What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

theartistformerlyknownas

Can we talk about balls in this thread too? It worked so well in the other one.

jdluvr06

ashley8918 said:

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

im·pli·ca·tion

ˌimpləˈkāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the conclusion that can be drawn from something, although it is not explicitly stated.

Gee thanks for the obvious definition. I'll clarify my post. I havent seen a post that has contained any IMPLICATION of the bolded either.

plainjane0415

jdluvr06 said:

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

I haven't either.  No one has said anything remotely close to that.

ETA:  As a general consensus we have said that your FI should take your TASTE into consideration, TASTE is broad, and includes many things, styles, etc.

NowIAmSyp

lolo883 said:

Can we talk about balls in this thread too? It worked so well in the other one.

I think we're rapidly approaching Puppy GIF time... 

cu97tiger

It's easy to say 'it's not about what the ring looks like' when you're not the one who has to wear it every day. I don't think you can compare getting a gift for your birthday/anniversary/etc to an engagement ring. One assumes occasional wearing for the former. For the latter, it's expected to be worn every day.

The beautiful thought behind my engagement ring did not change the fact that it was not a ring that I wanted to wear every single day. It's beautiful, but not 'me.' 

After we got married, I started talking to my DH about how it didn't feel like an everyday ring to me and that I'd like something simpler (more like what I had described to him when we were first looking at rings). After years of me wearing my wedding band alone most days, I found a setting that I wanted and, after talking to DH, ordered it. I am not materialistic or gross. I just didn't like the ring that DH designed for me, no matter how much HE loved it.

Yes, he was somewhat hurt. But he's an adult, and through this situation, we've learned how to better communicate with each other. If I had continued to wear that ring every day, I would have just resented that he hadn't listened to me better and he would have had no idea at my unhappiness. THAT sounds like a recipe for disaster.

This person should live with it for awhile... maybe it will grow on her. But if she is sure that it is not a ring she wants to wear every day, then she shouldn't have to. We aren't property, and she doesn't need to be branded as engaged. But if it's important to her (as it was to me) to have an everyday engagement ring, then she should talk to her FI about what choices they have. Maybe she can move the ring to her right hand? Maybe she can wear it occasionally? Maybe they can melt it down and make a new ring?

By the way, my 'new' e-ring is worth about 1/5 of my original e-ring... so materialistm didn't have a thing to do with it.

littlepep

I guess I kind of see the whole idea of even getting an engagement ring as materialistic to begin with. I mean like I said, you don't NEED one to be married. 

But if FI is going spend that much money on one, I think it should be something that I want to wear every day, even if it's not perfectly exactly what I want. I shouldn't hate it so much that I don't want to wear it. 

thisismynickname2

To lighten the mood, I'm just gonna leave this here and run. Humor folks, humor: 

photokitty

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

im·pli·ca·tion

ˌimpləˈkāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the conclusion that can be drawn from something, although it is not explicitly stated.

Try "projecting" see if that definition matches anything happening in this thread...

Maybe "jumping to conclusions"...

Also "putting words in our mouths" comes to mind...

I feel like the "you should be ashamed" and bad taste crowd are some how, some way projecting as a result of this thread. People are taking it way to personally and seem to be offended, some go as far as suggestion we would find their ring worthless. 

I don't see how shaming someone for wanting to like something they are being asked to wear for the rest of their life accomplishes anything.

I really would love to see where anyone said:

- that ring must be worthless.

- you should ask for a new or bigger diamond.

- get that shit appraised so you know if it's actually worth anything.

- who cares if you like it, it is big and expensive, bc that's all that matters.

As soon as someone says - "you deserve a larger diamond" or "so what if it's ugly, it's 4 carats and platinum baby" - then I'll agree there is a materialistic motive here. No one has said anything of the sort.

mikenberger

About the first world problems that drip from this board...

Isn't the whole fucking FORUM about first world problems?

"I have so many people that want to attend my wedding! How do I tell them to get lost?"

"My dream venue is requiring that I have a gap between my ceremony and reception. How do I handle that?"

"My invites are SMUDGED!! BITCHES!!"

"My bridesmaids aren't paying enough attention to me! I think they're all jealous of me!"

Hello? This place is a fucking first world problem bonanza. 

ETA: Doesn't mean we can't all get along and play nice in the sandbox.

novella1186

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

mikenberger

novella1186 said:

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

A-fucking-men. Titties all day.

plainjane0415

I love you @photokitty

VulgarGirl

@southernbelle0915 I know lots of women who don't wear their engagement rings post-wedding.

My point was that you can love the sentiment behind a thing (whatever the fuck that thing is) and still dislike the thing itself. 

I also want to point out (this is not directed just at southern) most of you guys were the asked. Some person who really likes you asked you to hang with them until the end of the world. Well I was the one asking. Lemme tell you something, that is not an easy position to be in.

 Will she say yes? Did I get the right ring? Does she really love me this much? Do I really make her happy?Will she show her friends this ring? Will she be happy? Will I make her happy? Am I good enough for her? Are we really going to spend forever together? What if she says no? What if..what if?

When Wifey said yes, a million fucking tons lifted off my shoulders. She said yes. She does love me. I do make her happy. I am good enough for her. 

If she said "Yes, but I really hate this ring" I would've been crushed. Because while her ring was custom made and I didn't stalk her pinterest (cause it wasn't a think back then), and I didn't survey her friends, I did put some thought into it.

Yes, I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy. If she said "I took the ring to a jeweler to be appraised and he's concerned the stones might come loose", fine. But "Sorry honey, I don't like this, try getting me something different", that'd hurt. 

theartistformerlyknownas

novella1186 said:

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

Amen to this, sister. Balls are gross.

lovemesomemonster

mikenberger said:

novella1186 said:

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

A-fucking-men. Titties all day.

YES to this! If there must be strippers at my bachelorette please please be women! 

jdluvr06

lolo883 said:

Can we talk about balls in this thread too? It worked so well in the other one.

Lolo my phone doesn't like you apparently. It took me forever to be able to "love" your post.

cu97tiger

MagicInk said:

 Will she say yes? Did I get the right ring? Does she really love me this much? Do I really make her happy?Will she show her friends this ring? Will she be happy? Will I make her happy? Am I good enough for her? Are we really going to spend forever together? What if she says no? What if..what if?

This can always always ALWAYS be answered by involving them in the ring process. In this day and age, there is literally NO reason to surprise the one you love with a ring if you are not sure that it is something they will love. Kind of like Nike says.... just ask.

simcal18

cu97tiger said:

MagicInk said:

 Will she say yes? Did I get the right ring? Does she really love me this much? Do I really make her happy?Will she show her friends this ring? Will she be happy? Will I make her happy? Am I good enough for her? Are we really going to spend forever together? What if she says no? What if..what if?

This can always always ALWAYS be answered by involving them in the ring process. In this day and age, there is literally NO reason to surprise the one you love with a ring if you are not sure that it is something they will love. Kind of like Nike says.... just ask.

cu97tiger--yay for the new siggy!!!  :-)

photokitty

I think we should just agree to suspend all debate until we can get a photo of the ring in question.

If OP's post history didn't suggest otherwise, I'd call the best Trolling so far this month!! 5 pages debating over a ring that we are all imagining in our heads. 

FWIW, what I imagine in my head is so bad, I'd rather wear a ring made out of dried macaroni day in and day out.

VulgarGirl

novella1186 said:

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

Amen sister girl! Gimmie me boobs all day long. Balls are gross.

chibiyui

plainjane0415 said:

I guess I just don't see it as being materialistic.  I see it as being open with your partner.

You should have a relationship that's open enough to discuss anything with them.  Open enough for them to know your style, your likes/dislikes.  And if it's something that means as much as an engagement ring does, they should also be confident enough to come to you and ask if you like it, and be prepared for the answer, no matter what it is. 

If I tried to dance around not liking a ring, my FI would be able to see right through it, because he knows me better than anyone else, and THAT would disappoint him more than anything else.

**I am using our personal relationship as an example, I understand that this may not be how all relationships are, but this is just my perspective.**

This. 

I don't love H any less because sometimes his taste in jewelry doesn't match mine all the time. We just talk about our preferences like adults. Maybe Op's friend talks to her FI and they decide to keep the ring and she just wears a wedding band once they're married. Maybe sometime down the road they get a different ring or have this one remade into something more her taste. Maybe she ends up loving the ring after some time.  But that's for them as a couple to decide on. And it doesn't due OP's friend any good to lie about the ring if s

My Mom has "upgraded" her wedding set twice since she and my step-dad got married more than 10 years ago now. I remember the first time she did it, and (high-school me) asked "How she could give a ring given as a symbol of love and commitment up" Her response was basically "It's a piece of jewelry, it is not literally tied to how much they love each other, or their level of commitment to each other. If she had no ring she'd still be happily married to him. But she likes sparkly things, she doesn't wear a lot of other jewelry, so why not get something a little sparklier that she'll wear, as opposed to a piece that she wouldn't" 

Now, if my Step-dad were hurt (actually, I'm pretty sure the "upgrade" was his idea) by this, Mom would still have her original set. But neither of them are that emotionally invested in the jewelry itself. I personally don't ever see myself "upgrading" my e-ring or wedding band. But that doesn't mean my relationship with H is somehow stronger then my parents, it just means I have an emotional attachment to this particular piece of jewelry. 

Tl:Dr: All relationships are different, but you should be able to say you don't like something and then arrive at a decision together. Hurt feelings happen in relationships all the time, you work through them. 

Edit: I am team boobies as well

VulgarGirl

cu97tiger said:

MagicInk said:

 Will she say yes? Did I get the right ring? Does she really love me this much? Do I really make her happy?Will she show her friends this ring? Will she be happy? Will I make her happy? Am I good enough for her? Are we really going to spend forever together? What if she says no? What if..what if?

This can always always ALWAYS be answered by involving them in the ring process. In this day and age, there is literally NO reason to surprise the one you love with a ring if you are not sure that it is something they will love. Kind of like Nike says.... just ask.

One of a about a zillion questions that ran through my head but yes, focus on that one. Miss the entire point I was trying to make. That's groovy yo.

Hey the whole thing can be fixed if all the women waiting to get THE PERFECT engagement ring just bought their own ring and ask the dude.

ashley8918

photokitty said:

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

im·pli·ca·tion

ˌimpləˈkāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the conclusion that can be drawn from something, although it is not explicitly stated.

Try "projecting" see if that definition matches anything happening in this thread...

Maybe "jumping to conclusions"...

Also "putting words in our mouths" comes to mind...

I feel like the "you should be ashamed" and bad taste crowd are some how, some way projecting as a result of this thread. People are taking it way to personally and seem to be offended, some go as far as suggestion we would find their ring worthless. 

I don't see how shaming someone for wanting to like something they are being asked to wear for the rest of their life accomplishes anything.

I really would love to see where anyone said:

- that ring must be worthless.

- you should ask for a new or bigger diamond.

- get that shit appraised so you know if it's actually worth anything.

- who cares if you like it, it is big and expensive, bc that's all that matters.

As soon as someone says - "you deserve a larger diamond" or "so what if it's ugly, it's 4 carats and platinum baby" - then I'll agree there is a materialistic motive here. No one has said anything of the sort.

Oh, for fucks sake.

Okay.

Feeling entitled to a ring that's somehow better and more "your style" (general you) at the expense of the person that you love most in the world's feeling is not the epitome of an obnoxious FWP.

What exactly am I projecting here? I am not offended, and haven't said I was.

southernbelle0915

@MagicInk (I won't quote because space reasons)

I agree you can love the sentiment behind a thing (any thing) and dislike the thing itself. Absolutely. I don't think anyone is arguing that.

But most of what I saw here was people discussing the spectrum of honesty they have/would have with their partners. Not "omg this thing is a piece of shit, buy me something else" type of honesty. I didn't see one person say (or imply) that. But "I love the sentiment, but it's not my taste" type of honesty. Some said they'd say nothing at all. Some said they'd basically beat around the bush if directly asked. 

I think the perspective of being the ask-er versus the ask-ed is important, so I'm glad you brought that in - not something I thought about. However, this conversation wasn't around the moment the question took place, as you describe above, it's in the months afterwards. Also, FTR and FYI, I asked DH to marry me before he asked me. No ring, just a question. He didn't seem to think I was serious because gender roles. Try that on for hurt.

Anyway, in other words, it's not "will you marry me?" "sure...but I don't like this ring." It's "will you marry me?" "of course I will" (queue emotional engagement stuff) And then in the ensuing months, realizing that there are serious quality issues with the ring. 

JCbride2015

chibiyui said:

plainjane0415 said:

I guess I just don't see it as being materialistic.  I see it as being open with your partner.

You should have a relationship that's open enough to discuss anything with them.  Open enough for them to know your style, your likes/dislikes.  And if it's something that means as much as an engagement ring does, they should also be confident enough to come to you and ask if you like it, and be prepared for the answer, no matter what it is. 

If I tried to dance around not liking a ring, my FI would be able to see right through it, because he knows me better than anyone else, and THAT would disappoint him more than anything else.

**I am using our personal relationship as an example, I understand that this may not be how all relationships are, but this is just my perspective.**

This. 

I don't love H any less because sometimes his taste in jewelry doesn't match mine all the time. We just talk about our preferences like adults. Maybe Op's friend talks to her FI and they decide to keep the ring and she just wears a wedding band once they're married. Maybe sometime down the road they get a different ring or have this one remade into something more her taste. Maybe she ends up loving the ring after some time.  But that's for them as a couple to decide on. And it doesn't due OP's friend any good to lie about the ring if s

My Mom has "upgraded" her wedding set twice since she and my step-dad got married more than 10 years ago now. I remember the first time she did it, and (high-school me) asked "How she could give a ring given as a symbol of love and commitment up" Her response was basically "It's a piece of jewelry, it is not literally tied to how much they love each other, or their level of commitment to each other. If she had no ring she'd still be happily married to him. But she likes sparkly things, she doesn't wear a lot of other jewelry, so why not get something a little sparklier that she'll wear, as opposed to a piece that she wouldn't" 

Now, if my Step-dad were hurt (actually, I'm pretty sure the "upgrade" was his idea) by this, Mom would still have her original set. But neither of them are that emotionally invested in the jewelry itself. I personally don't ever see myself "upgrading" my e-ring or wedding band. But that doesn't mean my relationship with H is somehow stronger then my parents, it just means I have an emotional attachment to this particular piece of jewelry. 

Tl:Dr: All relationships are different, but you should be able to say you don't like something and then arrive at a decision together. Hurt feelings happen in relationships all the time, you work through them. 

Edit: I am team boobies as well

All of this. I'm looking at this as primarily a communication issue, not a materialism issue. It's a tough call, but I feel like if she is this unhappy with the ring, she should feel comfortable opening a discussion with her Fi.

ashley8918

photokitty said:

FWIW, what I imagine in my head is so bad, I'd rather wear a ring made out of dried macaroni day in and day out.

My H wears my daughter's macaroni necklaces on the regular, and it's the sweetest thing in the world.

but, FWIW, that is totally not what i'm imagining re: this ring at all.

My breain goes here-ish.

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

I just wrote a huge long post about how I never felt entitled to a ring and then I thought "Nope, fuck it. It's getting way too heavy in here." 

So I'm just gonna say that I think balls are ugly. I'd rather look at a set of boobs than a pair of balls any day. 

Balls are both gross and HILARIOUS. I can't think about them for more than 4 seconds without wanting to giggle. I realize they get the job (of cooling sperm) done, but good god almighty, why are they so...pendulous and glandular? If we're being honest, the entire "package" (when flaccid) basically looks like some kind of diseased, swollen tissue.

And I really like penises, I swear! But when it comes to aesthetics I'm Team Boobies all the way.

lovemesomemonster

I am picturing something along the lines of if the below two rings met at a bar and had babies...

plainjane0415

MagicInk said:

@southernbelle0915 I know lots of women who don't wear their engagement rings post-wedding.

My point was that you can love the sentiment behind a thing (whatever the fuck that thing is) and still dislike the thing itself. 

I also want to point out (this is not directed just at southern) most of you guys were the asked. Some person who really likes you asked you to hang with them until the end of the world. Well I was the one asking. Lemme tell you something, that is not an easy position to be in.

 Will she say yes? Did I get the right ring? Does she really love me this much? Do I really make her happy?Will she show her friends this ring? Will she be happy? Will I make her happy? Am I good enough for her? Are we really going to spend forever together? What if she says no? What if..what if?

When Wifey said yes, a million fucking tons lifted off my shoulders. She said yes. She does love me. I do make her happy. I am good enough for her. 

If she said "Yes, but I really hate this ring" I would've been crushed. Because while her ring was custom made and I didn't stalk her pinterest (cause it wasn't a think back then), and I didn't survey her friends, I did put some thought into it.

Yes, I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy. If she said "I took the ring to a jeweler to be appraised and he's concerned the stones might come loose", fine. But "Sorry honey, I don't like this, try getting me something different", that'd hurt. 

Sure, the bolded would hurt.  But think about it, how would you feel if you put all of this thought into this ring, and your SO accepted it, acted like they liked it, and then didn't wear it? 

I can tell you right now that if I stopped wearing my engagement ring after FI and I got married he would be very hurt. He'd be a lot more hurt by the action of me not wearing it then he would have been if I came to him about it.

I will also very much agree with @cu97tiger.  A lot of anxiety can be alleviated if you involve each other in the ring buying process.  Yea, I had a general idea of what my ring looked like, but did that take away the surprise when FI asked me?  No.  Did I still cry like a baby when he asked me? Yes.  Do I still get chills when I think about that day?  Yes. 

MagicInk said:

VulgarGirl

@MagicInk (I won't quote because space reasons)

I agree you can love the sentiment behind a thing (any thing) and dislike the thing itself. Absolutely. I don't think anyone is arguing that.

"Anyone with half a brain can see through bullshit attempts to avoid lying by omission. "Honey, do you love your ring?" "Babe, I really love the thought behind it." Yeah, no. You're either lying or your not. And if you're trying to skirt that line, you're only insulting someone's intelligence."

Decembergirl seems to think so. She's who I originally quoted. She's who I was speaking to with my story about my brother and his shitty jewerly buying skills (that have really not improved he bought his girlfriend some weird broch thing and his boyfriend a sliver douchebag necklace this boy needs to stop shopping). That'st he quote from her post that I quoted in my post.