Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

How to decline help

«134

Re: How to decline help

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Yes, this is how it goes when one is planning a wedding or pregnant. You get free advice, mostly well meaning and some not so much. You need a few stock answers.

    "Thank you for your opinion. We'll let you know if we need help."

    "We prefer to keep the details to ourselves. We want everyone to be surprised."

    "We are going in a different direction. Have you tried the bean dip? It's delicious."

    Lather, rinse and repeat. BTW, all you need for a wedding is the couple and an officante. If you invite guests, you need to serve refreshments appropriate to the time of day. Nothing wrong with a casual reception, Spotify and a backyard bbq. 
                       
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks, we think it'll be a blast ant anyone who doesn't like it can stay home that day. We have about 75 people, up to 100 people that were planning to invite, and we're thinking that people can talk to each other, and adults can entertain entertain themselves. We're not the typical wedding factory catering hall types of people, and since my fiance doesn't have a job we don't really think that we need to spend a lot of money for people to have a good time.
    Report Reply
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2018
    knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:
    My fiance and i are having our wedding at his aunt's home. She has a nice house and they always have parties there so they know what it's like to have a bunch of people at the house. We're looking at like 75 people. But his parents are paying for everything, and we don't want to spend more than $5,000. I don't know how we're going to cut the budget, but we have to forgo certain things in order to not have his parents spend too much money. So the problem is we're getting a lot of unsolicited advice from people who insist that because it's a wedding, we have to have certain things, and we don't really think that's true.

    Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean it can't be casual and laid-back and fun. Like, we can get a subscription to a good Spotify station or whatever it is, and skip a DJ, but one of my best friends who is my maid of honor keeps letting me know that we really do need to have a DJ and we need to have have activities or something. So her advice isn't really helpful. So I just want to know how to tell people, thank you but no thank you, we have it under control? I still want her to be part of my wedding planning process because it's a lot of fun but I don't really want to be made to feel bad about the decisions I've made and I want to be polite about it.
    My son had his reception in an amazing restaurant in downtown Chicago. They did not have a DJ, nor was one needed or missed. 

    Make sure your guests are provided with the proper hospitality appropriate to the time of your event. Other than that, anything else is a “bonus”, but not necessary. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    It's not at a restaurant, it's going to be in the yard. We might set up game stations and let people know that the pool is open. I bought a special bathing suit. My sister keeps saying that people will be bored and will need some direction, but we disagree and think people can mingle and enjoy themselves. It's not going to be a traditional NY wedding.
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I'd tell your sister or anyone else who criticizes your plans, "Thank you for letting us know that. I'm sorry you don't like what we have in mind, but we have finalized our decisions and we're no longer open to discussing them. I look forward to enjoying the wedding with you and I will understand and miss you if you aren't able to come."
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2018
    Great notes, thanks. We aren't sure what we will do if it rains, we figure because it's a summer day it should be sunny, and the tent will provide protection. I will talk to my friend and sis again. She just is used to a typical wedding and she uses this as any excuse to tell me my fiance need to work, and he doesn't have to. So that's why we are letting his parent pay for the wedding, and I'd they don't have money for a DJ it's not something we think is necessary either.

    Thanks for the advice, it's reasurring that others understand!
    Report Reply
  • scribe95scribe95 member
    First Comment
    knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:
    Great notes, thanks. We aren't sure what we will do if it rains, we figure because it's a summer day it should be sunny, and the tent will provide protection. I will talk to my sister again. She just is used to a typical wedding and she uses this as any excuse to tell me my fiance need to work, and he doesn't have to. So that's why we are letting his parent pay for the wedding, and I'd they don't have money for a DJ it's not something we think is necessary either.

    Thanks for the advice, it's reasurring that others understand!
    Yikes, you are taking money from his parents and he doesn't even work? I would be uber uncomfortable with that. He should work unless he is disabled. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Well he doesn't need to because I make enough so it's never been an issue, plus his parents paid for his sister's whole wedding so we assume they like to do this. We asked for their advice and they said not to worry they'd handle everything. I just don't think they need to pay for all the extras so we are going without certain things we think are corny like the DJ, it's not qorth the argument if my sister is the only one who thinks we need it (plus other things, this is just an example of one of the things she wanted me to look into).
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    We don't really have the money, and his parents already offered. 
    Report Reply
  • bubblylovebubblylove member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You are making no sense. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I don't know what that means. My sister keeps giving us suggestions on how to add on to our wedding, but we don't want the suggestions because we don't want his parents to spend any more money than they have to. Other people have said that things like a DJ aren't exactly necessary, I have to figure out how to tell my sister to stop giving me suggestions. I think it's pretty clear? My fiance doesn't even think it's DJ is necessary, so I really don't think I should ask his parents if we could have one. Our original plan, we were going to ask one of the guests to help set set up the music, but it's a detail we can always work out later.
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I make enough but we don't have a lot left over, it goes to bills and his old credit cards that are closed. So we don't have any new debt, and once we get married we will be able to start saving more. His parents know we want to have a nice wedding, we aren't asking the for anything, they offered so we accepted. I'm sure anyone would accept this gift. I'm going to get them a nice thank you gift after the wedding. We even asked them to book a cleaning service for after so his aunt doesn't have to clean. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    These are not really helpful comments, I thought that all we needed to do was have an efficient and make sure our guests have Refreshments. We're doing more than that, but we didn't think a DJ was necessary since his parents shouldn't have to spend all of their money on things that are probably not necessary.
    Report Reply
  • bubblylovebubblylove member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I just find it hilarious that you are willing to take thousands of dollars from someone while your FI isn't even working but want a badge or something for wanting to save them money on a DJ etc. And no, if I were your FI I would be embarrassed as hell to accept this money if I wasn't contributing to my lifestyle - say paying off my old credit card debt. If he were working all of his paycheck could go to wedding only. You could have a lovely wedding easily without depending on anyone but yourselves. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I don't think it's important. He's a good guy, we've been together every day since the day we met. And also, he has some health issues so he visits the doctors during the week and really doesn't have time to work full-time, so he takes care of our home and it's what works for us. We choose to live modestly so this way we have every minute to spend together and we don't have to worry about schedule conflicts like some people we know.
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Well, they offered to pay for it. So now we are planning our wedding. We're not doing anything fancy, And they did pay for his sister's whole wedding so when my fiance mentioned we wanted to have a similar wedding, they were excited and offered. We want to be married so I don't see why we would turn down an offer like that.
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MairePoppy said:
    On one hand, you say fiance doesn't need to work because you make enough money, but you don't have money to pay for the wedding. It doesn't make sense.

    But whatever. Your FILs are paying for the wedding so your sister, moh, bff or whatever she is, shouldn't be making suggestions on ways to spend their money. 



    This. OP you don't have to have anything beyond food/drink appropriate for the time of day, and whatever you need to make the marriage legal. Anything beyond that is extra and not required. 

    But yeah it's a little weird for you to say you don't have any money, but then at the same time say you make more than enough so that your FI doesn't have to work. Whatevs, you do you, but if you want more money there seems to be a clear place to increase your joint income. 
    Report Reply
  • knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    He doesn't want to, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to lose him over something we don't need to be happy. We don't have the money to have the wedding his parent are willing to host, and this allows us to no longer put it off. Plus we are saving money by having it at his aunt's house versus a hall so it's not like we are breaking the bank, his parents have money and don't mind helping us. We want to have kids and I'm not getting any younger, so it will be nice to finally be married. Everyone wants to see us get married too so we really want to make sure all the important people are invited, and we wouldn't be able to do that without their help.
    Report Reply
  • athomeroseathomerose member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2018

    OP you are absolutely right whether or not your FI works is irrelevant and those criticizing or question you on this are wrong and rude. There are many couples where only one earns money outside the home, if the work/life balance that you and your FI have works for you that is great. It sounds like you did not ask for anyone to pay for your wedding but graciously accepted an offer by your IL to host a wedding for you, you are all good in terms of etiquette. I think you are wise to find ways to deflect other people (sister, MOH etc) from spending more of your IL money.

    My suggestion would be pleasant deflection for most. So if someone makes a suggestion be upbeat but non-comital and then change the subject.


    Report Reply
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP - it's time to perfect your "Bean Dip" recipe when it comes to the wedding feedback!  "Great idea - we'll think about it!" (in one ear and out the other!)...  etc.  What "Bean Dip" is - basically is change the conversation, FAST!  People will get the hint in a hurry.  

    Make sure you have your "In case of rain" plan solidified - if you're getting a tent, make sure you've got sides on it...  Also if there's lightening, a tent may not be the smartest idea anyway.  That's the bigger issue to plan for and deal with than thinking about a DJ, etc.  
    Report Reply
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:
    I don't think it's important. He's a good guy, we've been together every day since the day we met. And also, he has some health issues so he visits the doctors during the week and really doesn't have time to work full-time, so he takes care of our home and it's what works for us. We choose to live modestly so this way we have every minute to spend together and we don't have to worry about schedule conflicts like some people we know.
    That is not healthy. Nor is the one below. You would lose him if you insisted he work? : knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:
    He doesn't want to, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to lose him over something we don't need to be happy. We don't have the money to have the wedding his parent are willing to host, and this allows us to no longer put it off. Plus we are saving money by having it at his aunt's house versus a hall so it's not like we are breaking the bank, his parents have money and don't mind helping us. We want to have kids and I'm not getting any younger, so it will be nice to finally be married. Everyone wants to see us get married too so we really want to make sure all the important people are invited, and we wouldn't be able to do that without their help.

    Red flags aside, when it comes to your sister, just shut her down. No need to bring it up with her. The next time she says something, either say "thanks for the suggestion, we'll think about it. How's X going?" Or if she won't let it go, "we've already decided not to go with a DJ; it's not up for discussion." Hang up the phone or walk away as necessary. You're never going to convince her, but it doesn't matter. Just don't engage in the conversation. 

    Report Reply
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Dude, you were quoted, deleting isn't helping. 

    It's rude to ask for money. 

    It's okay if your FI cannot work for "reasons". My FI only works casually because a) he's been a SAHP for the last few years; b) he's back in school pursuing a second career. 

    I make enough money to keep us afloat. However, we are not having some extravagant wedding. We are keeping it intimate and small. We are also not asking anyone else to pay for anything. 

    Don't act as if you are entitled to a party, and people will generally be a bit easier on you. 
    Report Reply
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    freckles0716 said:
    TrixieJess said:
    Dude, you were quoted, deleting isn't helping. 

    It's rude to ask for money. 

    It's okay if your FI cannot work for "reasons". My FI only works casually because a) he's been a SAHP for the last few years; b) he's back in school pursuing a second career. 

    I make enough money to keep us afloat. However, we are not having some extravagant wedding. We are keeping it intimate and small. We are also not asking anyone else to pay for anything. 

    Don't act as if you are entitled to a party, and people will generally be a bit easier on you. 
    To be fair, OP and her FI did not ask for money.  And it doesn't sound like they are having an extravagant wedding.  Her FI parents OFFERED to pay for the wedding and they are planning an event within the budget set.

    Both H and I work and could have afforded a small wedding but my parents offered to foot the bill for a more fancy affair and we accepted.  Was that only okay because we both worked?  Would we have been looked down on if one of us wasn't working but the other was?  There are many couples where one person doesn't work for whatever reason and the other does.  It seems like the OP and her FI have come to a way of life that works for both of them (even though it may not work well for others) and they are now accepting a gift from his parents to pay for a small, causal wedding.  So I guess I am just not getting all the hate.

    As for OPs original question...unsolicited advice is just a part of life.  Learn to ignore it.
    They are having 100 people and they had the expectation that FI's parents would pay. Even if they didn't ask outright, I have a strong suspicion that major hints were dropped about them paying for the wedding. 
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards