.......But you're already married......(?)

Jessie42613 · May 2014

Does it matter if words are spoken?

When you walk out of the building, the end result is the same.

Ndelible · May 2014

This particular issue just boils my blood. It's really simple. People can do what they want. "You do not get a do over" is an opinion. That's it. Couples who wish to have a separate wedding to celebrate their marriage have every right to do so and frankly, the wedding police can go flying off of a cliff. How couples wish to celebrate their marriage should be of no consequence to anyone but them and their guests. Who is anyone to tell them different? One can have a wedding in a CH, but not the best venue. And wanting to celebrate the marriage does not diminish or belittle those who choose only the civil route. Actually, drawing that comparison is similarly saying that someone else's marriage diminishes your own (frequently cited by those who oppose same sex marriage). Get over it. What another bride chooses for her own celebration does nothing and says nothing to your choices. All the crap about weddings being an industry is true, but, hello, you are posting on a wedding industry site (oh, the horror!). Live and let live. Life is short. Eat more cake. Drink champagne. Smile. Dress up. And for those who wish to have a larger celebration of their marriage, a wedding, by all means, do so. Just no deception, k? Guests should be aware of legal status, of course.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Ndelible said:

This particular issue just boils my blood. It's really simple. People can do what they want. "You do not get a do over" is an opinion. That's it. Couples who wish to have a separate wedding to celebrate their marriage have every right to do so and frankly, the wedding police can go flying off of a cliff. How couples wish to celebrate their marriage should be of no consequence to anyone but them and their guests. Who is anyone to tell them different? One can have a wedding in a CH, but not the best venue. And wanting to celebrate the marriage does not diminish or belittle those who choose only the civil route. Actually, drawing that comparison is similarly saying that someone else's marriage diminishes your own (frequently cited by those who oppose same sex marriage). Get over it. What another bride chooses for her own celebration does nothing and says nothing to your choices. All the crap about weddings being an industry is true, but, hello, you are posting on a wedding industry site (oh, the horror!). Live and let live. Life is short. Eat more cake. Drink champagne. Smile. Dress up. And for those who wish to have a larger celebration of their marriage, a wedding, by all means, do so. Just no deception, k? Guests should be aware of legal status, of course.

Haha, you're funny. Somebody's having a PPD and feels a little defensive, eh?

But the bolded is a lot of what makes us so angry on TK. Most couple who come on here wanting a do-over are NOT telling their guests they are already married.

Look, I will side-eye the shit out of you if you have a do-over wedding because your first one wasn't "good enough." I think it's lame, and attention-whorish, and immature. But if your guests know what they are attending, it's less of an etiquette issue.

Ndelible · May 2014

Actually no, I am not having what some of the folk on here call a PPD. Not at all. My first marriage was done at a CH. We did not consider it our wedding. However, we did not feel the need to do another. Of course, that's water under the bridge, as we divorced years ago. This time around, my Baby and I are having a wedding with the legal and social trappings at the same time. What I dislike is the condescending tone of some posts. I've seen it mentioned several times by some poor unsuspecting poster, and each time the commenter is told to suck it up, this Is the internet and "we're regulars", or some other such nonsense. Well fuck me, who divorced and made y'all the wedding police? And what's so not sweet is the "many others would not attend" or "they will talk about you behind your back". So the fuck what? Know what my Momma said? They will talk about you if you do; they will talk about you if you don't. What difference does it make? And who cares?

Ndelible · May 2014

I didn't say I'd give a gift if a friend of mine decided to have a larg wedding celebration. Nope, I did not. A card would be more in the spirit of that kind of situation. However, if I had not the chance to give them something initially, I would. I would attend because it's a celebration and sour does not go well with friendship.

manateehugger · May 2014

Ndelible said:

Actually no, I am not having what some of the folk on here call a PPD. Not at all. My first marriage was done at a CH. We did not consider it our wedding. However, we did not feel the need to do another. Of course, that's water under the bridge, as we divorced years ago. This time around, my Baby and I are having a wedding with the legal and social trappings at the same time. What I dislike is the condescending tone of some posts. I've seen it mentioned several times by some poor unsuspecting poster, and each time the commenter is told to suck it up, this Is the internet and "we're regulars", or some other such nonsense. Well fuck me, who divorced and made y'all the wedding police? And what's so not sweet is the "many others would not attend" or "they will talk about you behind your back". So the fuck what? Know what my Momma said? They will talk about you if you do; they will talk about you if you don't. What difference does it make? And who cares?

The first bolded is an abhorrent attitude, insulting to everyone who did have a courthouse wedding and everyone who would kill to have a courthouse wedding.

And the second bolded is the "I do what I want" selfish attitude in other words. People who talk because they hate the brides dress or flowers love gossip and have nothing better to do. People who talk because they are confused or deceived about a couples marital status make a good point. There's a way to be a true victim when people talk poorly about you, and there's a way to be a false martyr.

hlpopper · May 2014

This is something that ended any sort of relationship that I had with my sister. I was helping her plan her wedding, even helped pay for some of it, she went and eloped with her now husband before he went off to the military and only invited his family and didn't tell anyone in our family. I only found out about it because my Dad received a bunch of cards for my sister with her new last name and not her maiden name from his family. My dad told me and my mom, and my sister just kept lying about it until I saw her post something about her "wedding" and I could no longer contain myself from publicly stating that she already eloped and had her wedding day, deciding to exclude her side of the family from the entire event. I got chewed out by her that it was not my news to tell and that I needed to take down my post or I'd never see her or hear from her again. I told her I wasn't going to help her lie and I'd take it down once she came clean and told the family the truth. I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, but still sent her an invite to my wedding in July, she RSVPed with, mind my french, "Fuck you, like hell I'd go you little bitch."

beethery · May 2014

hlpopper said:

This is something that ended any sort of relationship that I had with my sister. I was helping her plan her wedding, even helped pay for some of it, she went and eloped with her now husband before he went off to the military and only invited his family and didn't tell anyone in our family. I only found out about it because my Dad received a bunch of cards for my sister with her new last name and not her maiden name from his family. My dad told me and my mom, and my sister just kept lying about it until I saw her post something about her "wedding" and I could no longer contain myself from publicly stating that she already eloped and had her wedding day, deciding to exclude her side of the family from the entire event. I got chewed out by her that it was not my news to tell and that I needed to take down my post or I'd never see her or hear from her again. I told her I wasn't going to help her lie and I'd take it down once she came clean and told the family the truth. I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, but still sent her an invite to my wedding in July, she RSVPed with, mind my french, "Fuck you, like hell I'd go you little bitch."

First, this:

Second, that is two less bitchass people you have to deal with

VulgarGirl · May 2014

There are currently 18 states, plus DC, that will legally acknowledge my marriage. I don't live in one of those states. My state actually put a ban on gay marriage, we added into our state's constitution "Marriage is between a woman and a man".

So when I hear "that's just the legal part, not the real wedding", it pisses me off. You're being given rights I have to fight and scream for, rights I'm told I'm not good enough to have, and you're just shrugging your damn shoulders at them? They don't fucking matter? Then don't fucking get them. Live like gay couples have had to for years. With no protection, no tax breaks, no rights. Be treated as a fucking second class citizen. Or acknowledge the fact that the legal shit matters. That it is just as important as your fucking princess party.

On November 1st, I will walk down an aisle and pledge my life to my partner of 10 years. And then a few days later we will travel to California and get our marriage certificate so that we can get the federal benefits and then we will return our home state where we will treated as nothing more then roommates. Because we don't get the rights that fucking heteros are flipping the bird at and saying don't fucking matter. Sure it doesn't matter to the heteros, they have the rights. I'm sure white people didn't think sitting in the back of the bus was all that bad because they could sit up front.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

hlpopper said:

This is something that ended any sort of relationship that I had with my sister. I was helping her plan her wedding, even helped pay for some of it, she went and eloped with her now husband before he went off to the military and only invited his family and didn't tell anyone in our family. I only found out about it because my Dad received a bunch of cards for my sister with her new last name and not her maiden name from his family. My dad told me and my mom, and my sister just kept lying about it until I saw her post something about her "wedding" and I could no longer contain myself from publicly stating that she already eloped and had her wedding day, deciding to exclude her side of the family from the entire event. I got chewed out by her that it was not my news to tell and that I needed to take down my post or I'd never see her or hear from her again. I told her I wasn't going to help her lie and I'd take it down once she came clean and told the family the truth. I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, but still sent her an invite to my wedding in July, she RSVPed with, mind my french, "Fuck you, like hell I'd go you little bitch."

Wow! I am sorry your sister is too much of a brat to admit she was wrong and apologize.

I find that people who stay angry and respond like she did are usually feeling super guilty over what they have done in the past but aren't a big enough person, or have to big of an ego, to admit their wrong and apologize.

hlpopper · May 2014

@beethery - I was never particularly close to my sister, she had done a lot of things to hurt me over the years and even tried to break my Fiance and I up, so I didn't really want her there, but I was willing to forgive her and invite her to the Wedding until she did that and it reminded me why I didn't want her there in the first place. @Maggie0829 - It's nothing to be sorry about, I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers, I'm bound to have a terrible feud with one of them and because there's only one who I don't get along with and I'm close with my other siblings, I count my blessings. I just hope that one day she'll grow up for her sake and the sake of her son. Also, thanks for the support and comment with my whole jealous bridesmaid a while back XD

wrigleyville · May 2014

Ndelible said:

My first marriage was done at a CH. We did not consider it our wedding.

Then why even fucking do it?

Oh, that's right. Tax breaks, health insurance, etc.

Nobody wants to admit that was their wedding until it's convenient for THEM. Want health insurance? Fuck yeah, we're married!

Oh, but that means we can't have another wedding? Damn. I guess we aren't "really married" then.

It's such a bullshit attitude, and I am sick to fucking death of it. You either get married in a courthouse and live with your decision or wait a little while to have a larger wedding (note I did not say "real wedding" or "better wedding").

KGold80 · May 2014

MagicInk said:

There are currently 18 states, plus DC, that will legally acknowledge my marriage. I don't live in one of those states. My state actually put a ban on gay marriage, we added into our state's constitution "Marriage is between a woman and a man".

So when I hear "that's just the legal part, not the real wedding", it pisses me off. You're being given rights I have to fight and scream for, rights I'm told I'm not good enough to have, and you're just shrugging your damn shoulders at them? They don't fucking matter? Then don't fucking get them. Live like gay couples have had to for years. With no protection, no tax breaks, no rights. Be treated as a fucking second class citizen. Or acknowledge the fact that the legal shit matters. That it is just as important as your fucking princess party.

On November 1st, I will walk down an aisle and pledge my life to my partner of 10 years. And then a few days later we will travel to California and get our marriage certificate so that we can get the federal benefits and then we will return our home state where we will treated as nothing more then roommates. Because we don't get the rights that fucking heteros are flipping the bird at and saying don't fucking matter. Sure it doesn't matter to the heteros, they have the rights. I'm sure white people didn't think sitting in the back of the bus was all that bad because they could sit up front.

THIS. ALL OF THIS.

Those of you who don't consider your legal marriage to be "real" because you didn't get a big ass party and a poofy white dress are delusional.

Ndelible · May 2014

Too many assumptions going on here to even keep up! Perhaps those of you claiming that getting married and having a wedding celebration are one in the same, should check yourselves. Note I said that we did not feel the need to have a large ceremony aka party aka wedding. We were just as married if we did. No one is questioning that. We were married. Where I part company is to make the rather nasty judgement that people cannot have the celebration of their marriage as they wish. I hate to tell you delusional broads, but people do it each and every day. Have been doing it for years. It does nothing to your marriage or wedding. Nothing. It's their choice. There is nothing to prevent them from doing as they wish. There is no harm, unless there is some deception going on. Why say anything since I am defending something I am not doing myself? Pretty sick of the petty condescension that runs rampant on these boards.

Ndelible · May 2014

Those of you worried about someone else spending their own money too throw a party are the delusional ones. I don't recall any ladies stating they didn't consider themselves married (as in sharing a name, if that's your choice), they want to celebrate their marriage with friends and family. They have the money to pay and the guests to attend, who is anyone to judge them?

Ndelible · May 2014

What you fail to understand is that people can do both! One does not negate or supersede the other. The marriage is the important part. The legal part. The part the State recognizes. The wedding is the celebration of the marriage. Some people choose to do the marriage private, small or at a CH. Others choose a wedding with a number of friends and family. IMO, if one wants to, one can do both, but not necessarily at the same time. It's not terrible. It's not hurting anyone and frankly, anyone can have. A do-over if they want to and want to spend the money on it. Some people decide to save up for the celebration that they want. They don't have to wait to be married, IMO. Times have changed. People have diverse and varied circumstances.

Ndelible · May 2014

PDKH said:

Ndelible said:

Actually no, I am not having what some of the folk on here call a PPD. Not at all. My first marriage was done at a CH. We did not consider it our wedding. However, we did not feel the need to do another. Of course, that's water under the bridge, as we divorced years ago. This time around, my Baby and I are having a wedding with the legal and social trappings at the same time. What I dislike is the condescending tone of some posts. I've seen it mentioned several times by some poor unsuspecting poster, and each time the commenter is told to suck it up, this Is the internet and "we're regulars", or some other such nonsense. Well fuck me, who divorced and made y'all the wedding police? And what's so not sweet is the "many others would not attend" or "they will talk about you behind your back". So the fuck what? Know what my Momma said? They will talk about you if you do; they will talk about you if you don't. What difference does it make? And who cares?

The first bolded is an abhorrent attitude, insulting to everyone who did have a courthouse wedding and everyone who would kill to have a courthouse wedding.

What part of m first marriage was performed in a court house did you miss? Actually, that was the important part. We did not feel the need to follow up with a traditional wedding celebration. We were married and that was enough, but if we wanted to, we could have. Didn't make us any more or less married. Made us married with less bills.
And the second bolded is the "I do what I want" selfish attitude in other words. People who talk because they hate the brides dress or flowers love gossip and have nothing better to do. People who talk because they are confused or deceived about a couples marital status make a good point. There's a way to be a true victim when people talk poorly about you, and there's a way to be a false martyr.

Again, I have already said that deception is a whole 'nother ball of wax. Over my lifetime, I've seen plenty of weddings separate from civil marriage. There was no deception; everyone knew they were married. Where the heck does lying to anyone get a pass? No. People just wish to celebrate in the way that they want to with family and friends. That's all.

NavyBlue143 · May 2014

wedding[ wed-ing ] noun 1. the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials. The wedding is the part where you become wed. Wedding is more of a verb than a noun. Whether at a courthouse, church, or beach in Tahiti, the wedding is the part where two people are legally joined together. Having a fancy party is not what makes it a wedding. The act of legally getting married is. Without that, it is not a wedding, because nobody is being wed. The RECEPTION is meant to be the celebration of the marriage, as well as a thank you to your guests. But you're calling a JOP ceremony marriage and a fancy party a wedding. There's no difference! The day you became wed was your wedding day. No matter the trappings involved.

Ndelible · May 2014

Again, those are opinions. Everyone is entitled to one. Just advocating choice, that's all.

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

No, that's not an opinion. That's the legal definition.

Until every consenting adult can have a recognized CH wedding in any state - to say it's not is classism as I understand. Granted, I'm heterosexual and white, so I really don't know enough. But you are saying very important rights that are willfully trampled on for others aren't important enough to count. If it's so trivial, then don't have any legally recognized marriage, including common law, and accept the lack of access to very basic privileges that should be rights, like being with your partner in the hospital.

manateehugger · May 2014

Ndelible said:

Again, those are opinions. Everyone is entitled to one. Just advocating choice, that's all.

LOL Then it's the general opinion of public society and every state and federal government institution...so uh, I think that wins.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

@Ndelible But you're missing half of what we are saying. YES, you (general you, I know you personally aren't doing this) can choose to celebrate your marriage later, after the wedding occurs. Just call it a "celebration of marriage" and don't make it a fake wedding.

Nobody here is saying that a couple cannot throw a party to celebrate their recent marriage if they want. What we're saying is that party is not and never can be a wedding, because nobody will become wed at that party.

And Magic, Navy, and Princess are spot on-- by saying a CH wedding is not a real wedding, you are disparaging very important rights that a large portion of the population is still denied. Not to mention completely screwing up the priorities of commitment and marriage.

Ndelible · May 2014

No, the legal rights recognized by the State are the most important. The celebration comes second in my mind. In the US, we can do them together . But, one does not have to. That's the beauty, people can do the civil thing quietly and do a big celebration, if they so choose. It is the opinion of some that it can't be done that way. Again, an opinion. There is no law against people planning and having a large celebration of their marriage. You win nothing.

Ndelible · May 2014

Wow. I got married in a court house. Um, a real marriage people. What I didn't have was a wedding.

wrigleyville · May 2014

BUT IT'S NOT A WEDDING. It's a party. That's why doing the whole "wedding" thing with the dress, the aisle, the wedding party, etc is stupid. YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED SO YOU CAN'T HAVE A WEDDING.

Also, a definition is not "an opinion".

I'd love for you to apply for benefits and have someone say, "Well, it's just my opinion, but you aren't actually married, even though you have a license."

If you have a license, you are married. If you are married, YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR WEDDING.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Ndelible said:

Wow. I got married in a court house. Um, a real marriage people. What I didn't have was a wedding.

But you had a wedding, congratulations! You became wed. I think you're just confused on definitions. If you became wed, it's a wedding. If you did not become wed, it's not a wedding.

And what do you say to our point that a later party is totally fine if you are honest (I know you agree there) and don't do a fake re-enactment? Why isn't calling something a "celebration of marriage" satisfactory? I think we don't really disagree that much, if we can all just say a "celebration of marriage" without lying or acting out a play for guests is fine.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

beethery said:

hlpopper said:

This is something that ended any sort of relationship that I had with my sister. I was helping her plan her wedding, even helped pay for some of it, she went and eloped with her now husband before he went off to the military and only invited his family and didn't tell anyone in our family. I only found out about it because my Dad received a bunch of cards for my sister with her new last name and not her maiden name from his family. My dad told me and my mom, and my sister just kept lying about it until I saw her post something about her "wedding" and I could no longer contain myself from publicly stating that she already eloped and had her wedding day, deciding to exclude her side of the family from the entire event. I got chewed out by her that it was not my news to tell and that I needed to take down my post or I'd never see her or hear from her again. I told her I wasn't going to help her lie and I'd take it down once she came clean and told the family the truth. I hadn't spoken to her in over a year, but still sent her an invite to my wedding in July, she RSVPed with, mind my french, "Fuck you, like hell I'd go you little bitch."

First, this:

Second, that is two less bitchass people you have to deal with

@beethery I may need to supplement my siggy...

manateehugger · May 2014

Ndelible said:

Wow. I got married in a court house. Um, a real marriage people. What I didn't have was a wedding.

If you were wed in that moment (see definitions above), then that was a wedding. I don't understand how you don't understand. I dare you to tell a woman perfectly happy with her courthouse wedding that she didn't have a wedding.

Wedding is not a synonym for giant party. If it takes a giant white dress, bouquet, and DJ to have a wedding, women for thousands of years never had weddings. Women in other parts of the world are still not having weddings by that definition.

Ndelible · May 2014

Ever heard the term "legally wedded". Guess that must mean there is a state of being "illegally wedded". Perhaps a couple cannot be re-legally wedded, but there is nothing wrong, IMO, of them celebrating that marriage how they wish. That's my point. Cake, dress, tux... Whatever. The only thing they may be guilty of is offending someone else's sensibilities. So, again, who cares? The way some folks go on about how horrible it is, you would think the couple is grinding puppies and selling tickets. Man. It's a fancy dress, an over the top cake and maybe questionable dancing by drunk relatives... Think of it this way, it's pumping money back into the economy. Certainly not the worst thing ever as made out here.

wrigleyville · May 2014

It pisses me off because so many people say the CH isn't a "real wedding" and that they need to have the fancy party with the fake wedding ceremony (they're already married, so yes, it's fake) to make it real somehow. THAT'S what we don't like. That's an insult to anyone who got married in a CH and to those who have been fighting for the right to do so for their entire life.

Having a party is fine. Having a wedding redo, a PPD, etc is NOT fine.

.......But you're already married......(?)

Re: .......But you're already married......(?)

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