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Wedding Etiquette Forum
SWebb1985
member
Honeymoon Postcard Thank You's
Never mind. It's not worth the hassle.
Thanks ladies and stay classy!
Thanks ladies and stay classy!
Re: Honeymoon Postcard Thank You's
2) I would not wait. Send the TY now.
3) Since you're sending formal TYs now, I don't think it's faux pas to purchase the post cards on your trip and mail them when you get home. It'll be "extra" so there's no time limit on it.
In general, send the TYs as soon as possible. You can always send other things later. For example, we sent photos of us using a hammock we got from friends months after the wedding and said "thanks again!" No harm in that as long as the formal TY was sent timely.
Thank you notes should be sent out as soon as possible whenever a gift is received. The more you do now, the easier it will be after the wedding, and it shows the gift giver your gratitude. They don't care about a cute post card or picture. They want to know that you received the gift, and to be thanked for it. I personally never cash checks or use gift money until I write a thank you note. I feel like the least I can do is write the thank you before I use the gift. Plus then I don't forget to do it.
Always send out thank yous ASAP.
I've already established how honey funds are rude. They are essentially lying to your guests about where they money is going. Have a home full of stuff? Cool, don't register. The people buying your honeyfund are the same people that would have given you cash--and you would have gotten the full amount. That just makes more financial sense anyways. Great Aunt Gertrude was always going to get you a crystal bowl regardless of what kind of registry you had.
And no one wants or needs to be "included" in the honeymoon. Just....why? They attended your wedding. They were included. You're just trying to justify the honeyfund at this point.
For lurkers, asking for money (in any form and for any reason) is considered rude/against etiquette. A registry is not required for a wedding. When you want money instead of "stuff", you just don't register. When people say "where are you registered?" you say "we aren't registered, we're saving up for a house/a vacation/a car...." People get it. They know money is a good gift.
Also....if you think I am a troll you don't know how to internet properly.
And the the thing about family is....they'll always tell you they love you and your ideas to your face. I wonder if they would feel the same way if they found out they were just giving you a check for $90 instead of $100, and not an actual experience. I mean, when I give someone my hard earned money I love hearing that a portion of it went to a pointless fee that could have been avoided. But that's just me.
Emily Post is dead. Her legacy is managed by others who also shill out for the wedding industry. If you want to look into etiquette, go to it by a respected person who is still alive - like Judith Martin.
Finally, those who disagree with you aren't trolling you. That's not how trolling works.
PP have covered why Honeyfund's are rude and a bad idea. Regarding your thank you card question, I'd send thank you's asap (as you receive gifts), and then send postcards from your honeymoon destinations as you wish.
You are posting to the etiquette board. Asking for money is against etiquette. Emily Post died in 1960 after making a name for herself in actual etiquette. Know who writes for her site now? The wife of her great grandson and some great grandkids, who have all made millions on her name, but never really knew her. "Emily Post", as a brand, is now used to sell things. To the wedding industry. Which coincidentally pushes things that make money...like honeyfunds where you pay a 3% service charge. You can sometimes get good advice, but now you have to take it with a grain of salt since they've sold out.
You're absolutely right. What you have done is between you and your family. However based on what you said, it's not really defensible either. You're allowed to have that honeymoon registry but you admitted that you weren't entirely honest about how they work. Just think about that and how your family members are spending their money.
Finally, you didn't ask this but I would at least remove your name from your original post. It allows me to search for you on the internet and I would only want your wedding web page to be seen by those you know.
For that reason it IS important that proper etiquette is called out for lurkers who might be considering this or something similar. It's the etiquette board after all. It's important that lurkers know 1) if something is rude and 2) why is it rude and 3) available alternatives.
You've already done this, so the answers to your questions are easy - send the TY notes ASAP and anything else is extra gratitude, which is always appreciated. But for any lurkers still learning, they need all the information they can get.
I would also be incredibly hurt to find out you were deliberate in that action. Would it make sense to register for a place setting for 8 knowing you would only be getting 7?
ETA: @SWebb1985 said, "No, I wasn't completely honest and I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I told some of my family members that the site charged a fee but in the mix of planning a wedding, I honestly wasn't sure how to handle exposing the honeyfund fee to everyone. So I just left it alone."
The fact that you worried about exposing this fee to guests indicates that on some level you already had to realize that this was not a great idea.
My issue with a honeyfund is that no one would ever be okay with paying for a set of 12 plates at the department store and then the department store only sending you home with 11. Why would anyone be okay with that logic applied to money?
PPs have the TY etiquette covered.
OP, PPs are right: if you didn't "need" physical gifts, the solution was to not register, not to register for cash. This always kills me: you don't "need" a trip to Rhodes (which does sound lovely) any more than you "need" a dozen place settings of china. You were sneaky, and you need to own that so you can avoid a repeat in the future.
OP - you aren't the first bride to have bought all the pots and pans you need before you get married. My FI and I have lived together for years and when I want something nice for the house, I buy it. There is nothing unique about your situation. We made a small registry and our guests know we don't need stuff (so they will get the hint that we probably prefer cash). Oh and we booked our honeymoon that we paid for ourselves that was within our budget we set.
As to your original question, it's good etiquette to send thank you notes and acknowledge someone's gift when it is received. If you sent a $100 check, would you pissed if the couple cashed it and didn't acknowledge your generosity for 8 weeks? Probably.
I definitely hear what you are saying! To me, it is another big problem with honeyfund sites. I like the idea of giving the gift of an experience. And I'm sure there are some, maybe even a lot of couples, who actually go on whatever excursion it is that a guest paid for. However, they don't necessarily have to. They might not even go on a honeymoon at all.
There's just too much deception going on with honeyfunds. They're dollied up websites to "look" like a guest isn't literally just giving the couple money. And fees subtracted from gifts that guests may not be aware of.
While PPs are right that it is considered rude to register for money, I personally wouldn't mind the honeyfund sites as much if they had a big disclaimer where the gift is made that said something to the effect of "we'll be sending X and X a monetary gift equal to the value of Y event...with our Z% taken out." But, of course, they would never do that.
Because then I, as a guest would say, "Oh! They want to go snorkeling while they are in Bora Bora. That will be $137. I'll just round that up and send them a check for $140...and, meh, knowing/accepting they might not go snorkeling with it after all."
This is no offense to the OP, just giving my opinion of why I side-eye honeyfund sites. Though my side-eye is heavier for the sites themselves.
But guess what..if people want to give you an excursion or experience on your honeymoon, then they will do just that. They don't need a honeyfund account to facilitate it. One of my cousins asked me last weekend where we were staying on our honeymoon and details about the reservation so that he could call the hotel and arrange something special for us (of course I told him this wasn't necessary and we didn't expect it but I gave him the info if he chooses to do that then it will be very generous of him). When my best friend got married, I asked her for her honeymoon hotel info so that I could set something up for her as well.
Point is that if you can't afford the honeymoon you are listing on your honeyfund, then you shouldn't be taking it. That is so incredibly rude that some people would set these up and then not even take the trip. If you are truly doing it only for the excursions, then some guests may gift you these excursions on their own. And other guests may give you cash, which you would be free to use on said excursions. Excursions are usually a small portion of the total trip expenses.