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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Pastor's kid struggling with guest list
My dad is an incredibly thoughtful and sweet man who goes to great lengths to avoid offending people. Wonderful qualities in a pastor--but not so much when it comes to making tough decisions about who to invite to a wedding. Anyway, I grew up in the church that he oversees and most parishioners know who I am and/or have watched me grow up. When I got engaged, my dad happily announced my engagement in church the very next Sunday (groan...I'm really regretting that now!). Since my dad's announcement, I've been approached by several people who've inquired about my wedding details--people who barely speak to me otherwise and who I wouldn't even think of inviting--which suggests to me that they're expecting an invite. But I'm not about to have a wedding that's overcrowded with a bunch of random people. I want to limit church invitations to those members that I'm close to because inviting everyone will easily bring the guest list to 300-400 people since both FH and I have large families.My dad, of course, thinks everyone who wants to come to the wedding should come because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But he also thinks that announcing the ceremony's details in church doesn't mean that people will just show up to the reception because they "won't have the information." Seeing how quickly word travels these days and how interested people seem to be in my wedding, I think going his route will set us up to have more than a few crashers. I know it's generally poor etiquette to have an open ceremony and a closed reception, but since my engagement was already announced and people have been hounding me for wedding details, I feel like I am in a bind. Is this the kind of scenario where it's acceptable to share general details about the ceremony but not about the reception? If it is, what kind of language do I use to be tactful but clear that anyone who'd like to attend the ceremony can but that the reception is by invite only? If it isn't, how do I invite the church members I'm close to while preventing the flow of information to people I don't intend to invite?
If it helps, the ceremony will be at the church which can seat over 1000 people and the reception is at a catering hall. My dad is paying for the majority of the costs for the reception; FH and I are paying in part for the reception and for all other wedding expenses. Also, FH and I are not doing a greeting line or cake and punch reception in the church hall after the wedding...we think we'll be too pressed for time since the church and the reception venue are some distance apart from each other.
Looking forward to your insight/advice!!
If it helps, the ceremony will be at the church which can seat over 1000 people and the reception is at a catering hall. My dad is paying for the majority of the costs for the reception; FH and I are paying in part for the reception and for all other wedding expenses. Also, FH and I are not doing a greeting line or cake and punch reception in the church hall after the wedding...we think we'll be too pressed for time since the church and the reception venue are some distance apart from each other.
Looking forward to your insight/advice!!
Re: Pastor's kid struggling with guest list
You talk to them as soon as possible and express your worry that you cannot invite the whole church to your wedding because of expense. Tell them how worried you are that people will be expecting an invitation. You can mention the pastors salary. (Ha!)
Now sit back and let them do their job. When the time comes, the rumor will have circulated, and you can send out invitations only to people whom you really want to invite - except you do have to invite the church busybody. Give her some little task to do.
Tell Dad to keep his mouth shut about the wedding or he will be paying more than he will like.
If anybody asks you, say that the plans are coming along, and you wish you could invite everybody, but.....(confused, distressed look).
I used to be a church organist. I know who REALLY runs the church!
Your dad got caught up in the excitement. It's hard to fault him for that. However, you can gently remind him that no more information/details should be shared with the congregation.
You cannot prevent anyone from attending an open church ceremony. The mothers of a few of DD's BM's quietly attended her wedding mass. The girls all grew up together, so naturally the moms enjoyed watching a milestone moment. We were under no obligation to invite them to the reception, nor did any of them expect one. We knew ahead of time of at least one mom attending, and still felt no pressure to extend an invitation to the reception.
I agree with @CMGragain. Those that want to know the time and date of your ceremony will know who to ask in the church office.
@CMGragain's advice is perfect. You probably know who congregants will ask and it's important that those people know what's going on.
You cannot lock the church doors and prevent pushy congregants from attending without an invitation. But you can do your best to ensure the right people are in the know and that the date/time are kept relatively private to prevent confusion on whether congregants are invited.
Others seem to have your main question under control, but I have a few questions for you:
1. If you aren't doing a greeting line (which I assume is like a receiving line) do you have an alternative plan to thank all of your guests for coming? Table visits perhaps?
2. How far apart are the ceremony and reception? Is there a gap between the two, or is the reception set to start right after the ceremony?
Several members of our church community came to the Mass and gave us a quick hug. They weren't invited to the reception and they didn't make a deal out of it. There was one woman from church who point blank asked if she was invited, and I told her we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to. It all worked out fine.
@kaos16
1) We will be doing walk-arounds at the actual reception for those who attend to say thank you
2) Reception and church are about 20 mins away from each other, but FH and I are stopping by a nearby venue to take some photos before we head to the reception hall. The cocktail hr is set to start about 30 mins after the wedding
We had a church wedding at the church that I grew up in. I invited some of my grandparents and parents friends that I had regular contact with, which added about 12 people to my guest list. I think that for the most part people do understand that you can't invite the entire congregation.
There are some older folks in the church that I attended who enjoy going to weddings and supporting couples getting married. We did elect to host a tea/cookies/platter style mini-reception in the church hall, but if you don't do that, perhaps ask someone to make a list of the congregation members that attended the ceremony and make a point of thanking them personally (either with a note or in person) as soon as possible.
Are your guests expected to wait around for 10 minutes before the cocktail hour starts? Cocktail hour should be ready to start the minute the first guest arrives at the reception hall after the ceremony.
cocktail hour starts? Cocktail hour should be ready to start the minute
the first guest arrives at the reception hall after the ceremony."
The reception and church are approximated to be 20 minutes apart from each other. The cocktail hour is set to begin 30 minutes after the ceremony. Yep, a 10 minute potential "gap" may exist.
The ceremony in all likelihood will not start at the appointed time. Shave off 5 minutes. Immediately following the ceremony, guests will have brief chats with each other ala "Didn't the couple radiate joy?", "Hey, John. Great to see you again. Let's talk at the reception"., etc. Shave off another 5 minutes. If I have been sitting at least 30-45 minutes for the ceremony, and now have a 20 minute car ride to get to the reception, I'll be looking for a restroom before I get in the car. Shave off another 5 minutes. I could add several other scenarios that consume that 10 minutes in a heartbeat.
In theory, I agree with you, @MandyMost. But the reality of this situation is that those 10 minutes will not be an issue. To be honest, even if they are, I am happy to start my mingling sans cocktail for 10 minutes.
And most/many venues will be prepared those 10 minutes early and will start serving guests. My timing was similar and they just started serving as soon as guests arrived.
I'm glad that it's worked out for others. I've been at weddings where we had to physically stand in the lobby (or outside) because the doors to the room were locked until a designated time. In that situation, 10 minutes does matter. It's "only 10 minutes" but it ruins your night if you're crammed in a little space, cold or wet, holding your purse and a card, standing in heels, just because the bride and groom figured 10 minutes didn't matter. No matter how nice everything else is, you'll come off looking like selfish tightwads if this is the situation.
If guests can get in and start mingling and it's just that food and drink isn't served yet it's not the end of the world. If drinks are served early, then cocktail hour started early and everything is great!
Honesty, that's a venue issue and not really anything to do with the couple.
Well run venues with experience with weddings and other social events would have just opened the doors the minute they saw guests arriving to the event.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Yes, being treated very inconsiderately definitely ruins my evening. Being awkwardly blocked from entering a cocktail hour/reception space is rude and that affects my opinion of the evening. Same as not having seats for people, or any other etiquette nightmares people do.
For 10 minutes that can ruin your evening?? You'd put that in the same category as insufficient seating or cash bars?
You can't hear Paradise by the Dashboard Lights and Scenes from an Italian Restaurant in 10 minutes. Heck, my kid takes longer than 10 minutes to poop. If waiting 10 minutes is going to make or break your evening I hope you never go to an amusement park.
That's a special definition of nightmare you've got.
This is a bit melodramatic.
Did you ever try knocking on the door to the venue to see if they'd let you in early?
But again, a venue not letting guests into the venue 10mins early is a venue issue.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
My brother and SIL's wedding guests were locked out of the reception room at their venue (ceremony was in another room) for a few minutes after the ceremony ended. Everyone had to stand crammed in a small space waiting for the venue staff to open the doors. But it didn't "ruin the whole reception" for everyone at all. That's silly hyperbole.
*GASP* not standing AND holding a purse at the same time for TEN MINUTES. Sounds like torture.
Seriously, the description of this hardship reminds me of one of those infomercial fails, like the people who can't open a milk carton. So sorry you had to physically stand up for 10 minutes, but this isn't a gap and it isn't a big deal.
If you rented a house where you were hosting the dinner and the landlord refused to let your guests in then maybe I could see the analogy.
Ah, I don't see how your analogy works here because nobody is being "charged" to wait a few minutes while the venue staff get the reception ready or having different hospitality.
And it's also not usually "knowingly" forcing people to wait because we expect the venue to be ready when the ceremony is ready. We don't plan for a delay, but at the same time we don't have control over every single detail. Things sometimes just happen despite everyone's best intentions and even efforts. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and deal.
It sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to be pissed off. But this isn't a good hill to die on.
I think you're making a big deal out of this.
If I invited you to an event in my house and you showed up 10 minutes early, I will let you inside, but in those last 10 minutes I might not be ready for you. I may not have the food out, the glasses ready and the music might not be on. And if I told you that the party started at 2 and you showed at 1:50 I'd tilt my head and wonder why you decided to show up early when you knew that the hosts gave a specific start time.
I agree that it's not great to make you wait, but in 10 minutes you can come up with options other than stand and wait.
Sometimes things happen. Sometimes the best plans just run behind. I'm not going to let 10 minutes ruin my night. Evidently, you will let a span of hours be ruined by 10 minutes. Instead of making lemons out of lemonade, you'll opt to be as sour as possible?
Wow right back at ya.
We had a Father's Day BBQ at our house the other weekend and my grandparents showed up 15 mins early (they always show up early to everything). I welcomed them in, led them to the back deck where we would all sit but I didn't have food out, or drinks ready- I was finishing my hair and make up.
10 mins between a venue change can be taken up by a quick chit chat with another guest/friend, or go to the bathroom and re-apply some lip stuff.
I would think it a bit rude if a venue (the venue, not the B&G) literally made the guests wait outdoors with the doors locked, but I see no issue with being allowed to stand/sit in a lobby with use of the bathroom while the room is finishing set up.