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Not Engaged Yet
Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)
I had a meltdown last night. I need to get this out... and I can't bring myself to call my bff about it yet.
BF was shopping for a car part online and we got on the topic of engagement. I was working on my budget xls and asked him about credit card debt payment (is it still zero?). He mentioned that it might or might not be. I asked why. His response was that he hadn't found the perfect ring yet. I asked well what is stopping you, and his response well it's based on cut/color/clarity/design/quality. I said to him, well if there is something tha tis stopping you that is a real relationship need/issue/growth area, please tell me before I move in. My emotion was instant sadness and fear of him getting cold feet, that "why not yet" feeling.
I tried to hide that I was a little upset by this because in my mind I had pictured him proposing on vacation, which we are leaving for next week. I hid my emotion and tried to just move on, I don't want to make him feel bad or pressure him. However, he knows that since we first decided this was serious, I have held my ground that I will not move in unless we are planning not only a wedding, but also our marriage. This brought him to point out that he wants it to be perfect and that waiting will be worth it, and that buying low now and upgrading later just isn't in his personality.
I was cheesed, having realized that we're not going to be getting engaged on vacation, or even before the end of my lease when I am supposed to move in (April 5th ish). To protect his romanticism I tried to hide my emotion.
Flash forward 2 minutes.
We do crossfit/bootcamp together, and I happen to be the slowest person in the class. Last night was a 5K row, which (as usual) I finished last. In conversation about our upcoming vacation, Greg teased me about being slow calling me "slowrow." Normally I would have laughed and called him something worse back. Given that I was already cheesed this did not go over well. I left the room and bust into tears in the bedroom. He did his due diligence and comforted me until I felt better... which was notably very sweet. (He also promised not to call me slowrow again.)
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out. Ugh, I'm such a freaking girl!!
www.nurseyk.weebly.com
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)
As far as the 'not moving in together before you're engaged', that's obviously your choice, but if you've made a date to move in together before you have a ring, I gotta say you sort of got yourself in this situation. The ideal way to do it would have been to wait until he proposed to even make plans to move in together, but obviously you can't unwind the clock, so that point is moot now.
You have a few choices should he not propose this month - you can move forward with your plans to move in together knowing that you're compromising, you can get a short term lease somewhere else for 3-6 months, move in with a friend temporarily, etc. I don't know what's best for you, but you need to think about it seriously to see what's important for you and what move is best.
Talk to him about it - let him know you're frustrated because X, Y, and Z. See what he says.
Also, try not to anticipate a proposal. I told BF a long time ago that I don't want him to propose on a holiday. For me, it limits my brain wandering into "this could be it" thinking. I don't get myself disappointed, and I am able to fully enjoy everything we experience together as a couple pre-engagement.
[QUOTE]I think it makes things very difficult for couples when they set boundaries they don't stick to. If you do not want to live together until engagement/planning/wedding, then don't make plans to move in with him until you are actually at that stage. Also, try not to anticipate a proposal. I told BF a long time ago that I don't want him to propose on a holiday. For me, it limits my brain wandering into "this could be it" thinking. I don't get myself disappointed, and I am able to fully enjoy everything we experience together as a couple pre-engagement.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
Allusive said everything that I was going to say. There's nothing wrong with not moving in with him until you're engaged- however, you really are putting the cart before the horse if you're planning this move before he's proposed.
And I'm getting the impression that you're (perhaps unconsciously) expecting engagement to be this NEXT big step that you're anxiously awaiting in your rleationship. Don't do that, you'll only drive yourself crazy. Like Shoes said, remember how great the stage you're at NOW is and focus on the present.
[QUOTE]I had a meltdown last night. I need to get this out... and I can't bring myself to call my bff about it yet. BF was shopping for a car part online and we got on the topic of engagement. <strong>I was working on my budget xls and asked him about credit card debt payment (is it still zero?).</strong> He mentioned that it might or might not be. I asked why. His response was that he hadn't found the perfect ring yet. I asked well what is stopping you, and his response well it's based on cut/color/clarity/design/quality. I said to him, well if there is something tha tis stopping you that is a real relationship need/issue/growth area, please tell me before I move in. My emotion was instant sadness and fear of him getting cold feet, that "why not yet" feeling. I tried to hide that I was a little upset by this because in my mind I had pictured him proposing on vacation, which we are leaving for next week. I hid my emotion and tried to just move on, I don't want to make him feel bad or pressure him. However, he knows that since we first decided this was serious, I have held my ground that I will not move in unless we are planning not only a wedding, but also our marriage. This brought him to point out that he wants it to be perfect and that waiting will be worth it, and that buying low now and upgrading later just isn't in his personality. I was cheesed, having realized that we're not going to be getting engaged on vacation, or even before the end of my lease when I am supposed to move in (April 5th ish). To protect his romanticism I tried to hide my emotion. Flash forward 2 minutes. We do crossfit/bootcamp together, and I happen to be the slowest person in the class. Last night was a 5K row, which (as usual) I finished last. In conversation about our upcoming vacation, Greg teased me about being slow calling me "slowrow." Normally I would have laughed and called him something worse back. Given that I was already cheesed this did not go over well. I left the room and bust into tears in the bedroom. He did his due diligence and comforted me until I felt better... which was notably very sweet. (He also promised not to call me slowrow again.) Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out. Ugh, I'm such a freaking girl!!
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]
Maybe I'm confused but were you asking him about his credit card debt because he is supposed to be using his credit card to pay for your engagement ring?
Can you sign a shorter lease? I wouldn't necessarily like to go month-to-month myself. I know it's frustrating, but you've got to weigh your emotions against logic here. Your relationship boundaries against the practical issues of moving or renewing your lease.
Also, I think it's understandable that you broke down after he poked fun. Guys have this horrible habit of NOT being psychic. I hate that, but what can you do?
You're normal- many of us have gone through similar emotional rollercoasters before we got engaged, and it does get better. Just try to let things happen. It's good to be responsible and to plan things out (like your budget), but honestly.... this is a big deal emotionally and you're trying to force yourself to be 100% logical in practice. It's difficult. Give yourself some credit- and some leeway to just let things unfold without too much of a hardcore plan. Some things in life just don't fit on a spreadsheet. Like relationships.
You CAN talk to him about this. I know you might be trying to let him be romantic, but if you can't talk to him about your relationship and your frustrations and your emotions, then who can you really talk to? You need to confide in him.
2 - I think you should talk to your boyfriend
3 - Enjoy what you've got. He sounds like a pretty awesome guy. And he sounds like he's planning on marrying you eventually, but boys are sometimes slow
When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum.
Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you.
But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.
"I don't know guys, that's a really nice thing to have in your house. I have one similar saying written on the walls all over my quiet, neat, non-childproofed home. I have it in my brand new car as a decal on the window. I even wear it on a t-shirt for when I go out to dinner or hang out at a trendy bar or go on a relaxing vacation. "All because I use birth control." It still brings a tear to my eye..." SnarkyMcSnarkerson
[QUOTE]Even the dumbest men can figure out a deadline. It will undoubtedly happen before April 5th (which happens to be my birthday, so let's assume that day brings you all the luck in the world haha) When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum. Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you. But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]
Your relationship sounds awesome. If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.
[QUOTE]Even the dumbest men can figure out a deadline. It will undoubtedly happen before April 5th (which happens to be my birthday, so let's assume that day brings you all the luck in the world haha) When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum. Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you. But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]
Uhhh... what???
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Your relationship sounds awesome. If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]
Yeeeeahhhh.... this! Communication is the key to a healthy LONG TERM relationship, not threatening someone you claim to love that you'll leave them if they don't adapt to your timeline.
I've made this analogy before, and I'll make it again - if your first serious boyfriend told you that if you didn't have sex by X day, he'd leave, that would be a pretty shitty thing to do, right? Everyone has their own timeline, and part of caring about someone else is communicating about what you both need and compromising when necessary without sacrificing your own best interests.
@SKP82 - I think I was pretty clear. And good luck on losing all that weight. 71 pounds...WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
@calindi - As much as you are enjoying your analogy, it's irrelevant. There's a difference in giving up your V card and giving up the rest of your life. Why would you waste your time with someone wondering if they'd ever decide they wanted to marry you, when you could be moving on with your life and moving towards finding the person who did? The shitty thing to do is to drag your heels and keep someone waiting who is trying to plan their future around whether they will be with you or not.
"I don't know guys, that's a really nice thing to have in your house. I have one similar saying written on the walls all over my quiet, neat, non-childproofed home. I have it in my brand new car as a decal on the window. I even wear it on a t-shirt for when I go out to dinner or hang out at a trendy bar or go on a relaxing vacation. "All because I use birth control." It still brings a tear to my eye..." SnarkyMcSnarkerson
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : <strong>Your relationship sounds awesome.</strong> If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]
<div> For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do.</div><div> </div><div> I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to. </div>
[QUOTE]@AudgiePodge - Thanks, our relationship IS awesome! :-) And I'm sorry to hear about your complex with ultimatums. @SKP82 - I think I was pretty clear. And good luck on losing all that weight. <strong>71 pounds</strong>...WOW!!!!!!!!!!! @calindi - As much as you are enjoying your analogy, it's irrelevant. There's a difference in giving up your V card and giving up the rest of your life. Why would you waste your time with someone wondering if they'd ever decide they wanted to marry you, when you could be moving on with your life and moving towards finding the person who did? The shitty thing to do is to drag your heels and keep someone waiting who is trying to plan their future around whether they will be with you or not.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]
Math fail.
...Actually, there are several kinds of fails in this post.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do. I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]
<div>Yer not from 'round these here parts, arentcha.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do. I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]
Communication is critical in a relationship and ultimatums are the epitome of bad communication. It sets a standard that every time he doesn't want to do something your way you can just threaten to leave him and that is disrespectful to his opinions and goals and detrimental to the relationship as a whole. My timeline is not superior to his so what would give me the right to give him an ultimatum? In a relationship you are supposed to make decisions together that suit both people, not just force one to bend to the will of the other through threats.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Math fail. ...Actually, there are several kinds of fails in this post.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
That's the first thing I saw too! Let's go back to elementary school shall we?!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Communication is critical in a relationship and ultimatums are the epitome of bad communication.<strong> It sets a standard that every time he doesn't want to do something your way you can just threaten to leave him and that is disrespectful to his opinions and goals and detrimental to the relationship as a whole.</strong> <strong>My timeline is not superior to his so what would give me the right to give him an ultimatum?</strong> In a relationship you are supposed to make decisions together that suit both people, not just force one to bend to the will of the other through threats.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
<div>We are adults not teenagers, I don't threaten to leave him whenever I don't get my own way and neither does he. To answer your question my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down and I became at a higher risk for having a baby with a disability and we weren't close to being married even though I'd waited patiently for him to propose on his own for 13 years.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) :my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]
Well, in your sig pic you don't look a day over 22 to me! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : We are adults not teenagers, I don't threaten to leave him whenever I don't get my own way and neither does he. To answer your question my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down and I became at a higher risk for having a baby with a disability and we weren't close to being married even though I'd waited patiently for him to propose on his own for 13 years.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]
Look, 13 years is a little different than someone just being overeager. Like you said, it was about your own personal goals. To say to someone, "I love you, we've been together as long as I can remember, but I want to have kids and I want to be married before I have kids, and if I don't have kids in the next few years, it will become more difficult and risky. So I need you to think really hard about whether this is what you want, because if you want to be with me then we need to start thinking about getting married in the next two years. If you don't want to get married, then that's okay, but I will need to move on with my life to find someone who will."
That's not quite "I want to get married on 11/11/11 and we're running out of time to plan! Either put an engagement ring on by this Valentines, or I'm breaking up with you."
One's a conversation that doesn't threaten, it just lets him know what your priorities are, and the other is a temper tantrum used by a child to get their way and a shiny ring. Biiiiig difference in my mind!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Look, 13 years is a little different than someone just being overeager. Like you said, it was about your own personal goals. <strong>To say to someone, "I love you, we've been together as long as I can remember, but I want to have kids and I want to be married before I have kids, and if I don't have kids in the next few years, it will become more difficult and risky. So I need you to think really hard about whether this is what you want, because if you want to be with me then we need to start thinking about getting married in the next two years. If you don't want to get married, then that's okay, but I will need to move on with my life to find someone who will." </strong>That's not quite "I want to get married on 11/11/11 and we're running out of time to plan! Either put an engagement ring on by this Valentines, or I'm breaking up with you." One's a conversation that doesn't threaten, it just lets him know what your priorities are, and the other is a temper tantrum used by a child to get their way and a shiny ring. Biiiiig difference in my mind!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I don't feel like that is an ultimatum or a deadline.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that's just being honest about where you're at and what you want.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that's healthy and mature, and exactly the kind of thing that Nursey shouldn't be afraid to say to her BF. That none of us should be afraid to say to our SOs.</div><div>
</div><div>There's room for compromise in that bolded part above. There's room to have a conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's okay to have some things that are just deal-breakers, and it's important to be able to communicate about what those things are BEFORE you get married.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]Update to all... BF and I had a really good talk last night. Doors were opened, hugs were given. I will write more on Friday when I have I time as I have to leave for work in 5 minutes.... and I work at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, too.
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]
That's great! I'm glad you guys are working it out.