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Wedding Obsession

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Re: Wedding Obsession

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    edited June 2015
    abcdevonn said:
    nicemarmot said:
    So... from what I read in this thread, the criteria for being engaged is:
    1) Both of you agree you're engaged and start planning a wedding
    2) This is communicated to other people and not kept to yourselves.

    My boyfriend and I already booked the venue, flights, honeymoon etc (yay, so exciting!) for next March (we're eloping to Vegas).
    He also bought the ring, which we picked together.
    We decided, also together, that we will get engaged on our 1 year anniversary next month (we've known each other for much longer, though). This is when he will formally propose.
    At that point, I will start wearing the ring, and we will tell people we are engaged.

    Although my venue is booked, I do not consider myself engaged until he formally proposes on July 25th, I start wearing the ring, and most importantly, I tell my friends and family.

    I got a lot of stick in NEY when I said that I was counting down the days to my engagement (they said that because we already booked a venue, we are already engaged, but they missed the vital "you both consider yourselves engaged"). 

    Now, according to this thread (and I tend to agree with you), I am not engaged yet, as we are not communicating this to people, and don't consider ourselves "formally" engaged. Do we agree we will get married? Yes. But then so do many couples who are not yet engaged.

    I am only saying this, because things are not always 100% black or white, as some posters up-thread imply.

    I would love to hear your opinions though. 



    ETF: BOXES


    I mean...you can say you are whatever you want to be, but the truth is, if you've done all that, I'd consider you engaged. It just sounds like you're waiting for a formal proposal for the sake of having one, which is silly IMO. If you hadn't already booked things, it would be a little less...weird.

    "Engaged" is, after all, just a word. You can choose to apply it however you want, but people will naturally come to their own conclusions based on what you've said/done already.
    ****Boxes****

    This.  You guys are engaged.  Rational, sane people don't plan weddings and book venues when they aren't engaged.  That would make no sense.

    Wait till your anniversary until you wear the ring and announce to everyone, but that's still weird and pointless to me.  If you have already been planning and booking venues, and you already have the ring, why do you need to wait until your anniversary for a formal proposal?  You aren't going to be any more surprised and it's not going to be any more sentimental for you, because you already know about the ring and you've both already been plannig the wedding.

    I just don't get it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    redoryx said:

    If you've booked a venue and not engaged, there are two reasons for this:

    1) you really ARE engaged but for some silly romanticized Hollywood waiting for a big formal proposal reason don't want to call yourself such.
    2) You're bat shit crazy. Because, seriously, only bat shit crazy women book venues, flights, etc., for their wedding before they are engaged. 

    So, I guess the real question is: would you prefer to call yourself engaged or BSC? 


    Not only that, but when ppl elope, don't they just run off and get married? They don't typically announce their engagement. . .because wouldn't that defeat the purpose of eloping? As soon as you tell ppl you are engaged, they will start asking you for wedding details, and won't it be awkward to tell friends and family, "Well we're getting married in Vegas, but no one is invited."

    That seems like it would cause a huge drama nightmare. Avoiding drama seems like a good reason to elope.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    justsiejustsie member
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    nicemarmot said:
    So... from what I read in this thread, the criteria for being engaged is:
    1) Both of you agree you're engaged and start planning a wedding
    2) This is communicated to other people and not kept to yourselves.
    BOXES

    You've done both of these things. You have started planning, hell planned your wedding.
    You've started communicating to others that you are getting married. Every vendor you have talked to, people on the knot.... etc. 
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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
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    Regarding the elopement, we are only telling people we are going to Disney. We will not mention Vegas or the wedding. When people ask when we're getting married, the answer will be "we haven't thought about dates yet" and that will be the answer until we come back and are married. So yes, I do consider this to be an elopement but in any case, I don't care if you call it elopement, wedding for two, or destination wedding. 

    Regarding engagement vs BSC, I booked the venue, etc, together with my other half, not behind his back, so I wouldn't consider myself BSC.

    Strong words around here, people obviously feel strongly about labels! It's actually quite amusing.

    So well, I guess I am engaged then (yay!) I am just not telling people (and no, I do not think that complete strangers at TK count) until the date in which we have both decided to share the news.

    Thank you kindly for your feedback.
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    edited June 2015
    nicemarmot said:
    Regarding the elopement, we are only telling people we are going to Disney. We will not mention Vegas or the wedding. When people ask when we're getting married, the answer will be "we haven't thought about dates yet" and that will be the answer until we come back and are married.


    _____________________________________________________________

    Did I read that correctly?  You're telling people you're going to Disneyland/World, but actually going to Vegas to get married?

    To what end?  Is one of you in witness protection or something?

    ETF words/clarity
    �
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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    We ARE going to Disney in fact. That's our honeymoon. We're going to Vegas first for a few days and getting married. 
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    nicemarmot said:
    We ARE going to Disney in fact. That's our honeymoon. We're going to Vegas first for a few days and getting married. 
    Be prepared for some very hurt feelings. People tend to have a huge aversion to being lied to. Especially such a big lie, surrounding such an important event. Thinking you're going to Disney and then being told after the fact that you ran off to Vegas and got married is going to be a huge slap in the face to some people. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    abcdevonn said:
    nicemarmot said:
    Regarding the elopement, we are only telling people we are going to Disney. We will not mention Vegas or the wedding. When people ask when we're getting married, the answer will be "we haven't thought about dates yet" and that will be the answer until we come back and are married. So yes, I do consider this to be an elopement but in any case, I don't care if you call it elopement, wedding for two, or destination wedding. 

    Regarding engagement vs BSC, I booked the venue, etc, together with my other half, not behind his back, so I wouldn't consider myself BSC.

    Strong words around here, people obviously feel strongly about labels! It's actually quite amusing.

    So well, I guess I am engaged then (yay!) I am just not telling people (and no, I do not think that complete strangers at TK count) until the date in which we have both decided to share the news.

    Thank you kindly for your feedback.
    Lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage.
    nicemarmot said:
    We ARE going to Disney in fact. That's our honeymoon. We're going to Vegas first for a few days and getting married. 
    Um.... you ARE lying. You literally said that "regarding the elopement, we are only telling people we are going to Disney." 

    So let's say your fiance goes out for the night and hits up a sex club before he goes to the bar with his buddies. You ask him, "where'd you guys go tonight" and he only tells you about the bar.... you think that's not lying? Really? I doubt it.

    Lying by omission is a real thing.
    *********************************************************************************

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    nicemarmot said:
    Regarding the elopement, we are only telling people we are going to Disney. We will not mention Vegas or the wedding. When people ask when we're getting married, the answer will be "we haven't thought about dates yet" and that will be the answer until we come back and are married. So yes, I do consider this to be an elopement but in any case, I don't care if you call it elopement, wedding for two, or destination wedding. 

    Regarding engagement vs BSC, I booked the venue, etc, together with my other half, not behind his back, so I wouldn't consider myself BSC.

    Strong words around here, people obviously feel strongly about labels! It's actually quite amusing.

    So well, I guess I am engaged then (yay!) I am just not telling people (and no, I do not think that complete strangers at TK count) until the date in which we have both decided to share the news.

    Thank you kindly for your feedback.
    I guess the only issue I take with not telling anyone that you are going to Vegas first is that what if something were to happen to you or your FI?  No one will know where you are and think that you were one place when really you are somewhere else.  I know that if I travel anywhere I tell people where I am going and give them information in regards to where I will be staying and flight info.  Just makes me feel more comfortable knowing that my family knows where I am.

    I just don't understand not telling people that you are going to Vegas.  It could just be a part of your entire vacation.  I don't know about anyone else but I don't automatically think "oh they must be getting married" if someone tells me they are going to Vegas.

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    ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
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    edited June 2015
    MadHops21 said:
    GoldenPenguin said:
    watznvoltz said:
    I'm 22 years old. He's 23.  We both graduate next year.  I already have a job lined up.  And we are 100% both going to be in the same city when we graduate.  

    My boyfriend wants me to go ahead and start figuring out and do a little pre-planning and scouting. He's not that interested in participating at the moment; but, he wants me to go ahead and have a good time. He knows I'm excited.

    Thanks Luckya. :)  I love your .gif.
    Jennifer Lawrence Gives the Sarcastic OK

    Also, I'd LOVE to know what fields you're going into that you have jobs lined up a YEAR before graduation. I work in higher education, at a pretty prestigious engineering university, and we have graduates who still don't have jobs. So, I'm interested. 
    I actually got my job while in college. I was finishing my bachelors and got a full time job at my current company. My school does "career fairs" so you can see companies that are interested in my school's students because it's a technology school. IT is vastly popular and constantly hiring, and I received an amazing pay rate for being a student. Not saying it happens all the time, but it's possible. 


    Yeah, I'm in an engineering field. I was interning at this one company my freshman year of college. I was guaranteed a job at that company basically after my freshman year and they followed through (though I wanted to go in a different direction.) So it's possible. It's also possible for many engineering majors to not have jobs lined up. I was lucky enough to have a couple lined up but others ended up going for their masters because they couldn't find anything in their field.

     

    Edit: I missed the part about the job fairs. My university did the same thing - twice a year and we have a decent career help center. A lot of students had jobs lined up a year or 6 months before they graduated. Especially with big companies like GE, Amazon, P&G, J&J, etc. Those companies want the cream of the crop and that means snagging those people up ASAP.

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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
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    Fair enough, I get what you're saying. You can't just disappear on holiday for 3 weeks without telling people where you're going, though. If we say Las Vegas someone will probably joke about us getting married, and if we said we are not then we certainly would be lying.

    If it was up to me, I would just pop into the registry office and get it done with. I just want to be married to him, you know? But it's his first wedding and he wants to do it in Vegas, and I think that would be fun, and once we're there it makes sense to extend the trip and have the honeymoon in the US.

    He will tell his mum before we fly. She's named as our emergency contact anyway. 

    I understand people having their own opinions, and I respect that. Not sure there's any need to be so judgmental about the potential solidity of my future marriage (!)

    If you want the background, my first time round I did tell people that my ex and I were going to the registry office to get married. I had two months of people complaining about me not having a "proper" wedding and inviting them (my family lives abroad... have you guys been to one of those wedding where half the party lives oversees, and the mount of organising it takes?). My mum, who continued to complain about it years after my very bitter and expensive divorce, said to me "you should have just gone and done it then, instead of telling us before that you were doing it and not giving us the chance to go". I expect this is one of the situations where you can't please people. 

    If anybody has any suggestions on how not to hurt people over something like this, these suggestions would be welcome. Certainly more welcome than "lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage" (whomever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit was totally right, by the way)



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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    nicemarmot said:
    Fair enough, I get what you're saying. You can't just disappear on holiday for 3 weeks without telling people where you're going, though. If we say Las Vegas someone will probably joke about us getting married, and if we said we are not then we certainly would be lying.

    If it was up to me, I would just pop into the registry office and get it done with. I just want to be married to him, you know? But it's his first wedding and he wants to do it in Vegas, and I think that would be fun, and once we're there it makes sense to extend the trip and have the honeymoon in the US.

    He will tell his mum before we fly. She's named as our emergency contact anyway. 

    I understand people having their own opinions, and I respect that. Not sure there's any need to be so judgmental about the potential solidity of my future marriage (!)

    If you want the background, my first time round I did tell people that my ex and I were going to the registry office to get married. I had two months of people complaining about me not having a "proper" wedding and inviting them (my family lives abroad... have you guys been to one of those wedding where half the party lives oversees, and the mount of organising it takes?). My mum, who continued to complain about it years after my very bitter and expensive divorce, said to me "you should have just gone and done it then, instead of telling us before that you were doing it and not giving us the chance to go". I expect this is one of the situations where you can't please people. 

    If anybody has any suggestions on how not to hurt people over something like this, these suggestions would be welcome. Certainly more welcome than "lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage" (whomever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit was totally right, by the way)



    I am laughing so hard. The reason everyone is being so judgmental, is because what you are doing is NOT a good idea. 

    1. You are making a huge production out of becoming engaged, when in reality, the two of you ARE already engaged. That is cause for a congratulations! Not for being shady and hiding things from your family. If you choose to do that, obviously no one can stop you, but I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you're not engaged while you've already planned your elopement.

    2. I take it I struck a cord when I said it wasn't a solid basis for a marriage, because you've already been married before? Shit happens. Some marriages don't work out. But LYING to your friends and family ISN'T a good way to start off a life together. It's just not. Because, yes, you are going to hurt people, especially when they find out you weren't really where you said you were (made, IMO, even worse by the fact that you will apparently be traveling internationally). Lying is never a good idea. No one on here cares if you elope, but the way you are going about it is a whole hot mess of deceit in multiple layers.

    Obviously you're going to do what you want to do, and that's totally your right, but when you ask for opinions, you're going to get them.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    nicemarmot said:
    Fair enough, I get what you're saying. You can't just disappear on holiday for 3 weeks without telling people where you're going, though. If we say Las Vegas someone will probably joke about us getting married, and if we said we are not then we certainly would be lying.

    If it was up to me, I would just pop into the registry office and get it done with. I just want to be married to him, you know? But it's his first wedding and he wants to do it in Vegas, and I think that would be fun, and once we're there it makes sense to extend the trip and have the honeymoon in the US.

    He will tell his mum before we fly. She's named as our emergency contact anyway. 

    I understand people having their own opinions, and I respect that. Not sure there's any need to be so judgmental about the potential solidity of my future marriage (!)

    If you want the background, my first time round I did tell people that my ex and I were going to the registry office to get married. I had two months of people complaining about me not having a "proper" wedding and inviting them (my family lives abroad... have you guys been to one of those wedding where half the party lives oversees, and the mount of organising it takes?). My mum, who continued to complain about it years after my very bitter and expensive divorce, said to me "you should have just gone and done it then, instead of telling us before that you were doing it and not giving us the chance to go". I expect this is one of the situations where you can't please people. 

    If anybody has any suggestions on how not to hurt people over something like this, these suggestions would be welcome. Certainly more welcome than "lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage" (whomever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit was totally right, by the way)



    Eh, I don't really see that as lying.  I see that as you two wanting to elope and that typically involves not telling people that you are getting married.  Many people elope and like you said, with you going to Vegas someone could jokingly suggest you two getting married because a lot of people run off to Vegas.  But to me not telling people what you will be doing every second you are away on vacation is different then not telling them you are going somewhere at all.  KWIM? But glad to hear that someone will know where you will be in case something happens (God forbid) to you or back at home.

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    nicemarmot said:
    Fair enough, I get what you're saying. You can't just disappear on holiday for 3 weeks without telling people where you're going, though. If we say Las Vegas someone will probably joke about us getting married, and if we said we are not then we certainly would be lying.

    If it was up to me, I would just pop into the registry office and get it done with. I just want to be married to him, you know? But it's his first wedding and he wants to do it in Vegas, and I think that would be fun, and once we're there it makes sense to extend the trip and have the honeymoon in the US.

    He will tell his mum before we fly. She's named as our emergency contact anyway. 

    I understand people having their own opinions, and I respect that. Not sure there's any need to be so judgmental about the potential solidity of my future marriage (!)

    If you want the background, my first time round I did tell people that my ex and I were going to the registry office to get married. I had two months of people complaining about me not having a "proper" wedding and inviting them (my family lives abroad... have you guys been to one of those wedding where half the party lives oversees, and the mount of organising it takes?). My mum, who continued to complain about it years after my very bitter and expensive divorce, said to me "you should have just gone and done it then, instead of telling us before that you were doing it and not giving us the chance to go". I expect this is one of the situations where you can't please people. 

    If anybody has any suggestions on how not to hurt people over something like this, these suggestions would be welcome. Certainly more welcome than "lying to your friends and family does sound like a really good basis for a solid marriage" (whomever said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit was totally right, by the way)



    If your mom reacted that way to your first wedding, how do you think she's going to react when she finds out that you got engaged but kept it a secret for months, planned a whole wedding in secret, and then lied and went to Vegas and got married in secret? How do you think your FI's parents are going to react? They didn't have anything to do with your first wedding. Why do they deserve to be lied to?

    As to the second, just tell the truth. It's not that hard.  
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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
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    edited June 2015
    @adcdevonn    
    no, the reason why I brought up my first marriage is that when I told people what I was doing in advance last time, the overwhelming feedback I got from my family was "either you should have invited us, or you should have gone and done it".
    So this time, I will go and do it. 

    Regarding the point of the engagement, I already conceded.

    -edited because the tag didn't work


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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    nicemarmot said:
    @adcdevonn    
    no, the reason why I brought up my first marriage is that when I told people what I was doing in advance last time, the overwhelming feedback I got from my family was "either you should have invited us, or you should have gone and done it".
    So this time, I will go and do it. 

    Regarding the point of the engagement, I already conceded.

    -edited because the tag didn't work


    Okay, so tell them you and FI are going on a trip to Vegas and Disneyland. 

    I don't have any advice on how to prevent hurt feelings, because I think they will happen in the end, regardless, but some other people on this site who have eloped might be able to help.
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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
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    @southernbelle0915  that's what I thought last time. I am South American. I have four male brothers who had big white weddings. I am the only woman... there was an expectation set that I didn't meet. Sigh.

    So I decided to do what I wanted and be honest about it, and the crap I had to deal with (and for so many years too) was unreal.

    I swore I would not put up with that again.

    But you know what? Chances are I will have to put up with the same amount of crap from not telling them. In fact, nothing but a big white wedding will do (even if it's my second time round, and even if I'm 42).

    So maybe you are right, I should say fuck them and if they ask they can be told. After all, they will give me crap whatever I do. Fact.

    And who knows, maybe they don't ask and then that would be ever better.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    nicemarmot said:
    @southernbelle0915  that's what I thought last time. I am South American. I have four male brothers who had big white weddings. I am the only woman... there was an expectation set that I didn't meet. Sigh.

    So I decided to do what I wanted and be honest about it, and the crap I had to deal with (and for so many years too) was unreal.

    I swore I would not put up with that again.

    But you know what? Chances are I will have to put up with the same amount of crap from not telling them. In fact, nothing but a big white wedding will do (even if it's my second time round, and even if I'm 42).

    So maybe you are right, I should say fuck them and if they ask they can be told. After all, they will give me crap whatever I do. Fact.

    And who knows, maybe they don't ask and then that would be ever better.
    To the bolded - you definitely will. It sounds like the only thing that makes these people happy is a big white wedding. And either way you're not doing that.

    I would outright tell them - don't wait for them to ask you. They shouldn't have to proactively ask "are you getting married?" That's kind of something you just tell people. KWIM? 

    Own your choice. If they don't like it when you tell them your plans, OH WELL. They can choose to be happy for you or choose to bitch. That's on them. But you should be up front and honest.
    *********************************************************************************

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    @nicemarmot - in regards to hurt feelings because you decided to elope, well that is the chance you take.  There is really nothing you can do to prevent people from feeling slighted.  As long as you and your FI are happy with your choice then that is all that matters.  Your family/friends will eventually get over the fact that you two eloped.  And if they don't, well that is their issue.

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    nicemarmotnicemarmot member
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    @maggie0829
    I envy people with more understanding/forgiving families.
    My friends were OK with it. My mum never got over it. She passed away last year (11 years after the fact) and she brought it up again on one of our last conversations. My Aunt brought it up at the spreading of my mum's ashes. 
    Oh well. 

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    nicemarmot said:
    @maggie0829
    I envy people with more understanding/forgiving families.
    My friends were OK with it. My mum never got over it. She passed away last year (11 years after the fact) and she brought it up again on one of our last conversations. My Aunt brought it up at the spreading of my mum's ashes. 
    Oh well. 

    I'm sorry you have to deal with that. We all have crazies in our families. I had an great uncle who accused my parents of stealing his canoe......for almost 30 years. They didn't. He died thinking they stole his canoe.

    But here's the deal, those people just are who they are. Nothing you can do about it. You can't mold your life around crazy. Just be honest. If people have a problem with it, let it be their issue, not yours.  
    *********************************************************************************

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    luckya23luckya23 member
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    @nicemarmot , I just wanted to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with eloping.  People are told on here all the time that if you spill about the wedding, you are not eloping, but eloping is still fine, so I'm a little surprised about the push back. 

    I wish I had had the guts to do it!  But our families wanted the big wedding (and FI wanted a church wedding), so we did it, and I'm 8 days out and miserable! 

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    luckya23 said:

    @nicemarmot , I just wanted to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with eloping.  People are told on here all the time that if you spill about the wedding, you are not eloping, but eloping is still fine, so I'm a little surprised about the push back. 

    I wish I had had the guts to do it!  But our families wanted the big wedding (and FI wanted a church wedding), so we did it, and I'm 8 days out and miserable! 

    Are you reading? Not one person said there's a problem with eloping. People are saying there's a problem with LYING about it.
    *********************************************************************************

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