Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
Fiance's Family
I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice!
My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything.
To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me.
Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything.
To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me.
Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fiance's Family
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]
The only people obligated to come up with money for wedding related events are the bride and groom. There is nothing for you to be (justifiably) angry about.
What are you confronting your FI with? His family has done nothing wrong. He certainly does not need to talk to his family about contributing; if they are capable and willing, they will offer on their own accord.
I wouldn't call myself an expert in the least, but it sounds to me like what your family has offered is very uncommon, especially with family members other than your parents also offering to chip in. Do you know if your FI's family could afford it even if they wanted to? They might not be able to, or have no idea anything is expected of them, which frankly, it shouldn't be. If they offer, great, but they are honestly under no obligation to.
You don't want to be the bride that everyone remembers later as a bridezilla... please stop thinking you're entitled to have your entire wedding paid for just because your own family is exceptionally generous.
Edit to make my text NOT centered. LOL.
And I wouldn't count on any money until it is sitting in your bank account or someone else's signature is on the contract they are footing.
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. My mom, aunts, uncles and even cousins have told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it. My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]
Oh my goodness. Your wedding is in October 2015?!?!?!?!
Please, please, just enjoy your engagement and come back to The Knot in about a year.
FI's family is probably not taking this seriously because your wedding isn't for TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
Out of curiousity, how old are you? Your mindset of expecting your families to throw money your direction since you're engaged doesn't come across as very mature</div>.
And just to add, I was also blessed to have my parents foot 100% of the bill for our wedding. We assumed we were paying for it ourselves until they approached us with their offer. His family did not contribute at all. It never even occured to me or my parents to be upset about it.
Plan for your wedding as if you have to pay for the whole thing yourself, especially if people haven't told you specifically how much they are going to help you out. There is a lot of time between now & your wedding, things could happen where they can't afford to give you the money they originally told you they would. If you plan based on what you can afford when you get the gifts of money you can either put it away or splurge on something you wanted but couldn't afford.
One other thing, when people say they are willing to help out, doesn't mean necessarily financially, it may mean in the planning process, help you make favors, put your invitations together. etc. If they told you specifically they would help you out with money, awesome. But right now, it's basically, don't count your chickens until the egg (or money is in your bank account) are hatched.
Enjoy being engaged and have fun dreaming up your wedding. Unless you're planning on booking a location that books up 1-2 years in advance, you have planty of time and can wait until after Christmas to start planning. But by all means, go hit some bridal shows & get ideas & vendor names that you can research reviews on, enjoy being engaged, it goes by so quickly.
[QUOTE]Yeah, PP's have it covered. Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]
BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks!
Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Family : BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks! Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]
<div>Previous posters. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance's Family : BTW, what are PPs/what does that stand for? It's not in the abbreviations list! Thanks! Edit: For the love of God, why are my posts suddenly defaulting to having the text being center-aligned?! GAH!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]
previous post or previous poster.</div>
What did I do about the situation? Nothing. There was nothing to do. She is not obligated to help. DH and I covered what my parents didn't. It's our wedding why wouldn' we?
I can tell you want I didn't do was confront my DH on the subject. Nor did I hold it against her with giving her less invites than my side and such. Can I ask why in the world would you think it's even okay for him to question his parents?
Everyone else has been right on. You are wrong. Stop confronting your FI about it. No one owes you a penny.
Even if they do mean money, you have to take into consideration that whoever pays for your wedding gets a say in what happens. So the only people responsible for your wedding are you and your FI. So while your wedding is still a long ways away, if you want to keep dreaming about your dream venue and your dream dress and whatnot, if you keep getting contributions from parents, grandparents, etc... you have to keep in mind that if they give you money, they get a say in the guest list and other aspects. This is a major issue for a lot of brides. If you want your wedding to go your way, you pay for it.
Also, just to repeat what everyone else has said, don't count the money until you have it in your hands. And if you're relying on other people to provide it, since your wedding is so far way, keep in mind that circumstances change for a lot of families and to have backup plans in case things change.
I sympathize, but there's no polite way to ask them to provide funding. I agree with PPs that you should plan your wedding as though it will not be provided to you.
THEN you could be angry.
Your fiance is right to be upset with you. What you are doing is the equivalant of a kid at the grocery store throwing a screaming tantrum over his mom not buying him candy at the checkout line. He has no place to expect the candy, or to throw a tantrum when he doesn't get it.
[QUOTE]I agree with nycrose on this one. I understand why you're upset. Sure, no one has to give you any money for your wedding, but it's definitely a nice gesture, and it does seem a little one-sided. Are your FI's parents financially able to help? Since you and your FI are already discussing it (and I don't think you're going to just stop feeling the way you do out of nowhere), could he delicately broach the topic with his parents? I don't think he should ask for money, btu maybe bring up in another wedding conversation, if he can do it smoothly. He could say you and he are starting to put your wedding budget together, your family said they would help with xyz, so you're both planning on covering abc. Then, just see if they jump in. Maybe they are planning to help, but didn't say anything yet because the wedding is so far away.
Posted by Jessa1404[/QUOTE]
See, here's the thing. Even if the Fi's parents are able to help pay doesn't mean they are obligated to help pay. He should absolutely not broach the topic with his parents. There's not much difference between subtly asking for money and openly asking for it.
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if anyone else here is dealing with a problem like this, but I hope so so I can get some advice! My wedding is not for quite some time still, but I feel that it is never too soon to plan out a budget and to see what we can afford, or if others can even chip in. My family has always been extremely helpful when it came to money, and they are always so generous with it. My family refuses to allow me or my fiance to pay for our engagement party, my bridal gown and other things, though I feel that if I can afford it, why not? The real help is when the wedding comes around. <strong>My</strong> mom, <strong>aunts, uncles and even cousins have</strong> <strong>told me that they will help with whatever they can and that I should not worry about it.</strong> My fiance's family on the other hand has offered absolutely nothing, and to me it just does not seem right. We are having parties for the families to get together and meet, and there has been no offer to help pay for anything. To me it seems extremely unfair that it is only my family helping out, and I don't think that's right at all. It's beginning to cause stupid fights between my fiance and I as well because I keep confronting him as to how much it angers me. Is anyone else dealing with a problem like this? And if so, how is it being handled? I've tried telling him he needs to talk to his family and figure it out but it seems like it just goes around in circles.
Posted by claudias91[/QUOTE]
Okay, seriously? Your aunts, uncles, and cousins have offered to help, yet you're fighting with your FI about his family (which he has NO control over) not offering to help pay for your wedding? How about being grateful that anyone wants to help. I haven't taken a poll, but my guess is, you're in the 1% of knotties that has aunts, uncles and cousins offering to help pay for the wedding
As far as you FIGHTING with your FI about his family not paying for YOUR wedding; it's not your family's responsibility to pay for anything. Have the wedding you and your FI can afford.
[QUOTE]I'm going to put myself out there and risk getting flamed, and say that I get that it can feel a little...weird...to have your parents offer so much and have his parents offer nothing. <strong>Especially if you had a real basis to believe they might have offered to help</strong>, or if it was common in your circle for both sets of parents to help. HOWEVER, and this a giant however, no, there is nothing you can or should do about it, and yes, it is a selfish feeling to have. Personally, I think everyone is entitled to their feelings, so long as you don't impose them on anyone else, or expect anyone to solve them by giving in to what you want. So don't let this feeling hurt your relationship with FI or with his parents, because it is a long life, and it is their money to do with what they please. Just forget about it and be grateful for your family's generosity without resenting Fi's family.
Posted by nycrose2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok I actually agree with every word of this. I'll be honest - I was a little perturbed by a similar situation because his parents paid for FI's older brother's rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception (and let's not forget the major help they gave FI's older brother with his graduate degree, house downpayment, and car). </div><div>
</div><div>I didn't expect that much, but I was surprised by how lopsided ours is too, and I'll be the first to admit it bugs me - not because it's lopsided with respect to my parents, but because it's lopsided with respect to FI's brother. I can tell it makes FI feel hurt and embarrassed that there's no real equality there - and that there's been no discussion or explanation for it (ie: money is tight now, we can't afford it anymore, etc.). It's just an unequal thing that exists. When I see FI get visibly upset by it, it makes me angry at them on his behalf.</div><div>
</div><div>I will say this though - I did NOT pick fights with my FI over this. OP, your FI probably feels ashamed that his family isn't matching yours. He may even feel hurt by it, you never know. There is nothing in the world he can do about it, and picking fights with him will only make it worse. If you are picking fights with him over his parents' financial contribution, that makes YOU the bad guy here, not him and not them.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I've discovered that the silver lining is all this is that when you aren't dependant on your inlaws, you get to call the shots. The house that my FIL's helped pay for? It's 2 miles away from theirs. The car? A make and model they wanted. The wedding? It was FMIL's "dream wedding" (she even referred to it as such), and it really didn't invovle much of the couples' ideas. And that's totally fine because it's THEIR MONEY. Read these boards and you will see time and again that money comes with strings, and you are obligated to take the contributor's wants/ideas into account when you accept their contribution. But when it's your money, you get to be free from that sort of thing and don't have to worry about accommodating their wishes. We live about 2+ hours away - and they hate that - but there's nothing in the world they can do about it, because they do not contribute to our daily lives financially.
</div>
[QUOTE]Well, of course they aren't obligated to do anything, and if the in-laws prefer not to contribute anything, I would say just be gracious and let it go. However, <strong>m aybe they are planning to chip in,</strong> and I don't see a point in the OP and her FI fighting about something that may be a non-issue with some simple communication. I'm just trying to help the OP. She asked for advice, not to be told continuously she is out of line and rude. I don't see anything wrong with the FI communicating with his parents to see where they stand on the subject.
Posted by Jessa1404[/QUOTE]
When adults are planning to offer a gift they, you know, offer it. They don't require any prompting, subtle or otherwise. OP needs to step back and realize that she's out of line for bringing this up at all, apologize to her fiance for being a PIA, and thank her fiance for having the sense to not ask his parents for any money thus keeping her from looking greedy to her FILs.