Wedding Etiquette Forum

Requesting cash rather than gifts

I am a bridesmaid in my brother's upcoming wedding. I have been handling some of the information materials - website, save the date, guest itineraries etc. The couple chose not to register or have a bridal shower. They would like me to spread the word, and list on their website that they would like money deposited in an account in lieu of gifts. It has been a while since my own wedding, but I am guessing that directly asking for cash is still taboo. I have tried to suggest a honeymoon registry, or making a small physical registry. This is a destination wedding, and I know most of my large family is going to write a check rather than lug a gift. I have told the bride they will get tons of money in check form, but some people are going to want to give them a physical gift, and registering will at least give guests an idea of their tastes. I really do not feel comfortable telling people to give them cash. My parents, who have given a large amount of money already to fund the wedding, have indicated they would be very embarrassed if I am asking people to send direct deposits.


I am not sure what to do. I am close to just flat out saying I find this rude, and I refuse to update their site with that information. I still have no idea what I would tell the guests who ask about gifts. I have somewhat volatile relationship with my brother, so I don't want to be too confrontational.

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Re: Requesting cash rather than gifts

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy crap, no! I would refuse to do their website. Just tell them that if they don't register most people will give them cash/check - why do they want the guests to directly deposit into a bank account? Tell them what they want to do is very rude. Also, PPs are correct Honeymoon registries are just as rude as asking for cash.
    STARMOON44PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens


  • I am not sure what to do. I am close to just flat out saying I find this rude, and I refuse to update their site with that information. I still have no idea what I would tell the guests who ask about gifts. I have somewhat volatile relationship with my brother, so I don't want to be too confrontational.



    Do refuse to update their site with direct deposit info. Suggest a small registry or no registry at all, and explain that this is an indicator to guests that the couple does not need boxed gifts. Everyone knows that money is a great alternative (not to mention easy to bring to a DW).

    If guests ask you about gifts, let them know the couple is saving up for [a house, a trip, to start a family], which again is an indicator that they'd prefer money to boxed gifts.
    SP29
  • PPs have given great advice.  No requests for cash.  No HM registry.  Which I think would be especially weird, considering they are having a DW, which I am assuming is also where they are HMing.  @Heffalump and @banana468 nailed it with the wording to give guests who ask the idea that is the couple's preference, without coming out and saying it.

    They are really looking to alienate their guests over nothing.  Especially for a destination wedding, most/all guests will just naturally give them a check/cash.  They seriously need to GET OVER the "we want our guests to deposit our cash gifts into X account".  I don't even know what that's about.  Checks/cash are already generous and not hard to negotiate.

    It's great that your parents are also on board with how rude all of that is.  Use them as a united front/example of why this isn't appropriate for their website.  And kudos to you for trying to protect your brother and his FI from alienating people with their lack of manners.

    I also agree with @Inixon8.  They may not have the "raining down money" they are expecting.  I personally couldn't see myself ever going to a DW but, if I did, I'd probably only give a card.  Because I'd already be spending A LOT, just to go to the event.

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    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueenscowgirl8238
  • I agree with PP's - its perfectly acceptable for you to spread the word, whenever anybody asks you but don't put it on the website. Just tell them that its considered rude to put it on there but you will try and make sure people know. Then go about your business and tell all that ask, but don't mention it if not asked.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens

  • aurianna said:

    Wow.

    Now, I'm pretty judgmental. So much so that I kind of view destination weddings as the couple's way to get beautiful wedding pictures and pass off a lot of the cost of their wedding to their guests. Invitations aren't mandates and it's a free country so couple isn't in the wrong for doing it and I acknowledge I'm probably being unfair here. But this is how I feel and I highly doubt I'm alone.

    I would only attend a destination wedding for my closest friends and family, and only if I could get by with spending less than $1000 and taking less than 3 days off work.

    If I attended the wedding I would likely give a very small gift. If I didn't attend, I'd likely give a smaller gift than I would for a domestic wedding I ended up not attending (because I'm just kind of a bitch).

    So if I got invited to a destination wedding I'm already judging.
    But if I logged into the wedding website and saw a paypal link?? I think I'd be reevaluating the friendship.


    Don't let them do this if they value their friends and family that are unfairly judgemental but do have other good qualities.



    Yes!  So much this.  I don't want to go as far as to say I side-eye DWs, because a couple can certainly choose to get married wherever they want, but it does often put location above making it easier for friends and family to go.

    For me to attend a DW, it would need to be a parent/sib/BFF getting married.  That's it.  And, even then, I still probably wouldn't go.

    Though, to be fair, some of that is true for OOT weddings.  If I have to get on a plane and book a hotel room for a person's wedding, they must be my parent/sib/BFF.  Because I'm not spending that kind of time and money for anybody else.  

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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    aurianna said:

    Wow.

    Now, I'm pretty judgmental. So much so that I kind of view destination weddings as the couple's way to get beautiful wedding pictures and pass off a lot of the cost of their wedding to their guests. Invitations aren't mandates and it's a free country so couple isn't in the wrong for doing it and I acknowledge I'm probably being unfair here. But this is how I feel and I highly doubt I'm alone.

    I would only attend a destination wedding for my closest friends and family, and only if I could get by with spending less than $1000 and taking less than 3 days off work.

    If I attended the wedding I would likely give a very small gift. If I didn't attend, I'd likely give a smaller gift than I would for a domestic wedding I ended up not attending (because I'm just kind of a bitch).

    So if I got invited to a destination wedding I'm already judging.
    But if I logged into the wedding website and saw a paypal link?? I think I'd be reevaluating the friendship.


    Don't let them do this if they value their friends and family that are unfairly judgemental but do have other good qualities.


    Def not alone!
    InLoveInQueenslizybeffcowgirl8238YogaSandy
  • Besides HM registries being Rude AF... One also needs to remember that they take a large cut of the money that a person gives so the B&G get significantly less.

    Yes, even though they prefer cash, highly suggest they do a small registry for something like a new set of nice silverware and all the serveware to go along with it or the items they want to use this cash to purchase.  Something that for those guests wanting to get them a tangible gift can do so for something they want because there are guests who will give them a random photo frame or something entirely personalized that will go with literally nothing otherwise.  I'm the gift-giver that I'll drop $150 on a tangible gift if I know it's something the couple will use, but if they couple wants cash and insists on it, DH wins and it's a $20 bill, js.  I won't even go in to the one cousin who proclaimed he "wanted cash gifts and 10% of all gifts would be donated to charity" - he got empty cards from a lot of people!  (Gifts from guests are a GIFT, not subpoena).  
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    InLoveInQueens

  • aurianna said:

    Wow.

    Now, I'm pretty judgmental. So much so that I kind of view destination weddings as the couple's way to get beautiful wedding pictures and pass off a lot of the cost of their wedding to their guests. Invitations aren't mandates and it's a free country so couple isn't in the wrong for doing it and I acknowledge I'm probably being unfair here. But this is how I feel and I highly doubt I'm alone.

    I would only attend a destination wedding for my closest friends and family, and only if I could get by with spending less than $1000 and taking less than 3 days off work.

    If I attended the wedding I would likely give a very small gift. If I didn't attend, I'd likely give a smaller gift than I would for a domestic wedding I ended up not attending (because I'm just kind of a bitch).

    So if I got invited to a destination wedding I'm already judging.
    But if I logged into the wedding website and saw a paypal link?? I think I'd be reevaluating the friendship.


    Don't let them do this if they value their friends and family that are unfairly judgemental but do have other good qualities.


    I'm pretty judgy of international DWs too, unless there are specific circumstances (one that I particularly give a "pass" too is if either the bride or groom is international OR the bride and groom's family are bi-coastal) - but if everyone's centered around a local area, I give that a side eye. i will most likely only attend if it's in a destination i wanted to visit anyway, but given I find Caribbean resorts incredibly boring, I'm likely to pass.

    Agreed with previous advice to leave the website alone, and tell anyone that asks where they're registered that "they're saving for X"
    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Thanks all. The bride was bringing up "Go Fund Me", or suggesting we send out account information to an account in their daughter's name to make the cash request more polite. It pushed me over the edge, and I am so glad I had some of the wording suggestions from pp on how to politely state convey that cash registry is impolite. I have been close to losing my temper and conveying this message in a less than polite way.

    This whole wedding has hit all the check list of wedding etiquette no-nos, and has been pretty cash grabby. I have been trying to be too negative about the wedding, but this issue was really bothering me.

    I didn't know honeymoon registries were considered the same as a request for cash. I have only been to one wedding that had one, but they had a fair sized regular registry as well. It seemed less tacky to me than a Go Fund Me, or a request for direct deposit.

    The wedding is in the Bride and Groom's town, but they live in a resort town across the country from all family members. I think my family will be pretty generous, even though it is a  huge expense to get to the wedding. The couple have also invited may of their local wealthy clients who are generally very generous with holiday and other gifts. There have been a few people who are not able to make it, who have already asked about the registry. I just said they didn't register.

  • Eek! I know a lot of folks have a "my friends and family won't care they love me no matter what!" kind of attitude to justify boorish behaviour, but you'd think since they're involving their clients they'd think twice about how their actions may impact their professional relationships...

    Hopefully you can help them come to their senses before they do too much damage.
    lnixon8InLoveInQueens
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @superfache A honeymoon registry is just a sneaky way of asking for cash. A person thinks they're buying an experience or service for the couple, but instead the honeyfund send the couple a check for the amount of "experiences" purchased less a 3-5% fee. I guess it is slightly less tacky than a Gofundme, but still tacky and rude. 

    On the topic of DW's unless it's an area I want to go to anyway, I'm not going. 
    thisismynickname2MesmrEwe
  • I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 


  • I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 


    You could also have them set it up with paypal so it donates directly into the checking out, and is more of a traditional honeymoon registry. 
    My husband and i have been together for 10 years, and we paid for our own destination wedding, and vow renewal (which is coming up.) So having people donate to our honeymoon helped us out a lot. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer






    I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 




    You could also have them set it up with paypal so it donates directly into the checking out, and is more of a traditional honeymoon registry. 
    My husband and i have been together for 10 years, and we paid for our own destination wedding, and vow renewal (which is coming up.) So having people donate to our honeymoon helped us out a lot. 


    So out of ALL the advice given and even seeing the OP say that her family thinks it's rude, you've decided that we don't know what we're talking about and are upping the ante on the gross factor by giving really, really, really crappy advice? 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensheartbweeps
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