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MIL enabling my dad to drink

penguinpoppenguinpop member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
in Wedding Woes
My dad has 2-3 martinis a night every night and completely blacks out. He will function like a normal person at night but will not remember a single thing the next day. It's very upsetting for me and my mom and I don't like him drinking. 

We were just going to do beer/wine for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL said she would do a full bar so my dad would be comfortable. I told her he can have beer instead and I don't want to have to do a full bar just so my dad could have a martini and then not remember anything the next day. I spoke with my mom about it and she said dad would be fine with beer and didn't expect to drink martinis that night. 

MIL has brought it up multiple times over the last few months wanting to accommodate my dad and every time, I have told her no, he will be fine with beer and I don't want him to drink martinis at the rehearsal dinner. He's an alcoholic and I don't want to enable him. 

Then 2 days ago she delightfully opened a massive package she had ordered and it was martini glasses and a full bar set for the rehearsal dinner, just so we could have martinis there, so that my dad will be comfortable. I told her flat-out NO, I don't want my dad drinking. She said its important for her to make my dad comfortable. I said NO, he can drink beer and will be FINE. He won't be uncomfortable with beer. I want him to remember the time I spend with him, because so often when I go to visit I will hang out with him for hours in the evening and he won't remember any of it and it's very upsetting to me. 
She said she would take back the bar set and the glasses, but I saw her unpacking the glasses the other night. No one here drinks martinis. Maybe she was just looking at the glasses, and won't be using them, but I'm pretty annoyed she went and ordered all that stuff after I have told her multiple times not to serve martinis. 
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    penguinpop said:

    My dad has 2-3 martinis a night every night and completely blacks out. He will function like a normal person at night but will not remember a single thing the next day. It's very upsetting for me and my mom and I don't like him drinking. 

    We were just going to do beer/wine for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL said she would do a full bar so my dad would be comfortable. I told her he can have beer instead and I don't want to have to do a full bar just so my dad could have a martini and then not remember anything the next day. I spoke with my mom about it and she said dad would be fine with beer and didn't expect to drink martinis that night. 

    MIL has brought it up multiple times over the last few months wanting to accommodate my dad and every time, I have told her no, he will be fine with beer and I don't want him to drink martinis at the rehearsal dinner. He's an alcoholic and I don't want to enable him. 

    Then 2 days ago she delightfully opened a massive package she had ordered and it was martini glasses and a full bar set for the rehearsal dinner, just so we could have martinis there, so that my dad will be comfortable. I told her flat-out NO, I don't want my dad drinking. She said its important for her to make my dad comfortable. I said NO, he can drink beer and will be FINE. He won't be uncomfortable with beer. I want him to remember the time I spend with him, because so often when I go to visit I will hang out with him for hours in the evening and he won't remember any of it and it's very upsetting to me. 
    She said she would take back the bar set and the glasses, but I saw her unpacking the glasses the other night. No one here drinks martinis. Maybe she was just looking at the glasses, and won't be using them, but I'm pretty annoyed she went and ordered all that stuff after I have told her multiple times not to serve martinis. 


    Ok, firstly, beer can get him just as drunk. Not having martinis or martini glasses isn't going to prevent your father from drinking. He can get just as blacked out on beer as he can on martinis. If he can get blacked out from 2 martinis, I guarantee you he can black out on beer. 

    It sounds like you are projecting a lot of your issues around alcohol and your father on your MiL. If she is hosting and paying, it isn't really your place to dictate this. If you were requesting a dry dinner, I could completely understand, but beer isn't really going to stop someone from getting drunk. Especially if they are an alcoholic.

    I really think you need to be talking to your dad rather than you MiL. Have you actually spoken to your father about this?


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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    That seems unusual that 2-3 martinis causes him to black out. I'm a lightweight and I wouldn't black out with that. Is there something else going on there?

    Your mil sounds either a bit BSC or like she's ostriching. I do not blame you one bit for not wanting your dad drinking. I wonder if she thinks you're exaggerating the outcome of his drinking. Good for your sticking to your guns, just keep an eye out for those damn glasses the night of the RD.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    charlotte989875 said:



    penguinpop said:


    My dad has 2-3 martinis a night every night and completely blacks out. He will function like a normal person at night but will not remember a single thing the next day. It's very upsetting for me and my mom and I don't like him drinking. 

    We were just going to do beer/wine for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL said she would do a full bar so my dad would be comfortable. I told her he can have beer instead and I don't want to have to do a full bar just so my dad could have a martini and then not remember anything the next day. I spoke with my mom about it and she said dad would be fine with beer and didn't expect to drink martinis that night. 

    MIL has brought it up multiple times over the last few months wanting to accommodate my dad and every time, I have told her no, he will be fine with beer and I don't want him to drink martinis at the rehearsal dinner. He's an alcoholic and I don't want to enable him. 

    Then 2 days ago she delightfully opened a massive package she had ordered and it was martini glasses and a full bar set for the rehearsal dinner, just so we could have martinis there, so that my dad will be comfortable. I told her flat-out NO, I don't want my dad drinking. She said its important for her to make my dad comfortable. I said NO, he can drink beer and will be FINE. He won't be uncomfortable with beer. I want him to remember the time I spend with him, because so often when I go to visit I will hang out with him for hours in the evening and he won't remember any of it and it's very upsetting to me. 
    She said she would take back the bar set and the glasses, but I saw her unpacking the glasses the other night. No one here drinks martinis. Maybe she was just looking at the glasses, and won't be using them, but I'm pretty annoyed she went and ordered all that stuff after I have told her multiple times not to serve martinis. 




    Okay there's a lot going on here, a couple of questions who is hosting the rehearsal dinner; you or your in-laws? If it's them I don't think you can tell them not to serve something just because you don't want one person drinking. If you're hosting just put away the set if she brings it and tell her the discussion is closed and to enjoy the party. Also, assuming this is your FI's mother, where is he in all this?

    Beyond that, your Dad sounds like he might have alcoholism. If that's the case having access to martinis or not will not stop him from drinking enough to black out if that's what he's going to do. People get black out drink from beer just like they do from martinins. 

    You cant control what he does. It is not your responsibility to control what he does. I know you want him to spend time with you and remember the evening, but unfortunately that's not up to you and you can't make the decision for him not to drink. 

    As the child of someone with alcoholism I really do understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately addicts with not change just because it is a big life event, no matter how much you want them to. 


    All of this.

    -Is your MIL hosting the RD?   Have you brought your concerns to her attention or have they simply been how you want the RD to run?

    Technically, your FMIL can do what she wants if she's hosting the RD.   I understand that ideally you would like her to listen to you but if she's hosting and financing the RD, it's her choice.

    I understand the concern you have.   Alcoholism is rampant in my family and I can see the desire to remove what you think is the problem beverage.   But that doesn't necessarily remove the problem.   

    -Those who like to get black out drunk may find a substitute beverage.
    -Nothing is stopping your father from having a martini before or after the RD to celebrate.
    -This seems to skirt the very nature of the problem.  Removing the beverage of choice isn't really helping to resolve the issue at hand.  If he drinks to the point that he can't remember then that's the issue.   The vodka/gin is only one of the ways that the problem can present itself but that's not addressing the issue at hand.   

    If your dad does this all the time, the issue should be addressed separately from your wedding.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.   Watching anyone deal with substance abuse is awful and it's worse when you're close to that person.   But I think you are going about resolving this issue in the wrong way. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    edited June 2017
    Also, if your dad is an alcoholic, he can easily get black out drunk on just beer. I'm the child of an alcoholic too. Giving him the option of "just beer" is enabling too. 
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    I think you need to realize that you and your mom are also enabling your dad.  This isn't just on your MIL.

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    penguinpoppenguinpop member
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    My MIL is hosting, but she has come to me with every single decision about the party and has asked me to make every choice about the party. I have chosen the caterer, the venue, etc. I would have liked her to do all these things since it's her party, but she told me that since this party was in my and her son's honor, that we should make these choices. I wanted a dry party but she didn't feel it was fair to the other guests, so the beer/wine was a compromise. 

    It's not my MIL's fault if my dad drinks and I know he will be drinking at the wedding, I'm just more upset I think that this conversation with MIL has happened many many times around his drinking where she brings it up to me and I talk to her about it and tell her everything, and it's like she forgets and brings it up again, or maybe she thinks my responses will be different another time. She has really gone out of her way multiple times to try and please my parents which is nice of her and I am happy they want a good relationship, this is just kind of a sensitive issue for me. It feels weird that she has wanted me to make every other decision that to me wasn't important, but she'd rather go around the one decision that was really important to me just to "accommodate" my dad. 

    Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. It's just hard :(
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    penguinpop said:

    My MIL is hosting, but she has come to me with every single decision about the party and has asked me to make every choice about the party. I have chosen the caterer, the venue, etc. I would have liked her to do all these things since it's her party, but she told me that since this party was in my and her son's honor, that we should make these choices. I wanted a dry party but she didn't feel it was fair to the other guests, so the beer/wine was a compromise. 

    It's not my MIL's fault if my dad drinks and I know he will be drinking at the wedding, I'm just more upset I think that this conversation with MIL has happened many many times around his drinking where she brings it up to me and I talk to her about it and tell her everything, and it's like she forgets and brings it up again, or maybe she thinks my responses will be different another time. She has really gone out of her way multiple times to try and please my parents which is nice of her and I am happy they want a good relationship, this is just kind of a sensitive issue for me. It feels weird that she has wanted me to make every other decision that to me wasn't important, but she'd rather go around the one decision that was really important to me just to "accommodate" my dad. 

    Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. It's just hard :(


    I know it's hard. It seems like she's doing what she thinks will make him comfortable/welcome (providing what he wants to drink). Maybe she doesn't fully understand the problem. 

    But again, I think your frustration is misplaced. Maybe she should be listening to you more clearly, but your problem really is with the amount/frequency/extent of your father's drinking not with her providing a martini. And yes, that's a far bigger problem to solve, but I think you need to let your MIL be on this one. Your Dad is (likely) going to drink whether she serves martinis or not, and it's not up to you, your mother, or your MIL to control that, it's on him. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Well, I could see where your MIL is getting mixed messages. Telling her he can have beer and not martinis - she probably doesn't understand. Have you come out and tell her that you don't want your dad to have martinis because he blacks out? 

    I agree with PPs that your anger seems to be directed at your MIL and it's very misplaced. Again, it sounds like she's just trying to be a good host, and she wants your parents to be happy. And that right there is something GOOD. How many stories have we heard from people where the MOB/FOB and MOG/FOG don't get along? 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I understand that this has been a painful problem for you and your mom - probably most of your lives. And you are likely hoping that his behavior will change for this night since it's so important to you. Or if you could "just not serve martinis" or "just do this/that" that you could help his problem and make him remember this night. 

    I don't mean this in a discouraging way, I really hope it relieves you of stress and pressure.... but your dad will probably not change his behavior for your wedding weekend. Alcoholism is a serious disease. It's not your fault and you will find yourself feeling guilty and going crazy if you try to change or control his behavior. (*hugs*)
    *********************************************************************************

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    I believe someone mentioned it, but you MIL may not be catching what you're saying.

    My thoughts are either do dry reception or you may have to tell your MIL straight out that him drinking is an issue.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    southernbelle0915 said:

    I understand that this has been a painful problem for you and your mom - probably most of your lives. And you are likely hoping that his behavior will change for this night since it's so important to you. Or if you could "just not serve martinis" or "just do this/that" that you could help his problem and make him remember this night. 

    I don't mean this in a discouraging way, I really hope it relieves you of stress and pressure.... but your dad will probably not change his behavior for your wedding weekend. Alcoholism is a serious disease. It's not your fault and you will find yourself feeling guilty and going crazy if you try to change or control his behavior. (*hugs*)


    All of this.

    Also, if someone is an alcoholic or problem drinker, even making the reception dry doesn't always stop it.  If he knows it's dry then he may drink before or after the event.    

    It really seems like if his drinking is this much of an issue then the drinking issue should be addressed directly and outside of your wedding.  
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    Ditto PPs. Limiting him to beer is still enabling, and I promise you that he will still get drunk enough to black out. Alcoholics have preferences, but in the end they don't discriminate. Booze is booze. 

    This sounds like a stressful situation. You should attend some al-anon meetings. They would be helpful. Remember that you can't change or control your father's behavior. If he is truly an alcoholic and not ready to change, nothing will stop him from drinking. Not a beer only dinner, not a dry reception. And there is nothing you can do about it. Separating yourself from that is healthy. But trying to control his drinking like you are now? That's a long, difficult, sad, and fruitless road. 


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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    kimmiinthemitten said:



    LondonLisa said:





    penguinpop said:



    My MIL is hosting, but she has come to me with every single decision about the party and has asked me to make every choice about the party. I have chosen the caterer, the venue, etc. I would have liked her to do all these things since it's her party, but she told me that since this party was in my and her son's honor, that we should make these choices. I wanted a dry party but she didn't feel it was fair to the other guests, so the beer/wine was a compromise. 

    It's not my MIL's fault if my dad drinks and I know he will be drinking at the wedding, I'm just more upset I think that this conversation with MIL has happened many many times around his drinking where she brings it up to me and I talk to her about it and tell her everything, and it's like she forgets and brings it up again, or maybe she thinks my responses will be different another time. She has really gone out of her way multiple times to try and please my parents which is nice of her and I am happy they want a good relationship, this is just kind of a sensitive issue for me. It feels weird that she has wanted me to make every other decision that to me wasn't important, but she'd rather go around the one decision that was really important to me just to "accommodate" my dad. 

    Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. It's just hard :(






    I know it is hard- but the person putting you in this situation is your father, not your MiL. 

    The only way to have him not drink is to have a dry RD. Even then you cannot guarantee he wont sneak drinks beforehand.

    Frankly, giving an alcoholic beer and giving an alcoholic martinis are both the same thing. You don't tell a herion addict that they can *only* have cocaine.  I would be very confused with yoru request- because either his drinking is so bad he can't have alcohol or it isn't. 

    I really think you are projecting a lot of your (very valid) anger onto your MiL that really should be going towards your father and your mum for enabling it.

    And I completely agree with PP- giving beer to an alcoholic is enabling. Just because it isn't their alcohol of choice doesn't mean it is alcohol-free. 




    Actually, enabling is modifying your behavior to change someone else's. 

    If her father chose sobriety and part of that path involved declining invitations where alcohol was served and they chose a dry RD, it would be different because they would be supporting the choice made by the addict.  But in both alternate scenarios; dry or beer and wine, other people are removing the greatest temptation and that takes away the addicts ability to choose for themselves.

    Step 1:  Admit you are powerless over the addict, and trying to manage them has made your own life unmanageable.


    But he is addicted to alcohol, not martinis. Giving an alcoholic beer as a 'safe' option is enabling because you are not recognising the addiction for what it is: alcohol. I don't think he's drinking martinis because he loves the olives. 
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    kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    LondonLisa said:



    kimmiinthemitten said:





    LondonLisa said:







    penguinpop said:




    My MIL is hosting, but she has come to me with every single decision about the party and has asked me to make every choice about the party. I have chosen the caterer, the venue, etc. I would have liked her to do all these things since it's her party, but she told me that since this party was in my and her son's honor, that we should make these choices. I wanted a dry party but she didn't feel it was fair to the other guests, so the beer/wine was a compromise. 

    It's not my MIL's fault if my dad drinks and I know he will be drinking at the wedding, I'm just more upset I think that this conversation with MIL has happened many many times around his drinking where she brings it up to me and I talk to her about it and tell her everything, and it's like she forgets and brings it up again, or maybe she thinks my responses will be different another time. She has really gone out of her way multiple times to try and please my parents which is nice of her and I am happy they want a good relationship, this is just kind of a sensitive issue for me. It feels weird that she has wanted me to make every other decision that to me wasn't important, but she'd rather go around the one decision that was really important to me just to "accommodate" my dad. 

    Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. It's just hard :(








    I know it is hard- but the person putting you in this situation is your father, not your MiL. 

    The only way to have him not drink is to have a dry RD. Even then you cannot guarantee he wont sneak drinks beforehand.

    Frankly, giving an alcoholic beer and giving an alcoholic martinis are both the same thing. You don't tell a herion addict that they can *only* have cocaine.  I would be very confused with yoru request- because either his drinking is so bad he can't have alcohol or it isn't. 

    I really think you are projecting a lot of your (very valid) anger onto your MiL that really should be going towards your father and your mum for enabling it.

    And I completely agree with PP- giving beer to an alcoholic is enabling. Just because it isn't their alcohol of choice doesn't mean it is alcohol-free. 






    Actually, enabling is modifying your behavior to change someone else's. 

    If her father chose sobriety and part of that path involved declining invitations where alcohol was served and they chose a dry RD, it would be different because they would be supporting the choice made by the addict.  But in both alternate scenarios; dry or beer and wine, other people are removing the greatest temptation and that takes away the addicts ability to choose for themselves.

    Step 1:  Admit you are powerless over the addict, and trying to manage them has made your own life unmanageable.




    But he is addicted to alcohol, not martinis. Giving an alcoholic beer as a 'safe' option is enabling because you are not recognising the addiction for what it is: alcohol. I don't think he's drinking martinis because he loves the olives. 


    They're not 'giving him beer,' they're inviting him to a dinner where beer is an option. Enabling behavior is an element of control. Trying to control the alcoholics behavior by controlling what he can choose to order is enabling, as it takes the control of his choice away from him, be it a dry wedding or a beer and wine only menu. 

    It seems like a minor difference, but it's the crux of enabling behavior. OP needs to accept that she cannot control his behavior and needs to try and stop making his decisions for him. 
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    GBCKGBCK member
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    edited June 2017
    where is your FI in these repeated and numerous conversations with HIS MOM?

    Because, honestly, he hasn't even been mentioned yet.
    My MIL is a lovely person--incredibly wonderful.
    But when it comes to "Hey, please don't; that's not how my family does it.  But we're fine with what WE do, don't try to re-write our Christmas/wedding/Dual-family-GTG/whatever decisions for us" conversations, she doesn't 'hear' me the way she hears her son.
    (of course, sending him in only works if HE gets it)
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    penguinpoppenguinpop member
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    Thanks guys!

    To answer some previous questions and to clarify - I'm not mad here. I'm not angry either, I'm just a little hurt that MIL and I  have talked about this a lot and I feel a little like she is either not listening or just choosing to ignore me or just not getting it.  
    And yes, I've told her that he is an alcoholic and he blacks out when he drinks martinis. I think she must forget because I've said this a lot. 

    I know this is some of wishful thinking on my part to try and manage this behavior. I think it was also just hurtful to me that her thought process was that an alcoholic likes a certain type of drink, so let's get him more of that. A couple of months ago she was meeting my parents again and, knowing then he was an alcoholic, was asking me his brands of liquor because she wanted to bring him some "since he likes it so much."  I had a conversation with her about it then, too and asked her not to get him alcohol then. Maybe she just doesn't get it. 

    Yes, my feelings are misplaced since the bottom line is I'm disappointed in my dad and I'm feeling powerless with this. I think the added stress is just worse with everything else going on (wedding is next week). 
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    kimmiinthemitten said:



    LondonLisa said:





    kimmiinthemitten said:







    LondonLisa said:









    penguinpop said:





    My MIL is hosting, but she has come to me with every single decision about the party and has asked me to make every choice about the party. I have chosen the caterer, the venue, etc. I would have liked her to do all these things since it's her party, but she told me that since this party was in my and her son's honor, that we should make these choices. I wanted a dry party but she didn't feel it was fair to the other guests, so the beer/wine was a compromise. 

    It's not my MIL's fault if my dad drinks and I know he will be drinking at the wedding, I'm just more upset I think that this conversation with MIL has happened many many times around his drinking where she brings it up to me and I talk to her about it and tell her everything, and it's like she forgets and brings it up again, or maybe she thinks my responses will be different another time. She has really gone out of her way multiple times to try and please my parents which is nice of her and I am happy they want a good relationship, this is just kind of a sensitive issue for me. It feels weird that she has wanted me to make every other decision that to me wasn't important, but she'd rather go around the one decision that was really important to me just to "accommodate" my dad. 

    Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. It's just hard :(










    I know it is hard- but the person putting you in this situation is your father, not your MiL. 

    The only way to have him not drink is to have a dry RD. Even then you cannot guarantee he wont sneak drinks beforehand.

    Frankly, giving an alcoholic beer and giving an alcoholic martinis are both the same thing. You don't tell a herion addict that they can *only* have cocaine.  I would be very confused with yoru request- because either his drinking is so bad he can't have alcohol or it isn't. 

    I really think you are projecting a lot of your (very valid) anger onto your MiL that really should be going towards your father and your mum for enabling it.

    And I completely agree with PP- giving beer to an alcoholic is enabling. Just because it isn't their alcohol of choice doesn't mean it is alcohol-free. 








    Actually, enabling is modifying your behavior to change someone else's. 

    If her father chose sobriety and part of that path involved declining invitations where alcohol was served and they chose a dry RD, it would be different because they would be supporting the choice made by the addict.  But in both alternate scenarios; dry or beer and wine, other people are removing the greatest temptation and that takes away the addicts ability to choose for themselves.

    Step 1:  Admit you are powerless over the addict, and trying to manage them has made your own life unmanageable.






    But he is addicted to alcohol, not martinis. Giving an alcoholic beer as a 'safe' option is enabling because you are not recognising the addiction for what it is: alcohol. I don't think he's drinking martinis because he loves the olives. 




    They're not 'giving him beer,' they're inviting him to a dinner where beer is an option. Enabling behavior is an element of control. Trying to control the alcoholics behavior by controlling what he can choose to order is enabling, as it takes the control of his choice away from him, be it a dry wedding or a beer and wine only menu. 

    It seems like a minor difference, but it's the crux of enabling behavior. OP needs to accept that she cannot control his behavior and needs to try and stop making his decisions for him. 


    I think we are actually agreeing on a lot of this. I'm saying that her and her mum treating beer as a 'safe' option is not helping the situation. He needs to choose to not have any alcohol. 

    OP, have you and your mum actually spoken to your dad about his drink problem? 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    penguinpop said:

    Thanks guys!

    To answer some previous questions and to clarify - I'm not mad here. I'm not angry either, I'm just a little hurt that MIL and I  have talked about this a lot and I feel a little like she is either not listening or just choosing to ignore me or just not getting it.  
    And yes, I've told her that he is an alcoholic and he blacks out when he drinks martinis. I think she must forget because I've said this a lot. 

    I know this is some of wishful thinking on my part to try and manage this behavior. I think it was also just hurtful to me that her thought process was that an alcoholic likes a certain type of drink, so let's get him more of that. A couple of months ago she was meeting my parents again and, knowing then he was an alcoholic, was asking me his brands of liquor because she wanted to bring him some "since he likes it so much."  I had a conversation with her about it then, too and asked her not to get him alcohol then. Maybe she just doesn't get it. 

    Yes, my feelings are misplaced since the bottom line is I'm disappointed in my dad and I'm feeling powerless with this. I think the added stress is just worse with everything else going on (wedding is next week). 


    It sounds like she doesn't actually understand what alcoholism is. Many, many people don't. Many people think it just means you really like to drink. Or joke about it. It really doesn't sound like she's doing this to be hurtful. And honestly I think many people, unless they see/experience/know someone who is truly and addict and what that behavior is like day in and say out it's hard for them to really know what it's like. 
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I have a suspicion that there is more than enabling as an issue, more like codependency with her insisting on doing things to make him comfortable in his addiction.  May or may not be the case, only you know what's really going on we can only speculate based on what you posted.  

    IMO - Dry events are your best option as it opens the door for an intervention now and both into treatment with plenty of time before your wedding (there are options out there including fantastic programs where they sober up and recover at home as well as AA - Right now I'm watching a colleague clean and sober up and transform using a program based in Florida and they're in an entirely different country).  You ultimately have to decide what you want to do and it's pretty tough love.  This is not about you, but be assured if you provide any alcohol, have great video and photography because he will be black-out drunk at your wedding regardless of which type of alcohol he consumes, it's the addiction, it's not about you, do not make the addiction about you.  You can only lead a horse to water, once you have a talk with them it's on them for the choice.  Whichever option you decide, stand your ground and do not enable.  Having alcohol at your event in itself is not enabling, but you do have a hard decision to make.  Good luck!!!


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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    MesmrEwe said:

    I have a suspicion that there is more than enabling as an issue, more like codependency with her insisting on doing things to make him comfortable in his addiction.  May or may not be the case, only you know what's really going on we can only speculate based on what you posted.  

    IMO - Dry events are your best option as it opens the door for an intervention now and both into treatment with plenty of time before your wedding (there are options out there including fantastic programs where they sober up and recover at home as well as AA - Right now I'm watching a colleague clean and sober up and transform using a program based in Florida and they're in an entirely different country).  You ultimately have to decide what you want to do and it's pretty tough love.  This is not about you, but be assured if you provide any alcohol, have great video and photography because he will be black-out drunk at your wedding regardless of which type of alcohol he consumes, it's the addiction, it's not about you, do not make the addiction about you.  You can only lead a horse to water, once you have a talk with them it's on them for the choice.  Whichever option you decide, stand your ground and do not enable.  Having alcohol at your event in itself is not enabling, but you do have a hard decision to make.  Good luck!!!




    I doubt that. These two people are not married. It is OP's dad and her FI's mom. I don't think they had all that much of a relationship before this that they could be codependent.

    It's OP's mom and OP where we're concerned about active enabling, not just misunderstanding. Maybe MIL is a people pleaser, but that's a separate issue.
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    Ro041Ro041 member
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    penguinpop said:

    My dad has 2-3 martinis a night every night and completely blacks out. He will function like a normal person at night but will not remember a single thing the next day. It's very upsetting for me and my mom and I don't like him drinking. 

    We were just going to do beer/wine for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL said she would do a full bar so my dad would be comfortable. I told her he can have beer instead and I don't want to have to do a full bar just so my dad could have a martini and then not remember anything the next day. I spoke with my mom about it and she said dad would be fine with beer and didn't expect to drink martinis that night. 

    MIL has brought it up multiple times over the last few months wanting to accommodate my dad and every time, I have told her no, he will be fine with beer and I don't want him to drink martinis at the rehearsal dinner. He's an alcoholic and I don't want to enable him. 

    Then 2 days ago she delightfully opened a massive package she had ordered and it was martini glasses and a full bar set for the rehearsal dinner, just so we could have martinis there, so that my dad will be comfortable. I told her flat-out NO, I don't want my dad drinking. She said its important for her to make my dad comfortable. I said NO, he can drink beer and will be FINE. He won't be uncomfortable with beer. I want him to remember the time I spend with him, because so often when I go to visit I will hang out with him for hours in the evening and he won't remember any of it and it's very upsetting to me. 
    She said she would take back the bar set and the glasses, but I saw her unpacking the glasses the other night. No one here drinks martinis. Maybe she was just looking at the glasses, and won't be using them, but I'm pretty annoyed she went and ordered all that stuff after I have told her multiple times not to serve martinis. 


    I honestly don't understand how these two sentences live in the same scenario harmoniously.  

    Is there something about vodka/gin (whichever martinis he chooses to drink) that makes him black out after 2-3?  People process different alcohols differently, so does liquor affect him differently than beer?  Will he black out after 2-3 beers?  

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    OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
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    Ro041 said:



    penguinpop said:


    My dad has 2-3 martinis a night every night and completely blacks out. He will function like a normal person at night but will not remember a single thing the next day. It's very upsetting for me and my mom and I don't like him drinking. 

    We were just going to do beer/wine for the rehearsal dinner. My MIL said she would do a full bar so my dad would be comfortable. I told her he can have beer instead and I don't want to have to do a full bar just so my dad could have a martini and then not remember anything the next day. I spoke with my mom about it and she said dad would be fine with beer and didn't expect to drink martinis that night. 

    MIL has brought it up multiple times over the last few months wanting to accommodate my dad and every time, I have told her no, he will be fine with beer and I don't want him to drink martinis at the rehearsal dinner. He's an alcoholic and I don't want to enable him. 

    Then 2 days ago she delightfully opened a massive package she had ordered and it was martini glasses and a full bar set for the rehearsal dinner, just so we could have martinis there, so that my dad will be comfortable. I told her flat-out NO, I don't want my dad drinking. She said its important for her to make my dad comfortable. I said NO, he can drink beer and will be FINE. He won't be uncomfortable with beer. I want him to remember the time I spend with him, because so often when I go to visit I will hang out with him for hours in the evening and he won't remember any of it and it's very upsetting to me. 
    She said she would take back the bar set and the glasses, but I saw her unpacking the glasses the other night. No one here drinks martinis. Maybe she was just looking at the glasses, and won't be using them, but I'm pretty annoyed she went and ordered all that stuff after I have told her multiple times not to serve martinis. 




    I honestly don't understand how these two sentences live in the same scenario harmoniously.  

    Is there something about vodka/gin (whichever martinis he chooses to drink) that makes him black out after 2-3?  People process different alcohols differently, so does liquor affect him differently than beer?  Will he black out after 2-3 beers?  


    I don't understand either. I'm a recovering alcoholic and got just as drunk on fancy cocktails and craft beer as I did on cheap red wine and Miller Lite.
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