What do you do if you hate the engagement ring?

VulgarGirl

plainjane0415 said:

I came back to this thread, saw the notifications where people were mentioning me, and I was like, oh, shit... But then, there were no mentions?! What's going on TK???

Anyway, to add to the current discussion...

Man parts:  Willy, I have no idea why.. It just sticks..

Lady Parts:  Muffin, lady bits......

I've noticed this happens when someone quotes something you're tagged in.

onefootinthebayou

>< I feel funny asking if I can take a picture of it because I know she feels embarrassed.





Could you sketch it?!

Nymeru

I could try, but I'm pretty sure any Kindergartener would give me a run for my money.

huskypuppy14

Wow, this thread blew up.

It sounds from what the OP said a few comments up that it's just a really ugly, poor quality ring.  If it were just a simple band or something, my opinion would be different. I specifically said in my comment on the first page that she shouldn't get another ring just because she doesn't like the ring she was given. But she shouldn't have to wear it for the rest of her life either.

Also, my husband must have asked me 100 times if I liked my engagement ring (I do). I am a terrible liar, and I value honesty more than anything. If I didn't like it, he'd know.

This is completely different than receiving a gift a child made, or a gift from MIL that isn't your style. Those gifts you accept graciously, and then donate it, keep it in your drawer, or whatever. 

Nymeru

larrygaga said:

Nymeru said:

One of my friends recently got engaged this past weekend and was given a ring that she hates.  What makes it especially hard for her is that her fiance went to so much effort to create the "perfect" ring.  He melted down his mom's engagement ring from her ex-husband (not his dad), and then had one of his friends who is learning to be a jeweler make a ring with a diamond and their birthstones.  It sounds sweet (aside from the ex-husband ring bit--I'm a little superstitious about bad marriage ring juju), but the end result is what looks like a Mexican flag in a really ugly hand-hammered gold band.  The ring seriously looks like it was only allowed to harden half-way and is still half-melted. 

Anyhow, she hates it.  She is over the moon to be engaged but doesn't know how to tell her fiance how she feels, or even if she should say anything to him.  It would crush him to know how she truly feels, but at the same time, she is the one who is going to wear it the rest of her life.  What advice do you guys have? Is there a right way to handle this situation?  Have any of you dealt with this before?

What you do? Quickly learn to love it as you realize that it is a gift from someone symbolizing your first step into marriage and spending your life together. Realize that they spend a lot of time figuring out which one is best. Realize that a symbol is just sentimental and not the end all be all. 

What you don't do: Ask him to return it for a "better" one. She needs to suck it up and wear it. 

I knew a girl who asked her fiance to return her ring for a bigger and better one no less than 3 times. That girl was married a year and divorced as her husband realized how materialistic, shallow and gross she was. You don't say no to a heartfelt meaningful gift. 

Also: Tell your "friend" to focus on what's real and what matters. It's not a piece of jewelry, tell ya 'hwat.

I'm not sure what you meant by "friend"...

cu97tiger

@ladygaga I'm not defensive about my choice at all. I own the shit out of it. It was a tough thing to do. There were some difficult conversations with my DH. But I'm glad we had them. I don't GAS if you don't agree with my choice, and you can call me materialistic all you want. An engagement ring is not a summons to marry the person, it is a symbol of BOTH people's agreement to get married. Therefore, it should be a symbol that BOTH people are comfortable with. 

@lovemesomemonster - I was just telling someone yesterday that I don't consider an engagement ring a gift like I do a birthday present, for example. It is a symbol of a mutual agreement. Therefore, I don't think it follows the same gift-receiving rules (smile and suck it up).

@amelisha - Have you ever HAD to wear something every single day that has characteristics that you specifically said you didn't want? Or that by the very nature of other things you wear, that you obviously wouldn't normally wear? I mean, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You have to look at it and be reminded that either 1) your SO disregarded what you specifically told them. 2) your SO didn't ask you because of some outdated need to surprise you. I'm guessing the answer to that is no. Until that happens to you, I really don't think you (general you... basically ladygaga and ashley#s and magicink) can say what you would do in that situation. It's a crappy situation and honesty is 100% the way to go.

novella1186

I'm a little confused by the comments that it's wrong to hurt your SO's feelings over a ring. I think most of us who said we would be honest if we didn't like something also specified that we would do it with tact and that our SOs would seriously PREFER the honesty. It would hurt them more to be lied to or misled or to feel like they wasted their money, etc. So their delicate little glass feelings won't be shattered by a bit of honesty. 

I personally would never make a life-long commitment to someone who was so sensitive and concerned with only his own feelings and preferences that I wasn't even able to be honest about something I didn't like. 

And just for the record I never felt entitled to a ring, or to any particular style. When FI asked what kind of ring I might want, I pointed to the 25 cent machine with the plastic rings as we walked out of the grocery store and told him he could propose to me with one of those if he wanted to. And I meant it. And I would have worn that little sucker every day with joy till it broke.  

novella1186

Oh yeah, and I call balls "nuggets." 

And apparently for lady bits I say pujeen, wherever the hell that came from. Cuz last night one of our dogs was dancing all over the bed and I said "ow the fucking dog just stepped on my pujeen!" Go figure. 

mikenberger

Novella, what the hell happened to all the numbers after your name? 

And man bits: ballsack is a personal favorite of mine. Or peen. 

Lady bits: Crotch - don't know why. 

plainjane0415

I'm going to use my relationship again as an example.  FI has never really been one for the surprise when it comes to gifts.  He always asks me what I want for Christmas/Birthdays etc, because he wants to get me something he knows I'll enjoy and will use/wear etc..

Same type of thing happened when we started looking at rings to get engaged.  We went to a local jeweler, who gave us some ring setting books to take home and look at to decide what setting we wanted.  Then once that was done, FI ordered the setting I chose, and had the ring made with a diamond that the jeweler currently had at his store.

I just don't view that as being materialistic.  I view it as two adults making a large purchase, and a decision for a piece of jewelry that will never leave my hand.  And to me, wearing a ring every single day is important to me and it's important to my FI.  It's honoring them, and it's a symbol of our love and commitment to each other. It also means a lot to me that he took my preferences and tastes into consideration. 

flyingfoxes

I asked FI about this scenario last night, and he said with 100% certainty that he would want to know if I hated the ring he chose and we would exchange it.    Although putting it away after getting a wedding band probably wouldn't register on his radar.

novella1186

mikenberger said:

Novella, what the hell happened to all the numbers after your name? 

And man bits: ballsack is a personal favorite of mine. Or peen. 

Lady bits: Crotch - don't know why. 

Lol I don't know!!!! It seriously did that on its own. I just now PMed Knot Riley cuz I can't figure out how to fix it. Ugh. 

cupcait927

mobride2015 said:

I asked FI about this scenario last night, and he said with 100% certainty that he would want to know if I hated the ring he chose and we would exchange it.    Although putting it away after getting a wedding band probably wouldn't register on his radar.

I asked my H as well and he said he would rather me be honest than hide my true feelings if I had been truly upset with my ring. He also said that's why he took me shopping but that's besides the point.

ashley8918

Golden nuggets.

banana468

mobride2015 said:

I asked FI about this scenario last night, and he said with 100% certainty that he would want to know if I hated the ring he chose and we would exchange it.    Although putting it away after getting a wedding band probably wouldn't register on his radar.

DH said the same thing.   He winced when I told him the scenario and agreed that no one wins and that it sucks - but that she HAS to tell him.

It's also bullshit to call an engagement ring a gift like you call a Christmas gift or a birthday present.   It's not.   The courts agree it's not and that it IS a contractual gift that must be returned if the marriage doesn't happen.   If I get pissed off with a friend and end a friendship, I don't return the presents given.  

Furthermore, a gift isn't given with such heavy strings attached.  A true gift is given of free will with no requirements of use.   An engagement ring is pretty specifically supposed to be worn day in and day out unless there are daily activities that prevent its use.   To take it from your betrothed and just say, "Yes.   Thank you," would be something that the recipient is entitled to do and that's hardly the appropriate social custom.

The roots of proposing with a ring in general are just overwhelmingly materialistic.   The concept still rubs me the wrong way (even if I do love my ring) because it implies that I agreed based on the ring and that's a load of horseshit.   

If the item was JUST a gift then I'd say she should suck it up.   But it isn't JUST a gift and society doesn't view it as one.   

amelisha

novella1427315864 said:I'm a little confused by the comments that it's wrong to hurt your SO's feelings over a ring. I think most of us who said we would be honest if we didn't like something also specified that we would do it with tact and that our SOs would seriously PREFER the honesty. It would hurt them more to be lied to or misled or to feel like they wasted their money, etc. So their delicate little glass feelings won't be shattered by a bit of honesty. 
I personally would never make a life-long commitment to someone who was so sensitive and concerned with only his own feelings and preferences that I wasn't even able to be honest about something I didn't like. 

I'll say again - it's not about how delicate my FI's feelings are in my case, it is about a conscious choice I've made to deal with my loved ones in a particular way. It's because I'm sensitive, not because he is. I am honest with him all the time.  But that's neither here nor there, really, and has kind of strayed from my original point. What I was trying to say is that I make a point to love things given to me by loved ones, and then I'm not lying when I say I love what they have given me. I apply this to when FI does a bad job of a household chore or cooks me something that doesn't taste good or buys me something I wouldn't have purchased myself. 

And @cu97tiger, yes, I have. More than once, actually. Not an engagement ring, but yes. I also currently have furniture in my house that was very expensive and that I don't like, but that was gifted to me by people I love, and so it will remain in my house forever, even though I have to look at it every day. And that is because it's just stuff. 

I know I have an unpopular opinion here. You all can do whatever you want in your own relationships but it doesn't make the way I live my own life wrong. And I'm not saying your approach is wrong either. It's just not for me, and I've been prefacing every statement I've made here on this thread with things like "For me," "Personally" etc. It's no attack, it's just an explanation about why some of the statements made here have rubbed me the wrong way. Me, personally. *shrug*

I'm the kind of person who talks to animals I meet on the street and cries at commercials and thinks about the most mildly critical things people say to me for weeks or months, and I've never raised my voice in anger to FI in the ten years we've known each other, though. I'm pretty much just a pile of three-day-old kittens in human form, so you can all feel free to be completely baffled about my pathological need not to hurt my loved ones' feelings.

ashley8918

Frank and beans.

climbingsingle

I think most people, if asked, would say, "yes, of course I want you to be honest with me." No one is really going to say, "I'd like you to lie to me and tell you love it." 

ashley8918

Laffy taffy. Chico stick.

cu97tiger

climbingwife said:

I think most people, if asked, would say, "yes, of course I want you to be honest with me." No one is really going to say, "I'd like you to lie to me and tell you love it." 

You're right... most people wouldn't say that. But if you've been with someone long enough, you can probably deduce whether they want you to just 'put a good face on' or if they really value your thoughts and opinions, even if they aren't they exact same as theirs.

plainjane0415

amelisha said:

novella1427315864 said:

I'm a little confused by the comments that it's wrong to hurt your SO's feelings over a ring. I think most of us who said we would be honest if we didn't like something also specified that we would do it with tact and that our SOs would seriously PREFER the honesty. It would hurt them more to be lied to or misled or to feel like they wasted their money, etc. So their delicate little glass feelings won't be shattered by a bit of honesty. 

I personally would never make a life-long commitment to someone who was so sensitive and concerned with only his own feelings and preferences that I wasn't even able to be honest about something I didn't like. 

I'll say again - it's not about how delicate my FI's feelings are in my case, it is about a conscious choice I've made to deal with my loved ones in a particular way. It's because I'm sensitive, not because he is. I am honest with him all the time.  But that's neither here nor there, really, and has kind of strayed from my original point. What I was trying to say is that I make a point to love things given to me by loved ones, and then I'm not lying when I say I love what they have given me. I apply this to when FI does a bad job of a household chore or cooks me something that doesn't taste good or buys me something I wouldn't have purchased myself. 

And @cu97tiger, yes, I have. More than once, actually. Not an engagement ring, but yes. I also currently have furniture in my house that was very expensive and that I don't like, but that was gifted to me by people I love, and so it will remain in my house forever, even though I have to look at it every day. And that is because it's just stuff. 

I know I have an unpopular opinion here. You all can do whatever you want in your own relationships but it doesn't make the way I live my own life wrong. And I'm not saying your approach is wrong either. It's just not for me, and I've been prefacing every statement I've made here on this thread with things like "For me," "Personally" etc. It's no attack, it's just an explanation about why some of the statements made here have rubbed me the wrong way. Me, personally. *shrug*

I'm the kind of person who talks to animals I meet on the street and cries at commercials and thinks about the most mildly critical things people say to me for weeks or months, and I've never raised my voice in anger to FI in the ten years we've known each other, though. I'm pretty much just a pile of three-day-old kittens in human form, so you can all feel free to be completely baffled about my pathological need not to hurt my loved ones' feelings.

*******ETA BOXES*********

I don't think you're wrong @Amelisha.  I hope you know that. 

I can also appreciate why you feel the way that you do, and act the way that you do.  And to be completely honest, I wish sometimes that I were more like that.

From my personal experience though, FI and I worked together to find a ring, he wanted me to pick something I liked, probably because he was afraid if he did the picking, then I wouldn't be happy with it. 

I just think honesty is best, in my relationship, with my FI, knowing his feelings and preferences.

I really hope that you aren't hurt by anything I have said @Amelisha **hugs**

amelisha said:

 

ashley8918

Huevos.

littlepep

ashley8918 said:

Golden nuggets.

I don't know if I want to associate delicious chicken nuggets with balls. Dang it. Next time I'm at Chick-fil-a that's all I'm going to think about. 

ETA: I love that you're still pushing the private bits conversation. Good priorities

climbingsingle

cu97tiger said:

climbingwife said:

I think most people, if asked, would say, "yes, of course I want you to be honest with me." No one is really going to say, "I'd like you to lie to me and tell you love it." 

You're right... most people wouldn't say that. But if you've been with someone long enough, you can probably deduce whether they want you to just 'put a good face on' or if they really value your thoughts and opinions, even if they aren't they exact same as theirs.

cu97tiger said:

VulgarGirl

I'm in love with Ashley right now.

novella1186

amelisha said:

novella1427315864 said:

I'm a little confused by the comments that it's wrong to hurt your SO's feelings over a ring. I think most of us who said we would be honest if we didn't like something also specified that we would do it with tact and that our SOs would seriously PREFER the honesty. It would hurt them more to be lied to or misled or to feel like they wasted their money, etc. So their delicate little glass feelings won't be shattered by a bit of honesty. 

I personally would never make a life-long commitment to someone who was so sensitive and concerned with only his own feelings and preferences that I wasn't even able to be honest about something I didn't like. 

I'll say again - it's not about how delicate my FI's feelings are in my case, it is about a conscious choice I've made to deal with my loved ones in a particular way. It's because I'm sensitive, not because he is. I am honest with him all the time.  But that's neither here nor there, really, and has kind of strayed from my original point. What I was trying to say is that I make a point to love things given to me by loved ones, and then I'm not lying when I say I love what they have given me. I apply this to when FI does a bad job of a household chore or cooks me something that doesn't taste good or buys me something I wouldn't have purchased myself. 

And @cu97tiger, yes, I have. More than once, actually. Not an engagement ring, but yes. I also currently have furniture in my house that was very expensive and that I don't like, but that was gifted to me by people I love, and so it will remain in my house forever, even though I have to look at it every day. And that is because it's just stuff. 

I know I have an unpopular opinion here. You all can do whatever you want in your own relationships but it doesn't make the way I live my own life wrong. And I'm not saying your approach is wrong either. It's just not for me, and I've been prefacing every statement I've made here on this thread with things like "For me," "Personally" etc. It's no attack, it's just an explanation about why some of the statements made here have rubbed me the wrong way. Me, personally. *shrug*

I'm the kind of person who talks to animals I meet on the street and cries at commercials and thinks about the most mildly critical things people say to me for weeks or months, and I've never raised my voice in anger to FI in the ten years we've known each other, though. I'm pretty much just a pile of three-day-old kittens in human form, so you can all feel free to be completely baffled about my pathological need not to hurt my loved ones' feelings.

-----preemptive fix to box that I'm sure will be missing----------------------

I just meant in general, I was confused. I wasn't targeting you, or trying to attack your way of thinking. Obviously this is just another situation where there's a difference of opinion and no one is wrong.

As I said in an earlier post, I just know FI can immediately see on my face when I don't like something, even if I try to hide it, so there would be no pretending for me anyway. And I know in our particular situation and in our particular relationship, he would prefer me to be honest if I didn't like the ring to the point that I wouldn't want to wear it, because at that stage in his life it was by far the biggest cash purchase he had ever made. 

amelisha, I just mean in a general sense of what I saw in this thread. I was by no means trying to hurt or offend anyone, and I'm sorry if anything I posted came across harsh to you at all) 

lovemesomemonster

FIs exact words when I asked this "Hell yeah I would want you to tell me, I'm not wasting that much money!" He then followed it up with some long story about how that would never happen.. he's a bad ass.. so good at picking things out.. blah blah blah After his story he did say it would be a shitty situation but when money is being spent he wants to know it's worth it so the initial hurt of the situation would be no big deal.

(This is also coming from a self proclaimed "ass hole" and realist so take it for what it's worth.. When money is involved it's all an "investment", I think it would be hard to hurt his feelings being honest and with money involved.)

ashley8918

littlepep said:

ashley8918 said:

Golden nuggets.

I don't know if I want to associate delicious chicken nuggets with balls. Dang it. Next time I'm at Chick-fil-a that's all I'm going to think about. 

Hahahaha, whoops! I actually heard it in a Macklemore song and it stuck.

Sorry for ruining your hate chicken!

ashley8918

MagicInk said:

I'm in love with Ashley right now.

Taco.

photokitty

Some general "yous" here...for those who may need to hear them.

It must be exhausting trying to please everyone but yourself. It's healthy to put yourself first from time to time.

The people you work so hard to keep happy, should take stock and worry about how you feel. No one deserves to be a doormat to their loved ones. 

You are important and deserve to be treated like you and your feelings matter.

It's very possible your SO and loved ones already believe this and want to put you and your feelings before theirs, but your never let them bc you are too busy being a martyr.

*****************************************************************************************

@Nymeru, pretty sure she is suggesting you are the "friend." @larrygaga, you can cut the pass aggressive crap and stick with being up front, since the OP got married last year it's clearly not a "my friend has a weird rash" type post.