What are your etiquette deal breakers?

RuthOB1985

Phew!  Glad I'm not the only one who is shocked by some of these "pet hates".  I thought this chat was going to be about etiquette in terms of the silly rules like whether ladies at the wedding can take their hats off before the mother of the bride, and who the wedding invites should be written from - not a chance to slate couples that can't afford to pay for a full day of eating and drinking!  Crazy.

PrettyGirlLost

pinkshorts27 said:

So welcome new people who seem offended. Let me start by saying that unless a wedding runs out of food at mealtime or charges for water I am not sitting there judging the couple. I am enjoying the wedding, but there are things that proper hosts and hostesses should do. To insure I didn't improperly host my guests and I stayed within in budget, I did the following:

-I sat down with FI and discussed what type of wedding we wanted. We discussed trade-offs: extremely formal and tiny wedding, less formal and everyone invited, etc.  We decided that it was important to us to invite all of our friends and family.

-The next step was to make a guest list, or multiple lists. We listed "must-haves" and "VIPS", who we had to make sure the date worked for. My brother, his brother, my best friend, our parents, etc.  We then listed "high-priority", we had to make sure our budget fit these people. We then listed "let's try to make room for these folks". We talked to our parents and added in their lists. At this point our total numbers were at 200. This didn't include guests for truly single people or people we had forgotten. We left room for more people. Now, four months later, we are looking at a list of 250 and still growing.  We have gotten back in touch with estranged family. FI is getting closer to people in his school program. I am going to be changing jobs and locations. There may be a possibility of new friends. We have room to grown to 300. 

Now this is a lot of people and we have almost now money for ourselves. We are paying for two households and both still in school. FI is taking out loans to pay for school and has two years left. We debated going back to the 50 person wedding, but decided that this was more important to us.  This is an adult decision we had to make, as adults. It was a trade-off. It was tough for us.

-So we set a budget. Our budget was low. Basically as low as possible. But we knew we wanted to host a meal since most of our guests were from out of town. I knew I would be buying a very cheap dress, doing my own hair and make-up. FI already had a suit. These were sacrifices we were willing to make.

-Find a venue within our budget. We knew this would be tough. we finally settled on a few community centers that were 1000 dollars and we could cater ourselves. We talked about bringing kegs and wine. We talked about finding a cheap caterer. We found a few places that would cater buffets beautifully for less than 20 dollars a person. 

This was going to be our wedding: 20*300(max, most likely less, but plan for 100%) for food = 6000. We were going to serve soda and beer, nixing the wine. We would play music from an ipod and make our own decorations. We didn't need chair covers or anything fancy.

Was is the formal wedding of our dreams? No. Was it still our special day? Yes, because at the end of the day we would still be married, we hosted our guests properly, we didn't expect anything of anyone, and we got to celebrate with the people we love. This is part of being an adult.  We needed to make tough tradeoffs.

Now it happened that we got lucky and my parents decided to gift us some money. We never dreamed of asking for it, but since my college fund went untouched (scholarships) and they decided to use my college fund for our wedding. Are we still making tradeoffs? Yes. We are not planning on hosting an open bar, just beer and wine. We didn't get to choose the location, which is fine because I loved what my parents chose.  

But we won't make our guests wait around and do nothing. We made sure to have chairs for everyone. We wouldn't dream of having them open their wallets (cash bar, tip jars, etc). 

So when you make your guests do that you are telling them that your fancy dress, your limo, your photographer, and whatever else you spent money on is more important than treating them with respect. I know it is a tough concept and that proper hosting isn't really taught anymore, but just something to think about. 

A FREAKING MEN, Lady! Can't love this enough.

A voice of reason, logic,  class, and sanity in what has turned into a freaking blizzard.

Look, not being an entitled brat really isn't all that hard!

darriellew

Alright, so I seem to have broken two deals, but I'm looking for feedback to understand if my situation is unique. My wedding is coming up this August.

1. Most of my guests (90%) are traveling from out of town, so I am having a wedding weekend. My fiance and i met in college and neither of us have family from that area. Saturday afternoon guests will arrive, then that evening we will have a meet and greet dinner for everyone. The following day will be the ceremony and reception. i have paid to feed guests multiple times over the wedding weekend, i have arranged for their airport transportation, and have special transportation arranged to take everyone from the hotel to the wedding weekend sites. So needless to say I have paid for a lot and my budget is high. Saturday I have a cash bar and the wedding is open bar. I told gusts about the cash bar in the wedding packet. Is this wrong to have a cash bar for my meet & greet event the day before the wedding?

2. I wanted the meet & greet to feel very different from the wedding reception the next day. So i made it more themed. It's being called my "Something Blue Meet & Greet Party" where everyone has been asked to wear "something" blue. Each and everyone one of my guests will represent MY something blue...so they all play a role in the tradition. They dont have to wear all blue, they could wear blue underwear for all i care, just SOMETHING blue. There are no attire requirements for the wedding the next day, just this fun event the day before. Is it wrong that i have asked them to participate by wearing something blue? 

nmespinosa12

I understand the concept of a wedding reception completely ckel24, the issue is that some people simply can't afford to do everything that people on here are saying are total requirements. I've had an extremely long engagement, we've saved up as much as we possible can, and we've definitely cut back on "the vision" of our big day, but it's still extremely expensive. 

My point is, I think plenty of people DO host their guests to the best of their ability. Their ability just isn't what you deem as appropriate. Weddings are very expensive and many couples don't have any financial help so they can only do what they can do. Not a reason to walk out or be outright rude about things. 

ChaitR14

Wow @Shrekspear, never heard a ruder poster. I said that genuinely that I would love to include ALL my friends but venues have limitations. Congratulations to you too. I hope you become less bitter over time. 

Shia

My #1 plan was to keep my wedding as simple as possible and to stay under our $5k budget. It has not been easy, but I am doing all of my own research. 

We have no intentions to spend a lot of money on are wedding but with the small budget we have, will make it look like we did. 

cupcait927

@nmespinosa12 We ALL get that weddings are expensive. That's not the issue. The issue is being an adult and making sacrifices. Your guests should not have to pay for ANYTHING at your wedding. Nothing. So with that being said, there are so many options to have a beautiful wedding that is not any way funded by your guests. You have a limited bar, you have a dry wedding, you have a morning wedding with a brunch reception. You do a non-meal time wedding with apps and a signature cocktail. Not every wedding has to be an evening ceremony with a full open bar. It doesn't have to look like it came out a bridal magazine.

FWIW, FI and I just bought a house and are still managing to have our wedding in September where our guests pay for nothing. Our budget is no more than $10,000. We both have student loan debts, car payments, you name it, we pay for it. So I really have no sympathy for anyone who says that they simply can't afford to treat their guests well. Either move your wedding out further to allow more time to save or make some sacrifices. It's not that hard.

nmespinosa12

shrekspeare said:

Not very many people would be outright rude about it irl, especially to the couple. Those who judge other's weddings, usually realize that being rude is a two-way street. I for one, would never go up to a couple after the wedding and complain about a cash bar.

If you can't afford to host everyone you want properly, then you need to either continue waiting and saving, or cut your guest list down. There are a lot of people on this board who have had beautiful, budget weddings. And unfortunately there are people who come in and stomp their feet and insist that their friends and family won't care (TELEPATHY). Obviously, that's just not true.

Well, I'm happy to say that we are doing our absolute best to create a reception that our guests will enjoy, and we might be cutting back on some of the things that you and others are saying are needed in order to not be rude. And I'm totally confident that everyone we are inviting cares for us enough to realize that more time and spending even more money on one single day isn't needed in order for them to not judge us about our decisions, or for them to realize that we appreciate them. 

pinkshorts27

shrekspeare said:

Not very many people would be outright rude about it irl, especially to the couple. Those who judge other's weddings, usually realize that being rude is a two-way street. I for one, would never go up to a couple after the wedding and complain about a cash bar.

If you can't afford to host everyone you want properly, then you need to either continue waiting and saving, or cut your guest list down. There are a lot of people on this board who have had beautiful, budget weddings. And unfortunately there are people who come in and stomp their feet and insist that their friends and family won't care (TELEPATHY). Obviously, that's just not true.

 Well, I'm happy to say that we are doing our absolute best to create a reception that our guests will enjoy, and we might be cutting back on some of the things that you and others are saying are needed in order to not be rude. And I'm totally confident that everyone we are inviting cares for us enough to realize that more time and spending even more money on one single day isn't needed in order for them to not judge us about our decisions, or for them to realize that we appreciate them. 

Did you read my post above at all? No one is saying you need anything except enough chairs. If you can't afford something, don't have it. That simple. You don't have to have a DJ, a fancy cake, dancing, alcohol, a meal (as long as you aren't at meal time), etc. ETA: formatting.

lyndausvi

RuthOB1985 said: Phew!  Glad I'm not the only one who is shocked by some of these "pet hates".  I thought this chat was going to be about etiquette in terms of the silly rules like whether ladies at the wedding can take their hats off before the mother of the bride, and who the wedding invites should be written from - not a chance to slate couples that can't afford to pay for a full day of eating and drinking!  Crazy. A properly hosted reception can be a simple cake and punch reception NOT during a meal time.   Most people can afford that. 

Just because you choose to have a 5 course meals doesn't mean you get a pass for having a cash bar in order to do that.  

ETA - words are hard while knotting on the fly

pinkshorts27

lyndausvi said:

RuthOB1985 said:

Phew!  Glad I'm not the only one who is shocked by some of these "pet hates".  I thought this chat was going to be about etiquette in terms of the silly rules like whether ladies at the wedding can take their hats off before the mother of the bride, and who the wedding invites should be written from - not a chance to slate couples that can't afford to pay for a full day of eating and drinking!  Crazy.

A properly hosted reception can be a simple cake and punch reception during a meal time.   Most people can afford that. 

Just because you choose to have a 5 course meals doesn't mean you get a pass for having a cash bar in order to do that.  

*not during a meal time?

lisakemi

e-mail save the dates, to me it is the most impersonal and cheapest thing you can do!

For those of you that hate their SO's not getting invited, just wait until you plan and pay for your own wedding... You will see how fast, inviting everyone SO's can be. Another highly costly wedding expense is the liquor. While some may consider a cash bar tacky... Just remember most likely that your $50 gift probably will not even cover the cost of dinner!!!!

pinkshorts27

lisakemi said:

e-mail save the dates, to me it is the most impersonal and cheapest thing you can do!

For those of you that hate their SO's not getting invited, just wait until you plan and pay for your own wedding... You will see how fast, inviting everyone SO's can be. Another highly costly wedding expense is the liquor. While some may consider a cash bar tacky... Just remember most likely that your $50 gift probably will not even cover the cost of dinner!!!!

Who cares if my gift covers the dinner? Making money isn't the purpose of a wedding.

I also will never ever dream of inviting someone to celebrate my love without their love. That is rating people's relationships as more or less important and extremely rude. I am planning a wedding. And if you saw my post above, I was willing to make sacrifices to host everyone properly

alainjen2014

Sorry all, but what exactly is a PPD?  We will be getting married very soon and I think I'm breaking some etiquette issues per all of the above comments.  Wedding situation:  Traditional / Church / Reception / Open Bar / Plated Dinner / 275 +  Guests (including children of family members).  There will possibly an hour gap from the Church to the Reception.  It is a plated dinner so not enough food or having our guest pay for their dinner is NOT going to be an issue.  We are also having a midnight buffet table available.  So my questions are below:

I have SINGLE friends who aren't in a relationship so my invite is only for them, do I need to add and "guest"?

Money Dance - Well, that's a tradition in our culture so I think we will have to have that, people are certainly not obligated to do this.  

Bouquet and Garter toss - Isn't this a wedding tradition?  

We have an 18 year old daughter who wants to party with some of her friends after dinner.  Is it ok to invite them then?  We are not close to them to pay X amount for dinner and we are not expecting any gifts from them either.  Would this fall in the tiered category?  They are welcome to enjoy our after dinner spread as well as the party though.  

Thank you cards are already in the works (as I make our own invitations).  

No Honeyfund.

Not inviting "acquaintances" (other than the kids that my daughter wants to party with).  

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minniesalas

I don't see how a cash bar is a big deal breaker for a wedding.  Is it so insulting to be invited to a wedding that doesn't serve you alcohol?  I think the idea is to go celebrate people you love getting married, not drinking however much you want on their dime.  The wedding industry is so expensive, I've been to weddings with cash bars and I think it's fine. I wouldn't go into debt giving alcohol to people and I wouldn't skip having a wedding because of that.  Anybody who's planned a wedding before should be a little more understanding.  Dollar dances seem more 90s to me than a breach of etiquette.  I've been to a wedding that had cold cuts and an ipod, and we flew all the way to California for that. I thought it was fine because it was what the couple could afford, and they wanted us there which was the important part.  I would never walk out of a wedding because I didn't like the way they did something.  People do what they can. 

nmespinosa12

shrekspeare said:

It's really unfortunate that you've resigned yourself to being rude. There are many, many poster here that could help you plan a gracious wedding on a budget. There are quite a few people who have been saved from having rude receptions-myself included.

You always have the choice.

I'm sorry if you think my response was rude, I was simply explaining that it ISN'T the case that everyone's friends and family find these things offensive. As I mentioned earlier, we are doing everything we possibly can, and in a previous comment, we happen to have the means to be able to offer a partially-hosted bar. I assure you, I need no help in creating a wedding where my guests are appreciated. But I can also assure you that everyone that will be there is there to support us, and understands if we make mistakes or leave out certain things. 

My frustration here is that everyone's situation is different, and I don't think there's any reason to put other brides down for doing the best they can to appreciate guests. This is the kind of thing that ruins the joy that people have on their big day because many of these items simply are not needed in every situation.

cupcait927

lisakemi said:

e-mail save the dates, to me it is the most impersonal and cheapest thing you can do!

For those of you that hate their SO's not getting invited, just wait until you plan and pay for your own wedding... You will see how fast, inviting everyone SO's can be. Another highly costly wedding expense is the liquor. While some may consider a cash bar tacky... Just remember most likely that your $50 gift probably will not even cover the cost of dinner!!!!

You are wrong. So wrong. Planning my wedding on a budget - still inviting SOs because it's rude not to. Would you like to be invited to a wedding without your SO? Be honest. And the covering your plate rule is not real. No one HAS to ever to give a gift; they are not expected. You should be gracious of any gift that a couple can afford to give you.

AGAIN - your reception is a thank you to your guests. It is not for you to make money or have them pay for your reception.

JaimeAndDerek

You are incredibly rude. It would have been polite for you to sit through the game and try to enjoy it or understand where the couple was coming from, you could have even just walked out, but what would possess you to ruin the event for the couple?

jdluvr06

lisakemi said:

e-mail save the dates, to me it is the most impersonal and cheapest thing you can do!

For those of you that hate their SO's not getting invited, just wait until you plan and pay for your own wedding... You will see how fast, inviting everyone SO's can be. Another highly costly wedding expense is the liquor. While some may consider a cash bar tacky... Just remember most likely that your $50 gift probably will not even cover the cost of dinner!!!!

You do realize that most of the ladies on this board are either currently planning their wedding or have already planned a wedding don't you? So we already have an idea of how much it can add up to invite SOs but we do it anyway because it is the right thing to do.

cmb08

I am not trying to say that wedding guests should be treated poorly, or that it's okay for the bride and groom to act entitled. My point is that GUESTS should not act so entitled. A lot of couples choose not to invite many people to cut down on costs, and if you were invited to a wedding, it's important to keep in mind that the couple is probably spending a pretty penny so they can include you.

I do agree that it's rude for couples to shamelessly ask for money or behave ungratefully toward their guests. But if it's such a burden for you to attend that you feel the need to complain about, say, buying your own drinks, well, maybe you should skip the wedding and save your precious money.

maygem

Hi all, bear with me, but I find it so strange that not inviting a SO is so taboo for so many of you. I don't find it rude at all. I've been to several weddings solo - especially work colleagues. Besides, yes you are a couple but you are an individual as well, no? I think it would only bother me if it was a close friend of the family or family itself - but friends, etc? Nope. My real pet peeve is a cash bar - I understand budgetary constraints, but this is where I feel spending a bit more is important.

MuppetOverlord

Tiered weddings.
Not inviting my husband.
Lying about a PPD.
Paying for soft drinks at a reception
Being asked to supply anything for the reception.
Being asked to clean up at a reception.
Jack and Jills

Destination weddings... it's not against etiquette, but I probably wouldn't go unless you were one of 10 people.

JCbride2015

claire0820 said:

It's really depressing to see that weddings have gone from being a celebration of a couple's marriage, an opportunity to support them and congratulate them on their new life together... And turned into an opportunity for entitled, bitchy guests to complain about every last detail that doesn't meet their expectations.

Keep this in mind: this is the bride and groom's day to be treated like royalty and showered with love and support by all those who are close to them. It is NOT an opportunity for guests to be treated to dinner and entertained for five or more hours on the new (probably kind of broke) couple's dime.

If you don't approve of the way the couple is planning their celebration, you have two choices: suck it up and be nice because you love them, or stay out of it. By showing up and complaining or walking out or otherwise making a scene, you are helping ruin their special day, and your etiquette is worse than theirs.

Rant over, thanks.

HAHAHAHAHA Oh man.  Just picked myself up off the floor laughing with this one.

Entitled much, are we?

lyndausvi

pinkshorts27 said:

lyndausvi said:

RuthOB1985 said:

Phew!  Glad I'm not the only one who is shocked by some of these "pet hates".  I thought this chat was going to be about etiquette in terms of the silly rules like whether ladies at the wedding can take their hats off before the mother of the bride, and who the wedding invites should be written from - not a chance to slate couples that can't afford to pay for a full day of eating and drinking!  Crazy.

A properly hosted reception can be a simple cake and punch reception during a meal time.   Most people can afford that. 

Just because you choose to have a 5 course meals doesn't mean you get a pass for having a cash bar in order to do that.  

*not during a meal time?

oops. 

NOT during meal time.

That is what you get when Knotting on the fly.

JCbride2015

Hi all, bear with me, but I find it so strange that not inviting a SO is so taboo for so many of you. I don't find it rude at all. I've been to several weddings solo - especially work colleagues. Besides, yes you are a couple but you are an individual as well, no? I think it would only bother me if it was a close friend of the family or family itself - but friends, etc? Nope. My real pet peeve is a cash bar - I understand budgetary constraints, but this is where I feel spending a bit more is important.

You (general you) and your SO are a social unit. It's insulting to the relationship for one of you to be invited without the other. I would DEFINITELY feel like the hosts were judging my relationship if they invited only one of us. This happened 3 years into our relationship while Fi was in college, and I still feel hurt about it. Fi and I both have some negative feelings toward the cousin who didn't invite me.

pinkshorts27

minniesalas said:

I don't see how a cash bar is a big deal breaker for a wedding.  Is it so insulting to be invited to a wedding that doesn't serve you alcohol?  I think the idea is to go celebrate people you love getting married, not drinking however much you want on their dime.  The wedding industry is so expensive, I've been to weddings with cash bars and I think it's fine. I wouldn't go into debt giving alcohol to people and I wouldn't skip having a wedding because of that.  Anybody who's planned a wedding before should be a little more understanding.  Dollar dances seem more 90s to me than a breach of etiquette.  I've been to a wedding that had cold cuts and an ipod, and we flew all the way to California for that. I thought it was fine because it was what the couple could afford, and they wanted us there which was the important part.  I would never walk out of a wedding because I didn't like the way they did something.  People do what they can. 

minniesalas

I would prefer a dry wedding to a cash bar and below I c/p a story from another board that I just posted.  The cold cuts and an ipod are fine. We aren't saying it has to be elegant, just some sort of food. Heck, pizza works for me. I would never walk out at a wedding, except in the jeopardy example someone gave.

Here is why I think a dry wedding is better. Cash bar ranks your friends and family into who and who cannot afford to pay for drinks:

"I am bothered by cash bars. Here is my reason why. My fi and I were invited via facebook to his close friend's wedding. We happened to be in the area that weekend and he asked if we should go. We looked at our bank account and we debated. We had less than 200 dollars left, taking out what we would need to get us back to school. We debated. But I knew it was important to FI. I gave up soda for the next month. We didn't eat out once and we trimmed wear we could. We were already not paying for phones and such.  We watched every dollar we spent that month. We had to drive to get there, so we filled up on gas and checked the bank account again. We had 70 dollars. We went and bought the toaster oven that they wanted, luckily it was on sale, and used some old wrapping paper that my parents gave us. 

We drove to the wedding with 20 dollars in our bank account. Granted we had more in our savings, but we don't touch that money.  We got there early and realized we should have brought the gift, when the MOB scolded us. We were young and didn't know better. We were just proud of being able to afford a gift and we handmade the card.  It was hot and outdoor wedding with an indoor reception. While waiting for the wedding to start we went to get a soda and they tried to charge us and at that moment we knew we would watch many of our HS friends drink that night and we would not be able to have a drink, except water. I could see the disappointment on FIs face, who never thought twice about cash bars until we were the odd guests that couldn't justify spending our last 20 dollars on maybe 3 drinks. 

Luckily the bride's aunt showed up just in time to see us tell the bar tender that we were changing the order to water. She asked what was up and we played nice saying "Oh, just decided it was too hot for soda. We need to say hydrated to dance later!" all peppy like. We certainly weren't going to downgrade the bride (we didn't really know the groom) to her own family. The aunt then tried to order a wine and when the bartender tried to charge her, she flipped in the most polite way ever. She then demanded that the entire bar tab be put on her and her hubby's card as a gift to the bride. We watched her negotiate the pp price of the open bar with the DOC and pay for it. 

-I would never want to make my guests feel like that. And I would be mortified if my aunt had to pay for my improper hosting. We never got a thank you card, but I sincerely hope the aunt did. I know FI thanked her later (they knew each other quite well). "

laurajasmine

I can't believe all these stories of couples asking guests to dress in very specific attire/colors! Unbelievably inconsiderate.

Etiquette no-nos that really get on my nerves:

1) Assuming you get to bring a guest with you - many posters here seem to be annoyed when they aren't allowed to bring a significant other, and I agree if you are married/in a long-term committed relationship with your SO they should be invited...but don't expect me to invite your boyfriend-of-the-month who I've never met to my wedding where I'm paying $75+ a head. Sorry.

2) Cash bars - The only time I've been to a wedding when I thought this was acceptable was when the groom's father was a Southern Baptist minister and felt strongly against drinking alcohol; were it up to him he wouldn't serve it at all, but he compromised and allowed it to be served, but he didn't feel comfortable paying for it. Okay, in my opinion. But otherwise, if you're going to serve alcohol, you need to pay for it. You wouldn't invite someone over to your house and charge them for a Bud Light, would you?

3. Not writing a thank you note. Seriously?

4. Couple blatantly asks for cash as a gift. No, no, no. I'm okayyyy with honeyfunds...wouldn't make one myself, but seems fairly comparable to a traditional registry.

alainjen2014

This is an ethnic tradition...  Different ethnicities have different meanings/symbolism.  This is definitely optional.  I guess this is a play by ear situation, if majority of your guests are like you, who probably have not heard of this, you probably shouldn't have one as it may come off as tacky.  But if your guests are from the below ethnicities, it is almost expected for you to have one.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_dance

PrettyGirlLost

laurajasmine said:

I can't believe all these stories of couples asking guests to dress in very specific attire/colors! Unbelievably inconsiderate.

Etiquette no-nos that really get on my nerves:

1) Assuming you get to bring a guest with you - many posters here seem to be annoyed when they aren't allowed to bring a significant other, and I agree if you are married/in a long-term committed relationship with your SO they should be invited...but don't expect me to invite your boyfriend-of-the-month who I've never met to my wedding where I'm paying $75+ a head. Sorry.

2) Cash bars - The only time I've been to a wedding when I thought this was acceptable was when the groom's father was a Southern Baptist minister and felt strongly against drinking alcohol; were it up to him he wouldn't serve it at all, but he compromised and allowed it to be served, but he didn't feel comfortable paying for it. Okay, in my opinion. But otherwise, if you're going to serve alcohol, you need to pay for it. You wouldn't invite someone over to your house and charge them for a Bud Light, would you?

3. Not writing a thank you note. Seriously?

4. Couple blatantly asks for cash as a gift. No, no, no. I'm okayyyy with honeyfunds...wouldn't make one myself, but seems fairly comparable to a traditional registry.

You don't get to dictate how serious a relationship is and what the hell does it matter if you have met this person or not? 

I'm inviting FI's cousins' SO's and I have no idea how long they have been dating, nor have I ever met some of them.  They are being invited because they are his cousin's SO's.  Doesn't matter if we have met them.

alainjen2014

Oh and 4 days to go?!?  Congratulations!!!  Aren't you glad it's almost there?