's my understanding that they withhold a passport if you owe $2500 in child support, $50K in back taxes (although I wasn't sure that passed yet?) or have some federal loan debt.    

    If any of the above are the reasons I'm surprised at her buying the wedding dress.  If I was in that situation, every and all funds would be devoted to getting my passport.

    Welp - you learn something new everyday. I'm thankful I've never been in that situation.
  • Options
    lyndausvi said:
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    I missed the she says she is unable to get a passport because of debt.  

    It's my understanding that they withhold a passport if you owe $2500 in child support, $50K in back taxes (although I wasn't sure that passed yet?) or have some federal loan debt.    

    If any of the above are the reasons I'm surprised at her buying the wedding dress.  If I was in that situation, every and all funds would be devoted to getting my passport.
    According to Forbes, it passed quietly at the end of 2015 (HR22).
    image
  • Options
    lyndausvi said:
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    I missed the she says she is unable to get a passport because of debt.  

    It's my understanding that they withhold a passport if you owe $2500 in child support, $50K in back taxes (although I wasn't sure that passed yet?) or have some federal loan debt.    

    If any of the above are the reasons I'm surprised at her buying the wedding dress.  If I was in that situation, every and all funds would be devoted to getting my passport.
    According to Forbes, it passed quietly at the end of 2015 (HR22).
    ah.   Well I don't fall into that category, so I didn't pay attention.  :)


    So, I wonder what does the OP fall under?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Options
    lyndausvi said:
    You seem to have a very optimistic and positive outlook. I'm happy for you, your son and your fiance.  I'm also concerned, but don't know enough to put my finger on it. 

    If you lived with your past in-laws and it was amazing, what went wrong?

    I wish I were more trusting, but with your emphasis on getting two wedding dresses for less than $600 and your fascination [albeit naivete and possibly, ignorance] regarding Japanese culture, I'm wondering if you came on this site to share ideas and ask for advice or if you came on this site to peddle dresses.


    ETF typo

    Don't passports cost a couple hundred dollars tops? I'll be honest I don't really understand your story.
    Yeah, I know the IRS can hold up your passport, but you have to owe like $50k for that to happen, and I'm pretty sure if you file an appeal or have a payment plan in place they release it.
    I missed the she says she is unable to get a passport because of debt.  

    It's my understanding that they withhold a passport if you owe $2500 in child support, $50K in back taxes (although I wasn't sure that passed yet?) or have some federal loan debt.    

    If any of the above are the reasons I'm surprised at her buying the wedding dress.  If I was in that situation, every and all funds would be devoted to getting my passport.

    And a light bulb just clicked.  My H and I applied for passports back in May.  I got mine in early July.  He has never received his.  No explanation.  He sent in an inquiry in August, no response.

    I'm pretty sure he owes back child support.  I wonder if that is what happened.  Though, God forbid, anybody ever notify him of that.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I appreciate that this turned into a completely inappropriate and negative post. It shows humanities true colors.

    My daughter gets to live in two places.

    I am taking care of federal debt, which required us taking out a loan, but it didn't cover it all. 

    He is paying rent in two countries, along with other bills. So we don't have the debt paid yet because we are taking care of families in two countries.

    I am happy be a full-time mom, and I don't trust daycares, so I am fine being here at home with my children. I've been a stay at home mom for many years. 

    I am moving to Japan because it's where I belong for a while. We plan on moving back to the states when he gets a green card.

    I would be "naive" to pass up an opportunity like this, and to let our son be with his Japanese family for a while. 

    I talk about having two dresses because I enjoy talking about it. 

    This is a wedding planning community. 

    Oh, and if you want to sniff me? I wear Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Juiced Berry. 





  • Options
    I appreciate that this turned into a completely inappropriate and negative post. It shows humanities true colors.

    My daughter gets to live in two places.

    And live half a world a way from one of her parents at all times? And have two very different schools to navigate

    I am taking care of federal debt, which required us taking out a loan, but it didn't cover it all. 

    He is paying rent in two countries, along with other bills. So we don't have the debt paid yet because we are taking care of families in two countries.

    Why aren't you paying your own rent? And then he pays his rent? 

    I am happy be a full-time mom, and I don't trust daycares, so I am fine being here at home with my children. I've been a stay at home mom for many years. 

    With what money? Are you just living off child support? Maybe get a job and pay off your debt?


    I am moving to Japan because it's where I belong for a while. We plan on moving back to the states when he gets a green card.

    I would be "naive" to pass up an opportunity like this, and to let our son be with his Japanese family for a while. 

    And what if it's terrible? With what money will you move back?

    I talk about having two dresses because I enjoy talking about it. 

    This is a wedding planning community. 

    Oh, and if you want to sniff me? I wear Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Juiced Berry. 





    You want to talk about humanities true colors? Bring it. I see a community taking the time to show care and concern for a family they don't even know. 
  • Options
    I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

    I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern. ;)
  • Options

    So, you are leaving one family that you were financially dependent for another? Sounds like a great idea.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Options
    I appreciate that this turned into a completely inappropriate and negative post. It shows humanities true colors.

    My daughter gets to live in two places.

    I am taking care of federal debt, which required us taking out a loan, but it didn't cover it all. 

    He is paying rent in two countries, along with other bills. So we don't have the debt paid yet because we are taking care of families in two countries.

    I am happy be a full-time mom, and I don't trust daycares, so I am fine being here at home with my children. I've been a stay at home mom for many years. 

    I am moving to Japan because it's where I belong for a while. We plan on moving back to the states when he gets a green card.

    I would be "naive" to pass up an opportunity like this, and to let our son be with his Japanese family for a while. 

    I talk about having two dresses because I enjoy talking about it. 

    This is a wedding planning community. 

    Oh, and if you want to sniff me? I wear Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Juiced Berry. 

    No one was negative or inappropriate at all.  You chose, of your own free will, to invite us into details of your life that left some questions unanswered so they were asked.

    This is also a community that has been catfished a time or two - so when something doesn't add up, people will become doubtful of the story and poster.  And you have to admit, you have quite a story.

    I see nothing wrong with choosing to raise your son in Japan and your daughter there part time.  People make it work.  Although this is a huge financial hardship that I'm not sure either of you could bare, and it'd be rude to ask/expect the ex and his family to help with those costs (not saying you have, saying you shouldn't).  However, yes, owning two dresses when you're struggling for the passport just to get you to your wedding destination doesn't seem to be the most sound decision either, but that's yours to make.
    image
  • Options
    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2016
    I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

    I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern. ;)
    That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 
  • Options
    I appreciate that this turned into a completely inappropriate and negative post. It shows humanities true colors.

    My daughter gets to live in two places.

    I am taking care of federal debt, which required us taking out a loan, but it didn't cover it all. 

    He is paying rent in two countries, along with other bills. So we don't have the debt paid yet because we are taking care of families in two countries.

    I am happy be a full-time mom, and I don't trust daycares, so I am fine being here at home with my children. I've been a stay at home mom for many years. 

    I am moving to Japan because it's where I belong for a while. We plan on moving back to the states when he gets a green card.

    I would be "naive" to pass up an opportunity like this, and to let our son be with his Japanese family for a while. 

    I talk about having two dresses because I enjoy talking about it. 

    This is a wedding planning community. 

    Oh, and if you want to sniff me? I wear Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Juiced Berry. 








    Definitely makes sense why you thought all of the other wedding boards were too snarky. People had real concerns for you, and you got all butt hurt.  Right.  


    image
  • Options
    Have a nice day and some tea. 



    That's my true colors. I make tea for people. 
  • Options
    Have a nice day and some tea. 



    That's my true colors. I make tea for people. 
    Then you'll probably love being a housewife in a foreign country. But will your daughter love it? 
  • Options
     @Redheadlshida, how old is your daughter?  How are you acclimating her to her future life in Japan?  Is she going to be learning the language prior to going too?
  • Options
    People here raised valid concerns based on your original post. Nobody was trying to be snarky or mean, this community just happens to be blunt. You never mentioned that your daughter was going to be living in both places, therefore that was the first obvious concern from people - what will happen to your daughter? 

    So, how will you be able to pay off your debt once you move to Japan? 
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards