Either compromise or keep the line in the sand, but mom won't stop asking.
Dear Prudence,
I’m a 37-year-old single woman. For the last five years, my mother has been badgering me to attend the annual family vacation. She makes comments all year round in an attempt to make me feel bad for not going (she’s the queen of guilt-trips). My parents, my younger brother, and my older brother (with his wife and their four kids) all go on vacation together. I just don’t find these trips fun or relaxing. My brother and his wife always have a big blow-out fight, and my mom has zero boundaries with people. I end up coming back more stressed out than when I left.
For the last five years I have been going on vacations with friends, and we have a blast. I’ve told my mom that I like spending time with my friends. I only live 30 minutes away and see them quite often throughout the year, but my mom just won’t let this go. Do I have to go on family vacations, or should I be doing what I want? I love my mother, but the thought of spending a week with her gives me anxiety because I know she’ll spend the week telling me what I should be doing with my life, and all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong, and why aren’t I married because she wants more grandkids, etc.
—Done With Family Trips
Re: Either compromise or keep the line in the sand, but mom won't stop asking.
To me, the fact that you're 37 years old and your mother still thinks she can tell you how to live your life is just as big of a problem, if not a bigger one. Have you stood up to her about this, and would you consider telling her that this is a big part of why you don't want to go on these family trips?
I also understand shitty, crazy, uncomfortable, stressful family vacations. So not wanting to go at all if fine too. However, LW needs to just keep their message consistent and bean dip mom. What LW can't do is control their mother or her asking LW to show up every year.
Also, stop giving mom the permission/ability to make you feel bad. Choose your choices.
Or go to a place *near* where they are. So you're close but you're not seeing them for breakfast.
But you get to decide your fate and limit the feelings of guilt.
So, I don't have any patience for this behavior. I DID tell MIL to stuff it, kindly and bean dipping at first, and then straight up, I said No, I meant No, and I each time you bring it up I will say No and end our conversation. And exH and I did that, exactly, for probably...3 months? She stopped and we were the only child/spouse of child that didn't have that BS run on us all the time. I'd tell LW it's hard, but stick to your truth and the consequences you outline for it being ignored. She doesn't get a pass for not respecting your boundaries just b/c she's your mother.
For several many years, we have gone to SC on vacation. Since our kids have grown and gotten married, we have continued to invite them to come for as long as they can. DD and family, and DS2 take us up on it. DS1 and DIL have only done so once. I keep inviting them hoping someday they will come because, yes, I like having my family together. However, I don't badger them (at least I don't think I do). I may ask for a definite answer because of planning purposes, but once I have the answer I'm good.
But then I got to the part where the LW already lives near their family anyway. Oh! Well now that is completely different, lol. It's time to have a blunt phrase or two. Rinse and repeat (including I am not talking about this anymore), then bean dip, to shut these conversations down. There's nothing wrong with preferring to spend vacations with friends.