Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

Cookie Pusher

Senecaf said:

I'm making the "right" choice but I have no idea how it will work. I cannot afford to maintain the household on one income. I took a large paycut back in May in order to have a work/life balance. However I still make too much to qualify for assistance even with 2 dependents. I just checked. So I get a second job. Great. Where do my kids go? Not with their dad right? My mom lives in Montana. I'm in Ohio. My grandma lives less than a mile from me but she is 75 and I don't want to burden her any further. She already takes the kids to school after I go to work and picks them up before H gets off. Who helps them with HW? Who makes dinner? Who takes them to dance? If I take their dad from them ( or we can say he took himself, whatever) I have no replacement and I cannot be that person either. And I end up taking myself out of the picture too. The idea that I could possibly find time for counseling is laughable.

Check out the resources others posted. Those people have dealt with these situations before and can point you in the right direction. I get it, it's hard. But it's the right thing to do.

I grew up in an abusive home. My father used to beat me to the point where my mother had to check to make sure I was still alive. She refused to leave him over it, saying there was nothing she could do since I deserved to be punished for whatever thing I had done wrong (this was all while I was under the age of 7 - how much trouble could I have been getting into?!). She would trot out every excuse in the book on why she couldn't leave him: she'd have no money, she couldn't raise two (eventually three) young children on her own, he wasn't a bad person - the list when on and on.

It took me a long, long time to stop resenting my mother for allowing my father to abuse me. He never raised a hand to her or any of my other siblings - I was always the target of his anger. I was in a few verbally/physically abusive relationships as a teen/young adult - and I stuck around a lot longer than I should have because it was hard for me to wrap my head around a man not using violence. The scars my father left on me were both physical and emotional. It took YEARS to heal them.

My mother did eventually leave him (for reasons not related to the abuse - go figure). She survived. It wasn't easy with three children under the age of 8. Without even a high school diploma, it was hard for her to find work, but she managed (she also never applied for or received any type of government assistance). Her life, and ours, was so much better when the abuse stopped.

Maggie0829

Senecaf said:

I'm making the "right" choice but I have no idea how it will work. I cannot afford to maintain the household on one income. I took a large paycut back in May in order to have a work/life balance. However I still make too much to qualify for assistance even with 2 dependents. I just checked. So I get a second job. Great. Where do my kids go? Not with their dad right? My mom lives in Montana. I'm in Ohio. My grandma lives less than a mile from me but she is 75 and I don't want to burden her any further. She already takes the kids to school after I go to work and picks them up before H gets off. Who helps them with HW? Who makes dinner? Who takes them to dance? If I take their dad from them ( or we can say he took himself, whatever) I have no replacement and I cannot be that person either. And I end up taking myself out of the picture too. The idea that I could possibly find time for counseling is laughable.

Take a few deep, calming breaths.  I know the future seems daunting but take this one step at a time.  The first step is him getting his things and leaving the home.  Then the next step is him getting counseling/help.

Honestly, he needs to help continue to pay for things around the home, mainly for the kids sake. You said his Mom would most likely take him in and I am assuming it will be rent free so as a Father he should be continuing to help support his children which means giving you money to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.

As for the rest, yes it will be hard to figure out, but you really need to take this one day at a time right now.  Don't overwhelm yourself (too much anyways) and just keep reminding yourself that you are making the right decision for yourself and your family.  Unfortunately things will probably get harder before they get easier but they will get easier.  Keep your chin up because when there is a will there is a way.

lc07

The logistics sound like a nightmare. I'm sure this whole thing feels like a nightmare. I used to do volunteer work at a shelter for women and children who were abused. The shelter provided childcare during therapy sessions at no charge (I babysat - I was vetted for this type of volunteering). I know this has got to feel crazy-overwhelming. Maybe write down all of your concerns and ask when you call organizations for help for advice with these things. They help people in your situation every day.

JCbride2015

Yes, as Cookie pointed out, the DV resources can probably help you figure out the logistics, at least in the short term.

And if he is as good a father as you say, he should be falling all over himself to make sure those kids are financially supported, including the roof over their heads.  He shouldn't be making you wait until you get court-ordered support payments; you say he's a good dad, so hopefully he will help voluntarily.

lc07

And remember, just because you don't know how you are going to do this doesn't mean you can't do this. You can.

theartistformerlyknownas

Well you won't be paying for it on your own - you'll have alimony and child support to help with that.

I promise you can find a way through this.

OliveOilsMom

Your current situation is a big reason to go speak with a lawyer and also file a police report.  Having the abuse on record will help you keep your kids away from their dad except for supervised visits, but he will have to give you child support.  Just because you kicked him out doesn't mean he is no longer financially responsible for the kids. 

arrippa

First, I am praying for you. I want to third? fourth? the recommendation to go to Al-Anon.  It's a very useful tool for families and friends of alcoholics. My family is full of them and we found Al-Anon to be so beneficial to us.

The PP's have such good advice for you. I know you are worried about the logistics of being a single mother. But you have to think about your kids. What kind of example are you being to your kids?  Your daughter, that's okay to be hit? Or your son, that it's okay to hit? 

We are here for you. Anytime you need support or advice.

cupcait927

My mom was a single parent a lot when I was a child, due to my dad's alcoholism. He wouldn't work so he couldn't contribute to the household. He was in and out of VA hospitals (he's a Vietnam Vet who suffers from PTSD) so he wasn't there to help take care of us. I don't know how my mom managed to keep it all together but she did. I know that you're worried about your kids and how they'll handle all of this but remember - children are resilient. If they see that they're mom is working hard to take care of them, love them and protect them, they won't remember all the hours you had to work or what you had to do to make it all happen. They'll just remember the love.

LDay2014

Hey, been there as the woman trying to figure it all out.

I wasn't in an abusive relationship but it was still a relationship that didn't work and I had to make the decision to either stay and put up with it or figure out a way to change.

I know it's scary, I knew there would be no child support coming my way.  My kids were 2 and 3 at the time and I knew that I wanted more for them than an absentee father living in the same house.  I took them and left because I knew it was what I needed to do in order to be whole again.

It takes a lot of juggling, and there are resources out there - DO NOT BE AFRAID TO USE THEM.  They're there specifically for this type of situation.  There is low/minimal cost child care, school programs, food programs etc.  They're all designed to be there to give you a leg up when your situation changes so drastically.

Show your kids that you value yourself, that you value them and won't stand for anyone to treat a person the way he did you.

Speak to a shelter, they will have a ton of resources available and can definitely help get you set up but you owe it to your kids and yourself to at least take a break from this relationship while he gets help.

Senecaf

I honestly feel like I am looking at the worst years of my life ahead of me over one night. I know it always starts with one but still. Put yourself in my shoes. I'm not saying I'll let it go. I'm saying it sucks and all the support in the world doesn't pay my bills.

Yeah he will give me money but I don't want to ask. He might be living rent free with his mom. She is renting HIS condo from him so she may make him split the mortgage.

I'm the breadwinner in our household. So alimony? No, probably not. Yes child support but that is a long process.

This will not be better for my children.maybe if it were worse but not as is. They have never seen anything but love between us. We don't argue or drink in front of them. We do fun stuff together all the time. We honestly have this picture perfect life.

My parents got divorced seemingly out of no where and I was confused for years. That is what they will see. I'm not going to tell them why. They will see mom and dad abandoning them and breaking up their home. Not mom sticking up for herself. Yes they are resilient but it will hurt them a lot. And that hurts me.

AprilH81

I'm so sorry you are going through this but be strong and keep yourself and your kids safe.

1) He should be paying child support once you kick him out.  He doesn't get to stop being responsible for his kids.  Get a court order if necessary.

2) Do you attend a church?  They may have some support programs that could help you out financially in the short term.

3) WORST case scenario is that you sell your house and buy something more affordable on one income.  Please do not stay in a relationship just so you can keep your house.  You and the kids will adapt to a new place and it will be free of any memories of him and his anger.

4) Do not be afraid to ask your family for help in the shot term while you figure things out.  Grandma may not  be a long term solution, but let her help out now for your peace of mind.

bethsmiles

I just want to echo all the posters who are urging you to take advantage of the resources that are available. It will still be hard but it doesn't have to be as hard as it would be doing it all alone. All you can do right now is take things one day at a time. You don't need to figure out the next five years, you just need to figure out today and tomorrow you can figure out more.

Cookie Pusher

Senecaf said:

I honestly feel like I am looking at the worst years of my life ahead of me over one night. I know it always starts with one but still. Put yourself in my shoes. I'm not saying I'll let it go. I'm saying it sucks and all the support in the world doesn't pay my bills. Yeah he will give me money but I don't want to ask. He might be living rent free with his mom. She is renting HIS condo from him so she may make him split the mortgage. I'm the breadwinner in our household. So alimony? No, probably not. Yes child support but that is a long process. This will not be better for my children.maybe if it were worse but not as is. They have never seen anything but love between us. We don't argue or drink in front of them. We do fun stuff together all the time. We honestly have this picture perfect life. My parents got divorced seemingly out of no where and I was confused for years. That is what they will see. I'm not going to tell them why. They will see mom and dad abandoning them and breaking up their home. Not mom sticking up for herself. Yes they are resilient but it will hurt them a lot. And that hurts me.

You don't have to tell them the dirty details of what happened, but you do owe it to your children to explain to them that even though Mommy and Daddy love them very much, they would be better off being apart. My younger siblings were too young to know what happened when my parents got divorced but I was old enough to get the gist of it (that they weren't happy together, not the nitty gritty details). They didn't find out until they were much older so they spent years being confused while I was my mom's only cheerleader in rebuilding her life. Kids are smarter than you think they are, but not if you keep them completely in the dark.

JCbride2015

bethsmiles said:

I just want to echo all the posters who are urging you to take advantage of the resources that are available. It will still be hard but it doesn't have to be as hard as it would be doing it all alone. All you can do right now is take things one day at a time. You don't need to figure out the next five years, you just need to figure out today and tomorrow you can figure out more.

This exactly.  I am the same way-- I worry about everything 5, 10, 20 years down the line.  And it's totally counterproductive.

You don't need to make any permanent decisions now.  At all.  Just take it a day at a time right now.  

He's already said he will leave the house.  Great, that's one important thing taken care of.

You've talked to us and your girlfriends about it.  Great, you're starting to process what happened and get some support.  That's another thing taken care of.

You've received concrete information about resources that are available to you.  Great, one more thing checked off.

For your next step, try contacting one or two of those shelters or legal resources.  See what they say.  You are just gathering some information and taking preliminary steps right now.  That's a small step you can take and not think beyond that right now.

Nothing has to be binding or permanent right now.  Today, you don't have to have a plan for the next month or year or five years.  Just figure out today.

Maggie0829

I agree with Cookie Pusher.  You don't need to tell them all that happened but you do owe them an explanation as to why you and your their Dad are no longer together.  You said yourself that you were confused for years, so why would you want to do the same to your children?

LDay2014

Cookie Pusher said:

Senecaf said:

I honestly feel like I am looking at the worst years of my life ahead of me over one night. I know it always starts with one but still. Put yourself in my shoes. I'm not saying I'll let it go. I'm saying it sucks and all the support in the world doesn't pay my bills. Yeah he will give me money but I don't want to ask. He might be living rent free with his mom. She is renting HIS condo from him so she may make him split the mortgage. I'm the breadwinner in our household. So alimony? No, probably not. Yes child support but that is a long process. This will not be better for my children.maybe if it were worse but not as is. They have never seen anything but love between us. We don't argue or drink in front of them. We do fun stuff together all the time. We honestly have this picture perfect life. My parents got divorced seemingly out of no where and I was confused for years. That is what they will see. I'm not going to tell them why. They will see mom and dad abandoning them and breaking up their home. Not mom sticking up for herself. Yes they are resilient but it will hurt them a lot. And that hurts me.

You don't have to tell them the dirty details of what happened, but you do owe it to your children to explain to them that even though Mommy and Daddy love them very much, they would be better off being apart. My younger siblings were too young to know what happened when my parents got divorced but I was old enough to get the gist of it (that they weren't happy together, not the nitty gritty details). They didn't find out until they were much older so they spent years being confused while I was my mom's only cheerleader in rebuilding her life. Kids are smarter than you think they are, but not if you keep them completely in the dark.

SO MUCH THIS.

My girls are 6 & 7 now, and all they know is mommy and daddy just weren't getting a long so well any more.  So, instead of them seeing us fight all the time, we thought everyone would be happier if we lived in different houses.  

It's not up to me to form my children's opinion of their father...I'll leave that to them.  They are happy to go to dad's and happy to come home.  

jdluvr06

I'm late to this and I don't have any additional advice but I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think you are doing the right thing by having him leave. I know the legistics suck but in the long run it will be best. Sending you tons of hugs and prayers.

Senecaf

My mom gave me some explanations about her and my dad not being right and how things will be better. I was 10. I tried really hard to understand but didnt. She did a better job than I know I will be able to do. I was older than my children are now and it was still very hard for me.

Cookie Pusher

Senecaf said:

My mom gave me some explanations about her and my dad not being right and how things will be better. I was 10. I tried really hard to understand but didnt. She did a better job than I know I will be able to do. I was older than my children are now and it was still very hard for me.

Again, those resources PPs gave you will be able to help you discuss the situation with your children. These people have vastly more experience than most of us here have and definitely more than you have. Please reach out to them. All you have to do is ask questions and listen - you don't even have to take any advice they give you, but it won't hurt for you to hear it.

FutureMrsN3312

All of these ladies have given you great advice. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. You WILL get thru this. But please think of this...Did you ever think his violence would escalate from bar fights to hitting his wife? I would hope to god he wouldn't harm the kids but my point is you never know and clearly alcoholism doesn't have boundaries.

mrsmagicgeek

There are also books out there about talking to your kids about parents splitting up (in an age appropriate manner) Something like this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0764131729?cache=9482d420edbc5a92117a300adc40b47e&pi=SX200_QL40&qid=1410207444&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1

I'd bet the women's shelters you call can help you find something.

I was a single parent for 13 years of my daughter's life, and books were my savior when she asked questions I didn't know how to answer.

pinkcow13

As other posters mentioned, children are resilient. They are also very smart, so yes don't keep them completely in the dark because they will be confused. It will be tough, but you don't need to figure out your whole life in one day. You also don't need to feel forced to stay because you haven't figured things out. Chances are that he will work hard himself to ensure that this is an easy transition for your kids. Maybe his mom would even be willing to help out with picking them up from school, etc. , that is if you are comfortable with her watching them knowing that he will also be around. It is not easy dealing with this, or being a single parent, but I know many women who did so. My grandmother raised her 3 kids -including my dad - on her own. She was not even from this country, yet she trekked to this country as a single woman, not knowing the language or culture, with her 3 young kids, to get away from a life of poverty and abuse. She managed to raise a nurse, a doctor, and my father who became a successful businessman, husband, wonderful father. My dad and his siblings did not even have their father in their lives for years as he was not in this country until later on. And my grandfather for many years had no interest in them. He was not a good father. Yet my dad saw the struggles his mom went through and admired her even more for it. In this case it sounds like your H is a good father who will be there for his kids. You'll get through this one way or another. Take things one step at a time.

missdelilah

Wow!  I'm so sorry you've been through this.  Giant hugs!  I hope you come to a resolution that gives you and your children some sense of peace.

[Deleted User]

Senecaf said:

My mom gave me some explanations about her and my dad not being right and how things will be better. I was 10. I tried really hard to understand but didnt. She did a better job than I know I will be able to do. I was older than my children are now and it was still very hard for me.

The alternative is what I dealt with; honest, actual memories of my mom huddled against the kitchen cabinets and my dad looming over her.

Confusion is so much better than that, and I do think that now that he has hit you when drinking, he'll do it again, and one day he'll do it in front of the kids. It took my dad five years of marriage before I saw it with my own eyes, but it happened.

JaxInBlue

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and really respect your decision to put yourself and your children first.  You and they will be better off. 

I agree with PPs that your goals right now should be short term - get yourself to a clinic to document your injury, use the resources available to get the legal process started, and see what types of counseling are available to you and your kids.  Even if you can't start counseling immediately, them having someone to talk to through this might make a world of difference to their mental health.  Depending on your timeline for separation and divorce, and whether or not you want to pursue mediation, having someone who can help your children articulate their thoughts, fears and needs can be important.

Beyond that, focus on what you need to do to begin an independent life - separate your finances, divide up the things you will need in the order term, start attending Alanon.  Your kids will see your example of putting yourself first, and that you are protecting them, which will matter more in the long-run than if they had been parented in a 2-parent home where tempers and flare-ups were a part of life.

My biological parents separated when I was 10; it was definitely hard on me and certainly the financial hit was palpable in the first few years, but it was better to see them happy than to have all the new things.  Plus, as an adult, I figure it was a lot easier for me to survive not having the newest gadget than to be constantly around parents that were at odds. 

The uncertainty can be scary, but you will be better off continuing to put your kids and yourself first.

[Deleted User]

I won't repeat all that's already been said, but you're in my thoughts and prayers.  I have a young child, and can't imagine the struggle you're going through, if my FI were to do the same.

I'm also in Columbus, connect with the Mid-Ohio Food Bank.  Here's a list of all their partner agencies, might give you another good place to start.  There are also lots of churches with food pantries.

http://www.midohiofoodbank.org/img/PDFs/Advocacy-%20County-%20links/2013_Franklin.pdf

Another good resource that offers counseling and legal support.

http://choicescolumbus.org/blog/?page_id=628

Take care of yourself and those beautiful kids first and foremost. Everything else from there will eventually fall into place.  If you want to look for a different job - feel free to PM me.  I'm a recruiter and would be happy to try to get you connected with other local employers, etc.

JennyColada

Senecaf said:

This will not be better for my children.maybe if it were worse but not as is. They have never seen anything but love between us. We don't argue or drink in front of them. We do fun stuff together all the time. We honestly have this picture perfect life. My parents got divorced seemingly out of no where and I was confused for years. That is what they will see. I'm not going to tell them why. They will see mom and dad abandoning them and breaking up their home. Not mom sticking up for herself. Yes they are resilient but it will hurt them a lot. And that hurts me.

You're looking at this totally from the wrong perspective. You're still making decisions and running your thought process based on who he was and who you THOUGHT he was. He is NOT that person, at least not anymore. Is he a bad man? No, most likely not, I'm sure it's a wonderful guy in many aspects. But this should not be the type of risky behavior that you should accept in a partner or in a father to your children.

It's not just about what's better for them right at this very moment, but also about what's better off for them in the future. You have (had?) a "picture perfect life". Fantastic. Now you don't. I'm sorry, but you don't. Things are not the same because HE has changed them. What was good for your children yesterday is no longer good for your children today. You cannot make choices about the future of your partnership based on who he USED to be, that is a moot point and dangerous.

Sure, your children may not understand why mommy left daddy, but do you really WANT them to understand? Do you really WANT to put them in a position where they understand that you're hurting and that daddy is the one who is hurting you?

Kauris

I just want to add my support, I hope you find the right decision for your family, whatever that is. I hope you can all heal. Hugs and prayers and thoughts for you and your family.

themuffinman16

I agree with JennyColada.  It's awful that they will be confused over why mommy and daddy left. But i is far better for them to be confused than to know the situation because they saw it with their own eyes.

 I know this situation is not what you expected it to be, and times will be tough.  Your kids might be upset, but years from now, when your Hs behavior continues (and it will) you won't need to say anything.  They will know that this behavior probably extended to you. All they could possibly do is love you for protecting them, and respecting you for standing up for what you believe in. Hang in there.