Dad Refusing to Come to my Wedding

elilik01 · March 2017

I'm getting married this October, to an amazing guy. We got engaged in December, and it's been a whirlwind with celebrating and wedding planning. However, I lost my mom 5 years ago and although this should be the most exciting time of my life, it's also bittersweet as I feel such a hole in my heart with not having her here to plan, shop, argue, laugh, and cry with during this new milestone. To make matters worse, my dad recently got engaged to a woman I despise and will be getting married in April themselves. I've come a long way in accepting that she is in his life and that they are together, but because of things she's said, her actions, and the way she controls my dad and has influenced his relationship with me in a negative way, I've decided that she will not be invited to my wedding.

I spoke about this my father multiple times, even at a family therapy session with the two of us. I've tried my best to voice my reasons, stressing that it has nothing to do with her and my feelings towards her, but more how much it hurts not having my mom here and how sad it would make me on my big day to already be hurting from missing her, then having someone in her place. No matter what i say o how I say it, my dad has said that if his soon-to-be wife isn't invited, he will not come. He came dress shopping with me before these discussions, which was special, and has stated several times how much he wants to be a part of my big day, but his actions say otherwise. It's gotten to the point where the four of us actually sat down and his GF kept pointing her finger in my face asking why she isn't invited. Family friends have tried to talk to them and explain how important it is for my dad to be there for me and how much we would both regret him not being there, and she keeps saying she's not telling him not to go...the problem is, she's also not understanding this isn't all about her and hasn't encouraged my dad to go either. I think he needs to hear that...that him coming to my wedding would be him being a parent to me, not "choosing" me over her, and that their relationship won't suffer because he chose to walk his only child down the aisle on her wedding day. She also kept hounding me to compromise but that's hard to do when my own dad gave me an ultimatum instead of compromising with me, such as saying "I'm really disappointing that you are not extending the invite to GF, but I will be there and hope you find it in your heart to change your mind or find some way to include her." The fact that she is making everything about her and the fact that he gave me that condition, makes me resent her and the situation even more.

I know it's not proper etiquette to not invite her, I know I put my dad in a difficult position, and I know that my decision could very well lead to future issues and implications on my relationship with my dad. If he really ends up not coming, I don't think I'll ever want to include him in my life again. I also feel that this isn't a family night out or holiday dinner I'm excluding her from. It's not their "big debut" as a couple or their "coming out" party...it's my wedding, and I'm asking for one day of my dads time and attention. I already have to look at one empty seat on the most important day of my life, I wish it didn't have to be two.

Any thoughts, help, advice would be appreciated. I'm so stressed and heartbroken over this.

Greenjinjo · March 2017

Invite her.

levioosa · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm getting married this October, to an amazing guy. We got engaged in December, and it's been a whirlwind with celebrating and wedding planning. However, I lost my mom 5 years ago and although this should be the most exciting time of my life, it's also bittersweet as I feel such a hole in my heart with not having her here to plan, shop, argue, laugh, and cry with during this new milestone. To make matters worse, my dad recently got engaged to a woman I despise and will be getting married in April themselves. I've come a long way in accepting that she is in his life and that they are together, but because of things she's said, her actions, and the way she controls my dad and has influenced his relationship with me in a negative way, I've decided that she will not be invited to my wedding.

I spoke about this my father multiple times, even at a family therapy session with the two of us. I've tried my best to voice my reasons, stressing that it has nothing to do with her and my feelings towards her, but more how much it hurts not having my mom here and how sad it would make me on my big day to already be hurting from missing her, then having someone in her place. No matter what i say o how I say it, my dad has said that if his soon-to-be wife isn't invited, he will not come. He came dress shopping with me before these discussions, which was special, and has stated several times how much he wants to be a part of my big day, but his actions say otherwise. It's gotten to the point where the four of us actually sat down and his GF kept pointing her finger in my face asking why she isn't invited. Family friends have tried to talk to them and explain how important it is for my dad to be there for me and how much we would both regret him not being there, and she keeps saying she's not telling him not to go...the problem is, she's also not understanding this isn't all about her and hasn't encouraged my dad to go either. I think he needs to hear that...that him coming to my wedding would be him being a parent to me, not "choosing" me over her, and that their relationship won't suffer because he chose to walk his only child down the aisle on her wedding day. She also kept hounding me to compromise but that's hard to do when my own dad gave me an ultimatum instead of compromising with me, such as saying "I'm really disappointing that you are not extending the invite to GF, but I will be there and hope you find it in your heart to change your mind or find some way to include her." The fact that she is making everything about her and the fact that he gave me that condition, makes me resent her and the situation even more.

I know it's not proper etiquette to not invite her, I know I put my dad in a difficult position, and I know that my decision could very well lead to future issues and implications on my relationship with my dad. If he really ends up not coming, I don't think I'll ever want to include him in my life again. I also feel that this isn't a family night out or holiday dinner I'm excluding her from. It's not their "big debut" as a couple or their "coming out" party...it's my wedding, and I'm asking for one day of my dads time and attention. I already have to look at one empty seat on the most important day of my life, I wish it didn't have to be two.

Any thoughts, help, advice would be appreciated. I'm so stressed and heartbroken over this.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. I know that must be incredibly difficult. However, you are in the wrong here. She is his fiancé. She gets an invite. She might not be a great person, but I see a lot of alienating coming from you, not your dad. If your dad doesn't come and you sever the relationship, that's on you. She gets an invite unless she has assaulted or committed a crime against you or another guest. You'll be the center of attention. You're the bride.

I also suggest going to a grief counselor to process your loss and your dad's upcoming remarriage. Weddings bring out a lot of emotions. It's understandable that you would be heartbroken about your mom being gone, but that doesn't give you the right to exclude your dad's fiancé.

Ro041 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm getting married this October, to an amazing guy. We got engaged in December, and it's been a whirlwind with celebrating and wedding planning. However, I lost my mom 5 years ago and although this should be the most exciting time of my life, it's also bittersweet as I feel such a hole in my heart with not having her here to plan, shop, argue, laugh, and cry with during this new milestone. To make matters worse, my dad recently got engaged to a woman I despise and will be getting married in April themselves. I've come a long way in accepting that she is in his life and that they are together, but because of things she's said, her actions, and the way she controls my dad and has influenced his relationship with me in a negative way, I've decided that she will not be invited to my wedding.

I spoke about this my father multiple times, even at a family therapy session with the two of us. I've tried my best to voice my reasons, stressing that it has nothing to do with her and my feelings towards her, but more how much it hurts not having my mom here and how sad it would make me on my big day to already be hurting from missing her, then having someone in her place. No matter what i say o how I say it, my dad has said that if his soon-to-be wife isn't invited, he will not come. He came dress shopping with me before these discussions, which was special, and has stated several times how much he wants to be a part of my big day, but his actions say otherwise. It's gotten to the point where the four of us actually sat down and his GF kept pointing her finger in my face asking why she isn't invited. Family friends have tried to talk to them and explain how important it is for my dad to be there for me and how much we would both regret him not being there, and she keeps saying she's not telling him not to go...the problem is, she's also not understanding this isn't all about her and hasn't encouraged my dad to go either. I think he needs to hear that...that him coming to my wedding would be him being a parent to me, not "choosing" me over her, and that their relationship won't suffer because he chose to walk his only child down the aisle on her wedding day. She also kept hounding me to compromise but that's hard to do when my own dad gave me an ultimatum instead of compromising with me, such as saying "I'm really disappointing that you are not extending the invite to GF, but I will be there and hope you find it in your heart to change your mind or find some way to include her." The fact that she is making everything about her and the fact that he gave me that condition, makes me resent her and the situation even more.

I know it's not proper etiquette to not invite her, I know I put my dad in a difficult position, and I know that my decision could very well lead to future issues and implications on my relationship with my dad. If he really ends up not coming, I don't think I'll ever want to include him in my life again. I also feel that this isn't a family night out or holiday dinner I'm excluding her from. It's not their "big debut" as a couple or their "coming out" party...it's my wedding, and I'm asking for one day of my dads time and attention. I already have to look at one empty seat on the most important day of my life, I wish it didn't have to be two.

Any thoughts, help, advice would be appreciated. I'm so stressed and heartbroken over this.

You need to invite her. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. But, excluding her is an incredibly hurtful thing to do. I have a lot of respect for your father for trying to talk with you and reason with you about this before just shutting you out completely. I also have a lot of respect for her for trying to do the same thing. Her presence won't make your day any less special, but it sure as hell would mean a lot to your dad.

If you don't invite her and he doesn't come, that will be on you and it will be a decision you made that potentially ends your relationship.

geebee908 · March 2017

So you don't want her there because of what she's said and done, and your perception that she's influencing your father against you. But you lied to your dad in the counseling session that it isn't his FI but that she'd be there in your mother's place. You are going about this all wrong. If you don't think your dad sees right through your lie, you are being incredibly naive.

Also, if you don't invite her and Dad's FI is saying bad things about you, you're only confirming her words by taking the low road and excluding her. Your dad is right to feel as he does and to take this action. If you really want him there you have the power to make that happen by taking the high road and inviting his SO.

Ro041 · March 2017

Also, you are getting married in October. By the time you get married, they will be husband and wife (since April). You are asking your father to leave his wife at home. She will be his legal family at that point. No - your wedding wouldn't be "big debut" or their "coming out" party - that was their wedding.

On that topic, do you plan to go to their wedding? Do you anticipate your FI being invited? Would you be offended if he wasn't? Is it because you consider him part of your family? If you answered yes to all of the above, you need to invite her, apologize profusely (blame your lack of clarity on your grief), and try best to move on and mend your relationship with your dad.

elilik01 · March 2017

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

geebee908 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

Then you've made your choice and chosen your dislike of Dad's FI over your love of your Dad. Your decision and you have to own the consequences. You only have control over your reaction to the situation and no one to blame but yourself.

Ro041 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

If that's the case, you need to change the title of your post to, "I refuse to invite my dad's wife to my wedding" and start preparing for the backlash of that decision.

I would like to point out again that she would not be there as a replacement for your mother. That's absurd. No one could (or would ever try to) replace your mother. She would be there as your father's wife and part of his family unit. She should not push your dad to go to your wedding because what you have done, while coming from a place of grief, is incredibly hurtful.

elilik01 · March 2017

I'm not saying she is there as a replacement but in black and white, yes she would be there in the place of my mom. That's not an assessment that's a fact. I would be up on the alter, looking at the seat my mother should be in, and seeing another woman there instead. I wish there was a compromise my father and I could both come up with.

Our relationship and the way the four of us go forward is definitely going to be a discussion after the wedding. However, I don't think I'm out of line by thinking he should't use my wedding to make a stand. In the end, this is my wedding, and he's my father, he shouldn't make me feel like I'm missing both mom and dad on my special day. And frankly, whether I like my dad's SO or not doesn't really matter. My wounds from losing my mother haven't healed enough yet, and I'd hope if his SO is a reasonable person, she should understand.

levioosa · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm not saying she is there as a replacement but in black and white, yes she would be there in the place of my mom. That's not an assessment that's a fact. I would be up on the alter, looking at the seat my mother should be in, and seeing another woman there instead. I wish there was a compromise my father and I could both come up with.

Our relationship and the way the four of us go forward is definitely going to be a discussion after the wedding. However, I don't think I'm out of line by thinking he should't use my wedding to make a stand. In the end, this is my wedding, and he's my father, he shouldn't make me feel like I'm missing both mom and dad on my special day. And frankly, whether I like my dad's SO or not doesn't really matter. My wounds from losing my mother haven't healed enough yet, and I'd hope if his SO is a reasonable person, she should understand.

What? "That is fact." No it's not. She isn't standing in for your mother. She is simply your father's significant other now. You need to get to a grief counselor because I promise if YOU choose not to have your father there you will regret it for the rest of your life. Things don't have to be complicated. But by refusing to process your emotions you're making them complicated. Your father seems very level headed and like he is trying to communicate in a healthy manner.

And Dad's SO isn't unreasonable for expecting to be invited to her FSDIL's wedding. That's just ridiculous. And if you said anything along the lines of "you're a replacement woman in my mother's seat" during the counseling session than it's no wonder she flew off the handle a bit. That's incredibly insulting.

lovesclimbing · March 2017

I'd really like to know what you think a compromise should be because you can't both have and not have her at the wedding.

Yes, she needs to be invited as your father's significant other and soon-to-be wife.

flantastic · March 2017

My first thought was about the "Mom's place" thing when reading, so I'm glad others have addressed it.

No one can or will fill your mom's place at your wedding. If that's a true association you have, you need to go over that more with your counselor, because it is neither logical nor true. However, I think it's an excuse you're hiding behind because you don't like her. Neither she nor your dad are making an unreasonable request for her to be invited to the wedding. If you die on this hill, the relational fallout will be yours to own.

I understand it can be so hard at times, and it's an emotional day - but if you are so focused on who is or is not sitting where you imagine your mom would be sitting that you cannot focus on how good it is to be getting to marry your FI, that's really not fair to him.

TheMostHappy15 · March 2017

To be blunt, if your dad doesn't come to your wedding it's your fault, not his, because what you are asking of him is unreasonable.

Your dad would be a bad husband if he was willing to go to a wedding (or any event) that his partner was excluded from. That is a horrible slight to the person who is supposed to be his partner and his priority from this point forward in his life. It would be one thing if he had kids who were still young- then yes, I would understand him putting them first even over his new wife. But you are an adult, and as an adult who is yourself getting married you should understand how important that bond is. When you make the commitment of marriage to someone that is saying they are your priority- not that you love them more necessarily, but that they need to be the person who comes first in your life.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother but if you are seeing your father's new wife as "replacing" her you need serious grief counseling (and there's nothing wrong with that- I'm sure in your shoes I would struggle with the exact same thing). Ultimately you are very much in the wrong in this situation, and I hope you can realize that and extend a civil invitation to you soon-to-be stepmom before you permanently damage your relationship with your father. You are putting him in an incredibly unfair position.

elilik01 · March 2017

It's really unfortunate even in typed words, people are putting words in my mouth. In general, I do not feel nor believe she is replacing my mother. BUT for someone who I don't care for or have a relationship with, to be sitting in the seat that, if circumstances were different, my mother would be sitting in, then yes she is literally in the place of my mother and as much as I appreciate and asked for the advice, what I'm reading is a lot of you telling me I shouldn't be feeling the way I am, and I'm sorry, that's not for you to say or judge.

My father began dating this woman while she was still married. She left her husband for him and their relationship has become codependent, so as brief of a background as that is, there's obvious issues on all sides. My biggest issue, is that instead of both of us finding common ground, or my dad addressing this in a way where he voiced his disappointment but helped come up with a resolution, he blatantly told me he will not attend unless she's there. To have gone through one significant loss, then to have that kind of ultimatum is very painful and only fuels the resentment.

I am open to compromise if it's a true compromise and not just me having to bend on what's supposed to be the most important day of my life (at this point in time). It's unfortunate almost all of the responses are quite judgmental without knowing the full story or extent of issues and feelings. If you have actual solid advice on how to help the situation, or ideas of how I can have my dad a part of my big day while keeping his SO to a minimum, then I appreciate it and am open.

MobKaz · March 2017

elilik01 said:

It's really unfortunate even in typed words, people are putting words in my mouth. In general, I do not feel nor believe she is replacing my mother. BUT for someone who I don't care for or have a relationship with, to be sitting in the seat that, if circumstances were different, my mother would be sitting in, then yes she is literally in the place of my mother and as much as I appreciate and asked for the advice, what I'm reading is a lot of you telling me I shouldn't be feeling the way I am, and I'm sorry, that's not for you to say or judge.

My father began dating this woman while she was still married. She left her husband for him and their relationship has become codependent, so as brief of a background as that is, there's obvious issues on all sides. My biggest issue, is that instead of both of us finding common ground, or my dad addressing this in a way where he voiced his disappointment but helped come up with a resolution, he blatantly told me he will not attend unless she's there. To have gone through one significant loss, then to have that kind of ultimatum is very painful and only fuels the resentment.

I am open to compromise if it's a true compromise and not just me having to bend on what's supposed to be the most important day of my life (at this point in time). It's unfortunate almost all of the responses are quite judgmental without knowing the full story or extent of issues and feelings. If you have actual solid advice on how to help the situation, or ideas of how I can have my dad a part of my big day while keeping his SO to a minimum, then I appreciate it and am open.

You forced his hand. He and his wife are his primary unit now, whether you like it or not, just as you and your husband will be the primary unit. Your husband will be your next of kin. Your dad and his wife are their respective next of kins. There can be no compromise. There should be no compromise. You are wrong to invite him without his wife.

You can have your dad and his wife sit at their own family table at the reception. You do not need to dine with them. Since she is clearly not the MOB, she can be seated prior to the processional, and your dad can walk you up the aisle if that is something you desire.

elilik01 · March 2017

The bottom line is this: It's my event. I'm paying for it and I can invite or not invite whomever I please. The options come with my father. He can refuse to attend unless she attends with him, but he then runs the risk of missing his only child's wedding.

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.

flantastic · March 2017

elilik01 said:

The bottom line is this: It's my event. I'm paying for it and I can invite or not invite whomever I please. The options come with my father. He can refuse to attend unless she attends with him, but he then runs the risk of missing his only child's wedding.

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.

No. When you host an event, that comes with the responsibility to include the significant others of whomever you invite. It is horribly rude to do otherwise, and your dad understands that. This makes me think I'm more correct and that the "place" thing is mostly an excuse for your childish behavior. You're trying to put this back on your dad, and it doesn't belong there. Grief is a horrible thing, but if it is so overwhelming that you cannot offer basic courtesies to the people in your life, you need to be worrying about things other than your wedding.

kwiksilver · March 2017

Nobody on this forum is going to tell you that it's ok to blatantly go against proper etiquette and manners.

It's not going to happen, nobody will condone your actions or your "it's my wedding" attitude.

I haven't spoken to my father in over 12 years because he married the woman that I found intolerable. It's a long story, but he made a series of choices that forced my hand and now we don't have a relationship. He isn't even invited to my upcoming wedding.

Know that what you are doing could land you in a similar situation. If you choose to die on this hill, you are going to very likely irreparably damage the relationship with your father. He is choosing his new wife over you, yes, that's what people do. That's how it works. I would chose my spouse over my child 100% of the time in this situation (I have two teenagers) because my life partner is more important to me than a wedding. Even the wedding of my only child.

You're being unreasonable and you're being extremely rude to put your dad in this situation in the first place. I'm sorry about your mother. Grief can make us irrational. We are trying to help you avoid making bad decisions from a place of pain.

kwiksilver · March 2017

P.S. Even though the woman my dad married was my mothers best friend for many years, and she caught them in bed together, instantaneously dissolving my parents marriage, I still invited her to my first wedding. My mother INSISTED that I invite both of them because he's my father, and she didn't hold ill will. My mother is an amazing woman, and held her head high every time she had to interact with both of them. So I promise you are capable of acting just as classy

elilik01 · March 2017

I appreciate your response and your mother sounds like a smart and strong lady.

This has just turned into a pissing contest. I understand the etiquette aspects of having to invite her, I just feel like it'll bring stress and more sadness the day of. And I don't understand why she wants to come to something she's not wanted at. I don't see her coming as supporting my dad as his partner but more to spite me as much of our relationship has been.

I know my mom would be rolling in her grave if my dad didn't come because my hate for her is stronger than my love for him...and I know the same if he decided to not come causing me to get married without either parent. As far as compromise I do hope with more communication we can come up with something. Maybe it's inviting her to the rehearsal dinner and reception, but asking they be open to my dad attending the ceremony by himself. I can't not have him there.

CMGragain · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm getting married this October, to an amazing guy. We got engaged in December, and it's been a whirlwind with celebrating and wedding planning. However, I lost my mom 5 years ago and although this should be the most exciting time of my life, it's also bittersweet as I feel such a hole in my heart with not having her here to plan, shop, argue, laugh, and cry with during this new milestone. To make matters worse, my dad recently got engaged to a woman I despise and will be getting married in April themselves. I've come a long way in accepting that she is in his life and that they are together, but because of things she's said, her actions, and the way she controls my dad and has influenced his relationship with me in a negative way, I've decided that she will not be invited to my wedding.

I spoke about this my father multiple times, even at a family therapy session with the two of us. I've tried my best to voice my reasons, stressing that it has nothing to do with her and my feelings towards her, but more how much it hurts not having my mom here and how sad it would make me on my big day to already be hurting from missing her, then having someone in her place. No matter what i say o how I say it, my dad has said that if his soon-to-be wife isn't invited, he will not come. He came dress shopping with me before these discussions, which was special, and has stated several times how much he wants to be a part of my big day, but his actions say otherwise. It's gotten to the point where the four of us actually sat down and his GF kept pointing her finger in my face asking why she isn't invited. Family friends have tried to talk to them and explain how important it is for my dad to be there for me and how much we would both regret him not being there, and she keeps saying she's not telling him not to go...the problem is, she's also not understanding this isn't all about her and hasn't encouraged my dad to go either. I think he needs to hear that...that him coming to my wedding would be him being a parent to me, not "choosing" me over her, and that their relationship won't suffer because he chose to walk his only child down the aisle on her wedding day. She also kept hounding me to compromise but that's hard to do when my own dad gave me an ultimatum instead of compromising with me, such as saying "I'm really disappointing that you are not extending the invite to GF, but I will be there and hope you find it in your heart to change your mind or find some way to include her." The fact that she is making everything about her and the fact that he gave me that condition, makes me resent her and the situation even more.

I know it's not proper etiquette to not invite her, I know I put my dad in a difficult position, and I know that my decision could very well lead to future issues and implications on my relationship with my dad. If he really ends up not coming, I don't think I'll ever want to include him in my life again. I also feel that this isn't a family night out or holiday dinner I'm excluding her from. It's not their "big debut" as a couple or their "coming out" party...it's my wedding, and I'm asking for one day of my dads time and attention. I already have to look at one empty seat on the most important day of my life, I wish it didn't have to be two.

Any thoughts, help, advice would be appreciated. I'm so stressed and heartbroken over this.

Everyone else has been really kind and sympathetic with their comments. I am going to give you a dose of reality.

You are acting like a rude, selfish brat.

Your father has every right to go on with his life after the death of his wife (your mother), and he does not need your permission or approval.

You do not have to like your future step-mother. You have to treat her with respect and politeness. By threatening to not invite her to your wedding, you are being inexcusably RUDE to her, and I applaud your father for sticking by his fiancee.

Do you really think that you are the only person who has had to watch a parent find a new relationship with someone they might not like very much? Get over it! Apologize to your father immediately and invite his fiancee, who will then be your step-mother, to your wedding when the time comes to send out the invitations. If you try to play "If you really love me, then you won't..." with your Dad, you just might LOSE! You have no right to put him in such a position.

I am someone who has had to accept more than one my parent's relationships and marriages. I was always nice to the men Mom chose. Some of them were not so nice. That was my mother's problem, not mine.

Concentrate on your own relationship with your FI, and stop meddling in your father's personal life. IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

lovesclimbing · March 2017

elilik01 said:

The bottom line is this: It's my event. I'm paying for it and I can invite or not invite whomever I please. The options come with my father. He can refuse to attend unless she attends with him, but he then runs the risk of missing his only child's wedding.

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.

Yes, it's your event, and, yes, you can invite anyone you want. No one on this forum or in your real life can stop you. BUT that does not change the fact that inviting only half of a couple (just your dad and not his soon-to-be wife) and deliberately excluding the other half is incredibly rude. It does not change the fact that you are in the wrong to not invite her, and your father is in the right to stand by his fiancée. It does not change the fact that there are consequences for decisions you make.

Again, what sort of "compromise" are you hoping for from your father? You want him to come without her, and he says he won't come without her. I don't see how there can possibly be what you would find to be a satisfactory middle ground.

kwiksilver · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I appreciate your response and your mother sounds like a smart and strong lady.

This has just turned into a pissing contest. I understand the etiquette aspects of having to invite her, I just feel like it'll bring stress and more sadness the day of. And I don't understand why she wants to come to something she's not wanted at. I don't see her coming as supporting my dad as his partner but more to spite me as much of our relationship has been.

I know my mom would be rolling in her grave if my dad didn't come because my hate for her is stronger than my love for him...and I know the same if he decided to not come causing me to get married without either parent. As far as compromise I do hope with more communication we can come up with something. Maybe it's inviting her to the rehearsal dinner and reception, but asking they be open to my dad attending the ceremony by himself. I can't not have him there.

She IS wanted there, by your dad, obviously. He's made that pretty clear.

If you can't not have him there, invite her, that's what it boils down to.

flantastic · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I appreciate your response and your mother sounds like a smart and strong lady.

This has just turned into a pissing contest. I understand the etiquette aspects of having to invite her, I just feel like it'll bring stress and more sadness the day of. And I don't understand why she wants to come to something she's not wanted at. I don't see her coming as supporting my dad as his partner but more to spite me as much of our relationship has been.

I know my mom would be rolling in her grave if my dad didn't come because my hate for her is stronger than my love for him...and I know the same if he decided to not come causing me to get married without either parent. As far as compromise I do hope with more communication we can come up with something. Maybe it's inviting her to the rehearsal dinner and reception, but asking they be open to my dad attending the ceremony by himself. I can't not have him there.

Why is "be the bigger person" not possible here? You don't know that spite is a motivation. Maybe she just wants the respect she's due as part of a social unit with your dad. Maybe she wants to be there for him as he celebrates the milestone in his family's life, since you won't be monopolizing him all ceremony or all day. You keep asking why she won't be understanding and accommodating, while you refuse to do the same. Excluding her from the ceremony isn't going to be seen by either your dad or his wife as anything but an affront to her. You'll have to greet her for 30 seconds. It's really not this big weighty thing you're trying to make it into. Invite her, or don't invite your dad. Those are your options.

CMGragain · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I appreciate your response and your mother sounds like a smart and strong lady.

This has just turned into a pissing contest. I understand the etiquette aspects of having to invite her, I just feel like it'll bring stress and more sadness the day of. And I don't understand why she wants to come to something she's not wanted at. I don't see her coming as supporting my dad as his partner but more to spite me as much of our relationship has been.

I know my mom would be rolling in her grave if my dad didn't come because my hate for her is stronger than my love for him...and I know the same if he decided to not come causing me to get married without either parent. As far as compromise I do hope with more communication we can come up with something. Maybe it's inviting her to the rehearsal dinner and reception, but asking they be open to my dad attending the ceremony by himself. I can't not have him there.

The only person who is causing this situation is YOU! You have rudely given your father the ultimatum that he cannot bring his fiancee to your wedding. He has no other choice but to decline to attend. YOU have created this situation!
YOU can end this situation by inviting your father's fiancee. The ball is in your court.

If your mother is "rolling in her grave", maybe it is because her daughter is behaving so shamefully to her father?

missJeanLouise · March 2017

I didn't read the comments because all I have to say is, Actions have consequences and the consequence of your actions is not having your dad at your wedding. He told you exactly what would happen and now you are complaining because he is standing up for himself and his wife, which he should do. You are being rude, throwing a temper tantrum about it is stupid. Your dad is in the right here.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I appreciate your response and your mother sounds like a smart and strong lady.

This has just turned into a pissing contest. I understand the etiquette aspects of having to invite her, I just feel like it'll bring stress and more sadness the day of. And I don't understand why she wants to come to something she's not wanted at. I don't see her coming as supporting my dad as his partner but more to spite me as much of our relationship has been.

I know my mom would be rolling in her grave if my dad didn't come because my hate for her is stronger than my love for him...and I know the same if he decided to not come causing me to get married without either parent. As far as compromise I do hope with more communication we can come up with something. Maybe it's inviting her to the rehearsal dinner and reception, but asking they be open to my dad attending the ceremony by himself. I can't not have him there.

OP I am sorry for the loss of your mother. However, the bolded statement is very sad. You hate this woman more than you love your father? Please look into getting some individual counseling to deal with these feelings. I'm sure you will regret if you sever your relationship with your father.

As far as your ceremony, there really is no compromise. Either your father's wife is invited and they both attend or she isn't and they don't. My parents were divorced ( I know not the same as death), and my father married the woman who broke up the marriage. She was invited to my wedding because she was my father's wife. She didn't take part in the processional, wasn't "seated" prior to the ceremony, didn't get flowers etc. It never occurred to me not to invite her but if I hadn't I know it would have caused my father to not be in my life. Over the years she was a wonderful grandmother to my children and they love her as if she were their own grandmother. Hopefully you and your father have many years of life left. Don't cut him out of those years.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

My advice? Wait to have your wedding until you've dealt with the feelings about your family; your mother's death, your father's decision to move on, and the fact that he will marry a woman who you dislike but will be your step-mother. If you are so focused on your hate for her I find it hard to believe you're actually able to properly prepare yourself and your relationship for marriage. Additionally I think you need time to see your role in all of this; your father isn't the one creating an ultimatum and forcing you to choose between having him at the wedding or not, you are forcing an ultimatum on him to decide between his wife and his child.

Its not just about what etiquette says is right; you're making a choice to force your father to choose between two of the most important people in his life. Unless she has committed some act of violence or crime against you or your guests (and no cheating on her husband with your dad doesn't count) there isn't an acceptable way to do this. And the reason these exceptions are so serious is because what you're asking him to do is that big of a deal.

elilik01 · March 2017

I believe you completely mistook what I wrote..perhaps it's how I worded it, but my whole point was, my hate for her IS NOT greater than my love for him but that's how it will look if I don't find a way to compromise with his SO's attendance...just like he doesn't wish to not be there but I'd be forcing his hand.

I literally went from not wanting her to be there in any case, to actually reading and absorbing the comments and trying to figure out how I can make sure to protect my heart and keep stress level to a minimum, as well as making sure my dad is there by bending to a degree to have her be a part of the rehearsal dinner and reception. Kicker there-- I do go to a grief counselor and a family counselor, and the family counselor is the one who suggested to my father and I, he attend the ceremony and the SO can join at the reception.

Again, it's a lot to think about and this extends way before and after my wedding, there's been a lot of communication issues and hurt all around, the wedding is just the breaking point.

There's a lot to think about while making my main focus my own self and my fiance (who has been reading these comments as well).

geebee908 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I believe you completely mistook what I wrote..perhaps it's how I worded it, but my whole point was, my hate for her IS NOT greater than my love for him but that's how it will look if I don't find a way to compromise with his SO's attendance...just like he doesn't wish to not be there but I'd be forcing his hand.

I literally went from not wanting her to be there in any case, to actually reading and absorbing the comments and trying to figure out how I can make sure to protect my heart and keep stress level to a minimum, as well as making sure my dad is there by bending to a degree to have her be a part of the rehearsal dinner and reception. Kicker there-- I do go to a grief counselor and a family counselor, and the family counselor is the one who suggested to my father and I, he attend the ceremony and the SO can join at the reception.

Again, it's a lot to think about and this extends way before and after my wedding, there's been a lot of communication issues and hurt all around, the wedding is just the breaking point.

There's a lot to think about while making my main focus my own self and my fiance (who has been reading these comments as well).

I think your father has to take the stand he's taking; he and his wife (at the time of your wedding) are a package deal now and in the future. For her to not attend any part of the festivities is a pretty egregious affront not just to her but also to him. However, it also has consequences for the future if he gives in here. What's to stop you from not inviting her for holidays and other family gatherings using the same excuses? This is a thing YOU need to get over, so switch up your approach to your counseling to help you find a way to cope with seeing another woman by your father's side.

Dad Refusing to Come to my Wedding

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