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Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

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Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He pays my entire rent actually, but that's besides the point. I see it more like his attempt to be protective than controlling. Things aren't perfect but I also don't think they're as bad as some of you are thinking. He makes me laugh and we have a good time going out together. He is by no means my worst enemy, which is how some of you make it sound. There's a lot to lose and a lot to gain from this and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that decision right now. 
    This just worries me even more. Making you laugh and having a good time going out together are not qualities that make a life-long partner, and it doesn't make the other bad behavior less bad just because there are some good things too. 

    These are things I would say about a boyfriend when I was 15. If I had to post positive things about my FI or our relationship now, I could write a fucking novel about it. 
    That's exactly what I was going to say. When I met my ex-husband when I was 19, I said that he was the one for me because he made me laugh and we had fun. He was a nice guy. I'm sure he still is. He still was a shitty partner, and boy am I glad I divorced him. 
    novella1186
  • It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.
    Woah, you need to slow down and listen to what you are saying.  You are trying to rationalize staying in a relationship that isn't healthy, or benefiting you in any way.  

    Let me tell you, I get it.  I fucking get it.  When my relationship of six years ended, it was like my heart had been ripped out.  I felt like I had lost my whole future, my family, my friends.  I did everything with my ex's family.  We were so close.  But it wasn't good, it wasn't a healthy relationship, and I am so happy now.  I'm not sure we ever would have divorced, but I do know that I would have been absolutely miserable in that marriage, and that I am a much stronger, better person for going through the process of breaking up.  

    As far as the dating pool goes?  You are so young.  There is so much for you to do that doesn't involve dating.  Be you.  Grow and find your strength and independence.  You've been with this guy since you were a teenager.  You have a lot to learn about yourself.  

    And just don't go out with those types of guys.  Simple.  There are good guys out there who will treat you wonderfully AND be a great partner.  Don't settle for someone who manipulates you.


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  • Simky906Simky906 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014

    Look OP, none of us are saying this will be easy. When I was 20, I broke up with my bf of 2 years. I had nearly broken up with him 6 months earlier because, despite the fact that he was a good, smart guy, I was unhappy with our relationship. We started looking a rings about a month before I broke things off because he was nice guy, I didn't want to hurt him and I was scared. In the end, I was miserable and I also realized I wasn't being fair to my BF.

    Well, starting over was hard, I won't pretend otherwise. I lost nearly all my friends because they had been 'his' first. But I starting dating my now DH just 2 months later and I made new friends, who are frankly much better than my old friends. That's the great thing about being in school, so many opportunities to meet new people.

    I'm also concerned that you're focused so much on how the last guy who flirted with you was so terrible. That doesn't mean that every person out there is terrible. I'm sure there is someone out there who is the right person for you. Know that you are deserving of happiness. 

    sarawifenow
  • It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.
    So you'd rather stay with someone who is controlling just because one man was a douche?

    I mean, some people meet the love of their lives at 19. Or 7. Or 28. Or 35. Or 48. Or 70. Just because it's convenient doesn't mean you should have to stick it out. Talk with him and give HIM an ultimatum - cut the controlling crap on your outie. You shouldn't have to tolerate his BS because HE'S insecure. As long as you are communicating regularly and aren't blowing him off, he has no reason to constantly check up on you or get mad when you don't respond after you've told him you're busy.

    It is scary - you've spent about a quarter of your life with him -BUT that doesn't mean that he deserves the rest of it. Remember YOU came on HERE to tell us this stuff - what compelled you? Something obviously did! And the fact that you just said things are about to get interesting worries me.  Take a long hard think about it. PPs have given wonderful advice (except the one who said LOL). Think about it, OP. Please?


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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.
    I really think you need to take some time ALONE. No man at all. It's totally fine to not be partnered up with someone. Just figure yourself out. Because this sounds like you are legitimentally just wanting to marry someone. Anyone. I mean so long as they don't want to kill you which is good, that's a good step. But...there's no reason to rush into marriage just because. Marriage isn't going anywhere.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. And who's to say something better will come of this? Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life.


    OP, I completely understand. I have been there. I was with my high school bf for 7 years. We lived together far away from our families. We had the same friends. He was a decent guy but not a great guy. I could have married him and life would have been probably okay.

     And one day he dumped me. I honestly thought I was never going to recover. It was like getting a mini divorce. We had to split assets, furniture. I had to move back home. Friends pick sides. For a long time it sucked.

    But now, I wake up evey morning and thank him for dumping me. I wasnt strong enough to walk away. I was too comfortable. I didnt want to rock the boat. But now I am married to an amazing man and have a cute little baby.

    Be stronger than I was and walk away. Life with him might not be bad, but is it good?

    I think the fact that you are counting down the days until he is deployed speaks volumes.

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  • l9il9i Ohio member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    It's just sucky because by this point everything's really intertwined. His family and extended family love me, we share so many mutual friends, we met through friends after all. A whole lot of worrying about everyone else and nothing about what YOU want.  There's gonna be an awful "I told you so" lash back and I know it. Our society is starting to shame young women who chose to get engaged young, and this isn't helping. I don't recall people saying you were too young to marry only that you're not too old to start over.  I got married on the young side at 23 and I am incredibly confident in that decision, I never once second guessed that choice and neither did any friends or family.  There is nothing wrong with getting married young if that is what's right for you and both parties are mature and understand the comitment.  I could've happily married the man who proposed to me last January, but things have changed. At this point in your life people change, it's normal.  I married the person I was with at age 18 and we are now both different people than what we were then.  We've changed but we have changed together and with each other. If you don't handle or address changes (good or bad it happens to everyone) this is where the problem lies and people wake up "this isn't the man I married, they've changed" - of course they have!  Communicate - now!  And who's to say something better will come of this? Who's to say something better won't?  Cause the last man who flirted with me made a joke about killing me and tossing my body in a basement freezer. I really don't need that kinda winner in my life. There are billions of people in this world.  If one guy makes a bad joke I think your odds are still good.

  • I go to a very small agricultural school, the dating pool around here is "interesting" to say the least. I got more crap from people I think because my mother didn't finish college because she married my dad and got pregnant soon after. I'll be the first woman to graduate college in my family, so they're all really wound up about that.
  • Yeah be single for a minute.  what's wrong with that?  I was solidly single from 21-24.  It was awesome.  I had a blast, I met a ton of awesome people.  Then I settled down with the nicest guy in the world.  We moved in after a year together.  Then we lived together for another 2.5 years.  And I realized that I would never be happy married to him when he started talking about getting engaged.  And yes, breaking up when you live together can be hard and messy but you know what?  That's life.  Life is not always sunshine and rainbows and easy.  Sometime it fucking sucks.  But, you move on.  You heal.  You realize there are literally billions of people on this planet and settling for something less than what you want out of life would be a real tragedy.
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    esstee33chibiyui
  • I go to a very small agricultural school, the dating pool around here is "interesting" to say the least. I got more crap from people I think because my mother didn't finish college because she married my dad and got pregnant soon after. I'll be the first woman to graduate college in my family, so they're all really wound up about that.

    I get that the dating pool may not be awesome but this also won't be the dating pool you're restricted to for the rest of your life. You may finish school and move someplace else before you meet someone else. And that's okay. Being single can be very fun and liberating and help you figure out what you do want in a long term partner.

    Also, I think it's awesome that you'll be the first woman in your family to graduate from college! Not sure why you're getting crap about that just because your mom didn't finish.

    bellaluna290novella1186chibiyui
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I go to a very small agricultural school, the dating pool around here is "interesting" to say the least. I got more crap from people I think because my mother didn't finish college because she married my dad and got pregnant soon after. I'll be the first woman to graduate college in my family, so they're all really wound up about that.
    I am confused about this. Who is giving you crap and what are they gving you crap about? Breaking up with your fi? Graduating college? Your mom ?
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  • I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.
  • I go to a very small agricultural school, the dating pool around here is "interesting" to say the least. I got more crap from people I think because my mother didn't finish college because she married my dad and got pregnant soon after. I'll be the first woman to graduate college in my family, so they're all really wound up about that.
    There is no rule that you have to be with the person you will spend your life with at 21.  There is no rule that you have to find someone in college to date.  Focus on school.  Focus on friends.  Focus on your sorority.  Guess what, if you dont' like the people you are meeting, simply do not date them.
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  • I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.

    Ok, gotcha. I'm guessing this makes you more reluctant to break things off because doing so will make it seem like you're proving the doubters right. And you're bracing yourself for a storm of 'I told you so' that you really don't want to hear. (Though please correct me if I'm jumping to conclusions here.)

    I get that. 'I told you so' comments can really hurt. But that will hurt much less then letting this relationship drag on when you are not happy.

    KatieinBklnnovella1186chibiyui
  • l9il9i Ohio member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.

    Why was this not your first sign?!?!  If you're friends and family aren't thrilled to the moon it could be because they see something you don't....
  • edited June 2015
  • KatWAG said:



    I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.
    Maybe that is because your family realizes how controlling your fi is and that worries them.


    None of this started then.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    l9i said:
    I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.

    Why was this not your first sign?!?!  If you're friends and family aren't thrilled to the moon it could be because they see something you don't....
    Exactly. 
  • l9i said:



    I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.


    Why was this not your first sign?!?!  If you're friends and family aren't thrilled to the moon it could be because they see something you don't....

    All of my friends were thrilled besides one. My family's just paranoid about college and me losing the great health insurance I have through my dad.
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    The more posts I read from you, OP, the worse your situation sounds.

     

    You said you were proposed to before, correct? I would assume that means you were in a serious relationship before your FI. You were able to move on from that. Why wouldn't you be able to move on from this?

     

    Also, I always tell my girlfriends who are in shitty relationships that if you are at the point where you are thinking of what it would be like to date other people, where you would meet new people, who you'll wind up with, etc, then your relationship is probably over.

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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Generally, when your closest friends and family voice concern/doubts, it is a valid thing.  Unless your family is completely insane, they are probably just worried, which, based on everything you have said, they should be.  

    My Mom constantly said stuff like,"When you go to college you'll meet a great guy.  Ex doesn't treat you right.  You won't be happy, etc."  I was so upset that she would say things like that, especially when we had already been together for years.  You know what?  When we broke up, there was WAAAY less judgment than I expected.  Everyone was 100% there for me and willing to help me move on and grow.  Don't use your family as a cop-out for not doing what needs to be done.  


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    sarawifenowPrettyGirlLostthemuffinman16
  • This is my first engagement. Sorry for the confusion.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I go to a very small agricultural school, the dating pool around here is "interesting" to say the least. I got more crap from people I think because my mother didn't finish college because she married my dad and got pregnant soon after. I'll be the first woman to graduate college in my family, so they're all really wound up about that.
    You don't have to jump into a new relationship. You have to get out of a shitty one. 
    I announced my engagement and it was hardly accepted as a happy thing. I was almost instantly asked if I was waiting till after graduation.
    Maybe that is because your family realizes how controlling your fi is and that worries them.
    None of this started then.
    So nobody was ok with his treatment of you even before you got engaged? I am not surprised.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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