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Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

So we moved into out condo the begining of this month and things aren't going so hot already. We're both driving each other nuts and for different reasons. He's immaculately clean. So if I even leave a cup out after I'm finished a drink for more than a few minutes while I'm finishing the rest of a tv show or something, it irritates the bejesus out of him. He's driving me insane cause he wants to know where I am every second of the day and gets upset when I get stuck at school late. There are other small things of course too. It all just keeps piling up. At this point I'm postponing putting the deposit down for our wedding. But at the same time I feel a little trapped cause we both need this condo because of its location, how few are available in the area and that were financially dependent on each other to cover living costs. Ugh.
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Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
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    Moving in together is a huge adjustment and requires some compromise. Can you both come up with a way to compromise in terms of the tidiness of the apartment? For example, as long as you clear your mess at the end of the day, he shouldn't get upset about something being left out for a few minutes. Hue part of him needing to know where you are at all times is disconcerting. Was he always like this,? Do you guys own this condo? And lastly , what is your planned wedding date?
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  • He's military, when he came back he got like this. I think the fact that his friends girlfriend cheated made him paranoid that it could happen to anyone. I recently started the new member process for a sorority and it often involves meetings in the evenings and sometimes late. So he's worried about where I am and who I'm with. 10/15/2016. We rent but are both on the agreement.
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    He's military, when he came back he got like this. I think the fact that his friends girlfriend cheated made him paranoid that it could happen to anyone. I recently started the new member process for a sorority and it often involves meetings in the evenings and sometimes late. So he's worried about where I am and who I'm with. 10/15/2016. We rent but are both on the agreement.
    It's not OK for him to try to control everything you do because his buddy's GF cheated. This is a major red flag that you really need to address before moving forward with wedding planning. It's very, very good that you're holding off on deposits for the time being. He's also going to have to understand that even after your new member period, the sorority is going to take up a massive amount of your time. You will have meetings and mandatory events, in addition to many events that aren't mandatory but that you'll really want to go to. 

    Moving in together takes a huge amount of adjusting and compromise. Leaving a cup out shouldn't be cause for a fight. You need to sit down and have a conversation about what you each expect of the other, and find a way to meet in the middle. 

    Don't stay with someone just because you like your living arrangement. I promise you it doesn't end well (it, uh, took me several tries to learn that). 
    doeydobeharringtonPrettyGirlLostfwtx5815
  • So we moved into out condo the begining of this month and things aren't going so hot already. We're both driving each other nuts and for different reasons. He's immaculately clean. So if I even leave a cup out after I'm finished a drink for more than a few minutes while I'm finishing the rest of a tv show or something, it irritates the bejesus out of him. He's driving me insane cause he wants to know where I am every second of the day and gets upset when I get stuck at school late. There are other small things of course too. It all just keeps piling up. At this point I'm postponing putting the deposit down for our wedding. But at the same time I feel a little trapped cause we both need this condo because of its location, how few are available in the area and that were financially dependent on each other to cover living costs. Ugh.
    Standards of behavior towards loved ones are no different for military families than for civilian ones.  No excuses.  Please postpone your wedding plans until you are absolutely certain you can be happy living with this man!  Remember, being in love is a lousy reason to get married.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
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    edited October 2014
    I can see why he would be upset about his friend getting cheated on, but he needs to realize that just because his friend got cheated on, it doesn't mean that he will too. I think you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart. If you guys are getting married he needs to be able to trust you. If things don't get better soon, couples counseling can be a good option.
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    CMGragainbeharringtonShellD13HaileyDancingbear
  • You may need an adjustment period to get used to each other and figure out some compromises. If the issues seem too big to work out on your own, I've heard from many people that couples counseling works wonders and in many cases is a better option than just ditching the relationship, if you want to make it work.

    Have a serious talk and set some boundaries. You should both make your expectations clear. He needs to have trust in you, above all else. Definitely postpone your wedding until the major issues are worked out.

    And no matter what else is going on, do not stay in a relationship you're unhappy with because of financial issues or living arrangements. I've done that. It did not work well and it did not end well. You deserve to be happy. Best of luck
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Let me preface this by saying that I've lived with many roommates but never with an SO. I think it's normal to have a difficult adjustment period when you first move in with someone. It's how you learn to compromise that matters. Communication and willingness to be flexible (on both of your parts) is the key here.

    With that said, wanting to know where you are all the time is a red flag and definitely something you should talk with him about. I suggest doing this before you go any further with wedding plans, but it doesn't need to be a big, dramatic postponement. You're two years out from your wedding date, you've got plenty of time for that stuff later.

    ETA: So let the wedding stuff sit on the back burner for now while you get used to living with each other and work out the trust issues. I think you should give yourselves time to adjust before you start second-guessing whether you should marry.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, you're still in college so are you 18-22? I would definitely not make any wedding plans right now. If you are already having issues now, it's not going to get better if you get married.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
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    Well the good news is that you have some time before your wedding.  Moving in together is always an adjustment.  So you both get to practice communication and compromise.  Maybe you tell him that you understand he likes a tidy place but you like to leave your cup until you're finished watching a show.  If he understands there is a time that you have planned in the near future to take care of the cup, he might be able to calm down a little.  If you agree to this together and you keep following through, he'll be able to relax and trust you to clear your mess.

    The knowing where you are thing is a bit more serious.  Again, talking to him as PP suggest is the way to go.  Tell him that you trust him when he goes out of the condo and you would like it if he would trust you too.  You are not his buddy's girlfriend.  You could preemptively text him when you're going to be later than planned with what you're doing for a little while to reassure him but he needs to figure out how to trust you.  It's very important and I wish you guys luck.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
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    There is always an adjustment period.   If one is a super cleaner and the other isn't you need to find a compromise.  I have a friend who's husband is like that.  Finally she said he problem is just that.  His problem.  Doesn't mean you are a slob, but you will put the glass away when you get to it.  He either has to get over it's not as soon as he wants or he picks up the glass without issue.

    As far as keeping track of you, again he had to either trust you or not. If he can't then maybe you should not be together.

    Talk to him in a non-conformational way.  Trying to prove your point in the heat of the moment rarely works.  You need to talk to him when both of you are calm.






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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Living together for the the first time is going to be an adjustment. However, you've said some things that are quite concerning.

    I can understand him being upset his friend was cheated on. But that's no excuse to treat you like that. Does he trust you? If I found out my friend's husband cheated on her, it wouldn't make me suspicious of my own husband. I trust him completely. He's never given me a reason to bit trust him. And your relationship is not going to survive without trust.

    Don't ever stay in a relationship because of a living situation. I did that once with an ex, and I ended up miserable and hating life. And it wasn't fair to my ex, for my to stay because the living arrangement was ideal.

    Please seek out some couples counseling before you get married.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Have you lived with roommates or an SO before?

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  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
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    larrygaga said:


    CMGragain said:



    So we moved into out condo the begining of this month and things aren't going so hot already. We're both driving each other nuts and for different reasons. He's immaculately clean. So if I even leave a cup out after I'm finished a drink for more than a few minutes while I'm finishing the rest of a tv show or something, it irritates the bejesus out of him. He's driving me insane cause he wants to know where I am every second of the day and gets upset when I get stuck at school late. There are other small things of course too. It all just keeps piling up. At this point I'm postponing putting the deposit down for our wedding. But at the same time I feel a little trapped cause we both need this condo because of its location, how few are available in the area and that were financially dependent on each other to cover living costs. Ugh.

    Standards of behavior towards loved ones are no different for military families than for civilian ones.  No excuses.  Please postpone your wedding plans until you are absolutely certain you can be happy living with this man!  Remember, being in love is a lousy reason to get married.

    Exactly. You should only marry for money. 

    It's working out great for me so far!

    *goes to order another rum punch*
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  • FI and I definitely had an adjustment period when we moved in together. To be honest, it got pretty ugly before it got really good. We weren't engaged yet when we moved in together though. Still, you got to get used to living with someone else and find a balance you are both comfortable with. If that was your only issue, I would tell you to give it some time. But the whole 'has to know where you are at all times' is definitely cause for concern. Whatever his reasoning, he's definitely insecure and has some trust issues, and you should really focus on addressing that before you plan a wedding.
  • Agree with PPs.  I think postponing is a smart idea, and gives you both a opportunity to explore if you can live together in a way that is productive and happy.  If your FI is just back from deployment, encourage him to make use of transition resources, and definitely consider novella's suggestion of couple's counseling. That third party perspective can be incredibly valuable to sorting out new ways of interacting and developing positive communication strategies.

    I think in the short-term, too, you can try to talk together about new ground rules - ie: what do you both expect in terms of housework from the other, who does lawn stuff, who takes care of the trash, who makes dinner when, etc.  In our first couple of years together, DH and I weren't above writing out a list of chores, dividing them up, and posting the list as a reminder to ourselves; to a certain extent, we each still use an internal chore chart.

    The more concerning part is the monitoring/trust.  I think the a third-party could be really helpful there, particularly if he's projecting the issues he observed in others onto your relationship.  That's not something I would compromise on - he's got to trust you and you've got to be able to focus on school without nagging or prying.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    As a student, you probably have access to very cheap (if not free) counseling through your school. I know my college offered marriage/couples counseling. Look into it. Some of the things you mentioned are just part of adjusting to living with someone but some of it throws up a red flag. It's always better to address these issues sooner rather than later, and having a third-party, objective voice can be very helpful.


    CMGragain
  • The cleaning issue - that's normal enough. You just need to both figure out what works now.

    The rest however. Oh fucking hell NO. I am legally an adult. I am not a grounded teenager who has to report everything to my parents. Yeah, some days DF likes me to call him when I get somewhere or get home because I'm driving in crappy near blizzard conditions. I want him to call me then also. It's sure not daily. That bull shit is step one of domestic violence. What's next, he gets to pick your friends? Fuck that shit sideways with a rusty spork.

    Walk out that door and wave goodbye.
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  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    CMGragain said:
    Bad reasons to get married:  I luuuve him!  He needs me!  He's the only guy I've ever been serious about. I want to have a wedding.

    Good reasons to get married:  We share the same lifetime goal and values, our religions are compatible, he has finished his educational training and we are financially stable, he is mature and trustworthy, he respects my rights as an individual and does not try to dominate or control me.

    Larrygaga, I hope you were being sarcastic.  I did think your comment was funny!
    What about my post makes you think I'm being sarcastic? The only reason I even talked to FI is because of the all money he makes. I need a man to set me up for life. 

    I just think all of your advice is so spot on that I was hoping to model myself after what I imagine you to be.
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    beetheryesstee33VulgarGirlashley8918
  • The cleaning issue - that's normal enough. You just need to both figure out what works now. The rest however. Oh fucking hell NO. I am legally an adult. I am not a grounded teenager who has to report everything to my parents. Yeah, some days DF likes me to call him when I get somewhere or get home because I'm driving in crappy near blizzard conditions. I want him to call me then also. It's sure not daily. That bull shit is step one of domestic violence. What's next, he gets to pick your friends? Fuck that shit sideways with a rusty spork. Walk out that door and wave goodbye.
    Yeah I agree 100% with this. FI and I have been living together for 3+ years now. I get his "quirky" living habits and he gets mine. There was definitely a transition period in the beginning, when we were "getting to know each other". It is one thing to sit across a table with margaritas and nachos and tell each other your hopes and dreams, and it is quite another to be sharing a bathroom and bills and cleaning. I think its normal that there is a getting used to it period.

    However, the extent of our transition period was that. Living together quirks, that you could potentially have with any "new roommate". Although you share a house, it doesn't mean he has the right to keep tabs on you. That is not a quirky transition period issue, that is a major red flag. If you are old enough to live on your own you are old enough to make your own schedules. 

    Was he like this before you moved in with each other? This doesn't seem like something that would spring up because you are now sharing a bed. Were there any signs on controlling behavior before you moving in together?
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  • You guys need to sit down and have a conversation about what each of you needs from this living situation.  My FI and I have been living together since June (engaged since the end of August) and even before we lived together (we were spending most nights together) we would always just check in to see if one of us was working late or had other plans to see if we would get dinner together or whatever.  To us, it's common courtesy to just have a heads up when the other will be home and it works for both of us.  However we dont' hound each other all day long, just give a heads up whenever we can.

    That all being said, have a chat with him.  Explain that just because his friends girlfriend cheated, he can't hold that against you.  If you guys are planning on being together, you have to have a relationship built on mutual trust and if he doesn't trust you, that's the symptom of a much bigger problem.  Figure out what you need to be happy living with him and ask him to do the same.  Don't come at him like you are accusing him all "how dare you ask me where I am all the time" but more of "I've noticed since we moved in you seem much more concerned about XYZ so let's figure out how we can both be happy with this situation."

    If he is unwilling to compromise or even talk to you, then that's a huge red flag.  Moving in together is definitely an adjustment and sometimes people let the crazy out then but they might not even realize it.  It's worth a conversation before everyone starts jumping to conclusions of being controlling and domestic violence and whatnot.  If you have a conversation and he freaks out or nothing changes, that's when you need to start figuring out if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.
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  • raissyraisraissyrais London member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's an adjustment for everyone when you start living together. Remember when you were growing up, in the same house as parents and siblings, you all have our habits and preferences and you take time to understand those. It's the same principle with moving in with anybody else, including your SO. 

    But as other Pps have said, it's not a reason for your FI to go captain Schmitz on your butt. You need to feel your habits and rhythms around each other and make compromises here and there. Also you do have TWO whole years before the wedding, so that's plenty of time to see how compatible you are for one another. If living together does not get any easier after 6 months, then maybe you should reconsider. Cause, trust me, it won't get any easier after marriage and possible kids.

    Smart move on delaying the deposit, cause since you have those two years, I'm guessing a six month wait won't hurt the planning really?
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    I think a little bit of an adjustment period is necessary. Be as open as possible, suggest compromises about cleaning/clutter, and see where that goes.

    As for the "where are you/what are you doing?" thing: I agree with PPs that if this is a suspicious, constant "are you REALLY with the girls" type of haranguing, it is Not Cool and must stop. However, I would just want to throw it out there that sometimes when you've been on your own for a while, coming and going as you please feels normal. But when you live with someone else, it's a good idea to let the other person know that you'll be home around 10, or that the meeting is running long so you'll be late, or that you're gonna grab a drink with your friend after class. Whatever the case may be. I had to enact this with my Fi when we first moved in together, actually--he would sort of roll in late from work, and I'd be pissed because I had cooked dinner/worried about him/etc.

    So I guess I'd just say that if this is a question of the two of you not being on the same page as far as coordinating plans, then you can work that out by discussing what the other person would like--a phone call, a text, a quick conversation in the morning about when you'll each be home. But if it's a question of him questioning your motives for being out or being suspicious of who you're with, then that is another can of worms, for which PPs have given good advice already. 

    Good luck--living together is never as easy as people sometimes imagine, but it definitely gets easier. 
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  • The cleanliness issues do not raise a red flag for me. It's normal to adjust to living together. I about lost my shit on H when we first moved in together before marriage. I had asked him like 3 days in a row to put his dishes in the dishwasher (it's empty, bro!!) and he didn't do it. He didn't clean like I do. He was a wiper, not a cleaner if that makes any sense. 

    Anyway, you'll figure that piece out in time. 

    What raises a red flag for me is his obsession with keeping tabs on you at all times. Trust is a crucial piece of the foundation to a healthy relationship. He obviously does not trust you if he's questioning where you are and getting mad when you have evening meetings (what the actual fuck?). You are absolutely right for holding off on putting deposits down with these issues. These need to be worked out before ANY wedding planning happens.
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  • This sounds very disconcerting.  Since you are in college, I imagine you should have no trouble finding another young person to be a roommate if you need to move out but can't afford your own place.  Do not stay just for an apartment.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    It honestly took like, years for H and I to adjust to living together. We had different standards of clean. We needed to understand what the other person wanted vs. what we wanted and reach a compromise. Do I still feel slightly stabby when I see a 10 foot laundry pile of his? Sure, but NBD. That sort of thing will be worked out with time, patience and communication on both sides. 

    Like PPs, the needing to know where you are 24/7 concerns me. That's not adjusting to living together, that's control and lack of trust. That needs to be addressed ASAP.
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  • ShellD13ShellD13 Can't get there from here member
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    FI at the time and I struggled with him wanting to know where I was constantly at first.  His ex-wife did cheat on him and because I'd been single the majority of my adult life I really wasn't use to keeping ANYONE apprised of my whereabouts unless I was traveling OOT for an extended period of time.

    We had a long discussion and we talked about trust and about my need to be more communicative - in our case we both had issues we needed to address.  Now he doesn't need to know where I am every minute or even every hour but I generally try to check in if my plans are taking me too far off of schedule.  He does the same.  It works for us.

    But I would caution you that moving in with a SO is a HUGE adjustment.  As PP's suggested, I would talk to him about the trust issue because that is a red flag but the other issues may just need time for you guys to figure out how to share a space.
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