What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

Nymeru

One of my friends recently got engaged this past weekend and was given a ring that she hates.  What makes it especially hard for her is that her fiance went to so much effort to create the "perfect" ring.  He melted down his mom's engagement ring from her ex-husband (not his dad), and then had one of his friends who is learning to be a jeweler make a ring with a diamond and their birthstones.  It sounds sweet (aside from the ex-husband ring bit--I'm a little superstitious about bad marriage ring juju), but the end result is what looks like a Mexican flag in a really ugly hand-hammered gold band.  The ring seriously looks like it was only allowed to harden half-way and is still half-melted. 

Anyhow, she hates it.  She is over the moon to be engaged but doesn't know how to tell her fiance how she feels, or even if she should say anything to him.  It would crush him to know how she truly feels, but at the same time, she is the one who is going to wear it the rest of her life.  What advice do you guys have? Is there a right way to handle this situation?  Have any of you dealt with this before?

larrygaga

Nymeru said:

One of my friends recently got engaged this past weekend and was given a ring that she hates.  What makes it especially hard for her is that her fiance went to so much effort to create the "perfect" ring.  He melted down his mom's engagement ring from her ex-husband (not his dad), and then had one of his friends who is learning to be a jeweler make a ring with a diamond and their birthstones.  It sounds sweet (aside from the ex-husband ring bit--I'm a little superstitious about bad marriage ring juju), but the end result is what looks like a Mexican flag in a really ugly hand-hammered gold band.  The ring seriously looks like it was only allowed to harden half-way and is still half-melted. 

Anyhow, she hates it.  She is over the moon to be engaged but doesn't know how to tell her fiance how she feels, or even if she should say anything to him.  It would crush him to know how she truly feels, but at the same time, she is the one who is going to wear it the rest of her life.  What advice do you guys have? Is there a right way to handle this situation?  Have any of you dealt with this before?

What you do? Quickly learn to love it as you realize that it is a gift from someone symbolizing your first step into marriage and spending your life together. Realize that they spend a lot of time figuring out which one is best. Realize that a symbol is just sentimental and not the end all be all. 

What you don't do: Ask him to return it for a "better" one. She needs to suck it up and wear it. 

I knew a girl who asked her fiance to return her ring for a bigger and better one no less than 3 times. That girl was married a year and divorced as her husband realized how materialistic, shallow and gross she was. You don't say no to a heartfelt meaningful gift. 

Also: Tell your "friend" to focus on what's real and what matters. It's not a piece of jewelry, tell ya 'hwat.

theartistformerlyknownas

What Larry said.

doeydo

I would say something.  It's going to be on my finger for life (hopefully) and the person that proposed to me should have listened to the not so subtle hints I would have been dropping.

theartistformerlyknownas

I never dropped hints, subtle or otherwise.

huskypuppy14

lolo883 said:

I never dropped hints, subtle or otherwise.

I did. My husband picked out a great ring that I love, all by himself. It isn't exactly what I would have picked, but I love it. 

I somewhat disagree with Larry. I don't think she has to suck it up and wear it if she doesn't like it. This is something she could/would wear for the rest of her life. I think honesty is best, and she should tell him how she feels. But, I don't think he should get her another ring either. 

At the end of the day, it is just a piece of jewelry. Some people don't have engagement rings, and that doesn't make their engagement any less valid. If you can't tell your FI you don't like a piece of jewelry he bought you, what else are you going to have trouble telling him. 

JCbride2015

Honestly, I would say something-- not because this is an issue of size or wanting it to be "better" but because it's an issue of taste.  But damn, this is a tough situation especially because his friend made the ring.  She could try saying the ring is a very specific style and she wants something more simple/classic.  Eeeesh.

Maybe the best way to go about this is just make sure she really loves the wedding band.  Then stop wearing the engagement ring once she gets married.

chibiyui

Agh. Thats rough, yes, she should be happy that he proposed, gift of love, blah blah blah, but sometimes an ugly ring is an ugly ring, especially if it's not well made.

I think the best thing for her to do is to give it some time. When H proposed I was given a copper prototype. As happy as I was to be engaged, I was disappointed in the ring. I was expecting something art deco, and well it's not. Over time it grew on me. Now, I'm lucky because I eventually got the final version, that was rose gold and looked a million times better than the copper, and your friend doesn't really have this. But, maybe it will grow on her.

I'd take it to a jeweler. See if the hand hammering will wear off over time (most do) maybe inquire about smoothing it, and make sure the the stones are set properly (Lets face it, a good jeweler hammer finishes something, it doesn't look half-melted,  am concerned about the actual quality of the ring)

I like @JCbride2015 suggestion of making sure she gets a wedding band she loves and maybe wear that instead. Maybe she can pick up another ring at the time, because if she still doesn't like the ring when they're looking at wedding bands she should say something. 

blabla89

I'm torn on this one. Part of me says what Larry said. Suck it up and learn to live with it, at least until she has a wedding band to wear instead. The other part of me says you should be able to tell your FI anything, even if it's difficult, including that. If she chooses to wear only a wedding band, she'll have to tell him something and I imagine it might make him feel even worse after months of thinking she loved it.

bethsmiles

I'm leaning toward advising her say something. I totally understand where Larry is coming from but as wonderful as everything the ring symbolizes is it's also an ugly ring and clearly not what she wanted. Her FI really should have considered what she would like in a ring, after all the ring is for her and usually you consider what a person actually wants when giving a gift. All the symbolism is nice in theory but getting her a ring that's actually her style would have been a better choice.

It's a hard conversation to have but if she's going to marry him then they should be able to have this hard conversation. Honest is important in a relationship.

luckya23

I'm not sure exactly how I would do it, but I would have to, and wouldn't want to wear a ring I didn't like. 

My FI is well aware that I'm picky, though, so I chose everything about mine. 

Maybe she could show him a style she DOES like and bring it up that way? 

Either that or just have a short engagement and get an awesome wedding band!

larrygaga

Ugh.

theartistformerlyknownas

If it's "just a piece of jewelry and not everyone gets one" then why does it matter if it's ugly? To me the thought behind it is worth so much more... this isn't any other gift, like an ill-fitting sweater that you should be able to say something about. This man poured his heart into designing something special for her. That counts so much more than aesthetics to me. Love THAT when you can't love the ring.

mrsk616

honestly she is going to have to deal with it. my FI picked out a gorgeous ring but its not what i would have picked out but guess what its the meaning behind the ring not the ring itself. i eventually fell in love with my ring and could not have asked for something better.

Maggie0829

I would want to take the ring to a reputable jeweler to make sure that the stones are set properly, etc mainly because it was made by a person studying to be a jeweler.  I just would want to make sure that the ring isn't going to fall apart because it was made by someone who may not be fully qualified to create a ring.

As for if she should say something or not, well honesty is the best policy.  I am pretty sure her FI is going to be wondering why she is not wearing the ring and it is only going to hurt his feelings more if he finds out later that she isn't wearing it because she hates the ring.

And yeah it is "just a piece of jewelry" and the thought behind it should mean more then the final product.  But I am someone who would hate to see a person spend a bunch of money on something that will just end up shoved in a jewelry box never to see the light of day because the person who received it didn't like it.  I would much rather be told that it just isn't that persons style and get them something that they do love.

katiekessler123

Wow...that's a tough situation, but, I feel like the ring is a symbol of his love, so I would not say anything.

jenna8984

Maggie0829 said:

And yeah it is "just a piece of jewelry" and the thought behind it should mean more then the final product.  But I am someone who would hate to see a person spend a bunch of money on something that will just end up shoved in a jewelry box never to see the light of day because the person who received it didn't like it.  I would much rather be told that it just isn't that persons style and get them something that they do love.

I'm with this. Our third Christmas together, DH (then FI) got me these purple, heart shaped stone drop earrings. He could tell immediately by my face that I didn't like them. I thanked him profusely for the thought, but I didn't lie. I said they were not my style, and I'd never wear them, and I'd feel terrible to have waste the money for it to sit in a box. It was hard because it the first piece of jewelry he ever bought me and I didn't want to seem ungrateful or that the thought wasn't appreciated because it certainly was. But I felt less bad telling him than I would have felt never wearing them.

I know your friend's is different because it's the engagement ring and not just any gift, so in that case I honestly don't know if I would react the same way.

emmaaa

It can be a tough situation, yes. But I'm with @larrygaga, I think she needs to learn to love it a suck it up. I think DH could have given me the most hideous ring in the world and I would have still loved it simply because he picked out specifically for me.

I absolutely love my engagement ring. However, I told DH I wanted a round stone, he got me a square stone because he likes those better. I wanted a detailed band, but he got me a traditionally plain band because the jeweler told him that with what I do for work and how rough I am on my jewelry, that any detailing and diamonds on my band would get damaged (our jeweler knows us both very well and has handled all of my jewelry for the past 7 years). 

So is this engagement ring exactly what I would have picked out for myself? No, not really. But it is beautiful and even better than what I could have picked out. What makes it even more perfect is that DH designed it for me and only me.

thisismynickname2

I'm with Maggie. From OP's description, it doesn't sound just ugly- it sounds not well made. And, since it's FI's friend, what are the odds HE doesn't like it either, and didn't want to offend his friend?

This is different from saying, "I wanted a platinum princess cut with a halo" and being upset over getting a white gold three-stone instead. From OPs description, it's ugly because it may not be well made. 

I'd say something and sugar coat the heck out of it to try to preserve feelings.  

climbingsingle

Honestly, I wasn't crazy in love with my ring at the first moment. It wasn't what I had imagined. But I got over that in probably 3-5 seconds. Because the ring didn't matter to me. It was the symbol of the ring, and my husband asking me to marry him. So I wore that ring proudly every single day. But I guess some people put more importance on the look of the ring. Whatevs. If she hates it THAT much, then she should tell him. 

theycallmelinz

I agree that this is a super tough situation, and I was sort of in the same boat at one time. Before getting engaged, FI and I had gone to look at rings rogether and I picked out a style I loved, so that's what was in my head the rest of the time. When he proposed (almost a year later!!), he gave me a ring that was nothing like what we picked out, and I was a little sad about it to be honest. I never said anything because I told myself it didn't matter, and ultimately it didn't. Later on we were talking about it one day and he said, "I know it's not what you picked out, but it was the nicest thing I saw that I could afford." Right then I immediately fell in love with it, because I knew he had literally put his heart into picking it out, and I felt crappy for doubting him to begin with.

Now I really do love it, and yelled at him the other night when he said one day he would buy me a nicer one. I was like NO WAY YOU ARE NOT CHANGING MY RING.

Soooo I don't know what she should do, but I do know that for me the thought behind the ring mattered more than the appearance.

Bubblegum5586

I also agree to say something. Typically if you don't get the ring of your dreams... then yea suck it up and learn to love it. But not only does the quality sound questionable but having a red stone, and a green stone on either side of the diamond is a very specific look that I would imagine most people wouldn't want to wear daily. To me this is different then being unhappy with the shape or size.

simcal18

Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.

simcal18

climbingwife said:

Honestly, I wasn't crazy in love with my ring at the first moment. It wasn't what I had imagined. But I got over that in probably 3-5 seconds. Because the ring didn't matter to me. It was the symbol of the ring, and my husband asking me to marry him. So I wore that ring proudly every single day. But I guess some people put more importance on the look of the ring. Whatevs. If she hates it THAT much, then she should tell him. 

This is unfair. This isn't about placing more importance on the look of the ring than the meaning. Many people are pretty particular about the clothes and jewelry that they put on their bodies. It's not shallow to not want an unusual, poorly made ring that you hate the design of. Adding sentimental value to a ring you genuinely think is hideous, however much that sentimental value may mean, is unlikely to change that.

littlepep

thisismynickname said:

I'm with Maggie. From OP's description, it doesn't sound just ugly- it sounds not well made. And, since it's FI's friend, what are the odds HE doesn't like it either, and didn't want to offend his friend?

This is different from saying, "I wanted a platinum princess cut with a halo" and being upset over getting a white gold three-stone instead. From OPs description, it's ugly because it may not be well made. 

I'd say something and sugar coat the heck out of it to try to preserve feelings.  

I agree with this. It's not like she wants a bigger diamond or something. It's more of the quality. 

novella1186

I really want to see a picture of this ring. 

climbingsingle

bostonbride2015 said:

climbingwife said:

Honestly, I wasn't crazy in love with my ring at the first moment. It wasn't what I had imagined. But I got over that in probably 3-5 seconds. Because the ring didn't matter to me. It was the symbol of the ring, and my husband asking me to marry him. So I wore that ring proudly every single day. But I guess some people put more importance on the look of the ring. Whatevs. If she hates it THAT much, then she should tell him. 

This is unfair. This isn't about placing more importance on the look of the ring than the meaning. Many people are pretty particular about the clothes and jewelry that they put on their bodies. It's not shallow to not want an unusual, poorly made ring that you hate the design of. Adding sentimental value to a ring you genuinely think is hideous, however much that sentimental value may mean, is unlikely to change that.

Listen, if it's poorly made and falling apart, then yes, get it fixed. But if it's just not your style, I personally think that's a crappy reason to tell your FI that a ring they picked out isn't good enough. 

emmaaa

bostonbride2015 said:

Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty? 

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are  getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

banana468

I want to see this ring.   I feel like there can be a difference between "not exactly my style" and "this was made by an amateur and will fall apart before she scrubs her first matrimonial toilet".

This is a REALLY fine line to walk.     There's a big difference between having the superficial desire for a larger stone because the one you were given didn't match up vs. wearing something for the rest of your life that just isn't what you wanted at all.     The water gets muddier if the item is possibly shoddy craftsmanship.        If she loves him I'm sure she has no desire to crush his ego but I would also hope that by loving her, he wants to know when he missed the mark vs. she has something that she secretly hates.

This is not as comparable as an engagement ring but for Christmas this year I screwed up.   I bought DH a sound bar.   It was one of the best-rated ones on the market and I thought it would be great with our new flat screen.   But it wasn't what he wanted and instead his desire was to use our speakers.   Sure I felt bad, but the last thing I wanted was for him to resent me every time he used something I gave him just because it was from me.

I like Maggie's approach the best.   Have her take it to a jeweler.   As a good piece, it should be insured anyway so it needs to be appraised.   If the jeweler is finding flaws in it, perhaps there are ways that they can "fix" it. 

photokitty

If I were her FI I'd want her to honest with me rather than "sucking it up" and just wearing it despite hating it. I'd be more hurt that they felt they couldn't be honest with me - that's a crappy way to start a marriage.

If I was your friend, I would be very concerned about the quality (structural integrity) of the ring and whether the ring would even be insurable. If I wrap a diamond in wire, hang it around my neck and call it a necklace, it doesn't mean my insurance company is going to replace the diamond when it falls out. I wouldn't let some hobbyist make my e-ring. Someone who is truly learning would be an apprentice to a jeweler who would have overseen the quality of his work. Take it to a reputable jeweler and get it appraised - she'll have to to have it insured - and make sure it is structurally sound.

simcal18

bostonbride2015 said:

Honesty, I would say something. Yes, it's a difficult conversation and I would hate to hurt his feelings, but frankly, he screwed up here. If I were going to buy someone a piece of jewelery that I expected her to wear for the rest of her life (and were likely dropping a substantial chunk of change on it), I would make darn sure that it was something she could live with. And if I wasn't sure--I would find out, whether that meant asking her, her sisters/friends, whatever. This would be doubly true if I were thinking about purchasing an unusual ring as seems to be the case here.

My FI tried to go ring shopping on his own. He quickly realized he had no clue what I wanted, so he asked. I gave him some general guidelines, and he was much happier shopping once he knew he was picking out something I would love.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that he thought was meaningful to the two of them and probably thought was really pretty? 

Not all people talk with their SO's friends or family about what type of ring they are  getting or anything. DH didn't tell anyone he was even planning to propose. So that's really an unfair suggestion.

He screwed up because he got her a ring that is very much not her style.  He should have known better, especially because this ring is very unique and somewhat untraditional (how many people want red and green stones together in a ring they will wear every day)?  An engagement ring is a HUGE emotional (and often financial) purchase.  IMO, it's your job as the ring purchaser to get enough information about your future FI's style to make darn sure you get something she can live with.  You don't have to talk to friends or family before proposing, but you have to get that information somehow--whether it's talking to FI, a trusted friend/family member, paying close attention to the type of jewelry they wear currently, or however you want to do it.