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What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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    larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Also, I'm really not stretching the truth. I have been to 2 catholic weddings and both lasted two hours. Started at 3 with the cocktail hour at 5. The other one started at noon with a reception at 2.

    I KNOW that a catholic wedding service doesn't normally last that long. I promise you guys I keep that in mind. I don't know a lot of Catholics, but if I see that 2 hour stretch of time, I will either assume there is a hell of a ceremony, or a gap. Either way, no thank you. I did my time in church. 

    I didn't mean to start anything! I feel like a butt. I suppose they were just stretching it out, I see that now. I blame that on the individuals, not all Catholics.
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    Full Catholic masses are only 45mins to an hour. Sure a wedding or big holiday mass could run a bit longer, but by that I mean like hour and 5 or 10mins. @hisgirlfriday13 have you ever been to a 2hr Catholic mass? I just haven't. I went to a Byzantine Catholic funeral that was so awful and depressing that it felt like it was 2 hours long. The incense they were burning about killed me!
    Funny you should ask!! Easter Vigil Mass this year ran two hours and 45 minutes. Other than holy days, though, like Vigil Mass or like Christmas Eve and Easter morning, the masses I've attended have always clocked in right around an hour.

    I did attend a Catholic wedding once that was 1.5 hours, but that was because both the bride and groom were Catholic and came from large Catholic families (he was one of 17, she was one of 12), and they invited 400 people, 95% Catholic, to their wedding.

    Do you know how long Communion takes when there are almost 400 people receiving Communion? For.Freaking.Ever.
    Did they have multiple people giving out communion and the wine?

    FI's parent's church is huge and sometimes they only have the priest and one other person handling communion/wine. . . and that takes forever.
    Nope. Just the priest. If you think it takes a long time with a priest and a Eucharistic minister, imagine it with just a priest!!

    We had <30 Catholics at our wedding, and I was worried about the priest needing a Eucharistic minister to help with Communion. He said he didn't, and it went pretty fast, but I was definitely worried about it.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Dealbreakers:

    - Not inviting my FI
    - Having to pay for my own meal

    Breaches of etiquette that I find annoying:

    - B listing. But whatever. I might still go.
    - LONG gaps. I've been to weddings with 3 hour gaps out in the middle of no where. There is nothing to do! I get hangry.
    - Cash bars
    - Bouquet/garter toss. Okay, this isn't technically a breach of etiquette. But don't even let me get on my feminist soapbox about this one. I always leave the room for these.
    - Not serving a meal if your reception occurs doing meal time. I will get hangry and leave to go eat. Sorry I'm not sorry.
    - Not receiving a thank you note. Seriously, WTF? 

    Breaches of etiquette that others find annoying that I really don't care about it. (I'm not saying they aren't against etiquette, I'm just saying that I am personally not offended/bothered by them.)

    - Short gaps. If you've got a gap under an hour, I really don't mind. Honestly, I hate being rushed from the ceremony to the reception anyway (unless they are in the same space, of course.) I sometimes like to linger at the ceremony space and catch up with others without feeling like I'm missing cocktail hour. I also like to have a few minutes to hit up a ladies room and touch up my makeup! Plus, if I'm not familiar with the reception venue, I like to feel relaxed knowing I have time to get there, find the right place, and park. Anything over an hour for all of this is excessive, though. I know it's a breach of etiquette so I'm not trying to debate anyone on that. I just don't mind the short gap.
    - Long ceremonies. This is obviously not a breach in etiquette, but others have mentioned it. I love long ceremonies. For me, I'm always so excited to see people get married. I especially like to go to ceremonies from faith traditions other than my own. It's so cool to see what others do in their own marriage ceremonies. I know a lot of people really dislike long ceremonies, but I hate when it's all over so fast! I came to watch loved ones get married and I want to relish every moment of it!

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    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:

    a13049 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Cash bars
    Having to pay for parking
    B-listing
    PPDs
    Gaps
    Potluck receptions
    Tiered receptions
    Money dances
    Out-of-control children
    Cake smashing

    Being invited without my BF
    Not enough food/drinks
    Being treated like an unpaid slave
    Being treated like a captive audience
    Being totally ignored by couple/hosts
    No thank you
    Religious bigotry
    The bolded are not really etiquette issues.

    And you are that offended by cake smashing?  Really?
    --------------------------------- box not working Agree, these aren't ettiquette issues, I also don't get the issue with bouquet/garter toss. What would constitute religious bigotry? The other one mentioned by a pp is the "2 hour catholic mass". A full mass isn't an etiquette issue. Yes, thy can be long but I can still be reapectful of the bride and grooms religious belief
    I have never been to or heard of any Catholic mass that was 2 hours long. Not a wedding and not even Christmas or Easter masses in packed churches. Is that an Orthodox thing?
    Idk, it was mentioned in a previous comment. I am assuming it's an over stated amount of time, and is just referring to having a full mass for a wedding instead of the shorter version. Someone making the choice to have a full mass is not an etiquette issue.
    Full Catholic masses are only 45mins to an hour. Sure a wedding or big holiday mass could run a bit longer, but by that I mean like hour and 5 or 10mins. @hisgirlfriday13 have you ever been to a 2hr Catholic mass? I just haven't. I went to a Byzantine Catholic funeral that was so awful and depressing that it felt like it was 2 hours long. The incense they were burning about killed me!
    I grew up Catholic and have only been to one 2 hours mass.  Outside of that one, they to run between 45-80 minutes long.   Holidays often are on the longer side, Sunday 7:30am the shorter side.

     I use to go to the  7:30am Sunday mass in HS because it only lasted about 40 minutes.  It was awesome.

    For reference, I have attended masses around the country and the world for that matter.     The one 2 hours mass was Christmas Eve in Saipan.     We showed up 30 minutes before mass and had to sit outside.  Hundreds of people were also outside sitting on their cars.  It was a carnival atmosphere. People drinking in the parking lot.  Big speakers outside so we can listen.  Very different than the old school conservative Philadelphia dioceses masses I was use to. 

    I'm sorry I didn't tag you, hun ><

    I apologize to anyone I missed!
    Don't be silly.  I grew up Catholic (up to being confirmed) and have been a non-praciting-anything for a long time.  My entire family and DH's family are still practicing.  I'm still in the know so-to-speak, but not an expert by any means.  

    Was simply commenting on my personal experience of having attended Catholic masses around the world and the country.
    Yeah, and that is awesome!  You seemed to have been able to travel to some really cool places.
    The funniest was when we were on a around the world trip.  One of the stops was China.   We went to "mass".  Now I don't speak another language, but I have been able to pretty much follow what is going on through out the mass in every country I have been attended mass in. Obviously I didn't get the readings or homily.  But I knew where we were in the service, the whole up, down, up, down, kneel, up, etc.  I said the prayers in English, knew when it was the sign of peace.  Time for communion, you know all that good stuff.   I could NOT follow this mass. After an hour we left very confused.  Never did get communion.

    Found out months later there the Catholic Church in China is really  Chinese Catholic  Patriotic Association which is state-approved and at the time was not associated .  Looking back it's hardly a surprise since China is a communists country.  There are underground Roman Catholic churches.    We had a private guide who look as around, so it's not surprising they took us to a state-approved church.       My family still laughs at that.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    larrygaga said:
    Also, I'm really not stretching the truth. I have been to 2 catholic weddings and both lasted two hours. Started at 3 with the cocktail hour at 5. The other one started at noon with a reception at 2.

    I KNOW that a catholic wedding service doesn't normally last that long. I promise you guys I keep that in mind. I don't know a lot of Catholics, but if I see that 2 hour stretch of time, I will either assume there is a hell of a ceremony, or a gap. Either way, no thank you. I did my time in church. 

    I didn't mean to start anything! I feel like a butt. I suppose they were just stretching it out, I see that now. I blame that on the individuals, not all Catholics.
    Holy crap, what were ppl doing that took so lone, lol?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    edited April 2014
    a13049 said:
    My family is Catholic, so I've been to a billion Catholic weddings. I've never been to one that lasted more than an hour and a half. Most are about an hour and fifteen if everyone's on their game.
    Hq Yeah an hour and fifteen to an hour and thirty sounds moret normal. I was referring to a pp comment and I am assuming they were over exaggerating on the 2 hours. My point was that the longer bride and groom choosing the traditional catholic mass over the shortened version is not poor etiquette
    Probably. I know that my family always make jokes about it being "two hours long" and to "bring a snack", but it's just playful exaggeration. I'm thinking the PP meant the same thing.

    When H and I got engaged, about 90% of our friends said something like, "Oh my gosh! Congratulations! ...........  Are you guys having a Catholic wedding?"

    You could almost hear them sigh in relief when we said no. ;)
    Same here!!

    To answer the original question of the discussion, I can't pinpoint what would really be a deal breaker for me.  I've been to one wedding with a cash bar for alcohol, and as a Catholic I've gone through plenty of gaps. I don't like them, but it's not a deal breaker.  I've never even seen many of the other things mentioned on these boards--- they're like urban legends! LOL.  I've seen "adult reception to follow" on an invitation, which didn't bother me. I've never been to a PPD that I know of, nor been invited without a guest.  We were invited to a tiered reception without knowing it, but still had fun.  As someone else mentioned, if for any reason I'm not feeling it, I politely leave whenever I'm ready- not as a "walk out in a huff" because I didn't like something kind of way. 
    ETA: I've been B-listed too, but hey, free drinks and food and dancing. 
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    Cash bar makes me leave earlier, but I'll still buy a few drinks if I have the cash. 


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    For all of you who said this: Why would something like a dollar dance cause people to walk out of a wedding?  Not judging at all, just genuinely curious.  Why can't you just sit it out until it's over and not participate if you don't agree with it?  If there is still 2 hours of dancing and cake serving left in the wedding, and everything else etiquette-wise is going ok, are you really going to miss all of that just for one thing?  I've never witnessed the dollar dance in person so maybe I am just missing something.
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    For all of you who said this: Why would something like a dollar dance cause people to walk out of a wedding?  Not judging at all, just genuinely curious.  Why can't you just sit it out until it's over and not participate if you don't agree with it?  If there is still 2 hours of dancing and cake serving left in the wedding, and everything else etiquette-wise is going ok, are you really going to miss all of that just for one thing?  I've never witnessed the dollar dance in person so maybe I am just missing something.
    In my case, every time there's a dollar dance, it takes forever. We're talking 30-45 minutes, sometimes more. It's a huge damper in the middle of the evening. Everyone lines up, sometimes twice, sometimes three times, hence the length. Most people are drunk or nearly drunk at that point, so they goof around - men dancing with the groom, group dancing with the B&G, cutting in line in front of other people to get a second chance at their buddy the groom, etc. Those of us who don't participate are left sitting there, listening to slow song after slow song, waiting for the party to start back up again. It's boooooring.

    If it isn't over after 15-20 minutes, we bail.
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    For all of you who said this: Why would something like a dollar dance cause people to walk out of a wedding?  Not judging at all, just genuinely curious.  Why can't you just sit it out until it's over and not participate if you don't agree with it?  If there is still 2 hours of dancing and cake serving left in the wedding, and everything else etiquette-wise is going ok, are you really going to miss all of that just for one thing?  I've never witnessed the dollar dance in person so maybe I am just missing something.
    In my case, every time there's a dollar dance, it takes forever. We're talking 30-45 minutes, sometimes more. It's a huge damper in the middle of the evening. Everyone lines up, sometimes twice, sometimes three times, hence the length. Most people are drunk or nearly drunk at that point, so they goof around - men dancing with the groom, group dancing with the B&G, cutting in line in front of other people to get a second chance at their buddy the groom, etc. Those of us who don't participate are left sitting there, listening to slow song after slow song, waiting for the party to start back up again. It's boooooring.

    If it isn't over after 15-20 minutes, we bail.
    Oh God ><  Yeah. I'd leave if that shit wasn't done in 10mins.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Ohhh.  Like I said, I have never seen it so I was literally thinking it was only 1 song long.  I didn't know it went on for such a long time.  That makes more sense then. Thanks!
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    30-45 , minutes for a dollar dance. Holy cow that's a long time. Around her 2-3 songs and then it's over. Yes, there is still the silly guys dancing with the groom and such, but the only dance for a short amount of time with each person. The kids seems to love it the most, so that's mostly who I see getting in line more than once. I I think even 15-20 ,I mutes would be a long time for the dollar dance.
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    Since lurking TK, pretty much every etiquette faux pas bugs me, but only some are deal breakers.  My aunt who is paying for and planning my cousin's wedding this summer is a complete idiot and I'm just waiting for the shitshow.  I mean, I don't want to go as it is, this wedding is a 10 hour drive (middle of nowhere where they don't have airports).  But I certainly don't want to go for a cash bar.  Their wedding website says wine, beer, and soda is available at the cash bar, hard alcohol will not be available at all, and water and punch will be 'on the house.'  Also, my mother (a woman in her 60s) has been asked to be the bride's personal assistant.  Both the bride and my mother believe this is an honor, so I'm hesitant to say anything.  But I know my mom will be heartbroken if she doesn't get to watch the bride walk down the aisle because she was standing behind her fixing her train.  Sigh.  I don't want to go!
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    What are B lists?
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    wiggsaj said:
    What are B lists?
    When the hosts send out a round of invites, waits for some declines then send out new invites to people who didn't make round 1.

    Basically the round 2 people are only wanted if some of the round 1 people could not make it.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I wouldn't leave because of a dollar dance, but if it drags on OR if guests are forced into participating, I'm walking out. If you do it for one song and I can avoid it, I'll roll my eyes and tolerate it.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    I didn't read all the posts, so sorry if this has been talked about a lot already, but I think one of my biggest deal breakers is people who ask for others to fund their weddings/honeymoons.

    I've seen several gofundme accounts for people's weddings and honeymoons, and it makes me furious.  Your wedding/honeymoon is not a charitable organization.  So. freaking. gross.



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    I found my dealbreakers.

    FI and I left a wedding early this weekend because they ran out of food, and it was a cash bar. If you're making the guests foot part of the bill, at least have enough food for everyone!
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    I don't care too much about cash bars, honeyfunds, or dollar dances. I care a little more if you obviously spent a ton of money on your dress, decorations, venue, or having an unnecessarily gigantic guest list, showing that you care more about your image than the comfort of your guests.

    I do care about huge gaps- I was at a wedding where I was left to my own devices for hours because FI was in the WP and they were gallavanting to multiple photo locations and bars, while not hosting that time. I think the worst thing would be not inviting SOs. Thankfully that's one we haven't experienced. I would rather eat my foot. Same goes for not serving food at a meal time and not communicating that clearly.
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    I think people are being ridiculous in saying a Cash Bar is bad wedding etiquette. I mean geez, some people can't afford to pay for everyone's alcohol! I would never be offended by a cash bar at a wedding.   
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    This discussion is very helpful to me, as I am planning our wedding in September, I do not want to offend anyone, or leave a bad taste in any of our guests' mouths at the wedding. 

    I see a lot of cash bars on people's deal-breakers or violations lists. What should you do if you cannot afford a cash bar? Our families are huge, and we are not receiving any financial help from our parents - an open bar is on our wish list as we really do want to give the gift of unlimited drinks to our guests, but an open bar is extremely expensive.. 

    Would you cut family and friends to make a smaller guest list in order to save money for an open bar? Is it that big of a deal? 
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    rachidollrachidoll member
    First Comment
    edited April 2014
    I am really surprised to see so many people listing Gaps as a deal breakers. We are having a church ceremony, a 2 hour gap, and then the cocktail reception. Is this that terrible of etiquette? Y'all have me questioning my wedding day! :-/
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    Now that I am planning my own do I am not as critical as I used to be. However there are 2 things that I just can't abide by! 1) my partner and I we're invite to a wedding where we had to bring our own food and drink. I don't mind paying for my own drinks (I don't like to drink the cheap stuff) but to ask guests who have travelled to bring there own food is not right. 2) my partner was invited to a wedding without me (strike 1) but him and several guests were asked to attend the ceremony, then skip reception/ wedding breakfast but come back a few hours for the evening party (strike 2). Rude just effing rude!
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    This discussion is very helpful to me, as I am planning our wedding in September, I do not want to offend anyone, or leave a bad taste in any of our guests' mouths at the wedding. 

    I see a lot of cash bars on people's deal-breakers or violations lists. What should you do if you cannot afford a cash bar? Our families are huge, and we are not receiving any financial help from our parents - an open bar is on our wish list as we really do want to give the gift of unlimited drinks to our guests, but an open bar is extremely expensive.. 

    Would you cut family and friends to make a smaller guest list in order to save money for an open bar? Is it that big of a deal? 
    Your choices are not limited to cash bar or open bar. You have several options if an open bar is too expensive. 1. You can choose to serve no alcohol, and only host non-alcoholic drinks. A dry wedding can be very fun! 2. You can host only select beverages, such as a couple of types of wine and beer. Most people will drink one of these two things if offered, and it will be much less expensive than a full open bar. 3. Along with the wine and beer option, you can choose to have one or two signature cocktails hosted. If you choose to serve vodka and cranberry with a mid-grade vodka, that would not be as expensive as if you allowed your guests to order unlimited bottles of 21-year Scotch. 4. You can choose to have a morning or afternoon wedding. Food and drinks are often cheaper because people will eat less/ drink less.

    It is rude to expect your guests to fund anything at your wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to cut the guest list so everyone can drink.


    I am really surprised to see so many people listing Gaps as a deal breakers. We are having a church ceremony, a 2 hour gap, and then the cocktail reception. Is this that terrible of etiquette? Y'all have been questioning my wedding day! :-/
    Gaps are common in some places but that doesn't make them okay. Especially for those of your guests who are just slightly out of town, it can be very inconvenient--- they are driving an hour or two into town for the ceremony, then you expect them to fiddle around for a while, then they will have cocktails and go home? It's not fair to those guests to have so much of their day taken up by waiting around without being hosted at all. This is especially true if you're having a cocktail reception with appetizers only--not only have they come all that way for you, but you're not even feeding them. I, for one, would be very grumpy about that. Please, get rid of the gap.
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