Developmentally Disabled Cousin at Ceremony

STARMOON44 · February 2019

knottieaa09f02bc93160de said:

Regarding the cell phones, we're having an Unplugged ceremony. There's a Knot article about this:
https://www.theknot.com/content/unplugged-wedding-pros-and-cons
Obviously this can't be enforced, but during the ceremony we want our guests to be in the moment. I've been to multiple weddings over the past few years where this occurred. Post-ceremony, of course, use phones to your delight.

I also don't think posters here understand the severity of the disablement. The situation is akin to this:
You have a good friend/relative/etc. that you'd really like to attend your wedding
They have a baby
You request that the wedding is children-free
Friend/relative/etc. can only attend wedding if they were to bring their baby
Do you make an exception, maybe provide a caretaker during the ceremony-portion?
We don't want children at our ceremony for the same reason we don't want cell phones going off, lawnmowers in the background, car engines revving, people snapping photos, or people coughing incessently. It's a 15-20 minute ceremony where we want everyone attending in the moment.

This is delusional. Leaving aside everything else, people might cough!

banana468 · February 2019

I totally forgot that only those without kids can be in the moment. They won't be wondering if they forgot to turn off a porch light, left an iron on or did their taxes. And those WITH kids really can't be in the moment.

OP, if you want a child-free event own it. But comparing the noises that a HUMAN makes while in an open public area to a MACHINE are smacking of a rather self-centered view of what's going on. It further belittles the value of a person if you're going to decide that it's the noise that they make that's a major issue to you. A child is a PERSON. And if you want an adult event due to an environment, timing, or desire that's fine. But when you comment that the reason you don't want a particular class of of HUMAN BEINGS to be at your wedding is because the very nature of them being human means that you can't control others to do exactly what you want when you want it is such a sad day to see how one human values others.

As far as wanting an unplugged ceremony I think others have already addressed it. If you want to request no photos then understand what you're getting into. When all your friends get to post wedding photos the next day to social media or just see them do you think that they're from their photographers? Your photographer is going to take days or weeks to get you what you want and even then there are going to be shots that s/he won't get. Taking a photo does not remove someone from being "in the moment". I take photos of my kids to BE in the moment and remember it.

Finally, the only thing that I *will* advise regarding how to deal with your cousin is to:
-Emphasize that OF COURSE THIS PERSON IS INVITED.
-Talk to her parents or caregiver to see what is the best way to have her attend the wedding.
-I'm going to assume that because of the nature of her developmental disability that others may have an understanding of what is best for her attendance of more public events. So ASK THEM what is recommended for her to attend at a professional level. And if she would be traveling with a caregiver then that caregiver is also an invited guest to your wedding and reception because OF COURSE you want your cousin to be there and comfortable and taken care of AS YOUR GUEST.

banana468 · February 2019

STARMOON44 said:

knottieaa09f02bc93160de said:

Regarding the cell phones, we're having an Unplugged ceremony. There's a Knot article about this:
https://www.theknot.com/content/unplugged-wedding-pros-and-cons
Obviously this can't be enforced, but during the ceremony we want our guests to be in the moment. I've been to multiple weddings over the past few years where this occurred. Post-ceremony, of course, use phones to your delight.

I also don't think posters here understand the severity of the disablement. The situation is akin to this:
You have a good friend/relative/etc. that you'd really like to attend your wedding
They have a baby
You request that the wedding is children-free
Friend/relative/etc. can only attend wedding if they were to bring their baby
Do you make an exception, maybe provide a caretaker during the ceremony-portion?
We don't want children at our ceremony for the same reason we don't want cell phones going off, lawnmowers in the background, car engines revving, people snapping photos, or people coughing incessently. It's a 15-20 minute ceremony where we want everyone attending in the moment.

This is delusional. Leaving aside everything else, people might cough!

Or sneeze!

climbingsingle · February 2019

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

knottieaa09f02bc93160de said:

Regarding the cell phones, we're having an Unplugged ceremony. There's a Knot article about this:
https://www.theknot.com/content/unplugged-wedding-pros-and-cons
Obviously this can't be enforced, but during the ceremony we want our guests to be in the moment. I've been to multiple weddings over the past few years where this occurred. Post-ceremony, of course, use phones to your delight.

I also don't think posters here understand the severity of the disablement. The situation is akin to this:
You have a good friend/relative/etc. that you'd really like to attend your wedding
They have a baby
You request that the wedding is children-free
Friend/relative/etc. can only attend wedding if they were to bring their baby
Do you make an exception, maybe provide a caretaker during the ceremony-portion?
We don't want children at our ceremony for the same reason we don't want cell phones going off, lawnmowers in the background, car engines revving, people snapping photos, or people coughing incessently. It's a 15-20 minute ceremony where we want everyone attending in the moment.

This is delusional. Leaving aside everything else, people might cough!

Or sneeze!

Well, they better not! They have to be present and be in the moment!

LD1970 · February 2019

OP, a wedding is live theater. Things go wrong in live theater. Welcome to reality.

Also, are you really going to flip your shit if someone has a coughing fit? You know that's involuntary, right?

MairePoppy · February 2019

Rather than trying to exclude your cousin from the ceremony, you should ask her caregivers if there is a way to make her comfortable. They may want a seat in the back, the front, or a quiet space for her if she is over-stimulated. It's better to approach as a concerned, loving cousin.

As for the unplugged article that you referred to, please remember that TK is a vehicle for wedding advertisers and the articles are aimed at pleasing them and brides and grooms who want to be told that anything their hearts desire is okay. Not exactly the best approach to etiquette. Once you have guests, you are responsible for making them feel comfortable and welcome. Is the unplugged request common in your group of friends and relatives? Required by your religious officiante?

When my h and I were married in front of 200 of my parents' closest friends and relatives, including children, all I could focus on was my husband, who was carefully studying his shoe throughout the ceremony. Why? I have no clue. But I didn't hear a peep from the pews.

That said, I hope you and your beloved are so caught up in the moment that everything else just fades into the background.

redwoodoriginal · February 2019

Liiiiike I really hope your groom has a coughing fit in the middle of your vows.

Jfc.

Annecdote: my HS bff got married and her SIL has developmental delays. she has a caregiver, and she makes a lot of grunts and different noises, esp in unfamiliar locations and situations. She was front row at their wedding and made noises and the wedding ceremony was so lovely I cried and the video is great and never did my bff even think not having her there, front row was an option or even pay attention to the noises made while she was focused on GETTING MARRIED.

Then again my bff is a pretty kickass loving person and you, OP.... well.

ei34 · February 2019

OP your comparing of a person to other noise is sickening. It doesn’t get much colder than that. You should have come here asking us how to make your ceremony more comfortable for her.

And I have plenty of moments without my phone where my mind still wanders to something other than the topic at hand. There are times when I’m “in the moment”- laughing with my kids, using a sharp knife to chop veggies, an intense moment at work. If I’m not in the moment at a wedding it’s not bc of my phone...I’m checking out other guests’ outfits, the flowers, wondering how the cocktail hour spread will be...it’ll be different for each guest and it’s out of your control.

knottiea80c13881918e885 · February 2019

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

banana468 · February 2019

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You must be new here. Welcome!

There's an insinuation in your comment that those who take a photo or don't do what a bride requests are somehow bad guests. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Keep in mind that a ceremony is about and for the couple. Of course no wedding guest should interfere with the ceremony, the exchange of vows or the couple themselves. But simply by being the couple of the day does not mean that the couple are entitled to ask guests to do things like avoid any photos.

Some wedding venues do not allow photography. In those instances it's perfectly fine for the couple to state this just as some venues have dress requirements. And asking for an unplugged ceremony can be over the line.

Beyond that, if you haven't been married before you need to understand that you may have a professional taking photos but that professional won't get your photos to you for weeks or months after the wedding and your guests will probably have some to you that day or within the next day. Beyond that, guests often capture photos a professional can't by simply due to the fact that the professional photographer can't be in all places at all times.

No one should block the professional or interfere with him / her doing their job. Of COURSE that is rude and I think you'll be hard pressed to find someone on this thread who thinks that it's appropriate to do so. What many ARE saying on here is to be careful what you wish for. If you insist upon guests taking no photos then you need to know that this may hurt the feelings of guests who may want their own photo and beyond that - you must be patient.

Also, I'm not sure what you think all other guest photos look like but I would hardly describe photos my guests took as looking like excrement.

flantastic · February 2019

If your photographer cannot work around guests in their seats taking their own pictures, it is the photographer whose work is the excrement.

Taking pictures IS my MIL's way of showing she cares about the event and wants to remember it herself. Generally, the couple isn't going to send her the photog's full portfolio. I would call that being "in the moment" for her.

Beyond that, I just don't think that a day can actually belong to two people and they get to be the thought police on that day.

climbingsingle · February 2019

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

Guess what? In the 80s and 90s before everyone had cell phones, people brought instant cameras to wedding ceremonies and took pictures! They even took point and shoot cameras. Can you imagine!?!?

This is not something new. People take pictures during wedding ceremonies. You don't get to dictate to your guests that they be "in the moment". It's rude and tacky.

ei34 · February 2019

climbingwife said:

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

Guess what? In the 80s and 90s before everyone had cell phones, people brought instant cameras to wedding ceremonies and took pictures! They even took point and shoot cameras. Can you imagine!?!?

This is not something new. People take pictures during wedding ceremonies. You don't get to dictate to your guests that they be "in the moment". It's rude and tacky.

My parents were married in 1983 and my paternal grandmother, may she rest, took an album full of sweet photos that she kept for herself in an album. She gave some to my parents who are a bit disorganized with photos and didn’t know where they were. My parents also had a low key wedding, no professional pics. Years later my grandmother’s album is all they have, they were incredibly touched to find it among her many photos albums when they were going through her things after she passed in late ‘16.
My own photographer took awesome photos (in spite of my guests “not being in the moment” and taking their own) but I didn’t get them for several weeks. All the guest photos were so fun to have to tide me over. Personally, if the couple is worried about where their guests’ thoughts are at during the ceremony, they’re not in the moment either.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You know what? I was going to ignore this, but I’m going to say what’s on my mind instead. If you’re going to act this way, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.

knottiea80c13881918e885 · February 2019

OurWildKingdom said:

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You know what? I was going to ignore this, but I’m going to say what’s on my mind instead. If you’re going to act this way, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.

Aw boo hoo, how would you feel to be nervous as it is up there doing your vows to look to the crowd of guests and not even see anybodies faces just a crowd of people holding up their phones like a bunch of zombies. The reception is for taking pictures, it is incredibly rude for somebody to be holding here phone up in the air blocking somebody else view bc they want to post a picture to Instagram. The bride and groom invite you there to be present with them during that moment and actually WITNESS their marriage. It is not an invitation for people to play photo shoot for their own amusement. Everyone is so obsessed with their iphones today they forget to live in the moment. It really obnoxious when you witness a random girl constantly taking selfies during a couples vows (saw it at a wedding I was at last year). But you guys would probably applaud her for that bc it isnt about the bride and groom it is about the guest. I am so sick of this forum coming after the people actually hosting the wedding and simply asking for respect.

MobKaz · February 2019

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

OurWildKingdom said:

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You know what? I was going to ignore this, but I’m going to say what’s on my mind instead. If you’re going to act this way, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.

Aw boo hoo, how would you feel to be nervous as it is up there doing your vows to look to the crowd of guests and not even see anybodies faces just a crowd of people holding up their phones like a bunch of zombies. The reception is for taking pictures, it is incredibly rude for somebody to be holding here phone up in the air blocking somebody else view bc they want to post a picture to Instagram. The bride and groom invite you there to be present with them during that moment and actually WITNESS their marriage. It is not an invitation for people to play photo shoot for their own amusement. Everyone is so obsessed with their iphones today they forget to live in the moment. It really obnoxious when you witness a random girl constantly taking selfies during a couples vows (saw it at a wedding I was at last year). But you guys would probably applaud her for that bc it isnt about the bride and groom it is about the guest. I am so sick of this forum coming after the people actually hosting the wedding and simply asking for respect.

@OurWildKingdom, even though it was obvious from the get-go, you win the prize tonight. Anyone that begins a response with, "Aw, boo hoo" , spews like a sailor on other threads, and basically throws a virtual temper tantrum, is clearly not ready for prime time forums, or perhaps, adulthood.

knottiea80c13881918e885, I am in the mood to play childish games. Never have I ever attended a wedding and witnessed "a crowd of people holding up phones like a bunch of zombies".

Not all of us are trolls or stalkers. Some of us (gasp) are really old married hags who live miserable lives and have nothing to live for save torturing brides to be.

banana468 · February 2019

I'm married and guests took photos at my wedding and reception and none of them blocked others.

No one thinks it is ok to be rude. We just don't think it's acceptable to dictate terms to guests.

And in all of that tirade it never addresses the fact that many brides LIKE the photos their guests took IN ADDITION to those their professional photographer took.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

knottiedd8ebab28b0c2220 said:

OurWildKingdom said:

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You know what? I was going to ignore this, but I’m going to say what’s on my mind instead. If you’re going to act this way, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.

Aw boo hoo, how would you feel to be nervous as it is up there doing your vows to look to the crowd of guests and not even see anybodies faces just a crowd of people holding up their phones like a bunch of zombies. The reception is for taking pictures, it is incredibly rude for somebody to be holding here phone up in the air blocking somebody else view bc they want to post a picture to Instagram. The bride and groom invite you there to be present with them during that moment and actually WITNESS their marriage. It is not an invitation for people to play photo shoot for their own amusement. Everyone is so obsessed with their iphones today they forget to live in the moment. It really obnoxious when you witness a random girl constantly taking selfies during a couples vows (saw it at a wedding I was at last year). But you guys would probably applaud her for that bc it isnt about the bride and groom it is about the guest. I am so sick of this forum coming after the people actually hosting the wedding and simply asking for respect.

SITB

@banana468, I did get carried away in my response.

OP, I had a horrible day that started out with my faith in humanity being challenged (you’d think I’d be used to it by now, I’ve been at my job for four years) and ended with my only sibling gaslighting me about something ignorant he said on Facebook. I was a little out of line, and I’m sorry.

missJeanLouise · February 2019

When I got married, I was in the moment. I know the correct song played for my dad and I to walk down the aisle and not much else. I can tell you about how the rings fell out of the box when our officiant opened it because our nephew had been shaking it, and how my husband so gently tried to put the ring on my finger I had to tell him to “just push it” lol. But if it wasn’t part of the ceremony, I was clueless. I didn’t notice One person taking pictures, not even the paid photographers (they did though and I love those pictures). I didn’t notice that my dog, who perfectly, and completely unplanned, led the precessional, had jumped into a chair in the front row! He sat there the entire time, little prince.

Don't worry about controlling other people. Just focus on you and your fiancé. Be in the moment yourself and let others be.

climbingsingle · February 2019

During my ceremony, I had no idea what was going on with my guests. Not once did I look out to the seated guests to see what they were doing. I honesty can't imagine that most brides and grooms are doing this.

Even if people are holding up their phones, WHO CARES!?!? It has no bearing on your ceremony. How about YOU be in the moment with your partner, and focus on what your officiant is saying?

ShesSoCold · February 2019

OurWildKingdom said:

knottiea80c13881918e885 said:

This is a delusional thread. All of you people must be horrible wedding guests! That is right the day is about the guests, you are invited to a wedding to do what ever you please and be rude just bc you feel like it. The bride has every right to ask if people would kindly refrain from taking pictures during the ceremony. At my friends wedding it was for the photographer to get a good shot without people holding there phones up in the way or in the background of the shot, so rude! Can't people just be in the moment for 20 minutes and leave the photos to the professionals. You guys must be from lala land if you think it is ok to be taking away from the bride and groom so you can get pictures that come out like shit.

You know what? I was going to ignore this, but I’m going to say what’s on my mind instead. If you’re going to act this way, maybe you’re not mature enough to get married.

This person isn't mature enough for a freaking message board, let alone a marriage.

Image result for eyeroll

maine7mob · February 2019

This isn't about rude wedding guests. It's about you, the bride, wanting an excuse not to invite a family member because she is developmentally disabled. And no one here will give you such an excuse.

Developmentally Disabled Cousin at Ceremony

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