BRIDESMAIDZILLA!! Can someone give me some advice as to how to handle a rude bridesmaid?
I recently sent the following email to someone who's blog I read about booting out a horrible bridesmaid but would like to hear what you all have to say:
Hi! I recently came across your article because I am having a really hard time with one of my bridesmaids. My fiancé is a twin and his twin brother is his Best Man. I asked his girlfriend to be a bridesmaid because I didn’t want her to think I was being rude because our other friends will be standing up in our wedding so she would be the only one out…talk about awkward! So this was 6 months ago and since then I’ve been having a really hard time getting along with her. She hasn’t ever asked about our wedding plans like the others have and it’s almost like she could care less. My fiancé and I are having a formal wedding off the strip in Las Vegas and we are from Texas so everyone is already spending money to get there. I wanted the whole bridal party travelling together and everyone agreed accept her and the best man (fiancé’s twin brother). They are going a day early to celebrate her birthday which is a week before the wedding. She had asked a few people from our bridal party if they wanted to travel with her and the best man a day early to celebrate her birthday and that really upset me because she knew I wanted everyone travelling together. She claims she never knew that (everyone else knew though) and that we’re all adults and I shouldn’t be making anyone travel on specific dates and what’s the big deal if we all fly together on a plane or not. She’s not understanding the point. It’s my wedding and my bridal party and she was taking away from that. She claims that she wasn’t doing that (basically lied to me and my fiance’s face) and that she never invited anyone to go with them even though I was standing there when she was inviting people. She refuses to listen to anything I have to say and I basically want her out of my wedding but can’t find the best way to tell her. I’m a very shy person who absolutely hates confrontation. She also says that it’s not just about my wedding and that she goes to Vegas every year for her birthday and it doesn’t always have to be about me. Well for once in my life, I think my wedding should be all about me. She has also said some really mean things like I’m being very selfish and told me that all of my bridesmaids “were” going to by my $200 bridal headband. I don’t know why she would tell me that when I simply told her that I didn’t want her inviting my whole bridal party to go to Vegas a day early for her birthday when we were all planning on going together for our wedding. She only recently mentioned her birthday, like a few days ago so this is completely new to me. I would really appreciate an opinion from an outsider. Everyone I talk to is saying I’m right, but I don’t want them to say that just to be nice. I want the truth. Am I being selfish for wanting my bridal party to travel together? And how do I remove this negative person from my bridal party?
On another note, I think she is being very selfish. My fiance and his twin brother are SUPER close to each other and my fiance wants his brother there with us when we all leave for Vegas. They have always done everything together except for this one thing...our wedding. Even though they're just leaving a day early to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday, I personally thinks it's selfish of HER to even bring up celebrating her birthday on top of our wedding plans. That's just me personally, but I would like your opinion on that as well.
Re: BRIDESMAIDZILLA!! Can someone give me some advice as to how to handle a rude bridesmaid?
How dare this girls' birthday be so close to your wedding! How dare she want people to celebrate her birthday with her! Um... do you hear how incredibly selfish that sounds? I hope so.
It's "My" wedding, "MY" bridal party. Actually it's your AND your FI's wedding. And the bridal party may be "yours" but your BM is right when she says that they are all adults and should be able to make travel plans as they choose. Seriously, you need to travel with an entourage? Having people travel separately is not going to make them any less "your" bridal party... they are your bridal party for the day of the wedding, not several days prior because on those days, you are not a bride. You are a soon-to-be bride.
Also, if you keep making a big fuss about tings like this you're just going to look more and more selfish and immature and you're probably going to end up ruining FI's relationship with his brother. You're being incredibly over dramatic by saying that they won't be together for your wedding just because they won't be traveling there together. His brother will still be there for the wedding... which only happens on ONE DAY.
Personally I think that your BM is completely right when she says you are being ridiculous, selfish and immature. I applaud her for speaking up for herself. Your wedding is not the only thing going on in everyone's lives and she deserves her birthday just as much as you deserve your wedding DAY. One day. May I reiterate.
Married Bio
Day Zero / Blog
Oh my.
Please do yourself a favor now and get over the "my day" mentality. You'll only be disappointed for the next 8 months.
Speaking of which, your wedding isn't until August and a lot can happen between now and then (maybe GF and twin bro will break up, who knows).
I think it's completely unreasonable to try to dictate when and how your entire bridal party should travel.
She's not your friend so don't expect her to be there for you. I agree that she could at least not put up a stink about things but selfish mean people are just that. Let her travel on her own.
Fall Wedding Bio
Summary - You are wrong, she's right.
[QUOTE]I recently sent the following email to someone who's blog I read about booting out a horrible bridesmaid but would like to hear what you all have to say: Hi! I recently came across your article because I am having a really hard time with one of my bridesmaids. My fiancé is a twin and his twin brother is his Best Man.<strong> I asked his girlfriend to be a bridesmaid because I didn’t want her to think I was being rude because our other friends will be standing up in our wedding so she would be the only one out…talk about awkward! </strong><font color="#0000FF">This was your first mistake. You should have only asked people who were close to you to be in the WP. You don't have to ask the groomsman's girlfriends just so they won't feel left out. I don't think she would have felt awkward about not being asked since she doesn't know you that well.</font><strong> </strong>So this was 6 months ago and since then I’ve been having a really hard time getting along with her. <strong>She hasn’t ever asked about our wedding plans like the others have and it’s almost like she could care less.</strong> <font color="#0000FF">You aren't close with her, she isn't close to you...so why would she care? Just because you gave her a pitty invite isn't going to make her super excited about all the details. Heck, even if she was close to you, not everyone is into weddings or cares about every last detail. </font>My fiancé and I are having a formal wedding off the strip in Las Vegas and we are from Texas so everyone is already spending money to get there.<strong> I wanted the whole bridal party travelling together and everyone agreed accept her and the best man (fiancé’s twin brother). They are going a day early to celebrate her birthday which is a week before the wedding. She had asked a few people from our bridal party if they wanted to travel with her and the best man a day early to celebrate her birthday and that really upset me because she knew I wanted everyone travelling together.</strong> <font color="#0000FF">I don't get this at all. Why does it matter when they get there or that you are travelling together? You'd expect her to not celebrate her birthday just so she can be on the same plane? </font>She claims she never knew that (everyone else knew though) and that we’re all adults and I shouldn’t be making anyone travel on specific dates and what’s the big deal if we all fly together on a plane or not. <strong>She’s not understanding the point. It’s my wedding and my bridal party and she was taking away from that.</strong> <font color="#0000FF">No she wasn't. You have very unrealistic expectations of what your bridal party should be doing for you. I'll say it again. They do NOT have to travel with you, and they are NOT being selfish by doing so. </font>She claims that she wasn’t doing that (basically lied to me and my fiance’s face) and that she never invited anyone to go with them even though I was standing there when she was inviting people. She refuses to listen to anything I have to say and I basically want her out of my wedding but can’t find the best way to tell her. I’m a very shy person who absolutely hates confrontation. <strong>She also says that it’s not just about my wedding and that she goes to Vegas every year for her birthday and it doesn’t always have to be about me. Well for once in my life, I think my wedding should be all about me</strong>. <font color="#0000FF">Your wedding stops being 'all about you' as soon as you invite other people. Your wedding is one day, that's all you get. If they want to go early to celebrate her birthday, then she has every right to do so. </font>She has also said some really mean things like<strong> I’m being very selfish</strong> <font color="#0000FF">You are. </font>and told me that all of my bridesmaids “were” going to by my $200 bridal headband. I don’t know why she would tell me that when I simply told her that I didn’t want her inviting my whole bridal party to go to Vegas a day early for her birthday when we were all planning on going together for our wedding. She only recently mentioned her birthday, like a few days ago so this is completely new to me. I would really appreciate an opinion from an outsider.<strong> Everyone I talk to is saying I’m right, but I don’t want them to say that just to be ni<font color="#000000">c</font><font color="#000000">e.</font><font color="#000000"> I want the truth.</font> Am I being selfish for wanting my bridal party to travel together?</strong> <font color="#0000FF">Yes, you are being selfish. </font><strong>And how do I remove this negative person from my bridal party?</strong> <font color="#0000FF">You don't unless you want to ruin your FI's relationship with his twin brother. I'm sure he'd be pretty pissed that his GF got kicked out of his brother's wedding because she wanted to celebrate her birthday and it could create a lot tension between them.</font> On another note, I think she is being very selfish. My fiance and his twin brother are SUPER close to each other and my fiance wants his brother there with us when we all leave for Vegas. They have always done everything together except for this one thing...our wedding. <font color="#000000"><strong>Even though they're just leaving a day early to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday, I personally thinks it's selfish of HER to even bring up celebrating her birthday on top of our wedding plans</strong></font>. <font color="#0000FF">No no no no no. Your wedding is ONE DAY. Outside of that, it is none of your business who celebrates whatever else they want to while they are in Vegas. As long as they are there for you on your wedding day, that's all you can expect from them. </font>That's just me personally, but I would like your opinion on that as well.
Posted by tiffanykm01[/QUOTE]
Let this go for now and focus on the bigger picture here = you and FI's wedding
You are losing your focus here....it's not about her or her b-day, it's about you and FI. Stop worrying about her and BM as they are grown adults and I don't think that either one of them are intentionally trying to sabotage your wedding day (which is where YOUR focus should be).
I can't say this enough---stop focusing on her and her b-day or travel plans and start focusing on your wedding day with your FI. Trust me, you will be A LOT happier in the end
Hope this works out for you
ETA: and DO NOT kick her out b/c that could cause some problems like PP's have said.
Fall Wedding Bio
When I say MY, obviously I'm talking about OUR because obviously I'm not marrying myself. And I don't dictate when people are going, we're just all going together because of the group reservation that we all sat down and agreed upon and paid the deposit for. So that was a group effort, not me telling people what to do. I also don't NEED an entourage...if you knew me, I am not that way. I simply had a problem with her trying to change our plans for her birthday. I could care less if she went on her own or not. I don't need her telling other people in our wedding party to cancel the plan that we already made to accommodate her birthday WHICH IS A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...actually a week and 4 days so her birthday has nothing to do with my wedding at all. She has been rude to me & especially to my fiance since we asked her to be a part of this and not just about this situation. She has a problem with EVERYTHING. And I don't think the brother would choose this girl over his family because of this anyway.
If the group goes on a different day, this means you lose on a deposit for the airline or the hotel or both? This would be a deal breaker for me, personally, and maybe some of the others will feel the same way as well if they find out they will be losing on a deposit.
Fall Wedding Bio
What other problems does she have with "everything"? If it's regarding wedding stuff, then don't talk to her about it. She knows when the wedding is and she knows what to wear, so she will be there.
[QUOTE]When I say MY, obviously I'm talking about OUR because obviously I'm not marrying myself. And I don't dictate when people are going, we're just all going together because of the group reservation that we all sat down and agreed upon and paid the deposit for. So that was a group effort, not me telling people what to do. I also don't NEED an entourage...if you knew me, I am not that way. I simply had a problem with her trying to change our plans for her birthday. I could care less if she went on her own or not. I don't need her telling other people in our wedding party to cancel the plan that we already made to accommodate her birthday WHICH IS A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...actually a week and 4 days so her birthday has nothing to do with my wedding at all. She has been rude to me & especially to my fiance since we asked her to be a part of this and not just about this situation. She has a problem with EVERYTHING. And I don't think the brother would choose this girl over his family because of this anyway.
Posted by tiffanykm01[/QUOTE]
And now you're backtracking. In the post I made where I bolded and responded to each point, you clearly were upset that she had the audacity to celebrate her birthday when it's so close to your wedding.
Let it go. You can't tell people when to travel, if they want to come earlier, it's none of your business. And maybe she wouldn't seem so rude to you if you weren't rude to her first.
You are essentially trying to make your BIL choose between his brother and his GF, and that's not okay. Seriously, just let this one go. You are wrong in every instance of your description, even in your backpeddaling. Wrong, wrong wrong.
If you were eloping with just your FI in attendance, then the whole day would be just about you - both of you, not just you. Once you invite other people you don't get to be the center of the world, even on your wedding day. "Things should be done the way I want just because I'm the bride!" is about the worst justification for getting your way ever.
[QUOTE]Our bridal party has all agreed to travel together accept her and the best man so i don't think it's "unreasonable" to want everyone else to go together <strong>when we're all leaving the same day and the same time anyway</strong> (??). Second, I'm not sure what you mean by damaging "multiple relationships". All of our friends think she's hard to deal with anyway and she's completely put herself out there to be talked about. I don't think there's anything else that I could do that would damage any relationship...let alone multiple.
Posted by tiffanykm01[/QUOTE]
Obviously she and her bf are NOT leaving the same day and time.
[QUOTE]When I say MY, obviously I'm talking about OUR because obviously I'm not marrying myself. And I don't dictate when people are going, we're just all going together because of the group reservation that we all sat down and agreed upon and paid the deposit for. So that was a group effort, not me telling people what to do. I also don't NEED an entourage...if you knew me, I am not that way. I simply had a problem with her trying to change our plans for her birthday. I could care less if she went on her own or not. I don't need her telling other people in our wedding party to cancel the plan that we already made to accommodate her birthday WHICH IS A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...actually a week and 4 days so her birthday has nothing to do with my wedding at all. She has been rude to me & especially to my fiance since we asked her to be a part of this and not just about this situation. She has a problem with EVERYTHING. And I don't think the brother would choose this girl over his family because of this anyway.
Posted by tiffanykm01[/QUOTE]
Maybe she is just trying to be helpful so people can celebrate her bday and your wedding the same weekend.
I don't see why it matters that people are travelling at different times. And be careful. She could end up being your sister-in-law. Don't ruin your relationship with her.
If I was traveling to Vegas for someone's wedding and my bday was the following week, you can bet I'd make some time to enjoy the city. You are being absolutely ridiculous here. You need to apologize to all of them.
ETA: it ceases to be YOUR day when you involve other people and their wallets. Once you involve others time, money, etc it is no longer just about you and FI, it is about what is best for the group.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaidzilla-can-someone-give-advice-handle-rude-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5a2b1343-f5c5-418e-be3f-2910e0439b6fPost:8a05160a-0f5e-4bc2-8a7c-648a017f71c4">Re: BRIDESMAIDZILLA!! Can someone give me some advice as to how to handle a rude bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I say MY, obviously I'm talking about OUR because obviously I'm not marrying myself. And I don't dictate when people are going, we're just all going together because of the group reservation that we all sat down and agreed upon and paid the deposit for. So that was a group effort, not me telling people what to do. I also don't NEED an entourage...if you knew me, I am not that way. I simply had a problem with her trying to change our plans for her birthday. I could care less if she went on her own or not. <strong>I don't need her telling other people in our wedding party to cancel the plan that we already made to accommodate her birthday WHICH IS A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...actually a week and 4 days so her birthday has nothing to do with my wedding at all. </strong> She has been rude to me & especially to my fiance since we asked her to be a part of this and not just about this situation. She has a problem with EVERYTHING. And I don't think the brother would choose this girl over his family because of this anyway.
Posted by tiffanykm01[/QUOTE]
One thing you are right about is the fact that her birthday has nothing do with your wedding! Her birthday is about HER and she can decide to celebrate it when and where and how she wants to, with whom she wants to! Your wedding is a ONE day event in which you seem to think everyone's lives need to revolve around, you are so wrong about that!
Personally if I were her there would be a good chance I wouldn't be in the wedding any longer if you are this worked up about her birthday. Because I am sure the zilla is only going to get worse as time goes on!!
As long as people are there on the day at the right time,we don't care if they fly in that morning and fly out that night. We don't care if they fly out early or stay late. Fi's parents will likely turn it into a visiting trip since they have loads of family out that way. Fine. I believe my parents are going to drive and turn it into a giant roadtrip vacay. Fine. Heck, one of our groomsmen lives in Vegas. He's ALREADY there. Fine. We want all of our friends and loved ones and their SO's to have a lovely time. That's what's important to us.
and, FWIW, I think you meant to say "except" as in excluding, instead of "accept". Just my grammar lesson for the day.
</div><div>[QUOTE]She claims... that we’re all adults and I shouldn’t be making anyone travel on specific dates [/QUOTE]</div><div>She's right.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] She’s not understanding the point. It’s my wedding and my bridal party and she was taking away from that.[/QUOTE]</div><div>You get one day. One. Also, you don't own your bridal party: they are human adults, and get to make decisions and have more than one friend.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I basically want her out of my wedding but can’t find the best way to tell her.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Because there is no good way. You will be a bridezilla if you kick her out over this.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]She also says that it’s not just about my wedding and that she goes to Vegas every year for her birthday and it doesn’t always have to be about me. Well for once in my life, I think my wedding should be all about me. [/QUOTE]</div><div>1. Your wedding is about you AND your FI, and your relationships with the wedding party and guests you invited.</div><div>2. Your wedding is ONE DAY.</div><div>3. The proximity of your wedding doesn't mean she doesn't get a birthday.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]She has also said some really mean things like I’m being very selfish [/QUOTE]</div><div>That's because you are.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]She only recently mentioned her birthday, like a few days ago so this is completely new to me.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Pssst. EVERYONE has a birthday. And, I know this is a shocker, but it comes on the SAME DAY EVERY YEAR.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Am I being selfish for wanting my bridal party to travel together? And how do I remove this negative person from my bridal party?[/QUOTE]</div><div>Yes, and you don't.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] On another note, I think she is being very selfish. My fiance and his twin brother are SUPER close to each other and my fiance wants his brother there with us when we all leave for Vegas. They have always done everything together except for this one thing...our wedding.[/QUOTE] </div><div>Then it's time he put on his big boy pants and learned to do things as an independant adult - unless you expect him to invite his brother along on your wedding night.</div><div>
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</div><div>She is not being a Bridesmaidzilla. She is not even close. You, however, are dangerously near Bridezilla territory. It's time to take a step back and remember that, even with your wedding looming, life goes on. Your friends, family, and wedding party had their own lives before you got engaged, they have their own lives while you're planning the wedding, and they will have their own lives when it's done.</div>
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</div><div>[QUOTE] And I don't dictate when people are going,[/QUOTE]</div><div>Then why are you upset that she wants to go early?</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]if you knew me, I am not that way.[/QUOTE]</div><div>All we know of you is what you posted, and based on that, you sure are.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I could care less if she went on her own or not.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Again, then why are you upset?</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I don't need her telling other people in our wedding party to cancel the plan that we already made[/QUOTE]</div><div>But, since you "don't dictate when people are going," it's up to them if they want to change their minds.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] her birthday WHICH IS A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...actually a week and 4 days so her birthday has nothing to do with my wedding at all. [/QUOTE]</div><div>Exactly. So stop trying to make it seem like her birthday is somehow hijacking your thunder. It's not.</div></div>
The ONLY exception would be if money was already tied up in this group travel plan and somebody backed out to go early. But that would be that person's fault, not FBILs GF. Don't project everything on her just because she wants to have some fun for her birthday.
Don't be selfish, which you are currently doing. She's not being selfish by wanting to celebrate her b-day in Vegas. That's absurd to say she is. It's her birthday, she can celebrate it however she wants with whomever she wants.
Let grown ups make their own decisions and your life and your planning will be so much easier and way less stressful.
I don't see what is so terrible about her and her boyfriend going early so that they can make the most out of the trip. They probably figure that since they are spending the money to fly to Vegas anyway that they will just stay a little longer. What is so bad about that?
This sounds to me like an attention thing. You only get ONE day, not a week, not a month, not all of the time leading up to your wedding day. I would just be happy that your WP is able to make it at all. My H was a GM in a Vegas wedding and almost couldn't go because we couldn't afford the trip out. I'd be thankful that your friends and family are willing to go all that way for you and I wouldn't care that they will be flying a few days early.
Could you explain the deposit thing a little more? I don't understand how their flying early means that you will be out of money. Did you get a group rate?