What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

beachyone15

I think it's also about knowing your partner. My DH is extremely practical and I know it would bother him if he intentionally spent money (no matter how much) on something I didn't like. In our case, he would actually be more hurt if I didn't speak up. But again, that's speaking from our own relationship. Hopefully your friend will follow some of the good advice given in this thread. I definitely agree with getting the ring inspected.

larrygaga

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

cupcait927

I just wanted to add to the discussion - if I didn't like the ring H had picked out for me and just stopped wearing it, as some people have suggested, I know that he would hound me constantly to ask why I wasn't wearing it. It's not as if he's going to forget that he bought it for me and just let it go, like he might if he bought me a sweater or a new purse. He put a lot of time and effort into picking out my ring with the hopes that I would wear it every day. To not wear it would hurt his feelings more than me telling him up front "hey, I am so thankful that you put so much effort into this ring but I'm concerned about x,y, or z or it's not my style, let's go together to make it something I can wear every day" or something along those lines.

 

I would never straight up tell him it's ugly but I'm also certainly not going to lie to him either. He appreciates my honesty more than me lying to protect his feelings. I'm the one that has to wear his ring every day and he recognizes that. He wanted me to have something I loved just as much as he wanted to be proud of the ring he picked out.

ashley8918

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

I love you.

novella1186

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Why should anyone feel ashamed of themselves just because their opinion may be different than yours? 

And how is this thread showing that knotties lack graciousness and intelligence? Just because a gift is sentimental does not mean the recipient is required to love the style or look of it.

I think your reaction is a bit extreme for the content of this thread. No one was saying ungracious, shallow, unintelligent things such as "your engagement isn't valid unless you have a 5 carat stone! Demand a bigger stone or turn down his proposal!" It was more the tone of "This is a tough situation. My FI would prefer me to be honest but I would do it tactfully." or "I would just suck it up and wear the ring." 

banana468

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Again, I think we need to see the ring here.   

Are you saying that she shouldn't take it to a jeweler to be inspected?   What if it's not capable of being insured?   What if the craftsmanship is so craptacular that the ring is easily damaged and / or stones fall out?  

KatieinBkln

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

First of all, no thread on Wedding Bee has ever been spelled and punctuated this well, so there's that.

And I think you're being unfair to the thread, if not necessarily to every single person in it. People are (for the most part) discussing the deeper issue beyond the material ring, which is: How do we consider our loved one's feelings, and where is the line when it comes to honesty vs. kindness?

They've also differentiated between "Shit, this is ugly, buy me a new one" and "Dear god this thing is going to fall apart on top of being ugly" and are trying to suss out which (if any) of those responses merits mentioning something to the FI.

It may be clear as day to you, which is cool. But this is hardly a discussion full of SS-enablers encouraging OP's friend to march right over to her FI and demand a fresh ring because "she deserves it, you do you, it's YOUR SPECIAL RING!" Don't mis-characterize this.

ETA: @larrygaga please don't rage-quit us. I like you and I don't want to miss out on either your real talk OR your always-delightful siggy gifs.

chibiyui

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

You know, I really respect that you're so unconcerned about material aspects, it's a great quality, and shit, it isn't easy being that way in our culture, which is basically centered around materialism as being a "moral right".

But some people just aren't fucking sentimental about jewelry. Yes it's a first world problem. But no one is suggesting that she has a "right" to the ring of her dreams, or that she should demand a "better" ring. Is not loving it because it's either a poor quality ring or not her style a little shallow? Of course, nearly all aesthetics preferences are related to shallowness in someway. But there's miles between "This ring is poorly made and in no way related to my taste" and "It's not a fucking TIffany, so it's terrible" It's human to be a little shallow. Not automatically loving a gift doesn't make you a bad person.

simcal18

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Oh please. An engagement ring is not a typical gift.  It's not a tea cozy from your Great Aunt Myrtle that can be stuck in a closet for two years until you're ready to haul it off to Goodwill.  It is a piece of jewelry you're ideally going to wear and look at every day for the rest of your life, given to you by the person who is supposed to know you better than anybody else in the world.  It's not unreasonable or petty to want your engagement ring to be something you don't find aesthetically hideous.

I wasn't rude to my FI when I responded to his questions about what kind of ring I would like.  And if I had truly hated the ring he picked out for me (which never would have happened because he was a considerate gift giver who took my taste and preferences into account), he would have been far more hurt if I were dishonest with him about my feelings and pretended I liked it than if I were honest and told him that I was going to see if some modifications could be made to the ring.

First world problem?  Maybe.  But OP's friend lives in the first world, and she's in a legitimately tough spot.

plainjane0415

beachyone15 said:

I think it's also about knowing your partner. My DH is extremely practical and I know it would bother him if he intentionally spent money (no matter how much) on something I didn't like. In our case, he would actually be more hurt if I didn't speak up. But again, that's speaking from our own relationship. Hopefully your friend will follow some of the good advice given in this thread. I definitely agree with getting the ring inspected.

My FI is the same way.  He would MUCH rather me tell him if I didn't like something so that we could get something I did like.  My ring was very much a joint decision between us both, I chose the setting, FI ordered it, and had the ring made with a diamond that a local jeweler had.  So, I had a general idea of what the ring was going to look like.  FI cares very much about getting me something that I will like (as I do with him), but that's just him personally, and I get that some guys really want to add in that surprise factor, but that shouldn't inhibit you from being able to be honest with him if it truly isn't something you would wear.

Cookie Pusher

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Do the rest of the first world problems people post about bother you too? I mean, having to decide between roses vs. lilies vs. orchids is pretty shallow compared to ending hunger in developing nations....

plainjane0415

bostonbride2015 said:

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Oh please. An engagement ring is not a typical gift.  It's not a tea cozy from your Great Aunt Myrtle that can be stuck in a closet for two years until you're ready to haul it off to Goodwill.  It is a piece of jewelry you're ideally going to wear and look at every day for the rest of your life, given to you by the person who is supposed to know you better than anybody else in the world.  It's not unreasonable or petty to want your engagement ring to be something you don't find aesthetically hideous.

I wasn't rude to my FI when I responded to his questions about what kind of ring I would like.  And if I had truly hated the ring he picked out for me (which never would have happened because he was a considerate gift giver who took my taste and preferences into account), he would have been far more hurt if I were dishonest with him about my feelings and pretended I liked it than if I were honest and told him that I was going to see if some modifications could be made to the ring.

First world problem?  Maybe.  But OP's friend lives in the first world, and she's in a legitimately tough spot.

I also agree with the bolded.  It kind of falls on your FI's shoulders too to take your tastes into consideration.  I'm not saying that his sentiments can't be taken into consideration, because they can and most certainly should, because that is what makes this special gift so special.  But he should also know you well enough to make an informed decision on a piece of jewelry that you will like and not let his sentiments override everything related to the ring. After all, you are the one wearing it forever.

southernbelle0915

@larrygaga (I won't quote and take up space since everyone else did)

Most of the posts on here are first world problems. It's a wedding planning website based on industry hype - dresses, honeymoons, favors, cakes, photography, venues, gifts, etc..... I mean if you want to quit TK, quit because the entire forum is chock full of actual FWPs. You can look back at my posts and find a bunch. I can look back at your posts and find a bunch. I'm pretty sure every single person (and reg) here is guilty of FWPs. We even have threads where we make fun of our FWPs. 

Anyway, I don't think anyone should be ashamed of themselves for advising a ring inspection or honesty. After all, an amateur jeweler made it. 

And the question "Do you like it?" isn't out of left field. I wouldn't be surprised if her FI asked her that. So people here are just saying how they'd respond.

littlepep

bostonbride2015 said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Oh please. An engagement ring is not a typical gift.  It's not a tea cozy from your Great Aunt Myrtle that can be stuck in a closet for two years until you're ready to haul it off to Goodwill.  It is a piece of jewelry you're ideally going to wear and look at every day for the rest of your life, given to you by the person who is supposed to know you better than anybody else in the world.  It's not unreasonable or petty to want your engagement ring to be something you don't find aesthetically hideous.

I wasn't rude to my FI when I responded to his questions about what kind of ring I would like.  And if I had truly hated the ring he picked out for me (which never would have happened because he was a considerate gift giver who took my taste and preferences into account), he would have been far more hurt if I were dishonest with him about my feelings and pretended I liked it than if I were honest and told him that I was going to see if some modifications could be made to the ring.

First world problem?  Maybe.  But OP's friend lives in the first world, and she's in a legitimately tough spot.

I was thinking the same thing. I can't tell you how many sweaters or scarves I've gotten from my grandmother that are just not my taste. I graciously say thank you; it's lovely. Then I go home and donate to Goodwill. 

In the grand scheme of things, no it doesn't matter about an engagement ring. It doesn't make your marriage valid or better. It's a piece of jewelry. You can get married with or without one. 

That said, when you're spending that much money on something, you don't want it to sit in a jewelry box because the person doesn't like it. Personally, I'd rather know someone likes it than not. Example: FI got me a jacket for xmas. He said I know you want a different color so this is a placeholder. I said I am ok with this color. And he said no, I want you to like it. Let's exchange it for the one you really want. 

He'd rather I am honest and get something I like than waste money on something that I'm not going to use/wear. 

Dreamergirl8812

Okay, I'm going to ignore the self-righteous "I'm better than all of you" bullshit. It just makes you look like a child with no sense of perspective. Seriously, no one cares if you're proud of someone else's thread. There's no way you are this full of yourself. I refuse to believe it.

As for the ring, I think it's incredibly unfair to the FH to pretend to love a hideous ring (unless, as others have said, she's just being a SS). He would be hurt to know she hates it because he wanted to get something that she would love. Not something that she would pretend to love. I don't lie to my husband and this guy doesn't deserve to be lied to.

Anyone with half a brain can see through bullshit attempts to avoid lying by omission. "Honey, do you love your ring?" "Babe, I really love the thought behind it." Yeah, no. You're either lying or your not. And if you're trying to skirt that line, you're only insulting someone's intelligence.

jdluvr06

This is a tough one. I think it depends on how you interact with your SO. If h had picked out something I hated I would tell him because whenever he gives me a gift he says if you hate it tell me (I have no idea why he does this. He has been that way since we first got together. He is weird). When he bought my engagement ring he picked out something I love but he also peppered me white questions before hand, If I bought I him something that he hated I would expect him to tell me because I would have hated to waste money on something he wasn't going to use. That is just us though. 

I like Maggie's idea about taking it to a jeweler. If the ring is made poorly then that is something you need to know. 

NowIAmSyp

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

ashley8918

photokitty

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

FFS.

Let's say your SO lovingly and painstakingly designed a tattoo for you, bc you love tattoos and as a gift he's going have it tattooed on you. He's not an artist, it's ugly as fuck, and you really don't want to have it on your body everyday of your life. But it's a gift, and he is coming from a good place in this gift. So you should just get that shit tattooed on your neck and suck it up, right?

If he had it printed on a shirt you'd gladly wear it once every few weeks, bc it was truly sweet and thoughtful of him. But maybe you don't want to walk around with it on your body every day of your life.

You can be gracious and intelligent and still have a preference in what you want to wear or have on your body every day. Really, it's totally possible.

When DH picked out his wedding band he picked a ring I didn't care for, even though I was buying it for him I wanted him to have the one he wanted. I didn't force my style and tastes on him, bc he's a fucking adult and is allowed to have his own style and preferences. At the end of the day, him being happy with the ring he will wear every damn day of his life is more important to me than him accepting whatever gift I decided to buy.

I refuse to consider an e-ring to be strictly a gift. It is given as agreement to marry. If it was just a gift that had no strings attached then there would be no expectation of returning the item if you canceled the engagement. Gifts don't come with strings attached.

mikenberger

Wasn't there a thread a few months ago where someone's FI's grandma/great-grandma wanted to give them a large hutch to display all the china that they wanted to gift to the FI and the OP didn't want to accept the hutch/china because it didn't go with their current decor and was bulky and heavy and they didn't want to deal with it.

Nobody told that OP that she should suck it up buttercup and accept the gift that was being graciously bestowed upon them in the best of intentions if her and her FI truly felt that it didn't fit their house. So I think it came down to that they were going to accept the china, but find a buffet that fit their house better. Granny gets to know that her china has been given to someone in the family and FI/OP have a buffet in their dining room that they love. 

Isn't this kind of similar? Yes, there is lots of love and thought into a gift, but sometimes, it just doesn't quite work. So in that case of "sometimes", you have to be honest with them and hope that a compromise can be reached. So maybe a nice band can accompany the ring or there can be a slight change in the ring. Or maybe it's really not that bad. Doesn't make someone a bad person/materialistic person if they genuinely feel that the ring isn't the ring for them (superficial issues aside: carat size etc.) but it should be something that done with care. Not "Dude. Do you have a set of eyeballs? This thing is UGGGGGGLY." 

I feel rambly.

mrsk616

pinkcow13 said:

lovemesomemonster said:

themuffinman16 said:

photokitty said:

UO: I think birthstones on e-rings are cheesy as hell. I'm not even a fan of the mother or grandmother rings. I might feel different about hem when I have kids tho, but on an e-ring it's cheesy. (Big UO: Almost as cheesy as a heart shaped diamond IMHO)

I hate mother rings. A hodgepodge of different stones in a setting is never my style. I absolutely hate my birth stone (November... yuck). If god loved me, he would have made my birthday in September or October  

    If I were given something I absolutely hated, I would have to tell my husband, delicately.  If I were given something that wasn't exactly my taste but was okay, I think I would learn to love it.  I think custom jewelry is something a couple should do together. If someone doesn't like it, you can't take it back. You can only pay even more money to get it in a setting you prefer.

Totally agree with you ladies on the birthstones! The only time it works is if you have mine in there (April, diamond). I think this guy had a very heart felt IDEA of putting birth stones in it and being meaningful but I don't think he really thought through the wearing it every day thing. If FI had put his birth stone with my diamond that could have worked but if it were red and green I would be thinking it was a December thing for the holidays. 

Yea, I HATE my birthstone. It's green, and I hate the color green. I also don't find the idea of putting their birthstones on her ring as particularly sweet or sentimental, because I personally don't give a crap about birthstones. 

I want to see this ring, or at least something similar to it, just to see if it is a SS situation or if it really is that bad and poorly made.

The way I see it, is that maybe his intentions were there, and he really meant it to be a sweet gesture, but when executed, it did not come out the right way. She doesn't have to love her e-ring, but as long as she appreciates what it represents, that's what matters. As to whether she should say something, I think she should, but be sensitive about his feelings. Not just blurt out " I hate this hideous piece of crap, what were you thinking?"

Personally, I would prefer if FI were honest about something I gave him that he hates, than to lie about it and "suck it up" for my sake. At the end of the day, that's what marriage is, being upfront and honest, but still being sensitive to your partners feelings during sensitive situations.

 I also agree with what Maggie stated earlier and getting the ring checked out by a professional jewler.

i am in the same boat. hate the color green (may baby here) i can do mint but forget emerald.

ashley8918

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Okay, I'm going to ignore the self-righteous "I'm better than all of you" bullshit. It just makes you look like a child with no sense of perspective. Seriously, no one cares if you're proud of someone else's thread. There's no way you are this full of yourself. I refuse to believe it.

As for the ring, I think it's incredibly unfair to the FH to pretend to love a hideous ring (unless, as others have said, she's just being a SS). He would be hurt to know she hates it because he wanted to get something that she would love. Not something that she would pretend to love. I don't lie to my husband and this guy doesn't deserve to be lied to.

Anyone with half a brain can see through bullshit attempts to avoid lying by omission. "Honey, do you love your ring?" "Babe, I really love the thought behind it." Yeah, no. You're either lying or your not. And if you're trying to skirt that line, you're only insulting someone's intelligence.

Speaking of self-righteous "i'm better than you" bullshit... ahem.

amelisha

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

VulgarGirl

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Anyone with half a brain can see through bullshit attempts to avoid lying by omission. "Honey, do you love your ring?" "Babe, I really love the thought behind it." Yeah, no. You're either lying or your not. And if you're trying to skirt that line, you're only insulting someone's intelligence.

Um, but you can love the thought behind something and still love the something. I do it all the time.

My youngest brother was about 12 when I graduated from high school and he wanted to get me a nice present, something special for his big sister with his own money. So he got me a gold ID bracelet with green stones on either side in hearts with my family nickname engraved on it (Fifi). 

Dude I fucking hated that thing the minute I saw it. It was fucking ugly as sin, not me, and only select people get to call me Fifi. I've also never liked my name on stuff. But my brother had this huge smile on his face when he gave it to me and when he went "Do you like it?" I did not say "No, it's not my style", I said "Did you pick it out yourself? Wow you put a lot of effort into this. Thank you!" and gave him a big hug.

Now, he's 20. And he still talks about the ID bracelet he gave his big sister. And I still smile and tell him he put a lot of effort into it and I appreciate the gesture behind it. And yes, he knows I don't like wearing gold and I'm not heart jewelry person, and for the love god don't fucking put my name on shit. But I really did love all the effort he put into it. I loved that he tried so fucking hard. But I'm never wearing that fucking bracelet. Ever.

ashley8918

amelisha said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

AlexisA01

larrygaga said:

This thread rather sickens me. The first world problems that just drip from the knot makes me want to rage quit you guys.

I thought we strove to be gracious and intelligent. I thought we weren't supposed to tell other people what to buy us for gifts. I thought that was considered rude.

I am not proud of this thread right now. I can't even imagine disliking such a sentimental gift given to me by my favorite person. Even if it was ugly, the thought means so much more.

Ya'll should be ashamed. I'm ashamed, this thread looks like it came out of the wedding bee.what the fuck.

Not even close to wedding bee.....

I'm in the camp that the bride should be honest about the ring.

jdluvr06

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

southernbelle0915

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Anyone with half a brain can see through bullshit attempts to avoid lying by omission. "Honey, do you love your ring?" "Babe, I really love the thought behind it." Yeah, no. You're either lying or your not. And if you're trying to skirt that line, you're only insulting someone's intelligence.

Um, but you can love the thought behind something and still love the something. I do it all the time.

My youngest brother was about 12 when I graduated from high school and he wanted to get me a nice present, something special for his big sister with his own money. So he got me a gold ID bracelet with green stones on either side in hearts with my family nickname engraved on it (Fifi). 

Dude I fucking hated that thing the minute I saw it. It was fucking ugly as sin, not me, and only select people get to call me Fifi. I've also never liked my name on stuff. But my brother had this huge smile on his face when he gave it to me and when he went "Do you like it?" I did not say "No, it's not my style", I said "Did you pick it out yourself? Wow you put a lot of effort into this. Thank you!" and gave him a big hug.

Now, he's 20. And he still talks about the ID bracelet he gave his big sister. And I still smile and tell him he put a lot of effort into it and I appreciate the gesture behind it. And yes, he knows I don't like wearing gold and I'm not heart jewelry person, and for the love god don't fucking put my name on shit. But I really did love all the effort he put into it. I loved that he tried so fucking hard. But I'm never wearing that fucking bracelet. Ever.

I like this story.

But I think there are a few key differences: 1) he was a child and the dynamic is different than 2 adults, IMO. and 2) you choose not to wear it because you think it's "fucking ugly as sin". 

Regarding #1, I will probably lie to my kids. If they draw me a piss poor picture of a rainbow and a "cat" (CLICKY for something funny that came to mind), I will probably tell them I love it. They're kids. It's a little harsh to say to a child "you suck a drawing" or "why can't your little brain comprehend that something YOU like isn't something I would like?" I think (most) adults have the understanding that something they gift may or may not be liked. And most want the recipient to be honest about it. At least I do because I don't like to waste money.

Regarding #2, If this chick stashes her e-ring in a box somewhere, I'm pretttttty sure her FI is going to ask why she's not wearing it. I don't think an e-ring can really be compared to a graduation gift in this scenario.

edit: added the bolded

ashley8918

ashley8918 said:

I really didn't want to touch this, but hey, I might as well give you guys someone else to pile on besides larry...

I do think a lot of the stuff I've read on this thread has come across materialistic in a way I wouldn't have expected from this board. It has left a bad taste in my mouth as well.

I don't disagree that this entire website is for the utterly first-world-problems issue of wedding planning. And I don't disagree that people marrying each other should be able to be honest with each other about their likes and dislikes.

But still, lots of this hurts my heart a bit. Maybe it's because my ring would be practically worthless in an appraisal. Maybe it's because I try really, really hard in my life to accept everything (material or not) given to me in the spirit it is intended, and that kind of gratefulness is a practice that is extremely important to my life. I don't know, and I'm not trying to imply that my way is better than anyone else's.

I just...I don't know. I can't even articulate what it is, but it's made me feel pretty icky too.

Yep, go ahead an add me to this list. The implication that anyone is entitled to a certain super perfect, exactly their style, piece of jewelery is gross to me. IT IS A GIFT. APPRECIATE THE GIFT.

I haven't seen anyone say that. 

im·pli·ca·tion

ˌimpləˈkāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the conclusion that can be drawn from something, although it is not explicitly stated.

plainjane0415

I guess I just don't see it as being materialistic.  I see it as being open with your partner.

You should have a relationship that's open enough to discuss anything with them.  Open enough for them to know your style, your likes/dislikes.  And if it's something that means as much as an engagement ring does, they should also be confident enough to come to you and ask if you like it, and be prepared for the answer, no matter what it is. 

If I tried to dance around not liking a ring, my FI would be able to see right through it, because he knows me better than anyone else, and THAT would disappoint him more than anything else.

**I am using our personal relationship as an example, I understand that this may not be how all relationships are, but this is just my perspective.**