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Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

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Re: Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MagicInk said:
    FI and I were 19 when we moved in together. It was an adjustment. The cleaning thing, the orgnaizing thing (I don't clean but fuck do I love to organize), my sleeping issues (I don't), her need to plan everything out seriously I do not know what my plans are for the week on Thursday we're lucky if I know them by noon on Saturday and why the fuck do we need to plan our damn weekend! 

    Now we did have problems with her wanting to know where I was and then deciding I was probably dead in a ditch somewhere. This was less "If you're spending time with other people I'm mad", actually not less, not that at all. It was "You said you were gonna go to the studio and paint this afternoon and you'd be back around 6pm and now it's 3am and no one has heard from you and I'm pretty sure you're dead somewhere" concern not control. Also as part of the whole sleeping issue I'd sometimes get up at like 1am and go for a drive, but I wouldn't tell her, so at 3 she'd wake up to go to the bathroom and I wasn't there and she feared I'd been kidnapped. 

    I learned to call, to leave notes, and she became less worried about my demise.

    But being a control freak because his friend's girlfriend cheated on said friend, boy needs to back the fuck off.



    SITB:

    Ditto MagicInk.  There's a huge difference between being aware of your partner's whereabouts for safety and being controlling.  I almost always tell SO where I'm going/going to be for the day, not because he demands it, but because if I go missing he's going to be the first to know and call for help.  I want him to be able to say "She was going hiking this afternoon.  We should check there first."  He's more than happy when I get to hang out with my friends, but he checks to make sure I'm okay if it's been more than an hour or two and I'm still not home when I said I would be (mostly because I'm usually very punctual).

    The difference is, of course, that he has never once made me feel dominated, irritated, or doubtful.  Those things are red flags.  Your FI (OP) needs to get over being suspicious of you just because his buddy's GF cheated.  You aren't her.  If he can't differentiate between two completely different people, then he needs help.  Good call on holding the deposits until you figure things out.

    As far as the living situation goes, I think it's just an adjustment period.  Compromise and communication will go a long way.  

    If the red flag continues to be an issue you should reevaluate the relationship, because it isn't what is best for you.  You do not have to pay for someone else's fuck up.    


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  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    larrygaga said:
    CMGragain said:
    So we moved into out condo the begining of this month and things aren't going so hot already. We're both driving each other nuts and for different reasons. He's immaculately clean. So if I even leave a cup out after I'm finished a drink for more than a few minutes while I'm finishing the rest of a tv show or something, it irritates the bejesus out of him. He's driving me insane cause he wants to know where I am every second of the day and gets upset when I get stuck at school late. There are other small things of course too. It all just keeps piling up. At this point I'm postponing putting the deposit down for our wedding. But at the same time I feel a little trapped cause we both need this condo because of its location, how few are available in the area and that were financially dependent on each other to cover living costs. Ugh.
    Standards of behavior towards loved ones are no different for military families than for civilian ones.  No excuses.  Please postpone your wedding plans until you are absolutely certain you can be happy living with this man!  Remember, being in love is a lousy reason to get married.
    Exactly. You should only marry for money. 


    My mom always told me that it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man.  So, why not find a filthy rich man that you can marry for love? 

     

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    larrygaga
  • I'm the OP-

    I'm 21, just taking forever to finish my degree because I'm working my way through college. I still have 1 1/2-2yrs to go at this point (with good behavior lol). I've been with him since I was 17. I contemplated taking a break this summer, but he essentially told me that either we're together or we're done. So I decided to just stick it out for now. We moved in together this fall to make life easier on me when it came to commuting to campus (10 min from our place).

    This week has been a little rough on us because in addition to all this nonsense, he lost his job Monday. So something tells me this is about to get really interesting. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm the OP-

    I'm 21, just taking forever to finish my degree because I'm working my way through college. I still have 1 1/2-2yrs to go at this point (with good behavior lol). I've been with him since I was 17. I contemplated taking a break this summer, but he essentially told me that either we're together or we're done. So I decided to just stick it out for now. We moved in together this fall to make life easier on me when it came to commuting to campus (10 min from our place).

    This week has been a little rough on us because in addition to all this nonsense, he lost his job Monday. So something tells me this is about to get really interesting. 
    Yeah, I just see more red flags. He basically manipulated you into staying with him. That's emotionally abusive behavior. When I think of being engaged and being in an emotionally healthy relationship, "sticking it out" is not a phrase that comes to mind, you know?
    Yeah...this happened with my ex.  We were together nearly six years, from when he was 17 (I was 18), so I totally understand feeling like you are established/need to work through it, but this doesn't sound healthy.   Everyone has rough patches, but this sounds like it goes deeper, plus there's the added manipulation component.  


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  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm the OP-

    I'm 21, just taking forever to finish my degree because I'm working my way through college. I still have 1 1/2-2yrs to go at this point (with good behavior lol). I've been with him since I was 17. I contemplated taking a break this summer, but he essentially told me that either we're together or we're done. So I decided to just stick it out for now. We moved in together this fall to make life easier on me when it came to commuting to campus (10 min from our place).

    This week has been a little rough on us because in addition to all this nonsense, he lost his job Monday. So something tells me this is about to get really interesting. 
    So you weren't sure if you wanted to be with him and he gave you an ultimatum??? Oh, sweetie, that is not OK. Please be very careful if you're going to stay with him, because his behavior is super concerning. Ultimatums are very manipulative. 
  • He's 25 and i think the idea of starting over completely overwhelms him. He bought my ring a year into us dating, spent a year paying it off then gave it to me, just about 2 years into our relationship. So he looks at that timeline and sees himself not getting married until hes like 30ish which I know bothers him. He wants the ideal wife, house, kids life and is a lifestyle eager. I'm also terrified about the concept of starting over. 
  • I'm the OP-

    I'm 21, just taking forever to finish my degree because I'm working my way through college. I still have 1 1/2-2yrs to go at this point (with good behavior lol). I've been with him since I was 17. I contemplated taking a break this summer, but he essentially told me that either we're together or we're done. So I decided to just stick it out for now. We moved in together this fall to make life easier on me when it came to commuting to campus (10 min from our place).

    This week has been a little rough on us because in addition to all this nonsense, he lost his job Monday. So something tells me this is about to get really interesting. 
    The bolded concerns me, OP. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame him for telling you what his boundaries are--I, too, would most likely say "you're in or you're out" if someone wanted to take a break from me--but it does worry me that you seemed to say, "Welp, okay then, if the alternative is being alone I'll just stick with a partner who is giving me so many doubts that I considered a split."

    You aren't wrong for staying, necessarily, but the two of you seemed to have completely bypassed the conversation about what was wrong. He's allowed to say "in or out," but he's not allowed to shut down discussion about problems, know what I mean?
    QFT.

    I really hope you think about everything that everyone has said here. It really does sound like you are sticking with this guy out of convinience, and not out of love and wanting a future together.
    Anniversary
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    He's 25 and i think the idea of starting over completely overwhelms him. He bought my ring a year into us dating, spent a year paying it off then gave it to me, just about 2 years into our relationship. So he looks at that timeline and sees himself not getting married until hes like 30ish which I know bothers him. He wants the ideal wife, house, kids life and is a lifestyle eager. I'm also terrified about the concept of starting over. 
    Is this what YOU want? Do YOU want to clean his house and raise his kids and check in with him every minute of every day to satisfy his controlling jealousy?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    sarawifenowPrettyGirlLostchibiyuimego2708
  • BTW I "started over" again at 27 and am at 29 engaged to the love of my life.  (and I had finally realized at that point that I wanted to date a 'man' and not a 'guy' and we have an awesome relationship.)  He "started over" at 36 after divorcing his college sweetheart and 2 kids later because they were both miserably unhappy with each other and met me and couldn't be happier.  
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    esstee33mego2708
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    He's 25 and i think the idea of starting over completely overwhelms him. He bought my ring a year into us dating, spent a year paying it off then gave it to me, just about 2 years into our relationship. So he looks at that timeline and sees himself not getting married until hes like 30ish which I know bothers him. He wants the ideal wife, house, kids life and is a lifestyle eager. I'm also terrified about the concept of starting over. 
    Starting over would be better than staying in a crappy relationship that doesn't make you happy. You deserve to be in a relationship where you aren't just "sticking it out." And, I don't really think that starting over is the right way to look at it. You have learned from this relationship, you will grow from it, how you handle this will impact who you become. You can't just delete it and start over, it will always be a part of your story but if you aren't happy you need to move on to the next chapter.
    QFT. Breaking up wouldn't mean starting over at zero and having to do All the Things over again. It IS a scary prospect, and that's real. But it's also okay. If you do break up, then you will have a hell of a lot of knowledge about what does and doesn't work for you.

    And plenty of PPs have said this already and said it better, but that seems to be what's missing here--what YOU want. It isn't selfish to know what that is, and it isn't selfish to know what your deal-breakers are. Your Fi certainly doesn't seem to be spending nights awake worrying about whether asking for what he wants is selfish, or a burden to you. Imagine the power you'd have if you could demand what YOU want with the ease that he does. How would your life be different? How would your relationship be different? 
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    He's 25 and i think the idea of starting over completely overwhelms him. He bought my ring a year into us dating, spent a year paying it off then gave it to me, just about 2 years into our relationship. So he looks at that timeline and sees himself not getting married until hes like 30ish which I know bothers him. He wants the ideal wife, house, kids life and is a lifestyle eager. I'm also terrified about the concept of starting over. 
    So you told us what he wants. What do you want?

    It is never to late to start over. FI and I broke up at 24. Yea, I was scared, and the thought of starting over scared me, but it was the best decision for us at the time. If it's meant to be, you guys may start over again together. Sometimes you do need a break, and you need to focus on yourselves as individuals, and you need to grow as a person. It really sounds like he needs to do some growing of his own based on what you have told us.

    Maybe you will get back together, and will be more mature and stronger for it. Maybe you won't. And that is not a bad thing, either. But please do not stay with him because you feel that you have to, and that it is what's convenient.
                                 Anniversary
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  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Lots of red flags here.

    Be 21 and have a fun life you love. If that is with you FI, great. If not, you should find someone else you can be happy with.
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    PrettyGirlLost
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