Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

southernbelle0915

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. 

All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

Did you believe he would EVER cause harm to you? Did you believe that he would punch you twice while driving at high speeds, try to run you over with a vehicle, and then hunt you down for hours? What if he had found you?

I know that you know him and you know him intimately, but he obviously has problems that cause him to be unpredictable (even for you) and violent. I know you think he's a good dad and I'm sure he has been. But you CANNOT predict when a person like this will snap and make a "mistake" when it comes to your kids. Even if he doesn't end up physically abusing them, he might drive drunk while they're in the car or do something else to put them at risk. It's simply not worth it.

Not to mention, and I agree with @RebeccaFlower here, that staying in an abusive relationship is NOT a good example for your kids. Just as you pass down good values, habits and practices to your kids, you will be passing this down too. Someone strong has to break the cycle and I know you are strong enough for it to be you.

LadyMillil

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

But, do you want to give him the chance to hit the kids? What if he gets drunk again and one of the kids pisses him off? Are you 100% sure that he will not hit them? Can you trust completely that if you weren't around and he got drunk that the kids would be safe? You may be right, but is that a chance you're willing to take? 

climbingsingle

My ex had a really bad drinking problem. He would be belligerent when he was drunk. And his behavior escalated. Each time it would be worse. I can't even tell you how many times I had to drag him out of a bar, trying to stop a fight between him and another person. He was never physically abusive, but the verbal abuse was out of control. When I finally broke up with him, he got drunk and destroyed my belongings. 

My first boyfriend also physically abused me. So I've been there too. Again, I'm really sorry. I wish there was something I could do. 

Senecaf

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

LDay2014

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

Supervised for the time being, and after some hefty counselling. Until he has a handle on his alcoholism (read extended period of time sober and regularly attending AA), I would NOT leave my children alone with him. He needs to understand what he stands to lose if his behavior doesn't change. He has to want to change, for himself. Maybe the potential of losing his children will be the swift kick in the ass he needs.

sarawifenow

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

I don't think I would go that far. Perhaps supervised visits would be best. I know that this is such a hard situation.

 

My ex FI was physically abusive. I always thought it would only be to me (he has a child from another relationship) and that he would never harm his daughter. Well, one day he proved me wrong and hit her so hard that he knocked a tooth out. I called police, child protective services and then once she was safe left him. She now lives with her grandmother who is a wonderful woman and is excelling in everything she does. You never know when someone like that is going to snap. Who wants to live with a ticking time bomb?

climbingsingle

I wouldn't keep the kids from him. But I would also want supervised visits. Even if you don't think he'd ever hit the kids, he has a drinking problem. And that will cloud his judgement and he could end up putting the kids in a dangerous situation.

RebeccaFlower

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to. 

Maggie0829

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

Of course, but only after he gets his ass to counseling and AA and shows that he can control himself by not indulging in alcohol at all.

southernbelle0915

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

************SITB****************

If it remains up to you, I would play this by ear. So if he goes out himself and gets counseling, joins AA, gives up alcohol FOR GOOD, and commits himself in that way, then you can assess the situation at that time. If he doesn't do these things, then I would say no. It's simply not worth the risk of putting your kids in the hands of an unpredictable, violent person who has an alcohol problem. 

However, and I mean this in a very supportive way... This may not be up to you if you don't take the legal steps you need to take RIGHT NOW. You need to start building a legal case so that this doesn't end up being a messy custody battle. If he cares about his kids (and it sounds like he does), he will fight to have joint custody. If you want to stay in the driver's seat, you need to get your ducks in a row. That will mean pressing charges and reporting the driving incident to the authorities. Do it sooner than later - they'll already ask why you waited.

themuffinman16

You let him see your kids, but supervised, and then he can get weekend visits/ joint custody.  We are saying living with him creates more opportunities to put your kids at risk for being the target of his behavior. Even if it is watching you get hit. It is 100% not healthy for a child to ever witness that. It is 200% not okay for a kid to be a victim of violence. And the thing is... you never know. what someone is capable of.  When you see it happen once, you know, though, that his anger is there.

kaitlynmichelle

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I also agree he should only have supervised visits with the kids right now. Focus on yourself and your children. You need to make sure you are safe.

Is there a friend that can come home with you tonight? You shouldn't be alone if you are asking him to leave tonight. Someone you trust should be with you in case he gets upset or violent again.

Thinking of you. Please see a doctor for your jaw and have it documented.

beethery

Supervised visits in a place with a metal detector. I'm not saying he would do something that crazy, but you never know. We had some shit go down in a building near my office last year that was unthinkable, and the idea of it being a possibility for anyone else is horrifying.

You need to lawyer up.

Senecaf

Maybe I have such a hard time with this because he is the most patient, loving father. When I can't deal ( and that happens when you have small children) he will swoop in and take them to play. He does homework with them and makes dinner while im still at work. He is not walking around drunk all the time. He binge drinks, so do I sometimes, and that is when there are issues.

RebeccaFlower said:

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to. 

I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.

RebeccaFlower

Senecaf said:

Maybe I have such a hard time with this because he is the most patient, loving father. When I can't deal ( and that happens when you have small children) he will swoop in and take them to play. He does homework with them and makes dinner while im still at work. He is not walking around drunk all the time. He binge drinks, so do I sometimes, and that is when there are issues.

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to. 

I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.

How are you going to tell him to get out? I don't know if this is something the police do, but I would see if they can be on standby/near your house if he gets violent. 

LDay2014

I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.

This.  You have every right to stay in the house with the children - it's much less disruptive for them.  But you cannot afford to have him their either, cost is not always financial.  Have him packed and ready when he gets home and let him know it's not up for debate.  He needs to know you are serious and mean business.  And, as PP have said...lawyer up.  See your doctor, just to get it on record.

larrygaga

Good for you kicking him out! Now go to the doctor and get it documented

theartistformerlyknownas

Senecaf said: Maybe I have such a hard time with this because he is the most patient, loving father. When I can't deal ( and that happens when you have small children) he will swoop in and take them to play. He does homework with them and makes dinner while im still at work. He is not walking around drunk all the time. He binge drinks, so do I sometimes, and that is when there are issues. Senecaf said: Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest? You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to.  I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.     - - - -        - - - -    What the fuck with the boxes today??    - - - -        - - - -    Alcoholics can be perfectly lovely people when they're not drinking. And who knows, maybe once he gets the help he needs and you both get some counseling, you can work things out and trust him again. I never would have imagined myself saying that before I understood alcoholism the way I do now, but I wouldn't necessarily put it outside the realm of possibility. But this has to be his breaking point. This is rock bottom. And he needs to work his shit out by himself before he gets the chance to be alone with any of you again.

RebeccaFlower

I would call a locksmith for this afternoon. Tell them it's an emergency. 

southernbelle0915

Oh, and change your locks right after he leaves. This is so important. If he hasn't fully committed to giving up alcohol, you can bet your ass he'll be black out wasted tonight and pissed that all this is happening. That is a recipe for disaster. If you don't feel safe, stay some place else until you can get your locks changed.

beethery

Senecaf said:

Maybe I have such a hard time with this because he is the most patient, loving father. When I can't deal ( and that happens when you have small children) he will swoop in and take them to play. He does homework with them and makes dinner while im still at work. He is not walking around drunk all the time. He binge drinks, so do I sometimes, and that is when there are issues.

Senecaf said:

Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?

You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to. 

I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.

Make sure someone is there (police, etc) when he is leaving. Also, make sure you or a trusted relative picks up the kids and maybe hangs out elsewhere with them while he's leaving.

JCbride2015

Gahhhh I really wish I was allowed to give you legal advice.  But I can't except for this: get a lawyer now.  Many women's shelters and domestic abuse organizations can hook you up with representation, and they can do it quickly.

You already told him to leave and he agreed, right?  Good.  It's your house, and he's the one being an abusive asshole.

As for the kids, and this is just personal opinion, I definitely agree with PPs who said of course he should see the kids but only once he gets counseling and is committed to AA or a similar program.  A lawyer can help you with this.

holyguacamole79

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

I don't understand this.  Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.  You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do.  He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car.  He does not deserve to be alone with your children.

beethery

YES, CHANGE THE LOCKS ASAP.

gladyscf

I just want to echo how sorry I am that you are going through this. 

I won't repeat all the great advice you've already gotten but please be strong and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your children. Please make sure you file a police report. If nothing comes of it right  now, fine. At least you are starting a trail that can be followed if need be.

Sending the biggest hugs!

theartistformerlyknownas

sarahbear31 said:

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

I don't understand this.  Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.  You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do.  He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car.  He does not deserve to be alone with your children.

Because she can't. Nobody can. They have to fix it by and for themselves or it won't stay fixed. You can't just take the booze away and expect that switch to flip in their brains.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf 

emmaaa

cupcait927 said:

I was going to ask if he had a history of violence prior. Your last post makes his actions towards you make a little more sense, not that it's okay. I am so, so sorry that you're going through this. I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but I know that my last relationship was headed that way. He was abused by his father and I knew that if we had stayed together, based on his actions, that one day I was going to be on the receiving end and that was terrifying.

Your'e right when you say that you can't change him. My dad was an alcoholic (17 years sober now) and my ex is an alcoholic. They have to want to change and until they do, you need to look out for yourself and your kids. They're better off with parents that are separated than seeing mom and dad fight and mom get hurt. We all support you and will be here whenever you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to talk to.

THIS. My dad is also a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for a little over a year now. My brothers and I tried everything in our power to get him help and get him to change but it never worked. Nothing worked (not even his DUI 5 years ago) until he was hospitalized for liver failure and decided that living sober and depressed (dealing with a nasty divorce from my mom is what sparked his alcoholism) was better than being dead.

I am praying for y'all. Again, I am so sorry.

Senecaf

He isn't walking around as a drunk. He gets off work early in the day and has already agreed to have his stuff ready. I will ask him for his key, and he will leave. I'm going to ask his mother to be there and have her give me her spare key too. Just in case he borrows hers because she will surely take him in. And he will not hit rock bottom because she babies him and will not let him suffer.

holyguacamole79

lolo883 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

I don't understand this.  Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.  You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do.  He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car.  He does not deserve to be alone with your children.

Because she can't. Nobody can. They have to fix it by and for themselves or it won't stay fixed. You can't just take the booze away and expect that switch to flip in their brains.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf 

Right.  That's why I said "help him fix his drinking problem". 

Senecaf

sarahbear31 said:

lolo883 said:

sarahbear31 said:

Senecaf said:

I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try.

All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids.
Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.

I don't understand this.  Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.  You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do.  He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car.  He does not deserve to be alone with your children.

Because she can't. Nobody can. They have to fix it by and for themselves or it won't stay fixed. You can't just take the booze away and expect that switch to flip in their brains.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf 

Right.  That's why I said "help him fix his drinking problem". 


Because it's not my fucking problem. And I've tried before.