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What are your etiquette deal breakers?

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Re: What are your etiquette deal breakers?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kasmith1 said:
    I think that's one of the things I'm most looking forward to, writing thank you notes. Because it will mean that I'm married!! 
    You're the first person I've ever heard say this, but I think it means that you deserve to be married.  All the best!
    Kauris
  • We were taught that you send thank you notes for wedding, shower, and graduation gifts. For birthday or Christmas you call and personally thank someone. If I sent my great grandmother a thank you card for a birthday present she would yell at me for not taking the time to call and thank her personally.
    chibiyui
  • As kids, we weren't allowed to use a gift until we sent the thank you note. It's a great rule.
    Love this! My parents (mother specifically) was pretty similar but I did have a grace week. They needed to be sent out by the next week or the gift disappeared pretty quickly!
  • I'm going through the process of teaching my 3 year old how to appreciate the gifts he receives, and compliments as well.

    For his birthday, Christmas, Easter, and every other holiday that he receives gifts at, if the person who gave the gift is there when he opens it, he personally goes up and thanks everyone for the gift. If the person isn't there, I call them and have him thank them.

    He LIKES thanking people for his gifts. He thinks it's fun and as he gets older he'll understand that thanking people for the gifts is polite and the right thing to do.
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
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    huskypuppy14Kauris
  • I'm curious about a lot of things in this thread! But I will just ask about one for now: In regards to many being offended by their FI/SO/etc not being invited; what context is this in? I have a lot of girlfriends that aren't close to my FI. I personally wouldn't be bothered at all if I was invited solo to a wedding of a friend who is my friend only, especially if I can make the assumption that other mutual friends will be there also. I can definitely understand how there would be different viewpoints on this, I was just curious about the context.
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2014
    I'm curious about a lot of things in this thread! But I will just ask about one for now: In regards to many being offended by their FI/SO/etc not being invited; what context is this in? I have a lot of girlfriends that aren't close to my FI. I personally wouldn't be bothered at all if I was invited solo to a wedding of a friend who is my friend only, especially if I can make the assumption that other mutual friends will be there also. I can definitely understand how there would be different viewpoints on this, I was just curious about the context.
    What context?  Every hosted social event.*  Drinks after work with the girls is different.  But any and all weddings-- yes, always.  Whether the SO knows the couple or not.  If you're close enough to one half of a couple to want him/her to celebrate your marriage, you're close enough to respect their relationship by inviting the SO.  It's a sign of respect.

    ETA: I guess certain events that are traditionally divided based on gender are exempted for obvious reasons, like female bridal showers.  But more and more, arbitrary gender divisions are seeming strange.  Hence the rise of couples showers and joint bach parties.  If both halves of any couple would be invited to such an event, I think the same courtesy should be extended to all.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    rajahmdPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm curious about a lot of things in this thread! But I will just ask about one for now:

    In regards to many being offended by their FI/SO/etc not being invited; what context is this in? I have a lot of girlfriends that aren't close to my FI. I personally wouldn't be bothered at all if I was invited solo to a wedding of a friend who is my friend only, especially if I can make the assumption that other mutual friends will be there also. I can definitely understand how there would be different viewpoints on this, I was just curious about the context.

    I would be offended if DH weren't invited to a mixed-gender social event unrelated to work.

    He's not invited to my work socials because they're for work, fine.

    He's not invited to bridal showers that are women-only, fine.

    But weddings, regular parties, regular social events? You'd better believe I'd decline if he's not invited.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    LDay2014pinkshorts27PrettyGirlLost
  • I cheat on my thank yous already. As we have a set guest list and I have my Gentleman Owl cards - I'm writing most of everything out.

    Dear Aunt Susan,

    Thank you for helping make our wedding special! It was wonderful to see you that day. (Or thereabouts, they aren't form letters.)

    (Blank chunk)


    Then, since I'm going off my spreadsheet, I just print their envelope, put stamp on and keep the card and envelope together. Then they're filed in alphabetical order.

    Then, as we open anything, I write in "Thank you for the towel warmer. It is lovely on chilly days and it's in heavy use already. Love, River & Matt or Matt & River."

    Toss in our new address magnet.

    Put it in the envelope and it's done. Not hard at all.

    Shower thank yous will be evil as I won't have all the info. So I'll be doing those after. Boo hiss.

    They are so easy to get done. I will never send a gift to a middle school aged kid and up if I don't see a thank you.
    FiancBashleyepPrettyGirlLost
  • I cheat on my thank yous already. As we have a set guest list and I have my Gentleman Owl cards - I'm writing most of everything out. Dear Aunt Susan, Thank you for helping make our wedding special! It was wonderful to see you that day. (Or thereabouts, they aren't form letters.) (Blank chunk) Then, since I'm going off my spreadsheet, I just print their envelope, put stamp on and keep the card and envelope together. Then they're filed in alphabetical order. Then, as we open anything, I write in "Thank you for the towel warmer. It is lovely on chilly days and it's in heavy use already. Love, River & Matt or Matt & River." Toss in our new address magnet. Put it in the envelope and it's done. Not hard at all. Shower thank yous will be evil as I won't have all the info. So I'll be doing those after. Boo hiss. They are so easy to get done. I will never send a gift to a middle school aged kid and up if I don't see a thank you.
    You are so organized it makes me a little jealous.  But I love this idea and might steal it!  Just get a file box and keep everything in there.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Have at it! We have a small guest list, and are likely to get 95-100% turnout. So I may waste a card for one guest who won't make it, but in turn, it means cards are ready to go. Knowing our families, nearly all gifts, if any, will be given at reception or soon after wedding, so I can pre write the thanks for being there. If anything is early, that's one card and done vs 20.

    But, even just having envelopes ready and Dear Aunt Susan on a card gets the brunt of the work done - addressing envelopes.

    Granted, my family taught me early to send thank you cards. And I'll fess up - I get slightly nicer presents than my cousin who takes forever to send thanks. But, yes, it can take a chunk of time. Break them into reasonable pieces.

    Card is handwritten. Envelope is not. I have post office approved addresses in a spreadsheet. Since DF has chicken scratch for writing, I'm doing all. So I'm printing addresses from my computer. Plus, that way is easier to scan through machines at the post office. I got in the habit of always typing my addresses, I see no reason to change.
    perdonamiPrettyGirlLost
  • Oh my goodness. I have only read two of the seven pages of comments on this post, but I am appalled. You all sound like entitled jerks. A cash bar is a deal breaker for you; really?? Alcohol is expensive-just don't drink if you are that offended. The garter toss? That is a tradition; what is it hurting you? Not promptly receiving a thank you note? Etiquette maintains that you have a year, after that if they haven't sent one then it is rude but not something to begrudge them of for all future gift giving occasions. I think a honeymoon fund is fine. Maybe they have all the blenders and sheet sets that they need. Wouldn't it be nice if they could go somewhere for a honeymoon? You are spending the same money as you would for a registry gift but it is going to  go toward their beach honeymoon or whatever. I understand that gaps are inconvenient at times, but the bride and groom planned it that way for a reason. It isn't killing you, and I really don't think it is that big of a deal. And, above all, it is not YOUR wedding. Apparently, judging from the comments I have read, you all have an endless budget and you are all masters of etiquette. I am sure that no part of your weddings will rub anyone the wrong way. I say, the bride and groom that had these offenses you mention dodged a bullet by pissing all of you off. It was a mistake to invite most of you in the first place. Jeez.. a wedding is normally 5-7 hours of your whole life, just chill out about it.
  • Oh my goodness. I have only read two of the seven pages of comments on this post, but I am appalled. You all sound like entitled jerks. A cash bar is a deal breaker for you; really?? Alcohol is expensive-just don't drink if you are that offended Or, since it's so expensive and you're unwilling to cover the cost at YOUR event, then don't offer it . The garter toss? That is a tradition; what is it hurting you? Not promptly receiving a thank you note? Etiquette maintains that you have a year wrong.  Guests have a year to give you a gift if they so choose, but realisitically anything beyond a few months people will side eye if you can't be bothered to say thank you for the gift they gave you, after that if they haven't sent one then it is rude but not something to begrudge them of for all future gift giving occasions. I think a honeymoon fund is fine. Maybe they have all the blenders and sheet sets that they need great, then don't register. Wouldn't it be nice if they could go somewhere for a honeymoon?  sure, but you're going on your own dime - not mine.  If I can't justify sending MYSELF on a frivolous vacation, you can bet your ass I'm not sending you on something unnecessary. You are spending the same money as you would for a registry gift but it is going to  go toward their beach honeymoon or whatever. I understand that gaps are inconvenient at times, but the bride and groom planned it that way for a reason because they're poor planners and prioritized their 'vision' over their guests comfort.  Why have guests if you don't give a rats ass about how you treat them. It isn't killing you, and I really don't think it is that big of a deal. And, above all, it is not YOUR wedding. Apparently, judging from the comments I have read, you all have an endless budget and you are all masters of etiquette etiquette yes, endless budgets no...just putting the money we do have to work with where it actually matters and that's not a pretty dress and fancy flowers. I am sure that no part of your weddings will rub anyone the wrong way. I say, the bride and groom that had these offenses you mention dodged a bullet by pissing all of you off. It was a mistake to invite most of you in the first place. Jeez.. a wedding is normally 5-7 hours of your whole life, just chill out about it. exactly, It's only a few hours out of your life.  So make those 5-7 hours count in how you treat other people.  Just because they are the nearest and dearest to you doesn't make it okay to treat them like garbage because they 'love you' and will 'understand'

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Oh my goodness. I have only read two of the seven pages of comments on this post, but I am appalled. You all sound like entitled jerks. A cash bar is a deal breaker for you; really?? Alcohol is expensive-just don't drink if you are that offended. The garter toss? That is a tradition; what is it hurting you? Not promptly receiving a thank you note? Etiquette maintains that you have a year, after that if they haven't sent one then it is rude but not something to begrudge them of for all future gift giving occasions. I think a honeymoon fund is fine. Maybe they have all the blenders and sheet sets that they need. Wouldn't it be nice if they could go somewhere for a honeymoon? You are spending the same money as you would for a registry gift but it is going to  go toward their beach honeymoon or whatever. I understand that gaps are inconvenient at times, but the bride and groom planned it that way for a reason. It isn't killing you, and I really don't think it is that big of a deal. And, above all, it is not YOUR wedding. Apparently, judging from the comments I have read, you all have an endless budget and you are all masters of etiquette. I am sure that no part of your weddings will rub anyone the wrong way. I say, the bride and groom that had these offenses you mention dodged a bullet by pissing all of you off. It was a mistake to invite most of you in the first place. Jeez.. a wedding is normally 5-7 hours of your whole life, just chill out about it.


    1. A cash bar is absolutely a dealbreaker for me. The last cash bar wedding I went to was extremely lavish- the bride had an expensive designer gown, the reception was held in a very upscale club, the centerpieces were enormous, they had both a band and a DJ. They also ran out of food and had a cash bar. It was obvious to me that they cared more about looking good than taking care of their guests. It was not okay.

    I am not having a full open bar. I am having a dry wedding. That is a choice I made so my guests can be indoors with air conditioning and have lots of excellent food.

    2. I don't agree with some of the ladies here that I would never gift again for lack of a thank-you card, but typically hosts who don't send thank-yous are ungracious in plenty of other ways. If you've already subjected me to a gap, a cash bar, and not enough seating--and then don't thank me--it's clear to me that you don't give a crap about me and that will hurt our relationship forever.

    3. Sure, a wedding is only a few hours of your life. But it is a few hours that tell you exactly how the hosts of that wedding feel about their guests. If they spent their time and money making sure their guests were well-hosted with enough food, drinks they don't have to pay for (alcoholic or not), and a seat for every person, then I know that they care about me and want me to be comfortable and happy. If they chose to have a gap, have a cash bar, and spend all their time taking pictures instead of greeting their guests, then I know that they're in this for themselves and I don't matter to them.

    I don't have endless buckets of money. But I am doing my damndest to make sure that my friends and family will not have to open their wallets at my wedding, and have a good time while they are there.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
    PrettyGirlLostohannabelle
  • I cheat on my thank yous already. As we have a set guest list and I have my Gentleman Owl cards - I'm writing most of everything out. Dear Aunt Susan, Thank you for helping make our wedding special! It was wonderful to see you that day. (Or thereabouts, they aren't form letters.) (Blank chunk) Then, since I'm going off my spreadsheet, I just print their envelope, put stamp on and keep the card and envelope together. Then they're filed in alphabetical order. Then, as we open anything, I write in "Thank you for the towel warmer. It is lovely on chilly days and it's in heavy use already. Love, River & Matt or Matt & River." Toss in our new address magnet. Put it in the envelope and it's done. Not hard at all. Shower thank yous will be evil as I won't have all the info. So I'll be doing those after. Boo hiss. They are so easy to get done. I will never send a gift to a middle school aged kid and up if I don't see a thank you.
    I know this is an older comment, but I just now read it for the first time and I totally agree with the bolded (and am taking this opprotunity to rant).

    Its not that hard to send a thank you note.. I have been with FI for over 6 years and every time I took the time to purchase a gift for his sister she always gave credit to FI even when the gift was clearly marked from me or from both of us. 

    Worst part was when FI handed her my gift and said, "this is from perdonami." She took gift said outloud to her MIL who was helping take down information for thank you notes, "Coffeepot from brother." I was so pissed. Obviously, I was not provided a thank you card. 

    She invites me solo (ladies only event)  to her baby shower a few months ago, I can't go but decide to still send her a gift. STILL no thank you card.. that is the last time I take the time to get her a gift. 

    </rant>
  • With a gap, the wedding day lasts longer than 5-7 hours. That's extra hours wasted waiting around for the bride and groom to get their shit together.
    To think that YOUR DAY is so important that you expect people you supposedly care about to "suck it up" for hours of their life is being a jerk. THAT'S entitlement.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostohannabelle
  • My deal breakers:

    Not inviting V

    A gap

    A popluck/byob

    And lastly, if you make me move chairs or any free labor
    image
    LDay2014beetheryperdonami
  • Oh my goodness. I have only read two of the seven pages of comments on this post, but I am appalled. You all sound like entitled jerks. A cash bar is a deal breaker for you; really?? Alcohol is expensive-just don't drink if you are that offended. The garter toss? That is a tradition; what is it hurting you? Not promptly receiving a thank you note? Etiquette maintains that you have a year, after that if they haven't sent one then it is rude but not something to begrudge them of for all future gift giving occasions. I think a honeymoon fund is fine. Maybe they have all the blenders and sheet sets that they need. Wouldn't it be nice if they could go somewhere for a honeymoon? You are spending the same money as you would for a registry gift but it is going to  go toward their beach honeymoon or whatever. I understand that gaps are inconvenient at times, but the bride and groom planned it that way for a reason. It isn't killing you, and I really don't think it is that big of a deal. And, above all, it is not YOUR wedding. Apparently, judging from the comments I have read, you all have an endless budget and you are all masters of etiquette. I am sure that no part of your weddings will rub anyone the wrong way. I say, the bride and groom that had these offenses you mention dodged a bullet by pissing all of you off. It was a mistake to invite most of you in the first place. Jeez.. a wedding is normally 5-7 hours of your whole life, just chill out about it.
    Wow.  Somebody sounds like an entitled jerk.... but I think you might wrong about who it is.

    PPs have the specific responses covered.  I just want to hit the point about thinking that etiquette somehow must mean you have an unlimited budget.  Etiquette just means that we put our guests' comfort first when planning a hosted event.  So, they should not have to open their wallets for a cash bar, wait around for you during a gap, or perform labor like move chairs.  As a guest, I'd always prefer a more modest wedding with no alcohol and simple food, instead of a lavish affair with a $3k gown, fancy flowers, but a gap and a cash bar.  It's about hosting well within your means, whatever those means are.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    [Deleted User]
  • I never received a thank you from my boss's shower (shower held early April, wedding last week). In fact, this was the entire (text) conversation regarding her shower and my gift:

    Me: Just an FYI, I came home and found your card, it must've fallen out of the gift bag which means my gift has no way of telling you who it's from lol it was the big sparkly silver bag with silver ribbon
    Her: What was in it? lol
    Me: The fruit-infuser water pitcher from your registry
    Her: You're one of the mystery gifts! Lol One of my BMs wrote everything down, and there were a couple we didn't know who gave them. Thanks for telling me. 

    That was it. Not "thanks for the gift." Not even "thanks for coming." Just, "thanks for telling me." Suffice it to say that I talked myself out of dropping $4.95 on a wedding card when the day came around REAL quick. Her failure to simply thank me for a gift illustrated to me her lack of gratitude and it made me realize that anything I could ever give her in the future would go entirely unappreciated. Not worth my time, money, or effort.

    I did her makeup for her wedding and the makeup of several of her guests/BMs....four straight hours of wedding makeup.... and she never once said thank you for that either (her mother, the owner of the business and my BOSS-boss, gave me a very nice thank you card with some monetary compensation for my work that day. I truly appreciated that). 

    Etiquette is not about being entitled, stuck up, or having money. Etiquette is about treating people properly and making sure that the people you invite to spend their time with you are happy in doing so. It's shitty to invite people to something and make them suffer through it. 

    My dealbreakers: not inviting my SO, cash bar (if I wanted to pay for drinks, I'll do it at the venue of my choice in the company of my choice), and failure to properly thank me will result in future consequences, because it will affect my perception of you and your appreciation of others.
    pinkshorts27
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