She's unreasonable, but don't lie.
Dear Prudence,
My sister has six children ranging from 6 months to 12 years old. For many years, my sister and her husband established our parents as their children’s guardians if anything should happen to them, but this past year my parents’ health has declined rapidly. They’re doing OK but need daily assistance and won’t be able to take care of kids. My sister and her husband have both been in serious accidents.
My husband and I have one 15-year-old, good careers, and busy lives. Our brothers are both bachelors. My sister has been pressing me to agree to be her children’s guardians in the event of their death. She has several suitable in-laws but doesn’t like them. My husband and I gave it a lot of thought and agreed that there would be no way we could take on all six. We could take the two oldest, but my sister got furious at the suggestion. She accused me of hating her children, wanting to break up her family, and being a “complete failure” of a human being. I told her to calm down, that nothing had happened and likely never would. She said she would take in my child “in a heartbeat” and I said one child wasn’t six. Now she’s giving me the silent treatment. I don’t know what to do, and I’m worried about how this might affect my nieces and nephews. My husband says we can just placate her and say we changed our minds. I don’t want to lie.
—Reluctant Guardian
Re: She's unreasonable, but don't lie.
LW isn't unreasonable and I feel like LW has been so blindsided by sister's reaction. Going from 1 to 7 children is a massive ask. I can see how wanting to help, but knowing their limits, 2 kids seemed like a good compromise in LW's mind. I can also see where LW's H is trying to alleviate some of LW's pain from sister's obvious break with reality on this, but it's not a good idea and kind of ham-handed.
If we were dealing with a reasonable situation, I almost think there should be some kind of creative solution. Almost like the kids stay in the house they been raised in, but then they get tag teamed by family and there's a coordination of their care. Maybe one person is the 'main' person, but everyone pitches in. IDK, just spit-balling on a situation. Also, shouldn't sister have thought about this after kid 1 or 2 or 4 or something?
IDK, beyond the accidents...it feels like there is some other issues with the dynamics here. But bottom line, LW isn't wrong for not wanting to take on 6 kids. However I think guardianship is a dead issue. Maybe write a non-defensive letter (or e-mailing) that they love sis and the kids, they're sorry for hurting her and then leave it in sis's court.
If there are financial implications then talk to the sis: "We've crunched the #s and the cost / year per child is X. In addition we'd need to sell our home and buy a larger one with extra bedrooms. To make this work you'd need to take out a life insurance policy worth $ and we'd need to be the beneficiary. Unfortunately this is all what we determined is needed to ensure that we are not going to require additional financial assistance for their care."
I can see the sister's point about separating kids and feeling hurt but she also needs to see the logistical issues especially when caring for ONE is not SIX and a SIX month old is going to require a LOT of extra work.
These types of things remind me of conversations around pre-nups. Yes, talking about your untimely death (or a divorce before even getting married) and your kids left behind is so very hard, but you have to be practical. You're protecting the future for your kids and the people you wish to care for them. You can't raise kids on hope and prayer.
I'm kind of on team fuck your sister today, but fuck your sister. She can give you the silent treatment and go ask someone else. Hopefully she'll come around to acting like an adult and having a conversation once a few other people balk.
I also understand how and why it's not something everyone would be comfortable doing. You can't blame LW for knowing that's their limit.
There is also a big emotional limit and I'm irritated at the sister for not asking. DH and I have our two. Assuming we don't have a surprise we have two. As a practicing Catholic hanging out in circles on social media with those who practice NFP AND having married into a prolific family I chafe when I hear people say, "You need to always be open to having more kids because it's a sin if you don't because God provides."
My mental health and husband's mental health are at two. Not everyone feels that they are ready for more and to insinuate that everyone is is so uncharitable.
Probably the first thing out of my mouth, before I had the chance to restrain myself would have been, "WTF are you talking about? Are you insane? I could never take care of 6 children."
Then I would try to mollify my rude statement. That I love my nieces and nephews. I would want them in my life and would help their guardians (if that was wanted). But there is no way I could be their guardian.
But if my sibling wanted to pitch a hissy fit and make false accusations that I "hate her children, I'm a failure", whelp, sorry she feels that way.
Seems like the sister and BIL need to take a reality pill and realize that if something happens to them, the only answer probably is that their children would need to be split up to different family members.
As to the LW's main question, they're right and the H is VERY VERY wrong. I get that lying will smooth things over and make it easier, but that's the coward's way out and a super sh***y thing to do to a loved one over a subject as important as their children's guardianship.
Everyone is a little bit wrong here.
I also would've said no. I'm not mother material and I don't have any desire to be. If there was no other plan and the only option was foster care, I'd taken them, but we'd all be in therapy on day 1, b/c I would struggle, hard and not putting that on the kids would be hard too.
I think sister is way out of line. I'm not sure I can advise an apology from LW, b/c while I get sister being offended, but she's resorting to some really ugly statements and behaviors. If LW wants to, I think apologizing for the ill-advised suggestion is in line, but that's honestly about it.
ETA: words
But if my sister and BIL had four or more kids (maybe even 3, depending on ages), I couldn't. They'd have to go in foster care if there was nobody else. I know it's selfish. But I would hate every second of my life until they were out of my house, if I had to deal with that many children every day. It would fully ruin my and my H's life and I'm not doing that for someone else's kids, not even my sister's.
With all that said, I think my sister/BIL already have something set up where close friends have been chosen as the guardians. I think my BIL's brother's family was also talked about. They've never asked me. Probably "part" I'm not that especially close with my family and "part" my sister knows I don't want children, hence why I don't have any.
And I only recommended apologizing for hurting sis's feelings, but I feel it should only be if LW wants to be in their niece's and nephew's lives. Sis' reaction is worse than anything LW said.
I also wonder if this is the dynamic, which is a whole other ball of wax. (OMG, I can only imagine what's going on with the parent's care coordination and whatnot. It's gotta be a waking nightmare if sis is also heavily involved in that.)
I'd do it because I love them, but holy hell, it would suck so much.