Wedding Etiquette Forum

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

  • Based on ATB's theory I can't figure out if FI and I weren't really a "couple" until very far into our relationship or if I've been "equivalent to engaged" many many times.  I'm not really comfortable with either scenario.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    HisGirlFriday13mbross3Amyzen83
  • NYCBruin said:
    Based on ATB's theory I can't figure out if FI and I weren't really a "couple" until very far into our relationship or if I've been "equivalent to engaged" many many times.  I'm not really comfortable with either scenario.
    Probably both, actually. Since not all relationships deserve recognition and all. Clearly your relationship status could be determined by outsiders who don't know you and your FI.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    miaawallace
  • Sars06 said:

    MISS MANNERS -- the Queen of Etiquette herself -- says that anyone who considers themselves a couple must be invited together. Not a married or equivalent couple. Not an engaged or equivalent couple. Any couple is a social unit and must be recognised as such at a wedding. 

    This is correct, and I believe I've posted the citation here before. Also, if there is any question as to the nature of friend's relationship, how difficult is it to just ask, "Hey, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend I should also invite to the wedding?"

    I trust my friends not to ask to bring a one-night stand to my wedding, FFS.
    That's exactly what I said in response to all of this.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    Sars06 said:

    MISS MANNERS -- the Queen of Etiquette herself -- says that anyone who considers themselves a couple must be invited together. Not a married or equivalent couple. Not an engaged or equivalent couple. Any couple is a social unit and must be recognised as such at a wedding. 

    This is correct, and I believe I've posted the citation here before. Also, if there is any question as to the nature of friend's relationship, how difficult is it to just ask, "Hey, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend I should also invite to the wedding?"

    I trust my friends not to ask to bring a one-night stand to my wedding, FFS.
    Super difficult, obviously.  Don't you know brides are busy planning the PERFECT day, they have no time to deal with finding out about what is happening in their loved ones' lives.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostgrumbledoreknottie83bd5c83a89b9680
  • @PrettyGirlLost - I completely agree that it may not be feasible for her to get out of this contract. I also don't know if we have enough information to know that. How far off is the wedding? How much money is involved in backing away?

    We just sent out our STD out at 7 months because we have about half of our guests coming form OOT. At this point - we would only be forfeiting $500. If we somehow realized as we got excited inquiries about our wedding that we couldn't host at our venue - it would be worth the $500 lost to me to host my guests appropriately. (Luckily with our numbers and size of venue it is literally impossible to go over our limit unless our married guests start bring multiple GF/BF for some reason. :-) )
  • abbyj700 said:
    @PrettyGirlLost - I completely agree that it may not be feasible for her to get out of this contract. I also don't know if we have enough information to know that. How far off is the wedding? How much money is involved in backing away?

    We just sent out our STD out at 7 months because we have about half of our guests coming form OOT. At this point - we would only be forfeiting $500. If we somehow realized as we got excited inquiries about our wedding that we couldn't host at our venue - it would be worth the $500 lost to me to host my guests appropriately. (Luckily with our numbers and size of venue it is literally impossible to go over our limit unless our married guests start bring multiple GF/BF for some reason. :-) )
    If I backed out of my reception venue contract now I would lose my deposit- $5000- and owe the venue 50% of the food, beverage, site rental, and applicable sales tax based on the minimum estimate in the contract we signed.

    Not to mention the fact that it would be nigh impossible to book another reception venue for our wedding date at this point in time.



    NYCBruin said:
    Sars06 said:

    MISS MANNERS -- the Queen of Etiquette herself -- says that anyone who considers themselves a couple must be invited together. Not a married or equivalent couple. Not an engaged or equivalent couple. Any couple is a social unit and must be recognised as such at a wedding. 

    This is correct, and I believe I've posted the citation here before. Also, if there is any question as to the nature of friend's relationship, how difficult is it to just ask, "Hey, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend I should also invite to the wedding?"

    I trust my friends not to ask to bring a one-night stand to my wedding, FFS.
    Super difficult, obviously.  Don't you know brides are busy planning the PERFECT day, they have no time to deal with finding out about what is happening in their loved ones' lives.
    Yeah, it's really hard to FB message, text. email, or call all of these people!  Not to mention the fact that you have to ask people for updated mailing address info too. . . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Amyzen83

  • lyndausvi said: I do not understand the concept of inviting people to your wedding, yet not giving a damn about their feeling towards having their date, SO, FI or any other type of companion attend with them. 
    This is my general attitude towards the issue. I definitely get the etiquette standard regarding truly single guests, that you don't
    have to extend them a date/+1. However, I just feel that if I'm asking someone to spend their time, several hours of their day, and most likely some kind of money to come to my wedding, I wouldn't want them to have to do it alone. Sure, they may know other people at the wedding, but so might someone in a social unit and we wouldn't use that as an excuse to split them up, right? I just think such a huge social event as a wedding isn't one I'd want to attend alone, so I personally wouldn't invite anyone I care about to attend mine alone, either.

    Although, again, I don't have a problem with the etiquette standard regarding it. Just my personal feelings.
    PrettyGirlLostlc07luckysnorkeljules3964
  • edited March 2014
    Wow.. Didn't think people could be so rude on this thing.

    IMO, I don't think you need to invite the boyfriend/girlfriend of your guest if they haven't been dating for a while.  You mentioned that your guests just started dating their new bf/gf, so the relationship is fairly new. Have you actually hung out with your guest's new bf/gf? Have you spent hours/days/weeks getting to know this new person?  If you haven't, then NO you should not have to feel obligated to invite someone to YOUR wedding.
    On the other hand, if your guest has been with this bf/gf for a while and the relationship is mature and significant, then of course, you should invite.  If you've met the bf/gf and have actually spent time with them (significant time) then you should invite.

    Don't feel obligated to do what you don't feel is wrong.  You have a budget and you have to make decisions (strong or not strong) either way...
  • Wow.. Didn't think people could be so rude on this thing.

    IMO, I don't think you need to invite the boyfriend/girlfriend of your guest if they haven't been dating for a while.  You mentioned that your guests just started dating their new bf/gf, so the relationship is fairly new. Have you actually hung out with your guest's new bf/gf? Have you spent hours/days/weeks getting to know this new person?  If you haven't, then NO you should not have to feel obligated to invite someone to YOUR wedding.
    On the other hand, if your guest has been with this bf/gf for a while and the relationship is mature and significant, then of course, you should invite.  If you've met the bf/gf and have actually spent time with them (significant time) then you should invite.

    Don't feel obligated to do what you don't feel is wrong.  You have a budget and you have to make decisions (strong or not strong) either way...
    How long is "a while"? Please define it. Is it 6 months? 1 year? Does the clock start from the reception date or when the invites are sent out? If someone is dating for 5 months and 29 days, do they not get to bring their girlfriend as opposed to someone dating for 6 months and 1 day?

    I know people that dated for a month, got engaged, and now have been married for over 20 years. I also know people that casually dated for 7 years and broke up. It is not your job to determine the seriousness of someone's relationship. If they call someone a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, then they are a social unit and must be invited together. 

    If you have budget issues, cut social units (couples), not SO's. You are inviting these people to your wedding because you supposedly love them. Why would you not care about their feelings when you disrespect their relationship? Not inviting their SO is hurtful and disrespectful. 
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostgrumbledoreluckysnorkel
  • Wow.. Didn't think people could be so rude on this thing.

    IMO, I don't think you need to invite the boyfriend/girlfriend of your guest if they haven't been dating for a while.  You mentioned that your guests just started dating their new bf/gf, so the relationship is fairly new. Have you actually hung out with your guest's new bf/gf? Have you spent hours/days/weeks getting to know this new person?  If you haven't, then NO you should not have to feel obligated to invite someone to YOUR wedding.
    On the other hand, if your guest has been with this bf/gf for a while and the relationship is mature and significant, then of course, you should invite.  If you've met the bf/gf and have actually spent time with them (significant time) then you should invite.

    Don't feel obligated to do what you don't feel is wrong.  You have a budget and you have to make decisions (strong or not strong) either way...
    @michellex413 - Please tell us what your definition of "for awhile" is.  I would really like to know.

    I would also like to know your definition of "mature and significant."

    Oh and one does not need to know the SO to invite them to an event.  The fact that they are dating a friend or family member should be enough to invite them to their wedding.

    LondonLisaAmyzen83PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    May 25, 2014
    The Day I Marry My Best Friend
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Your "single" guests would not have had an SO to bring. Single means not part of a couple. So to the bolded, this just doesn't make any sense. If someone is truly single when invites go out, you don't have to give them a plus one. 

    If you're inviting anyone in a relationship than you need to invite their SO. Just married people? You weren't even married to you SO at that point! So by your own reasoning your relationship wasn't worth acknowledging?? That is some faulty (read: DUMB) logic. 
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostZiggyZosluckysnorkel
  • ScoutF said:



    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.

    A
    You do realize that neither you or your fiance were married at that point?

    As to the bolded, I bet there was some talking going on that you aren't aware of. It's rude, plain and simple. Especially the fact you felt the need to mention to only RSVP for guests listed on the invitation. RUDE.


    FI have been together for almost 6, so by that logic I wouldn't have been invited to any weddings with him yet.He tells me he planned to proposed for our two year anniversary, but I was diagnosed with cancer shortly before that and he knew that had to be a priority time wise and money wise. Our friend was married only 6 weeks after meeting him wife, and they are now divorced. Marriage doesn't always reflect the significance of a relationship. FI and I have always considered our self in a significant relationship from pretty early on. I'm not sure why, but I knew early on this guy was important part of my life. Guess what, if you invited either of us as singles to a wedding we would decline.
    PrettyGirlLostpinkshorts27luckysnorkel
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Oh for fuck's sake, is the April Fool's invasion starting early?  Or are you relaly just that dense?

    Read the bolded. . . you cannot be single if you have an SO.  Those are mutually exclusive terms.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    mbross3
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    1. Send @KnotPorscha three name suggestions and have her change your username to something that's not your businesses' e-mail address.

    2. What you did was rude.

    3. Trust me, your single guests talked shit about you behind your back.
    Her single guests didn't necessarily talk any shit, but her guests who were in relationships and were not permitted to bring their SO's certainly did if they were dumb enough to attend the wedding at all.  I would have declined.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    grumbledorelizybeff
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    Yeah...no.  Last year my cousin got married, and my BF was not invited.  I was not happy, almost considered not going to the wedding, but went to make my parents happy.  To this day, I have still not let it go, and probably never will.  She basically excluded her future cousin-in-law.  BF has not let it go either.  Do not ruin your relationships with your guests because you think their relationships aren't good enough for your "special day."
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    ScoutFlizybeffluckysnorkel
  • Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    I hope you and your FI did not or will not be attending together.  After all, you weren't/aren't married yet so your relationship does not deserve respect or recognition.

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    phirahappywiggle
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    Honestly, I'm with you on that.  The only people that were allowed guest on my guest list are people that are married.  Any others, I specifically said, Please only RSVP for guest listed on invitation.  Most people understand that weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone especially if you don't know their SO.  My single guest were fine with not bringing their SO they understood.
    So you consider yourself single right now? That's interesting.

    I've been with my SO for 5 1/2 years. I'm not fucking single. And I'd be furious if you didn't invite us as a couple. I assure you, your guests at the very least are annoyed with your rude behavior. It's insulting for you to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship. Your basically saying - you aren't married, you aren't a couple.

    Also, as PPs have pointed out, do you realize how absurd it is that you and your FI don't even meet your requirement for inviting SOs?!

    Are you an idiot?




    HisGirlFriday13PrettyGirlLostKeptInStitchesluckysnorkel
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