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needing to get married soon. wwyd

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Re: needing to get married soon. wwyd

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    mikenbergermikenberger member
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    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
    image

    Nope. Nope.

    Good luck, OP. I hope everything turns out okay.

    image
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    needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    sarawifenow said:

    Maybe I am dense, but what is a PFA?

     

    And I'm sorry, but I am calling bullshit that the police won't do anything is someone tries to kill someone else.

    It's a protection from abuse. We got it because he broke my jaw and tried to take my car with our son in it while he was drunk. He made threats to kidnap him, to kill me, and if he ever got our son back that'd I'd never see him again. And I can't move across the country because then he can get me for kidnapping for not notifying domestic relations and having a court hearing.
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    VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    You need a lawyer. A good one. I don't see how your son being adopted by your FI is going to protect him a way that your FI can't protect him now. Except for maybe he won't have to do visitation with his bio-dad. But you know in order for you FI to adopt your son, his biological father has to sign over his rights. And his biological father can contest the adoption in court. I mean if he's that big of a threat...get to fucking safety. 

    Here's some links:
    http://www.womenshelters.org/sta/pennsylvania (abused women's shelters in PA)
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    redoryxredoryx member
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    edited March 2015
    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:



    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.

    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
    I'm still having a hard time understanding how any of this is going to keep you or your son safe. 

    I mean, let's be honest -- a PFA is a legal piece of paper. It's a figurative safety net that the person agrees to follow (or not). Marriage and adoption are also legal pieces of paper. There's nothing literally saving you and your son. 

    Edited because I can't figure out boxes lol
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    sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    You still haven't explained how your son's safety will be kept if you get married.
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    ashley8918ashley8918 member
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    flantastic said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.



    I could see this being the case if you were trying to terminate the parental rights of both parents, but I don't believe this since you are still in the picture. You are his guardian. You can't tell me that PA requires there to be two legal guardians at all times.

    I don't think you have a clear legal picture here.

    I can't speak for PA, but this is absolutely the case in IL. In order for me to ask for my ex's rights to be terminated, it was required that someone is willing to adopt in his place. It could be anyone: my mom, my husband, my sister etc.

    Now, in the case of police documented violence/threats, I'm not sure that this requirement still exists.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    edited March 2015
    JCbride2015 said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
    I call bullshit.  Your ex made a documented attempt on the life of your child?  As in, tried to kill him and tried to kill you?  And the courts are saying they won't terminate parental rights until your Fi can adopt him a year from your wedding?

    So much nope.

    ETA: but even if this bullshit story is true (which it isn't) the bottom line is this-- so fucking what?  why would anybody in this situation give a rat's ass about having a big party?
    My cousin's (now ex) wife took the car while she was drunk and their son was in the car. She got pulled over, so her drunk driving with the child was documented. She immediately lost parental rights, my cousin immediately filed divorce proceedings, she was sent to jail (for a short amount of time) and the judge told my cousin that if she so much as set foot inside their house, their child would immediately be taken into protective custody. There was absolutely 0 fucking around. 

    ETA: so yeah my point is, I also call bullshit. 
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    needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    flantastic said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.



    I could see this being the case if you were trying to terminate the parental rights of both parents, but I don't believe this since you are still in the picture. You are his guardian. You can't tell me that PA requires there to be two legal guardians at all times.

    I don't think you have a clear legal picture here.

    We've been to a few different lawyers. Some in family court, some that deal with criminal due to his history. They all said the same thing. He can get visitation taken from him but he'd still be able to fight it down the road unless his rights are terminated.
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    needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    novella1186 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.
    I call bullshit.  Your ex made a documented attempt on the life of your child?  As in, tried to kill him and tried to kill you?  And the courts are saying they won't terminate parental rights until your Fi can adopt him a year from your wedding?

    So much nope.

    ETA: but even if this bullshit story is true (which it isn't) the bottom line is this-- so fucking what?  why would anybody in this situation give a rat's ass about having a big party?
    My cousin's (now ex) wife took the car while she was drunk and their son was in the car. She got pulled over, so her drunk driving with the child was documented. She immediately lost parental rights, my cousin immediately filed divorce proceedings, she was sent to jail (for a short amount of time) and the judge told my cousin that if she so much as set foot inside their house, their child would immediately be taken into protective custody. There was absolutely 0 fucking around. 

    ETA: so yeah my point is, I also call bullshit. 
    He didn't actually drive. He tried to. I held the keys so tight in my hands that they were cutting into me. He then slammed my face into the dash board. The. I had to convince him to let me drive him to a bat and I ditched him and called the cops who just made him call a ride home.
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    needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    JCbride2015 said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flantastic said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    If there's an issue with your son's safety, you should call the police, not worry about whether or not you're going to get a big fancy wedding.

    We have a pfa against my ex. He tried killing myself and my son. The pfa is up next May and we can't renew it. The police won't do anything. He abused me in the past and he's still taking away pieces on my life now.
    How can your FI adopt your son? I assume the parental rights are not terminated of the father?
    Right-- it seems like the issue is that OP needs to terminate the birth father's parental rights.  Why does Fi need to adopt the son to accomplish this?

    Either way, taking at face value your statement, OP, that this adoption will help the safety of your son: get married now and either forgo your deposits, or keep the later party as a celebration of your marriage.

    The way I see it, you want all three of the below things:
    -- Your son's safety (which I take is #1)
    -- Big fancy wedding
    -- Your $1000 back

    You can't have all of them.  But you can probably have two of the three, you just have to compromise somewhere.  Life is full of compromises.  If it were me I'd kiss my $1000 goodbye and just throw the best wedding I could pull together within the new timeframe, because I wouldn't be interested in a celebration of marriage party (nor an actual PPD).
    It wasn't my money. It was the money my dad left me before he died so I could have a big wedding. And I'm not going into a lot of details but we have a lawyer and we know it's going to be easy to get his rights terminated but when the pfa runs out, he could fight it. We can still do it without the pfa but it might be harder. And in PA, someone has to be will to adopt and legally able to before rights can be terminated.



    I could see this being the case if you were trying to terminate the parental rights of both parents, but I don't believe this since you are still in the picture. You are his guardian. You can't tell me that PA requires there to be two legal guardians at all times.

    I don't think you have a clear legal picture here.

    We've been to a few different lawyers. Some in family court, some that deal with criminal due to his history. They all said the same thing. He can get visitation taken from him but he'd still be able to fight it down the road unless his rights are terminated.
    So terminate his fucking parental rights. If his behavior has been documented I don't see how that would be difficult.


    But your wedding should not even be a factor.
    It's not. We need to do what we need to. But we spent all this money so either way we're doing both. I'm still getting my dress. I really don't care. This post was pointless. Thank you for everyone trying to make me feel bad.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    This is how I feel right now...

    image

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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    If this is all a legit, true thing, and your FI adopting him would really somehow help to keep him safe, and the only way for your FI to adopt him is really to get married, then your big fancy wedding and your deposit should not even be a factor in this equation. 

    You do what you need to do to keep your son safe. End of story. 
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    needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
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    ashley8918 said:

    sarawifenow said:

    Maybe I am dense, but what is a PFA?

     

    And I'm sorry, but I am calling bullshit that the police won't do anything is someone tries to kill someone else.

    It's a protection from abuse. We got it because he broke my jaw and tried to take my car with our son in it while he was drunk. He made threats to kidnap him, to kill me, and if he ever got our son back that'd I'd never see him again. And I can't move across the country because then he can get me for kidnapping for not notifying domestic relations and having a court hearing.
    So, when your FI adopts your son (1+ year from now), your ex magically won't be able to kidnap him or kill you?

    THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE.  
     Fuck the party. That should be so god damn far down on your list of priorities. I wish I could fucking shake you.


    He won't have legal rights to him. He won't be able to fight for custody. He won't be able to fight me if anything should happen. If anything happens to me, he won't be able to take him from the family he knows. He won't be able to have the chance to hurt him because then I can make sure he'll never see my son again. That's how. And if he ever tried to step foot on my property, I could shoot him.
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    sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    needsadvice22 said:

    novella1186 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    JCbride2015 said:

    mikenberger said:

    needsadvice22 said:

    flutteringinfl said:

    SNIP

    My cousin's (now ex) wife took the car while she was drunk and their son was in the car. She got pulled over, so her drunk driving with the child was documented. She immediately lost parental rights, my cousin immediately filed divorce proceedings, she was sent to jail (for a short amount of time) and the judge told my cousin that if she so much as set foot inside their house, their child would immediately be taken into protective custody. There was absolutely 0 fucking around. 

    ETA: so yeah my point is, I also call bullshit. 
    He didn't actually drive. He tried to. I held the keys so tight in my hands that they were cutting into me. He then slammed my face into the dash board. The. I had to convince him to let me drive him to a bat and I ditched him and called the cops who just made him call a ride home.
    Bullshit
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    Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
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    Shit happens and people have to change their plans all of the time to get through their new circumstances. I'm not a mother, but you better believe if I was, I'd be running- not walking- to the courthouse to get married if that is what the adoption process required. I wouldn't be thinking about anything or anyone else during this, especially not some party!  I understand you already have spent money toward the bigger wedding, but I'm pretty sure your dad would be okay with you focusing on your child's wellbeing as opposed to some unnecessary wedding celebration.

     







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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    redoryx said:

    So let me get this straight (and, please, correct me if I'm misunderstanding something):


    Your ex has been abusive to both you and your son. 
    He won't voluntarily surrender his rights.
    You can get petition to have the rights involuntarily removed, but the lawyers are telling you there has to be someone willing to adopt him first.
    Your FI wants to adopt him. 
    But in order for your FI to adopt him you have to be married first.
    And it takes a year post-marriage.
    And the PFA runs out in just over a year.
    So you want to get married now so that you can have everything done so you can move before the PFA runs out so your ex can't claim you've kidnapped your son. 


    All of this, and you're worried about a FUCKING PARTY?! 
    This. I am so extremely disturbed by your concern for a party, when this man has supposedly tried to KILL YOU AND YOUR CHILD. Are you fucking kidding me? In what world does that even make sense? 
    image
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