Alcohol Dispute

Simply Fated

nash0814 said:

nash0814 said:

April192002 said:

You can't please everyone, though both parents are people you would want to please at your wedding, but unless his won't come if you do have alcohol or yours won't come if you don't, just do what you two want to do and can afford.

Have you looked into a limited bar - something that is only available during dinner or a 2 drink kind of thing? You would need to let your guests know so if you're not having a small-ish wedding or aren't close to everyone invited then this may be a little more difficult to pull off.

CANT GET OUT OF THE BOX:

 I have been trying to think of something so that both sides can "win" somewhat (and to the person that said that i shouldn't try to please everyone....it is our parents. It's not that we polled our guests and are trying to please everyone). Like maybe putting a bottle of wine or sparkling juice of tables, depending on the table and/or having the bar be available at 9 or 10pm...?

Okay...all cash bar/open bar/no bar responses aside....I really need help trying to figure out what to do about my family wanting alcohol and my FI family being very against it. This was my last comment if anyone has any thoughts that can help me.

What do YOU TWO want?
If either side threatens to not come or start a scene, call their bluff. Tell them, "I'm sorry that you have decided not to attend. Have you tried to the bean dip?"

Unless, of course, any of them are paying. Then they get to choose.

hales2010

JoanE2012 said:

@hnbright2010 - It is rude to have a cash bar. Period. No guest should ever have to open their wallet at an event that you are hosting. If someone is upset because there is no alcohol (or chocolate cake or lobster or whatever), that's on them. When someone is hosting you, you should be grateful for what is provided to you. If someone is really that upset, they can leave the reception early.

I guess I just do not see it as rude because its the norm around the town I live in. I have been to a 14 weddings. Out of those 14 only 2 did not have alcohol. The remaining 12 that did have alcohol all had cash bars. The majority of those weddings have been within the past 4 years.

AddieCake

@nash0814‌ Who is paying for the reception? Ditto Simply Fated.

NYCBruin

nash0814 said:

nash0814 said:

April192002 said:

You can't please everyone, though both parents are people you would want to please at your wedding, but unless his won't come if you do have alcohol or yours won't come if you don't, just do what you two want to do and can afford.

Have you looked into a limited bar - something that is only available during dinner or a 2 drink kind of thing? You would need to let your guests know so if you're not having a small-ish wedding or aren't close to everyone invited then this may be a little more difficult to pull off.

CANT GET OUT OF THE BOX:

 I have been trying to think of something so that both sides can "win" somewhat (and to the person that said that i shouldn't try to please everyone....it is our parents. It's not that we polled our guests and are trying to please everyone). Like maybe putting a bottle of wine or sparkling juice of tables, depending on the table and/or having the bar be available at 9 or 10pm...?

Okay...all cash bar/open bar/no bar responses aside....I really need help trying to figure out what to do about my family wanting alcohol and my FI family being very against it. This was my last comment if anyone has any thoughts that can help me.

Why not have a morning or afternoon reception?  People won't be expecting alcohol the way they would for an evening reception.  Also, because morning and afternoon receptions tend to be far less expensive, you could use the money saved to have some alcohol such as mimosas. 

Jen4948

hnbright2010 said:

JoanE2012 said:

@hnbright2010 - It is rude to have a cash bar. Period. No guest should ever have to open their wallet at an event that you are hosting. If someone is upset because there is no alcohol (or chocolate cake or lobster or whatever), that's on them. When someone is hosting you, you should be grateful for what is provided to you. If someone is really that upset, they can leave the reception early.

I guess I just do not see it as rude because its the norm around the town I live in. I have been to a 14 weddings. Out of those 14 only 2 did not have alcohol. The remaining 12 that did have alcohol all had cash bars. The majority of those weddings have been within the past 4 years.

Your "not seeing it as rude" doesn't mean it isn't rude, regardless of what is the norm around the town you live in or when the weddings you attended took place.

One's personal experiences do not negate rules of etiquette that are universal.  One of those universal etiquette rules is that guests are not required to pay for their own provisions at a wedding reception which is supposed to be a thank-you to them for attending the wedding.  Another is that if one cannot afford to pay for something, alcohol or no, one does not make it available to one's guests to pay for themselves.  And a third is that one is not entitled to expect one's hosts to make any specific type of provision available, even if one has to pay for it oneself, or judge them for not doing so.  You're entitled to drink, but the hosts don't have to provide alcohol for you-regardless of who pays for it.

alpacalunch

OP, really, it boils down to, as PPs have said, what the two of you want. If either of your families are paying for the reception, that will play a role. But is this something where your partner's family won't come if there is booze served? Or yours won't if it's dry? Figure out what the consequences are, and once you decide, stick to your guns. 

On the cash bar/open bar/no bar front:

I hate cash bars. Every time. I don't bring my wallet to weddings. I bring ID and cab fare, perhaps my debit card. I've been to cash bar weddings where you couldn't even get water from the host, and honestly I will remember that whenever I see the couple. 

I've been to several dry functions that were perfectly nice, and the alcohol wasn't missed in the least. As long as I'm well-hosted, I'm a happy camper. 

I liken it to cake. It's not an integral part of a party (though it should be). I'm not going to offer cake to my guests that I cannot afford, and then have them pay for a slice. That's just silly. 

Also, because I've seen it so damned many times: Just because it's common, doesn't mean it's polite. 

nash0814

me and my fiancé are paying for most of it but my mom is paying for some. My fiancé and i aren't really alcohol drinkers so we really don't care either way. We were going to have some available b/c my family enjoys a glass of wine and doesn't have a problem with alcohol but when my (future) MIL found out they got really upset and they will still come of course but would be really upset and i just don't want my wedding experience to be tainted by getting a hard time for having alcohol or not having it. My mom is pushing to have it and his parents are very strongly (VERY strongly) not wanting it

LondonLisa

nash0814 said:

me and my fiancé are paying for most of it but my mom is paying for some. My fiancé and i aren't really alcohol drinkers so we really don't care either way. We were going to have some available b/c my family enjoys a glass of wine and doesn't have a problem with alcohol but when my (future) MIL found out they got really upset and they will still come of course but would be really upset and i just don't want my wedding experience to be tainted by getting a hard time for having alcohol or not having it. My mom is pushing to have it and his parents are very strongly (VERY strongly) not wanting it

Well, if your mother is contributing and she wants wine, there is your answer. Just have beer and wine available (no cash bar!). You don't need to have a full bar available, but I think it is perfectly fair to allow people to have a glass of wine with dinner. Your FMIL sounds horribly judgmental if she cannot even stand the sight of people drinking wine at a party she is invited to (remember, she is not a host, she is a guest). Does she never go to a restaurant? Your FMIL doesn't have a say in this, as she is not hosting. You and your fi need to get on the same page and your fi needs to talk to his mother and say that you will be serving wine and beer and the matter is closed. Then when ever she tries to bring it up just bean dip as it is not up for discussion.

ETA: don't limit the time on when wine/ beer is available. Also, don't just have it sitting on the table (Wouldn't that be more "in your face" to the non-drinkers?). Just have a small bar in the corner with beer and wine by the glass available. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. You aren't going to have a win-win situation here with someone so obsinate as your FMIL who apparently cannot even be in the presence of wine. Your mother is contributing, your fi's family is not, therefore, your mother has a say and your fi's family doesn't. It really is simple as that. If you go against what your mother wants, you should decline her money. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Agree with LondonLisa. I think your FI needs to have a sit-down with his mom and say "while nash and I fully respect your opinion on the alcohol issue, nash's parents have generously chosen to host wine (or whatever) at our wedding. It is no longer up for discussion so I trust that you can respect that and still come enjoy the day." Sit her away from the bar (or is it possible to have the alcohol available from servers rather than a bar?) and change the subject. The only "win/win" is when everyone decides to be adults about the situation. Your FILs have been around alcohol before; they should know how to deal with its presence without getting upset.

If you'd rather side with FI's mom rather than yours, you'll need to be prepared to decline ALL of your parents' money.

maiorielloam6

Im sorry that instead of answering your question, people are telling you that you shouldn't have a cash bar.... I've been to plenty of weddings with cash bars.. it's really not a big deal.. So.. this is a pretty big issue.. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with it... i can't even imagine the amount of stress you're dealing with, or the amount of times you've woken up in the middle of the night panicking about it.. I agree that if you're paying for the wedding, you should be able to have the cash bar option for your guests. But if it's your fiances family is paying, you might have to concede victory.. (I skimmed the replies, if someone else said this, then I'm sorry and i agree with them)

beethery

maiorielloam6 said:

Im sorry that instead of answering your question, people are telling you that you shouldn't have a cash bar.... I've been to plenty of weddings with cash bars.. it's really not a big deal.. So.. this is a pretty big issue.. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with it... i can't even imagine the amount of stress you're dealing with, or the amount of times you've woken up in the middle of the night panicking about it.. I agree that if you're paying for the wedding, you should be able to have the cash bar option for your guests. But if it's your fiances family is paying, you might have to concede victory.. (I skimmed the replies, if someone else said this, then I'm sorry and i agree with them)

Cash bar tells people: Please pay for your own drinks, because we could not be bothered to plan adequately. This is not a reception, but a meager attempt at a grown-up party.

Just because it's the norm does not mean it is right.

AddieCake

maiorielloam6 said:

Im sorry that instead of answering your question, people are telling you that you shouldn't have a cash bar.... I've been to plenty of weddings with cash bars.. it's really not a big deal.. So.. this is a pretty big issue.. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with it... i can't even imagine the amount of stress you're dealing with, or the amount of times you've woken up in the middle of the night panicking about it.. I agree that if you're paying for the wedding, you should be able to have the cash bar option for your guests. But if it's your fiances family is paying, you might have to concede victory.. (I skimmed the replies, if someone else said this, then I'm sorry and i agree with them)

And I'm sorry that you think it's appropriate to ask your guests to contribute to your wedding fund. Sometimes, when someone asks a question, if it involves a bad idea, people will try to prevent them from carrying out said bad idea. For example, if you asked me which car you should use for your getaway vehicle after you rob a bank, I would try to talk you out of that instead of saying, "Corvette." 

Jen4948

maiorielloam6 said:

Im sorry that instead of answering your question, people are telling you that you shouldn't have a cash bar.... I've been to plenty of weddings with cash bars.. it's really not a big deal.. 

Oh yes it is a very big deal, because hosts expecting the guests to pay for their own thank-you for attending is rude, rude, rude and says that the hosts did a rotten job of planning.  

The guests are not supposed to be expected to pay for their own provisions or to expect to do that themselves.  You want to host them?  Pay for the alcohol yourself.

NYCBruin

nash0814 said:

me and my fiancé are paying for most of it but my mom is paying for some. My fiancé and i aren't really alcohol drinkers so we really don't care either way. We were going to have some available b/c my family enjoys a glass of wine and doesn't have a problem with alcohol but when my (future) MIL found out they got really upset and they will still come of course but would be really upset and i just don't want my wedding experience to be tainted by getting a hard time for having alcohol or not having it. My mom is pushing to have it and his parents are very strongly (VERY strongly) not wanting it

I feel like I should restate my suggestion for a brunch or lunch reception with either limited or no alcohol.  If you choose to not have alcohol, your family will be less likely to miss alcohol at a daytime event.  If you choose to have alcohol, you can have more limited options and people are less likely to overindulge so your FILs are less likely to be upset about its presence.  You can also have something like mimosas which are less "in your face" than other alcohol choices, especially if you serve other juices in champagne flutes.

OwningAHome1981

hnbright2010 said:

OwningAHome1981 said:

My Fi and I are paying for the wedding, my mom is helping with some (with what she can) and my Fi's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner only...

His parents feel very strongly about not having alcohol there period; they don't want it to be available at all. I was thinking that we could possibly try to find a compromise; that way we can meet half way. At the end of the day it is about my Fi and I but we want to make everyone happy too

Dry weddings = unhappy guests. I know I would absolutely be unhappy at a dry wedding, even if I knew about it prior b/c I like to drink.

See this right here is what I am talking about. I feel like regardless weddings are to have open bars (which I can not afford)

 

People say cash bars are so rude and inconsiderate to guests but you take alchol completely out and people will be upset or mad. From what I can tell in this case from what people are saying is these people should not have weddings. This upsets me because I am on a strict budget to the choices for me were cash bar or no bar. Like some of the previous people. I do not see anything wrong with a cash bar because my parents are paying for this and for them to pay for my friends and family (which we are having 125 guests) is almost rude to my parents.

Ultimately it sucks but you can't please everyone. My parents are pretty much downright poor but we knew an open bar was the right thing to do for our crowd so we made sacrifices elsewhere. People who like to drink like me would likely be more upset at not having it available at all than having to pay for it. I hate cash bars but I hate dry weddings a lot more.

[Deleted User]

People are really rude on here

theartistformerlyknownas

LauraLeon51710 said:

People are really rude on here

People having cash bars? Yeah super rude.

Everyone else was honest. Sometimes the truth hurts.

JoanE2012

LauraLeon51710 said:

People are really rude on here

The only rude thing in this thread is the cash bar.

AddieCake

LauraLeon51710 said:

People are really rude on here

Well, you're free to walk away and not log back in if you don't care for the people here. 

kaylslaw

As a guest, I'd much rather a cash bar than no alcohol at all. But, that doesn't mean they're ok.

I don't think people should be throwing parties/ weddings unless they can adequately host their guests. That involves making sure they have something to drink of their choosing, alcoholic or otherwise. I wouldn't dare invite a bunch of friends over to my home without providing them with wine or a cocktail and something to munch on, why is it acceptable for a wedding?

Jen4948

kaylslaw said:

As a guest, I'd much rather a cash bar than no alcohol at all. But, that doesn't mean they're ok.

I don't think people should be throwing parties/ weddings unless they can adequately host their guests. That involves making sure they have something to drink of their choosing, alcoholic or otherwise. I wouldn't dare invite a bunch of friends over to my home without providing them with wine or a cocktail and something to munch on, why is it acceptable for a wedding?

It's not.  But alcohol is never required.  The fact that you would always serve it does not require anyone else to make it available at their wedding, and if they don't, they're not being rude or bad hosts to you.

nash0814

As much as I appreciate some of the responses and help...its really not about the cash bar/open bar/no bar. This situation is something that has become very upsetting to me and its very frustrating when I just want my day to be perfect and not have to worry about stupid stuff like upsetting one of our parents or choosing one family over the other in a decision. So if you are going to say something about cash bar/no bar/open bar, please do it on a separate discussion. And thank you to those that have tried to help address and answer my stressful situation.

jneen101

LauraLeon51710 said:

People are really rude on here

Ugh yes totally agree!  I cannot believe that in real life there are people who make wedding guests pay for their own drinks, but they exist!  SUPER rude! 

HauteRoxy

We are having a sort of dry wedding, only because it's a 20 person (approx) wedding guests, and zero of them besides FH and me drink. Wait, my 86 year old nana will drink! lol But we plan on bringing a case of beer for ourselves & nana if we feel like having one over the weekend. 

So we are opting for a champagne toast. I'm sure most people will take a sip at the very least. Not to hijack, but would 2 bottles be enough for that toast? 

To the OP: 
I think if YOUR parents are paying for some of the wedding and his are paying for the RD, they can run the RD however they please, but have ZERO say in your wedding. Period. 

Have a bar. Save money if you have to - don't do a cash bar, just because. If they are already supplying a bartender, you can buy some cases of wine and beer. It's not hardcore liquor and it's not completely dry either. That is how I would compromise myself. 

Personally, I don't appreciate anyone who shows up to a wedding to get shit faced. It's so rude (My own humble OPINION!) And at least with a bartender he can pour beers into mugs and wine into glasses and it will "look nice" . . . orrrr to save even MORE money, you could buy some booze and make a couple of signature drinks. Serve only those. I hear that is a HUGE money saver. 

Maybe some variation of a spritzer for the ladies, and if you do a mixed drink for men - you can get away with bottom shelf quality in order to save. Make a whiskey drink for the men. . 

Hope I helped a little. 

I feel your pain. Neither of our families are contributing in any way - yet they make a whole lot of demands. It is very hard to try and stay respectful, but I kinda try to remind them what function they are talking about and who are the most important people of the day. It ain't them.

Maggie0829

nash0814 said:

As much as I appreciate some of the responses and help...its really not about the cash bar/open bar/no bar. This situation is something that has become very upsetting to me and its very frustrating when I just want my day to be perfect and not have to worry about stupid stuff like upsetting one of our parents or choosing one family over the other in a decision. So if you are going to say something about cash bar/no bar/open bar, please do it on a separate discussion. And thank you to those that have tried to help address and answer my stressful situation.

@nash0814 - You can never please everyone so stop trying.  You and your FI are paying for this wedding so his family really has no say what so ever is what you decide to host or not host.  If you want alcohol then have alcohol.  But if you do have alcohol then you need to host it and eliminate the cash bar.  Have beer and wine and then some non-alcoholic drinks and call it a day.  If your FIs family is that upset by being around alcohol then that is on them and they can choose whether witnessing their child getting married is more or less important then their aversion to alcohol.

Also, you can't tell posters how to post on these boards.  Stating that you are going to have a cash bar is something many posters find fault with and will tell you so.

izza2

I'm beginning to think I need to stay off of these boards. The more topics I go on to the more arguments I see with people for not doing something the "right" way, or the "best" way.
I can personally say that I've been to my fair share of wedding - some dry, some with cash bars, some with open bars, and some with a mixture between the previous two. Not once have I ever heard anyone sit there and complain as much as the replies to this thread about having to pay for their own alcohol to continue drinking or drink at all.

As for the actual topic of this discussion, since apparently it's difficult to keep things on-topic around here:

We have the opposite problem. We're having a dry wedding except for one glass of wine per adult for toasting. Alcoholism runs rampant through both of our families, and FI and I are both very rare drinkers. We originally didn't want alcohol at all, but figured one glass would be appropriate for the toasting. We're offering a number of alternate refreshments for the rest of the time. As a result, we've gotten complaints from people at his work (they've threatened to not come) as well as FI's mother about them wanting alcohol there.

The way we see it, if people won't come see us get married just because we're not supplying them with free alcohol, then they don't need to come period.

My best advice is to go with what you and your FI want. If your parents or FI's parents aren't helping out with the wedding, then they don't have any say in how it goes. If you want it dry, then don't supply alcohol. If you want a cash bar, then have one. It's your wedding and no one else's. Don't let other people decide how your day should go.

chibiyui

I think both your parents are being ridiculous. If you can't afford to host alcohol, unless Mom is kicking in money to cover it, she has no reason to be upset because as you've said, you can't fully afford it. I think your grooms parents are being dramatic. No one is forcing them to drink, and if they aren't kicking in money for the wedding, they have absolutely no say in what you can or can't do. If someone drinking a glass of wine is going to taint their night, then good luck to you dear because everything you do in the future will probably meet their disapproval. 

This is one of the times you can say, to both of them in varying language "Fuck you, it's my day" Dry weddings are perfectly fine etiquette wise. Limited bars, are perfectly okay etiquette wise. You could host just beer and wine, or just wine even, you can just have it during dinner service, though admittedly that might confuse people if it's only available part of the time. 

Do you and your FI. Your respective parents can suck it. 

AddieCake

.

izza2 said:

I'm beginning to think I need to stay off of these boards. The more topics I go on to the more arguments I see with people for not doing something the "right" way, or the "best" way.
I can personally say that I've been to my fair share of wedding - some dry, some with cash bars, some with open bars, and some with a mixture between the previous two. Not once have I ever heard anyone sit there and complain as much as the replies to this thread about having to pay for their own alcohol to continue drinking or drink at all.

Another person who feels the need to make an announcement that they want to leave. Yawn. 

If you don't want to be here, then just go. Nobody is interested in your proclamation that you are doing so. 

Just b/c you don't hear them complaining AT the event doesn't mean they aren't complaining off-site. That's our whole purpose here. We are trying to prevent brides from being talked about behind their backs. 

izza2

That wasn't a proclamation, hun. I said I'm beginning to think I need to stay away because the more I actually try to look at posts, the more unnecessary arguments I see. Like the one you're trying to start.
If I leave, I leave. I don't know any of you, I wouldn't care one way or another if you knew I left.

AddieCake

izza2 said:

That wasn't a proclamation, hun. I said I'm beginning to think I need to stay away because the more I actually try to look at posts, the more unnecessary arguments I see. Like the one you're trying to start.
If I leave, I leave. I don't know any of you, I wouldn't care one way or another if you knew I left.

It was a proclamation. You proclaimed you think you need to stay away. And if you're going to call me "hon," I prefer you spell it appropriately, like the shortened version of "honey" that it is, as opposed to calling me a tribe of nomadic people. 

I wasn't trying to start an argument with you. I simply don't see the point of making announcements about the desire to leave. And if you don't care if people know you left, then again I ask why make an announcement about it? In making the announcement, you want people to know how you feel.