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Dogs Not Allowed On Bed

short+sassyshort+sassy member
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in Wedding Woes
I love my boyfriend and I love dogs, but not on my bed. He has two huge dogs that he sleeps with, and if I stay over I always end up getting crowded out to the couch or accidentally pushing a dog off the bed. And I have to remind him to put them out of the room when we have sex. He doesn’t care. He usually spends the night at my house, but we are talking about him moving in as his rent is going up. I have a nice home with nice furniture: My dog is trained not to get up on them. My boyfriend gets upset when I tell him we need to train his dogs. We argue about it because I want to do it now before he moves in, and he says he doesn’t have time right now and we can do it later. His lease ends in two months. What should I do? It feels like a stupid point to pause our relationship over but it bugs me that he wouldn’t do this small act for me.
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Re: Dogs Not Allowed On Bed

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yea, doing it "later" is never gonna happen. Even two months is hardly enough time to retrain a dog. 

    Someone being unwilling to train pets would be a deal breaker for me. Especially when the dogs take precedence over her!!!
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  • LulawifeLulawife member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't think this makes the dogs untrained, it just makes them allowed in/on places where she does not allow her dogs. My dogs are fully trained but they are allowed on our bed and couches because that is our preference. The real issue I see is their differing opinions on how to raise pets (which is a big deal to a lot of people) and their unwillingness to compromise. I would say the relationship is serious if they are talking about moving in together so if she doesn't like that he puts the dogs' comfort before her comfort, I'd be moving on. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Although I'm really sympathetic to the b/f, but people come first.

    My dog sleeps at the foot of our bed.  She is a serious FOMO and would be heartbroken if we banned her from our bedroom.  I would be sad too, because I play with her for a few minutes every morning when my alarm goes off and it starts my day off brighter.

    But, if something happened and my H couldn't be in the bedroom at the same time as our dog, I choose my H.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is an odd issue.

    In my house, we never taught our cats not to get on couch or in bedroom. However at a friend's place, their cat is only allowed on certain parts of the couch and doesn't go in the room.

    My cat wakes me in the morning, and friend has said "oh if you train them not to go in bedroom, that wouldn't happen."
    I have explained my cat has weird door anxiety and hates them being closed. On top of the fact he's now 11 - you can't train older animals well.


    My point is that maybe the dogs are too old to retrain? LW might have to accept this. Or find a compromise.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    MissKittyDanger said:

    This is an odd issue.

    In my house, we never taught our cats not to get on couch or in bedroom. However at a friend's place, their cat is only allowed on certain parts of the couch and doesn't go in the room.

    My cat wakes me in the morning, and friend has said "oh if you train them not to go in bedroom, that wouldn't happen."
    I have explained my cat has weird door anxiety and hates them being closed. On top of the fact he's now 11 - you can't train older animals well.


    My point is that maybe the dogs are too old to retrain? LW might have to accept this. Or find a compromise.


    I wondered if there is a second bedroom in the LW's house.  Where they could put a bed just for the dogs.  Or where her b/f could sleep.  Many couples sleep in different beds for a host of reasons, but I know some people would also think that's a deal breaker.
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  • ellamberellamber member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    When my FI moved in he wanted my dog to quit sleeping on the bed too. I had her sleeping there because she kept my feet warm, and she was my only company. His compromise is that she has to sleep on my side (shes not little) and I suffer a little bit each night. He's taught his dog to sleep on a bed in our room, so we both kind of get what we want.
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Toothless was a bed dog, and that was because we lost the re-training battle.  The dog was stubborn as hell.  I never wanted him to be a bed-dog when I rescued him, but I have never met any living creature that can triple its body weight when it doesn't want to be moved.  It was like a super-power this dog had, and it got even worse when DH entered the scene.

    We tried, though.  We bought the comfiest bed for him and raised it so he could still sleep next to me.  After he fell out if it a couple times, he was right back to sleeping on the bed with us.  Between us, this time, so he couldn't fall out again.

    But the difference here is that I did try to train Toothless, and DH and I worked hard to train him.  And we managed to get him to start the night on his bed, but the moment we fell asleep, he was right back between us.  I think if he had been younger when I rescued him, and if the first half of his life hadn't been so full of neglect and abuse, things would have been different.

    None of this is particularly relevant to LW, but I do agree the BF needs to make an effort.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
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  • kwiksilverkwiksilver member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I love animals, and so does my FH, but also he's mildly allergic.  We have 2 cats and have had a dog (and are getting a dog again in the fall).  The cats are allowed on the couch, but get locked out of our room at night.  The dog slept in our room at night (on it's own bed) but wasn't allowed on the couch.  Basically no animals in the bed because it's too hard on FH's allergies when he has to sleep among the dander (and I also compulsively vacuum our couch with a pet-filter vacuum, so that helps there).  I would also definitely not want to share a bed with a couple of large dogs, so I can feel for the GF.

    However, she is going to have to come up with an agreeable solution with her BF, like yesterday.  He should absolutely NOT move in until they have discussed and *agreed* on a solution that makes both of them happy.
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  • SubwaylovesSubwayloves member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly I think that could have been a deal breaker for me. It's a bit different because I've always had small dogs (less than 10 lbs small), but they have all always slept in bed with me. Luckily H grew up the same way, so it was never an issue, and it's really not something I've ever had to think about. If I had a dog for years and it had always slept in bed with me, there's no way I'd make it start sleeping somewhere else because I started dating/moved in with someone. I think this is something that definitely needs to be resolved before moving in together, and could potentially be a compatability deal breaker if both feel strongly about this and aren't willing to compromise. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I could have written this letter. Almost. My H has a 90 lb boxer. He had his own couch at H's house. We don't have room for a second couch, so we bought him a dog bed. He used to sleep with H and I hated sleeping there because I always woke up with dog hair in my eyes, nose, and mouth. I've broken him of sleeping in bed with us and the compromise for the couch is that I put a sheet on the couch while we're gone and I pull it up to sit on it. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    We always let our puggle up on the couch (he's 11), but our last bullmastiff (she passed away almost 3 years ago) never got up on the couch once she was full size. Our current bullmastiff (2yo) has always been up on the couches - she'll get down when we tell her to, but we usually let her up there. DK initially wanted to let the puggle on the bed, but i couldn't sleep with him up there, so he was moved to the floor, and eventually out of our bedroom. we did that when he was a puppy, so he's used to it. 

    Since I found out that I'm allergic to the dogs (I definitely notice it, but I deal because I love them, they are only allowed on the first floor of the house - that way our bedroom stays mostly dog-hair/dander free. It's a pretty reasonable compromise. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    edited May 2017
    When I started dating my H, he mentioned having my dog start sleeping on the floor. And I was not open to doing it. At that point, I'd already had her for 3 years, and she'd been sleeping next to me for all of those years. There was no way I was going to kick her out of my bed. 

    And yes, my dog is allowed on furniture. It doesn't mean she's not trained or that I can't have nice things. I just keep blankets covering the couches she lays on. 

    Also, now we have a king size bed and my H happily cuddles with my dog every night (she sleeps in between us). 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Ro041 said:

    I am in the boat with @Subwayloves

    My ex-FI once told me, "When Old Dog and Older Dog die, I don't think we should ever have dogs on the bed again."  Both were my senior chihuahuas who had been sleeping in bed with me for 8 years at that point.  I had a literal panic attack at the idea that I would not be able to cuddle a dog in bed for the rest of my life once those two passed.  I know how crazy that might sound to some, but it's true.  I told him it was a deal breaker for me and we talked about it.

    I don't think that anyone who changes their pets sleeping arrangements is a bad pet owner.  But I also don't think that it is automatic that humans deserve more deference than pets.  The fact is that the couple needs to talk about it and come to an understanding (no matter what it is) and stick to it.  

    Side note - FI and I have a king size bed with a million dogs in it.   <3<3


    I have been shopping for a CA king sized bed, JUST so I have more room to stretch my legs.  My "enormous" 20 lb. terrier sleeps at the end of my side of the bed.  Because I'm only 5'0" as opposed to my H's 5'11" frame.

    The cat sleeps on our bed also, but doesn't stay there all night and will usually fit herself above my H's head, lol.  We've noticed she spends a lot more time with us in bed when it is wintertime and colder.  And on our laps for that matter!  She'll even deign to let the dog's back half actually TOUCH her back half.  Normally that's fodder for a "swatting" incident.

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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Leave him sleep with the dogs - it's a deal breaker for her...  He's choosing the dogs to sleep with over her.  She needs to take the hint...  (if she's offering to train them and he's resistant to the idea, "being too busy" is a BS excuse, that writing is on the wall and the flag is about to be raised...
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Ro041 said:

    I am in the boat with @Subwayloves

    My ex-FI once told me, "When Old Dog and Older Dog die, I don't think we should ever have dogs on the bed again."  Both were my senior chihuahuas who had been sleeping in bed with me for 8 years at that point.  I had a literal panic attack at the idea that I would not be able to cuddle a dog in bed for the rest of my life once those two passed.  I know how crazy that might sound to some, but it's true.  I told him it was a deal breaker for me and we talked about it.

    I don't think that anyone who changes their pets sleeping arrangements is a bad pet owner.  But I also don't think that it is automatic that humans deserve more deference than pets.  The fact is that the couple needs to talk about it and come to an understanding (no matter what it is) and stick to it.  

    Side note - FI and I have a king size bed with a million dogs in it.   <3<3


    I mean I'm with you, and I love, love, love my pets; but H said pets on the bed were a huge problem for him. I guess I do think humans deserve more deference here. 

    And  I feel bad for my cat; she went from sleeping on the bed to moving into a new place where she wasn't allowed in the bedroom at all. But when H is out of town she's sleeps on the bed and I do extra laundry, she's allowed to snuggle on the couch, and she sleeps on the guest bed. But we compromise as much as possible with this; no pets (either of them) on the bed, but they can be on the couch (which we cover with blankets they snuggle in). 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Ro041 said:

    I also don't think that it is automatic that humans deserve more deference than pets.  


    See, this statement doesn't jive with me. H comes before all of my pets, no matter what. I love pets. But, for me, H DOES automatically deserve more deference than my dog. Absolutely.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:



    Ro041 said:


    I also don't think that it is automatic that humans deserve more deference than pets.  




    See, this statement doesn't jive with me. H comes before all of my pets, no matter what. I love pets. But, for me, H DOES automatically deserve more deference than my dog. Absolutely.


    With me too.

    There's a hierarchy of the species.      I didn't enter into my relationship owning any pets so there was no conflict but the people in my home come before any pet. 
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    levioosa said:


    Ditto. We love kitten, but if she is being an annoying shit we kick her out of the room. She will be just as comfortable on the couch or chair, and she doesn't have to work the next day. We do. Animals are fantastic, but they're not people. IMO there's a huge difference between an SO saying "I should come first and you need to make your indoor cat an outdoor cat because I don't like cats" and "I love Sprinkles, but I'm not sleeping well when he's in the bed. Can we train him to sleep next to us on a doggy bed on the floor?"

    Im team no dogs in bed. Kitten takes up enough space and she's really tiny. She also doesn't smell like dogs do. I would be so poor if I bathed dogs often enough to feel comfortable with them being in/on the bed. 


    100% this. Every word. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Nope.  

    Look, my dogs have been with me through some serious shit.  Zelda bitching at me to get out of bed is one of the only things that got me out of bed some days during my divorce.  My one fear in my divorce was that exH would try and take my dogs.  They're part of the "Varuna" package.  If I was dating someone that didn't like that part of the package, it's a deal breaker.  

    I'd be willing to compromise to some parts, but this woman is being all sorts of judgey basically about how much better her dogs are than his b/c her's do what she wants and his are cramping her style.  It's not like they're biting her.  And this isn't her husband, it's her boyfriend.  This just stinks of "my way or the highway" and if someone did that to me over my dogs, it's easily the highway.  There are more than 4 people to date...there are not other Zeldas and Bennetts.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
     I think @MesmrEwe hit the nail on the head. I love my dog and he sleeps in bed with us but that was as much of a DH decision as mine. I might have kicked the dog out of bed if he had asked but I wouldn't have if I didn't love the shit out of him (DH). For most people I would have told them they didn't have to sleep with me if they couldn't stand the dog. 
    I don't think animals should automatically receive preference over people but mine gets preference over Most people. LW's bf is telling her that she is not more important to him than the dog. 
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