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needing to get married soon. wwyd

needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
10 Comments First Anniversary
in Chit Chat
Back story. I have a child from a previous relationship. My fiance and I planned on hi. Adopting my son after we get married next year. It takes a year after being married to start the process.

Long story short. We need to get married now so he can adopt my son for my son's safety. We have a little over a year until our wedding but we booked the place witg a $1000 nonrefundable deposit and a few other places booked already due to the time of the year for the wedding.

I know it's kind of frowned upon having a big wedding after you get legally married before your wedding. I still want the experience and to have that special moment. We honestly don't want a jop ceremony which is why we started planning our wedding and already invested a good amount into it.

Now idk what I should do.
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Re: needing to get married soon. wwyd

  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    needsadvice22 said:

    Back story. I have a child from a previous relationship. My fiance and I planned on hi. Adopting my son after we get married next year. It takes a year after being married to start the process.

    Long story short. We need to get married now so he can adopt my son for my son's safety. We have a little over a year until our wedding but we booked the place witg a $1000 nonrefundable deposit and a few other places booked already due to the time of the year for the wedding.

    I know it's kind of frowned upon having a big wedding after you get legally married before your wedding. I still want the experience and to have that special moment. We honestly don't want a jop ceremony which is why we started planning our wedding and already invested a good amount into it.

    Now idk what I should do.

    Looks like you're having a JOP wedding.

    You can either forgo your deposits or perhaps you can use the deposits/vendors to have a party in a year to celebrate your son's adoption or your marriage? Either way, it won't be a wedding. So no huge white dress, bridal party etc. I'm sorry your circumstances are what they are, but you'll be married. You don't get two weddings because of whatever crappy thing is going. Crappy things happen to millions of us.

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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
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    edited March 2015
    needsadvice22 said:

    Back story. I have a child from a previous relationship. My fiance and I planned on hi. Adopting my son after we get married next year. It takes a year after being married to start the process.

    Long story short. We need to get married now so he can adopt my son for my son's safety. We have a little over a year until our wedding but we booked the place witg a $1000 nonrefundable deposit and a few other places booked already due to the time of the year for the wedding.

    I know it's kind of frowned upon having a big wedding after you get legally married before your wedding. I still want the experience and to have that special moment. We honestly don't want a jop ceremony which is why we started planning our wedding and already invested a good amount into it.

    Now idk what I should do.



    If you are truly concerned with your son's safety, and you will have to be married for one year before you can legally adopt him, I would say have either a small wedding, (it can be done in a short amount of time) or go to jop and then later on have a vow renewal with your soon to be husband.  You shouldn't have a wedding reenactment later because that is just silly.

    ETA:  By later on I mean 5 or 10 years down the road for a vow renewal.

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  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Ditto PP's- instead of a wedding reception, just use the venue for a kick-ass Celebration of Marriage.  You can still have a huge party- food, dancing, booze- just no dress, no bridesmaids, etc.

    Win/Win- you get married now (that is the most special part, remember that), your son is safe, and you get a fun party later.
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
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  • Couggal12Couggal12 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    A JOP wedding can still be an amazing and special moment. In that moment you become husband and wife. You don't need a big party for that.  

    If you need to get married for your son's safety that should trump any big wedding. I know it will be hard to lose your deposit but, it sounds like you can't delay the process any longer. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    There is nothing un-special about a JOP wedding. Wherever, whenever I pledged my future to my H would have been my "special moment." Walking down the aisle in a big fancy dress with mile long falsies on was my AW moment. There's a big difference. Ain't nothin' wrong with wanting both, but grown-up decisions come with grown-up consequences, and sometimes those consequences are that you can't have both.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Please explain how your son's safety is at stake? Also, ditto PPs, if your son is really in danger, the last thing you should be worrying about it a big fancy wedding.
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
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    I guess I don't really understand the urgency of his safety since you still have to wait a year until after you are married. 

    Regardless, you have two options: 
    1. Wait and have the wedding you were originally planning
    2. Get married at JOP and plan a celebration party later that's not a wedding
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If it were me, I would have my JOP wedding now.  Cancel the plans you already made, eating the deposit.  You will probably need the money you would have spent on your party for legal fees. 

    In the state of NJ, the other bio parent needs to officially sign off on the adoption.  Are you sure the bio dad will just allow this adoption to take place or will he fight you on it?  You will need a lawyer and potentially an investigator to find the bio dad.  Both of these will be very costly.

    I hope everything works out for you.

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?

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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    sarawifenow said:

    Please explain how your son's safety is at stake? Also, ditto PPs, if your son is really in danger, the last thing you should be worrying about it a big fancy wedding.

    This??
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If you are concerned about your son's safety, go to the police. Get an order of protection. If he is truly in danger, your FI being able to adopt him a year from now is not the solution. Can you provide more information? For what reason exactly are you concerned? Why do you think that adoption a year from now will solve your problem.

    Also, where did the 1 year requirement come from? Less than 1 month after being married, we started adoption proceedings for my H to adopt my children. Does this differ by state? Are you certain that this is the requirement? I honestly don't know anything about this.
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    littlepep said:

    I guess I don't really understand the urgency of his safety since you still have to wait a year until after you are married. 


    Regardless, you have two options: 
    1. Wait and have the wedding you were originally planning
    2. Get married at JOP and plan a celebration party later that's not a wedding
    I explained it in one of my replies. In PA, you have to be married for a year to adopt a child from a previous relationship. The PFA is up in May of 2016. I really don't have to go into too many details but I can't renew the pfa but threats were made before.
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  • flutteringinflflutteringinfl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    In that case, other PP's have given you good advice. If your story is true, then it still doesn't give you a pass to have a PPD. Have a JOP wedding now and a nice party later.

    If it's not true, not saying it's not, but if it isn't, then it's one of the more bizarre attempts to "teach" us that PPD's are okay.

    I'm cynical today.
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  • redoryxredoryx member
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    needsadvice22 said:

    littlepep said:

    I guess I don't really understand the urgency of his safety since you still have to wait a year until after you are married. 


    Regardless, you have two options: 
    1. Wait and have the wedding you were originally planning
    2. Get married at JOP and plan a celebration party later that's not a wedding
    I explained it in one of my replies. In PA, you have to be married for a year to adopt a child from a previous relationship. The PFA is up in May of 2016. I really don't have to go into too many details but I can't renew the pfa but threats were made before.
    How is getting married and having your new H adopt your son going to solve this issue? Has the birth father surrendered his parental rights? 
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Maybe I am dense, but what is a PFA?

     

    And I'm sorry, but I am calling bullshit that the police won't do anything is someone tries to kill someone else.

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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
    I'm still extremely confused as to how adoption will keep your son safe. 
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).




    This.  I personally am having a celebration of marriage party, the reason I didn't suggest it for you is because from your OP it sounded like you wanted a big wedding type thing.  I think it would be best to plan a wedding to the best of your ability in your new timeframe, because I think that's what you really want.  If you don't feel like you can do that, then you need to suck it up and go to JOP and do either a vow renewal 5 or 10 years later, or a celebration of marriage party afterwords if you don't want to eat the $1000 you've already put down. Just keep in mind if you go the JOP route, you do not get a reenactment (PPD) later.

     

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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.



    I could see this being the case if you were trying to terminate the parental rights of both parents, but I don't believe this since you are still in the picture. You are his guardian. You can't tell me that PA requires there to be two legal guardians at all times.

    I don't think you have a clear legal picture here.

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