Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

beethery

levioosa said:

I'm getting the feeling that this whole thread is going to be pointless.  

Already is.

We've given excellent advice and insight. I've been in her situation, and I made excuses too. Took me a while, but I wised up. She'll get to a last straw point, clarity will hit her like a brick to the forehead, and hopefully, she'll make the right choice for herself, and mosey.

If not, there's nothing we can do to help her.

levioosa

beethery said:

levioosa said:

I'm getting the feeling that this whole thread is going to be pointless.  

Already is.

We've given excellent advice and insight. I've been in her situation, and I made excuses too. Took me a while, but I wised up. She'll get to a last straw point, clarity will hit her like a brick to the forehead, and hopefully, she'll make the right choice for herself, and mosey.

If not, there's nothing we can do to help her.

SITB:

Same.  At 21 I was in a relationship that should have ended...it dragged on for nearly three more years.  I hope she figures it out eventually.  

daria24

OP, what you write hurts my head. You've basically said "I just have to stick it out for three more months, then I get 6 months alone! Wee!" You stick out a job you hate in order to pay your bills. You stick out a roommate because you have 3 months left on your lease and it isn't worth the hassle. You stick out a class you hate because there are 4 weeks left in the semester and you've gone this far, might as well suck it up.

You don't stick it out in a committed relationship just to get to X date. It truly isn't worth it in the end. You DESERVE to be happy. You and your FI. The truth is, you just don't make each other happy. You (hopefully) have a very long life ahead of you. 50+ years with a man you stayed with just because your other (immediate) prospects weren't any better is not a road that leads to happiness. 

I am from rural PA. I was with my high school boyfriend until I was 21. The dating pool was shallower than a Hello Kitty blow up pool. I clung to that relationship, even after it went south, for a good solid 6 months because I was terrified of starting over. He wasn't a bad guy, we just had grown up into very different people than who we were before, and didn't know how to acknowledge that. When we broke up, honestly all I felt was relief. I had felt trapped into a very specific future and all of a sudden I could do anything. I could move anywhere after graduating, I didn't have to keep him in mind with that decision. Freedom can be scary but it is also so liberating.

holyguacamole79

Hey OP, I'm not sure if you're still around.

I "started over" relationship wise at 30.  I had been with a man I was convinced I was going to marry.  I ignored the red flags the whole time we were together. 

I met my husband when I was 32 and we got married 10 months later.  We're incredibly happy.  You don't have to have it all figured out at 21.  Being single in your 20s is AWESOME.

hellosweetie1015

OP - my sister had to turn her phone off to enjoy her 21st birthday. Her long-distance "fiance" (in quotes because I *think* they called it off again?) would not let her enjoy a night out with her friends - ALL OF WHOM ARE PEOPLE HE KNOWS. I have told her 1000000000000000000 times that he is not good for her and I'm not okay with the way he treats her. 

If she called it off now? Never in 1000000000000000000 years would I tell her I told her so. If she calls it off 20 years from now? Never in 1000000000000000000 years would I tell her I told her so. That's not what she would need. Your family wouldn't either, I suspect - they'd support you and love on you and not give you crap for sticking with an asshole for a billion billion times too long. 

I know this is a lot - but I want you to know that ALL of these ladies are trying to help you see. If you do see yourself running around a yard with your FI as your husband and y'all's kids, then that's fantastic. (I think I'd address the fact that you are not his buddy's girlfriend, and you ARE going to have mixers, and he's NOT going to tell you you can't go.)

If your husband and the father of your kids in that future is just whoever will stand there long enough, I think you need to do some growing up before you settle down. Time could change, and that vision could be much more firm - and it could STILL BE YOUR FI. But if it's not, will you want to stick with him, or will you want to be with that fuzzy, half-seen dude of your dreams?

ETA: Look, ma! Magical shrinking font!

LabLove86

hellosweetie1015 said: OP - my sister had to turn her phone off to enjoy her 21st birthday. Her long-distance "fiance" (in quotes because I *think* they called it off again?) would not let her enjoy a night out with her friends - ALL OF WHOM ARE PEOPLE HE KNOWS. I have told her 1000000000000000000 times that he is not good for her and I'm not okay with the way he treats her. 
If she called it off now? Never in 1000000000000000000 years would I tell her I told her so. If she calls it off 20 years from now? Never in 1000000000000000000 years would I tell her I told her so. That's not what she would need. Your family wouldn't either, I suspect - they'd support you and love on you and not give you crap for sticking with an asshole for a billion billion times too long. 
I know this is a lot - but I want you to know that ALL of these ladies are trying to help you see. If you do see yourself running around a yard with your FI as your husband and y'all's kids, then that's fantastic. (I think I'd address the fact that you are not his buddy's girlfriend, and you ARE going to have mixers, and he's NOT going to tell you you can't go.)
If your husband and the father of your kids in that future is just whoever will stand there long enough, I think you need to do some growing up before you settle down. Time could change, and that vision could be much more firm - and it could STILL BE YOUR FI. But if it's not, will you want to stick with him, or will you want to be with that fuzzy, half-seen dude of your dreams?
ETA: Look, ma! Magical shrinking font! Yup - I've gotta say that I was on the opposite side of this. I was the one who KNEW I was going to get the I told you so's!!! But when I finally ended things with controlling BF #2, know what I got? Support. And a TON of it. No I told you so's, no condescending remarks about staying too long, no BS. Strictly support. And OP - I think that you would get the same thing.

mrsamandalynn

MyNameIsNot said:

The fact that you went from engaged, ending a relationship, meeting another guy, and engaged to the new guy in just over a year at a young age is a huge red flag, IMHO.  

There's nothing wrong with having multiple engagements, but it sounds like you jumped right from one super committed relationship into another.  What's wrong with being single for a little bit?  I suspect this has something to do with the paranoia from your family.

Let it be known this is my ONLY engagement.

sarawifenow

mrsamandalynn said:

The fact that you went from engaged, ending a relationship, meeting another guy, and engaged to the new guy in just over a year at a young age is a huge red flag, IMHO.  

There's nothing wrong with having multiple engagements, but it sounds like you jumped right from one super committed relationship into another.  What's wrong with being single for a little bit?  I suspect this has something to do with the paranoia from your family.

Let it be known this is my ONLY engagement.

This is seriously all you are focusing on? Did you even read the advice people gave?

lacqueredlover

mrsamandalynn said:

The fact that you went from engaged, ending a relationship, meeting another guy, and engaged to the new guy in just over a year at a young age is a huge red flag, IMHO.  

There's nothing wrong with having multiple engagements, but it sounds like you jumped right from one super committed relationship into another.  What's wrong with being single for a little bit?  I suspect this has something to do with the paranoia from your family.

Let it be known this is my ONLY engagement.

Why is this what you focus on?  Focus on the actual problem here.

mrsamandalynn

I read it word for for. But a couple of posters now have been talking about my multiple jumps from serious relationships to another. That's never happened.

sarawifenow

mrsamandalynn said:

It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.

This is where I got it from.

hellosweetie1015

sarawifenow said:

mrsamandalynn said:

The fact that you went from engaged, ending a relationship, meeting another guy, and engaged to the new guy in just over a year at a young age is a huge red flag, IMHO.  

There's nothing wrong with having multiple engagements, but it sounds like you jumped right from one super committed relationship into another.  What's wrong with being single for a little bit?  I suspect this has something to do with the paranoia from your family.

Let it be known this is my ONLY engagement.

This is seriously all you are focusing on? Did you even read the advice people gave?

I actually think it's worth mentioning a second time, since it was brought up not long after the first.

Do focus on the other advice, though, OP. More than one engagement is generally not an issue - FI's been engaged before. There are bigger red flags than a prior engagement.

KatieinBkln

sarawifenow said:

mrsamandalynn said:

It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.

This is where I got it from.

Yyyyyyupppp! Even if you didn't accept, OP, I feel like usually people don't propose when the relationship isn't serious? I don't know, maybe the guy last January was nuts and jumping the gun and you were totally shocked, but that's not usually the case, is all. Whether it's multiple engagements or just multiple serious relationships, I think people are just saying that while it might be scary, it could be worthwhile to be single for a hot second.

mrsamandalynn

What I was trying to say was he himself is different from the way he acted in January when he proposed and I said yes.

hellosweetie1015

KatieinBkln said:

sarawifenow said:

mrsamandalynn said:

It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.

This is where I got it from.

Yyyyyyupppp! Even if you didn't accept, OP, I feel like usually people don't propose when the relationship isn't serious? I don't know, maybe the guy last January was nuts and jumping the gun and you were totally shocked, but that's not usually the case, is all. Whether it's multiple engagements or just multiple serious relationships, I think people are just saying that while it might be scary, it could be worthwhile to be single for a hot second.

YALL. HER FI PROPOSED IN JANUARY. Her counter says he proposed 10 months ago. that's January.

daria24

KatieinBkln said:

sarawifenow said:

mrsamandalynn said:

It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.

This is where I got it from.

Yyyyyyupppp! Even if you didn't accept, OP, I feel like usually people don't propose when the relationship isn't serious? I don't know, maybe the guy last January was nuts and jumping the gun and you were totally shocked, but that's not usually the case, is all. Whether it's multiple engagements or just multiple serious relationships, I think people are just saying that while it might be scary, it could be worthwhile to be single for a hot second.

I believe by "the man who proposed last January" OP means her current FI, and how he was behaving back then. Now he is a changed person that she no longer recognizes. She would have happily married January version of FI, but October version sucks balls.

KatieinBkln

mrsamandalynn said:

What I was trying to say was he himself is different from the way he acted in January when he proposed and I said yes.

D'oh! My bad. Reading comprehension fail!

But you're smart to be noticing that he's different than he was when he proposed and you accepted. That's your gut talking to you. Listen to it.

VulgarGirl

mrsamandalynn said:

What I was trying to say was he himself is different from the way he acted in January when he proposed and I said yes.

So what you're saying is in less then a year his behavior has radically changed? And that that change took place after making a huge commiment? And this doesn't sound alarm bells for you?

I get it, you want to be a wife and a mother. That's great. But you've got time to be a wife and a mother. Just going along with the guy you're currently with because 1) he's here, 2) he pays the rent, 3) he doesn't hit you, 4) there aren't a lot of other guys, 5) you think your family will say they told you so, are not good reasons to become his wife and a mother to his children. 

Lets say you marry him in...2 years. Ok so you'll be 23. You said he was 25 now, so he'll be 27 right? And then lets say you guys wait a year to get pregnant and then we'll add on another year for gestation. So ok you're 25, he's 29. You're a wife and a mother. Now what? The house is fucking mess, because kids are a fucking mess. Maybe you have to work late hours at the office. How is he handling this stress? These giant fucking life changes? Because it sounds like he doesn't react very well to change. 

Also I want you to remember some advice my step-mom gave me. A relationship should enhance your life, not complete it. 

levioosa

Did I read that your fiance was overseas and just got out of the military?  And now he's acting wayyy different?  Because that heavily suggests PTSD to me.  My ex had PTSD.  It's not the reason we broke up, but his inability to deal with it and get help was a big part of it.  Seriously, if this is the case, he needs help--professional help.  YOU CANNOT HELP HIM.  

ETA: That even if he doesn't have PTSD, something has changed, and radically, and that is not okay.  These are huge red flags for a reason.  

novella1186

OP, I think you know something is very wrong here. And maybe you're not ready yet to face some hard facts, but sooner or later you'll realize what you need to do. I just sincerely hope that you take your own happiness into consideration and ultimately do what's right for YOU regardless of what your family or your guy or what anyone else thinks or says. Stop being scared of things that MIGHT happen, like they MIGHT say I told you so, or your MIGHT not find another good guy to date right away. Those things are silly. What you should be more scared of is wasting far too much time in a bad relationship. 

sarawifenow

mrsamandalynn said:

What I was trying to say was he himself is different from the way he acted in January when he proposed and I said yes.

Ohhhh thanks for clearing that up. I still stand by that you need to get out of this relationship.

mrsamandalynn

Here's the timeline-

2011-Sept2013- life is fine and dandy

Sept'13-Dec'13- away with military very little to no communication

2weeks Christmas leave- happy & proposal

Jan14-March14- away, slightly more commutation though

April'14-Now- slow decline, he's become more concerned in where I'm at and what I'm doings. I don't think he realized what my daily lifestyle entailed until we lived together. He didn't always realize that I was out late because he wasn't waiting at home alone for me.

levioosa

mrsamandalynn said:

Here's the timeline- 2011-Sept2013- life is fine and dandy Sept'13-Dec'13- away with military very little to no communication 2weeks Christmas leave- happy & proposal Jan14-March14- away, slightly more commutation though April'14-Now- slow decline, he's become more concerned in where I'm at and what I'm doings. I don't think he realized what my daily lifestyle entailed until we lived together. He didn't always realize that I was out late because he wasn't waiting at home alone for me.

It still doesn't matter if you were out late or not.  Short of being involved in activities that compromise your safety, he shouldn't care if you're at the library until midnight, home, or out at a club with your girlfriends.  

I know being on leave is like a high.  He has to adjust to civilian life, and it doesn't exactly sound like he's doing a great job at that. But he can't be taking it out on you.  

holyguacamole79

MagicInk said:

A relationship should enhance your life, not complete it. 

holyguacamole79

mrsamandalynn said:

Here's the timeline- 2011-Sept2013- life is fine and dandy Sept'13-Dec'13- away with military very little to no communication 2weeks Christmas leave- happy & proposal Jan14-March14- away, slightly more commutation though April'14-Now- slow decline, he's become more concerned in where I'm at and what I'm doings. I don't think he realized what my daily lifestyle entailed until we lived together. He didn't always realize that I was out late because he wasn't waiting at home alone for me.

And so what if you're out late?

A girlfriend and I went out to the movies on Tuesday night.  She and I stopped at a wine bar afterwards for a bit to chat, so we were home about 30 minutes later than we had originally expected.

How would your FI have reacted? 

mrsamandalynn

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

AddieCake

Do you even want advice, or did you just post to vent? Because I agree there are a lot of excuses in your responses.

levioosa

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Yes you can.  It's not shackled to you.

mrsamandalynn

I just think about how I'd feel if he had done it to me. It's really overwhelming.

sarawifenow

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Don't you think it would be worse to prolong it and then divorce him? I am hearing a lot of things from you...you wanting to be with your FI is not one of them.