Dad Refusing to Come to my Wedding

Heffalump · March 2017

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

Nothing in your first paragraph is her fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. But it's not your father's FI's fault, and TBH, you're behaving as if it is.

The bottom line is that you're being completely unreasonable about this. How would you feel if you were excluded from an invitation that your FI received, just because the host liked his previous GF better?

Like @KwikSilver, my dad was caught cheating on my mom. They divorced, he married the other woman. They've been married now for almost as long as my parents were married, but at the time of my own wedding, it was all pretty recent. And yet, I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding her. Especially if it meant not having my own father there on my wedding day. And double especially if he had been my only surviving parent. Guests' SOs are invited, period, unless they pose some sort of risk to your guests (restraining order, sex offender, etc.).

You're sad. I get that, I really do. But as a result, you're trying to force your father to choose between his wife and his daughter, which is profoundly unkind. I'm not surprised that he's siding with his wife, since she's not the one issuing ultimatums. He probably also thought that he raised you better.

elilik01 · March 2017

Heffalump said:

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

Nothing in your first paragraph is her fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. But it's not your father's FI's fault, and TBH, you're behaving as if it is.

The bottom line is that you're being completely unreasonable about this. How would you feel if you were excluded from an invitation that your FI received, just because the host liked his previous GF better?

Like @KwikSilver, my dad was caught cheating on my mom. They divorced, he married the other woman. They've been married now for almost as long as my parents were married, but at the time of my own wedding, it was all pretty recent. And yet, I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding her. Especially if it meant not having my own father there on my wedding day. And double especially if he had been my only surviving parent. Guests' SOs are invited, period, unless they pose some sort of risk to your guests (restraining order, sex offender, etc.).

You're sad. I get that, I really do. But as a result, you're trying to force your father to choose between his wife and his daughter, which is profoundly unkind. I'm not surprised that he's siding with his wife, since she's not the one issuing ultimatums. He probably also thought that he raised you better.

Well the good thing is, i don't think he's pushing too much judgement on how he raised me as this man literally helped break up a marriage. Any high-road I try to take now will be for myself and the way my mother raised me and the fact that @KwikSilver said her mom insisted the other woman be invited to her wedding, I can make something happen for mine where my dad and I don't have to each regret him not being there. I sound like a broken record, I know I'm in the wrong and I am willing to bend so his SO is included in a capacity if that will allow my dad to come.

Side note...I don't appreciate the comparison, as I initially stated in my original post, this isn't some family or holiday dinner that occurs annually...this is my (knock on wood) one and only wedding.

geebee908 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

Heffalump said:

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

Nothing in your first paragraph is her fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. But it's not your father's FI's fault, and TBH, you're behaving as if it is.

The bottom line is that you're being completely unreasonable about this. How would you feel if you were excluded from an invitation that your FI received, just because the host liked his previous GF better?

Like @KwikSilver, my dad was caught cheating on my mom. They divorced, he married the other woman. They've been married now for almost as long as my parents were married, but at the time of my own wedding, it was all pretty recent. And yet, I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding her. Especially if it meant not having my own father there on my wedding day. And double especially if he had been my only surviving parent. Guests' SOs are invited, period, unless they pose some sort of risk to your guests (restraining order, sex offender, etc.).

You're sad. I get that, I really do. But as a result, you're trying to force your father to choose between his wife and his daughter, which is profoundly unkind. I'm not surprised that he's siding with his wife, since she's not the one issuing ultimatums. He probably also thought that he raised you better.

Well the good thing is, i don't think he's pushing too much judgement on how he raised me as this man literally helped break up a marriage. Any high-road I try to take now will be for myself and the way my mother raised me and the fact that @KwikSilver said her mom insisted the other woman be invited to her wedding, I can make something happen for mine where my dad and I don't have to each regret him not being there. I sound like a broken record, I know I'm in the wrong and I am willing to bend so his SO is included in a capacity if that will allow my dad to come.

Side note...I don't appreciate the comparison, as I initially stated in my original post, this isn't some family or holiday dinner that occurs annually...this is my (knock on wood) one and only wedding.

The point I was making is that your Dad can't really be sure you won't go down that road; he has to set the boundary now.

missfrodo · March 2017

charlotte989875 said:

My advice? Wait to have your wedding until you've dealt with the feelings about your family; your mother's death, your father's decision to move on, and the fact that he will marry a woman who you dislike but will be your step-mother. If you are so focused on your hate for her I find it hard to believe you're actually able to properly prepare yourself and your relationship for marriage. Additionally I think you need time to see your role in all of this; your father isn't the one creating an ultimatum and forcing you to choose between having him at the wedding or not, you are forcing an ultimatum on him to decide between his wife and his child.

Its not just about what etiquette says is right; you're making a choice to force your father to choose between two of the most important people in his life. Unless she has committed some act of violence or crime against you or your guests (and no cheating on her husband with your dad doesn't count) there isn't an acceptable way to do this. And the reason these exceptions are so serious is because what you're asking him to do is that big of a deal.

I wanted to say the same thing. OP, you came here looking for advice. You've been given lots of wonderful advice:

You can decide to process your grief through individual therapy. This can take weeks, months, or years--it all depends on you and finding the right counselor. Ask your PCP for a referral if you don't already have this in place. Postpone the wedding if you need to.

You can decide to not invite your dad's FI/wife, in which case your father will not attend your wedding, and you will likely not have a relationship with him after, as you will have basically given him and his wife a huge public insult by not acknowledging their relationship, and as her husband he will side with her. So ask yourself this: If you weren't getting married, would you still want to cut your father out of your life? The answer to that question should guide your actions moving forward.

You can decide to invite all your guests with their SO's, including your dad and his wife. Remember that your wedding is just one day, but the rest of your life is still ahead of you, and only YOU can decide if you want your father in your life or not. I am so sorry for your loss, but your mom won't be at your wedding, whether this woman is there or not. Even if your dad was not in a relationship with anyone, he would want to remember your wedding as a happy day, not a day to mourn for his lost wife, and likely would be upset by having an empty seat reserved next to him in her honor. It sounds like he is dealing in a healthy way with his grief: Now it's your turn to deal with yours. There is no shame in seeking help.

Heffalump · March 2017

elilik01 said:

Heffalump said:

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

Nothing in your first paragraph is her fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. But it's not your father's FI's fault, and TBH, you're behaving as if it is.

The bottom line is that you're being completely unreasonable about this. How would you feel if you were excluded from an invitation that your FI received, just because the host liked his previous GF better?

Like @KwikSilver, my dad was caught cheating on my mom. They divorced, he married the other woman. They've been married now for almost as long as my parents were married, but at the time of my own wedding, it was all pretty recent. And yet, I wouldn't have dreamed of excluding her. Especially if it meant not having my own father there on my wedding day. And double especially if he had been my only surviving parent. Guests' SOs are invited, period, unless they pose some sort of risk to your guests (restraining order, sex offender, etc.).

You're sad. I get that, I really do. But as a result, you're trying to force your father to choose between his wife and his daughter, which is profoundly unkind. I'm not surprised that he's siding with his wife, since she's not the one issuing ultimatums. He probably also thought that he raised you better.

Well the good thing is, i don't think he's pushing too much judgement on how he raised me as this man literally helped break up a marriage. Any high-road I try to take now will be for myself and the way my mother raised me and the fact that @KwikSilver said her mom insisted the other woman be invited to her wedding, I can make something happen for mine where my dad and I don't have to each regret him not being there. I sound like a broken record, I know I'm in the wrong and I am willing to bend so his SO is included in a capacity if that will allow my dad to come.

Side note...I don't appreciate the comparison, as I initially stated in my original post, this isn't some family or holiday dinner that occurs annually...this is my (knock on wood) one and only wedding.

Oh, OP. I wish I could give you a hug, seriously. I was at the point you're at when I was about 19. Yeah, we all wish that our parents were perfect and never made mistakes. But they're human, and sometimes they fuck up. I was angry about it, but with time and some additional maturity, I realized that he was still the same dad who loved me, and had raised me, and I still loved him. And while I was initially really hurt on my mother's behalf--who wants to see their own mother hurt?--after a little bit, I came to the conclusion that no one had done anything to me. My parents' relationship wasn't my business (any more than mine were theirs). I could disagree with the way that he handled things--and I did. But it wasn't my role to play judge and jury and mete out punishment, and I feel like you're stuck at that point right now.

Good people can make bad choices sometimes; it doesn't automatically make them bad people. And it sounds like your mother had already passed away by the time he started seeing his FI? I which case, even if he did "help break up a marriage," it was between his FI and her spouse (the only two people in the equation with vows), and your father and his FI.

You sound like you're so angry: with your father, with his FI, that your mother is gone. It's okay to be angry. But you can't let it wreck your life. It sounds like you're in some kind of counseling, which is encouraging. Keep at it. If it feels like you're not making progress, try a different counselor. But keep working at it, and don't let this derail your relationship with your father.

And the fact that "this isn't some family or holiday dinner that occurs annually...this is my (knock on wood) one and only wedding" makes it more important to handle this well, because you're not getting a do-over. Take however much time you need to get to a good place before you move forward with the wedding.

elilik01 · March 2017

missfrodo said:

charlotte989875 said:

My advice? Wait to have your wedding until you've dealt with the feelings about your family; your mother's death, your father's decision to move on, and the fact that he will marry a woman who you dislike but will be your step-mother. If you are so focused on your hate for her I find it hard to believe you're actually able to properly prepare yourself and your relationship for marriage. Additionally I think you need time to see your role in all of this; your father isn't the one creating an ultimatum and forcing you to choose between having him at the wedding or not, you are forcing an ultimatum on him to decide between his wife and his child.

Its not just about what etiquette says is right; you're making a choice to force your father to choose between two of the most important people in his life. Unless she has committed some act of violence or crime against you or your guests (and no cheating on her husband with your dad doesn't count) there isn't an acceptable way to do this. And the reason these exceptions are so serious is because what you're asking him to do is that big of a deal.

I wanted to say the same thing. OP, you came here looking for advice. You've been given lots of wonderful advice:

You can decide to process your grief through individual therapy. This can take weeks, months, or years--it all depends on you and finding the right counselor. Ask your PCP for a referral if you don't already have this in place. Postpone the wedding if you need to.

You can decide to not invite your dad's FI/wife, in which case your father will not attend your wedding, and you will likely not have a relationship with him after, as you will have basically given him and his wife a huge public insult by not acknowledging their relationship, and as her husband he will side with her. So ask yourself this: If you weren't getting married, would you still want to cut your father out of your life? The answer to that question should guide your actions moving forward.

You can decide to invite all your guests with their SO's, including your dad and his wife. Remember that your wedding is just one day, but the rest of your life is still ahead of you, and only YOU can decide if you want your father in your life or not. I am so sorry for your loss, but your mom won't be at your wedding, whether this woman is there or not. Even if your dad was not in a relationship with anyone, he would want to remember your wedding as a happy day, not a day to mourn for his lost wife, and likely would be upset by having an empty seat reserved next to him in her honor. It sounds like he is dealing in a healthy way with his grief: Now it's your turn to deal with yours. There is no shame in seeking help.

I am currently in therapy for grief and anxiety and have been for awhile. My father and I also see a family counselor and he's been encouraged to go to therapy himself as he never really dealt with the loss of my mother in a healthy way. As I keep stating-- the issues we have far exceed my wedding, it's just the tipping point. His relationship with his SO is very one-sided and codependent, it's not healthy and their relationship resulted in a perfect storm as he was grieving and lost, and this woman was in a loveless marriage., and coincidentally, didn't have a pot to piss in until my dad came along as his friends have pointed out. It's not for me to approve of the relationship or not...my issues stem from choices my dad made, as it went against everything he and my mother taught me. Over the last 1.5 years, he has pushed everyone and everything from his "old" life aside, including me to an extent and that's what I'm really dealing with. I'm the one trying to salvage a relationship with him, but realize the implications of I don't extend an invite to SO. Honestly, where we are in our relationship, the things he's said and done, the way his SO has treated me and him, I would be okay if he didn't come, but I say that now. I think down the road, especially if something happened to him, I would very much regret him not being there and the fact that I had ultimate control of that and chose to exclude him because of her. It's just messy. But yes, I have thought a lot about cutting him out of my before I even got engaged, to help myself and my relationship as this obviously affects my FI as well.

banana468 · March 2017

It's quite possible that your dad is not able to fully come to terms with the loss of your mom. This is awful for him too.

However ultimatums don't work well. You need to face the unfortunate reality that if you're putting your father to choose between his legally bound partner and his child, the child will lose. Please don't turn this into any kind of situation for your dad where you lose him. It sounds like you legitimately want him there - so treat her like you would any SO of your dad that you approve of. Because she deserves at least the respect of a SO.

MissKittyDanger · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm not saying she is there as a replacement but in black and white, yes she would be there in the place of my mom. That's not an assessment that's a fact. I would be up on the alter, looking at the seat my mother should be in, and seeing another woman there instead. I wish there was a compromise my father and I could both come up with.

No. She would not be there in place of your mum. If my mother remarried, he would never replace my dad. He would know this, whether I liked him or not is not the issue.

Please stop looking at it as this woman is replacing your mother. No one could, even if you liked her and had a great relationship, she won't be her.

ellamber · March 2017

This woman will never replace your mom, whether she is "sitting in her seat" or not. I'm willing to bet you would hardly notice her presence. There are so many people I wish I could not invite to my wedding, including my dad's gf that also broke up my parents marriage, but I am. Would he come without her? Probably, and I don't even know her name, but I know she exists so I'm inviting her.

Regardless of the co-dependency of the relationship, your dad deserves happiness. You deserve happiness. Having your dad there will make you happy, and having his wife there will make him happy. You have time to adjust to the idea, so don't focus on it right now outside of therapy and in a month or two you might be better able to handle it.

Ro041 · March 2017

I am puzzled about the idea of "compromise" in an invitation to a wedding. Either she is there or she isn't. If the issue is that she is literally sitting in the seat you think your mother should have been sitting in, maybe leave an empty seat for your mother? Maybe place a flower there or make a note in the program that the seat is there in her memory?

If your dad is part of the processional, your future step mother will already be seated (in a seat not reserved in your mother's memory) and you won't even have to look at her, speak to her, acknowledge her etc except for 30 seconds at the reception where you thank her for coming.

And that's the best I got.

Joney · March 2017

I'm really sorry about your mum, I can't imagine what you're going through.

My advice is to take your wedding out of this. Your feelings about being pushed aside are 100% valid, and hopefully you and your dad can overcome them together, possibly with counseling. Not inviting his SO is going to throw a huge kink in the works, though.

Now, for the compromise: be gracious and invite her. Beyond thanking her for her attendance during the reception, you don't need to interact with her. You don't need to include her in pictures, and you can seat her and your dad at the opposite side of the room. Trust me when I tell you that your focus will be on your FI during the ceremony, not who's sitting where. Unless your plan is to keep the seat empty, *someone* will be sitting there. Take your own advice and don't use your wedding to take a stand.

I know that's not the compromise you want, but all I can really say that as long as you're marrying someone whom you love deeply, her presence at your wedding is not going to impact you. Seriously, my arch nemesis could have been there and it would not have marred my joy in the slightest.

short+sassy · March 2017

I strongly advise you invite your dad's FI. Not just because it is the right thing to do, but because I think you will forever regret not having your dad at your wedding, if you don't.

You are going to have moments of sadness and loss, whether your SM is there or not. I'm sure, like many of us, you've always pictured your parents at your wedding. But life throws us curves and your mother died too young to be there. At least physically, but she will be there with you spiritually.

You have a rocky relationship with your dad, though it sounds like you both love each other and are working to make things better. You really dislike your soon-to-be SM. Perhaps with good reason. But, really and deep down, I think you're most mad at Karma. That the woman you want most in the world to be there can't, but this woman can.

I'm not discounting your feelings, but you need to find a way to overcome them/manage them. Or I think it will bring you even greater pain that your dad isn't at your wedding.

I know people are different with how they feel/perceive things, but my father was already passed when I got married. My SF was right at my mom's side. I definitely felt loss that my dad wasn't there, but my SF's presence did not in any way add to that feeling of loss. Feelings like that do not have to go hand-in-hand. You can both mourn your mother for not being there and be annoyed your SM is there because you don't like her. But, hopefully, at least find a way to not have your SM's presence add to your feelings of loss.

I know it's hard for people who have never been married to picture this. Because I was there myself not so long ago! But things that you are picturing right now as being such a big deal, are not (not referring to the loss of your mother). I was a pretty laidback bride and didn't even have any conflicts. But I look back now at my wedding planning and laugh. I was so meticulous about X,Y,Z. And agonized over decisions A,B,C.

What happened in the moment though, was I was so over the moon about marrying my soul mate that nothing else really mattered. During your vows, you will only be focused on your H. You could have 400 wedding guests and they will disappear and no longer exist during that time. We were just extraordinarily happy the whole day. We ate, we laughed and talked with our guests. If there had been a guest I didn't like, I wouldn't have spent any time with them other than to say, "Thanks for coming." NBD. As it was, I only had 35 guests at my wedding and still didn't have as much time as I would have liked to talk to everyone.

Sum up: Inviting your soon-to-be SM will be something you will regret and possibly cause irreparable harm to your relationship with your dad. Yet, if she goes to your wedding, she really won't have much impact on your day and you can largely avoid her anyway.

climbingsingle · March 2017

You have put your father in an impossible position. Try seeing things from his point of view. He lost his wife 5 years ago. He's found happiness again, and will be married next month. He then wants to celebrate the marriage of his daughter, but you want him to choose between you and his new wife. It's not right. Invite her.

TheMostHappy15 · March 2017

OP, I would advise you to stop putting so much pressure on your wedding day. We see that attitude a lot around here- that it’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life, that you should go to great lengths to avoid feeling a single bad feeling during the course of the day, that it’s okay to make selfish decisions that will alienate others (decisions that in no other circumstance would be acceptable) because this is “your day” so you should have free reign to do what you have to do in the quest for the most perfect, special day of your life.

This attitude is a recipe for disappointment and regret- and not just because you risk permanently damaging your relationships with your guests. It’s just putting too much significance and expectations on one day. We’ve had women come on here because years later they can’t get over feeling sad and disappointed about their weddings- and not because anything huge went wrong, just because it just didn’t “go the way they envisioned.” They went into it with the expectation is was going to be this incredibly blissful and fulfilling day… and that’s just too much to live up to.

I know you say your wedding is different than any holiday or other family gathering, but you would probably be happier if you learned to think of it more in those terms. A wedding is just supposed to be a fun day where you get to celebrate with your loved ones, just like any other family event. The meaningful emotional part takes place between you and FI, and no one else can come between that. The rest of it is just a party.

CMGragain · March 2017

OP, how old are you? Are you an adult?

Adults put their own feelings aside to treat other people politely. This is an absolute. There is no compromise possible that does not paint you as a completely selfish, rude woman.

Adults do not try to manipulate people by giving them "my way or the highway" choices, accompanied by emotional blackmail.

Adults understand that wedding days are days when they will be legally united with another person, not a fantasy day where their happiness is more important than other people's feelings.

You need to act like an adult and apologize to your father and his fiancee.
You need to invite them both to your wedding.
You need to understand that YOUR feelings are not the most important issue on your wedding day. Your guests feelings take precedence over yours. If you don't understand this, then you need to elope.

I am not posting this to make you feel bad. I am posting this because I think you have had enough emotional coddling, and you really need to grow up and take on adult responsibilities. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE to not invite your father's fiancee to your wedding. None!

If you think that other people won't talk about how incredibly selfish you are to not invite your father's fiancee, then you are completely wrong. People will talk about how rudely you behaved towards your father and his fiancee at your wedding, and afterwards! They will notice the absence of your new step-mother, and they will ask you embarrassing questions that will put you in a very bad light. Is that really what you want?

DrillSergeantCat · March 2017

At my wedding this past September, the only people I looked at were the officiant and my H. I promise you won't be looking at people in the audience. We usually say don't memorialize someone at your wedding, but in this case it might not be a bad idea to place a flower on the first chair on the first row and have your father and his wife sit in seats 2 and 3. ALSO, unless you switch sides your "side" is behind you in which case you won't see her at all.

CMGragain · March 2017

elilik01 said:

There was no lie. It's allowed to be both. Her presence would make me sad. Her being there in the place of my mother would make me sad. Her not pushing my dad to come no matter what makes me sad. Him willing to miss my wedding makes me sad. Her being a mother herself, and having the opportunity to see her own kids get married and not urging my father to go, makes me sad. My mom not being there makes me sad. The ultimatum my dad put on me makes me sad.

There will be no apologies on my end. I was open to a compromise until she attacked and berated me when the four of us met to discuss our issues.

I missed this post earlier
.
"Me! Me! Me! It's all about me! Never mind what other people might feel! Never mind how my own father might feel about my behavior! It's all about ME!"

That is about what I get reading this post. Ew. I'm giving up on this bride. She doesn't really want any help. She wants us to feel sorry for her. I don't.

bookmaiden17_ · March 2017

As PP have stated your SM will never replace your mom. I am so sorry that she is not there to share your day with you. I know ideas like this aren't always loved on here but you could find a way to honor your mom at your wedding from saving a seat for her or mentioning her in the program, whatever feels right to you.

InLoveInQueens · March 2017

OP, I really hope you reread this thread when you've cooled down a bit and realize that you're 100% causing this issue and the best way to "compromise" is to be the bigger person, invite your new Stepmom, and realize your dad has his own life and priorities and isn't replacing your mom.

If you don't invite her you're the one keeping your dad from attending, it's not his job to placate your tantrum and it's not his wife's job to push him to attend an event she's not welcome at and he doesn't want to go to alone. You're acting incredibly stubborn and childish here.

You have some serious growing up to do, hopefully you do it fast before you ruin your relationship with your dad permanently. Have you brought up your refusal to invite your almost-stepmom to your wedding and attempted to work out your feelings in therapy?

Would you rather see your new stepmother in a chair next to her husband, your father, or would you rather see two empty seats staring back at you where they would be? Because you aren't going to get what you want and you're going to have to decide if you want to stand your ground or be the bigger person and kill them with kindness.

I feel for you, I really do, you're obviously having a hard time coping, but you are the only one who can make this better after causing problems.

missfrodo · March 2017

short+sassy said:

I know it's hard for people who have never been married to picture this. Because I was there myself not so long ago! But things that you are picturing right now as being such a big deal, are not (not referring to the loss of your mother). I was a pretty laidback bride and didn't even have any conflicts. But I look back now at my wedding planning and laugh. I was so meticulous about X,Y,Z. And agonized over decisions A,B,C.
What happened in the moment though, was I was so over the moon about marrying my soul mate that nothing else really mattered. During your vows, you will only be focused on your H. You could have 400 wedding guests and they will disappear and no longer exist during that time. We were just extraordinarily happy the whole day. We ate, we laughed and talked with our guests. If there had been a guest I didn't like, I wouldn't have spent any time with them other than to say, "Thanks for coming." NBD. As it was, I only had 35 guests at my wedding and still didn't have as much time as I would have liked to talk to everyone.
Sum up: Inviting your soon-to-be SM will be something you will regret and possibly cause irreparable harm to your relationship with your dad. Yet, if she goes to your wedding, she really won't have much impact on your day and you can largely avoid her anyway.

YES. During the ceremony, it was just me, FI, and the minister. Even at the reception, when we were talking with people and dancing and eating, it was just a big blur of H and everyone else. If your grief is still so strong that you believe you will be focused on step-mom to the exclusion of your FI during your vows, maybe look into other ways to process it, like finding a new therapist--I saw the same therapist for over a year, and it wasn't until I hit bottom, entered group therapy, and got a new therapist that I saw results with my own mental health. If you've been seeing the same person for five years and the wounds are still fresh, it may be worth it to try something, or someone, else. I wish you the best in your recovery.

downtondiva · March 2017

OP, I'm not sure there's anything I can say that hasn't been said already, but I'd like to offer my perspective anyway.

I completely understand why you are so sad about losing your mom and not being able to share this with her, and I'm sorry you are going through that. But the thing is, you've already lost one parent. Do you really want to alienate the one you have left? I do not believe for one second that your father expects you to see his new wife as an equal to your mother in your life, or that he expects her to be treated as the mother of the bride at your wedding. No one is asking that of you. And as others have pointed out, you do not have to spend much time with this woman on your wedding day. Be polite, thank her for coming, and leave it at that. I get that your relationship with your dad is rocky right now, but you have a chance to fix that, and I truly think that if you exclude his wife from the wedding, you could be throwing away that chance for good.

Based on how you've described your father's relationship with this woman, I would have to agree that it sounds unhealthy and concerning. But your wedding should not be the ground on which that battle is fought. Obviously, including her at the wedding is not going to fix any of these problems. But not including her will almost definitely make them worse. While you absolutely need to continue working through these issues, I think you'll find it easier if you take your wedding out of the equation. This is a life problem, not a wedding problem. Don't throw away the chance to fix one by turning it into the other.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2017

elilik01 said:

I'm not saying she is there as a replacement but in black and white, yes she would be there in the place of my mom. That's not an assessment that's a fact. I would be up on the alter, looking at the seat my mother should be in, and seeing another woman there instead. I wish there was a compromise my father and I could both come up with.

Our relationship and the way the four of us go forward is definitely going to be a discussion after the wedding. However, I don't think I'm out of line by thinking he should't use my wedding to make a stand. In the end, this is my wedding, and he's my father, he shouldn't make me feel like I'm missing both mom and dad on my special day. And frankly, whether I like my dad's SO or not doesn't really matter. My wounds from losing my mother haven't healed enough yet, and I'd hope if his SO is a reasonable person, she should understand.

With all due respect, you're the one using your wedding to take a stand.

You're allowed to heal on your own time, and so is your father. It may seem unfair when you're struggling with grief, but your dad doesn't have to wait for you to heal to do so for himself.

You also don't have to like your FSM, but your father does. Yes, you lost your mother and that loss is immeasurable. But your father lost his partner. You're on the precipice of your marriage; look at your FI and imagine losing him tomorrow, 10 years from now, 30. Did it ever cross your mind that perhaps your dad was lonely and that empty seat you prefer at your wedding scares him and makes him feel even lonelier?

Apologize to your father. Invite your FSM. Find a new way to manage your grief.

MobKaz · March 2017

elilik01 said:

The bottom line is this: It's my event. I'm paying for it and I can invite or not invite whomever I please. The options come with my father. He can refuse to attend unless she attends with him, but he then runs the risk of missing his only child's wedding.

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.

Money doesn't buy you class. There are no options. It is not he who runs the risk of missing his only child's wedding. It is YOU who forces him to miss the wedding, and it is YOU who runs the risk of not having your own father attend your wedding. Do you not understand that in an attempt to avoid the feeling of loss, you are deliberately creating a second loss? This will also be a loss that cannot ever be replaced.

GBCK · March 2017

Some decisions are binary. "Invite her" "don't invite her.

Yup, that's binary. I REALLY still want to know what this alleged compromise looks like, because from where I"m reading, it looks really disingenuous to claim there's a compromise to a binary decision.

lovesclimbing · March 2017

GBCK said:

Some decisions are binary. "Invite her" "don't invite her.

Yup, that's binary. I REALLY still want to know what this alleged compromise looks like, because from where I"m reading, it looks really disingenuous to claim there's a compromise to a binary decision.

All of this. I kept asking about what compromise you want because I genuinely didn't see what kind of compromise there could possibly be, and I still don't. You may think just having her at the rehearsal and reception is a good compromise, but your father likely won't and rightfully so because it is wrong for her to be excluded from the ceremony.

Some things can be compromised on and some can't and shouldn't be. Right and wrong questions should never be compromised. You can compromise on purple or both when you want red for your wedding color and your fiancé wants blue. You can have a 100 person wedding if you want 50 people and he wants 150. If he wants chairs only for elderly people at your wedding and you want chairs for everyone, you can't compromise on only having chairs for half.

TheMostHappy15 · March 2017

I just want to reiterate- your father is not the one taking a stand, issuing an ultimatum, or refusing to be reasonable in this situation.

OP, you can do whatever you want and none of us can stop you. But please just acknowledge the truth of this statement: you father is 100% acting within the bounds of what etiquette and being a reasonable person dictate. YOU are the one who is trying to require something outside of the norm, so therefore you are the one taking a stand or issuing an ultimatum. Any impartial judge would say he is doing what he should in this situation (i.e. putting his wife's feelings before his adult child's). Please just, if you insist on doing this, acknowledge that it is all your own doing and be willing to live with the fact that you forced the situation.

artbyallie · March 2017

Her being there will only upset you if you allow it to. It doesn't sound like she has ever done anything personally to bother you. Marrying your dad doesn't count. Please find someone to talk to and invite your father's wife to your wedding. Or be petty and don't invite either of them. Inviting only one is not okay if she has not physically assaulted or threatened you.

elilik01 · March 2017

CMGragain ...You are just nasty. Nasty, nasty, nasty. I asked for advice, it was your choice to reply and to keep following. I don't want people to "feel sorry" for me, I have never been in this situation and thought I'd reach out on a wedding board. So sorry to have caused you so much anger where it sounds like your eyes are bulging out of their sockets. Perhaps if you pet your lovely little cat you can calm down a bit and go on with your day.

To everyone else that probably thinks I'm being an asshat but didn't have need to bash a stranger online, thank you for your responses, advice, and hard-truths. My dad's SO will be invited to the rehearsal dinner and reception, and that is something our family counselor came up with that my dad liked and I agreed to. Perhaps in the next few months my heart will soften to the point I will extend an invite to the ceremony as well.

What you don't know is that I have no mother to do the plannings, tastings, and shopping with. my dad has stated that he would very much like to participate but only if his GF can come, which I am not okay with or ready for. So to have her shoved own my throat at a time when I'm trying to repair a relationship with my father, isn't quit ideal. Luckily I have amazing friends, family, soon-to-be in-laws, and a fiance that are lending love, time, and support to make this a great time and process and at the end of the day, I agree with those of you who say my focus will be on my husband to be. He's my best friend and the only person that matters to me that day and the days to come will be him.

Again, thank you.

*Barbie* · March 2017

you're being a selfish twatwaffle.

you should feel lucky that your father and his FI haven't completely cut you off after your behavior.

it's been 5 years, and your dad has found happiness with his FI - you should be thankful for that. while losing a parent is devastating, losing your spouse is too. he's not replacing your mother, but he's chosen a companion that he wishes to share his life with. do you want him to be lonely and miserable for the rest of his life? if you can't respect his decision and their relationship, then by all means, don't invite her - but if you also lose your relationship with your father, then know it was at your doing, not his/theirs.

banana468 · March 2017

elilik01 said:

CMGragain ...You are just nasty. Nasty, nasty, nasty. I asked for advice, it was your choice to reply and to keep following. I don't want people to "feel sorry" for me, I have never been in this situation and thought I'd reach out on a wedding board. So sorry to have caused you so much anger where it sounds like your eyes are bulging out of their sockets. Perhaps if you pet your lovely little cat you can calm down a bit and go on with your day.

To everyone else that probably thinks I'm being an asshat but didn't have need to bash a stranger online, thank you for your responses, advice, and hard-truths. My dad's SO will be invited to the rehearsal dinner and reception, and that is something our family counselor came up with that my dad liked and I agreed to. Perhaps in the next few months my heart will soften to the point I will extend an invite to the ceremony as well.

What you don't know is that I have no mother to do the plannings, tastings, and shopping with. my dad has stated that he would very much like to participate but only if his GF can come, which I am not okay with or ready for. So to have her shoved own my throat at a time when I'm trying to repair a relationship with my father, isn't quit ideal. Luckily I have amazing friends, family, soon-to-be in-laws, and a fiance that are lending love, time, and support to make this a great time and process and at the end of the day, I agree with those of you who say my focus will be on my husband to be. He's my best friend and the only person that matters to me that day and the days to come will be him.

Again, thank you.

Perhaps in the next few months your brain will realize that your cold heart is alienating you from your dad and you need to apologize.

Until then, maybe just maybe your dad is trying to force these events because he thinks that you're acting incredibly selfish and he's showing you that he's choosing his wife over you because you're forcing his hand the other way.

Maybe if YOU stopped this awful stand he'll come around and opt for some one on one things with you.

Until you understand that you are responsible for this rift, there will be one and it won't go well.

Dad Refusing to Come to my Wedding

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