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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Developmentally Disabled Cousin at Ceremony
Hi everyone - I have a developmentally disabled cousin that we are inviting to our wedding. She is in her 30s, but probably has the developmental level of a 2 year old. Our question is around our wedding ceremony.
We requested no children at the wedding, have hired professional photographers and videographers, and really would like our guests to treat it as a special moment (no cell phones, respectful silence). This poses a dilemma with my cousin:
We requested no children at the wedding, have hired professional photographers and videographers, and really would like our guests to treat it as a special moment (no cell phones, respectful silence). This poses a dilemma with my cousin:
- She will make loud grunting noises/sounds (she cannot speak)
- She occasionally will hit people nearby
Re: Developmentally Disabled Cousin at Ceremony
Also no, you cannot request that adults refrain from using their phones. That is out of line.
Regarding phones, to clarify, this is asking that people do not use their phones to take pictures or do other activities during the ceremony. Which is completely acceptable.
It's not going to go down well with your guests to be told what to do or not do with their phones. Your being the bride or groom won't make your guests feel different. They may not share their feelings with you, but that doesn't mean they approve of what you're asking them or the way you're going about it.
As for your cousin, no, there is no tactful way to bring up anything with her caregivers. All you can do is not invite her (if you haven't already sent the invitation, in which case it's too late).
I cant believe a grown adult would be so callous and heartless to exclude a family member for having the audacity to be developmentally disabled. What do you want your family to do? Sit in the car with her whilst everyone else gets to attend? I bet they have had a lifetime of being excluded, but to do it to your own family, for what- a video, is disgusting. Just have a wedding with paid extras so you can control every aspect. You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself. Shame on you.
https://www.theknot.com/content/unplugged-wedding-pros-and-cons
Obviously this can't be enforced, but during the ceremony we want our guests to be in the moment. I've been to multiple weddings over the past few years where this occurred. Post-ceremony, of course, use phones to your delight.
I also don't think posters here understand the severity of the disablement. The situation is akin to this:
- You have a good friend/relative/etc. that you'd really like to attend your wedding
- They have a baby
- You request that the wedding is children-free
- Friend/relative/etc. can only attend wedding if they were to bring their baby
- Do you make an exception, maybe provide a caretaker during the ceremony-portion?
We don't want children at our ceremony for the same reason we don't want cell phones going off, lawnmowers in the background, car engines revving, people snapping photos, or people coughing incessently. It's a 15-20 minute ceremony where we want everyone attending in the moment.Life happens. Things happen. You can’t control everything. I go back to my original suggestion of hire paid actors and distribute a script if you need this much control. You clearly don’t care about the thoughts and feelings (or even if the person is able to attend) of your ‘loved’ ones.
Christ on a cracker how much attention does a grown woman need?!
Many people have unplugged ceremonies and don't invite children to their weddings. It doesn't mean they're trying to police guests or hate children. Recording a wedding counts thousands of dollars and you can't just "do another take." As someone who works in media, that's not a thing with wedding ceremonies. There's no director who can yell "cut" or really a way to truly isolate and edit out sounds in a video in this format. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you and your SO wanting things a certain way for 15-20 minutes of this day.
And before people jump on me, I've known people who've had to deal with exact situations like this with even closer family members. And guess what? People lived because it's a freaking WEDDING, one very important, cherished day in these two people's lives. Family members who have any level of understanding of what that means know that it's not 100% about themselves or their own needs, and it's certainly not a symbol of the bride or groom's love for THEM.
My best advice to you and your SO is not listen to people here and ask friends who've been in similar situations how they've best handled it. People online are too quick to judge and are generally unable to fully grasp and understand a situation like this. And they won't put in the time to because it's easier to just spew nasty words to people dealing with a tough situation because it makes them feel virtuous.
*Edited by moderator for TOS violation-Maire
And yeah, let's assume the OP is a woman. That's cool.
Also NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR WEDDING AS MUCH AS YOU DO! I bet, even if there are no cell phones or babies, people will be sitting there thinking “how long is this going to take?” “Wonder if they are serving Swedish meatballs” “I wonder if little Joey is acting up for the sitter?” “Oh shit, it’s over already!? Lol” unless you are going to be the thought police too you will not get 15-20 minutes of everyone “attending to the moment.”
My son-in-law has a nephew with autism so severe that he cannot live with his own family because his violent outbursts put his siblings in danger. When we issued invites to our D's wedding last summer, we invited him (he is the child of SIL's older sister.) We invited his whole family. They chose to leave him with a caregiver instead of bringing him, but it was their choice. Was I relieved? Yes, because like your relative, this boy is unpredictable in his violent outbursts. But I knew it was right to invite him. And if he had attended and caused trouble, that would not have been my problem, just as it isn't yours.
You will have a much more enjoyable wedding if you recognize that you cannot, and should not, try to control every little thing. My daughter's ceremony was far from perfect even though this little boy didn't attend. There was rain, the flower girl was naughty, the pictures took way too long, there was too much cake, etc., but the whole thing was lovely anyway. Your wedding will be, too, if you err on the side of being gracious and kind.
And honestly, if you were my family member or friend and I found out that you didn't include your cousin because of their disability, I would not only not come to your wedding, I would probably cut off all contact, because that behavior is disgraceful, and you're an ableist.
You invite your cousin, or any other guest, for the entire event or none of the event.
As for the remainder of your insane requests, might I suggest a change of venue?
You seem to prefer life this way.....
The OP is being called out for rudeness in their attempt to invite a guest to a partial portion of one event. The reason people ask questions of strangers on public forums is because (in theory) they are seeking honest and objective answers. You cannot always get such a response from family and friends. If OP does have friends or family who have done similar things, it is pointless to ask a rude person how to handle a rude situation.
You are correct about one thing. People online can be quick to judge and spew nasty words. I appreciate you proving your own point by being the only one here to spew and judge.
As for your relative - I think it's horrible you want to ban her from your ceremony, all because she might have an outburst. So what? Your ceremony will still happen. You'll still end up married. And trust me on this - you won't even notice while you're up there saying your vows.
As for the the cell phones; realistically are you going to be checking to see if someone turned them off? If not then there is no way to enforce it and people will leave their phones on. If you’re having an adult only wedding people with kids will need to be able to hear from their sitters, people who are on-call for jobs will need to have their phones on to hear from their work.
On being in the moment? Even if people follow your orders to turn off their phones they can/will still be thinking about whatever they want. You can’t control people to do and be exactly how you want and the sooner you accept that the better wedding planning and life will be.
I know there are some really horrible people in the world, and it's possible. I'm just not ready for this much disgusting on a Monday morning.
OP, if you are real, you need to do some self reflection here. Why is controlling other people so important to you? Why don't you understand that your cousin is a living, breathing human being? Why are you incapable of empathy? Why do you think your wedding ceremony is so momentous that everyone needs to be "in the moment?" Is this really the kind of person you want to be? Gross.
As for your cousin, inviting her to the reception but not the ceremony is not fair to her family/caretakers who will have to worry about who will look after her during the ceremony. Also, by doing this you'd basically be saying that the cousin is good enough for one part of your wedding but not another. She may not have the capacity to understand that, but her family will, and that is hurtful to them.
The one thing that may be okay to address is her hitting people. I'm sure her caretaker has a way of keeping that under control, but if you're concerned about it, then you might want to encourage them to sit near other family who understand cousin's condition and will not be fazed if this behavior comes up. This is more worth addressing than her making noise during the ceremony.
Bottom line, I think it's best to invite your cousin to the whole event and then let her family/caretaker decide if it's a good idea for her to attend. If they decide to bring her, be gracious and don't let whatever disruptions she causes bother you too much. They won't stop you from being married at the end of the day.
In the meantime, make peace now with the reality that with or without your cousin, your wedding is not going to be 100% perfect, because no wedding is.
I gotta admit, I wasn't "in the moment" at my own damn wedding. We were on the 95th floor and there were these huge spiders in the windows. "They're so huge and gross! How did they get there? Shit, what did the officiant just say?"
(can I talk about how much I hate that phrase? "In the moment", my ass. How ridiculous it is for people to think they can tell me what to fucking THINK about? The fuck is this? Why does a wedding need to be this serious?)
But regardless, if you have to stomp your feet and make up rules to get people to pay attention to you, the problem isn't with them.
One of my favorite things ever - like, run back into a burning building to grab it because it's THAT important - is a picture my MIL took while I was walking down the aisle. The photographer was somewhere else and MIL took a picture of me from the side. My mom is in the background just BEAMING. My MIL blew it up and zoomed in on my mom. She framed it and gave it to me a couple weeks after my wedding, the night of my mom's funeral. Had I been so selfish to not allow her to take that picture, I wouldn't have my favorite moment of the day. I wouldn't have even known that moment existed. I wouldn't have this perfect picture of one of the last happy days I had with her. And that is more important to me than anything else.
OP, I really hope it’s just nerves talking and you’re not seriously thinking of excluding your cousin. The important thing about your wedding day is that the two of you are getting married. Get some perspective, or elope if you can’t handle the thought of your guests (gasp!) being human.