Moved in with the fiancé and things aren't going great

PrettyGirlLost

mrsamandalynn said:

What I was trying to say was he himself is different from the way he acted in January when he proposed and I said yes.

People typically don't actually change that radically. The controlling, abusive behavior is usually always there even at the beginning of the relationship, it just manifests itself gradually over time.

KatieinBkln

@mrsamandalynn I just want to say that I'm glad you've been sticking around. It's hard to hear hard things, and even harder to hear them from SO MANY people. Good on you for staying and talking it through.

I'm glad you're looking into other housing options. Please keep sticking around.

zitiqueen

mrsamandalynn said:

He's military, when he came back he got like this. I think the fact that his friends girlfriend cheated made him paranoid that it could happen to anyone. I recently started the new member process for a sorority and it often involves meetings in the evenings and sometimes late. So he's worried about where I am and who I'm with. 10/15/2016. We rent but are both on the agreement.

Does this mean you are wanting to join a sorority, or does it mean you're already a member of the sorority and you're on the new member committee? If it's the former, do you think he would actually let you join a sorority? Based on what you're written, I have a hard time seeing that happening.

esstee33

zitiqueen said:

mrsamandalynn said:

He's military, when he came back he got like this. I think the fact that his friends girlfriend cheated made him paranoid that it could happen to anyone. I recently started the new member process for a sorority and it often involves meetings in the evenings and sometimes late. So he's worried about where I am and who I'm with. 10/15/2016. We rent but are both on the agreement.

Does this mean you are wanting to join a sorority, or does it mean you're already a member of the sorority and you're on the new member committee? If it's the former, do you think he would actually let you join a sorority? Based on what you're written, I have a hard time seeing that happening.

I'd like clarification on this, also. I assumed it meant she had gone through recruitment and was now pledging, so pre-initiation. 

I can't imagine how he's going to deal with mixers, or philanthropy events with frats. What happens if he's away while there's a formal? Will she just not be allowed to go if he can't go with her? And what of the live-in requirement? I don't know about OP's campus, but almost every sorority on my campus required at least 2 semesters of living in the house. 

Honestly, the sorority might be the easiest ticket out of this for her, now that I think of it. If her group has a live-in requirement, maybe she could live in the house starting in the Spring semester? Or even if it's not required to live in the house, there may be a spot open for her. 

AddieCake

In agree he is going to constantly be asking questions and pouting about where you are and what you are doing if you are joining a sorority.

mrsamandalynn

Ohh he hates the sorority. You don't just magically join a sorority on my campus. There's a list of step. You go to rush events, if they like you you get an invite to closed rush events. If they still want you you get offered a "bid". You either accept or decline your bid. Accepting the bid starts an 8wk process of an initiation. For us it's 3-4 days a week, few hours at a clip. At the end if I've adequately fulfilled their standards I will be inducted in a ceremony. Unfortunately we do not have a sorority house/row. We're too small of a campus.

beethery

mrsamandalynn said:

Ohh he hates the sorority. You don't just magically join a sorority on my campus. There's a list of step. You go to rush events, if they like you you get an invite to closed rush events. If they still want you you get offered a "bid". You either accept or decline your bid. Accepting the bid starts an 8wk process of an initiation. For us it's 3-4 days a week, few hours at a clip. At the end if I've adequately fulfilled their standards I will be inducted in a ceremony. Unfortunately we do not have a sorority house/row. We're too small of a campus.

So basically he hates anything you do that doesn't involve him. He must hate that you deign to leave the house.

holyguacamole79

mrsamandalynn said:

Ohh he hates the sorority. You don't just magically join a sorority on my campus. There's a list of step. You go to rush events, if they like you you get an invite to closed rush events. If they still want you you get offered a "bid". You either accept or decline your bid. Accepting the bid starts an 8wk process of an initiation. For us it's 3-4 days a week, few hours at a clip. At the end if I've adequately fulfilled their standards I will be inducted in a ceremony. Unfortunately we do not have a sorority house/row. We're too small of a campus.

That's how most sororities work. Why does he hate it?

AddieCake

Yeah, most sororities work that way. I don't understand how you intend to make this work while joining a social group he doesn't like. Why would you join it against his wishes, and if you are on opposite sides of this, how was this supposed to work?

[Deleted User]

esstee33

mrsamandalynn said:

Ohh he hates the sorority. You don't just magically join a sorority on my campus. There's a list of step. You go to rush events, if they like you you get an invite to closed rush events. If they still want you you get offered a "bid". You either accept or decline your bid. Accepting the bid starts an 8wk process of an initiation. For us it's 3-4 days a week, few hours at a clip. At the end if I've adequately fulfilled their standards I will be inducted in a ceremony. Unfortunately we do not have a sorority house/row. We're too small of a campus.

Yeah, that's a very typical process to join a sorority. Since you guys don't have a house, I'd bet money lots of sisters go in together to rent one. Can you put out feelers about renting a place with some of your pledge class?

theycallmelinz

I finally read through this whole thread, and I don't think I have any advice to add that will help you make the right decision (which I feel like is leaving). You've gotten great advice here, and just know that you can use us as a resource. PPs have even given you a guideline of what to say when/if you end things.

It hurts my heart that you can't even join a sorority and make friends without him feeling threatened. I guarantee if you stay with him, you'll end up quitting the sorority.

zitiqueen

It sounds like you want to be a college student and he wants you to be a wife.

larrygaga

mrsamandalynn said:

He pays my entire rent actually, but that's besides the point. I see it more like his attempt to be protective than controlling. Things aren't perfect but I also don't think they're as bad as some of you are thinking. He makes me laugh and we have a good time going out together. He is by no means my worst enemy, which is how some of you make it sound. There's a lot to lose and a lot to gain from this and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that decision right now. 

What the butt is he protecting you from???? This ain't twilight, there isn't much danger out there that a man can handle better than a woman. 

What is there waiting to kill you, a goddamn dragon? Pick up your own sword and slay that beast yourself, you don't need a man for that. 

phira

Listen, I'm here to tell you some things.

It is normal to join a sorority. It's even normal to want to join a sorority. And it's also normal to be in a relationship with someone while you're in the process of joining a sorority or wanting to join a sorority.

It's normal to be a college student. It's normal to want to do normal college student things. And it's normal to be in a relationship with someone while you're out there, being a college student.

When someone in a relationship says, "I'm not happy with this; I need things to change," the normal, healthy response is, "Lets talk about why you're unhappy and try to make things work."

The way that your fiancé is reacting to these very, very normal, acceptable behaviors and needs is, without any question, inappropriate at best and abusive at worst.

I believe that you love him. I believe that there are times that are happy where you're happy. I believe that there are things about him that are things that are characteristics of the ideal partner for you.

But these are things that are not exclusive to your fiancé. There are other people out there that will make you happy. There are other people out there with those brilliant, wonderful characteristics that you need in a partner. And those other people will be supportive and caring and not controlling.

You say you think he's protecting you, but I've got to challenge you: protect you from what? And even then, this "protection" isn't something that's making you feel loved. It's not that you should feel loved. It's that you don't, so it's not good behavior for him to display with regards to your wants and needs.

If finances weren't an issue--if you had somewhere to stay, and financially, you could live without him--what would you do?

southernbelle0915

larrygaga said:

mrsamandalynn said:

He pays my entire rent actually, but that's besides the point. I see it more like his attempt to be protective than controlling. Things aren't perfect but I also don't think they're as bad as some of you are thinking. He makes me laugh and we have a good time going out together. He is by no means my worst enemy, which is how some of you make it sound. There's a lot to lose and a lot to gain from this and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that decision right now. 

What the butt is he protecting you from???? This ain't twilight, there isn't much danger out there that a man can handle better than a woman. 

What is there waiting to kill you, a goddamn dragon? Pick up your own sword and slay that beast yourself, you don't need a man for that. 

QFT

mrsdee15

phira said:

Listen, I'm here to tell you some things.

It is normal to join a sorority. It's even normal to want to join a sorority. And it's also normal to be in a relationship with someone while you're in the process of joining a sorority or wanting to join a sorority.

It's normal to be a college student. It's normal to want to do normal college student things. And it's normal to be in a relationship with someone while you're out there, being a college student.

When someone in a relationship says, "I'm not happy with this; I need things to change," the normal, healthy response is, "Lets talk about why you're unhappy and try to make things work."

The way that your fiancé is reacting to these very, very normal, acceptable behaviors and needs is, without any question, inappropriate at best and abusive at worst.

I believe that you love him. I believe that there are times that are happy where you're happy. I believe that there are things about him that are things that are characteristics of the ideal partner for you.

But these are things that are not exclusive to your fiancé. There are other people out there that will make you happy. There are other people out there with those brilliant, wonderful characteristics that you need in a partner. And those other people will be supportive and caring and not controlling.

You say you think he's protecting you, but I've got to challenge you: protect you from what? And even then, this "protection" isn't something that's making you feel loved. It's not that you should feel loved. It's that you don't, so it's not good behavior for him to display with regards to your wants and needs.

If finances weren't an issue--if you had somewhere to stay, and financially, you could live without him--what would you do?

All of this.  I have been through some really similar situations, and was questioning if I should respond, but in the off chance it helps, I guess I will.

First, about the thing where he's upset you're joining a sorority:  I had a boyfriend from high school carry over into my first year of college.  He was great, we had fun, but when I got to college he got really controlling - What was I doing?  Who was I with?  When would I come see him?  And then I pledged a sorority.  He guilt tripped me for every event I went to with a fraternity.  I tried to introduce him to my fraternity and sorority friends to show him there was nothing wrong, but it just made things worse.  He would mope and blame me for his unhappiness.  So I broke up with him.  I'm not saying this would happen to you, but for the next two years, every single day he told me I ruined his life, I was a slut for going on dates, and would tell other people I'd never met that I was awful and promiscuous and someone that should be avoided.  One time he showed up at my dorm and guilted me into sex.  It was that bad.  The thing that made him stop was my going abroad for a semester.  Please don't go through what I went through with someone like that.  I was in therapy for years, and I still have nightmares about him.  I'm getting a security guard for our wedding because he would just show up at parties I was at, or that we had at our house, uninvited and without being given the address.  Not that he would ever find out about it, but I just need that peace of mind still, 10 years later.

Second, about the starting over: When I was 23 I started dating a guy I eventually was engaged to.  He started out great (again).  But it was weird, when I started law school, I started making my own friends, and was extremely successful.  I was top of my class, and achieving a lot.  When I told him, almost in tears because I was so excited, that I was being published, all he said was "well, you do a lot well, so I just don't get excited."  That wasn't all.  I would try everything to make him find me attractive.  I knew he had a thing about shoes so I tried all kinds of shoes (it sounds NUTS because it is).  When I brought home new clothes or shoes, all he would say is "I don't like that."  I am naturally blond but dyed my hair dark red (it was RAD), know what he said?  "I still think it would look better dark."  It got to the point where my friends couldn't take him anymore.  I either had to see them or him.  I kept hoping he would come around.  The kicker was when my friends and the two of us went to Catalina for a weekend.  We all went out to a little club, and were having a great time, and he was pouting in the corner.  I asked him, please, for me, try to just have fun.  His response was that he didn't like it so he wouldn't have fun and he wasn't going to try. 

We were engaged.  I had a ring.  I had a dress.  Thankfully nothing else.  Because fuck him.  I broke up with him.  It took three sessions of me telling him no, we were not staying together.  I already had a bag packed and left to my parents.  When I came back three days later, my condo was in shambles.  I cried while sitting on the floor, not because I was sad he left but because I was terrified.  I was 26 at the time, starting over as you call it.  Now I'm 29, and engaged to the love of my life.  Leaving someone who is like that is not the end.  You're not starting over, you're living.  It's hard, yes.  But so worth it.

I was convinced I would never marry when I broke up with him, no one would ever want me.  The first guy that hit on me was a beyond drunk guy at a bar who proposed every time he saw me.  He didn't remember we'd met around six times.  After we left the club I got upset thinking it would all be like that.  It wasn't, and it won't be for you either.  And then in some weird twist of fate a guy at my law school I thought didn't know I existed asked me to drinks to talk about the last Harry Potter movie.  And now we're getting married next year.  You don't know what will happen, but I can promise you, it's better than what you're going through now.

Also, being single is kind of fun.  I learned a ton about myself in that time.  I like being a home body and going to bed early.  I like suspenseful movies and trivia nights with friends.  I like going to an impromptu happy hour and beer/wine tastings.  These sound so trivial, but honestly my ex would not do these things and I had no idea.  You'll be amazed what you learn.

Finally, and please don't think I'm saying this to scare you, I'm saying it out of concern.  I had a very close friend deal with a boyfriend who came back from deployment with PTSD.  Without getting into it (it's not my story to tell), she almost lost her life.  If you have the slightest inkling that something is wrong, especially if you decide to end the relationship, I would suggest letting someone know what you're doing so they can check on you.

I don't know you personally, or your situation.  But I hate seeing someone go through what I went through.  If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

ETA:  A sorority sister of mine went through a bad break-up.  I saw that you said there aren't sorority houses, but I'd be amazed if a sister wouldn't help you out for a bit with somewhere to stay.

esstee33

mrsdee15 said:

 You don't know what will happen, but I can promise you, it's better than what you're going through now.

SO MUCH THIS. 

phira

@mrsdee15

mrsdee15

right back at ya @phira!

lacqueredlover

mrsamandalynn you know what I haven't seen you say once?  "I love my fiance.  I think he will be an amazing husband, partner, friend and father and I can't wait to marry him."

You're making excuses for his behavior and excuses as to why you have to stay.  Not one word about being excited for a future with him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  That speaks volumes to me.

You can keep making excuses until you are blue in the face and until you are married and miserable.  Or, you can make a hard choice, figure out what you actually want, and implement that no matter how hard it might be.  But the choice is yours.  Only you have the power to decide what happens in  your own life.

theycallmelinz

lacqueredlovermrsamandalynn you know what I haven't seen you say once?  "I love my fiance.  I think he will be an amazing husband, partner, friend and father and I can't wait to marry him."
You're making excuses for his behavior and excuses as to why you have to stay.  Not one word about being excited for a future with him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  That speaks volumes to me.
You can keep making excuses until you are blue in the face and until you are married and miserable.  Or, you can make a hard choice, figure out what you actually want, and implement that no matter how hard it might be.  But the choice is yours.  Only you have the power to decide what happens in  your own life. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
I second this, I was actually going to post the exact same thing. A few months ago I posted on here when FI and I were having a tough time. I got a lot of great advice that was really tough for me to hear. Generally, the advice was that I needed to leave. However, I wrote back that I love FI and I wasn't ready to give up on us yet, and I felt like we could work it out, because I was to blame for some of the problems we had just as much as he was. So I took (some) of the advice and had a long talk/argument with FI about what I needed and wanted and honestly things have been amazing since then. We're actually communicating instead of screaming. 

The difference I think here is that you aren't responding with, "But I love him and he's a good man and I'm not ready to give up", you're saying "but he pays the rent and his family would be disappointed and I don't want to hear I told you so"

Sweetheart, those are not reasons to stay in a relationship. Do you have any friends you can talk to about this? I'm positive they would say the same things we are.

ETF: Boxes?

mrsamandalynn

He's great with kids, he rides horses like I do so he's never given me a hard time for the amount of time I devote to horses (which is insane). I so have a things for a man in uniform. He and I both want a family and ideally a farm. He's not all bad, I swear. I almost feel like I'm not even in my own body nowadays. Like everything feels so detached and distant. It's bizzare I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's cause we're stressed and pretty much are zombies who sleep in the same bed, but haven't had sex in awhile. I just don't know.

bethsmiles

mrsamandalynn said:

He's great with kids, he rides horses like I do so he's never given me a hard time for the amount of time I devote to horses (which is insane). I so have a things for a man in uniform. He and I both want a family and ideally a farm. He's not all bad, I swear. I almost feel like I'm not even in my own body nowadays. Like everything feels so detached and distant. It's bizzare I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's cause we're stressed and pretty much are zombies who sleep in the same bed, but haven't had sex in awhile. I just don't know.

There are plenty of guys who are great with kids and want a family. A lot of those guys aren't controlling assholes instead they respect you enough to understand that you have hobbies/interests that are separate from theirs and that's okay, so even if he doesn't ride horses it doesn't mean you have to stop.

What you just described could be replaced with 100 different guys so why stay with one that doesn't make you happy?

lyndausvi

I'm an old fart who thinks too many couples just throw in the towel without trying to work it out.  Seriously, I think in general we have become a selfish me-me-me society and just move on without trying.

You are not one of those couples though.   I'm all for better or worse and your story makes me want to cry.  Dating and engagements allow you to weed out the bad matches. That is actually the purpose of dating and being engaged.   You can be committed but still have time to stop short of the marriage.  While it might be embarrassing, it's what dating and engagements are about.  It's okay to say it's not right before you say  "till death do you apart."

You are young, cut your loses and move on.  You will thank me later.

ETA - drinking wine and knotting not a good thing.

mrsdee15

mrsamandalynn said:

He's great with kids, he rides horses like I do so he's never given me a hard time for the amount of time I devote to horses (which is insane). I so have a things for a man in uniform. He and I both want a family and ideally a farm. He's not all bad, I swear. I almost feel like I'm not even in my own body nowadays. Like everything feels so detached and distant. It's bizzare I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's cause we're stressed and pretty much are zombies who sleep in the same bed, but haven't had sex in awhile. I just don't know.

I've erased like six different replies to this.

The bolded is the biggest sign of your real feelings and the status of your relationship, in my honest opinion.  Sometimes in a relationship we can get more or less numb.  It's why my previous engagement lasted so long - after a while I was so used to it that it just... was.  I remember thinking that no other relationship would ever be better, so I may as well get used to it.  But that's not a good thing, to be so detached.  Your decision is yours, ultimately, but just think about what it really means that you're not even married and already you feel detached from the relationship.  For me, it was like being utterly alone even though I was around my ex.  That's not a normal feeling for a healthy relationship.  What is that going to be like in a year (I can tell you - still bad)?  Five years?  When you're 70?  Can you really say you want to be in that sort of a detached relationship for the rest of your life? 

Also, lack of sex can be a sign (though not always).  It can also be affected by things like medications, birth control, stress, so many things.  But, and sorry if this is TMI, by the time I broke up with my ex, I think it had been nearly six months since we had sex.  Some nights we barely spoke to each other.  It started to feel like we were roommates instead of an engaged couple.  

I'm not saying that your FI doesn't have good qualities - I'm sure he does.  No one is all good or all bad.  But I am positive there are a whole lot of guys out there that like horses and want a farm and a family, and would be thrilled to date you.  More than being thrilled to date you, they'd want to be equally caring and supportive to you.   You deserve better than this.

I meant to say this earlier but forgot, but I don't think your family or friends would ever say "I told you so."  I had friends consistently asking me "are you sure you're happy?" in less than nice words, but when it happened, all anyone told me was how strong they thought I was.  No one said anything remotely like "I told you so."  That's a cruel thing for someone to say. 

Everyone takes their own time to come to this sort of a decision.  In all of this though, you're still not saying things like "I really love him."  And if you're engaged to someone, the answer really shouldn't be "I just don't know."  If you're going to be someone's forever lobster, you know.  

zitiqueen

mrsamandalynn said:

He's great with kids, he rides horses like I do so he's never given me a hard time for the amount of time I devote to horses (which is insane). I so have a things for a man in uniform. He and I both want a family and ideally a farm. He's not all bad, I swear. I almost feel like I'm not even in my own body nowadays. Like everything feels so detached and distant. It's bizzare I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's cause we're stressed and pretty much are zombies who sleep in the same bed, but haven't had sex in awhile. I just don't know.

And you continue to not say "I love him" or "I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together." I think your gut is stopping you from saying those things because your gut knows it's not true. TRUST YOUR GUT.

lacqueredlover

mrsamandalynn said:

He's great with kids, he rides horses like I do so he's never given me a hard time for the amount of time I devote to horses (which is insane). I so have a things for a man in uniform. He and I both want a family and ideally a farm. He's not all bad, I swear. I almost feel like I'm not even in my own body nowadays. Like everything feels so detached and distant. It's bizzare I can't really explain it. I don't know if it's cause we're stressed and pretty much are zombies who sleep in the same bed, but haven't had sex in awhile. I just don't know.

So he's good with kids (that aren't his own so he isn't controlling of them that we know of), has ONE hobby in common with you so he allows you time to do that ONE hobby that you BOTH enjoy and you think it's sexy to bang a guy who wears a uniform.  And you both want a family (like a large percentage of the population) and maybe one day a farm (considering you go to agricultural school and presumably live in an agricultural area, probably most people around there do.)  Um,....

Yeah you still haven't said "I love him, I can't imagine my life without him.  He's my best friend.  he's a wonderful partner.  He would make a fantastic husband.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him."

It's like beating a dead horse at this point.  You're too afraid to be alone and to find out what you actually want other than what has been comfortable since you were in high school.  We can't help you if you are not willing to help yourself.  If you're willing to settle, have someone else make your decision or keep tabs on you constantly, and forgo sex for "awhile" because you guys are unhappy, well that's your choice.  I just know that I value myself and my happiness more than that to ever be in that kind of situation and I would hope you do too.

ohannabelle

mrsamandalynn said:

I feel like I can't just hand him the ring back and just say "sorry, this isn't gonna work". I don't even know where to start.

Your engagement should be one of the most blissfully happy times of your life. Walking on air, madly in love, excited to begin the rest of your lives together.

You don't have that. 

If you marry this man, you won't have it. Things will get worse. You're giving up on your future, your life, and your chance at genuine happiness. 

Neither of you are even vaguely ready for marriage. End it now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

ShellD13

novella1186 said:

I "started over" at 23, met the love of my life at 25, and now I'm getting married at 28. I don't feel like I waited too long or that I'm too old. Realistically I'm still really young and have plenty of years left to have kids and raise them if that's what we decide to do. 

Starting over at 23 was fun, exciting, a little bit scary, and really awesome. I got to make the life I want and become the person I wanted to be, and in hindsight I still had a lot of growing up to do. If I had married the guy I was with back then instead of starting over, I know beyond any doubt that we'd be divorced right now and it would have been a terrible mess. 

Now I'm with a guy who's so wonderful and amazing, and we're so happy in our trusting, healthy, solid relationship that sometimes I wonder if this is even real. 

You can do it too. 

Just to add to the starting over theme...

I started over at 22 (my former FI was 7 years older than me and wanted everything that you mention your FI wanting - he was also very controlling).  I took the next 14 years to LIVE my life and get my head straight.  Met the love of my life when I was 36 and we got married just after my 39th birthday.  You are NEVER too young or old - to figure out what makes you happy and how you want to spend the rest of your life.  Life is too short to be in an unhappy/controlling/abusive relationship just because you are afraid of starting over.