NER: What the heck do I do?

thelastdreamer

lilacck28 said:

Guys, to be fair: an unhappy mother who sacrifices EVERYTHING and has no life does not make for a happy child. She is allowed to have a life, a boyfriend, and not always spend money that she earns on her child. 

(this is not to say that I think she should stick with this fish. I think there's probably a fishy closer by that will make her life much easier and happier)

Totally agree, spending money on oneself is important too. But this is not like "Oh treat yourself to the spa for your mental sanity." This is pouring thousands into regular vacations which just rubs me the wrong way when she was already saying one reason to be with "FI" was to have more money and be able to work less. 

Jen4948

flantastic said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

thelastdreamer said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

OP, I was thinking about this a bit in relation to myself.

About 4 months into my relationship with my FI, I was pretty sure he was the guy I was going to marry. About 10 months in, I had the courage to say that to him, and he pretty well agreed. I was 18 and an idiot, but I was right about that.

However, we did not get engaged until 5 years later, when I had finished the grad school plans which necessarily kept us LDR, and we knew I had a job and could move to FI's city. I think indefinite engagements are trouble - there is no need to become engaged until you are sure that it is truly feasible to get married. And you are not in that place. A child is a greater commitment than one's plans for graduate school.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I appreciate you sharing this, I really do. Genuine question (directed not just to this poster, just, put it here because this is the post that me think of it): who are we hurting by saying we are engaged and plan to be married someday? And please don't say "the kids". I honestly am aiming here at "someday" being ten years down the line once kids are grown up. What does it matter, if we truly believe we can do this, to call him my fiancé?

Yourselves. Putting that expectation on your relationship will just make it that much harder if one of you cannot emigrate or even if you just get so sick of waiting to be married 6 years down the line. Pump the brakes and be willing to just see where this goes.

Stuck in box...

You might also be hurting your respective children if you tell them you will be getting married "someday" which never comes by letting them anticipate something that may never come to fruition.

ashley8918

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I honestly don't want that to come across as snippy. I was asked once already to prove myself, which I did. I am truly happy to do that again. Please don't see this as me being sarcastic. That's not the case.

Meh, don't worry about it. I didn't take offense. I can see how being asked to prove yourself could be annoying and maybe a little hurtful. But this situation really is pretty "out there".

laceykeo

For eighteen months, plus eight months of pregnancy, my life has been devoted to my boy. The week vacation was the longest I've been away from him. The next-longest was when I had to drop him to granny an grandads on Friday evening, and not get him back until Sunday lunchtime due to an unavoidable work thing.

In that time, the only "unnecessary" things I have bought for myself are a plane ticket, a blanket, a cinema ticket, and a new pair of jeans that I guess I didn't strictly need.

The next "unnecessaries" are swimming pool tickets to take DS swimming, a zoo entry ticket to take him to the zoo, and numerous indoor soft play zone entry tickets.

Everything else goes into his savings account, minus what I keep back in case he sees a toy he really wants and he's earned enough stars to get it. Or, I just plain want to treat him.

As I said, all my time goes on him. If it's nice out, we go the park, the canal, the woods, into town. If it's crap out, we build box-castles, spend an hour wrestling into rain-gear to go splash in puddles...

That lil kid is my life.

jules3964

wrongsideoftheocean said:

thelastdreamer said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

OP, I was thinking about this a bit in relation to myself.

About 4 months into my relationship with my FI, I was pretty sure he was the guy I was going to marry. About 10 months in, I had the courage to say that to him, and he pretty well agreed. I was 18 and an idiot, but I was right about that.

However, we did not get engaged until 5 years later, when I had finished the grad school plans which necessarily kept us LDR, and we knew I had a job and could move to FI's city. I think indefinite engagements are trouble - there is no need to become engaged until you are sure that it is truly feasible to get married. And you are not in that place. A child is a greater commitment than one's plans for graduate school.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I appreciate you sharing this, I really do. Genuine question (directed not just to this poster, just, put it here because this is the post that me think of it): who are we hurting by saying we are engaged and plan to be married someday? And please don't say "the kids". I honestly am aiming here at "someday" being ten years down the line once kids are grown up. What does it matter, if we truly believe we can do this, to call him my fiancé?

As PPs just stated: yourselves. People here are just trying to prepare you, so you can be somewhat realistic about your expectations. It is going to be very, very difficult waiting that long to be together. If you do it for 8 years, and then call it quits… are you going to feel like it was worth it? No one knows the future, and we all try to make the best choices we can in the present moment, so I admit that's probably an unfair question. 

I don't know. Focusing on a relationship that will be very difficult for a long time (and may not work out in the end) will keep you from finding love with someone else right in front of you. But I'm of the thought that there is more than just ONE person out there for each of us.

laceykeo

ashley8918 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I honestly don't want that to come across as snippy. I was asked once already to prove myself, which I did. I am truly happy to do that again.
Please don't see this as me being sarcastic. That's not the case.

Meh, don't worry about it. I didn't take offense. I can see how being asked to prove yourself could be annoying and maybe a little hurtful. But this situation really is pretty "out there".

Which is exactly why I put myself "out there" and asked for comments/thoughts/advice.

I've seen the threads that called called up as MUD on here. I know there's people out there that actually would conjure up this kind of madness just for... Fun??

Why I am so willing to prove myself as real.

Even in my crazy delusional mind, I can see this is pretty high on the nut tree.

laceykeo

jules3964 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

thelastdreamer said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

OP, I was thinking about this a bit in relation to myself.

About 4 months into my relationship with my FI, I was pretty sure he was the guy I was going to marry. About 10 months in, I had the courage to say that to him, and he pretty well agreed. I was 18 and an idiot, but I was right about that.

However, we did not get engaged until 5 years later, when I had finished the grad school plans which necessarily kept us LDR, and we knew I had a job and could move to FI's city. I think indefinite engagements are trouble - there is no need to become engaged until you are sure that it is truly feasible to get married. And you are not in that place. A child is a greater commitment than one's plans for graduate school.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I appreciate you sharing this, I really do.

Genuine question (directed not just to this poster, just, put it here because this is the post that me think of it): who are we hurting by saying we are engaged and plan to be married someday?

And please don't say "the kids". I honestly am aiming here at "someday" being ten years down the line once kids are grown up.
What does it matter, if we truly believe we can do this, to call him my fiancé?


As PPs just stated: yourselves. People here are just trying to prepare you, so you can be somewhat realistic about your expectations. It is going to be very, very difficult waiting that long to be together. If you do it for 8 years, and then call it quits… are you going to feel like it was worth it? No one knows the future, and we all try to make the best choices we can in the present moment, so I admit that's probably an unfair question. 

I don't know. Focusing on a relationship that will be very difficult for a long time (and may not work out in the end) will keep you from finding love with someone else right in front of you. But I'm of the thought that there is more than just ONE person out there for each of us.

And if someone else comes into my life, then, so be it. Then I will no longer be planning to destroy my sons life by trying to make something work for everyone.

Will it be worth it?
Yes.

I just spent eight years with my ex, and that didn't work out. Was that worth it?
Yes.
I have my son, who I otherwise might not have had, so there's that.
But, even with him aside, we have a lot of memories, a lot of lessons learned, to look back on.
Yeah it got bad, but, good and bad come hand in hand anyways, no?

I realise it all becomes very much not-worth it once my son is involved, or his girls, but, that's not happening any time soon anyways.



I'm getting really paranoid now my posts are coming across as argumentative, or angry, and that really isn't the case. I'm just trying to explain as much as possible.

jules3964

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

thelastdreamer said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I do not have a "typical engagement ring". I do have a ring, that he placed on my ring finger after he asked me to marry him, be that in ten months or ten years time.

You are not grasping reality. There is NO WAY it can be in ten months time. Your eighteen month, two and a half year, whatever - all those plans are out the window if you guys are going to put your kids first. THE EARLIEST you would be able to be together is if he moves to the UK after his youngest is grown. Which means 10 years. 

OP, I was thinking about this a bit in relation to myself.

About 4 months into my relationship with my FI, I was pretty sure he was the guy I was going to marry. About 10 months in, I had the courage to say that to him, and he pretty well agreed. I was 18 and an idiot, but I was right about that.

However, we did not get engaged until 5 years later, when I had finished the grad school plans which necessarily kept us LDR, and we knew I had a job and could move to FI's city. I think indefinite engagements are trouble - there is no need to become engaged until you are sure that it is truly feasible to get married. And you are not in that place. A child is a greater commitment than one's plans for graduate school.

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I appreciate you sharing this, I really do. Genuine question (directed not just to this poster, just, put it here because this is the post that me think of it): who are we hurting by saying we are engaged and plan to be married someday? And please don't say "the kids". I honestly am aiming here at "someday" being ten years down the line once kids are grown up. What does it matter, if we truly believe we can do this, to call him my fiancé?

As PPs just stated: yourselves. People here are just trying to prepare you, so you can be somewhat realistic about your expectations. It is going to be very, very difficult waiting that long to be together. If you do it for 8 years, and then call it quits… are you going to feel like it was worth it? No one knows the future, and we all try to make the best choices we can in the present moment, so I admit that's probably an unfair question. 

I don't know. Focusing on a relationship that will be very difficult for a long time (and may not work out in the end) will keep you from finding love with someone else right in front of you. But I'm of the thought that there is more than just ONE person out there for each of us.

And if someone else comes into my life, then, so be it. Then I will no longer be planning to destroy my sons life by trying to make something work for everyone. Will it be worth it? Yes. I just spent eight years with my ex, and that didn't work out. Was that worth it? Yes. I have my son, who I otherwise might not have had, so there's that. But, even with him aside, we have a lot of memories, a lot of lessons learned, to look back on. Yeah it got bad, but, good and bad come hand in hand anyways, no? I realise it all becomes very much not-worth it once my son is involved, or his girls, but, that's not happening any time soon anyways. I'm getting really paranoid now my posts are coming across as argumentative, or angry, and that really isn't the case. I'm just trying to explain as much as possible.

Good! I'm glad you feel that way. As long as you've thought this through, I wish you the best in your LDR. And, of course, a relationship resulting in your son was definitely worth it.

Your post doesn't come across as angry to me. No worries.

WinstonsGirl

Wait, you haven't answered my question.  I was wondering if you're sons Dad know about the plans to move and your ideas on possible custody situations.  You mentioned he knows you're in a relationship, but not if knows about possible custody scenarios.  

Have you discussed possible custody scenarios with the Father of your kid??

Jen4948

Well, when you add explanations later to what should have been explained in your OP or immediately after questions were asked, posters here do become skeptical.

And whatever your intentions, you are coming off as defensive.  Most of us have suggested that you stop looking for "someone else to come into your life" for now, whether that's this current man or someone else.  If your son means so much to you, then you need to be focused on his needs.  That means not entering into relationships of your own that could impair his relationship with either his father or with you.  That's what most of us think you are proposing to do by trying to plan a wedding and a move overseas to another country and expect him to go back and forth across the ocean every few months.  

If it's not happening "any time soon," maybe the best thing for both of you is if it doesn't happen at all.  Instead of "explaining" things to us about your relationships (and no, we don't have any skin in this), it might be best to invest this time in your relationship with your son and not in someone who would cause you to totally uproot not only yourself but your son as well.

laceykeo

WinstonsGirl said:

Wait, you haven't answered my question.  I was wondering if you're sons Dad know about the plans to move and your ideas on possible custody situations.  You mentioned he knows you're in a relationship, but not if knows about possible custody scenarios.  

Have you discussed possible custody scenarios with the Father of your kid??

Genuine apology, I thought I'd got it.

No.
Because in the back of my mind I knew it was mad to ever think there could be any outcome to this that wasn't the LDR scenario, and whilst I believe in being honest an open with ex regarding anything to do with his son, wanted to get things straight in my own head before approaching him with anything.

lilacck28

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Wait, you haven't answered my question.  I was wondering if you're sons Dad know about the plans to move and your ideas on possible custody situations.  You mentioned he knows you're in a relationship, but not if knows about possible custody scenarios.  

Have you discussed possible custody scenarios with the Father of your kid??

Genuine apology, I thought I'd got it. No. Because in the back of my mind I knew it was mad to ever think there could be any outcome to this that wasn't the LDR scenario, and whilst I believe in being honest an open with ex regarding anything to do with his son, wanted to get things straight in my own head before approaching him with anything.

That was probably wise. If I were your ex, and you told me of these thoughts, I would lawyer up SO FAST and start building a case against you. 

JaxInBlue

Jen4948 said:

Well, when you add explanations later to what should have been explained in your OP or immediately after questions were asked, posters here do become skeptical.

And whatever your intentions, you are coming off as defensive.  Most of us have suggested that you stop looking for "someone else to come into your life" for now, whether that's this current man or someone else.  If your son means so much to you, then you need to be focused on his needs.  That means not entering into relationships of your own that could impair his relationship with either his father or with you.  That's what most of us think you are proposing to do by trying to plan a wedding and a move overseas to another country and expect him to go back and forth across the ocean every few months.  

If it's not happening "any time soon," maybe the best thing for both of you is if it doesn't happen at all.  Instead of "explaining" things to us about your relationships (and no, we don't have any skin in this), it might be best to invest this time in your relationship with your son and not in someone who would cause you to totally uproot not only yourself but your son as well.

I agree with this.  Instead of responding to serious concerns raised here with action steps, or questions, you've really just insisted this relationship will be.  And while I give you credit for admitting it could be a long time, and that you seem to have a plan for that, it seems like you're not willing to consider that turmoil that even this state could have on your son, on your relationship with him, and on his feelings of security and well-being.

He's not even two.  And it sounds like even continuing this will be uprooting for him.  You'll be traveling far more; at some point he will need to travel with you, in order for you to know that this new family will succeed, and someone (your new FI) will be coming in and out of his life but he will be expected to treat him in a familiar and comfortable way.  This is not going to be easy for him, as much as you love him, and it certainly won't be anything you can explain to him in a way that will make sense for several years.

Have you and your FI considered, in the name of figuring out where you stand and what your true feelings are, taking a few steps back and not being so constantly in contact?  Taking some time for individual reflection, perhaps trying out hobbies and living independently?

laceykeo

Jen4948 said:

Well, when you add explanations later to what should have been explained in your OP or immediately after questions were asked, posters here do become skeptical.

And whatever your intentions, you are coming off as defensive.  Most of us have suggested that you stop looking for "someone else to come into your life" for now, whether that's this current man or someone else.  If your son means so much to you, then you need to be focused on his needs.  That means not entering into relationships of your own that could impair his relationship with either his father or with you.  That's what most of us think you are proposing to do by trying to plan a wedding and a move overseas to another country and expect him to go back and forth across the ocean every few months.  

If it's not happening "any time soon," maybe the best thing for both of you is if it doesn't happen at all.  Instead of "explaining" things to us about your relationships (and no, we don't have any skin in this), it might be best to invest this time in your relationship with your son and not in someone who would cause you to totally uproot not only yourself but your son as well.

My OP was written whilst I was in work this morning, and I admit I left some big details out. Questions were then asked about further things that I honestly hadn't thought of including in my OP as I hadn't seen the relevance until someone asked.

I was replying to questions as quickly as I could, I sent quick posts a few times explaining that I was keeping up as much as possible, and that I'd get to stuff as soon as I could.
Partly it was my fault for going to reply to one thing, then remembering something else I'd meant to say.
Partly, I was trying to keep up with the people posting in "real time" as opposed to posters who had gone, so the people here now could get the answers they were looking for.
Partly was me trying to do five other things at once and getting distracted on more than one occasion because reasons.
Partly, certainly the last couple hours at least are just me being physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

I don't want "someone else". I didn't want "someone" at all. We got chatting purely innocently, as I've talked with many other people, and things just, happened. I couldn't help that; I love the guy.

As much as I've thrown some ridiculous ideas out there... I am always focused on my sons needs. Throwing these ideas out there and watching them get shot down with good reason was the finger-snap I needed to curb the crazy.
As partially explained, my time is wholly invested in my son. If I'm not with my son, it's because I'm at work earning money for my son. If I'm on an Internet forum, it's because my son is asleep, bath done, teeth done, bedtime story and lullaby done, bag packed and meals/snacks sorted for the next day, along with activities planned/prepared for, and today's stuff put away.

LadyMillil

I'm writing this as if you were a close friend of mine who came to me for advice in this situation. I would be brutally honest with a friend, regardless of the consequences to our friendship, because I would be concerned and really worried about her getting into a terrible situation. 

The fact that he proposed to you the first time you met in person is a huge red flag to me. It doesn't matter that you've been talking online for a couple months. You can be whoever you want to be online and a week in person is not enough time to determine if everything you've been told is true. Why are you in such a hurry to marry this guy? More importantly, why is he in such a rush to get married? I am highly suspicious of his motives and I think you need to slow down and do some thinking about this - the things he has said, the way he has acted - to see if he is sincere. Is he pressuring you to move to the US? Does he want you to bring your son? Is he pressuring you to get there sooner rather than later (regardless of custody issues). These are not questions you need to answer for me, but you need to think about them. 

This is what it sounds like to me - you just got out of a long-term relationship that didn't make you happy. You aren't happy with your life. Being alone is when a lot of insecurities start to pop up, stuff like is there something wrong with me and that's why it didn't work? will I ever find someone to love me? It sounds like you are in the perfect situation for a guy to come in, all knight-in-shining armour, Prince Charming type, to save you - bring you from your unhappy life to a new place where you will have a wonderful, perfect life and live happily ever after. Maybe the guy is fine, but he isn't. I really just wonder why you are both in such a hurry in this relationship. 

levioosa

OP, I am trying to be sympathetic, but I just don't think you are seeing the whole picture. PP's have given you a ton of great, blunt, and honest advice.

Like you, I was in a long term relationship (6 years) that ended. We were not engaged (although we had talked extensively about marriage), and we did not have children. Truthfully, the relationship should have ended a few years prior to that. When it did end, I felt like Frodo throwing the ring into Mordor. "It's over! It's finished!" A few months later, I began seeing a friend of mine and we just clicked. Of course we had a honeymoon period, but the relationship was so different and I knew early on it was the real deal and not a rebound. That being said, we were friends for almost four years prior to going out, and even then, I still learned a ton of new stuff about him when we began dating. You absolutely CANNOT know "everything" about this new guy. I am also positive that he doesn't tell you "everything."

[One of] the biggest red flags in your original post was the sentiment of "love is all you need," because, honey, that is not the case. If that was the case, I, and I'm guessing a lot of other people on here would still be with our ex's. Life is much more complicated than that. Marriage is much more complicated than that. And then you're adding a kid to it!

To be blunt, you are not putting your son's best interests at heart here. You are looking for a way to have your cake and eat it too. Relying on a man you barely know to support you is a terrible idea. It's also a huge red flag that he is willing to leave his family and move to you. A supposed "great" father would see that as out of the question.

Another huge red flag for me in your original post was your statement that you are "miserable." Changing locations will not change that feeling you have in the pit of your stomach, except temporarily. That outlook is all on you. Infatuation will fade. You will be left to face the same demons you are struggling with in London in your new home. You will also be worse off since you will be isolated from any friends or family you do have in your home country. You currently have an ex who loves and cares about your son's well-being. You are so incredibly blessed to have a father who wishes to take part in his child's life. Don't take that away from him, and don't take that away from your son.

OP, you have a son, and he comes first. If that means that the relationship needs to wait the 10-16 years, then that is what has to happen. If the relationship is meant to last, it will. Four months is an impossibly short time to have met someone online and across the pond and to decide that there is an absolute future. I'm not saying it's not real, but you have to come to terms with the idea that it might just be a flash in the pan. I'm also not calling you a bad mother, but you have to know on some level that you are contemplating something terrible and poorly thought out.

Previous posters have suggested counseling. I also suggest this, especially since you have suggested that you are miserable with your current life. Learn how to be happy first as you, and take a break from this relationship while you get counseling. Because, if you can't see how harmful this will be to your son, you might be able to see how an inability to reconcile with life and to be happy will also torpedo any possible successful relationship you can have in the future.

artbyallie

Hit. The. Brakes.

You barely know this man. I'm not sure I saw myself marrying H until at least 6 months in, and I was a stupid 18-year-old when we started dating. You are solidly in the honeymoon phase, and moreover he is a rebound guy. Note that I am not saying he might not still be 'the one'--H and I were on the rebound and have stayed together. But this is not a good time for you to be planning a wedding, regardless of whether you have a date.

Especially with a LDR, it is very hard to know a person well enough for marriage in that short a time frame. He could be a molester, a cheater, anything. Add that he has children as well and it's even more ridiculously irresponsible that he proposed so quickly.

I mean I get the feeling, I really do, that you can't live without him and you want to be together nownownow... but as everyone has said, that is not an option with kids involved. And it's slightly delusional to dream that you will take your son with you, for reasons that others have pointed out. I second the suggestion of counseling.

I think because of the distance, and particularly the excitement involved with visiting and finally seeing in person the object of this internet fantasy you have built up in your head, that you have both made each other out to be too perfect. What are his flaws? He's human, he must have them. Do you know they're things you can live with? You keep gushing about being in love with them and that he is/will be a great dad, but how can you even know that? I honestly hope you haven't seen him with his or your kid, because your relationship is far too short to condone introducing an SO to children. I just don't see how you could really know much about this man beyond the very superficial at this point. Please slow down, for the sake of your child and his.

jakeiaf

I'm speaking from the point of view of a person who grew up in the middle of an ugly custody battle. I was bounced around A LOT because my mom and dad fought to be the better parent. Before I graduated I had attended 8 schools (I want to say 9 but it is technically 8 since I went to one twice from flip flopping so much) I literally was bounced around like a hot potato. My childhood sucked, having to make friends over and over. Having to deal with fighting. Having to deal with girlfriends, new marriages etc. 

I'll save my sob story (it's way to long) but the moral of the story is I've never felt like my parents put me first. For my dad it was all about being the better parent and making the world thinking I had a terrible mom. For my mom it was that I was her daughter and I needed to be raised by a woman, that woman being her. I don't think they care how I felt at all. So I would say weigh out the best interests of your child and think long term. I don't resent my parents personally, but I do resent their antics. 

MegEn1

Why are you saying you're engaged to him when you can't even feasibly plan a wedding for the next decade?

I think you're really cheating yourselves. If you do get to the point where you can see a wedding in the future - 10 years from now and his daughter is off at college and he's planning to move to England  - won't you then want the excitement of being all 'I'm getting married, we've picked out colors.'? What's the excitement of saying 'Well we've been engaged for 10 years and now we're ACTUALLY engaged because we're ACTUALLY getting married!'? Not to mention when I hear about people being 'engaged' for 4, 5, 6+ years I kind of roll my eyes - clearly they're just dating at that point and want to be special because THEY HAVE SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN THE REST OF THE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND COUPLES OUT THERE! No, you don't. If you want to get married, get married. Otherwise you're dating.

The people on this site are here because we are engaged and actively planning weddings that will happen. Just calling yourself 'engaged' for poops and chuckles seems ... I don't know I guess it seems like cheating for me. You haven't gone through the work of a relationship, testing to see if your LIVES will work well enough to make it as a unit. Marriage isn't about how much love you have in the love-meter.

Either way I'm just super turned off about calling oneself 'engaged' to more or less a total stranger.