Wedding Etiquette Forum

Family Feud, and the baby isn't even here yet

24

Re: Family Feud, and the baby isn't even here yet

  • look it seems like you came here wanting everyone to say, "OMG they are so mean!!!! I'm so sad for you!" and that didn't happen.  People pointed out that you too made people feel put out at your wedding by not including their SO's and you got defensive.  This isn't as complicated as you're making it.  
    RebeccaB88doeydoBrandNewJ
  • Again, point made. Did you even read the OP, or do you just feel like attacking?
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

    I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

    So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!
    People have spoken to your issue.

    And you may not have thought that you were judging people's relationships but that is most likely how it came across from your friends who may have been in relationships at the time of your wedding and their SOs were left off the invite.  And it doesn't matter how long someone is in a relationship for those individuals to deem it serious.  You and no one else for that matter can determine the seriousness of their relationship just based off the time span.

    PrettyGirlLostdoeydo
  • I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.


    I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

    So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!
    I read your OP. I get that it's frustrating that they led you on and then made an exception for the child of another couple. I get it.

    What I'm not understanding is why are you seeing this as an issue of husband goes solo or drops out?

    Why is the concept of leaving your baby with a sitter near the wedding not something you two are willing to do?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.

    I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for. 

    The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.

    I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

    So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!
    You have been given multiple options.

    You can stay home while your H attends

    You can both attend and find a sitter out there

    You can both stay home

    You can not act like the couple is purposefully being mean to you and that you deserve an exception because you invited the bride to your wedding.
    image



    Anniversary
    RebeccaB88PrettyGirlLosts-aries8990doeydo
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.

    I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for. 

    The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.
    So you aren't going to respond to the posters asking you about possibly getting a sitter near the wedding location?

    And I don't care if you didn't mind being left off the invite or not.  And blaming not inviting them on a small wedding and costs are excuses.

    MyNameIsNotPrettyGirlLosts-aries8990doeydo
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    And I think I've said repeatedly that I don't support him dropping out, he's the one considering on a purely personal level. As stated in my original post, I feel badly that my husband is in this position, but he feels stuck regardless of what I say.
    I don't understand why he feels stuck.  You say you don't support him dropping out so you tell him "Honey, go to your cousins wedding.  Little Timmy and I will be just fine for a few days."
    @maggie0829 is always so wise.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    rajahmdhuskypuppy14
  • You obviously don't like the advice that you're getting here, but that doesn't mean you haven't gotten it. 

    Everyone is basically suggesting two options: go and get a sitter or stay home and miss the wedding. I think there does exist a third option, that your husband not go either, and you both stay home, but the main reason I suggest this is because it is totally legitimate for your husband to not feel comfortable or does not want to leave the baby either. What I mean is it is legitimate for your husband to not want to leave you and the baby across the country while he goes to a wedding, but that you should NOT suggest this to him, let him decide his own feelings. 

    If you don't like these options, then you are out of luck, but don't act like you aren't receiving advice just because you don't like the advice. That's childish.
    PrettyGirlLostdoeydoluckysnorkelAPDSS22
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    And Banana and I both just made comments sympathetic to you-- they led you on.  You still have the same options PPs have suggested, but we understand why you are upset about it.  That's just life though, you have to figure out where to go from here.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLost
  • Whew, hostile!
    I'm sorry that soooo many people got off topic here. I agree with many of their points, but holy cow you already got married, it's over.  Also, after 15 different people have scolded you, I'm not sure why the 16th person feels the need to do so as well.  This board is meant to help people, not harass the bejeezus out of them.

    To your ACTUAL POINT - I think it's perfectly fine to reach out the the couple - especially since the guys are so close.  Just let them know your situation and see what happens.  If it were me I would stay out of it entirely and let the guys hash it out.  If you can't go that is a big bummer, but it's just how weddings are, I guess.
    image
    PennyBlossom2311CrazyDiamond129
  • I respectfully disagree. When you have a very small wedding, you make the best decisions you can. I have been left off of invites for the very same reason, when my husband and I hadn't been dating for very long. It's reality given the cost of weddings today, and I have never taken it personally.


    I'd say more, but it's just not the issue I came on for. 

    The attacking and quickness to judge on here amaze me, and I'm sorry I came on at all. With that, I'm off.
    You're off because you're not acknowledging that you HAVE been rude and that you have other options here.

    Stop with the attitude. The only one here with one AND you're not responding to the legitimate suggestions.


    PrettyGirlLostdoeydo
  • antoto said:

    Whew, hostile!

    I'm sorry that soooo many people got off topic here. I agree with many of their points, but holy cow you already got married, it's over.  Also, after 15 different people have scolded you, I'm not sure why the 16th person feels the need to do so as well.  This board is meant to help people, not harass the bejeezus out of them.

    To your ACTUAL POINT - I think it's perfectly fine to reach out the the couple - especially since the guys are so close.  Just let them know your situation and see what happens.  If it were me I would stay out of it entirely and let the guys hash it out.  If you can't go that is a big bummer, but it's just how weddings are, I guess.


    The OP opened herself up to criticism of her previous actions when she phrased her response like she did this come a huge favor during her wedding planning when in reality, the plans were totally rude and she doesn't get the brownie points she thinks she deserved.

    PrettyGirlLostdoeydo
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    LOL you're really stuck on this one. Get left off an invite once and still sore over it? Get over it, that's not even the issue of the OP.
    Ok, then take your own advice and get over the fact that your child isn't invited to this wedding.

    If your husband wants to back out of the wedding because he doesn't want to leave you and the baby home alone, then that is his prerogative.  But he should  do so gracefully and not try to guilt his relatives into inviting your child to their event.

    Or he can attend the wedding without you two.

    Or all of you can fly out together, he can attend the ceremony, and then the three of you can do your own thing in the city.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Amyzen83SKPMHisGirlFriday13PennyBlossom2311
  • We're not having children at our wedding. We are making no exceptions - so I get why this couple is doing this. Our two best friends are in our wedding - they have a child under 1 - she will not be an exception. It's nothing personal towards them. It's our wedding, our big day and our decision. 

    You need to respect this couple, encourage your husband to go enjoy himself and not give it another thought. Let him know that you're happy to be at home with your new baby and have some baby and mommy time. Make lemons into lemonade so to speak.
  • I feel for you as far as the child thing is concerned. I know my friends have babies and I have invited them because I wouldnt want them to make a choice between their child and our wedding.

    IF I had any out of town friends or family, but especially family I would make an exception if I was having an adults only wedding.

    If I were in your situation, I would be just as miffed, and I wouldnt attend, and I may or may not make a comment to hubby about staying.
    CrazyDiamond129
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2014
    Your kid isn't invited. Take your own advice - get over it. Your husband can go to the wedding and you can stay home with the kid. Problem solved. 

    PrettyGirlLostMaggie0829RebeccaB88cowgirl8238
  • OP...

    1) you can be upset about it, but the happy couple are not required to allow all kids to the wedding. Even if it's a "no kid" wedding in the email, the child that is allowed, as you stated, was someone in the bride's family. Couples can and do allow kids in circles, and this is ok as long as it's equal (ie, kids of brides siblings= kids of grooms siblings too). You have not indicated if this child is the bride's cousin's kid, or what, just that it's someone in the family.

    2) It is absolutely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other. It doesn't matter if the  "we need to keep our numbers down" drum is being beaten to death. If you can't afford to have that many people, don't invite that many. Emily Post, Etiquette Hell, even Martha Stewart will tell you this same information. How would you like it if you and your husband were getting serious, but you didn't have a ring yet, and he received an invite only for him, from someone who knows both of you? You brought it up, now you get to enjoy the responses and side eyes.

    3) You say you "never had to post here" when planning your wedding. Did you lurk? You would have seen dozens of posts from women all over the world decrying the invite stunt you pulled. You might consider your different regions, backgrounds, and upbringing, but it doesn't matter- you were rude.

    4) Again with "never had to post here"- you joined the Knot January 30th, according to your profile. So you never used the site during your planning at all? I'm starting to smell MUD... especially as all of your posts and replies are limited to this single thread.

    5.) Your responses over it being pointed out that you weren't exactly an etiquette maeven at your own wedding have been rude and immature (still sore over it....get over it....shame on you). You characterize this as a "family feud." From here, it looks like a disagreement/some hurt feelings over who is included in an invitation, apparently (hopefully) being handled privately by the adults in the situation (groom, husband, bride to be, and you). Not a family feud. Yet.

    It actually doesn't have to be equal. Let's say B is close to her cousins (who happen to be children) but G isn't close to his. They can chose to invite B's and not G's. They can even invite Cousin S who is related to Band not Cousin M even though she's related to be too, if she's not close to M. It just usually helps to invite in circles to avoid family drama.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is perfectly fine for a couple to choose to have a kid-free wedding without making any exceptions for nursing babies, etc.  However, what they did (actually saying "no-kids" in an email) was very rude.  
    So, you either choose to give the baby to a sitter, one of you stay home with the baby while the other goes, or you can both stay home.
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    Teddy917PrettyGirlLost
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2014

    Whew, hostile!

    Listen, people have have given you plenty of advice. No need to get mad.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • PPs gave you valid options.  Why are you not addressing them?

    1)  Tell your husband to go without you and you'll stay home with the baby.
    2)  All 3 of you travel, your husband attends the wedding alone, and the 3 of you enjoy the rest of your time in the city together.
    3)  All 3 of you travel, you both attend the wedding and arrange for a sitter during the wedding.

    Your husband has the additional option of bowing out and not attending without the two of you, but that should be a decision that he makes on his own.  

    What happened at your wedding is done, but previous posters are correct in saying that etiquette doesn't allow you to judge the validity or seriousness of someone's relationship - all SOs should be invited if they're together when the invites go out.  Pointing out this faux pas in planning is for the benefit of current and future posters/lurkers alike and isn't just a huge personal attack on you.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    I'm really not suggesting that about unmarried couples. A couple posters decided to take that one and run with it rather than read the OP and consider the actual issues. The reality is, our guestlist started with people who were either single or engaged/married, so it's not like we were excluding SOs left and right. Obviously people who have been in a relationship for 2 years or more is very different from someone who went on their first date last week.


    I suppose I'll repost later under some other pseudonym, and hope that people actually focus on the question rather than nitpick details just to let out their pent up aggression.

    So glad I never did come on here when i was planning. There is some real hostility!
    Nobody is being mean or hostile. You aren't seeing the big deal. You have no right to determine someone's relationship. Posting under a different name is just asking for trouble on this site.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • I can't blame @pineapplepam for feeling like it is slap in the face...she is not wrong for feeling a bit slighted.  That being said, I do like the suggestions that the PP's have posted on here.  I would say to avoid all trouble, you would have to decline the invite, let your DH be the best man...if the couple asks why, then you explain to them and hopefully they understand graciously or maybe make some sort of exception and change their mind.
    CrazyDiamond129
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