.......But you're already married......(?)

LondonLisa

Please show me where one is ENTITLED to a big white wedding dress celebration? What social contract do you have that the wedding overlord guaranteed you the opportunity to be the centre of the universe? Because, really, I would love to see a copy.

You had your wedding when you were legally wed. It is a binary state. You are either married or not. If on any legal document you can say without lying "I am married" then congrats, it's done, you are married. Don't try to double talk with semantics and half-arsed justifications about vow readings etc. Are you legally married? Yes? You COULD have waited to have this done on a big white wedding celebration day, but you didn't. Tough. Live with your decision and quit pouting!

One of my dear friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer just after her Fi proposed. They got married in the hospital chapel where she was having surgery. It was more important to her to be married than to wait for the big white wedding day. When people asked if she wanted to wait and have the dress etc, she said " Why?! Life is too short and I don't need a dress to show I'm married! I have my husband and if I had to do it again, I'll choose having a husband and being in my hospital gown a million times over." THAT is a real marriage. 

This world doesn't owe you ANYTHING! Grow up and quit throwing a temper tantrum because the world isn't paying you enough attention.

edited- typo.

mariahlr10

OH. MY. GOSH. I totally agree!!!!

I know of two people that have done that. 

Ok, I get it. You had to get married earlier than you would've hoped. 

However, the moment you two are legally married, that's your wedding day! Not when you have your 'wedding ceremony.' 

UGH. I have been so annoyed by this for SO long. 

Nov182015

I understand that the courthouse wedding is not as "magical" or princess-y as a $30,000 wedding.

I get that. However, I do not understand her being "nervous" to "marry" her husband.

Just have a reception. You can still have a pretty dress, and the DJ and food and whatever else.

mrs4everhart

Nov182015 said:

I understand that the courthouse wedding is not as "magical" or princess-y as a $30,000 wedding.

I get that. However, I do not understand her being "nervous" to "marry" her husband.

Just have a reception. You can still have a pretty dress, and the DJ and food and whatever else.

For people getting married this way (separating the legal from the ceremonial) the legal particulars rarely brings with them the emotional aspect that the ceremonial would. I personally don't understand being nervous, period, if I had apprehensions I wouldn't marry the person in any fashion. But for people doing things this way their ceremony is the only wedding they accept as legit and any and all emotions that one would feel on their wedding day apply. Including I suppose, nervousness.

slothiegal

LondonLisa said:

Please show me where one is ENTITLED to a big white wedding dress celebration? What social contract do you have that the wedding overlord guaranteed you the opportunity to be the centre of the universe? Because, really, I would love to see a copy.

You had your wedding when you were legally wed. It is a binary state. You are either married or not. If on any legal document you can say without lying "I am married" then congrats, it's done, you are married. Don't try to double talk with semantics and half-arsed justifications about vow readings etc. Are you legally married? Yes? You COULD have waited to have this done on a big white wedding celebration day, but you didn't. Tough. Live with your decision and quit pouting!

One of my dear friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer just after her Fi proposed. They got married in the hospital chapel where she was having surgery. It was more important to her to be married than to wait for the big white wedding day. When people asked if she wanted to wait and have the dress etc, she said " Why?! Life is too short and I don't need a dress to show I'm married! I have my husband and if I had to do it again, I'll choose having a husband and being in my hospital gown a million times over." THAT is a real marriage. 

This world doesn't owe you ANYTHING! Grow up and quit throwing a temper tantrum because the world isn't paying you enough attention.

edited- typo.

SIB

I went to "love" your comment and then realized I already had.

I need to just stay out of this thread, because it only results in me either a) rolling my eyes until they strain or b) loving comments I already have.

Favouritecake

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

banana468

Favouritecake said:

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

But you DID want people to see you as married. You just didn't know them. And then you lied about it.

Cookie Pusher

Favouritecake said:

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

So you only wanted to be recognized as married when it suited and benefited you? 

mrs4everhart

Favouritecake said:

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

SITB! @Favouritecake - Been there, doing that (although a visa wasn't at issue). I just totally get where you're coming from about the way you FELT about the whole thing (as opposed to what was legal and what wasn't). You're not alone in choosing an alternative route versus giving up what you wanted. Best of luck in your marriage and congrats!

CMGragain

I suggest that you ladies read The Wedding Girl, by Madeleine Wickham (a.k.a. Sophie Kinsella).

alpacalunch

Favouritecake said:

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

But... You did it properly. Legally. 

Favouritecake

STBMrsEverhart thank you!  Best of luck to you as well!  It's great to hear an understanding voice! 

There are interesting opinions here, and everyone is entitled to them!  I know there's a constant debate on what 'being married' means, whether it's signing a piece of paper in a courthouse, having a giant wedding or eloping.  For us, it was starting a marriage, our life, and celebrating the crap out of it with our closest friends and family.  I personally don't think the sanctity of marriage is defined by signing a document, but just my opinion.  We did choose be recognised as married when it suited us, and could have easily done the whole thing when we had to get married for visas...but why rush into things?  Doing things on your own terms won't harm anyone.  

With all wedding/marriage related things there's always one constant: there is NO right or wrong!  Everyone is different and at the end of the day the most important thing is that they are happy husbands and wives.  

AddieCake

Favouritecake said:

I have to politely share another opinion here. I got 'married' legally years before we had our wedding. It was for visa purposes. We knew we wanted to get married eventually but needed to fast track it in order to live in the same country. We literally signed a piece of paper at a court house, didn't even have rings or take one photo. We told no one and put it out of our minds that anything even happened - we wanted to downplay it as much as possible to save it for the real thing. We had our proper wedding last year and it felt just as if it was the first time. For us, getting married meant standing in front of your closest friends and family and vowing to spend forever together. It's announcing it to the world. A legally binding piece of paper doesn't do that, you do. I guess the difference with us was that no one knew but still, to each their own!

First bolded: 

No, you didn't. The day you got legally married is when you had your wedding. And it's disturbing to me that you put 'married' in quotation marks. 

Second bolded:

Wow. I don't even have words for this. 

Third bolded;

This is offensive to people who had courthouse style weddings that didn't feel the need to have other ceremonies in addition. A courthouse JOP wedding is just as "proper" as any other kind. 

Maggie0829

It is really amazing how flippant people can be about signing a legal document that binds them together for life with another person.

AddieCake

Maggie0829 said:

It is really amazing how flippant people can be about signing a legal document that binds them together for life with another person.

So much this! I don't even mind PPDs so much under certain circumstances and if people are not being deceived, but this poster's attitude....the "putting it out of mind" bullshit.....ewwww. That really rubbed me the wrong way. Let's do it so we can get the benefits, but let's not let the peskiness of having to do that put a cloud on our really wanting to have a different kind of ceremony! Reap the benefits and acknowledge it when need be, but just pretend it never happened when it's not part of our fun plan!  Disgusting. There are people who can't legally get married at all and would love the chance to sign those papers. 

MobKaz

Favouritecake said:

STBMrsEverhart thank you!  Best of luck to you as well!  It's great to hear an understanding voice! 

There are interesting opinions here, and everyone is entitled to them!  I know there's a constant debate on what 'being married' means, whether it's signing a piece of paper in a courthouse, having a giant wedding or eloping.  For us, it was starting a marriage, our life, and celebrating the crap out of it with our closest friends and family.  I personally don't think the sanctity of marriage is defined by signing a document, but just my opinion.  We did choose be recognised as married when it suited us, and could have easily done the whole thing when we had to get married for visas...but why rush into things?  Doing things on your own terms won't harm anyone.  

With all wedding/marriage related things there's always one constant: there is NO right or wrong!  Everyone is different and at the end of the day the most important thing is that they are happy husbands and wives.  

To the bolded.....that speaks for itself, and you.

There actually IS a wrong.  The issue is whether you have the character to recognize it.

mrs4everhart

Maggie0829 said:

It is really amazing how flippant people can be about signing a legal document that binds them together for life with another person.

Signing on the dotted line was easily the part that we could be the most flippant about. No legal document can bind me to another human being for 20 minutes let along the rest of my life. That legal document is only binding until such time as one or both members of a married couple files some new paperwork and more fees, not exactly what I'd call binding. For many of us giving our word, that is binding. That means something. Deciding I'm going to freely spend the rest of my life with someone, that's heavy. Looking someone dead in the eye and saying, yea, you're my ride or die, THAT'S something to approach seriously and after careful consideration. What your local government thinks about it? Meh. Especially since your local government will dissolve your marital status without a second thought, just more ink, paper and money the moment you get the urge. 

mrs4everhart

MobKaz said:

Favouritecake said:

STBMrsEverhart thank you!  Best of luck to you as well!  It's great to hear an understanding voice! 

There are interesting opinions here, and everyone is entitled to them!  I know there's a constant debate on what 'being married' means, whether it's signing a piece of paper in a courthouse, having a giant wedding or eloping.  For us, it was starting a marriage, our life, and celebrating the crap out of it with our closest friends and family.  I personally don't think the sanctity of marriage is defined by signing a document, but just my opinion.  We did choose be recognised as married when it suited us, and could have easily done the whole thing when we had to get married for visas...but why rush into things?  Doing things on your own terms won't harm anyone.  

With all wedding/marriage related things there's always one constant: there is NO right or wrong!  Everyone is different and at the end of the day the most important thing is that they are happy husbands and wives.  

To the bolded.....that speaks for itself, and you.

There actually IS a wrong.  The issue is whether you have the character to recognize it.

Hmm... I know I'm not experiencing a crisis of character. How 'bout you @favouritecake? 

I also don't think the sanctity of marriage has anything to do with legal documents. And I sleep like a baby at night, so my conscience is clean as a whistle! I'll also add since it takes two to tango as it were, I can say Mr. E isn't having any issues with his character either. He's legit. 

CMGragain

If you don't believe that marriage has anything to do with legal documents, just wait until you get widowed or divorced!  Then you will see!

sophhabobopha

STBMrsEverhart said:

MobKaz said:

Favouritecake said:

STBMrsEverhart thank you!  Best of luck to you as well!  It's great to hear an understanding voice! 

There are interesting opinions here, and everyone is entitled to them!  I know there's a constant debate on what 'being married' means, whether it's signing a piece of paper in a courthouse, having a giant wedding or eloping.  For us, it was starting a marriage, our life, and celebrating the crap out of it with our closest friends and family.  I personally don't think the sanctity of marriage is defined by signing a document, but just my opinion.  We did choose be recognised as married when it suited us, and could have easily done the whole thing when we had to get married for visas...but why rush into things?  Doing things on your own terms won't harm anyone.  

With all wedding/marriage related things there's always one constant: there is NO right or wrong!  Everyone is different and at the end of the day the most important thing is that they are happy husbands and wives.  

To the bolded.....that speaks for itself, and you.

There actually IS a wrong.  The issue is whether you have the character to recognize it.

Hmm... I know I'm not experiencing a crisis of character. How 'bout you @favouritecake? 

I also don't think the sanctity of marriage has anything to do with legal documents. And I sleep like a baby at night, so my conscience is clean as a whistle! I'll also add since it takes two to tango as it were, I can say Mr. E isn't having any issues with his character either. He's legit. 

AddieCake

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

mrs4everhart

CMGragain said:

If you don't believe that marriage has anything to do with legal documents, just wait until you get widowed or divorced!  Then you will see!

I am divorced. I speak from experience. It was signing a bunch of papers instead of one and slightly more expensive, but at the end of the day, it was ink, paper and money. 

sophhabobopha

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

Yeah babies sleep like shit.

mrs4everhart

sophhabobopha said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

MobKaz said:

Favouritecake said:

STBMrsEverhart thank you!  Best of luck to you as well!  It's great to hear an understanding voice! 

There are interesting opinions here, and everyone is entitled to them!  I know there's a constant debate on what 'being married' means, whether it's signing a piece of paper in a courthouse, having a giant wedding or eloping.  For us, it was starting a marriage, our life, and celebrating the crap out of it with our closest friends and family.  I personally don't think the sanctity of marriage is defined by signing a document, but just my opinion.  We did choose be recognised as married when it suited us, and could have easily done the whole thing when we had to get married for visas...but why rush into things?  Doing things on your own terms won't harm anyone.  

With all wedding/marriage related things there's always one constant: there is NO right or wrong!  Everyone is different and at the end of the day the most important thing is that they are happy husbands and wives.  

To the bolded.....that speaks for itself, and you.

There actually IS a wrong.  The issue is whether you have the character to recognize it.

Hmm... I know I'm not experiencing a crisis of character. How 'bout you @favouritecake? 

I also don't think the sanctity of marriage has anything to do with legal documents. And I sleep like a baby at night, so my conscience is clean as a whistle! I'll also add since it takes two to tango as it were, I can say Mr. E isn't having any issues with his character either. He's legit. 

Judge away! Heaving a giant sigh of relief I was raised to not concern myself with other people's opinions. Cause god knows, everyone's got one! And I feel good saying Mr. E wouldn't care either, he has a real dislike for online wedding forums so doubtful it's personal :-)

KeptInStitches

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

I border on ashamed to say that I remember when Mythbusters tested this ... and figured out just how much force it takes to take candy from a baby.

chibiyui

KeptInStitches said:

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

I border on ashamed to say that I remember when Mythbusters tested this ... and figured out just how much force it takes to take candy from a baby.

Ain't no shame in that game.

CMGragain

STBMrsEverhart said:

CMGragain said:

If you don't believe that marriage has anything to do with legal documents, just wait until you get widowed or divorced!  Then you will see!

I am divorced. I speak from experience. It was signing a bunch of papers instead of one and slightly more expensive, but at the end of the day, it was ink, paper and money. 

...and the government that recognized the legality of your divorce.

KeptInStitches

chibiyui said:

KeptInStitches said:

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

I border on ashamed to say that I remember when Mythbusters tested this ... and figured out just how much force it takes to take candy from a baby.

Ain't no shame in that game.

I think I love you.

rajahmd

chibiyui said:

KeptInStitches said:

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

I border on ashamed to say that I remember when Mythbusters tested this ... and figured out just how much force it takes to take candy from a baby.

Ain't no shame in that game.

Quoting just so this GIF shows up again.

mrs4everhart

AddieCake said:

I never understood the expression sleep like a baby. Don't babies wake up a lot? Or taking candy from a baby. That seems like it would be pretty damned hard if they really wanted it and had their little baby death grip on it!

Perhaps I should have said I sleep like the dead, which shouldn't be taken literally either. I assume babies wake up a lot during the night but probably not due to the stress of their lacking in moral fortitude. If my 79 pound American bulldog wasn't kicking me in his sleep, or using me as a pillow, or flopping around the bed like a mad man I'd sleep peacefully too. 

CMGragain said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

CMGragain said:

If you don't believe that marriage has anything to do with legal documents, just wait until you get widowed or divorced!  Then you will see!

I am divorced. I speak from experience. It was signing a bunch of papers instead of one and slightly more expensive, but at the end of the day, it was ink, paper and money. 

...and the government that recognized the legality of your divorce.

Yes, we filed both sets of documents with the government. I still never saw that as defining my relationship. Just like I don't now.