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Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

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Re: Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    Yes I think as much as it sucks it is best to involve law enforcement. You never know how this will play out. And if there is no record of abuse against you, he can very well make things very miserable for you in terms of the kids. And not just now, but in the future, should you realize that things cannot be worked out between you 2. I think it would be best for he police to be there tonight when he leaves. Maybe you can see if a relative can take the kids so that they don't experience anything alarming.

    I don't think you need to keep him from his kids but I think supervised visits would be best. I would not leave him alone with them until he gets himself some help.
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    lolo883 said:
    sarahbear31 said:
    Senecaf said:
    I'm not bruised. Sore and it was a little swollen yesterday but ibuprofen took care of it. The thing is he has been violent in the past. Just never towards me. He's gotten into fights at bars and he got a DUI last spring. He just makes really poor choices sometimes. He has an alcohol problem. I cannot fix it and I don't want to try. All of you mention my safety and the safety of my kids. And no matter what anyone says I don't belive he would EVER cause harm to the kids. Me again, yeah, maybe but not the kids. I don't know how to justify that. But I just know.
    I don't understand this.  Why do you not want to try and help him fix his drinking problem?

    Abusive people are often like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde.  You'd never THINK that they'd do something like this until they do.  He physically hit you, then tried to run you down with the car.  He does not deserve to be alone with your children.
    Because she can't. Nobody can. They have to fix it by and for themselves or it won't stay fixed. You can't just take the booze away and expect that switch to flip in their brains.

    ^^ This. You cannot do anything for an alcoholic until they want to change themselves. My sister and I spent our childhood pleading with my father, begging him to stop drinking, and it took him until I was 12 years old to finally decide he was done. He relapsed so many times in the 10 years he was drinking heavily. People going through recovery do indeed need help and support but this comes from counselors and from AA first, particularly in an abusive situation.

    Another example of how you can't make someone change - my ex punched a door frame so hard that he broke his hand one night when he was drunk, all because he was mad at me for suggesting that he may need to get help for his drinking. I was sobbing in bed, terrified of his behavior and he got violent. All because I was trying to help, to protect myself and him. To this day I am so, so happy that I got out of that relationship and took myself out of a spiraling situation.

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Senecaf said:
    He isn't walking around as a drunk. He gets off work early in the day and has already agreed to have his stuff ready. I will ask him for his key, and he will leave. I'm going to ask his mother to be there and have her give me her spare key too. Just in case he borrows hers because she will surely take him in. And he will not hit rock bottom because she babies him and will not let him suffer.
    I highly recommend you go to some AA Open Talk meetings. They're just like they sound - an open meeting where a recovering alcoholic gives a talk about their experiences. Members bring their SOs and families to get exposure and understanding. You will find a lot of people just like your H - they weren't drunk all the time but when they did drink, they became different people and let their actions destroy their lives. Those people are no less alcoholics than the ones who wake up and hit the vodka just to function. It's not "just a drinking problem" that he occasionally gets shit faced and starts throwing punches. 
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
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    Senecaf said:
    He isn't walking around as a drunk. He gets off work early in the day and has already agreed to have his stuff ready. I will ask him for his key, and he will leave. I'm going to ask his mother to be there and have her give me her spare key too. Just in case he borrows hers because she will surely take him in. And he will not hit rock bottom because she babies him and will not let him suffer.
    He may not be walking around as a drunk but there are many alcoholics that are fully functioning. My dad was one. He would work and then drink himself cold on his days off. I never called or went to see him on those days because I knew those were the days he drank. Just because he isn't "walking around as a drunk" doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. He needs to get help before it progresses more.

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  • SenecafSenecaf member
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    You guys. I'm broke. That wedding I had 3 weeks ago. He and I paid for it. All $15000+ of it. Locksmith, sure, I can swing that. Lawyer? No way. His cousin we met at the bar Satuday is in Law school at OSU. Maybe I'll ask her for suggestions on where to go but I don't want to tell her why.

    I mentioned before, I have no friends that are not "our" friends. I'm not sure I want to involve any of them.
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  • steph861steph861 member
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    Holy shit. Stay strong, girl. We're all here for you.
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    @Senecaf have you tried going to any Al-Anon meetings? If you're not familiar with them, they're similar to AA but for spouses and other family members of alcoholics. My mom used to attend back when my parents were still married and my dad was drinking. Even if he doesn't decide to change his behavior and get help, it could help you out by giving you a base of support and understanding.
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  • LittlePeachBlossomLittlePeachBlossom member
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    Senecaf said:
    Maybe I have such a hard time with this because he is the most patient, loving father. When I can't deal ( and that happens when you have small children) he will swoop in and take them to play. He does homework with them and makes dinner while im still at work. He is not walking around drunk all the time. He binge drinks, so do I sometimes, and that is when there are issues.
    Senecaf said:
    Do I never let him see the kids again? What do you all suggest?
    You need to assert yourself legally. I think you need to go to the doctor so all of this is documented. Pack what you need and take the kids to a hotel if you need to. 
    I'm not leaving. I cannot afford to for one. Two the house I'm mine. Mortgage is in my name and I pay every necessary bill there. HE is leaving this evening. I shouldn't have to leave my own house because his inability to behave.
    I understand your point and commend you on taking action. Definitely change all the locks immediately. I strongly recommend you go to the courthouse and file a restraining order. Until this is filed, the police cannot do much. You two are married and unless you had a prenuptial agreement he can claim the house is his too. He can question why he needs to leave and not you. It can get very ugly. (Not a lawyer here, just my experience. Lawyers & cops please chime in.) With the restraining order, he'll have no choice but to leave and the police can then enforce it if he refuses. Sure he's being cooperative now but that can change at anytime. You don't want him coming back after a few drinks to 'talk things out'.
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  • SenecafSenecaf member
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    emmaaa said:


    Senecaf said:

    He isn't walking around as a drunk. He gets off work early in the day and has already agreed to have his stuff ready. I will ask him for his key, and he will leave. I'm going to ask his mother to be there and have her give me her spare key too. Just in case he borrows hers because she will surely take him in. And he will not hit rock bottom because she babies him and will not let him suffer.


    He may not be walking around as a drunk but there are many alcoholics that are fully functioning. My dad was one. He would work and then drink himself cold on his days off. I never called or went to see him on those days because I knew those were the days he drank. Just because he isn't "walking around as a drunk" doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. He needs to get help before it progresses more.

    I fully believe he is an alcoholic. I'm just saying he will leave tonight. I don't doubt that especially if I have someone there.
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
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    Holy shit.  

    So much great advice has already been given and it sounds like you're already starting to take the steps that you need to take.  I just wanted to chime in and say that you are an amazingly strong woman and you're in my T & P.
    Anniversary

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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
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    Senecaf said:
    Senecaf said:
    He isn't walking around as a drunk. He gets off work early in the day and has already agreed to have his stuff ready. I will ask him for his key, and he will leave. I'm going to ask his mother to be there and have her give me her spare key too. Just in case he borrows hers because she will surely take him in. And he will not hit rock bottom because she babies him and will not let him suffer.
    He may not be walking around as a drunk but there are many alcoholics that are fully functioning. My dad was one. He would work and then drink himself cold on his days off. I never called or went to see him on those days because I knew those were the days he drank. Just because he isn't "walking around as a drunk" doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. He needs to get help before it progresses more.
    I fully believe he is an alcoholic. I'm just saying he will leave tonight. I don't doubt that especially if I have someone there.
    Good! I think it is a very strong thing you are doing and that is the best frist step you can have in this process.



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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    I usually do not condone people just going out and taking loans but these are dire circumstances. Maybe you can look into Peer to Peer lending such as Prosper.com. It is easier to get personal loans through them. Just a suggestion should you need it.

    IDK much about getting a lawyer, maybe @JCbride2015 can provide some insight? Can a public defender take a case like this? Or a pro bono lawyer? I'm not sure where you work, but does your job offer any sort of legal services for employees?
    Is there a family member that maybe you can speak with? Besides his cousin, that is. I think it would be hard asking her for advice on this without her knowing what it is about.
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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
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    Change the locks ASAP. He can go get a key made this afternoon. I wouldn't trust that there aren't extra keys with him or someone else, even if he says he's given you all the keys. Get them changed.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    edited September 2014
    Also, here is a list of all the DV shelters in Ohio.


    ETA: not that I'm saying you should move out and stay there.  But they are good places to show up or call to get a referral for legal help, counseling, whatever else you may need.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Seneca, don't let money be an issue when it comes to legal help.  As JC pointed out, there are resources available to you.  I've been able to hire an attorney before for much less than what he charged normally - there are people out there who will help you! 




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  • SenecafSenecaf member
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    JCbride2015 said:


    Senecaf said:

    You guys. I'm broke. That wedding I had 3 weeks ago. He and I paid for it. All $15000+ of it. Locksmith, sure, I can swing that. Lawyer? No way. His cousin we met at the bar Satuday is in Law school at OSU. Maybe I'll ask her for suggestions on where to go but I don't want to tell her why.

    I mentioned before, I have no friends that are not "our" friends. I'm not sure I want to involve any of them.

    Are you near the Columbus area?  I bet there is a women's shelter and/or domestic abuse organization that can get you a free or cheap lawyer.

    I'm in a suburb. So yea.
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    There are lots of free legal advice hotlines and online forums you can consult too. At the very least to have someone give you a much better list of things you need to do than we could give you here. 

    Like when my dad filed for divorce, his lawyer had him lock up all his guns and give the lawyer the only key in a sealed and dated envelope, so my mom could never try to claim that my dad threatened her with a weapon. Not that the lawyer thought my dad was dangerous, or that my dad thought my mom would ever make an accusation like that, but it was just an added protection that my dad would have NEVER thought of himself.
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  • SenecafSenecaf member
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    Thanks @JCbride2015‌ I'll look at some of these options while I'm at lunch.
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  • mrsmagicgeekmrsmagicgeek member
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    I am so sorry, @Senecaf‌, I can't even imagine what you're going through. PPs have given you excellent advice, I just wanted to offer hugs, thoughts, and prayers.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    I'm so sorry this has happened to you *hugs* I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. There's a lot of advice in this thread and I'm sure it all feels incredibly overwhelming right now. Is there anyone your kids could stay with for the night - maybe stay a a friend's house or with a family member? I just think it might be easier to get the locks changed, go see a doctor, and see what can be done about legal help if you know they are safe somewhere.

    I also think you should talk with someone in real-life. I know you said your friends are also friends with him. But I would hope that if they are good friends, if you confided in them they wouldn't be his friend anymore. It can be so helpful to have someone in real life to stand beside you in this situation. If not a friend, tell a family member. They will be able to do so much more for you than we will.


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    Good luck to you; you're in my prayers.
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  • lc07lc07 member
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    Just wanted to add my voice to the others - I'm so sorry.

    Also, I've met with a business lawyer and a divorce lawyer before who both offered me a free one hour consultation before deciding to move forward with their services or not. You don't want to make mistakes early on here. Definitely call and ask for help. JC, you're awesome for providing all those numbers!
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    @Senecaf
    I'm so happy to see you're taking steps to make yourself and your children safe.

    All I can think about is what would have happened if he had succeeded in running you over with the car?  Your kids would have lost both parents and possibly become part of the 'system'.

    Protect your kids.
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