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artbyallie · November 2016

Bottom line: Please, PLEASE do not invite people to your wedding if they don't get to see the ceremony. That is the whole freaking point of inviting guests to your wedding, to witness your marriage. The reception is the thank you for them doing so! Embrace having the ceremony with everyone sitting at the reception tables if that is the only way to have them all there. The side-eye you may (which I doubt) get for that is nothing compared to the hurt you may (very likely!) cause by not inviting people to see you get married.

lyndausvi · November 2016

artbyallie said:

Bottom line: Please, PLEASE do not invite people to your wedding if they don't get to see the ceremony. That is the whole freaking point of inviting guests to your wedding, to witness your marriage. The reception is the thank you for them doing so! Embrace having the ceremony with everyone sitting at the reception tables if that is the only way to have them all there. The side-eye you may (which I doubt) get for that is nothing compared to the hurt you may (very likely!) cause by not inviting people to see you get married.

I'm going to disagree here a little. Inviting guests to a party that EVERYONE is hosted the same is not rude. That even includes celebrating a wedding that took place earlier in the day and you didn't get to witness. Doesn't mean you can't be disappointed for not witnessing the event, but at this point you are being invited to a party. With free food, booze and entertainment. Much like a graduation party that only a few people could actually witness, but many more come celebrate at a party later.

Hosting guests differently (like evening guests does) is wrong. Having tiered parties is wrong. Like I told the OP earlier, inviting some 80 people and not the other 120 is wrong also. But a very small, few person ceremony and then a larger party later is not against etiquette.

The key here is to host everyone the same and not have some 40 percent get to witness something the other 60 percent can't.

kimmiinthemitten · November 2016

Knottie8f6a5db42e0a0a3d said:

charlotte989875 said:

This isn't a race thing, regional maybe, but not race. If you're hosting a wedding in the UK many guests from the UK regardless of their race or ethnicity will be offended they are not invited to the ceremony. My friends and family of color would be extremely upset and offended had they not been invited to my ceremony and only to my reception.

It IS a race thing, in terms of race being linked to culture and that's very important. Etiquette is highly culturally specific. In my dad 's culture, if you take something from a friend with your left hand that's considered highly offensive.

Generally speaking TK is directed towards and largely involves a white audience. There is nothing wrong with that, but you need to remember that white people do not get to determine what amounts to appropriate behaviour for the entire world.

What is perceived as proper hosting IS NOT UNIVERSAL. In my mother's country, people don't normally even send out wedding invites, you just tell them through word of mouth.

My caribbean friends/family would be VERY offended if they were evening guests and were just invited to the bit in the evening. They wouldn't be offended over missing the ceremony. You say your 'friends and family of color,' which refers to anyone who is not white. I'm not sure how chinese, japanese, turkish, arabs, indians etc would feel about this sort of thing, but I'm not referring to them.

In general, I think the dancers would be fun and I enjoy experiencing other cultures through weddings.

However, at the end of the day if you are hosting, regardless of who is paying for what, you are responsible for your guests comfort. You have two sets of cultures to adhere to. One group would be offended if first generation family was excluded from the ceremony, and another where a family/friend split is rude. Your only option is to host everyone, for the whole thing.

I may find the dancers cool, but I would never forget that you somehow made them work but couldn't figure out a way to host me for the ceremony.

ETF: autocorrect typos

LondonLisa · November 2016

If I'm a guest at your wedding, and there are samba dancers but your reason for not inviting me to your ceremony was cost, I'm going to be hurt and upset. And to use your mum's phrase, I would think it is rude and cheap. I, and most of the guests, would be 'talking but not in a good way'.

Why are you so against renting a venue space nearby for your ceremony? You can get that easily for under £1000. Im sure that the cost of the Samba dancers. Or are you just about showing off? Tell your parents you need money for your ceremony and see if they would be willing to contribute there.

Or you can cut your guest list for your wedding and breakfast to 80 people.

Your 40/60 ceremony split is wildly innapropriate and rude.

redwoodoriginal · November 2016

I'm going to XP my replynto your other thread here, too.

Or, you could nix the samba dancers, tell your parents that you can't afford a proper venue for the amount of guests you insist on inviting and would they be willing to transfer the money for dancers to cover a corkage fee.... and voila! You have an appropriate size venue for all parts of your events and host everyone properly!

SP29 · November 2016

Samba dancers specifically are A-OK. Particularly since they are part of your culture- go for it! Unless there is a reason why some guests would find them inappropriate (my devout and conservative MIL might find their minimal outfit inappropriate, but she is not attending your wedding

), I think your guests would find it fun.

However, I would not prioritize entertainment (which is absolutely unnecessary for a wedding) over more basic things like actually inviting your guests to watch your wedding.

flantastic · November 2016

SP29 said:

Samba dancers specifically are A-OK. Particularly since they are part of your culture- go for it! Unless there is a reason why some guests would find them inappropriate (my devout and conservative MIL might find their minimal outfit inappropriate, but she is not attending your wedding ), I think your guests would find it fun.

However, I would not prioritize entertainment (which is absolutely unnecessary for a wedding) over more basic things like actually inviting your guests to watch your wedding.

Yup. Presumably I would be invited to your wedding because I care about you, not samba. I would much rather see you get married than be invited to a party with a samba performance. You and your wedding are the reason I would spend time and money to go. People care about the ceremony.

LD1970 · November 2016

The dancers are fine; they were at a wedding H & I attended last year, neither of us is from that background, and we loved it.

The tiered wedding is not, the way you're doing it. And I find it concerning that you don't mind insulting and hurting your white guests (FI's side) by not inviting a good number of them to the ceremony, only the reception... but you DO mind your side being turned off by you having a ceremony and reception in the same room.

Why is it ok to favor your side over his?

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