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Etiquette

Grooms father and Brides mother

13

Re: Grooms father and Brides mother

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jaime6166 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    levioosa said:
    But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

    This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

    It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

    I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.
    No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  
    Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

    Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.
    I agree with you, except for blaming the decision to co-buy a house on grief.  FI's mom and dad were divorced and FI's mom was married to someone else when she died.  Either way, though, it's going to be messy for sure.
    I really do appreciate everyones input here. Trust me it wasn't the ideal situation that I had hoped for. But all of the ideal relationships that i had i was miserable. Now granted I may not be completly happy with my living situation, but doesnt make me want to cancel the wedding or leave my fi or nothing. We have a time set aside to talk to his father. Explain to him how it needs to be for all of us to have a relationship with one another going forward and after the wedding. 
    So how does it need to be, exactly?  Are you guys going to pay him back all of the money he put into the house?  Equity?



  • I just want to pipe in with one thought. You have said several times that you are marrying your fiance and not his father.  But his father won't go away.  Even if he physically leaves the house, he will still be your fiance's father and from the things you have said is not likely to disappear and leave you two alone.  When you marry someone you DO marry their family.  You don't have to love or even like them but they will not be absent because you're the wife now.  I'm going to guess your fiance has a strong connection to his father at this point even if it's mostly guilt or concern and not always characterized as love.  That is not likely to move on.  You may also need to consider how you want this man's role to be in your life from now on because he will have a role in it.
    OliveOilsMomMairePoppy
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Man, what a mess. 

    After reading all of this I'm still stuck with one thought: if your FI *really* knew (cared?) how you felt about his father, he would have never pitched it to his dad, let alone given it more than a seconds thought himself. 

    Best of luck to you. 
    image
    LondonLisacowgirl8238mollybarker11Knottie1452098987
  • Viczaesar said:
    Jaime6166 said:
    Viczaesar said:
    levioosa said:
    But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

    This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

    It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

    I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.
    No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  
    Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

    Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.
    I agree with you, except for blaming the decision to co-buy a house on grief.  FI's mom and dad were divorced and FI's mom was married to someone else when she died.  Either way, though, it's going to be messy for sure.
    I really do appreciate everyones input here. Trust me it wasn't the ideal situation that I had hoped for. But all of the ideal relationships that i had i was miserable. Now granted I may not be completly happy with my living situation, but doesnt make me want to cancel the wedding or leave my fi or nothing. We have a time set aside to talk to his father. Explain to him how it needs to be for all of us to have a relationship with one another going forward and after the wedding. 
    So how does it need to be, exactly?  Are you guys going to pay him back all of the money he put into the house?  Equity?
    If we have to so be it. But truly I know my fiance doesn't look at it like that. Because he put 90k down on this house paid his dads debts so that they could get this house. His dad hasn't put anywhere close to what my FI put down into the house. (no updates, no repairs,) Once my Fiance was established and stable he took over paying the mortgage. That was when i came along his dad gives money like rent if you will.  So really in my honest opinion. He doesn't get shit. But that is my anger talking about the crap he has pulled and done to us in the last few yrs. So no in my thoughts he doesn't get shit. 
  • I guess I don't understand why he would talk to an attorney before he spoke to his father to see what his plans were. Maybe his father will move out after the wedding anyway or maybe he wants to be bought out of his share. 

    Why has your fi not said 'Dad, after the wedding we would like to live in this house alone. What are your plans?' 

    Just be prepared that a very real possibility is that the house will be sold and the money split, or you and fi will need to buy out the equity from ffil. All I can say is your fi needs to talk to his dad and see what is going on. And if it can be done fairly, out of court, you will save loads. 
    I understand that. Attorney is a close personal friend of ours. He wanted to understand if we have to go that route what the outcome could be.  There is a conversation and a time and date to have in place. Because of his father's drinking problem obviously we want him sober to have said conversation. So we shall see what happens from here. 
  • I just want to pipe in with one thought. You have said several times that you are marrying your fiance and not his father.  But his father won't go away.  Even if he physically leaves the house, he will still be your fiance's father and from the things you have said is not likely to disappear and leave you two alone.  When you marry someone you DO marry their family.  You don't have to love or even like them but they will not be absent because you're the wife now.  I'm going to guess your fiance has a strong connection to his father at this point even if it's mostly guilt or concern and not always characterized as love.  That is not likely to move on.  You may also need to consider how you want this man's role to be in your life from now on because he will have a role in it.
    Let me further clairfy it is not that i hate him i really dont. I really do not mind him for the most part. But it is him taking advantage of me and his son that piss me the fuck off.  He doesn't clean he doesn't cook he doesn't buy food. We have to ask for like "rent money" he doesn't just offer it. He makes triple what me and my Fiance do. That is not the point but he doesn't contribute anything to the household. Since i have been around he doesn't do anything, and i guess before either. He is lazy an alcoholic and i do not want that in my day to day life.  

    He is more the welcome to leave still come around hangout whenever. But go home to another home that isnt with us.  He has made it a very volatile living situation. With me having a teenage son it is not a very healthy situation for my son either. I have had to make my son turn a blind eye to a lot of the things that have gone on. Because he shouldn't be exposed to that. Now mind you his dad left for 6 months. We didn't expect him to come back he went off with some woman and we never saw him. Which was fine. Then that went south and he came back at Thanksgiving. That is when the conversation should've been had. But hind sight being for sight it didn't happen.  

    In my Fiance's defense his father isn't the easiest person to talk to or deal with. He knows how I feel it is the actions and the demeanor during drinking i can't stand. I generally like him when he is sober. (which is never)  
    I do get that he is never going to completely go away. But i need him to not be apart of our day to day lives. (meaning living under the same roof it is not healthy for any of us.)
  • Man, what a mess. 

    After reading all of this I'm still stuck with one thought: if your FI *really* knew (cared?) how you felt about his father, he would have never pitched it to his dad, let alone given it more than a seconds thought himself. 

    Best of luck to you. 
    This. A coworker married a guy who had purchased a house with his sister a few years before he met his now wife. They didn't live together before getting married, but it was made VERY clear that the sister was to leave preferably before the wedding, but at least by the time they returned from their honeymoon. Before the wedding, coworker & her now husband re-did the mortgage to include her name and remove the sister. It was not messy at all (sister ended up taking over coworkers apartment lease!). 

    TALK TO YOUR FI. This should have been worked out (or at the very least discussed) AGES ago.


    Ok we didn't think it would be that simple. But I did talk to him last night. We are going to have this conversation with his father and go from there. Because we have to do when he is sober. I think that he may have thought it may be to complicated but that sounds simpler. 
  • Jaime6166 said:  Ok we didn't think it would be that simple. But I did talk to him last night. We are going to have this conversation with his father and go from there. Because we have to do when he is sober. I think that he may have thought it may be to complicated but that sounds simpler. 
    I can't believe I neglected this in my earlier posts:  Al-Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon.

    Sober FFIL still has the brain of an addict and is never truly sober and your FI needs to learn to manage his codependency and establish boundaries.
    Umm you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. In this case stop drinking. FI doesnt drink like that niether do i. So telling him he needs to go to AA yea right. I will be better off beating my head against a brick fricking wall. 
  • So glad that there's a drama free plan in place, OP! I hope everything goes off without a hitch. Good luck!
    *********************************************************************************

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    short+sassyJaime6166
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Good for you that your fi worked things out with his dad. I hope you appreciate that dad is cooperating and not creating an ugly mess.
                       
    Jaime6166short+sassy
  • Jaime6166 said:
    **********update*********************

    I appreciate all of the input that was provided. FI and I had a conversation with his Dad on Saturday. It went really well, and he has agreed to move out on his own.  We are going to go to the bank this coming Saturday to change mortgage around. As well as getting the paperwork started for a Quitdeed. (this will transfer the deed into my name and leave my FI as well)  

    Once that is completed his dad says that hopefully before then he will find an apartment/house or something between then. He said that he can be out by no later then the 15th of Feb.  

    His dad was very good about the whole thing. He understands where we are coming from, and why this is a good thing for all involved. He also feels like he will be better off on his own. 

    So none of the worse case scenarios that were brought up by the PP didn't come up. As well as I talked to my FI. He agrees he jumped the gun on his dad walking my mother down the aisle. So he told his dad during the same conversation that will not be taking place. So I will let me mother decide who walks her down. 

    Thank you again for all of your input!
    I'm really glad everything went well and hope your FFIL keeps his word and moves out when he says he will.

    To the bolded, we can only respond to what you tell us, and according to your posts your FFIL is an alcoholic with an anger problem and an opportunist who took advantage of your FI.  I'm glad the conversation went well, but that doesn't mean that the worst case scenarios people brought up weren't warranted concerns, or even things to be concerned about going forward. He's just moving out of the house, not out of your lives.
    To the bolded I just need him out of the house, and our day to day lives. (meaning morning - night) We even told him that doesn't mean he can't come over etc. It just means that when its time to go home its time to go. He agreed, and even stated that yea this is for the best with us getting married. 
  • Jaime6166Jaime6166 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2017
    Good for you that your fi worked things out with his dad. I hope you appreciate that dad is cooperating and not creating an ugly mess.
    Yes i do appreciate that all together. He agreed that this was for the best. He said he didnt expect to live with us forever. He said until we brought it like we did he didn't really think about it too much. (eye roll). FI told him "Dad I love you, and you will always be apart of our lives. But we need to have our day to lives to ourselves. Meaning would you be willing to move out? So that "we" can have our day to day lives to ourselves? Because it is becoming hard on us, because of the severity of the situation."  

    Dad response.  Sure kid all you had to do was ask. I mean that is the least that I can do. Considering everything we have been through mush mush blah blah. (very boring weird emotional stuff left out here) ha ha 
    MairePoppy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Glad to hear that went well!
  • MobKaz said:
    Jaime6166 said:
    Jaime6166 said:
    **********update*********************

    I appreciate all of the input that was provided. FI and I had a conversation with his Dad on Saturday. It went really well, and he has agreed to move out on his own.  We are going to go to the bank this coming Saturday to change mortgage around. As well as getting the paperwork started for a Quitdeed. (this will transfer the deed into my name and leave my FI as well)  

    Once that is completed his dad says that hopefully before then he will find an apartment/house or something between then. He said that he can be out by no later then the 15th of Feb.  

    His dad was very good about the whole thing. He understands where we are coming from, and why this is a good thing for all involved. He also feels like he will be better off on his own. 

    So none of the worse case scenarios that were brought up by the PP didn't come up. As well as I talked to my FI. He agrees he jumped the gun on his dad walking my mother down the aisle. So he told his dad during the same conversation that will not be taking place. So I will let me mother decide who walks her down. 

    Thank you again for all of your input!
    I'm really glad everything went well and hope your FFIL keeps his word and moves out when he says he will.

    To the bolded, we can only respond to what you tell us, and according to your posts your FFIL is an alcoholic with an anger problem and an opportunist who took advantage of your FI.  I'm glad the conversation went well, but that doesn't mean that the worst case scenarios people brought up weren't warranted concerns, or even things to be concerned about going forward. He's just moving out of the house, not out of your lives.
    To the bolded I just need him out of the house, and our day to day lives. (meaning morning - night) We even told him that doesn't mean he can't come over etc. It just means that when its time to go home its time to go. He agreed, and even stated that yea this is for the best with us getting married. 
    My brain always skews to the downside of things.  You just might want to change the locks on the doors once FFIL moves out.  You certainly don't want a blanket invitation to "come over" turn into a situation when he shows up and lets himself in without warning.
    Yup right there with you! I will go out and purchase new locks once he has moved all of his belongings out of the house. 100% I agree with that.  He tried to ask during this conversation, about the dogs while we are on our honeymoon. Lol we stated that we have someone to come and take care of the dogs not to worry. Like sorry yes you lived here but once you are gone I do not want you staying over. 

    Like he can come for visits watch football whatever, but stay sober enough to return home. 
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